Month: February 2004

days measured out in time with friends…
the day after my time with my friend in the forest
was a complete cloud
rain pouring down all day
it was really hard to get out of bed
and really hard to get out of the house
eventually
from frustration with myself
i decided to call chad’s friend Donald
whom i wanted to meet
but had forgotten in all my confoundment
he was just waking up
at about 5pm…
fair enough
it never looked like Day anyway…
so i procrastinated and took way too long
and then went out in the rain
and made my way there
it was great
like stepping back into that world of the kids…
as i described in my first day on IlhaBela
just a wonderful feeling of being with kindred
as i guess i was finding gay culture to be just too depressing …
conversation turned into something about food
and we decided i would cook
so i made some pasta and beef and blend of vegies and tomato sauce…
and a friend of his came over
and we all stayed up talking til at least four
that’s when i crashed
they probably talked longer…
he’s a writer, and i look forward to reading more of his stuff
when i get a good link for him, i will post it
in the mean time
check out this
http://www.zuvuya.net/
he’s lived round here in Rio for about 15 months
various jobs
various experiences
a little more mature than i
i was really admiring his style
as far as getting a great apartment and living in one place for a period of time… just to have the experience he needed to open to parts of himself…
we resonated strongly on some love and sex patterns
though he is hetero . . . ( i wouldn’t call him straight)
i woke the next day round noon ( i guess it was the day that the time changed? i don’t know when this happened.. it always confuses me )
and decided to meet the same guy i met my second day here to have some one-on-one play with him
meet at the beach, yeah? they maybe back to the apartment…
but i had to stop by the apartment first to get my swimming suit…
and he was already there!
having sex with Mario’s other guest…
(shakes head)
Rememeber: never rely on a man who is cheating on his spouse anyway
tsk tsk tsk
so i just went to lay in the sun and swim
which was great
and amazing
some of the waves nearly ripped me to pieces
i had to get out of the water at one point because i was getting repeatedly bowled under and driven into the sand..
feeling a little frustrated still
did some shopping
(which consisted of insane cramed aisles, a million frustrated people and long tedious lines… rush hour, i guess)
fell in love with the Nina Simone song “22nd Century”
and then made my way back to Donald’s (getting lost many times, OOPS)
the night was wonderful
as we were with a brazilian female friend of his who is moving to NYC soon
and she will fit there SO perfect
she and i got on great
.. she’d spend about 6 years of her young life in Ohio!
and never done Any drugs
and her parents own a big chain of health food stores here . . .
she’s a medical doctor for skin . . .
but has had psychic surgery here brazil
really cool, grounded, but very open and strong
we all went out for sushi
and when we got back Donald’s girlfriend was asleep on the bed (he had been awaiting her two days..) so we left them in peace and i came back to sleep to see my friend Huga again today..
we walked around the sleeping down town in the day time
often in cities i don’t need to DO anything
just enjoy the layout
architecture
and seeing the inhabitants running around doing things
today was similar
just drank lovely fruit juices
fresh squeezed sugar cane
walked down packed narrow streets of markets
with streamers of flags overhead
a million closed shops
then to the oldest Bank building in Rio
which is used as free art museum
which was odd
and one whole floor was Keith Harring and Andy Warhol polaroids…
it made me feel very Camp
and clandestine
as Hugo was reticent to kiss me on the streets
explaining we might get killed
(he had been mugged down here a month ago when he thought he was cruising)
but i felt it worth the risk
went into a long diatribe about being friends with death
and when death came to claim me
i would be at peace with it
then started talking about the nature of killing people
in the favelas here (the ghettos)
people kill eachother all the time as a common practice
simple
which i think is pretty balanced
in a place where life is concieved with as little thought
as it is then
ended
but to be tourist in that micro culture
if you were walking with a friend whos life was being threatened
would you kill the threat?
i did tae kwon do for three years when i was a kid
and he taught us simple ways to kill people right away
explaining
“if you are confident and aware of your power, it is rare that you will ever have to use it”
which i find to be true
people hardly ever bother me
coz if i feel threated
i wear an aura that says “fuck with me and you die”
which is unbelieveable for people who know me as being soft and loving
but it is certainly a part of me
never seen
but i believe it.
he told me this is a bad thing to say to someone right before they take you to a motel…
but the day was beautiful
and after last week being so filled with rain
i could not acquiess to being Inside…
and he didn’t want to keep walking
was afraid of the whole area
which i found depressing
( i mean, i had been filled with joy walking around with him
and we went into a shop to get a bottle of water
and everyone looked SO sad and miserable that i realized my happy smiling face would get me into trouble– everyone was looking — so i dimmed everything and dropped my face into the same misery they were all wearing to blend in… it felt TERRIBLE, but neccessary)
all of this percipitated me having to put my foot down.
this morning i decided not to masturbate til at least the new moon (about three weeks from now)
i feel i have been wasting my energy and it is making me feel bad
“so STOP hurting yourself, dork! and COMMIT TO IT!”
so that extended to more than one area
i broke out into a long explination
and he understood
(this kid is great, i love him)
so we started walking
and found the floats (translated as the “alegory cars”)
for the Champions Parade… the last parade of Carnival
the winners of all the Samba schools
this brought up my desires to actually SEE some of the Carnival
not only as a pice of culture
but because i feel all the dirtiness, fear, trash and dilapidation in these cites are from such a lack of love
(he explains ” we’re just poor” which hurt my heart)
and the carnival is something they REALLY LOVE
(at this point both of us are so raw that just saying this makes us smile and almost brings us to tears)
we look at all the floats..
sit down and talk
play games with the little ghetto youth who are on some sort of fume inhalent drugs and filled with scars
i give them a little change and insist they share
as friends…
they tell me they are NOT friends.
Ok.
night falls
and we walk over to where all the festivities are happening
i have not had any alcohol for about a month now
and my friend follows very similar guide-lines that i do
that is
he only really takes any inebriations of any kind
if he is sharing them with a friend
and because i have not been drinking
(for João de Deus)
he didn’t either
and i find it so funny to be around large groups of drunk people when sober…
i was enjoying it all
from a tourist perspective
streets packed with people
food vendors
music
costumes
til my friend all of a sudden opens up with all this stuff he hadn’t told me about his dad
and his own feelings about sex and . . .
it was so strange
that feeling that reality suddenly snaps into focus
he was in the middle of his story when i had to stop him
we were surrounded by tons of people
noise
lights
i had to get out of there
we wandered around a bit
he said ” i thought you wanted to stay and see the parade? ”
i told him
‘ i have to fake it to care.. i just like seeing how different people live.. i have lost the desire now, there are more important things to do.. my desire was completely anthropological.. but my passion is for this…”
we then decided on going to the hotel
and though it started sexy
i reminded him to get back to the story
and then expressed myself in turn
it felt like i was on drugs
the back-ground colours and patterns shifting and wavering…
but just being honest and direct
then we had some nice cuddly, but passionate, sex
not fucking
but it was heart-opening
and for the first time in a while
i felt loving
and i was so greatful
i said ” i love you ” a few times
and it just seemed to make reality gel.
he wants me to stay here
and i understand that…
and that friend of Donald could possible get me a job
but i am over-poweringly being called back to america
i think i will return in a few weeks..
which is funny
because yesterday i was almost sure i was going to Costa Rica for the rainbow gathering
doors opened up
guy said “oh, you look hot, why don’t you come here and help me on my horse farm.. and maybe we’d like to have sex too”
and another offered his house to crash
both americans living there
and bridget is there now
i am sure i would find her…
but i don’t know
as i always say
the future will tell the tale…
a few days ago, even
i thought i would be going to Salvador
a smaller, older, poorer city north of here
i had two contacts that had said they wanted to meet me
so i wrote them and asked them if i could stay with them
but both of them replied that they lived with their mothers (though they were in their 50’s.. like in italy, you know…)
so i nixed that…
and though i would love to head south and see the Iguazu falls..
i actually feel it would be better to do with a travelling companion
seeing beautiful things in the world alone just isn’t so great.
love is so much more when it is shared.
so
a few more days in brazil
and then?
i feel i will be back on the mountain top with Leo by april
but who am i to know the future?

i often feel that what is really important
what i really mean to say
isn’t being said
i never get around to typing it
through all the bullshit i am confused in
i wanted to write a long piece about how i once discovered that i would stop writing because it made me sad
that i wrote myself stupid scenarios
that i would never say to a real person
coz they would be bored out of their minds
so i had a little box to put all my sorrows in
that i would carry around
and read from time to time
(now on display for you)
then i remembered that at that time
i didn’t understand
that i was writing to myself in my secret dialogue
pandering to my weakest and darkest feeling
since then i do my best to balance the feelings expressed
how important it is to be with the darkness
and the light
— we forget things —
Journal, so right
i went out to the forest yesterday with a friend
and we sang songs together
he told me he had read about himself in my journal
i wondered what i said…
‘did i talk about you dancing?’
“you mentioned me as the boy who likes to kiss while he’s dancing”
‘but did i talk about you with your arms over your head?’
“no, i don’t thinks so…”
he danced
that night
with his arms over his head
his fists together
a big smile on his face
like he was holding up the sky
or shaking his booty with the mountains
and pretending to be a tree
i can’t describe how happy it made me to see
and we kissed a lot too
through all the sweat
and disco beats
‘did i say anything about how you said you wanted it always to be shocking?’
“i don’t remember”
he talked about
oh yes, i remember now, i did write about this already..
so
we were in the forest
and we were out there to walk in the trees
i talked about it
and we were out there to fulfil the pleasure of having sex in the forest
(people walking by, us hiding in the bushes)
(hiding? kinda…)
we found a spot that was gaurded by Sacred Trash
that is,
one of the folk religeons here worships out in nature
at the rivers and waterfalls
they do nice little rituals
the unfortunate side effect of these rituals
is they leave trash in the spirit for the spirits (or something)
bowls of water (gaurding the path we took)
boxes of matches, opened..
in spaces where the fallen leaves were cleared away
flower arrangements
melted candles everywhere…
very nice
we both agreed that nature would probably prefer not to be cluttered with these things though
still, sacred sex in a sacred spot
but i have to admit
i was having trouble
(ohhh, public forum)
he insisted on using condomns
and surrounded by all those trees
it just made me feel bad
condomns make me feel bad anywhere
part of my mission includes
when i have sex with someone and they require condomns
i usually remind them
that if they don’t feel comfortable about something, they shouldn’t do it
and that sex is so many more things than fucking
especially out in nature like that
i got to feeling very scared and worried and annoyed
and eventually found it even difficult to kiss or be cuddly
–everything is bringing up insecurities
we left the forest as night was falling
and went into a mall
to get some chocolate
(brazil has amazing fruit… hard as hell to find good chocolate.. by my taste, i have found none yet.)
instead, he introduced me to some local cuisine
little sweet balls of caramel that almost tasted like butterscotch covered with little chocolate sprinkles
and then some fast food…
(laughs)
we then went to a movie
COLD MOUNTAIN
not that i knew anything about it
nor had any interest in it
but mainly that it had Nicole Kidman in it
and i had just seen her in DOGVILLE and been very affected by it.
so
it’s a love story, takes place during the american “Civil War”
blah blah blah
lots of death, terror, torture
the film kinda bothered me in that it relied on SO many Clichés…
but then i remembered why people use clichés…
they are logically the quickest way to get the emotion across
and it made me feel better thinking of Eli’s scripts i’ve read
which have all bothered me for the same reason
but i think now he is just trying to use the tools of his trade as best he can
where i feel it should all be done with strange new confusing clichés… that won’t win me any awards, will it?
stesachoros against homer..
anyway
point is
the story kinda culminates with this message
(anagalous to DOGVILLE, but different)
“the world is filled with terror. love something. and keep living”
bringing in the whole idea of “love” again
where as dogville was more about compassion..
BUT: Purification. and keep on living.
and keep on living.
always a mystery to me why
but on we go and on we go
buying in stories and ….
ugh
anyway
here i am in Rio
and it is dark and grey and rainy
feeling like a fool for not being able to speak any portugese
feeling alien
not wanting to be at this house anymore
not wanting to really be anywhere
both of those movies i just mentioned made me not want to have sex for a long time
(one because of the rape aspect of it, the other because of the real sacredness of keeping it just for love… a concept that is alien to me… but in my romantic ideals… which i hardly ever acess..)
watching movies must be a safe space for me to feel
always has been
and my heart opens up
and
i almost always come out of films overwhelmed by pain and sadness
until enough conversation has put my brain back in the driver’s seat and stifled it til next time
but i really want to deal with it.
so what does that entail?
do throw in the hat?
once again: confusion.
severe unhappiness on levels i won’t even go into
but the fact that i don’t feel i can be loving in situations where beautiful loving people are offering me love
is always frustrating
coupled with re-curring examples of past-manifestations of bad sex and akward situations
i feel like running and hiding
but
of course
there is no where to hide
and i don’t know what to do to clear this muck out of my mind and heart so i can start creating a bright new future…
Hugo and i discussed it at the buss-stop
(my understanding of) his idea
that the world is not to be saved or even helped
but that it is in preparation for the next world
a better world
a type of honing
before stepping into that place…
i just read a discussion topic on Dogville
and it made me feel, yet again, moraly abject
how is it that i lack these simple virtues that i percieve most other humans as having?
a base moral understanding…
a working connection with Emotions (well, that is actually quite rare, but i feel it shouldn’t be)
i want to be a benevolent god
(laughs)
i want other people to come into my life with love and friendship
as i want to visit theirs in the same
but hey
it is good to want things
i guess i am going to get back to trying to figure out where my next food goes
…d

oh, i feel like it has been too long since i have written
and now i am SO TIRED
but i will tatter out some words anyway
there has been so much to say…
first:
You can force it but it will not come
You can taste it but it will not form
You can crush it but it’s always here
You can crush it but it’s always near
Chasing you home
saying
Everything is
broken
Everyone is
broken
You can force it but it will stay stone
You can crush it as dry as a bone
You can walk it home straight from school
You can kiss it, you can break all the rules
All of the rules
But still
Everything is
broken
Everyone is
broken
Everyone is
everyone is
broken
Everyone is,
everything is
broken
Why can’t you forget it?
Why can’t you forget it?
Why can’t you forget it?
(radiohead “planet telex”)
i am staying in this apartment
and everything is broken
the sink is falling in
so that it is tilted
and water puddles…
the front door
all the screws are loose on the nob-panel (??)
and the nob is always pulling out…
all the dresser drawers look like they are made of sawdust
and probably don’t have any tracks left to have fallen off of…
there aren’t Bedets here (did i spell that right? you know the toilet-type things that europeans have that you can sit on that spray water at your butt…, i have seen them elsewhere in brazil, but not in the apartments here) but they have spray-hoses next to the toilets
this one here is leaky
and water pours down onto the floor…
the towels have gone all moldy-smelling from all the dampness…
not that i am complaining
but i have tried to fix ALL OF THESE THINGS
and cannot.
period.
guess you just have to learn to accept sometimes
why can’t i forget it?
i have been sleeping in.
as before. i have been focusing on sleeping a lot.
i wake up and play with the computer
i do yoga.
i rest.
i go out after 2 or 3
because i am so white
and the sun is strong
but today
after 3
the clouds formed a thick goo in the sky
and the rain came down with gusto
still, tonight was my night to go out
i haven’t gone out at all at night yet
so, carnival
tonight!
bear contro
dance party
ran into everyone there i thought i would maybe see…
let’s back-track a little, honey.
i went out to Barra de Tijuca on . . . satyrday?
no, friday.
saw the film DOGVILLE.
have you heard of this yet?
new film by Lars von Trier and his ZENTROPA crew..
great film
really makes one use their imagination
however
it left me the same way FIGHT CLUB did
>> i love the world, but perhaps the best thing for it is Mass Genocide <<
a quote
"perhaps their Best is just not good enough"
now, don't go thinking it is depressing
it is brilliant
and yeah… SAD
i don't think sad things are depressing
just Sad…
they are only depressing if you tend to STUFF all your sadness
(and, believe me, i know how that goes)
if anyone can give me encouraging words
i have lost my faith
i used to believe everything would be OK
now i find myself saying to people
" well, yes… i EXPECT everyone to be dysfunctional. scared. abusive. confused and slightly manipulative. it's just how the world is. still shocking and painful.. but i expect it now"
unfortuneately
i know that the world is
oh, rather
my world is a reflection of my life is a reflection of me
but i cannot blame myself entirely
there is no blame
just notice
aknowlege
going through this great experience…
DOGVILLE, right
so that left me feeling odd
mainly
that i didn't want to have sex again
see, i often put myself out there…
what's the term…
sacrificial lamb…
be as honest as i can… vulnerable, trusting.
i get eaten. i get abused. i get fucked with.
my energy isn't perfect or clear… so it is my own snags comming through
but this movie has so much of that
Grace… being so compassionate and forgiving… extrememely..
and just getting FUCKED all the time
Ah-hem.
so i left it just feeling like that was what sex had been like for far to long
and i just needed to STOP
i went home with the kid i watched it with
feeling all off balance
eating chocolate and Pavé, a desert he had made of meraigne and biscuits
and decided i wanted to see CITY OF GOD
so we got it from blockbuster!
"city of god" is a movie about a ghetto of Rio de Janeiro
it is up for all sorts of awards right now
we rented it on DVD so i could watch it with english subtitles
and it made me feel much happier
the narrator was someone who just couldn't be what was all around him
yet that's what he was
it was a grew show of internal twisting of the self
and a blossoming that came out of that
like the most repressed, crumpled, twisted budd blooming into a gorgeous flower
yeah, Phew
but i couldn't have sex with my friend that night.
OK
the next morning, porn and daddy bears on the cam on the computer was still fine, of course
it didn't have that immediate reality to it
ugh.
then i went to meet this really sweet guy who i met on line
Leo[n]…
we walked around
swam in the ocean
spent a few hours in bed together
and talked A LOT
i slept a lot afterwards
the city was cheering around me…
i've been having nice dreams
sleeping a lot…
or, not really, it just feels like it..
waking up with perhaps enough time to go to the beach
sit and talk with Ed from Ohio/London
feeling a strange pull
and sadness
oh, dominic with his always sadness
and his dumb-god dramatics
we seperate, Ed walks off with is here-boyfriend to their hotel and dance club
and the sky pours down rain
for dominic to walk home in
(which is fine, really, it was a warm rain, and i only had on red-stripped (verticle) speedos and my towel)
right now it will probably be 5am before i drift off…
the rain is comming down again
such a lovely sound
and i have been dancing for a few hours
with the same Leo[n]
who realy likes to dance
and kiss at the same time
and everyone kept saying
"well, what about your boyfriend…"
it feels good to be so cuddly with someone even on a dancefloor
and so many cute guys
all ages, shapes and sizes
this guy and girl
both with really long hair
swinging it all around
both taking turns running their hands over the body of this beautyful black boy
who i then did the same with
and then kissing Leon again..
(laughs)
and meeting the few others that i really wanted to meet here in Rio…
ahh
and the rain is falling
sounds like all around me
and the soft sound of Caetano Veloso singing "Cucurrucucu Paloma" . . .
thinking of my loving friend far away in california
in a veritable paradise i am terrified of
i lay in the dark last night thinking of what i will do
and how to fit my star-shaped peg into so many squre holes..
pin ball bouncing around
up to the north east of brazil?
all the way down to Montevideo, then Buenos Aries…
Hey, could anyone please look through their copy of "AutoBiography of Red" and type out for me Geryon's postcards?
what should i do?
just go to Iguaçú falls and then back to abadiânia and then get the hell out of here?
should i run quick?
back to america, skip NYC even and just hide under the trees?
should i push myself off on an iceburg?
just to let you all know
i am not panicking all the time
but i am lost
the song shifted to this one
i will leave you with this for the night:
"CARAVAN"(blur)
Caravan's lost
In the sun and the dust
No-one loves you
When you are lost
yeah I'm a clown
pulling my world down
I believed I was strong
but you are the song
and when it comes you'll feel the weight of it
the weight of it
The day will come when you get away from it
away from it
sometimes everything is easy
sometimes everything is easy
I tried to quit
But my heart won't buy it
I have got family
The caravan comes back for me
And when it comes you'll feel the weight of it,
The weight of it
And the day will come when you get away from it
Away from it
Sometimes everything is easy
Sometimes everything is easy
La la la la la la la
La la la la la la la la
La la la la la

still, i keep secrets from you
though i tell you no lies
(well, anymore than the world…)
we all have secrets here…
the TV babbles in the next room
we watch the TV LOUD here
two on the couch..
You remember the story i told of nearly two weeks ago
in São Paulo
( alright, say the word “noun”
listen. Say the word “noun” and notice the buzzing up in your nose.
now, cut off both the Ns and say it the same
that is the sound of “ão” )
of breaking my vowes to myself.
i decided to meet up with some guy
mwa mwa mwa
and he didn’t show up
did i tell you he told me to meet him at the Sé stop down town?
it’s a metro with a very large public toilet…
that is very busy
i was angry at him
because he insisted i meet him there
and he was about an hour away
and we had talked an hour before we were to meet
i was late
but he was not there at all.
the world is whipping me into shape.
it got back to the house tonight
went to open the door
and Mario opened it for me from the inside
sitting on the couch was another man
the TV was Porn.
little banter
i know what i will do
i know both of these men as i almost know anyone
(“even you”)
the fantasy porn scene ensues on the bed
we are to meet M’s friend to have dinner with him and his lover
they call after we all wash up and L leaves
so M and i go downstairs
and who is the Lover?
but the very same one who flaked out on me
when we had talked later, after he told me he flaked on me
“family trouble”
he asked me if i would meet him again tomorrow
“not like that, no”
so here he was
and i did a VERY good job of not letting anyone know that i recognized him
i am a professional actor, you know
i have been on stages around the world
he looked like an animal caught in the headlights
we all have secrets…
i tugged his shirt and made a little “tick” noise in his ear
all very benign
but he seemed so quiet at dinner
and i kept laughing to myself
it’s fun to be a gringo
and have an excuse not to explain myself all the time
——-
many years ago…
the first time I fucked up my heart over a man sexually
he was a born again baptist
AND my teacher
i was 14 and he was 31
it was all
secrets and Lies.
but the kind of lies we tell our selves to make others believe things…
the experience left me so traumatized
that i began to obsessivly tell everyone everything
so that i would never have a secret
i often told people
that
when i came out of the closet
i blew it up.
can you tell?
i am not on the island anymore
today i am in Rio.
i am not proud of how i got here
but damnit, i am practicing my will.
i woke, bleary
João and Lua and i all chatted a bit about things
we decided we would go to the beach
rather, that is what they would do
and i was so red from the day before
i told them i would have to sit in the shade
i asked him if he would take me to a waterfall
communication had broken down so much that i would often ask him things
and he just wouldn’t respond
and his girlfriend would just speak to me in spanish (or portuguese?) without even attempting to speak english.
after breakfast, which was very nice
they went off to do things
i prepared to go
but they were still doing things
so i meditated
and they were still doing things
so i started reading the book
they were gone when the chapter was finished
never came to fetch me.
So, Ok.
I guess i Won’t be going with you to the beach today.
i flipped a coin
the coin thought i was absurd for asking it
so it landed on it’s side in the cushions of the couch
twice
but the third time
acquieced and said “GO”
so i packed my bags
wrote a note
and walked out the door.
it was a long circuitous buss ride
the world was not going to make this one easy
lack of integrity that i was displaying…
João was enamoured with his girlfriend
but he had also been extorting money out of me
or, rather, i was letting him
he was also abusing his mother’s trust in the face of me
and making many diminuitive jokes at his girlfriend’s expense
now, i have done all of these
and, in fact, felt i was doing the former at the same time
just using him
i mean, we weren’t hanging out anymore
and when we were we weren’t talking
was it because i said i didn’t like Bob Marley?
was it because i wasn’t singing the Rainbow songs along with him?
i don’t know
but it is endemic in my life
lack of graditude
and abuse
however
it is an american trait
however, it is very human
and he was doing it too
and neither of us liked the way it felt
so we withdrew into solitude
this was ugly
why perpetuate it?
but i was not in the mood to wait around for them to get back
so one bus
then the other
then the other
then at the sation in São Sebastiâo
to find that the bus to Rio de Janeiro only left at 22hrs
and cost 49,00R$
FUCK that
i caught a local buss to Caraguatuba
and then another to São José dos Campos
where one of the people i met in Abadiânia had given me a number
but i wasn’t in the mood
i wanted to be with a gay man
laying naked
NOW.
so i called Mario in Rio, he had said i could stay with him
he said SURE
and i got on the bus
to Rio.
the whole ride was prayer
listening to
Savath & Savalas
Hildegard von Bingan
and
“Jesus blood never failed me Yet” by Gavin Byars
i got to Rio
thinking i was an hour late
but i wasn’t.
i was right on time.
and Mario was there with a friend to pick me up
(the same friend, yes)
Mario felt good to touch
that smooth dark dissipating warmth
Yin?
he looks like a monkey
it is all about animals
i gave him a bit of a massage
and we cuddled to sleep together
then…
in the morning
it was more playing around
tangling sheets
and then he was off to work
i got on the computer to get my fix…
emails and bear sites and chatter
i decided not to go out til after the strongest heat of the sun…
15hrs would be OK
and made a plan to meet a nice boy i had been talking with on line
who made lots of references to Stephen Sondheim and looked sexy in the way i liked
in my obsessive way
i was late
he was not there
but that is because
we ” were not good with the plans because no one could have planned it like that
(the same, you might say, is true of history)” [steven jesse bernstein]
lost from eachother for at least an hour
probably more
we both got a bit burned by the sun
and i ate a green coconut
the men here cut them with such expertese it approaches miraculous tedium
people selling, or trying to, everything
trays of shrip… raw? on skewers…
thick british boys…
a million tourists…
Gringos…
i am staying just a block from Copacabana beach
i walked on the beach to the far end..
watching all the people playing volleyball
laying crowded together
– i often notice that
no matter how attractive a man is
i don’t find anyone sexy in huge crowds like this
(but for maybe in a situation like NYC where everywhere is always crowded all the time to such a degree that no matter where you are or what you are doing you are ALONE and if you ever notice anyone else and pay them any attention what-so-ever
they are alone with you in that same little bubble…)
i walked towards Impanema
trying to call Osmar on his cell phone
but no good…
well, i found him eventually
and we walked back towards eachother
on that walk
instilled with some sort of silly pride
i caught the eyes of many men
one was sitting with a woman
but his look was so open and friendly
it brought warmth up my spine
and a huge grin on my face i could do nothing but wear
i turned back to see him a few times
laughing to myself
and just a few meters later
passed on the same feeling, i am sure, to a rather corpulent fellow sitting with his little friend
*BLUSH*
Osmar is such a sweet boy
a little bit taller than me
and about four times as large
with the voice of a velvetine rabbit
we walked back towards Impanema
and climed some rocks at a place known as
Arpoadar
he explained to me that, over there, people fuck in the bushes at night…
we were honest with eachother as old friends are
(everyone and i are old friends)
we talked about our parents
the obvious traights of Gemini’s with their sun’s in the Sagitarius house
the obvious traights of people with Saggitarius rising
the comfortable and cuddly touch of a father
being uncomfortable because you cannot touch his cock
cigarettes
pictures
sunsets
my god
it is beautiful here
but my belly was rumbling
and now i think it was just intuition telling me to fucking MOVE
but at the time i thought it was hunger or sickness
we left and started walking
walking walking walking
he decided he was going to show me the gay section on the Impenema beach
and then take me to a gay place to get some food in the gay area of town
(though not so gay, really)
walking on the sidewalk
beautiful setting sun
smatterings of rain
a beautiful muscular pepper-haired man walks past me and we lock eyes in a comfortable but intense way
i turn my head to glance at him and he at me
and i stop in my tracks and shift my weight backwards
and approach him
“oh my god, Ed, what are you doing here?”
last year..
NO
Two years ago
in london
just before i left
when i had all of my energy being drained
i met him in a bar
but was possessed
so could only have simple interractions
though the attraction was strong
from both of us
and in a unique way
i am not really generally into muscle daddies
and he is not generally into hippies
(and their of us are those)
but there was something
when i found myself marooned back in the USA
we wrote emails to eachother expressing our desires
in vague/specific terms
*have you ever been in love with me?*
he had just arrived a few days ago with a brazilian friend of his from London
they are not a couple, but are together while he is here
now he is possessed, in that temporary way
and we were both buzzing all over at eachother
our hug was long and deep
and we left plans open as to when we would see eachother again
the whole weight of my not returning to europe last year fell on me with a THUD
and dragged me down in the mud
“well, i’m sorry that i cannot get to you
stuck in my 50 pound lead boots
stuck in my Deep Sea Diving suit” (stephen merrit)
now my stomach hurt more fiercely
but this time it was definately ill
and i wanted to eat nothing
moments later
while Osmar and i were talking
and singing to eachother
i imagined us as perfect lovers
and how i would live with him so long
and this boy would have restored my zest and pleasure in life…
As we sat on the rocks at Arpaudor
i stared at his dark skin
dark hair
everywhere
thick thick hands
with too many picean lines to be a sagitarius’s hands
feeling their meaty weight
listening to his child-like voice
with too much understanding and depth than what he wished
he said ” i am very vein ” sitting there like that
a simple prop
a little lie to try and distract from the heart and soul of the matter
i told him he was not a Bear, but a Gorrilla
and how the only other Gorrilla i have loved was a Robert in the south…
who also was made of a different PH balance than i
i notice Osmar’s glasses being eaten away by his sweat
just like the other gorrillas’ had…
m
m
m
back on the street
i was humming Tori’s “cruicify” to myself over and over
with the occasional bursting out of morrissey songs
he took me to the most perfect healthfood store
i love Rio.
it is like NYC but on the beach.
with cleaner air
and oodles of danger
the favelas lining the hills
so beautiful and deadly
but a testament to anarchy
freedom
and a type of honesty that is rare
Osmar and i walked quite a while
i wanted to see the city
which was so much more together than São Paulo
who was a city who looked like it had once been glorius and was now just in 3rd world ruin
Rio looks like any modern city in Europe or USA
but with some class, asthetic
and… Brazil.
when i got back to the apartment…
When L had left and M was showing me picture of the men he had comming to stay
the first one, to arrive in a few days, is from london
a man that i had met at the end of 2002 in Cologne at the bear gathering there
who i had had very strong honest clear sex with in the sauna
maybe i will be sticking around here for a while
it feels very good to me
and
obviously
i am in the right place
as life is comming at me from all sides
see You soon.

i had the ideal tropical island experience today
since João’s girl friend got here
i haven’t seen him much
which is par for the course, of course of course
but last night the three of us, plus an argentinian friend of Lua (J’s GF) named Gabriela, sat around talking for a few hours
which was only minimally interesting for me
as Gabriela was hitting on me all the time
and could only speak spanish and portuguese
Lua is the same
so i am sitting there feeling like a dumb american
often laughing to myself
and then needing to explain to them…
eventually i got tired of it
and went to sleep
these experiences here
combined with the book i am reading
is really making me think about Solitude a lot…
how.. i am not really enjoying myself, i just want to be alone
so imagine sitting on the mountain top reading book after book
(i wish i could be that simple)
the last chapter i read was so startling
about the eldest mother going blind and learning about her other senses
never letting anyone know she had gone blind
(for, if they they knew, they would think her useless)
and one of the eldest sons
who had hardened his heart so hard against his memories
that when he finally felt a moment of tenderness and tried to open up to it
it killed him…
… i am frustrated by this solitude i feel
that i have almost always felt
that abstracts me from those around me
but i feel to give into it would be a big mistake…
… still… in part.. it is who i am…
so, this morning i woke up
to the three of them running around in a rush
all talking at me in spanish and portugese
and then they left
i wandered around for a while
we’ve been getting going after noon the last few days
so today i figured it was about the same
i did some yoga, read a chapter of the book
had some Açai
and then took off to the Vila to catch a bus to the top of the island..
when i finally arrived at the Vila
(it was a longer walk than what i thought, probably about 4kms)
i saw a clock that said it was 10:22!
SHIT
i must have got up REALLY EARLY
and the temperature was all ready 33c
the last few days have been kinda cloudy
today was blindingly clear
eventually i got the bus
and went as far as it would take me
and then walked another 4kms…
now, a quick note about the architecture on this island
i have often noticed here that they respect nature in a very odd way
they build walls with holes in them for the trees to go through
likewise with huge boulders…
and in one of the houses i went in there were a few boulders built into the floor in the garage and patio outside…
it’s shocking and beautiful…
so, this beach i got to…
i was really burning badly in the sun at this point
so i got there and threw all my stuff on a rock
and jumped in the water
i could swim forever here
the water isn’t as bath-watery warm as it was in hawaii
but still Wonderful
i then took a walk up a visible trail…
it led to a Mango Grove!
so i got to feast on mangos all day
climb the tree, built like a house! all the way up high
there were many mango trees, many jack-fruit trees… many coconut trees
i got to throw coconuts and smash them on the rocks and then rip them open with my bare hands
feed them to the dogs…
the mangoes were being eaten by huge bees…
but they were friendly…
however, i also had my first experience of being bitten by ants with a sting that lingered, feeling like i was being bitten over and over and over, even when they were gone…
found some wild tomatoe plants and ate some…
and then there was another nightshade
all covered with thorns
looking very much like tomatoes
but different
would have killed me
hmmm
i was tired
so i lay down on a rock that had been baking in the sun all day
a huge black rock being beaten by the surf
big enough for three of me to lay on
when the shade covered it
it was still radiating heat
and i rolled on my belly and slept for a few hours there
dreaming to the lullabye of the waves…
when i woke i started playing with this little black dog that was watching me
he would curl up and sleep with me
then start biting me
in that playful-dog way
we walked up the path from the beach together and as we got to the road
he jumped out in front of a car that was comming
they didn’t hit him
he was a good dog
i said
“seeing that you’re stopped… could you give me a ride?”
they were from Finland and spoke english perfectly
smooth sailing all the way home…

So
i was sitting around last night
writing to myself
i was shocked
on my walk home
how i felt scared from looking at the dark ocean
how i have felt so frightened lately!
by everything..
i made a list…
and i was concerned
i told someone to look at my journal
and he seemed very angry at me for
“being so willing to be a victim”
— i never think of myself as a victim… consciously
and i detest hearing
oh no!
i listened to some music
there were songs in had in my download folder on my mp3 player that i still hadn’t heard
some of them i got when i typed in “daddy bear” into the search..
so this one came on by Bobby Bear called “daddy what if”
and i don’t know this guy…
so i just researched him
i guess he was some famous singer
and it’s Bare not Bear…
but the song i am talking about..
it was written by Shel Silverstein…
and i LOVE Shel
and i guess i knew so little about him
Wow
anyway…
the song is set up as if bobby were talking to his son, bobby bare jr, of course,
and they start singing together
and BBJ asks “daddy, what if..” about a few things,
this is the last verse:
BBJ: But, Daddy, what if I stopped loving you?
What would happen then?
BB: If you stopped loving me, then the grass would stop growing,
The sun would stop shining and the wind would stop blowing.
So you see, if you wanna keep this old world a’going,
You’d better start loving me again, again…
You better start loving me again.
You hear me, Bobby?
BOTH: You better start loving me again.
(You love me, Bobby? Yes)
You better start loving me again
—-
and i know
it’s really silly and sentimental
but
*blush*
pop music has always been my metatron…
but anyway..
the important bit was
with what i was writing about last night
and then hearing this song just at the right time
i remembered a very important lesson…
now i am going to put more pop lyrics in here from Bjork
and i love her dearly
and if you like her
or don’t know her
go out and buy this song (there was a single and it’s on the newest greatest hits thing)
or download it and hear it
it’s called
:: our hands
look no further
look no further
look no further
cruelest
almost
always to ourselves
it musn’t
get any better
off
it’s in our hands : it always was
it’s in our hands : in our hands
it’s all there : in our hands
it’s all there : in our hands
well
now
aren’t we scaring ourselves
unecessarily?
aren’t we trying too hard?
’cause it’s in our hands
it’s in our hands
it’s all here : it’s in our hands
look no further
look no further
it’s in our hands : it always was
it’s in our hands
——————-
that is
um
(laughs)
this is spirling in on me
i mean
i believed
once
as a scientist
that all of life is just chaos
then i discovered god
and replaced the thought with
Providence
and i often hear people who talk of making their own lives
materialists who believe in nothing other than this sack of bones and blood
and a nice car, of course
but the idea of MAKING my life always seems daunting and impossible
where do i start?
look no further: Right here.
yes yes, i figured this out a long time ago
why did i forget?
well, why do any of us forget?
it is so fucking hard
it is a fight against so many things…
if you fight in any direction
it is a fight against things, though…
last year was really depressing to me
i returned to america to a bunch of people dying
and… AMERICA being a fucking twat and killing a bunch of people, etc…
you were there, i am sure you know enough
it was depressing
i have been working for YEARS to help heal myself and everyone i meet
to bring love everywhere
and i got back to america and just felt like it was so fucking pointless
(europe before that, mind you)
and i watched “Fight Club” with Eli and it convinced me even further
reminding me of my teen-age feelings
“Fuck the world, DOWN IN FLAMES!”
somewhere in europe
i cut out my heart because it hurt too much
it’s been all downhill from there
mind mind mind
dumb dumb dumb
and there have been flickers, i will not deny…
but here i am
looking at the root of my problem
and the solution
and it is still totally daunting
and i wonder if i can do it in america…
if i can do it anywhere..
rebuild myself with Love
love others
love this world
love the fools and the fighters and the lovers…
i find this very difficult
but realize it is the only option
as i have been told this again and again
by so many people
so i have to write it down
so you will know it
so you can remind me
when i am forgetting again
i am so concerned with base decisions all the time
AH, what to do with the world?
throw it away or love it?
what is love?
what is breath?
base.
the dominic who was born with absolutely no idea how to live
live live live
i’m living
and i gotta remember i am doing just fine.
and i am very very very glad i got some help along the way.

this is funny
i just found this from an old friends site
i haven’t figured out to make links to other users pages
but it doesn’t look like he has been updating recently much anyway
his name is
cachondo
la luz y la oscuridad,
pintados en el cielo
y enterrados en suelo
para siempre,
hasta que se apague el sol,
hasta que la vida nos deje solos.
Somos preguntas sin solucion,
creados en el suenyo y
revelando los secretos
para siempre,
hasta que se calme el dolor,
hasta que la Nada transforme todo.
and now, the bad english translation from http://babelfish.altavista.com/
the light and the dark,
painted in the sky
and buried in ground
for always,
until the sun is extinguished,
until the life leaves us single.
We are questions without solution,
created in dreams and
divulging the secrets
for always,
until the pain calms,
until the Nothing transforms everything.
isn’t that just perfect?

Our Father
Who Art of Heaven
Hallowed Be
Thy Kingom’s Come (cum?)
Thy Will be Done
on Earth as it is in Heaven
Give us this day our daily Fruits
and for give us our Trespasses
as we forgive those
who tresspass against us
Lead us into Temptation, if it pleases you
but deliver us from evil
Amen.
So,
i came out to João
then we lay down to sleep
in the darkness
he asked for a massage
but not like “oh, my back hurts”
but
“come up here and touch me”
i had told him my pains about my Gay Issue
which upset me so much
how the people in the city seemed so full of angst
terror
anger
and not love
and not life
and yes, that is where love must be made most
but it wears me out…
i said
“i wish i could be with people like you who were gay”
and becareful what you wish for…
i started giving him a Breema-style massage
he on his back
me working his feet and legs
feeling the energy
i closed my eyes
into the sway of his body and flow…
i opened my eyes to the smell of his musk
rock hard
what could i do?
but this is not Sex
rather
this is not Love.
this is Service.
i am a Servant very often.
when i feel out of place
i serve.
i make food.
i give massage.
i serve the body and the heart
the mind and the One…
get myself out of the way
and be what else is asked of me
so i did not get to cuddle
be close and intimate and loving
just serve.
understaning my lesson
with its taste in my mouth
i slept well…
and was woken in the morning to Jacira at the door
in a rush!
inviting us to the her father’s boat.
Now, when i was hanging out at her house
i saw all her father’s stuff
crazy art work everywhere
and she said he slept on his boat most often
he loved it there
… i have this thing for Sailors…
so i told her i wanted to meet her Father.
we got to the boat
and of course
he is this bear
with sun and salt beaten face
beard
belly
big legs
gruff kind nature
i am in love!
ah.. the nature of father’s with their children.
no one speaks english much
i play around
the boat is sliding through the water
boat=barak?
sail=vela
sailing=velajure
he gives me his swimming trunks
(you know the thrill of feeling his clothes against your own skin, yes? knowing the same place that touched him touches you…)
i dove into the water and swam with glee in the beautiful blue
he calls out
“be careful for those Sharks!”
i look up at him with a start
and his face is open and smiling
and i know he is kidding
and i laugh and play
(as opposed to my own father, who always made me feel scared and angry at him for scaring me… i can tell he is doing this to get our attention… to make us aware of how everything is OK and there is nothing to fear…)
i watch him with his arm around his Daughter
and have i ever mentioned?
i am gay, you know, so i do not have a wife and children
but before i knew this
i wanted my wife and children to always sleep together
naked at home in our city apartment
nude bodies spooned snug and warm every night
and honey and i making love in the same bed with the babes…
so they would know love and tenderness and intimacy as i did not , alone in some dark crib
and when they were old enough and desired
they would know it was ok to join in
and we would all make love to eachother
as the family expanded…
when i see father’s with their children i always think there is something sexual about it..
always have…
and his arm around her
his other hand on his cock
see?
i become entranced…
he feels it
everyone always feels it
they just, sometimes, pretend not to
she is out playing on the mast now
an i am watching him
he touches himself, mid-flacid
i am swooning
i say
“Pai, como se sama?”
he says
“Pai means Father… my name is José”
“i know” i say
i know.
the boys
the babes
the sisters and brothers
… fathers.
Our Father…
when i was in the Current room the last week
i thought often about sex
working out sex
remembering sex
the prayer of sex
the duity of sex
of love.
my mother said
“when you have sex with all these men… do you think it is love?”
i stammered…
“sometimes…”
of course!
we need to love!
but we gotta put our hearts in it
i am scared of love…
in the current
i sat one day
listening…
i felt love
it washed through my body in heat
like loving hands smoothing everything
>>who are you?<<
— i am god —
who is god?
problem i have:
God to me is like the Great Spirit
like the Universe…
like Ma…
how do you say?
Binha…
The mother of the universe, more…
God does not have a personality
god just IS
everything is god
i am god
you are god
keyboard is god
and god is not vengeful
god just is
and god is not loving…
ugh.
when i was in amsterdam in 2002
i got my heart eaten out in those dark rooms
i met man after man
pleading for love
COME BACK TO MY HOUSE!
but they wouldn't
they were on vacations
their boy-friends waited
their husbands at home
it was porn
it was not real
it was wank
what the fuck?
i had my heart eaten….
i met a whitch, his name was Joe
he was in all black biker leathers…
he was a biker
with hair down the middle of his back
he was german
he was a witch
he said
" what the fuck do you think you're doing? "
i told him i was having trouble with god
"what?"
i am trying to create a god who is more perfect than i am…
i am a solopsist so often
life lives up to my integrity
and i break so often
i forget
i give myself away
i lose myself!
an do not fully know compassion and love
if i believed in a god who was perfect
who knew all
and was always loving
i could appeal to him for help when i need it
and actually TRUST that he could help me
but i only believe in the WHOLE of the universe
a play space where a dis-passionate god is us
all ov us
doing whatever we want
whenever we want
just to have an experience
nothing right, nothing wrong
good or bad
but in this silly human story we have created
that i always find so difficult to relate to
and just don't understand
and i don't believe in their gods
because they are just masks…
" you know it cannot be done… something lesser cannot create something greater "
and this is true…
and flowing in the current i looked to Jesus
Jesus is a Pagan god.
he was created as a face of God
a loving face
and all-forgiving, all-loving mouth of god
the body of god that was chaste and perfect of loving
but he is as much story as any other god
created from our collective dreams and desires
and those who fall back into the passion of these created gods
live the satellite existance of our collective desires
is this a bad thing?
of course not…
but there are some that would like to be gods in their own right
an old native american saying i got from Laughing Coyote:
"your life is a gift from great spirit… what you do with it is your gift back"
so you can be a god
you can make a world
you can rape the earth
you can have a boy and love him
or torture him
or ignore him
you can devour your fellow creatures
you can love
you can paint on the canvasses of the forgotten workers
telling the tales of the un-expressable woes you recieve through your own connection to our myriad illusions
why do i find the world to be such a torture chamber?
the world of man, i mean…
the world of the earth is beautiful to me
you eat what you want
eat the fruit
eat the beast
you get eaten when you get eaten.
you dance in the rain
you die in the snow
the animals…
ask the monglians, they will show you
they just wander on thier horses
sing little songs
eat and eat and eat and freeze and die and get born
get born again.
who is god?
and does he love me?
does god care?
sure: do i care?
god and me, we're great buddies
in the current
god whispers in my ear
"i love you"
and i kinda laugh
coz i can feel it
but i really don't understand it
(my friends hit me on the head, trying to get me out of there)
and who is this god
and how do i melt the hate in the world?
what i know of love, there in the current
i thought of not Our Father
but my own Pai
my papi
it hurts to write this now!
but that
from him
love is Poison.
he made me out of love?
he loves me?
it hurts
he hurts my mother and my sister and my brother and himself
so
he hides from this
he hides from his loves
HEY
it hurts
and the love that pours down from his
is one of control and hate
he hates his gay son
he hates himself
and he's dying because of it
hey, we're all dying of something
but when i try to love my dad
it kills me
when i love through this genetic line
this great story of the Sowinsky(i)s
it poisons me and who i am around
when i say
"i love you"
it means i will control you, dominate you and own you
and you will be mine
and i will throw scraps to you to keep you there at my feet
and i will whip you and tell you how bad you are
and my own anger and hate will eat me from the inside out
and i will say " i love you " and you will be a bleeding mess at my feet
as a die from a stroke or a heart attack.
what is that?
i was with my mother
i got angry at her for being with him
when she would pick up the phone to talk with him
her joy would dissapear
she would become so sad
so crushed
WHY DO THIS?
and what about this Hate..?
it is not love, it is hate
and i have always thought i was made of hate and love
and once i thought i was an anti-christ…
my brother told me so, my mother thought i worshiped satan
nine inch nails and the million anger rockers
how do we melt this hate?
how do we clearly label this hate?
say "you do not love me, you hate me. just own it. fuck off!"
but maybe there is a place in the world for hate…
does god love me or hate me?
he loves me!
he had given me the whole world to play in and enjoy!
why am i so hung up on my father hating me
when he does his best to love me
but hates himself
or his dad
or something
and can't get over it?
they tell me to leave him, make peace and forget it
but i cannot
i tried
and i don't want to
it is very american to run away from the past and start anew
but that is just bullshit
america is a mess because of that
and i don't agree with it
how do we love the hate?
i told Frank and Dave
whom i lived with in arizona,,, back in the days of '98
i told them
" we are all in this together, kid.
what you do to the least of my people you do to me
and i will never be happy and i will never be free until everyone on this planet has stopped suffering "
and more enlightened people have told me it is their choice to suffer
it is their deal
well fuck that
i am suffering too
and, tyrant that i am, i want to quit this suffering
and, therefore, need to quit theirs as well
or
i am 25
when i turn 30 will my feet grow closed?
will my head and heart shrink to contain only my own body?
will i be only my own self?
seperate from the rest
able to toss off my family
and the palestinians and the jews
and the people dying in their lonely rooms
and the hospital rooms
and the televisions
(laughs)
will i find an antidote for this poison?
i know that
if we all loved eachother
if GOD actually was a total state of Love
this world would not exist
i used to shout this at people with my anger
because of their joy in beer and football and bullying
i was stuck here to be their gimp!
no, i love being in the trees
i love being naked at the beach
in the forest
the hot springs
love eating the fruits from the branch
how come all you fools are taking this earth from me
when it is all i love and all i want?
if we were in a total state of love
nothing would exist
it takes this balance of love and hate
to create seperation
that stays together
in these modicum of interesting situations to play out
beauty
mosaic
UGH!
(laughs)
meanwhile
i am on a tropical island.
i spent a few hours meditating today
João's girlfriend arrived
and i left them to eachother
we had some breakfast together at about 2pm…
i meditated a while
rested, let my tired body rest and heal
read more of "One Hundred years of Solitude"
which i went back through and found things i had missed
what a strange world…
outside the door
there is love
inside the chest
there is love
my heart hurts here
outside
there is a beach!
there is a party going on
and the rain is falling down from leaf to leaf
getting together
having a party
they join
and everyone wants to
they come-a-running down the hillside
and become a stream
jump over rocks to bathe my sweaty body
and out into the ocean
i looked at João yesterday on the boat
"How do i say ' i want to jump into the ocean like a rain drop and become one with it'?"
he smiled.

asdf jklç
” ay, ess, dee, eff, space. jay, kay, el, ç, space ”
i am so glad i am here.
i arrived last night
João picked me up from the Ferry and took me to the top of a mountain.
a place he has been comming to for three years
was once a trail leading up there
then a horse trail
then a dirt road
now paved, with many houses being built
we hung out on one of them
up at the top
unfinished
the roof on
but open rafters for the deck
we dragged some boards over the spaces
sat down
and he smoked a joint
( i am abstaining, you see.. out of respect for my healing from the entities)
but this boy… this João…
he is also a João de Deus…
he is the kind of kid i like to be with
he gets stoned and does yoga!
Like i do!
he took off his shoes and began balancing on the 2″ boards
walking over the long-dark fall
in such a playful way
i found i couldn’t do it!
i couldn’t ground, relax, feel the board under my feet and walk it.
i was scared!
WHOA! i’m getting old…
but i realized it was mainly all the SHIT i had in my pockets
so i took my pants off
and then tried
worked much better
we both did yoga in the bask of the town lights… the stars… the beautiful view of the channel between the island and the mainland
over a long drop down a hill
on little boards…
a real test of courage
i was bashful about being naked
i decided he could handle it
it was fine.
went back to his place
set up my bed
took a cold shower… DOUCHE!
i mean, a huge gush of cold water…
something about all the sun i have been getting
no water seems that cold right now..
just exhilerating.
he invited me out with his argentinian friends
out drinking
so i declined
not just because i am off alcohol right now
but because i was really tired.
i slept well.
really well
woke in the morning and did yoga in bed for an hour or so
then started practicing portugese from the little Phrasebook i was given by Fred…
when João woke
we went out for a walk
to get some Açai…
little did i know it was so far…
and it turns out João DOES know Paula and Mauricio, whom i stayed with last time i was here
it turns out João knows at least half the people who live on this island.
we went to the same waterfall that Mauricio took me to when i was last here
but we went very differently:
João jumps from rock to rock
and i would say
“like i do”
but just SO MUCH MORE
so fast, and huge jumps
the american in me
the virgo
the voice of my mother
all telling me i am going to slip and fall and crack my head open
and there is this boy in front of me
just doing it
i leap after him
and am shocked
there are a few times where i have to stop
and wonder how the hell i can jump that
he just acts like he could help
but there is no helping
i just do it
and it’s fine.
he slips and falls
it’s fine
it happens.
and he took me to the same place
he calls it “the witches pool”
but we didn’t stop there
we went past it
to a higher cachoeira
where the water was falling much faster and harder
and he showed me that there was a hole underneath it
jumped in and got rolled around in that water
massaged clean by it’s gruff loving fingers
then we flew back down the mountain
and he kept singing me Bob Marley songs
and i usually HATE bob marley
but hearing it from him i just loved it
i just love everything
and Bob’s lyrics, from João, were lovely
were just OF COURSE
and better than the things i was thinking about…
we met up with some of his friends
i had met this guy’s dog
a white Mikita (Kari, if you ever want to get me a dog, get me one of these)
i pet it the entire time i was there
huge clouds of fur falling out of her
we made love
she rolled around and i massaged her and scratched her
she was so beautiful
it took a while
many different roads
and João knowing everyone
this house was filled with art
i wish i could have met the maker.. their father
they’d lived in germany… and a german boy got to come here on foreign exchange..
(i thought back to my own foreign exchange and felt my customary bitterness and jealousy about this… i wanted to go to germany but they wouldn’t let me because i didn’t speak German… and now i feel condemned to only speaking english– but to come to a place like this!)
we went to drop off one boy at the ferry
then we went to pick up the owner of the VW bug we were driving around it
(this was my first time in a Bug… or is it Beetle?)
then we went back to the house to drop off her stuff
then we went to the beach
João showed me a island and told me i could swim there
and i forgot my swimming suit
and wanted to be naked anyway
so i figured if i just swam out there i could lay there naked
so i went behind a rock
took off my pants
and waded into the water
filled with rocks and barnicals and other strange things
i started swimming
going going
no problem
and half way there
i realized i was very far away from the shore
and very far away from the island
i had never swam this far before
so
i panic’d
and stared trying to get there faster
which only succeded on bringing on an Asthma type feeling
now, i had just gone on some long walks with my mother last week
where this happened to her
and i stood next to her being annoyed
wishing she would relax
take deep breaths
and walk slow enough so this wouldn’t happen
but here am i
doing the same thing
but in the middle of the ocean
ummm
so i got to the end of the Archepelago and clambored up the rock
scattering crabs everywhere
and flopped down on the hot stone
chest pounding
breathing fast and shallow
pissing myself
but unable to ground
unable to relate…
there i was on this little rock
far away from everything
wondering what the hell to do
and i turned around
and there was João
on the island
waving.
he jumped in
and swam by me
i watched his stroke
long and slow and relaxed
one after the other after the other
many times without breathing
i jumped in
and tried to emulate it
but still drove myself into panic..
but got there
worked my way back to my clothes
and let my heart jump back in my chest
…
then
THEN
we all get back in the car
and drive somewhere else
and this time it is João and Jacira (this beautiful girl), Jan (the german exchange student now come back to visit) and i.
we clambour down a hill
and then take off up the mountain through the river
(they call all rivers comming down mountains “Cachoeira”, water-fall)
this time João is running full speed
and Jacira is fallowing him, or finding her own way, at the same pace
so i put my fears down
and just went
rock to rock
so fast
over moss and slime and water
through the mud
the vines
the prickly plants
the trees with HUGE spikes comming out of them
CHARGE!
the most amazing exhilerating thrilling beautiful experience i have ever had
then we found our pool
clothes were off just as fast
and swimming…
João shows we can do anything
climbs up a big rock
and jumps 15 feet into the pool
knowing the exact spot to jump
not to get broken to bits by the rocks.
i think of all the americans i know…
all the ones i have been this person for…
that tell me their worries of
broken glass (we walked barefoot all over this island today!)
of slipping and falling
germs.. viruses
stock market crashes
being homeless
it all seems so petty!
and i can be angry when i am writing this
but i couldn’t while i was there
i was so filled with love and excitement
i was so happy
hell, i am still glowing…
i purposefully wrote this whole day like this without talking about the last few
to write this in my mood of happiness
before talking about the next bit.
When i got back into São Paulo
i had plans
to sleep well sunday night
spend the entire day monday writing
then tuesday during the day
and in the evenening, go see Fernando
then leave wednesday or thursday for Here
IlhaBela
instead
i stayed up all night every night i was there
going through porn and bears and downloading music
wasting all my time and energy
abusing myself
and then going out into the city
EVERY DAY
doing my best to abuse other people.
Monday i made a date that didn’t happen
but i was alright for that
coz i got my fix from Adriano
which was good “sex”
but who the hell needs sex?
we need love.
i tried my best.. but it was a show.
tuesday i did NOT meet up with the Crown
(he had forgotten he said we’d meet)
and had it rubbed in my face, all the things i had put aside
like meeting someone else i wanted to meet
or seeing DOGVILLE
i walked about 10 Kms, though…
Wednesday i tried seeing the movie again
but fucked it up
and went to Carlos’ house early
to exchange pics
he had taken some pictures of me last time i was in town
he is the perfect porn addict
was only turned on by me when he was watching me through the web cam or the digi-pictures he took of me being attracted to him.
Ugh
and i succumed to pleasing him by having sex with some other guy for him to take pictures of!
and it was standard sex for me
me WOWing the guy beyond belief…
me doing all the work
and feeling vaguely dissatisfied
(i will admit it, the sex i had with adriano was satisfying for what it was… i think that is why i have been attracted to TOPs more in the last year… i am tired of people that just Lay Down when i start to have sex with them.. i like people who meet me with their energy instead of just recieving mine…)
ugh, terrible day
i got back to Smurf’s
and he and Henhata had gone out to eat
and all the cashews i had been eaten had given me the runs
(just as i was approaching his house, worry not, i wasn’t walking around the whole day with shit in my pants, just the last 15 minutes)
so i jumped the fence into their apartment complex
and proped up a box
jumped onto their second floor balcony
pulled myself up
climed up over the railing, then on the diving wall
and leapt from there into the third-floor window i had left open earlier that day
and STILL didn’t sleep
i watched waking night the night before
which i still found annoying
but took it better this time
as the whole thing being an example of the progression of people’s ideas about god and reality
working up from very complex insane ideas
to the last conversation
which was very simple, clear
and a good reminder.
PHEW
anyway
i am so tired of torturing myself
and when João and i got back to the house tonight
lovely simple sandwiches of black bread and olive oil, tomato, lettuce and cheese
i found myself NOT telling him i was gay
the many times sex was brought up in our conversation.
he’s not gay.
i am not gay. but i have sex with men…
i found myself feeling ASHAMED of being gay
much like i did as a teenager
when i was in love with Trevis and Sheridan
and many other people like this
very alive, virile, unafraid to live their dreams and desires
or… terrified, but doing it anyway
all straight kids…
i didn’t want to admit that i am attracted to people who are stuck to their mother’s tit
and hang out at bars where everyone is bored and boring
and drinking to forget that
and pretend that they really are having a good time
but what they’re doing it trying to find someone who will go exchange energy with them
enough to put them back into their bodies and hearts for at least a flash while they cum
so they can feel what it feels like to be alive again
for a second.
i am so tired of city gay culture crap.
IT is what makes me want to die.
and not just the gay culture…
but so much of the city cultures in general
and maybe it’s not that
it’s just the majority culture
steeped in fear and fast food and television
imitation of life
the living dead.
Marsha (back in abadiania) told a story about Drunvalo Malchizidec …
in it, she refered to a tribe of people up in the mountains somewhere who call most of the people in bodies on this planet “the dead ones” because of how little light we give off
not to make any more comments or judgements about our life
i just felt it to be so sadly true
and being here is so ALIVE
being in the forest, the mountains, the waterfalls
the sun and the sea
eating fresh coconuts and fresh food
and just LIVING
ThiS IS LIFE!
why don’t i live in life
and why can’t i be whole here?
if i just stopped having sex for a while
stopped making it even a determining factor in where i live
i tried that at heartwood
i know it won’t work…
but all the men i feel so loved by
so attracted to
so turned on to (sexually)
they hardly even go for WALKS out in nature
and certainly not naked
and there is always their TVs and their Cocktails
and i want to bring all of these people out of the dark
and let them dance and sing and be alive and full of love
and i DON’T KNOW HOW TO DO IT!
and if i am an emmisary of light to these people
the age-old task of trying to enlighten my father
what am i getting out of it?
i certainly am not succeeding in that task
and it is daunting
and, i think, impossible.
people can only enlighten themselves.
there is nothing i can do
but keep walking around shining
and making little laterns
and flashlights
and candles.
but they got to turn them on
open the book
connect the god damn dots.
so what does this mean?
will i live on this island forever?
No, of course not.
but i know now very clearly
what i need to bring into my life
so i don’t fucking starve to death.
today is only the first day…
(of the rest of my days)
“so lighten up, squirt”

mwa mwa
ok
write backwards…
ok
it’s monday night.
i always like monday’s to be MoonDays…
as if i were a woman
as they said in the days
on my moon
and in so many understandings
the moon is internal
over the last few years
in all my travelling
i like to give monday to myself.
i had plans, actually.
i had planned to come into Sao Paulo sunday night
sleep well
then wake early
streatch, pray
and write all day
getting it all down
all that happened
all i thougt and felt.
but plans twisted a bit
and i succumed to my usual Nafs…
spent all sunday night
til the sun rose
working myself into a frenzy over desire
the miracle of lust
what is this?
this all-encompassing desire for the passion of penetration….
yeah, we all want union
we all want unity
and though fucking always ends
and someone goes home
leaving the other alone
it is a strong attractor
like drugs
like food
like long walks in the beautiful hills
being in the body in intense ways
gets us closer to god
we are god
abstracted
then re-planted in structures made by god (oursleves, but whole)
so through ourselves we can reach god again
but to most people it is such a waste of time
yeah yeah, they know about the wizard of oz
they know it’s just them behind a curtain
so the fun part is
forgetting that
and loving the horse of a different colour…
my, i digress
i spent last night abusing myself
and furthermore
fantasizing more luscious ways to abuse myself
and enlisting others to help.
i slept about two hours this morning
another dream about something
with my dad
many things to get accomplished
and dissaproval and blame all around
just frustrating
i woke up and had to take a shit
i had eaten too many prunes and dried fruit…
i knew once i got away from the pousada
i would still be a hunter-gather
but more picky
and not eating as much here in SP
so resorting to what was shoved in my fat.
two hours of sleep
but i had made a date
to go out into this HUGE never-ending city
to meet some guy near the cathedral down town.
don’t worry, of course he didn’t show up.
that’s fine.
i walked around for a time
got to an internet cafe
and proceeded to continue…
saw m. Adriano on line
and we started chatting
dancing a little dance around himself
seeing that the last time we’d talked
he’d told me he was back with his boy friend
and they were in a closed relationship
but eventually
i just put it clear to him
i just wanted to have sex with him again
he addmitted the same
so i worked my way over there
and we spent many hours doing just that.
this time, however
i used one of my gifts from the current
and made the whole thing a prayer
a meditation
a yoga
an act of loving
a medicine
like i used to!
(laughs)
the monster in my head ridiculed me
told me i was lying..
i have noticed it the last few days
been able to hear it distinctly
it will say all sorts of shitty things
and when i recognize it’s voice
i can just tell it to shut the fuck up
instead of thinking it might be saying something important
why such fractures of being?
coz there’s love and hate. boys and girls. this tedium of duality we live in.. gotta have our playmates.
love, eventually we’ll get around to it
but sometimes respect is necessary first
who the fuck are you?
oh yeah?
well here’s who i am
get the fuck out of my way, thanks.
THanks.
i had to teach smurf how to make the TH sound tonight
it was a lot of fun
sex with adriano
lots of sex
great sex
and i recorded some of it
and prayed
and slept a bit more
and dreamt.
still, there was the ever-present sadness of life there
his boyfriend showed up
and they talked for a bit
while i was in the bathroom
just a reminder that mr A isn’t in integrity
and my choosing to fraterize constantly with people who aren’t i integrity
show’s up my own lack there of
damn humans!
(laughs)
“Please Excuse The Mess, We Are Working To Bring You A Better Dominic”
ate some nice street food on the walk back
on the walk TO adriano’s
i stopped into, what i THINK, was a capple of St Francis
very decorated
gold and curly
but very pretty
and it felt great
it was a nice gift to remind me of my duties
when i knew full well what i was getting into
i think it was just a bit of preperation for the Crown tomorrow.
Adriano was the last person i had had sex with
and almost the only person i have had sex with in Brazil
(two others, very hardly present)
and the sex was great
he hates how big he is
but i just find him absolutely adorable, physically
i love so much about his body
and we work together sexually WONDERFULLY
however, up til today, there was very little psychic/spiritual/emotinoal connection
i always think there is none unless i do the work to make it so
but is that just because
if i don’t do the work
i can’t pick up on theirs?
or that most people don’t do it consciously
and part of my retarded-genius
is having to experience life consciously
in order for it to be real?
it was satiating.
i felt so damn satiated.
i didn’t really want the guy who didn’t show up
i wanted adriano
i got him
and it was great
he wanted me too
and we had a great time
i left feeling balanced
absolved
i ate a bit
and even got a Maté-Açai-Cupuaçu shake…
full
i was full
in so many ways
i walked through the beautiful city
it rained for about a minute
spread out through about five minutes
it was blue skies…
people with paint on their faces
inducted into university
degredated and forced to beg for beer money on the streets
the night was comming
and the shops were closing
but all the street vendors were comming out
i had never been in this part of town
i didn’t know about this
it reminded me of Bejing..
Got Back Nicely
and talked with Smurf
one thing led to another
and i told him about
meeting gregory at the Casa…
now, when i met gregory
i was pretty sure i was familiar with him in some way
and yeah, he is kinda a famous guy
famous in the areas of Chaos theory, written a few books
and invented the VeggieBurger
well well
Smurf says
“yes, i know him, he is in a movie i have”
so he shows me this movie…
it’s about trance culture…
Alex Gray, Spruhngle, all sorts of sadus and burning man and stonehenge and Nikki, a woman Kwai and I Interviewed once…
small world
and there was gregory
on camera
dancing in a field
and talking about all sorts of stuff
full circle.
i have a lot to write
but now i am pretty tired
so this will probably be IT for now…
still, sorry i have been so truant
but i am sure this will happen often:
i am usually quite busy living…
love ya

so
i want you all to go here
http://www.1stbooks.com/
and type in the name
“Josie Ravenwing”
in the author field
hit enter
and BUY THE BOOK
her home page is here
http://www.healingjourneys.net/
check it out

Hello Everyone
Mother and I at the internet café now, wanting to send a little note…
mother here:
Dear Larry, Louis and Kari:
it is incredible here.
we are having such a wonderful time
miracles happen every day
wish you were all here
love and blessings
me
(mother)
Ok, now i will write a little story of today.
i wrote a story of yesterday
but on a computer that locked up before i got to send it
so you don’t get to read it
sorry, maybe later
my favourite part, though
was while mother and i were in the taxi on the long ride back from Brasilia
i fell asleep with my head in her lap
(grin)
after we got back
we had some green coconuts
COCO VERDE
with the most meat and juice in a coconut i have ever seen!
the both of us!
we shared Maté with Arthur
and dug into our cocos…
then i went out to write on the computer
and mom took a nap
the computer locked up, as i said
but at least i found a place i could charge my camera and connect to the computer so i could send you all pictures…
when the computers are working…
but until then…
i left the computer place/pizzaria
and came to dinner at the Pousada
just in time to leave
and head to the Dance…
Josie has been working with a group of native Brazilian Indiana
the Fulni-ô
they are a healer tribe
use the powers of nature to aid in the healing of any tribe
(even europeans…)
however, their native lands have been deforested
and they have been pushed off the land by the European decendants…
so they are all dying…
you know how us white folk treat the indigenous people of the lands we steal…
anyway
some of them have set up shop here to see if they can make some money selling their crafts in this incredibly healing environment
… they also do dances every weekend
however
becuase they love Josie so much
they decided to do some special dances last night that they have never performed before
(josie actually lived on a Navajo reservation for five years… she’s very well-in with indigenous peoples)
so we went
it was amazing
un-sayable
and then the chief stayed to do blessings on all that wished it…
i gave his wife a 1-dollar coin with Sakajuwea on it…
for her little princess daughter…
today was the day of cleansing
we all went to the waterfall
and i did all my laundry…
mother went before me
because the women and men go down seperately
she hiked down with most of the other women
the drizzling rain quit just before they left
and she saw the Mother Mare and Foal i had seen two days previous
which of course she loved…
though she cannot put these things into words
just in awe…
in awe of all the beauty…
as they left the waterfall
the sky cleared
and the sun blazed through
they walked back in the heat of the sun
which got them all dry and warm…
then she took a nice nap
i, however, had taken a nap before she even left to go down
and was woken in a start by Arthur yelling
“DOMINIC, we’re going to the waterfall!”
i stumbled out of the room
and into the taxi (i don’t really know why we took a taxi, but we did)
and arrived at the waterfall still dreaming…
we met mother and the other ladies just as they were leaving..
it was beautiful as always
and maybe even more so
because there has been so much rain in the past few days
the flow was so much more intense
still, it was not cold to me
just very powerful
at this point i have become familiar with it
so i got further into the consciouness of being there
as before
i let it wash me thoroughly
but on the suggestion of Josie
after i felt myself washed
i let it fill me up with energy and love
this was amazing
this felt all sivery
this got me screaming and ohming and helling and dancing about..
and there were such beautiful clown plants!
as i waited for Rich to finish his douse
i noticed these big green Heart-shaped leaves
with pink and white spots on them…
and a butterfly flew by
fluttering
it looked like a yellow bar with two big red balls on the end
when it landed and closed it’s wings
just a small yellow V
it blended in with the trees..
so beautiful
and made my day…
when i got back
mom was napping
there is so much energy here
it is moving us and washing us and changing us
SO much movement we cannot keep up
we’re often tired…
but i woke her up to go get some Acai (a-ss-i-ee)
and we met up with Nestor
the only other Openly gay guy i have met here
he’s columbian
but lives in portland oregon now
he loved the fact that we could talk about sex and drugs and all of our feelings in front of mom and she wouldn’t freak out
we took him to dinner with us at the Pousada
and HE fell in love with Josie as well
and told me all the guys he’s been in love with here
we got to talk shop…
and then we all went out to get the world’s best coconut cake
all agreed…
and we sat for over an hour telling all our favourite animal stories
all of our chickens
me and eggburt, and my mother in there
Nestor’s pet hen
who he came home to eat for dinner one night as his dad’s form of a pracical joke
how come insecure men find hurting people so funny?
went to go on line with mom…
and yet the computers there, at the other cafe, were still not working
so i am not able to post pictures yet…
SOMETIME
when the time is right…
i am back at the one across from our Pousada
more expensive
but it works for now…
mom is back at the pousada
and i am finishing up for the evening…
counting my blessings
and making plans…
we’ll see how it all works out…