lovers
i always think it’s funny when someone thanks me for being a good lover
i mean.. i’m Loving you… why thank me?
the loving should be thanks..
i don’t know
but i graciously accept it.
if i had a girl friend
her name would be Sarah
tonight sarah and i left the city and went to Harbin (hot springs)
it was difficult to get out of town
i’ve not been sleeping
you know
i’ve been staying up all night
doing stupid things
i’ve been sequencing CDs
burning them
making little envelopes
My Dear Love
(you know who you are)
i’m having such troulbe
(laughs)
i want to make a CD FOR you…
but i don’t want it to have any heavy connotations about love in a bad way
yet i also feel like you need comforting songs about love
and silly songs that play that up
and then
i also think i should give you much more credit
because i also believe you are very wise in some ways
just…
Shy.
(grin)
but i also think of you as a little boy!
Lovers…
i talked with Leo on the night of his birthday
drinking a glass of champagne
made me sick
(hadn’t had any alcohol for over three months)
made me bitchy and sad
i wrote a long piece that i didn’t post
coz it was just TOO pathetic
the night before, that’s what i’m meaning to say
Leo and i talked about my lover Robert
who is STILL very important in my life
even though he officially told me to Fuck OFF last year
and really
i haven’t really seen him much in three years
— it tears my heart out even now
thinking about him
want to cry
but there is such joy wrapped up in there
and the nature of my being
so
Hey
no throwing that away
Point!
in the long conversation with Leo
Explaining the relationship
talking about Mushrooms and Ray of Light
sex, chalk outlines, faries
patterns
leos…
i said, in a very peaceful and understanding way
that i knew that Robert had been here to teach me something
— For many years he gave me a type of love that made me want to be a good person
it changed Everything for me
when i was 15 i got dumped by my first lover
in a very shifty way
and i degraded into hating everything and wanting to destroy reality
(i’m very dramatic and extreme at times, as is my nature)
and
though i was not still in that state when i met Robert
vestiges were still around
and though Robert was no Saint of perfection
the feeling of being IN Love with someone
especially someone so sweet and giving and sexy and scared and vulnerable and Big and Strong and small
so Whole and Human (while still being very magical)
gave me the desire to build the world with love
— my rivers changed course
and for many years after i left him
i always had it in my heart
that i was loved by someone in a way that gave me a reason to be a good person
such love that made me MORE loving
because i had a reason to become so
i knew that if i could completely sort myself out
learn to love everything about myself
then the world i’m in
i could be with him
and accept everything about him
and love him.
he said i would have a great relationship
(while looking at my palm)
but not for a while yet
he hoped it was him
we both did at the time
but we were doubtful
and now
i guess i accept that it’s Over
in that
he taught me a lesson
as far as my old patterning would let me play out with him
and he will never be my Husband
he will be my Rabbit, though
definately
my Gorrilla Momma
my Walrus, Yes
not my daddy, not my boy friend
but a good friend
and
Lover
even if i don’t ever make love with him again
Love
he taught me something about love
in the past years
my occupation has been in learning about Love
have to get into fear
have to get into anger
death, critisim
have to get into cooking
massage
tolerance
patience
acceptance
compassion
Love
i have loved in many different ways
i’m learning more:
the time of my fetish is comming to an end
and just like my relationship with Robert
it will never be Over
it will just be completed
completed paintings still often hang on walls
decorate
remind
and still beautify
i will still always adore quickly and passionately the big furry ones i love so much
but Over and Over again
i find i cannot do with Bears all that i want to do
i can only be a small part of myself
(and really, it’s not that small, but i wouldn’t say i’m HUGEly endowed or anything)
Serious
i find again and again
that men i am attracted to on a purely sexual level
can only satiate me on that level
and if i look at what i want to be as an Identity
as the face of my person
i would hate my monicker to be
“a great fuck”
even though i am
i want to really exceed that
i have so many friends in my life that thrill me
take me to places i’ve never gone before
in art
creativity
nature
knowledge
…
i often find i can’t get physical with them
but i am learning
Now, i’m Gay
it took me a long time to be OK with that
even though i was always fine with the sex part
the label was a bother
but now it’s alright
but…
BUT
i have always imagined that i needed to be heterosexual
— at least have heterosexual relationships
be Bi-sexual, i guess
but i’m talking about more detail than Bi…
i had the idea for a script when i was young
about a man comming home to his boyfriend of many many years
and telling him that he’s leaving him for a woman
saying that he’d just learned all that he had to learn from being with men
and it was time for him to move on…
as if it were a growth progression like that…
like my brother said..
to go from loving the self
to loving someone different
then creating another person from the two of you to love
he termed it “being more important”
i’m more dynamic, or more scattered
to think of having things as one focal point
and
though people often think i’m straight
it’s the last thing i’ll ever be
but i want to learn how to love women!
i also want to learn how to love thin cute gay boys…
i’m learning:
it’s about Knowing them.
it’s about building a relationship with them
it’s about loving and being attracted to what’s inside of them
and wanting to appreciate that
wanting to glorify that
wanting to give to it, to experience it, to recieve from it
to share it with them.
beyond form into content?
content is not so easily recognized
it has to be experienced
gotten into
lived through
to be known
(for those of you who use this structure: it’s my ego progressing from gemini to cancer, yeAH!)
The Passion of my Fetish is very strong
so
it will never be over
it will always be nourishment
it will always be a signpost that leads me somewhere
but
Blessings
may i follow others to lands beyond that…
Oh, blather
i just wanted to tell the story of TODAY!
so late and scattered
(now and for days)
i was supposed to meet Sarah at 1
but was fiercely horny for some SF reason
i made a mess of myself trying to find something
all dissapointments in all directions
confusing to me why i do this
the town is swarming with hungry ghosts…
ate chocolate cake and cookies!
sleep deprived (four hours last night? three before? six before?)
obiously running myself into the ground
S and i move the time back to 2:30
she’s got stuff to do
as do i
but come 2
i call her and tell her i need til 3
i leave the house at about 3.
Grrr
SO angry with myself
i start my voice in my head telling how terrible i am
blah blah blah
i took wrong trains
didn’t know where i was going
had to wait a long time
tried calling other people
because i figured she’d be very angry and not want to go any more
or not even be there!
and i’d be stuck in the east bay
must find a place to stay…
but it was the middle of the day!
i couldn’t reach anyone
so
i got to the BART station at 4
(hour later than half hour later than hour and a half later than original time)
and she was totally cool
loving
flowing
Right On
i pulled myself together
we picked up some food at the Berkeley Bowl
and headed out of town
Drove
through the thick traffic
to Harbin
got there round 8, i guess
(didn’t really get out of the city mess til close to 6)
it was an amazing visit
Wednesday’s are Wonderful
very chill and sparse
sarah and i played
contact improve dance swimming
( sarah is a girl i’ve known for short periods of time since 2000 )
then i took her to the Mulberry tree
two of them
but one of them
the tree is like a ramp
an open door begging someone to come in
you walk right up it
and into its branches
heavely ladden with fruit
we climbed up into them
me
going higher and higher
stuffing our faces with the beautiful black berries
fingers stained
smudges on our faces
big smiles and full happy bellies
we sat in that tree, climbed around it
ate
for nearly an hour!
and the hot hot pool was amazing today
so sleep deprived
i melted
and in the cold
similarily
i prayed
and it was the most powerful experience i’d had…
like the time i took mushrooms at the hot spring many many years ago
i was being taught… healed… cleansed
INVIGORATED
sarah and i exchanged massage in the body-temp pool
i got SO turned on
she’s so HOT!
i’ll have to link to pictures sometime
— i was chuffed
i loved working on her:
i want to massage more of other genders…
then more hot
more cold
more swimming in the pool
walking naked in the dark in the forest
talking with beautiful people
being treated like a guru
being able to sing my songs
yarns of reality
Sure!
sarah sang her song
and we resonate
that’s what friends are for
ugh
now she’s sleeping in bed
we’re back at the hermitage
and now i’m Tired
now it’s time to sleep
but i’m glad i had time to write a bit
love and thanks to you.
so, i’ve just back-logued a little journal project i had in 2003
i met some guy on the internet who asked me
over and over and over
to make an on-line journal
and this was before i met devanand_tree
who introduced me to LiveJournal
and people had been asking me to do this for Years
so i just gave in
and did a few long email-y things sent out to an increasing list of friends
and then…
i stopped
don’t remember why.
but i posted them HERE
so you can go see what i was doing last year
in bits
if you’d like…
the last two were just emails
one i sent to my brother
the other i sent to my frien Rick, who gave me the van i drove around in
and i thought they told the story rather well
so included them
enjoy.
(oh, and i’m not exactly sure how to link to those pages the best, that link will not always be accurate… but it will work for now…
if, in the future, it doesn’t take you back to them, you can always click HERE . . . but if anyone knows a better way to do this… let me know… Thanks)
eating too much.
eli called and we talked
while i ate the poison cake
bought for $2.99
not full ov love
full of partially hyrdogenated oil
he talked about the difficulty of appreciating people
he’d called the night before to tell me he appreciated me
we talked about the importance of having friends, lovers
i told him i was working on a new project
a new relationship
i loved Leo so much
i wouldn’t make him my boyfriend
wouldn’t want to do something so terrible to him!
whereas eli was specifically working on having a boy friend
and his aires boy friend had just had a talk with him about how he was tired of being #2
to eli’s career… eli’s future as a film-maker
eli appreciated me for motivating him in the directions he needed to be motivated in
and i was telling him it was also important to have him as a lover and friend that was in my life so i wasn’t just living my life for myself
but for friends
he told me that’s what his boyfriend is for
and my brother says being in love with his girlfriend and having a child is how he does it…
Leo walked away while i was talking to Eli on the phone
Eli is an old love
comfortable and worn in
fights have streatched us and shaped us
made us fit and form to eachother in ways only time and use can…
there is a familiarity…
i know that often makes people Jealous…
today i worked on appreciating Leo
it made me even more critical of him
but so much more loving too
being able to voice my annoyances
and then
when i kept my tongue to myself
i would watch him
love him
and then notice that what i was going to say was un-important
not only because i was listening to erling wold’s opera “Queer” based on William Burrough’s novel and life
and heard Bill Lee ranting about wanting to control his lovers so he could get EXACTLY what he wanted
but because of the little things that Leo does that annoys me
his little hypocracies
his little negligence
compared against the “reasons” i love him
they are NOTHING
in perspective
he still has more integrity than most people
does love draw me too near?
watch the details too closely.. miss the man?
i remember all the others i have fallen in love with
become so close to them
i think of them as me
and of course they are:
all their decisions are going to affect me too
and damn it
i don’t want to get hurt by other’s mistakes…
but i don’t always make great choices for me
i guess i can let their mistakes be theirs
and just keep watching out for myself
the game of trust with attention and gaurd is strange
but i guess that’s the healthy way…
ReGaurdLess
i still feel not-sexual really
we started playing a bit today and i just wasn’t in the space for it
didn’t really like the smell
though the cock was good in mouth
i just didn’t want that
it’s more about cuddling right now
like
i think of going down to the city soon
Leo and i are going down for business
hopefully a few more massages, etc…
but i thought of my friend Robbie
and how i’d love to go spend the night with him
and though i thought about the sexy bit
the way we fit together
i know what i want from him sexually
he’s just not like that
— our relationship amazes me
and when i really listen to my feeling about him
what i love best
and what i really want
is just to go to his house and sleep with him
wrap up close to him
cuddle
and fall asleep in his chest…
see how the vines i planted at his house are doing…
i have a soft tired smile on my face right now
thinking of all my lovers and friends
and imagining forgiveness and love
i still wish i had a huge bed in a warm room
all of our bodies draped over eachother
dreaming together
breaths in a symphony
accompanying the night-winds
the breezes in the leaves of grass and trees
inspiring the birds
and the sunrise…
i love the warmth of the briar
still
after the smoking is done
hands wrapt around it in the whoorring winds of this hill top
reminds me of a warmth somewhere
i don’t like feeling that i’m giving up on loving
can’t love everything
can’t hate everything
the art of loving
the deliberation of what is worth keeping
tending, cultivating
and that which should be thrown away
waste is just a long-long compost
it’ll all come back again
shouldn’t mourn it too much.
i have to examine different ways of loving:
if my lover isn’t going to be my saviour
isn’t going to be the person i want to be come
isn’t going to be my enemy
what is my lover?
is he my friend?
my companion?
is he the one i share my life with?
my living experience?
is he one of the many?
one of the cast? one of the audiance?
one of the family?
who are you, lover?
can i trust you?
only as much as i trust my self
and i have admitted to being a trust-fund-kidd
in that i only survive if i trust
trust in god
trust in humanity
trust in my self
my soul, my ego
i only know that survival is based on love
and
further more
survival isn’t enough:
love is creative
in the act of loving
a child is born
and that child is art
that child is compassion
and that makes the world a better place
even if our love is rooted in fear and shame
that love should create a hope
a light out of that confusion and darkness
if i am to be my own loving daddy
fostering my children
raising them to know that
in the end
they will be safe and warm
and more:
happy…
amongst other things, yes
but i should be able to promise them at least that.
you: what do you want from me?
i hope that you can ask me for something like that
and i hope that i can give it to you
and i hope that you love me enough to stick to your desires
coz we create this together
and just as i’m counting on myself
i’m counting on you
we owe eachother that
after such a long relationship…
momma let me start all over
cradle me
oh
momma cradle me again”
other precious things i have been reminded of:
for those who don’t have Faith
there is Will
that is, if you don’t believe in destiny
you can make the whole damn thing up yourself
but you got to have a damn huge amount of determination in order to do that
and you only get that if you have faith in yourself…
we can live life in the movement of the moment
flowing with what’s happening
listening to the wind
and responding accordingly
the very act of being blown upon
the ripple in our own bodies
causing further gusts that affect others
our wake creating life-shifts for those after us
or
to make things happen willfully
we must be firmly rooted on the ground
heavy in gravity
feet secure
to push around things less weighty…
to choose one
or the other?
will or faith?
to believe there i can choose…
knowing that it’s always a balance of both
but listen:
what are the leaves telling me the wind is saying?
—-
i’m on a bus heading north
i found a $5 bill on the ground last night when i didn’t meet up with the director
leaving a message from my mobile phone
i scooped down and picked it up
“i guess i’m lucky tonight”
but i’m reticent to give that fiver to the bus driver
when he won’t even get the tip
it will just go into the money box—
they don’t give out change; i shoulda known.
no one has change for a five on the bus
and i’m tempted to stand up and start “spanging” them
i’ve never spare-changed in my life…
but i don’t feel good about not paying the full fare
$1.60 short
and the bus driver obviously doesn’t care
i’m riding
and we’re almost to Santa Rosa.
but that’s not what’s important or interesting to me really right now
i want to talk a bit more about love
maybe lust
this whole week i wasn’t feeling lusty
and the little bit of sex i had was mainly just for the physical contact
and, yet again, it all felt like service
what we do… we all have a gift we have to give
i received “thank you” emails from the two i am thinking of
and i enjoyed being cuddly with them…
i just didn’t particularily care about sex
today, however, i woke up lusty
two hours in this city/bath-house
to find a trick
then they just rolled in
— a guy i met last month at the bear sex party
my age
lebonese
furry and chubby– very cute.
but i didn’t play with him
he was busy in other realms, it turned out
i went and played with a latino cop
(shrugs)
then with the director from last night
ah HA!
i wanted to kick him into shape
made me think of homer simpson
surrounded by krishna
i ate blood oranges without peeling them
which made me feel really good
and firey inside…
he gave me a tarot reading with the book of Thoth
made me miss my own…
and when i was at the faery gathering last week
the last day
a kid named Bridge went around asking everyone to take a Fairy card from her;
I reached into the center and grabbed: The Journeyman…
like the reading today
it foretold of many more travels a head of me
no home
no settling down
and again, when people are asking me where my home is
i am tapping my chest and proclaiming ” HERE! ”
shucks for the lonliness of the wind
this is what i meant to say a long time ago:
nostalgic for love
this process of trying to close things with Robert
even though he won’t send my stuff back
and won’t answer my emails.
thinking of that boy in NYC who made my heart spiral over and over
maybe if i spoke with him on the phone
i would feel the same
but i felt abstract from him when i corresponded with him earlier in the week through the computer
i spent a few hours reading through his journal, catching up
and tried to input
finding myself dis-connected and he seemed just as non-plus in his replies
it made me slightly angry
but more sad
and forgetful…
spending the day at the modern art museum yesterday with my friend in town here balanced that
but complimented it
i was with him
feeling very loving and friendly and playful
curious and appreciative
but similarly distant
knowing i wasn’t going to BE with him.
i have to start getting my prayers together for this dance i’m doing in a few weeks
and i’m wondering what i really really want
i had said something about “presence in community”
being able to appreciate what i had while i was THERE
more love and appreciation in the moment
concerning lovers/family/friends
more ambient love?
definitely something about that
being more loving in the moment
to super-human degrees
to feel things in a whole and fluid way
compassion and forgiveness
as well as aiding… advice? support? just loving presence…
hmmm
this bus trip has got beautiful again
narrow road rounding a mountain
you know what the view is like…
gorgeousness
i’m going to watch it for a while
Ah yeah
nothing lyke typing a bit to put a boy to sleep
we sing our selves our own bedtime songs…
“someone’s knocking at the door
somebody’s ringing the bell
someone’s knocking at the door
somebody’s ringing the bell
— do me a favour:
open it up… And let ’em In.”
there are a few things i’ve thought about
so i’ll start at the earliest and carry forward:
when i saw my mother and father in LA a month and so ago
it was just about a month… oh, let me look:
Yeah, just about a month from when i left her in Brazil
she’d lost eleven pounds and wasn’t even dieting
her complexion was better, skin tone
and what’s more
she wasn’t stressed out
and all the stupid shit that she and my father would customarily fight over
all the crap he would pull to goad her
she just didn’t care anymore
it was beautiful: something good happened for her down there
me, on the other hand
i was a bit of a mess
Louis (brother) and i fought a bit
and i lashed out at my father one night
left the whole family alone in the desert
knowing that i was the only one that really knew how to get us back
i circled them after i cooled down
found my way back
found them again
tried to talk to my dad
ended up just screaming at him coz he wouldn’t listen
and when will i learn not to feed that stupidity?
but here’s the gist:
“Dad, i do not make myself open, sensitive and vulnerable so that you can hurt me and have a laugh at my expense. Not OK”
he didn’t realize he’d done anything wrong
i was over-reacting
i was staring at the stars
we all were
laying on our backs
mommy, brother and i
Dad, standing up
ant-sy, they would say
he got really bored or something
and wouldn’t lay down to enjoy him self
he walked around antagonizing us
eventually he stood over me and said
“what are you looking at”?
as i started to respond
he flashed a light in my eyes
HA HA HA!
that’s when i left.
Anyway.
i was reminded of this when one of the guys i was talking with up here said his mother was like a cross between Martha in “who’s afraid of Virginia Woolfe?” and a rabid drunk Bull. paired against Homer Simpson.
he said it wasn’t pretty
watching his parents fight
it made me appreciate my mother a bit more:
good for her.
hmm
other conversations:
a guy i met at the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence Easter in the park celebration
finish/italian
6’5″
big hefty guy
makes his money doing accounting
and playing music
reminds me of various people i’ve known
started one of the only 24-hour places i knew in Portland
where Tapestry and i would eat often
— long after he’d sold it
he told a story
of walking around South of Market here in SF
whenever he’d walk by the “BEAR” offices
the owner would run out and try to convince him to model for the magazine
and he always declined
eventually having to acquiesce to saying “ok ok, maybe…”
so he could get away
he said it freaked him out
to walk into the Lone Star and
every face would turn and look at him
Hungrily
he said he’d seen this happen when other guys walked in too
said he liked having sex mostly with straight men
who weren’t particularly attracted to him: just wanted a blow job
i worked it out:
“so… you don’t mind having sex with people who aren’t attracted to you
and treat you like NoOne
but you don’t want to have sex with people who fetishize you
and treat you like something you’re not?”
Exactly.
Hm.
A guy who moved here 14 years ago
and got tested for HIV once
and it was the most terrifying and nerve-wracking two weeks of his life
so he just hasn’t been tested since.
a guy who just moved here (not here really, east of here… but comes here)
a few months ago
from colorado
— originally from michigan
tattoos everywhere
very hot (to me)
met him at the sex party here at marty’s
on viagra
and i guess fucking and fisting and sucking and getting fucked by everything
had a tattoo over his heart in rainbow colours: “Bad PIG”
and i’m a sucker
after i had sex with him (i’d say it was well over an hour)
it just blew me out
and i haven’t really been able to have sex since
couple that with the Ashtanga Yoga session that took place here at Marty’s Monday night…
DAMN
two hours
i sweat more than i’ve sweat EVER
and
like all good extreme yoga sessions
it noticeably changed my life
as if it put me into further integrity
and further made it more difficult for me to have sex
just feeling off
“i’m not doing this right, where is the love? why am i here?”
what do i want?
today i thought i would leave
i was running around stupid
wanted to go see the “Triplets of Bellville”
i thought i got on the wrong train
apparently it was right
i just had NO IDEA where i was going
and it didn’t matter anyway: i left too late
changed plans. changed plans again
wanted to leave for Santa Rosa tonight
where a guy would take me home tomorrow
No
went back down town to meet up with this guy i met last time i was in town
not only is he a fun kid
intelligent– > someone i feel like i want in my life a long time
he’s really sexy…
beautiful thick bushy beard
golden waved mustache
fun in so many ways
kissing the elevator
in the park
goes for hikes
has mostly a shaved head
but for a long patch on the back
to use as a handle
(grin)
that made me feel all NICE
then i met with a guy i met last month who did a photo session with me
(mmm, tis the season)
from a bear porn company, actually
he’s really sweet
we had a nice conversation
and looked through pictures
the new ones from kwai ( in my yahoo photoalbum )
and the ones from mongolia
and the ones he took of me
and the films Eli made that i have on here…
and by that time
i had missed the bus to Santa Rosa
so chose to fall back on the plans i had made for tonight a few days ago:
went to see “After the Fall” by Arthur Miller
as directed by and comped to me by a guy who responded to one of my craigslist ads last December
who i’ve STILL not met
but talked with a lot
he sounds sexy… but the more i talk with him i’m interested in other things too..
so, in leu of meeting him
i asked for tickets to his play
it left me disturbed
it didn’t have a REAL resolution
but for the one that most of us make of all of our fundamental problems:
nothing we can do but keep on living and keep on trying.
it dealt with too many things that i am overly fixated with anyway:
how to tell the truth in a loving way
how to live honestly and in integrity in a world built on lies
how to love another and not just use him/her to torture one’s self
if you’re honest, you hurt her, if you lie you hurt both of you
“and in the absence of a way of life
just repeat this again and again
and again”
it was at Sutter and Powell
TenderLoin-ish
i had hoped to then go meet this elusive director
so i started walking
i needed to work off this sadness/anger/desperation
i called some friends
talked with Leo for 45 minutes
and by the time i arrived at K’s door
he wasn’t answering his phone
so i strolled up to castro
and then took the F street car back to 14th
and came back to the faery house
to find someone else in bed with M
so i tried to sleep out in the front
but these thoughts were running circles round my brain
and i owed them a little breath
now i can sleep
thanks
so many things i intended to say
like Math.
it’s a simple thing
if you think of the world as actions, examples, stories, images, feelings…
to me that seems very human and real
to reduce everything to numbers:
“15 minutes”
“15 inches”
“15 degrees outside”
it’s abstract
and tell me, darling
what is it that uses numbers as it’s only way of knowing reality?
Computers.
perhaps these people who talks in maths and buzzes likes a fridge
are androids.
Why can’t we forget it?
OK COMPUTER: TAKE CONTROL
and did i say anything about the flies?
flies only eat dead things
they hardly ever bother me:
hard to mistake me for dead
some people it’s much easier..
and about robbie:
all those herbs didn’t help a lick
he’s just too passive
he fell asleep
but he told me many things in that process that reminded me of what was important
kinda
he said he never thinks of me as a “slut”
but as a healer
and that i can take sexual energy and use it for healing
he was just all plusses
but also reminded me
that he chooses and understands that he is not a generator of life energy so much
(he didn’t say it like that, but to that affect… effect?)
and that he needs others around him
he is the quintessential bear
big and friendly
loving, like a teddy… like a mommy
smart, silly, simple
hmmm, i don’ t know
but it reminded me of a long time ago when i first met him
i’d get nervous being around him
there would be long silences
becuase there were no arguments
no discrepancies
things just were as they were and it was that simple
i’d never had that-uncomplicated an interraction
and with a Virgo!
it left my dumbfounded and doubtful— suspicious even
now i just appreciate the relationship for that
but also understand that that’s just what it is…
which ties into to Leo
and my understanding of our relationship
back when…
when i thought nearly the same thing
–“oh, it’s a different relationship– no antagonism at all”
that changed as soon as i thought of him as my One big one…
silly me
Robbie also reminded me that i am not the kind to ever have a husband
that i need the million lovers in order to be satisfied and grow
i told him there is a small part of my heart
that cannot grow
until i do have the one lover
maybe only for a short period of time
a year or two
but i need that in order to learn something about life and loving…
… which leads me to tonight
Bear Hugs Sex Party at Marty’s…
i’m very tired
i’ve had some fun
but got really nervous when i watched one of Leo’s sex partner friends
getting fucked raw by some guy that certainly looked HIV+
coz i know he and Leo fuck raw as well
it sends a shiver down my spine
this town and all its illness
what can we do to heal it?
what can we do to prevent it
really– not just fear and bandaids…
HA
how to love in this place…
my body feels drained and sore
still, it’s been a nice day
everyone in town
go down to Rainbow grocery and pick up an Acai soy drink in the fridge section in the back
they are SO tasty
i’m off to dreams
see ya there
i just showed Robbie “Pinochio Dreams”
he asked who Eli was
so i started showing him pictures
i acted very childish
maybe 5 year’s old
i brought up an image
” this is not a very good picture of Eli
there is something precious in night driving
i’d forgotten
we got on the road at 5
it took a while
longer than i’d even imagined
the drive started in daylight, though
mugwort at the wheel
i couldn’t keep my eyes open
i was exhausted
leaving the land
last night was hard
yeah, i slept alone
but that wasn’t the problem
the deal was
i gave NDGo a massage
mostly energy work
and the whole evening seemed settled: ready for sleep
(at 11)
i’d made a nice dinner for myself
i was fed and fine and had done my work
satisfyed…
but i walked back to the barn to… get my water?
no…
something, i don’t remember
and it was full of people
and dinner was happening
Damn
pasta with beef
and then it was hours before i slept again
i walked out to the fire when i was done with barnly things
there was all sorts of talking
there was drumming
i just wanted a warm up
but in moments i was dancing with Cobb
i was doing a circle dance with him
the energy was great
and i was naked so quickly
and then jumped on top of a huge log in the fire
and just walked over the whole pit balanced on it
i only had to fear for the fate of my leg hairs!
and the only hard part
was not breathing over the middle
where it was a vacuum…
the day was filled with lots of talk
that streatched into this now around the fire
about how these neo-pagan kids are abusing the energy
doing stupid rituals
evoking things they don’t understand
well, Duh…
they called up a girl i know
and then there was all this talk about how she had possessed this boy
and there was all this fear conjured
not just that
but another boy i know
and his multiple personalities
i got all terrified feeling
there was so much fear being passed around
and then, in their neo-pagan-new-age-whatever
they would then refuse to talk about anything anymore
least give it more energy and proliferate it
so all conversations were left cut short
unless you were there in the beginning in an intergral role
which has its merit
but the rest of the conversation was fluff
we want real life!
anyway
i left the fire feeling scared
it pissed me off
i sat in the tent and had to meditate quite a while to dispell the fear
but going into my own light to dispell that darkness…
<
it was beautiful
and i found such power there
i slept very well
and then the day
today..
bouncing back and forth…
wild strawberries
pointed out by the woman that took in my
(ugh)
Ex-boyfriend from portland
after he lost all his weight and his beard and was a meth-head and dealer
.. he didn't tell me that part of the story
and it made me so sad
but then, i knew not to put too much stock in him…
i love all the people in my life, though…
the sun was intermitant today
and i did my work in preparing to leave
posting ads on Craigslist for massage
as well as answering a few
and going through most of my emails and doing the same
saying good bye
seeing my sleeping friend and whispering in his ear
"i love you, good bye"
understanding some finishing touches
hearing
"well, we think you're beautiful and sexy AND we can have interesting conversations with you— you're leaving too soon"
yes
but i think it's time to come home
"pull in my string, like a kite that's flown too high"
i took the wheel as we were leaving ashland
and it didn't take too long
before i was just flying
centring my energy as i used to do on my long drives
doing root-chakra yoga work
and qi-gung with my crystal balls
then just with my open hands
getting really High
listening to african music… from tanzania…
listening to the 3rd and 4th piano concertos by Beethoven
then Bjork's Family Tree
i flew through the night
watching the moon rise and greet me and cast moon-bows…
preceeding that was the sunset and the gloaming comming on as i approached and passed Shasta:
a snow man imp sprite jumping down the rocky face
persuing another Kokopelli
everything flew by
and it didn't seem long at all
we had decided to switch drivers when we were close to the city
Mugwort knew his way: i didn't
a rest-stop in Vallejo
i pissed for about three minutes–
built-up yerba mate
and all that energy work
my piss was frothy…
as i washed my hands
a beautiful black man came in
we smiled at eachother
and the vibration swam between us
there was a great connections
and his smell was intoxicating
but i told him i wanted to be naked in a bed with him
so got his number and told him i'd see him later
the view was beautiful
hill-top, that is
everything looks better from far away
or at least ugly things do
at night
in the dark
when they are lit up
like stars that got drunk and crashed to the floor
forgetting their origins
and making do with dancing like that
so stationary
but i'm here now
there'll be some music trading tomorrow
and there'll be some sleeping now
for the week will open up
work and friends and more learning about love
then home again
before then?
i encourage you to ask questions
After summer harvests start winding down, before the winter coal shipments pick up, business gets slow. Truckers take their vacations and get to know their families again. Sometimes I go days without a rig to climb into. I have enough credit for Stacey to keep me supplied, but I miss having my dates. The other boys always talk about having to get high to help them do and then forget their tricks. But I’m pathetically aware, now I get high to fill the time between tricks. Because, no matter how rough or though the trucker, that point of soundlessness, that instant before they are spent, is the sweetest contact anyone could ever have with anybody. I hold those moments — the tobacco and grease-stained hand lovingly caressing my throat, the lips parted in silent ecstasy, kissing my forehead like a parent placing a good-night kiss — I replay them in slow motion as if they took place with the prolonged consumed movements of someone running under water.
page 137
Sarah
by JT Leroy
so, what’s happened?
tonight is the last night
the first night i’ve cooked for myself
not the first night i’ve made myself tea, though…
i’ve given two massages
but i would say i haven’t really had sex
this is kinda confusing
one guy
every time i touched him i got hard
simple
but i didn’t really find him physically or otherwise attractive
however: he was my “type”
so one day
when we kept passing and it kept happening that i’d get hard whenever i touched him
i decided to just do something about it
and there was very little kissing
no blow jobs or fucking
just some body touching
and he was very close to cumming quickly
and i worked him off with my hand
— he came big white thick drops on the dark mossy ground
and, regardless, i was very turned on and orgasmed – but did not cum.
a few nights later
the eve of Beltane
i came back to the fire to warm up before heading to bed and jumped into the pit right next to another guy i had been seeing over and over again
— now, in a gathering of 150 people
if i keep connecting with someone over and over again i notice it
he REALLY wasn’t my type nor really attractive to me in any way
not repulsive or anything..
and a really really big dick
so i’m getting warm by the fire
and the closeness, the dancing
my cold hands graze his warm skin
and he says “that feels good”
so i start rubbing them all over him
knowing how good it must feel
and enjoying how it is warming my hands as well
and his huge cock is now hard in front of me
and it is the eve of beltane
and i have heard the be-moaning of how the gatherings have had less and less public sex
so… of course.. as community service
i suck his cock
… for 45 minutes.
but there wasn’t really a Passion there
more a Play
where as the first
there was a Passion.. just not really Fun or Desire..
not whole
more experiments
not really making Love
not really Sex
but i woke up hearing the men in the forest cumming
i’ve masturbated in my tent a few times
in and out of sleep
and climbing into beautiful sunny spots
that’s been pretty good
but on the other hand
(ha!)
i set up my computer in the bar to display pictures from last year’s beltane at short mountain for other to see
but it showed me all the beautiful sex i had last year
(beltane is a sexual time, for those who don’t know)
Eric… Goat… Clara… Robert.
Stupid me left Robert on there
who i just can’t forget
especially being here on this land
where i cam right after i left him for the final time
still in arkansas…
i came here my first time
with him all over my body
with him in my blood
in my sweat
the sun would heat up my body and bring him out in me
i would have amazing sex magic with him out in the forest
out in the meadow with the sun loving us
that memory was here
but he was even less here
but for his face staring out of my screen
and the fact that now he won’t even talk to me
– ohh, my brashness
and my sexual confusion
— there were some beautiful boys that i enjoyed seeing here
sexually or not
but there were others that i just kept finding hot hot hot
thick and strong and babyish anyway
and another bearish one
and then some older viet-nam vet who was interesting in many ways
big thick grey fu-man-chu and long braided grey hair
thick beefy body
huge cock
very reserved energy
bi
and telling me about the end of the world
coming soon
to a reality near you.
but nothing with him
nothing with any of them
the cute boys who find me sexy who i don’t really want to have sex with
but love other ways
the cute beefy boys that i make no secrets about wanting to have sex with them
the bearish older guy that i am trying to play with all the time
and the people who stare at me with sexual yearning in their eyes
where am i right now that nothing touches me?
they don’t reach inside and violate my boundaries at all
nor do i do that to them
thank you astrology, or whatever
it’s nice
but also just strange
i’ll sleep alone
again
tonight.
what has happened?
after i was with the one man who came while i played with him
(the blow job around the fire never climaxed while i was there)
i went back about 20 minutes later
and looked at the path where his seamen had fallen
and ants had burrowed up from that very spot
ant-hole freshly open
the little pebbles of ant-dirt un-earthed
somehow they knew
the little earth-gnomes
came out to do their work
i didn’t eat that precious fluid filled with someone’s vital energy
but they were taking care of it
the big globules of cum surrounded by ants
in perfect rings
drinking it up
WoW
alright.
what has happened here?
in the heat of the days
i would walk around naked all the time
barefoot and naked mostly
and otherwise wearing the white-silken chasible i got from Leo’s…
everyone called me jesus when they talked about me
some said it to me
which is not a rare occurrence, for all of you whom it occurs to
in the heat of the days
i would do yoga naked in the sun
or go down to the river
and jump in the cold water
but it was only in the last time that i jumped in
that the cold was not shocking
the last time
late in the day
when the sun was low enough for the trees to cash shade on the rocks that were usually the warmth i ran to after the rushing cold waters
now i knew that i would just be cold when i got out
so there was no fear… no rush
just jump in.. hang around, stay around…
wash me… wash me…
what has been happening?
on the way up here
Kwai and i stayed in Arcata a night
staying with Damon (nomaD)
who just moved into a new house
back yard: a red-wood forest
i did yoga on the old-growth stumps
(ugh)
Kwai took pictures..
i’ll post some soon
but that doing yoga in the redwood forest got me SO high and SO grounded
the first four or five days of being here i just felt GOOD
everything was OK
i was very grounded
no fear
nothing got to me
s’alright
but on May 1st (Beltane)
everyone was on mushrooms
i declined, centerdly
and all ov a sudden
noticed that i was useless
un-needed
and un-able to connect with people
which wasn’t true. of course
in fact
someone came up and thanked me for being someone they could ground with
but
for the most part
i just felt abstracted and isolated
the ritual seeming mostly hollow to me
so messy and … not easy to believe..
[ when i first started all this Faery stuff… i could come into any belief system and just accept it.. so i could experience it… knowing that it was SOMEone’s reality… so could visit it like a town or time or planet… and had myself.. my own reality to return to..– i lost that ability, it seems, when i was last here at Wolf Creek: my 23rd birthday back in 2001– when i cut off all my hair and tried to get to the truth of myself… who is a judgemental bastard.. it seems]
so, in my isolation
In My Solitude!
i wandered back to my tent
and noticed that No, i was not grounded
i did NOT feel good
and everything was NOT OK
everything that i was confused about and scared of
was still there
i had just moved on
or ignored it
or whatever
and being faced with it was just as
confusing
scary
and hopeless as always
i looked at it a bit
rolled it around in my palm
gave up
and went to sleep.
that pretty much cut me off from feeling good the rest of the gathering
it’s May 4th now
so that’s been about four days of abstraction
i was still able to connect with people
but only in limping lame kinda way
and maybe that’s just how i am now
maybe my intention for healing should be to be Whole
but isn’t that what i’m always praying for?
does anyone else pray for things like this?
that’s not what i’m doing
i’m telling you of my day-to-day
in my abstraction today
i stay on the internet for nearly two hours answering all my emails
and getting worked up over bears
mmmm, Sex
but none to be had!
still, i orgasmed at exactly 1:31 pm
when the sun was opposing the moon exactly
and prayed
for
wholeness and love
today has been lethargic
as have all the days
(yesterday? the day before?)
since people have been leaving…
it’s like we all come together and share our energy
and then people leave and take that good energy with them to share with the world
and
like it’s limited
it leaves me
here
feeling empty
i have been napping a lot
just sleeping
and when not sleeping
un-able to really do anything much
just laying around.
i finished reading “Sarah”
by JT LeRoy
perhaps i’ll re-print for you the only second of the book i dog-eared.
i was shocked by the book
because it is his first book
and i had read his second before this
“The Heart is Deceitful Above All Things”
which was just one big painful horror show after the next of shot stories
BEAUTIFULLY told.
“Sarah” was fun and playful
absurd and campy and intelligent and epic
well, all that i had read before arriving here at the gathering, that is
the last few days i finished it
and it turned sour
like the rest of the stories he wrote
still beautifully written
but with the moral:
sometimes you just don’t fit anywhere and you have no one; not even yourself.
Ugh.
the morrissey song “ouiji board” was stuck in my head on Beltane
this lyric particular:
“… and i just can’t find my place in this world”
Ohhhhh
(laughs)
(hrmmm)
and another ritual was meant to happen the eve of the Full Moon
but they just couldn’t get their Shit together
and Pinn told me about a “Queer as Folk” episode where two of them go to a Faery gathering…
i was also tempted to go to the place where the TV and VCR were to see “Goat Boy and the Potatoe Chip Ritual”(sic)
coz i wanted to see Goat for this beltane…
but the tape was broken
and Queer as Folk was just as terrible as i remember it
that is, i had only ever seen one episode before
and it offended me so much i decided i never needed to watch another
Yes, portray fags as stupid weak out of control queens addicted to drugs, diseases, dance clubs and fucking themeselves over as much as possible in their compeditive bitchy little retarded materialist worlds
(wipes the blood off my nails)
of course
i guess that’s what main-stream TV watching culture is made of anyway
but why would anyone watch that shit?
much less faeries?
so these two faeries love QAF
so sit through two episodes of this shit
and it just makes me sad and angry
i missed the ritual
but apparently it was kinda a disaster anyway
i left the house after the TV was turned off
and walked back through the freezing grass barefoot
the moon so gorgeous
the fire nice and bekoning
i played drums a bit
sitting next to Spanky
a boy who i found So Beautiful
furry torso
nice and muscly, chubby too
blond fur
bright blue eyes
and a facial structure similar to a Simpson’s charecter…
i’d been trying to get some physical intimacy with him for DAYS
and he puts his arm around me
drowsy eye’d
he’d been drinking and smoking
we cuddle a bit
i breathe deep
and our breaths converge at our hearts upwards
then settle down in our bellies
and it’s nice
like we’re old friends
and then we start talking
he makes some reference to
“you certainly don’t need any help closing your circle… or opening your circle..”
and i don’t understand
but i still feel that he doesn’t want to cuddle naked with me
though i’m all confused about it
and to make matters worse
i’m turned on now
but there is no understood affirmation
perhaps i’ve just forgotten how to read west coast people?
i left and made my way back to the barn
made some tea
started copying music
and noticed i was exhausted
but there was tea to drink
and cake to eat
.. Chris walked in
[ a boy i met in P-Town last year who came out here and crashed in Ashland for the last 6 months.. i told him about this place a long time ago and hoped that he’d be here— he is… was ]
told me there was even better cake out by the fire: with chocolate chips…
that, combined with the hopes i could talk Spanky into bed…
back to the fire
.. he was gone
the cake was good
i was so tired
but not in a way to sleep
perhaps i was just on a night cycle?
but i decided to retire anyway
and… slept alone
so today i was silly
like a child
just being annoying to everyone
and napping a lot
and giving a massage
and yelling at the bitches
stern, like a father
but trying to smile while i did it
i made miso soup
like a mother
wanted it to heal everyone
i ate chocolate
made cookies with Jericho
slept in a hammock
slept in the meadow
feeling abstract.
is it going to rain today?
it looks like it…
it’s chilly…
moon is waning…
didn’t rain
i will sleep alone again tonight
and i am pretty sure i am leaving tomorrow morning with Mugwort
Nova and Baby in the back seat
now what?
a week in the bay area
hopefully some friends and lovers
hopefully some good cuddlying
and some soft loving and comfort
hopefully some massage work and money making.
i don’t know how the week will work out
or the rest of the month
i’ll probably be back up here for the dance in June
my birthday
again
then old friends in Portland
as long as new ones…
then Rainbow gathering?
when will i get back to NYC?
and when will i stop travelling and just rest and home and write and rest and heal and create and love and GROUND?
a girl, Bridge, was going around yesterday with a deck of cards asking people to take one .. to have
i looked at the deck and just reached into the centre
my finger snaking between the stacks
and pulled out:
“the Journeyman”
doesn’t look like i’ll come to rest anytime soon
walking over the skull
maybe there is another who is the journeyman
who will come to me in my
solitude
“i pray — dear Lord above… send back my love”
i typed these things at the gathering
there was too much noise
it didn’t work out
here ya go:
a friend asked me what i do in my day-to-day
that’s difficult
because
every day
i’m somewhere else
so
theoretically
what i do every day
is streatch
do yoga
feed myself somehow
often eating raw fruit
cooking…
sometimes miso soup or kitchari (a curry)
i read
and
sometimes
i write.
often, i sing to myself.
now, i’m going to cook with friends.
[hours later]
the day goes as it needs to
this is something i’ve been addressing:
should i MAKE things happen?
or go with the flow?
“only dead fish go with the flow”
really dumb fish fight it all the time
salmon only swim against it when they’re going to breed
and die.
sex is always a powerful motivation, eh?
what did i do today?
let’s back-track a bit.
i was still up at the hermitage
when he asked me this question
[when you asked me this question]
i was going stir-crazy
because i wasn’t interracting with people
and that was only a few days
i need to learn the peace of solitude again
hermitage is a good place for it, eh?
yeah yeah.
[the next day]
what did i do today?
it’s mid-day now
and by that
i mean
three o’clock
the sun is high
it is HOT here
i haven’t done anything yet.
i woke up late
thankfully
hot
so many blankets
and the heat of the sun
but last night was cold
last night was the “know-talent show”
————
i typed out the lyrics to “gold for the price of silver” — a song by Kings of Convience…:
if it takes control
of your body and soul
embrace it
if it makes you cry
or leave you wondering why
don’t turn around: face it
but do turn cold
if they promise you gold
for the price of silver
if it’s chemically made
by people you hate
pinch your arm and see if you’re still there
everything you want is what i’ve got to give you
you just have to let yourself come with me now
everything you want is what i’ve got to give you
there’s no time to hesitate
come with me now
let’s go and watch the sunrise
let your heart
run along to the rhythm of your song
(2x)
run along to the rhythm of your song…
(3x)
run along…
everything…
—————-
i tryed typing some more…
I always think i have
like a gemini taurus trick
i always think
i have trust shit…
issues
i thought i was so happy
then, later, i thought i was just not dealing with my problems
but it doesn’t have to all be dealt with right now
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