i feel like i need my time.
i feel imposed on all sides
is it the sun in cancer?
or the waning moon?
why am i so anti-social right now?
more strongly than i remember myself ever being
is this fostering the anger so?
feeling frustrated by the prolific pretensions i’m perceiving around me everywhere
feeling imposed upon…
what knocked down my walls so heavily?
the desires
the lusts
tied strong
pulling the opposition
against the understanding that i don’t need such violation to feel alive
there is a desperation
a curiosity
what it would be like to be with someone in love not based on such crude things
but how could i do that
with someone so crude?
so crude as myself…
i’m amazed by the flow of time
the waves of emotions
just when i felt i was following an undercurrent that lead me to seeking out ways to find the light, positive parts of my heart
just when i felt there were doors opening of giving and pleasure
slammed and broken things clattered into the room
and left me feeling sad, abused, and mistaken.
i’d been waiting for a few weeks for these things to arrive from the computer companies that i’d ordered from Jacov’s credit card
that he offered me for a birthday present
a new hard drive…
when it finally arrived
i copied over my data to it
and then
it promptly died:
my data stuck on it
it locks up my computer every time i go to access it
the catholic guilt i have
makes me think i keep doing things wrong
purge purge purge
would a million days of fasting cure me of this?
i read on line that a woman had fasted for 131 days
forget the world
float down the river
fly off the mountain…
what’s she say while she’s singing?
“will misery turn beautiful right before our eyes?
or blind us where we stand…
will we burn in heaven
like we do down here?
will the change come while we’re waiting?
everyone is waiting…”
bridget didn’t really like it
thought it sounded too Country
— i remember the days i had of such musical prejudice
Ah
it was good to see her
sad that it accompanied all my stuff falling apart
and my mood turning foul…
or was that just my drinking lots of absinth?
i’ve forgotten
but i think it makes my breath smell like terrible cleansing fluid
so i will drink it lightly
in california one cannot get alcohol stronger than 75%
which i find odd
with all these herbalists…
how to make all our tinctures?
still, it seems to be working well enough
i’m quite amazed by the herbal blend
and have enjoyed sharing it with friends
walking barefoot on the roads around the hermitage
seeing the lights dancing in the trees as the evening falls down around the house
(laughs)
the obsidian hot in my hands…
comming back to food has been fun
heavy and slow
it makes me so lazy
loving the flavours
the bitter
the sweet
the meat…
not much cheese yet.
red wine, though
back with Leo
red wine…
writing is the pressure valve
shhhhh
listen
just let me tell you something
let me tell you about my fears and frustrations
let me tell you about my little loves
the good cookie from the shop
some boy who fell in love on the street
the joy of old friends
firm in our imperfections
seeing an old vehicle
knowing friends still love us
in our different ways
and different growths
feeling our desires
flying into and through our fantasies
i had a dream i remembered
yesterday morning
got caught shoplifting!
made to work in a resturant/prision camp
(?)
after the first few days they let me walk out from the barracks and mimick with the people
meander?
mingle
yes
because i had good social skills
everyone instantly liked me
a good confidence trickster
and most of the other prisoners there were famous in some way
it was a small town like Mendocino here
or WoodStock
abandoned by anything useful
over to tourism towards good food and a new age ambiance
the woman who ran the place was like Mrs Madrigal
and knew me back to front just from the way i presented myself
she gave me lee-way
but kept her leash tight
here i am with the beautiful people
the intelligent people
the creative and dashing
slaves to those who know
how to just enjoy life.