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So
let’s get more current.
i just got out of the car.
i wrote a few sketches without context
just some content spining round my head
but for now
i have the luxury to tell you the steps.
When Leo came to visit this week
i was very tired
Michael was here
a very good fellow
i enjoyed the schisms we had
the gaps
and the synaps
there were such sparks in us
he is one of the most coherent lovers i’ve ever played with
still
we come from different vectors…
one of the things he reminded me of..
he lay on his back on the deck while i was giving the massage to my client in the other room
staring at the clouds
seeing the faces in them
and beaming them love
talking with god
saying Thank You
saying You’re So Beautiful
he was working his huge cock
and loving the faces
they would smile back at him
the trees enfolded him
he was right there with it, and he was
gifting himself to the ground.
when he held me the day before
he poured his energy into me
it felt like he was cumming
and i’m very good with people who are open-energy’d like this
to cum with them when i feel this
but he didn’t “cum”
he was just pouring love and energy into me
What a blessing!
the night he left
i didn’t sleep
i stayed up and answered all the emails i’d been neglecting
tried to arrange my coming week
anxious about the travelling
excited…
i stayed up all night!
each time i went out
the sky was covered in cloud
so i was not tempted to lay on my back and stare at the dancing deities and be seduced into dreaming with them
i stayed up
i walked around
i saw a gash in the sky of the coming dawn
it made me giddy
i’d not stayed up in a while
beautiful
new moon!
(laughs)
and in the morning light
it started to rain
i danced around in thanks…
Leo arrived late in the afternoon
and it was all a blur…
did we drink?
no
we ate cookies from the faery sanctuary…
we had some nice fish for dinner
i read to him two stories from the Samuel r Delaney book
he lost touch and drifted off
we went out to the bed and slept…
the next day i was very edgy
he was very edgy
it made for sparks
not pleasant
i found myself avoiding him
as the evening came on
i found myself angry with him
and we erupted into an argument about him eating more of the cookies AFTER having dinner
i felt like he was wasting me
wasting my time. wasting my energy.
of course
this is my own doing
i wrote a piece about it that night
i thought i posted it…
Leo said he didn’t see it when he went to read my journal
but he hasn’t read my journal since i was in Brazil
so i wonder..
didn’t i post it?
well, i know i wrote it… and i think i saved it.. it’s in the brain somewhere…
(i’ll post it again if it’s not there… and back-date it into place)
Mind…
i imagined a conversation with Samuel today
“i stopped reading for over a year… i needed to get out of other people’s thoughts and just have my own… it made it much easier to get out of my mind… where i’d always lived… and feel my body… so happy to be out of my mind…”
and then laughed about the “are you out of your MIND? — then started thinking of the Talking Heads song…. “MIND”
but i’m distracting:
What i was angry at Leo about was what i feel i’m often doing to myself
but how much more offensive to have someone else do it!
“i love you— i love you— i love you— ‘how can you love me if you don’t love yourself?’ i love you– i love you– ‘how can you love me if you don’t love yourself?’ i love you…”
so we went to bed without touching
and then brought up the anger
and it got growly
he made me feel like i owed it to him to put apart my own process whenever he came back to the house to be with him
somehow communicating if i wanted to be isolated
but not allowing me to be isolated when he came to be there with me
wanting to launch into full melodrama and say “you just don’t undestand me!”
but didn’t
i just dropped it
and we slept.
[i guess i understand better now: that i fear being with him in such intimacy when i’m feeling so terrible: everything is accountable.. more so than with people that i’m just not going to see as much of… who aren’t in my life so deeply]
upon waking
i walked around
drank some water
then went back out
and Leo appeared startled awake
i lay down and cuddled him a moment
oh, i hate this schism of love
love, i love you
(i hate you, i hate myself, i’m so tired of this, i just want to love you, i just want to love me, i just want love… but there are SO Many OTHER flavours in this ICECREAM SHOP!!!!!)
hmmm
so off he went
and i stayed stuck with my computer and little projects
i made him a new mix CD and then left for my client down near St Helena
certainly a bless’d creature
living on such beautiful land
with abundance of grapes, apples, figs, tangerines, nectarines, pears…
were i living there, i would eat only fruit in the summer!
(laughs)
it was a while before the massage started
and it was great
Oh
one of the fragment-writings i posted
was meant to include a moment of this
—
the feeling of cement scraping the back
yet the great pleasure holding me there…
the over-whelming lust of sucking him
and feeling him on top of me like that
last time we were together
he was inside me
and i came like this
–him on top of me
but i didn’t even know it was going to happen
it was like a surprise
left me bewhildered and baffled
and again, this is how i feel now
—
which also ties in with another fragment writing
he’s one of the native californians
that i often perceive as having a clue-less air about him
but of course he doesn’t
he’s got a beautiful manifestation in many ways and a good heart
but it’s the voice so void of base-root
and long pauses
it’s as if everyone born in Cali were an Aries or something
being surprised with each breath they took
and
that’s great!
but annoying if they’re doing it and i’m not
sex with him left me feeling like that
‘– Whoa! what’s going on?! –‘
…
this also ties with another of the fragments
he touched me with such longing
such deep drawing
his hands grabbing tight and pulling from their centre
without noticing that i’m not in that space
(or was he mistaking the loving massage energy i was giving for that?
or is this the same thing i do with the millions of people i connect with
but he just wasn’t realizing i wasn’t connecting with him
do other people feel like this with me?
i wish i could love everyone, but..)
drives me fucking crazy
the massage was great, though
we ate a bit of dinner
and then i headed out
late…
headed to the bakery
to meet the boy i’d been talking with
the boy who gave me lemons
interesting fellow
felt a nice connection
Friends
like school
(laughs)
i ate some of his lovely creations
and
as he be-moaned
they were mediocre
which was not of his doing– he was just using their recipes
(shrugs)
he was just using them to learn how to run a bakery so he can start his own
(grin)
i left there quite late and headed down to the town of Napa to meet a man who’d replied to one of my craigslist ads
he’d sent me pictures
of a few years ago
before he’d gotten so thin
ah, such trickery
but photos are meant to seduce, are they not?
aren’t they just to draw people in and make them want more?
so there was some conversation…
and what?
guess what – he was from Indiana
he knew Zionsville well…
(for those of you who don’t know, that’s the name of the town indiana i grew up in/near)
so the night happened, what can i say?
not much sleep
a bit of sex
that was fun and passionate
but i had to keep my distance
so even in the depth of connexion
it was a healing session for me,
not playful, fun and free.
i left early in the gray morning
driving through a surprise empty road
through the canyons
windy roads
artificial lakes
the music playing in the car
floating me along
felt my sails billowing…
i got back relatively on time
and still felt static-friction with Leo
but it was a nice hour of morning
being together
then he was off
and i had things, yet again, things to do
to pack
to get ready for this trip to SF
and LA
and IN
and MN
and perhaps even NYC
who knew?
and i was on the computer and on the computer
and a guy i knew in the area emailed me, as i was thinking about him, asking if i wanted him to come over for a bit of play
so i said YEAH!
on he was comming
and just after we confirmed
the client/guy who was giving me a ride south
called to say he was early and on his way up
and if i was lucky
the trick would be leaving before the treat arrived.
EESH!
so i got about my work getting things done
the trick never showed up
he got lost
the client/guy showed up
and instantly jumped into sex
and because i was expecting sex
and was really horny anyway
(and we’d talked of sex already)
we started playing
but i was very nervous
he looked HIV thin
and i’d asked him about his status in an email
and he’d glossed over it and not said a thing
so in playing
i was the top
though all we’d talked about before
was he being the top
it was fun
in a Pez kinda way
and in the afterglow
in the sun and sweat
i, again, brought up HIV, talked about it relating to me quite thoroughly
and looked him in the face
— he changed the subject and didn’t say a thing about himself
which angered me and made me want to be away from him
then he started the same Clingy thing
touching me all the time
always trying to suck my dick
in my way
Grrr
we headed off to Harbin
nice to be at the springs
there was a beautiful looking man i noticed as we walked towards the pools
and i remembered a phrase from some conversation:
“he’s either european or queer”
in this case, Both
we talked in the tub for a while
he was Russian
full on
and by the end of the night
we were playing out in the forest
but there
was
no
connection
and in his talk
was all apathy or disgust
so where was the joy?
the night was nice
but i felt too much disturbance
and back to the hermitage
to find the ride that i was supposed to heat to LA with had flaked on me
so i posted a new ad
and wrote a few offering
my client was equally as disturbing in the night and morning
distracted
all california “whao” voiced
hardly there
hardly there
dude, it’s alright
woke up with a canister of lube and a condomn by the bed
Yeah
Right
i scurried around the house trying to get everything ready
he lay in the sun jacking off
i poured the absinth
ate the curry
did most of the dishes
i threw it all in my bag
threw it in the car
we headed down the hill
and a girl called and offered me a ride from Larkspur
which is where he was going to drop me off
to catch the ferry into SF
what Luck
so i went with her
Miranda (a name i’ve always loved)
great conversation
nice girl
fast ride down
playing music and ideas back and forth for eachother…
and she took me for my first IN-and-Out burger
which was, really, quite good.
she dropped me off in Pasadena
at a public library
where i told Eli to find me
and called all others i knew in this city
seeing what might happen while i was here…
sitting on the steps of the library
i noticed the lights around the doors were covered in card-board
i noticed the shopping-trolley parked behind the bushes
filled with things
as i talked on the phone
an angry/scared looking old woman came out and told me to go
this was her house and she didn’t want me here
… i ignored her
i talked on the phone
she wrung her hands
chewed her face
told me i must go!
this was private property
i got off the phone and looked at her
i tried talking with her
eventually i said
“you know this isn’t private property. you know this isn’t your home. just let me wait here an hour”
no no no
she told me to go sit on the curb by the street
she told me
i said
“do you want me to call the cops?”
she turned away in anger and frustration
i got out my laptop to start writing
she asked me to go again
she asked me who sent her
i said
“god”
she turned away in frustration
i tried talking with her about where she was from
obviously German of some kind
heavy accent
but she would not open
would not yield
would not let me sleep there
(laughs)
yes yes yes
ok.
i started writing
and ants started crawling into my pants and biting my balls
Eli called
i told him
he said it was the most disturbing thing he’d ever heard
and would i please get up and go somewhere else where the ants wouldn’t bite me?
i walked a block up
to the corner of Hill and Green
and sat on the steps of the Catholic Parish Hall
writing again
listening to the broken street lamp buzzing loudly
“the world is full of noise, yeah, i hear it all the time”
what to do?
but become a part of it…
Eli picked me up
and i love him
old friend
we went into town and started walking around
started talking
all was nice
but i couldn’t stay with him
just too much stress between he and his house and his boyfriend…
so i made more calls
and found a friend to stay with
Rico
between here and there
who was a bit ill
but that was OK
i just wanted to meet him:
i’d been talking with him on line for 4 years and it was high-time.
but first
Eli and i were hanging out
i gave him an apple
we went to a bookstore
and i found myself being hung-up on things with him
he immediately started shutting down
and it made him tired
so he decided to go home
and i went to Rico’s
feeling all giddy and strange
we all understand things differently
but we all need some good rest too
and this night gave it.
gave it
yes
sleep well.
i’ll be back again soon.

there’s a red towel on the side deck here
the towel i kinda stole from Adriano in Sao Paulo
the towel i used throughout brazil
and then florida and LA
and a few other places i’ve travelled…
last: portland
the towel still has cum stains from my cumming on it when i was having sex with Billy in that beautiful forest…
the towel has been laying in the sun since i got back
well, the few hours a day when the sun hits that side deck
the towel is on an old sunning-chair
plastic straps moldy from all the rain here
the towel covers that
and hangs over the sides: it is So big (as Adriano is)
the part of the towel on the top of the chair, though, is bleaching quite nicely
… the passing of time…
but the cum stains are still very visible.
Omens
would-be positive tops
that i turn to bottoms
out of safety
delivering all my hope, glory and love
old crazy man
always dirty
always pushing a bike up the hill
but never riding it
carrying things
really heavy
always pushing that bike
or sitting there
looking really fucking tired
why are they alive?
The Lovers…
Clingy
to fall into arms
wait, why am i here?
express your intention
this isn’t what you said
and this isn’t what i want…
but your hands never leave me
and when they’re on me
they’re moving
and how can i find peace in this
when there is no attraction for me?
and what kind of love could this be from you
if you don’t feel that from me?
what food are you looking to feed off of in me?
Insecurity (what an old tale.)
nnnnn
Everyone is a complete dissapointment
it’s not enough,
it’s just a habit
it get’s me just Sick
and darling, this is it.
c n o
what was the n?
i don’t remember the name of it
the N
was it even that?
but i think i remember the idea
or
at least
AN idea
that i meant to write about:
The California Brain Suckers
This is a bad Sci-Fi novel.
“what is that sound in your voice?”
‘like, what are you talking about?’
those who were born here were devoured by spirits who exist in another plane
deamons who followed the other spirits back from Atlantis
eating the minds of the young
when they are most susceptible
before they had given possessions of their minds over to Established Organizations who have much better protection from things like this.
now
as adults
they cannot concentrate on anything
and if asked a simple quesiton
they cannot give you the answer
it’s hard for them to know one day from another
i, myself, am very much like this
but re-create myself everyday
so am safe.. in a way
but i influenced a man who had co-opted his own protection and he did not understand the way i worked
so
opening his mind up so much
left him vulnerable to these very beasts who still inhabit the land looking for prey
and he has been also made such a creature of indecision and lack of “understanding”
it’s dangerous here
i don’t know what to do
but i know i don’t like dealing with these zombies
nor worrying about my own psyche being attacked when i leave myself open and free
i fear it has something to do with the marijuana here
but it could be anything…
i must stay viligant…
i must…

i’m leaving the house ina few hours for sausilito
to take the ferry to SF
to meet a friend and copy some music
to meet a guy and give a massage
to meet a friend and go to sleep
to meet a person i don’t know
to give me a ride to LA
to lick the sweat of some beauty
to talk to my daddy
to smooth back my friend’s forehead
to stand next to my brother
and help him move
[on]
to the plane
to indiana
to helping my parent’s move [into the back yard]
to exchange some massage
to give and recieve love
to canoe up in the waters of minnessoata
and not go crazy
but help my family to
in a loving way
to come back to SF
rest a moment
or work a moment
or what else?
then get on a plane
and go to NYC
where i’ll find love and stress and work and excitement
and doors out of the city
and sleeping
and
i’m getting ahead of myself
hello, i’m on the road again

“you can turn the city upsidedown
if you want to
but it won’t
keep you dry”
nice dinner
there was white wine
he drank
there was red wine
i had some too.
when i was 17
in england
i drank a lot of wine
… and other things
i realized wine… and alcohol in general
made me Mean
my father made jokes that specifically preyed on people’s weaknesses
that’s what i do when i drink…
so that’s where we were
and i remembered i needed to talk with my brother tonight to discuss some things…
so we talked for a while
by the time i got off the phone and found Leo
he’d eaten half a marijuana cookie i got from a farie gatheirng
well, he ate more than half
there was only half a cookie left of the one and a half there
he was giggly and quite proud of himself
half a bottle of white, half a bottle of red
i was angry at him
that he ate “MY” cookies
so late at night
(when he’d just fall asleep: he’s ALWAYS tired)
and after a large meal
the drug wouldn’t even hit him til he was passed out
but what could i do?
then he proceeded to have munchies
wanted desert
ate a 1/3 a pint of chocolate icecream
i was having vanilla
i put it away after i’d dished mine out
he grabbed the pint
and started eating it:
the ravenous consuming of the pointless…
i started reading some of “tales to the city to him”
to keep the pissy dialogue from continuing
i read six or seven chapters
and he was asleep
so i stopped reading
and
like always
he denied having fallen asleep
Fine
i was angry
he said “what what what?”
i told him
“i don’t like the feeling i’m being wasted”
it glazed over him
and in less than a minute
he’d asked me some other playfully pissy banterish thing.
i feel like i have so much to give
so much to learn
so much to do
and to have someone around that i feel like i need to entertain
be it sexually or otherwise
(and the sensual pleasures would be enough… if they were something to talk about)
and get Nothing back from
is so upsetting to me
and i don’t get nothing back
i get this room in this house on top of a mountain
i don’t know what else i get
it makes me sad i’m feeling like he’s a waste
like i feel like any relationship is some terrible trap or toilet
oh
i wish
heart— Heal
oh
i wish…
such desires and dreams
what did i write
on the nothing-sex-site?
“i want co-creators. making love… making life together…”
ugh
a million hours of nothing
blowing in the wind.
heart full of ashes.
when the fun-puppy is panting by my side
and i just kick it

Where did we go?
start with just the map
the skeleton
.
woke early
snoring
can’t go back to sleep
not so early
hmmm, ok
answering Some Emails
some friends made me laugh
nice soft warmth in my heart
eventually we were both awake
and i was eating grapefruits
and deciding to go to the hot springs
but the decision was changed
and we went off to mud baths
there was all sorts of reticence
but i’m a flexible one
and wanted to experience the mud anyway
…
it was clay and peat!
my body floated as it wanted
hot pockets of sulfur-y hot mineral water pooled around anywhere i moved
it was like getting gently massaged
i let my imagination take me around
and gorgeousness
it loved me and kissed me eventually got too hot
we’d asked for extra time
but enough was enough
and then for showers
and then for soaking in just hot mineral water
then a strange hot box
like a chinese take away
steaming
burning the place on my balls where his teeth had scraped…
then she wrapt me a sheet and put me on a table in a quiet room
and i drifted off into dreams…
we ate some mexican food
one burrito between the two of us
i felt bad we had three baskets of chips and five salsas…
i have an in-built-guilt about ripping off poor people.
(shrugs)
we headed back up
got to the house
and i proceeded to take some space for myself
get the house a bit organized
cleaned a few things
set it up for my client who was to be arriving
— we waited
when he finally made it
we chatted a bit
and went into the room to start it
(laughs)
now he and i had met by cruising eachother on the street in SF back in april
and he’s from louisiana and now lives in DC
not really my type
but hot anyway, so hey…
so he got here
all hard and wanting to top me
i enjoy playing with him
and getting him off twice
(but not with my ass)
then we were ready to start the massage
but i realized at this point, we would be eating dinner at about 11:30 (now, actually) if i waited to start cooking when i was finished
so i started the Kitchari
asked my friend to turn it off in an hour
and started the massage…
ahhh, so many ideas went through my head
and i won’t go into full detail of it now
just a sketch
but all the stories i’d love to tell of all the massages i’ve given
the five hour massages (didn’t they used to be “four hours”?)
every time i give a massage, if i’m centred
i learn something new
His body was teaching me about gentleness
he told me his massure in DC (a brazilian) said he sounded like a woman when he moaned
i always encourage moaning in my clients: it shows they’re feeling something and expressing it: releasing it.
then he asked me why i made big exhales…
as the massage went on: it became clear to me:
i function as a conduit
to let energy flow through me into the person:
love, healing, guidance and support…
while also letting energy flow out of them through me
— many things we cannot heal on our own: we need a friend… a lover
and i need to remain clear in order to keep flowing
i sigh deeply often when i’m massaging
as if big things are moving through me
and
like in yoga
i am helping them move…
and it snags things in me that are stuck
and gives me the chance to understand them different:
Mike, who’s visiting me here, big bear
many belief systems that i know, but don’t agree with
much like my family
much like many many people in my life right now
when i was in my late teens
i had the desire to only have people in my life that had similar ideas to me
and i sought them out
and moaned that i didn’t have enough
and that i even lost those that i thought resonated with me
now i feel very alone in my belief system
and was shown
that
in my re-acceptance of my family
i am permitting it even more to have people in my life that are just very different than i
people to be friends with
but not exactly co-creators
…
just living every-day-living
not the magic i desire.
i got to tell the story twice today
of how
when i was a child and offered the options of being a doctor or fireman or lawyer or baseball star
i just wanted to be a wizard
not an astronaut nor soldier
but a wizard
wanting to know the magic stones
walk ley lines
travel between realities
know telepathy and telekenises
the magic herbs and symbols…
i wondered if once i was walking the path to being in the illuminauti
that is
the people who aren’t people
who are hardly connected ever with the “normal” people of the world
and almost “live behind the scenes” most of the time
the living people of legend
yes
i did not want to be a pop star
i wanted to be a myth
i wanted to be a god.
gandalf. poseidon. atreyue. heimdall… odin…
“we all have dreams… you more than most… but don’t worry: i’ve got your back”
[he didn’t]
what do we do when we’re not supported by the world we know
and the world we dream of and imagine
we don’t know how to reach?
even when we could see the doors
didn’t know how to walk through them
even when our friend said “come”
didn’t know how to walk with them..
wandering around in the audiance
waiting for the show to start
while everyone back stage is waiting for the lead actor
life at a stand-still.

so
where are we ?
um
i’m in Forrestville
dig that, eh?
it took a while to leave Fort Bragg
and i came here
well
i came this way
specifically because i had a massage client out in Napa
but i never got there
i decided to come to gurneville to check out lazy Bear
and meet some guy i’d talked with from craig’s list
oh
everything
distracted me
i feel
so
disjointed
i didn’t do the dishes this morning
i made a beautiful lamb curry last night, a saag gosht
and some kitchari
we drank the rest of the absinth
me and the other monk…
the night just felt like floating in muscle-relaxers
laying on the divan in the front room
it was alright
the cuddling
until it turned sexual
what can i say about that?
the night before.. i f***ed him
and it just felt like it drained all of my life force out
today i made a beautiful dinner as my way of making love with the two of them
— it’s never enough
i went to hide
to write
with dosed brownie flowing through my viens
will i regret those words?
i woke late this morning
dis-jointed
didn’t do the dishes
ate the rest of the sweet bread pudding
then chocolate
then cheese cake
and slowly
slowly
left
drove down to Mendocino to post Bridget’s advertisement for the herbal program in NM in october
then back to the apartment
took a hitch hiker for a ways…
back
gone
over the mountain
so slow
frustrated
and i felt i had to stop at lake mendocino
nothing going on
then to a road-side stop
where maybe i was with jim gilson
a swimming spot by the river
but not this one
this was just teenagers
jumping off cliffs into the swift water
no
driving
i finally made it here to forrestville
was offered chicken
and an insatiable and un-controllable dog
(he yelled at it and yelled at it, obviously unable to control it.. it wanted affection)
some affection
some sex
(i was called a “woman” repeatedly)
then we drove into gurneville to see the Lazy Bears
and as we walked the streets
past all the clones
and all the guys i see every fucking time i go into the lone star (even years ago)
turn the corner; find another one there
i kept wishing i’d find nayland or thor
someone out of place
someone dead, like steve fallas, who i saw here when i first came here, back in 2000
(ah, the good ole days)
i just wanted a late-night mexican resturant
but all i found was bull-shit tourist prices
and no old friends
no one i loved and wanted to hug
just more clones from san francisco and around the world
it just made me feel lonely
just like the first time i was here
people that i knew
from the streets of SF
no one recognized me
i saw tit-pig
and thought of my friends who had had sex with him lately
and though i didn’t find any old friends
the guy i was with ran into some guy he’d fucked more than twenty years ago
and this guy had one of the most cock-tail-emaciated faces either of us had ever seen
and this guy i was with, he’d been on the verge of tears all night telling me of all his lovers who died from AIDS … and how he gets tested every three months…
and i’m whining about wanting a familiar person to walk up to me
and he gets this guy, who pinned him in about half a minute
and he had No idea who this guy was
you’ve been there?
but in this context?
oh, the whole thing made me so sad
i bought lots of chocolate
expensive
and mediocre
we walked outside
past the porn stars
past the bar again
people standing bored and dejected on the sidewalk already
people not recognizing me
but looking at me
commenting
still: i have no patience for this
i turned to this guy
and we simply agreed to just go home
and this guy has been a total recluse for over 7 years
he even had his food delivered
of course
this isn’t setting a good example for me to follow
and i know
i can’t live my life as a hermit
but every time i’m around people lately…
oh, i’ve been talking about this too much
anyway, kids
the moral of this story is
find your passion and live it:
don’t listen to the fears and the doubts as if they know what they’re talking about
they’re teachers and friends
but it’s all tricky
oh wait
i don’t understand anything right now
kids
find your heart, quick
and listen to it
trust it
love it
something
do something and make the world a better place
there’s so much room for improvement
good night!

Nestled inside a nice letter from my father to many of his friends and his family (excluding his wife, which of course doesn’t have oppinions on such things)
was a letter from some other father to some other sons.
nestled inside of that, was a doctrine of war, and fear.
(about how we must unite for this war or muslims will take over the world, we are the last bastian of hope for democrazy and freedom)
my father asked us for our thoughts
so i typed out this:
Well, first
i enjoy that this man went through a scientific propsition of setting up a scenario
creating a question
and then offering an answer
his answer, of course, presumes things that i do not presume in my every day life.
the most pivitol place of difference may exist in his answer to question #2.
why were we attacked?
well
perhaps looking at the world like this has something to do with it:
“We would no longer be the premier country in the world.”
if we think of the world, largely, as a place in which there are winners
and a hierarchy of the better
well, that creates competition
and in a realm of competition
there will always be fights
be it civilized
as in some sort of technology race
or a football game
or all-out bloody killing of eachother
do you think of the indigenous people of this land as being Lesser people?
the indigenous people of africa or south america?
Australia?
are we Model 2.0? and just replacing the old, out-dated and useless model?
or are these valid forms of creation and expression and being?
are all animals and natural patterns of the planet meant to be exploited and destroyed or controlled?
is your goal to eradicate all that is different than you
or only allow “difference” to fit into your catalogue of “known” and “familiar” experiences?
perhaps the people of muslim culture (and the french!)
don’t enjoy the fact
that the way american people think and live their lives
is being sold to the whole planet in an un-avoidable way
dictating that their children are being exposed to a culture based on abusing its nature and exploiting people to their greatest use
mixed with severe crisese of identity expressed in music and film and the culture surrounding those… as well as the media coverage of some of the strange things that happen in our culture as a result of our “freedom”
american culture is like a solvent
and shows every other culture, through the prolific spread of television and internet
-showing people that depend on tradition for a way of life-
that they can live other ways
and god won’t hate them
god won’t even care
it’s full on “tree of knowledge”, “garden of eden stuff”
and it kicks people out of something they’ve been doing for a long time
which is a way of focus… there are projects on this planet that take thousands and Millions of years to be fully expressed
though in the USA
most things get consumed and devoured and excreted as something to be forgotten (art, pop culture, architecture, social ideas…)
in a matter of a few years…
what we have in our country is amazing
the type of freedom we have
to be crazy or respectable in whatever ways we imagine
and have integrity enough to be carried out
but it completely debases very delicate and intricate cultures in a way we cannot perceive at large in America
because we don’t know that kind of subtly
because it cannot exist here
perhaps
if we didn’t act so Arrogant about believing that we had the right to force this on everyone
and THEN the audacity that we then have Authority over places we have instilled with “greed” and “poverty” in places where that used to not even been an option or a distinction.
not to mention how we feel we are free to control forien governments for our own base commercial profits
treating entire cutlures like companies
and forgetting entirely about the importance of each person’s humanity
this world has so many different things on it
and the difference brings out the beauty in ways that bring many weeping
and a depth of ecstasy that Many people never even get a taste of… having never known the vast extent to which existence can be expressed even under all of this planet’s limitations
perhaps
even
because this country is so a-spiritual
(religion is a terrible distance from real direct relationships with the infinity of our reality on a daily basis)
we forget how much we are loved and supported
we forget how we never have to be afraid and suffer so much
we forget how responsible we have to be for every action
and choice we make about how we live our lives.
we are too busy defending ourselves and trying to pretend we are things that we are not
we don’t get to know, sometimes, what we really feel and what we really desire
because
we have no structure in which to recognize who we are compared to the great alien world we don’t have a direct intimate relationship with…
but this is a human thing
and every culture does it differently
wouldn’t it be a kind of progress to decide that was important enough to grow out of ?
imagine how amazing that would make our culture again…
how much it would fertilze this country of freedom
for future dreams of simple people that we can’t even imagine yet..
can you believe, yet again
that you’re the good-guy
and there is a bad guy out there?
or that even We are the good-guys
and there’s a whole bunch of evil out there to corrupt our honkey-dory way of life?
we’re all just trying to live.
we all want to do it our way
what i think of this letter to someone’s sons
is how it makes me curious to what my own father would write to his sons to explain his relationship with his reality and what he wanted to offer to his sons, out of his love
in order to make their worlds a better place
————-
and sent it back to him and all of his friends
does anything get through to those i want to hear things?
there are always ear-wigs.
[ha! funny: i just slightly edited this to make it more understandable, and a little more forgiving and compassionate ]

i used to lay in often meditation
in a dark room of somewhere
image-in-ing my body
feeling every part of it
and filling it with light.
last night i pushed against the flow
making love in a way
[i guess] i’m just not supposed to make love
it left me feeling hollow
as if i had just cum out too much
i couldn’t open my eyes
it took me many many minutes before i could even conceive of moving again
and when it came time for sleep
i felt so limited
and so depleted
i didn’t want to be touched
so i could allow myself the time and space
to let all the energy in the universe flow back into me
as things naturally come back to whole…
but my meditation was different
instead of filling myself with light
last night i turned them all out
>>what would it be like if i made everything dark?<<
so i worked with the willing and let it all flow out
[gone]
the dreams of waking were strong
and i think it's funny
that for months i've not been able to remember my dreams
but the last two mornings…
is it being so close to the sea?
(oh, for y'all concerned about actual spacial relations… i'm on the coast now)
in one
i took a speed boat from our little cabin on the shore (fantasy)
and rode to a small island
where i slept among the rocks "to recover myself"
and how long did i lay among the softly crashing waves?
(this was like sleeping on that island in Acadia park…)
i kept hearing over the radio
my father calling out
"where are you, nick?"
i heard him summoning the police
i heard the police giving reports
and all asking for me
and me… just sleeping through it
cresting up into consciousness ever-so-briefly just to detect the worries…
and when i finally got in the boat
(like a small impororted mini convertable car…)
a cop pulled up on the small dusty lane and knocked on the window
… all appologies: i couldn't find the way to put the windows down…
~~~~~~~
another
i was at some kind of monastery
some kind of retreat
but it was such a cult
and it went from visiting
to fighting for my life
a special gun i had
that shot out waves of sound
parts of songs
(like an MP3 player, i had to pick what song i wanted to use for ammunition, find the right spot with the most powerful sound in the song to shoot at people)
oh
there was lots of running and hiding
and dodging and sneaking around
a final scene of me running down a hallway that would lead me to freedom
dodging throwing knives, star-knives, electric shocks
shooting down my attackers
(not killing them… knocking them out? sending them into some blissful musical interlude?)
with such skill i would speed myself up to slow down time enough to see exactly where each knife would go: none hit me
but then a kid, very much like a faery i know named Sage, taps me on the back
i stop
turn around
he says
"you know, you really don't need to go through all of this: if you want to leave… just leave. you don't have to be like us: it's OK."
the place was run by all these gay guys
really sweet
high-society queens, you know?
but i guess i just didn't feel comfortable…
and there was a third…
but the memories are so vague now:
some odd motherly figure…
that seemed more like an adversary
conversations?
i don't remember
they are cleaning the outside of these apartments
preparing to repaint them
there are loud noises out there
sanders
cars
and radios…
what time is it now?
ten o'clock
— i've been dreaming far too long
time to wake up.

Have i mentioned this?
Back in the day
the stories i hear…
The Toilet
The Ramp
The Mine Shaft…
the fags
pandering to the MaFia in New York City
pouring out their bleeding hearts
(and, lets face it, weeping cocks)
to any receptical that would have them
Rich Italians who knew how to turn screws and keep things going
the whole world based on a balance of manipulation
and exploitation
i think of the other tales he tells me of the early days
… the reminiscence than always flow from his lips when he gets liquored up
when he talks to be in bed
when we’re naked
and having just spent ourselves
these things that come from our hearts…
or come from the vaults our hearts have become…
“when i first entered the gay scene back then
it seemed that every person i met was really amazing
creative, artistic.. they all had these lives…
now they’re embarrassing
some of the older guys, the guys from my generation
at these bear things
they’re real people
but the young ones…
they’re just fat hairy queens buying into a dead culture
working some boring office job that says nothing about their personality or lives
and from which they’ll never advance because of the glass ceiling they hit from being gay..
just like the women or the chinese
what happened to all the amazing people?
it seems it’s embarrassing to be gay these days…”
hmmm
just what i thought when i came out at age 15
believing all fags to be like oscar wilde, morrissey and Allen Ginsberg (not to mention Whitman)
and finding the drug-addled bitchy empty queens of indianapolis…
what inspiration can we find here?
in this sea of conformity and bought-and-sold personalities?
i know i often tell this story in real time when i am explaining to someone what the “rainbow family” is
and, regrettably, they mostly terrify me…
but
back in the 70’s
some of the hippies
(who weren’t hippies, probably, but did these things from their hearts… not from the great current of fashion)
realized that Miller Lite and WXRZ and fucking Doritos or whatever
that were comming into subsidize their events
sit-ins
marches
concerts
or whatever
weren’t doing it out of love
but just leeching the energy…
they split off
forming gatherings where no commercialism was allowed
and they still meet these days…
let’s put it this way:
we are all whores
for the most part
but there are respectable whores
and that’s a whore who not only lover her John
but loves her Work.
we work
we all work
we sell our bodies
we sell our hearts
specifically in this Country
we sell our dreams
we work hard
we give up more than 70% of our lives, often
to making money
what the fuck are we doing?
we’ll not get into that
but let’s just work on this simple premise:
we make our sacrifices
sell our lives in trade for cash
(or credit, many of us)
and then we use that to manipulate our lives…
our money is our life
and we give it to Comcast?
we give it to the war in iraq?
to calvin klien?
we give it to mcDonald’s and Disneyland?
nothing flows one-way
everything’s gotta find it’s balance
and in the law of homeostasis
it’s gotta be equal on both sides
so you give your well-processed life over to a big corporation
make it a little bigger
and it flows back into you to fill up that empty space that once held your life
and how does that feel?
once upone a thyme you were filled with dreams and desires and passions
and now your filled with pat sit-coms and poisonous processed shit-dead food.
tell me, honey
when did this become a good buy to you?
let’s get back to fags
and hippies
and heck
new-age spiritualists
buddhists
scientologists!
mormons and opus dei
what the fuck ever
dilute it and sell it to the abuse of the impersonal who couldn’t give two shits about you
these are the large leeches who get you addicted to their poisons
while draining your bodies…
good parasites
lets the hosts live long
lets them die apparently naturally from the the mal-nourished life of living off of empty ideals…
Um
whatever happen to the bright colours of our lives?
did Tide really preserve them?
did clorox not prove to be so colour-fast?
the UV from “Friends” a bit much
soften your vision
and bleach out your reality.
ugh
the depth of our sadness and disappointment
well, PAY ATTENTION
fuck
what the hell are you doing with your energy?
me?
i’m sitting on a hill and waiting til i feel strong enough to go back into the fray and get devoured again
what else is there to do in this world of hungry birds?
(cough cough)

i feel like i need my time.
i feel imposed on all sides
is it the sun in cancer?
or the waning moon?
why am i so anti-social right now?
more strongly than i remember myself ever being
is this fostering the anger so?
feeling frustrated by the prolific pretensions i’m perceiving around me everywhere
feeling imposed upon…
what knocked down my walls so heavily?
the desires
the lusts
tied strong
pulling the opposition
against the understanding that i don’t need such violation to feel alive
there is a desperation
a curiosity
what it would be like to be with someone in love not based on such crude things
but how could i do that
with someone so crude?
so crude as myself…
i’m amazed by the flow of time
the waves of emotions
just when i felt i was following an undercurrent that lead me to seeking out ways to find the light, positive parts of my heart
just when i felt there were doors opening of giving and pleasure
slammed and broken things clattered into the room
and left me feeling sad, abused, and mistaken.
i’d been waiting for a few weeks for these things to arrive from the computer companies that i’d ordered from Jacov’s credit card
that he offered me for a birthday present
a new hard drive…
when it finally arrived
i copied over my data to it
and then
it promptly died:
my data stuck on it
it locks up my computer every time i go to access it
the catholic guilt i have
makes me think i keep doing things wrong
purge purge purge
would a million days of fasting cure me of this?
i read on line that a woman had fasted for 131 days
forget the world
float down the river
fly off the mountain…
what’s she say while she’s singing?
“will misery turn beautiful right before our eyes?
or blind us where we stand…
will we burn in heaven
like we do down here?
will the change come while we’re waiting?
everyone is waiting…”
bridget didn’t really like it
thought it sounded too Country
— i remember the days i had of such musical prejudice
Ah
it was good to see her
sad that it accompanied all my stuff falling apart
and my mood turning foul…
or was that just my drinking lots of absinth?
i’ve forgotten
but i think it makes my breath smell like terrible cleansing fluid
so i will drink it lightly
in california one cannot get alcohol stronger than 75%
which i find odd
with all these herbalists…
how to make all our tinctures?
still, it seems to be working well enough
i’m quite amazed by the herbal blend
and have enjoyed sharing it with friends
walking barefoot on the roads around the hermitage
seeing the lights dancing in the trees as the evening falls down around the house
(laughs)
the obsidian hot in my hands…
comming back to food has been fun
heavy and slow
it makes me so lazy
loving the flavours
the bitter
the sweet
the meat…
not much cheese yet.
red wine, though
back with Leo
red wine…
writing is the pressure valve
shhhhh
listen
just let me tell you something
let me tell you about my fears and frustrations
let me tell you about my little loves
the good cookie from the shop
some boy who fell in love on the street
the joy of old friends
firm in our imperfections
seeing an old vehicle
knowing friends still love us
in our different ways
and different growths
feeling our desires
flying into and through our fantasies
i had a dream i remembered
yesterday morning
got caught shoplifting!
made to work in a resturant/prision camp
(?)
after the first few days they let me walk out from the barracks and mimick with the people
meander?
mingle
yes
because i had good social skills
everyone instantly liked me
a good confidence trickster
and most of the other prisoners there were famous in some way
it was a small town like Mendocino here
or WoodStock
abandoned by anything useful
over to tourism towards good food and a new age ambiance
the woman who ran the place was like Mrs Madrigal
and knew me back to front just from the way i presented myself
she gave me lee-way
but kept her leash tight
here i am with the beautiful people
the intelligent people
the creative and dashing
slaves to those who know
how to just enjoy life.

y’all’ve heard that thing Da-Vinchi said, right?
he’ws always talkin’bout how he
like
Free’d his sculptures from the blocks of stone…
Well
i’ve created my room in much the same manner.
it’s been a long time since i had a room
and
i mean
a long time.
i left my room in 1997
stayed in other people’s houses all that year
and at the beginning of ’98
i was renting a room in the basement in denver
but
i didn’t really make it MY room
there was nothing in it
it was just where i slept between working
and… whatever else i did in Denver…
in arizona
same thing
the only rooms i had
were other people’s room
and if i had “my own”
it was filled with their stuff
mine was just a visitors.
and i went back to my parent’s house to de-construct and obliterate my room there…
i had a few rooms in ’99
but none of them were really mine
though i rented a room in portland
my room was a storage space
nothing on the walls
no furniture:
i slept on a nicely layed out pile of blankets against the wall
surrounded by haphazad boxes
or i slept outside in the back yard:
sleeping bag in the grass.
an attempted shared apartment with a lover…
but was it mine?
i specifically remember putting up decorations and getting critiqued about them
but i DID get to decorate
…
hmmm
maybe i kinda had a room then
but it was never my own
it was very much Ours
(ah, the nostalgia in that…)
in 2000
borrowed rooms in many places
NYC, africa, arizona, arkansas
eventually the hills of california
where i specifically had a Tree
in a forest
with a pile of blanets layed nicely under a hut of branches
under the tree…
candels and clothing around
perhaps this defined my space
though the darkness could always get in…
and when i got a Room
(after the rain came and washed me all away)
it was shared with my Doppelganger, Zygoat.
2001
was so much travelling
a tent in mongolia
and eventually the Hermitage
and though i got to take it over
and make it My house
i didn’t have a My room
i slept in Leo’s room
(in Leo’s house)
2002
i had my own apartment
a few times
but really
it was just borrowed places
in Amsterdam
Switzerland
Italy
Lyon
even London
but not mine…
2003
i had Vic, my van
and that was my room
my house
my car
but it’s not the same, is it?
now
i have a room
i’ve had it for months this year
this year
officially into its second half
i’ve now taken this room
removing all of its original set-up
and having reconstructed it
from the wreckage of Leo leaving this house
and all my collected STUFF from these travels
beginning to take shape around me
as if i’m freeing my domesticated self from the Ore of my wild life.
to sit here
on the firm bed
cushion against the wall
tea-tray over legs with lap top
candle burning…
Behind me
my buzzing back
Jay is practicing his Didge[ridoo]
Bridget is resting her body in the bathtub
first bath in weeks
they are resting
today i have eaten…
i had vegetables in my miso soup…
i had peaches..
i had sprouted wheat manna bread with dates and cinnamon
covered with raw almond butter
and some sourghoum syrup
and then a nibble at the wonderful granola/trail-mix that Jeff made for me
not very sweet
savory:
ginger/cayanne/cumin
oats, honey, raisins
my room has a floor now
yes,
still a pile of books on the floor
a pile of beautiful stones
some clothes
and a large box (one of two) unfiled herbs…
in a few days
this room will be somewhere for me to come back to.

it occurs to me that the majority of humanity occupies most of their time fighting entropy.
wait, that’s wrong.
that is what is taught to us, let’s say
that we are to make things better and better every day
until we’re immortal?
my being an animal has confusion and trouble with this
i’m trying now to settle into the simplicity of myself
my animal
and i’m angry
(laughs)
scared animal?
sure: most of them are
there is a maniac race trying to make it impossible for them to live so that only one race survives
and when that is complete
that race will then make it impossible for all of those lesser than they to survive
(once, of course, they have advanced their technology enough not to need their lowly servants)
once that is complete
will they discover love?
and all unify into one being?
(laughs)
or will then then kill each other by amazing advanced means
now being immortal
it being very difficult
like a cult of vampires
just dramatically sucking the life out of their adversaries (as everything has become at this point)
and when that is complete
and one Man (will it be a man or a woman? will this race be fit to call “man” at that point?)
will reach up and take God’s hand
and everything will cease.
(laughs)
Neck Exercises…
a friend sent me a link to do neck exercises
and it occurred to me as silly
as all beauty ads appeal
as all fashion ads appeal
to this “not looking your age”
or even “not looking like you live the kind of life you live”
one of the things i love about yoga is
it is a way of life
one of the reasons i respect Leo so much
is his Way of Live
(it’s all about the Way, right?)
Leo talks to god a few times every day
it doesn’t matter if it’s in the form of christianity
what the fuck ever
how many times a day (laughs — week? month?) do you sit down and devote an hour or so to connecting with your idea of eternity?
many people have referred to me as “yogi”
being up here, though, almost makes me stop doing yoga.
being in the city makes me do yoga every day
i have to work so hard against turning into Cement
up here
i just sway with the breeze
time to do a little “climb the tree” yoga
yes..
(laughs)
Oh, by the way, i got that antenna out of the tree
climbed up there with only a lock-pliers thing…
aluminum!
broke off all the spokes
undid the bolts
used the free’d metal pole to pry one of the broken metal pieces out of the tree that had grown around it
but the other one
i could not get
and it made me think of the middle-age’d men i sometimes try to Change
Heal
whatever
Old
they’d been living this way a LONG TIME
i come by
and rip out something they’ve grown around
sure, something that isn’t good for them
or helps them
something that’s a burden
something that’s creating unhealthy patterns for them
but then they’re left with a gaping Hole!
and there are always bits that remain…
even a scar is a reminder.
(sigh)
but i felt the tree was happier
and i checked in with myself
>> are you doing this for yourself or for the tree?<<
of course, for myself
but yes, for the tree
it's good to do things for both of us
and i believe we were both happier.
today i had my first massage client up here
and it was great
i , being on the 10th day of fasting, worked very slow
the massage was 2.5hrs and i didn't do nearly as much as i generally do on the back
but then
he was hairy
and was allergic to oil, so we were using a strange lotion substance
what does the word "emollient" mean?
i'll look it up…
but anyway
he was amazed
he gets massaged all the time
and he said this was the best he'd ever had
(which i actually hear a lot)
$220
which made me feel really good.
it gave me license to be lazy the rest of the day and just get nothing done
(laughs)
which leads me back to neck excercises
(damn! i keep putting the "c" after the "x" when it just ISN'T necessary, i've gotta learn)
i just don't feel like i'm really working on making myself better
i feel the crux of this dilemma is not that i'm arrogant enough to think i don't need to improve
i actually said to someone online to day ' i'm only 26, i've got a lot of growing yet to do '
but i feel so …
what is it?
i don't want to say i feel hopeless
michael moore's new film is direct example that you can change things
he's done a great job
and that's uplifting
maybe i'm getting Zen and feeling that it's just not important
nothing is anything anyway
and though that's a viewpoint
i've always hated it
it's so pointless
but then
i look at things
and they certainly SEEM pointless
but life goes on
day by day
whatever your life is
and i think most people just try and forget about the meaning of things
the reasons
the why's
coz they don't make any sense
and they're not clear
and they're really hardly very useful anyway
unless you elevate yourself to the level where you're actually manipulating the Whys
or come to a level of consciousness where you know all the time that you're in accord with a Why you agree with
and it really is more pleasureable to just eat food you like
and do what you like
and perpetuate cycles
and let the river flow
and keep things as they're going
as they'll always go
entropy all ways wins in the end anyway
so it doesn't really matter
and though there are people who are Go-Getters acting out their passions and perversions on the World At Large
you can always sit on a mountain top
and Think about suing the wine company down there who are spraying chemicals every day with their loud tractors…
but you can always move to an other mountain further away
smoke yourself into a stooper and get on with your life there
or move to another country and learn the language to a degree
reclude, to a degree
enjoy a foreign culture you'll never know the nuances of
thus enjoy more
and try to ignore the rampant destruction going on there
to feed the country you left
who are trying to devour the world.
Hm.
i'm in a hole, aren't i?
excuse me? how do i get out of here?
were is there to go?
mmmm
i'll find a nice river
and jump in
and see where it takes me.
this isn't helping, sorry.
hopefully, no one read this far
la la la.
post it anyway?
Sure: be where you are kid.
alright
as meaningless as it seems
i love ya all.