i just landed…
late
sat at the terminal
posted the journal entry i wrote when i first got there
and the one i wrote on the plane
backdated them
so you have to click on my journal to read them
but this is just to let you on my friend’slist know
i’m home.
Hello New York City
i’ve missed you!
now:
to meet up with my Australian friend over in Terminal 7
— we’re off to Broadway!
Ah!
what a week!
wednesday to wednesday..
i had a slow morning in cocoa beach
with conversations about the future
cleansing…
eggs…
oils…
shells
in a spacious way…
we made our way to the Greyhound station in Melbourne
which had moved to the airport
and was about an hour late
down the coast…
i was quite surprised by all the storms
thought it was sunny and hot in Melbourne
it was only moments down the 95
that the sky was grey and thick and spitting on us…
there was a part of me that wondered about coming to florida in late june…
but i figured all those sagely men of the Celebration of Friends should have known what they were doing…
indeed!
storm season: it’s what makes it a tropical climate… to rain in the summer.
i took a taxi from the bus station to the hotel
and arrived exactly the same time as Jim and Gene..
many handsome men by the front door
but i walked right by them
to be greeted by Jim
waiting by the front door
on the inside
waiting for Gene.
we checked in
and i was impressed by Embassy Suites…
i’d not been in one of these since i was… probably… 14
we used to have “rich” relatives visit us
( i later understood it was part of the middle-class ideal to appear “rich” — none of us actually were )
(barbie-tale-ideals)
they would stay at the E.S. in Indianapolis
and we would spend as much time there as we could: it seemed so exotic!
this surpassed my childhood memories:
it was like a jungle in th ecentre
huge ceiling
up 12 floors
the couryard was a maze of bridges and paths through a jungle
waterfalls and rivers
cute
commenced with cuddling
hugging Jim and hearing is stories was great
lots of laying in bed and talking…
i gave him a massage too..
the days passed fluidly…
i wasn’t feeling overly sexual
it was mostly about watching and wondering
i felt like a child
also like an exotic fruit
many people stared at me
wondered…
i had to make introductions mostly
but them men mostly responded very favourably when i did…
some big beautiful beards…
many men refering to themselves as “santa clause”
quite a few of them played Him in the malls of their homes…
Livonia Michigan!
yes!
(laughs)
the next morning i went to the Vendor Mall
there was a guy from the upper peninsula of michigan
who had moved to Australia 40 years ago
and now delights in fucking married men
and filming it!
i had found some of his video’s when i was downloading porn a few months ago
and when i went to his website
i decided to buy his two DVDs
but then noticed he’d be coming to the Celebration
so wrote him to ask if he’d be selling his wares there
he said Yes
so i waited to buy them in person..
he was a very friendly fellow
so handsome
we have the same taste in men, though
so i bought his discs so i could enjoy seeing him in his sexual pleasure
beauty
heat
he gave me a free disc as thanks
Sweet!
Gene had been talking with me about playing with older guys
and i told him the story of the herbal erection tea i’d made for Leo
He Wanted Some!
so we all went out to Whole Foods to buy
Yerba Mate
Damiana
and Oatstraw
— and i showed him how to make it in the coffee maker
then Jim took me to haulover beach
layed naked from about 3:30 to 6:30
and went home with a big sexy italian {Sagittarius} guy who i’d talked with on line
but now his beard was died in a charcoal fu-man-chu against his natural grey
it looked silly
but
admittedly
hot
he took me home and made me Putanesca
i tried, but failed, to make garlic mayonaise as i was taught in Brazil
we ate
cuddled
slept
it felt really nice
i kept feeling bursts of pleasure which made me want to say
“i love you”
but i’m hesitant down here..
he dropped me off at the beach in the morning around 9
on his way to work at the Salon
(hmmmm, hairdresser)
and a guy i’d talked with last year said he’d come meet me on the beach
so we hung out together
he’s from long island originally
but used to summer here
at the age of 15
he started an affair with a married woman aged around 40
and made a huge scandal
she left her husband (a rich doctor)
and married him
then divorced him
so she could still get her alimony benefits
though she still lives with him.
a performer, piano player
for a while they toured together: he sining.
he’s lived here all these years
(he’s only in his mid 30s now…)
and hardly ever comes to the ocean
so we swam
and talked
i practiced my skills at underwater blow jobs
but it’s difficult in the ocean
— all those waves jostling us about
and the salt water!
many guys from the Celebration were there
and this guy i’d seen around the hotel
seen in photos from last year
and seemed to recognize was there
he bumped into me in the water while i was playing around with my other friend
and grabbed my dick with an exagerated cuban surprise… big eyes
— we got eachother going…
ahhhhh
Haulover Beach…
the day was lovely
my italian friend returned to pick me up around 12:30
and i felt nice and cooked
a few hours later
the burn set in
which i was surprised by
but i guess it’s the solstice sun…
ouch!
he took me back to the Hotel
and i decided to take things easy
did a massage any way
then hung out with people
after the massage
i walked back to the hotel
and stopped by a plaza that had the artworks of my italian friend in a Framing shop
and noticed an eye-glass shop that had frames i really liked…
so i made an appointment for the next morning…
back at the hotel
Gene told me about a sex party happening upstairs
a guy i knew from NYC was hosting it ( a guy introduced to me by a friend from SF)
— after the massage
i sat on the toilet with my cell phone
playing Solitaire…
i’ve had a lot of trouble finishing the game lately
keep having to fold…
— everything to me can be an oracle
and in my mind
i strongly felt a voice
“fucking is not good for you right now: STOP. don’t get fucked and don’t fuck other people”
i think it’s coming up as very important
i have to stop by the time Saturn moves into Leo
which is July 17th
this is a challenge for me
but i agreed to it
as i did
the deck all made sense
and i beat the game of solitaire for the first time in days.
OK.
clear message.
still
at that sex party that night
i fucked a guy who i found so CUTE
a big polar bear of 73 or so from near Buffalo, NY
and got fucked by the hot cuban guy i’d met at the beach
(who actually lives in NYC)
we was a spectacle
the whole party stopped and watched
(so i was told by other people… i was too busy to notice)
[ “will i complete the mystery of my flesh?” ]
the next day
i walked back over to the plaza
and went to my eye appointment rather early in the morning…
i’d been having irritation in my eyes since i had arrived in Orlando
and at this point
the left one was completely red and swollen
and i was a bit worried:
was this pink-eye?
i was having some crusties…
i’d seen an add on TV while i was staying in Cocoa about a pill you can take to fight “dry-eye” by making your eyes tear more…
in the list of side affects i heard them say “we don’t know how this can affect people with Herpes in the eye”
and i remember being shocked by that: i didn’t even know that could happen!
was what was happening to my eye an hypochondriac response to this worry?
the doctor took a look at it and told me we couldn’t do the refraction that day
my eye was too swollen
and it looked Viral…
so he gave me some anti-inflamitory drops
and a perscription for anti-biotic drops
i had to go pick up from the CVS
i felt depressed all of a sudden
sad and annoyed
angry at Florida for doing this to me
that passed pretty quickly when i got a great Açai smoothie for really cheep right next to the CVS
and watched the hunky mexicans doing welding nearby…
then i sauntered back to the Hotel
my eyes already feeling better from the drops…
i walked out to the pool area
and ran into this guy i’d talked with on line about a year ago
who’d driven down from the other shore of FL
BIG italian {virgo}
bigger by 50 pounds than the other big italian
(and there was another Big italian i was flirting with by the pool that Gene had suggested i chase… he had also died his grey beard with a fu-man-chu… who knew?)
this guy just got back from NYC
where he’d hung out at the Dugout and played the Bear-Super-Star
as he’d just been in American Grizzly magazine as a cover star
… he gave me his magazine
and i knew every guy in it!
i felt like a bear whore…
and spent the next 24 hours with him
he was very hot
and i got the “i love you” feelings with him as well
but, again, didn’t vocalize it.
he was very italian
in that controlling arrogant kind of way
plus
he made harsh judgments of everyone
— his virgo was a bit exacerbating
when i came back from his hotel to the host hotel
Gene saw his magazine that i had left in the room and immediately hit me up
“where is that guy? he’s SO HOT!”
yeah
we’d done some photo shoots
had a good time..
but i felt a bit outside of it…
i’ve been noticing lately
that when i’m getting fucked
i have MORE energy than usual
and when the cock comes out
its a noticeable change in ecstasy
i wondered if that’s like getting addicted to it?
it worries me…
i gotta stop and strengthen my root chakra
(engaging mulabanda right now…)
the last day of the event
i decided to just spend with him
cuddling and talking
coming to grounding
they both left the hotel at 7am on monday morning
and i went up and knocked on the door of one of the many men that i would have liked to have played with…
but hadn’t got around to.
he had his part-time-boy-friend sleeping in bed
so he said he’d meet me down at my room
what a beautiful good-bye romp!
then my ride arrived:
a guy who had written me through the massage web site
and separately…
he was very excited to meet me
saying he’d read much of my journal
— we had a lot to talk about on the hour+ drive out to Shark Valley Everglades preserve…
we got there about 10am
and were ambushed by mosquitos!
i was shocked!
so much so
that i acquiesced to using bug spray
which i haven’t done in years!
then we began our walk…
it was very reminiscent of the south african Veld…
long views that went on forever…
the bugs kept us moving
but we stopped many times to enjoy the fish and flowers
the beautiful birds…
and the Gators!
a bunch of babies…
protected by their 7 foot mother…
(grin)
a 6 foot guy playing in the shallow water about five feet away from me
nuzzling the ground
rubbing his nose
like a playful dog…
.. with huge razor sharp claws and teeth..
the loop through the park was 15 miles
and he said he had walked it before
… but not this time of years
the bugs and the heat made it very difficult
not to mention
about 5 miles in
i got huge blisters on my heels from my sandals…
i took them off and walked barefoot on the grassy shoulder of the path…
the observation tower at 6.5 was beautiful.
a cool breeze
no bugs
we both decided we’d catch the tram back instead of walking the rest of the way:
it was another 8 miles
and being 1 o’clock
it was hot [ashell]
we sat and talked
the phone rang!
— when i returned from Brazil into Miami last year
i had most intentions to hang out with this Cuban guy i’d talked with for a year or so
but when i arrived
i couldn’t get him on phone or email
he called the last day i was in town last year
appologizing
telling me his father had died
and he was very sorry.
Ah..
he calls me in the everglade
crying
flustered
tells me he has to miss our date that night:
his father has died…
i say
‘ didn’t your father die last year? ‘
and i had to bite my tongue not to be mean
which was true?
either of them?
grrrrr
whatever
i then got a call from another man
who i’d talked with on line since 1997
but had never met.
a few months ago i found him on the net again
and saw he had moved down to Lauderdale
so was excited to meet him on this trip
— we made a date for that night.
when the tram came
they told us we’d have to pay $13.50 to take it back
so we had them call the ranger
who’d pick us up for free
then we walked on
continuing the path
until he came and drove us back to the lot
we drove directly to the beach!
clouds come in
waves huge
we went swimming
— this guy was a native
and hadn’t been in the ocean for YEARS!
in the water
we met another native who spent a lot of time there
and really wanted to fuck me
— i just DOESN’T work in water!
we played though
all three of us
that guy was the only one who came…
TWICE!
i practiced my underwater BJ and felt like i figured out how to do it
he was happy!
while we, all three, held eachother in the huge waves
pellicans dove over us
— lots of fish in the water…
it was beautiful and memorable…
we stayed a little over an hour and he drove me home.
cooked me dinner
and we ate and talked…
it was difficult
trying to explain to him the “truth” about me
— i didn’t want to be mean or overly judgmental
but i tried to his explain that he didn’t have anything that attracted me
his life was very Spacious
and i wondered if it was his work?
a financial advisor…
always dealing with money
i often feel the fallacy of money is
you take your vital life energy an transmute it all into cash
what use is that?
— trying to explain that he didn’t create anything to share..
his house was white: walls, ceiling floor
dog
just not attracted
nothing wrong
not for me
how to say that without sounding judgmental?
even now..
rejection is painful
but
sometimes
necessary.
he drove me up to M’s house
Hairy Pop
a guy i’d talked with for Years…!
first time meeting…
His Leo energy sucked me in…
back from those days when i loved only Leos…
he took me in his arms and everything he said sounded like the truth…
“florida is filled with broken people”
he didn’t say that
but it’s what i heard
— he made jokes about that’s what brought him here..
all of a sudden i was obsessed with diabetes
and was explaining to him
and my italian friends
— it seems everyone has it!
Hydrogenated oils stop you from using insulin!
poison!
doctors…
what do say?
anyway
i had two days with him
of subtle conversation..
he said so much less than everyone else
said it slowly…
said it with so much meaning and truth…
— he’s from virginia…
spent his life as a Fire Fighter…
beautiful man
but what do we do ?
they asked me when i’d be back to florida
even the people on the beach
“we’ll be waiting for your return”
just a slight burn
settled into a nice tan
got me a new pair of glasses
after another massage client that was also a Leo
great sex.. like the good old days with…
a faery emails me that day about Robert!
“i had sex with him and he left a bunch of stuff in my tent!
i emailed him many times and he never responded… does he hate me?”
‘ no.. it’s just what he’s like … ‘
arrogance and non-compassion
we’re all there
cycling through…
so strange
this morning
the beautiful french/italian swiss boy going through bear411 and bitching about everyone he saw…
ah
the beautiful and young of Lauderdale
and the old and wise
who i came to visit
different beauties…
well
thanks
thanks Florida
for the sun and sea
the conversations
people’s lives…
i appreciate it.
see you later…
ok.
i’m getting on the plane soon
returning to NYC
hopefully i’ll have time to write about all of this on the plane
and post it when i land…
sewing up the crotch in my pants
— actually making a change, being affective…
being incredulous that i could affect change in my life
Gay life and alliGators
… arrived in Florida
flew into Orlando
through an Ordeal…
missed the F train as i was walking down the stairs…
this has happened a few times over the last few days…
so i caught the next train, a J, south
but it stopped one stop before Fulton, which is where i could have changed to the A
so i had to take the 4
which was 10 minutes or more of waiting
one stop
there
waited another ten minutes
for the A
it wasn’t going to the airport
so i got off at Lefferts Blvd
and walked around.
bought some water
and Roti
oh!
it was so GOOD
i loved the indian woman…
she loved me too
filled the Roti with Lamb meat (and bones)
and Liver!
fuck burritos.. i just want Roti…
well, i did have a good burrito on 23rd street the day before too…
finally: first one in New York..
anyway
i ate my Roti
so hot (picante)
it made my lips burning and itchy
lit my eyes up
long bus ride
checked in at the auto-check-in at JetBlue
as i stuck my card into the slot a woman behind me yelled
“Dominic, Don’t!”
it was her son
yeah…
i checked in as the plane started boarding. . .
had a seat up front
i passed out
my forward bend is increasing nicely
(thank you, marijuana!)
i landed in Orlando
had lots of messages
long story short…
i rode with a 27 year old from New Brunswick
who’s gay
but can’t deal
married a girl from france who just needed a green card
then became obsessed with her
so as to not deal with anything about himself
things are tough
we talked
he drove
i ate blueberries.
he picked me up from the guy’s house who picked me up from the airport
who had every Orisha
i was introduced to Ogun and Elegua when i was 19
and B introduced me to Yinmaya and Chango
now here’s all these others too…
this guy plays santa
and does readings
runes
and …
this kid
picks me up there
and drops me off at his friend’s place
the guy i came down here to meet
who’s a Babala of Chango!
Santeria everywhere!
conversations
gets me high
i sit
embarrassed with myself
he says i’m so afraid
i’m running from my gift
embarrassed
like most of my sex is to keep an energy dynamic that keeps me powerless
and i’m vampirically drinking this shitty-male energy
yinning down the yang
channeling it through
feel embarrassed
i want to be better than this
he says
“what is
is”
is is
and i know
oh
“it’s just fear”
and
“you gotta know your emotions”
i just feel sad
and this isn’t sexy to me at all
not just sad
i don’t mean that
sad.
i go to sleep.
slow morning
wake
slow
slow day
watch “the puppet masters”
old Sci-Fi movie on TV
ugh
Florida.
we go out
to the everglades
we park the car
and i point to the airboat rides…
we walk over to “the lone cabbage”
18 bucks
we get a half hour zooming around on the swamps
see the gators
the cranes
little birds
purple flowers
the wind in my hair
the roar of the engine..
the guide says that gators can bellow
but before that
they emit sub-sonic base sounds that another gator can hear over 5 miles away
— the water dances on his spine…
after the ride
we went for a walk through the marshes
my friend stopped
i kept walking
i started throat-singing
and there one was
15 feet away
floating in the water
water as warm as the air
just his nose and eyes sticking out
…
prolly about 6 feet long…
i sing to him
i do mountain pose
i feel him…
Thanks.
marsh lands…
bitten by fire ants
just a few
not that bad.
we’re talking
i rub his head
“it’s good luck to rub a nigger’s head, boy”
he tells me a story about his racist boss as a child…
good luck
i jump in the ocean
so good
feel my body broken in the waves
wash that city out of me
ice cream and movies
now it’s time for dinner
and we’ll sleep.
tomorrow down to lauderdale
yeah….
admittedly
i’ve done precious little since returning to NYC than masturbate
i’m trying to break the habit
but i feel it’s tied intrinsically with my burgeoning anti-social character…
today
i had planned to do to very social things:
attend a ritual in central park for the solstice
and meet up with friends for “Folsom Street East”
Neither accomplished.
i woke up late
[didn’t go to sleep til 3 last night…
the client i had got me stoned…
and i’ve been wanting to get stoned
it’s been a while
it was very good for me
i praised Shiva
i went down christopher street
i could not go in the bar…
i lay on the lawn
and did yoga
High
so good for me
but i scared all the kids down there
.. i was a little freaked out: i was the only white kid there..
anyway
it took me a while to get back to the house
and when i did
Ganapati came over
and i made a neckalace for myself
we talked
and achieved another First for him
then i needed to pass out… anyway]
i lounged around
by the time i was ready to leave
it was already past 11
and this guy had been calling me
i just let him come over
skipped central park (it was over at 12)
then went to head up to the bronx
but decided to buy an iPod Shuffle first
it was a run-around
but i eventually succeded
and am now the proud owner of a Gig Fragment of my music collection.
i got to the garden about 3:40
and J had been there an hour
zhe had nearly finished the other wall on the rock bed i had started
… and had been weeding when i arrived
had to leave shortly after i got there
i found myself mean and critical… judgemental
but
of course
i didn’t express it
just felt it, thought it.
when i was alone
i got down to work
fully aware
that if i didn’t leave by 6pm
i’d miss the entire street fair
surely enough
N called me asking me where i was about a quarter to 6
and i just didn’t didn’t feel like going down..
i wanted to see him
but i didn’t want to hang out among the leather guys and vendors…
errrrrrrr
i just can’t right now
don’t want to go to sex parties or bars or street fares or parades…
i’m feeling very cut off from gay culture
yet
on that note
i’ve been having more male to male sex than i’ve probably every had in my life
i feel like i’ve been cumming two to three times a day
steadily
if not from sexual interaction
then from masturbation
— frustrated
coz i don’t want to masturbate: i want to co-create
and i’m not here in NYC to lock myself up in my room with a computer
to garden
alone..
Ugh
i feel inept at relationships…
Yet
the gardening is so good for me
to heave
haul
move the dirt
mix
get my fingers cut up
scrapped
in the dirt
tilling it with fingers
ripping shit up
making it peaceful
making it home
making it grow
taking care
tending…
grow grow!
seeing it grow.
very good.
and every time i’m up there working
many many people stop and comment on how great it looks
and talk to me about it
and wish they could help with me
love it
shower me with blessings of appreciation!
it’s good.
it’s good for me
it’s good for the community.
it’s good for the earth
it’s good for the school
the kids
my friends
the plants…
i’m good for all this
and myself
i’m good.
it’s good.
i’m really glad.
Anyway.
i’m leaving
i got to get to sleep
i’m leaving tomorrow morning
heading to Florida
yeah
flight 69
jet blue
to Orlando
Yeah.
well, what?
Celebration of Friends
mmm
cuddling with some known friends
others?
surely..
surely days out at the beach
nude beach!
haulover!
naked
warm sea water
so blue
melt
tan
burn
through….
Yeah
and hopefully a hike in the everglades
yeah
chasing gators
maybe find myself a husband of one of them
or an orchid
go live in a swamp
in a tree
hmmmm
but first: Sleep.
do you remember the movie “Magnolia”?
the sound track was great for me
as cheesy as it sounds
i’ve had this song stuck in my head since i was behind the wheel of a car again last week
driving sideways
pause, for a second.
Breathe.
Yeah.
On… Tuesday?
i went out to Kingston again
met up with a nice Nurse, J
he drove me out into the hills
those thick green rolling hills
we walked through the granite, the wild blueberries, the tall pines
(loving, supporting, shading; not redwoods)
down to the stream
as it snaked its way through
pooled
we ate our food
we took off our clothes
we jumped in the water
and everything washed away
yeah, thanks
thanks for the barefoot in the forest
thanks for the wind in the trees
thanks for the sun!
and hiking and playing and cuddling with someone fun
yeah.
just a little flush on my face…
then drove back into Rhinecliff
waited at the train station
listening to “Apostles of Hustle: Folkloric Feel”
by the time N arrived
it had ended and i changed to “Broken Social Scene: beehives”
we had to do some shopping
i bought Adell’s turkey/portabello sausage
and cooked for us
then we talked
and i was getting really sharp
teeth, nails…
even some tools, i’m sure
prying..
giving advice
asking questions
looking closely
he said
“for this to work you need to not treat me like a project”
i said
‘ that’s why i don’t live with you ‘
yeah
that’s what i do
strange
i give him space
i give him space and space and space
it’s about giving him space
to me
it feels like ignoring him
yet he still thanks me
looks at me and thanks me…
we watched Space Ghost Coast to Coast
as he fell asleep
head on my knee
i made a necklace and two bracelet out of gem stones
… it’d been Years since i’d done so…
went to sleep after one
yet still woke just after seven
so scuttled around the house
sat at the computer
stretched a bit
then went out into the back yard and lay naked in the sun
cobra
autobiography of a yogi
went back in
made plane reservations:
flying into SF august 1st (happy birthday trevis)
returning to NYC on the 11th.
mercury fucking retrograde in Leo
which basically means i will fight with not only Leo but also N
we will not understand eachother
more subtle art of Giving Space
biting tongue..
but, good?
well, going back to the hermitage and the west coast in retrograde
fitting
a good time to pick up stuff left behind
re-visit
move on
yeah.
then changed my flight to florida
so i’m leaving on monday now
to orlando
to meet this Sam guy who’s talked with me on line for three years or so
i don’t even remember when we met
everything: wyrd.
then a week in lauderdale.
in the sun and the sea
and a million silver daddies.
hmmmm
but that took a while to fenagle
still, got it done
and then N and i went out to kingston again
shopping
Michaels and Lowes and Good Will
ugh…
and then Del’s Dairy Cream
juicey 1/2 pound burgers
yeah.
bad icecream
good good good softserve…
then back
finish a few things on the computer
say good-bye to N
and headed south
left at 7:30
a bit of rain
beautiful countryside
as the night came on
so did the city
so the light stayed about the same
i wore my broken glasses to see the street signs…
got back to 79 at 9:45
S, who had my key, didn’t get my call
so i waited for him for 10 minutes or so
then he helped me take stuff upstairs
all the flies were gone!
while i was away
he watched the house
watered the plants…
put up more fly paper
and sprayed them with “meat water”
to attract the flies..
i’ve been thinking of that
Meat Water…
how did he prepare that?
it worked:
no more flies.
still
strong smell of cat piss
OK
ok..
we talked
strange…
he just turned 20
we had sex last week
he was 19
i had sex with a 19 year old!
and it was a lot of fun
gemini
he’s so funny
my Ganapati
so in his head
asking me questions
saying
“you have the most amazing ass… you know that?”
“you really give great head, the best i’ve ever had”
i told him he better be careful
having sex with me at such a young age could ruin him for life.
i showered while we talked
then i had to rush out the door to return the car to A in Williasmburg
her friend gave us both stickers in response to the “If you see something, Say something” campaign here in NYC…
i’ll post about it with pictures later
i took a cab from there back across the bridge to the west side to see my russian friend
who looks like such a big hot top
but he is SO bottom
and huffing on poppers the whole time
it was sad
and dissapointing
we slept, neither came
had to be up at 6am coz he runs a cleaning company
out on the street
early morning
grey sky
grey water
down by the river
look at that water
i stared
transfixed:
back in NYC.
i walked…
last night
in the cab over
i saw my favourite thing from Los Angeles: Robek’s Juice
where was it?
Worth street…
when did it come to NYC?
i couldn’t find it..
i jumped in the train
tired
A to W4 to F to Delancey
to Rivington
to Clinton
79
up 5 flights
tired
sit
what a grey shitty day yesterday was…
on the computer
planning
looking for orlando
looking
trying to respond
i should write…
should write about the Meat Water
that boy…
there’s so much i have to do..
and it was a while
but
whilst on line
a guy called me i hadn’t seen in a year and a half
and then
only in the back of my van [vic]
he came over
we talked, played
he drove me to union square
i got a halal gyro
carrying a tray of tomato plants given to me by the Nurse, J, in Kingston
everyone thought it was pot
i sat in Union Square
and ate
then the phone call
one of my italians
the lawyer
his office
is just down the street
so i went
love the sound he makes when he shoots
his whole body
the city is filled with sex
hot and muggy
i took the train
A to D to 4 to 176
walked to the school
everything was filled with weeds!
i watered and weeded for hours!
then started making a new bed
it started raining
got one wall done
then took the 4 to the D to the A to 42nd street
over to 9th ave
to work on one of my first clients here in the city
a guy i like a lot
great massage
but made me miss yoga
he told me my friend Marcel was in town from Amsterdam!
i left
and ate at Better Burger before my next client
then i realized
i had No idea where this guy was
so i called his number:
it was a hotel in DC!
oh well, sorry.
i went home
wanted to sleep
but there were so many emails
and so many phone calls!
ganapati calls and tells me he’d dreampt about me in a way he’s never drempt before
so many firsts with me, he says
“we had sex… then we were flying.. naked… i never fly in dreams”
‘ i fly all the time ‘
i did sleep
then at 9
i got out of bed
this morning
Gregary called
so i took a cab up to see him
now i’m at union square
posting, finally
a bit about what i do
now i gotta go
back to the square
north west corner
to meet Marcel
blessings
so
when i first started LJ a year and a half ago
i thought it would be a great place to post my Balancing project
not that it’s really a project
but it was my first “on line journal’
—
this guy i’d met asked me to tell him about myself
so i wrote a long piece
and sent it to him
(many of my initial Stories are in there)
and then i didn’t hear back from him.
scared him off, i guess.
a month later
when i got back in touch with him
he told me he’d decided that
even though i was amazing and
like “vast new vistas to explore”
he’d decided that he would go back to his junkie boy friend and watch TV because he didn’t want to have to work at living.
this pushed me over the edge of my teen-age despiration
(well, i was 20 at the time, but it was my saturn square… i was breaking)
i started writing long pieces
doing my best to be honest about myself
in front of all the people i loved and respected.
my family was not included, because we didn’t at that time.
but it was my early days of internetting
so i had a few people on there i’d never met…
and various others i’d met just once or so
it lasted a few months
with people opting out along the way
some discussion
mostly
just me and a few other of the creative types
posting crazy ramblings
(so note the email address: some of the posts aren’t from me i’m only writing from my first intenet address: horsestorideon@hotmail.com — which no longer works)
— i’d meant to upload all of this to my LJ and back-date it
… it’s a year and a half later
and i had only put two up
so i spent some time yesterday and put up about 30 more
up to November 9th, 1998
the link to the first entry, which is like a prelude is here
http://www.livejournal.com/users/waltzingtree/42265.html
then just click the “Next Entry” in the upper left of the page and it’ll take you to it.
there are 130 messages more to process in
— i’ll do my best to putting some more every day
linking back to here for an intro
and with a link to the most recent
the user pic i used is a gif i compiled of five pics taken of me around the time i was writing it
— i don’t have any after i actually got to tucson (which was november 15th, i think)
until mid ’99 when i was living and working in portland.
if i do
they’re in a box somewhere there…
ahh, the pre-digital days…
anyway
just going through these last night sent me… off balance
remembering old friends
(i’m not really friends with any of these people any more…)
ripped through me like lightening
i stayed up really late
and didn’t sleep well
filled with dreams
tumult
but here we are
grey day
(like sunday)
so gotta keep on living
only click into here if you’ve got time and anthropological interest:
it’s an interesting picture of time and kids…
it’s a lot of words.
i got up here pretty early on Friday
and pretty immediately fell asleep on the bed
slept for about three hours, i think.
N was working in the studio
work work.
we then went out
to Woodstock
having just driven about two hours (in the rain)
i was a little burnt out
and didn’t really enjoy woodstock
for some reason
i had the few times before i’d been there
but this time
it just seemed tedious
we headed home
after buying a few art supplies
and eating bad mexican food made by unhappy white girls
on the way back to the house
we drove by Bard Campus
and i saw a kid i had met a few months ago at the More Gardens house.
Jack.. and his beautiful white dog: Birch
i pulled into the parking lot
and chased after him
Birch had been hit by a car in Boston
so they caught a ride over here in a rig the day before to attend a healing gathering called “Earth & Religeon”
which i felt pretty stoked about
that this big thing with all these crazy spiritual people was happening right as i arrived!
but i left N in the car
so after doing a reiki healing session on Birch (with about 7 other people)
i ran back to the car
and drove us home
N went to the studio
i sat at the computer…
around 9pm
i drove back to the campus
because Jack had told me about a fire happening there
so i found them
and sat and listened to stories and songs
wanting to contribute
tell my story
but the more i heard
the more i felt like i didn’t really belong
and then i remembered:
this was “Earth & RELIGEON”
and religeon isn’t really my bag.
still
it was nice
i gave Jack a massage
talked with this woman who was a dancer
she seemed amazing
she told these stories about Elephants
did dances
said that they are magical in so many ways
we don’t know how
but the African Elephents can find water anywhere
dig down with their tusks
and drink with their trunks…
which creates water holes for other animals to drink from!
and when they mate
they do it ceremoniously:
many females gather around to watch the Bull mate the Cow
and the females all blow their horns
making a glorious sound
and then go to sniff her snatch when it’s dripping…
YEAH!
anyway
feeling good
but tired
i went home
nearly 1 am
i went to sleep
…
and woke kinda early
but didn’t do much
what’d i do?
layed around
on the computer?
ate apples
yeah
been eating apples
N went out to pick up the mail
when he got back
we decided to go visit his friends
who own a company that makes “Dirty linens”
bed sheets and boxer shorts covered with Tom o’Findland’s artwork
(no visible cocks- but nice sugestive imagery)
we helped turn pillow cases inside out for an hour or two
having great conversations…
A asked me about what i learned in college
so i told him my life story up-til-now
which is always interesting for me:
people always respond to different things
it felt intense
N and A were good at moving the energy away from things that got too heavy
eventually A needed to crash, though
coz he had a fever
so N and i went to Rhinebeck and walked around town
had two slices of pizza that were pretty good
and came home
then
i FINALLY got to give N a massage
it was a bit over three hours
!
yeah!
funny, though
coz i kept saying things i’d never say to a client
things like “you know: i’m only doing this to cause you pain”
which were jokes and everything
but it was like… preying on his weakness?
sometimes i think i’m a sick fuck….
it’s hard to love.
it’s hard to heal your lovers
much more difficult than some random joe (or john)
but it was a success
then we went out walking
ate at a new resaurant here in Tivoli
and it was… Bad.
Yeah!
we came home
he NEEDED to watch some TV
so he went upstairs
i… Sat at the computer.
went up to sleep with him when i heard the TV turn off and finished what i was doing
it was around 12:30
—-
slept pretty well.
woke up kinda early.
N was still asleep
and he usually wakes up before me.
i made some lemon water
ate some apples
stretched a bit
sat at the computer
it was nearly 11 by the time N came down
i asked him if he wanted to learn some Yoga
and he said “yes”
so i plied him with water
but asked him not to have coffee or food
when he was ready
we went up stairs
and i instructed him for… about a half hour, probablly
taught him Mountain Pose
and Pranayama
then started with the basic Sun Salutation
so much comes up in being an instructor!
wanting to criticise
but constructively…
wanting to give space
yet guidance
let him feel
yet suggeest…
it was a pretty positive session: he was sweating and breathing hard
YEAH!
i also taught him cat-cow
and let him spend some time in upward/downward dog.
i told him to do it everymorning
when he gets back tomorrow
we’ll see if he did.
then he wanted some studio time
so i came down here to sit on the computer…
he got two drawings done
and then we were out the door
to get cash in Red Hook
then eat at a local mexican restaurant actually run by a Mexican woman
and it’s the first good mexican food i’ve had since leaving california!
YEAH!
then he got an iced coffe from the White Rabbit
and we rushed off to make the train.
we did.
the clock in the car was five minutes fast: i corrected it.
then i drove across the river
and just… drove around
in the hills
the farming fields
stopped in at a antique store and bought a silver spoon
(sterling.. he told me the difference between Sterling and Coin…)
then drove up to where Edgewood used to be…
stopped by the Resivoir that supplies NYC
and thanked the water…
it was so beautiful…
then walked through the trees..
it felt SO GOOD to walk in a forest!
i remember, though
as i was approaching it…
The Apprehension
that is a THRILL
that fear
the danger
and walking past that
INTO THE WOODS
enjoying it so much
oh
when you know your desire lies on the other side of fear
GO, dear children: GO
anyway
i walked in the trees
just felt so loved and good and yum.
picked up a rock to use as an incense burner back at 79 clinton…
then drove…
through the rain…
back home.
Tivoli.
fine
munch
little things.
sit at the computer..
very tired
but talked on the phone for a few hours
then headed to bed.
(sometime before midnight, after 11)
—
woke up around 11 am!
guess i slept well
i woke up a few times before
but just fell back into dreaming
GOOD FOR ME
then i scuttled about the house
ate some apples
sat at the computer
stuff happened
day goes by
took a shower
stood Mountain
out in the sun…
i’m up state.
in a small town called
Tivoli
i came up here… Friday.
i’ll be here… for a few more days.
it’s quiet.
i just gave a 3 hour massage to N
then we walked “into town” (down the street)
and got some pricey mediocre food.
it’s alright.
i’m reading books
and enjoying the peace.
yes
a little bit of wind cleans the eyes
like this
Huuuuuuuuuuu
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