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ah, but underneath
there is always something else
and we can say
it is beautiful
sure, i’m just waking up
the tractors and growling in the valley
preparing wine and other products
and the sky is gentle and pale
and i
i am still too groggy to be fully here
which is A-OK
(helicopter beating in the distance)
before i went to sleep last night i remembered something i wanted to write about
when Leo came back this week
he was only here for a day
i’d asked him to bring some things over from the civilized world to the mountain top
— he’d forgotten all of them
which made me angry
but i very quickly told him that
and just let it go
he was very tired, has he often is now
(working a lot)
i’ve made him this tea…
yerba Mate, Oatstraw, Damiana
in order to produce more testosterone in his body
and nourish him as he gives himself his morning stimulants
it’s also a major aphrodesiac blend
we lay naked and talked on the couch for a while
and then we decided to move out to the bed in the sun on the deck
i grabbed my massage oil
and told him to lay down on his back
now
i’ve been making all my money from massage for 3 years now
BUT
i’ve been doing massage out of love for over 16 years…
and so i started loving him
— he’s only had one massage before in his life
and it was me.
i rested into our energy field
called in peace and healing and love
then started the massage
gentle caresses
deep pressure on very tight neck muscles
falling-so-in-motherly-love
as i so often do…
many years ago i had a lover
and once
i asked him to give me a massage
he said he didn’t really know how to do it
and i said ‘ that’s ok ‘
and he just did it
and it was the best massage i’d ever had in my life
because he loved me.
(thank you robbit)
and it brought me into the understanding that the most healing thing is love
so i let myself come into a place of love for each person that i’m working on…
but to actually get to work on a lover… (i’ve known Leo over 3 years)
so beautiful
and i had to kiss him
(laughs)
caressing him
sending energy through him
smoothing his tension
enjoying his flesh
listening to his soft moaning
his soft snoring
i worked for about an hour when he said he was very thirsty
(we were laying in the sun)
so i told him i’d get his drink…
‘ should i pour it into your mouth? ‘
“mmm, i’d rather you put it in your mouth and kiss it into mine”
so yes
i did
a whole bottle of juice
and we were then devouring eachother
and culminating in love in the sun
with the beautiful valley below us
witnessed by a thousand trees
and the sky
two nights ago
there was an old friend of Leo’s here
a man i’ve also known a few years
he’s celibate
but we are sensual together
— he’s also Very uptight
and i got the feeling he came here to REACT to all of his restrictions
he started drinking alcohol and smoking lots of pot
they said
“oh, let me give you a massage”
which lasted maybe ten minutes
when he said he had to lay down or he’d pass out
hmmm
so i started massaging him
and went for an hour, probably
dum-de-dum
and when the orgasm was getting involved
i was so conscious of prayers
and calling in such loving blessings, beauty and release
no guilt, no shame, free loving…
there was a big explosion
that left me feeling very empty
and i didn’t really realize it til the next morning
but he is one of those men that keeps it all to himself
his energy
maybe that’s his vow of chastity? maybe it’s his up-tight personality
but he doesn’t share
and so i was open and giving with my energy
and just got drained
from lack of any return.
in the morning i felt used and sad
and was glad to see him go.
feeling so alone, so abused
i perpetuated it in the morning
eventually
working my way through my bear pictures and starting to masturbate
when a surprise picture of a current lover of mine came up
he’d just snapped the picture for me a few days ago
after reading something i’d written for him
a picture’s worth a thousand words, so that was his response
as he typed very little
and maybe it was because i was so open
and culling the pictures for their somewhat stale lust intrinsic in the taking
that i caught his message this time
and it stopped my hand
and pulled my energy into my heart
fixed on his blue eyes
i blew him a kiss and said ‘ thank you ‘
and got on with my day in more productive and loving ways.
good morning.

Ok
things i want to understand (write about)
:
the importance of celibacy
Or
knowing when and why to have sex
and being honest about why not to.
birth control.
and
my ignorance to my own process has become unacceptable
i am angry about EVERYTHING and it is, of course, eating me up
what is this?
—–
“… as a person learns to love, she or he enters a deep spiritual process based on truth, and the hitherto confusing drive for sex diminishes. While many may confuse romance with love, romance lacks the truth, openness, and vulnerability of love. The romantic relationship is one that seeks excitement, the sharing of pleasure. The growth relationship leaves the romantic stage to pass through the initiation trial of love. Love seeks further truth, further sharing of self. The quality of love for and from another depends on the depth of appreciation and love for oneself, attainable through acceptance of self, including one’s sexuality.”
Arthur Melville, “With Eyes to See”
I would have to admit that i have always wanted the deep truth of love out of my relationships
and after years of pushing hard to get it and not getting it back
i have yielded
i have given up on it
with much dissatisfaction and grumbling, though
and am not happy with my relationships now
and though i must be careful now about turning my knives back on myself
as i so often do
it appears to me that i do not know myself truthfully
a kid has started writing to me from this journal
and the interraction has made me angry… as everything is doing right now.
though, this context is
he weaves himself out of poetry (much as i do, but in a more learn’d way)
and seems to perceive things in me that i view as flaws
and he says them
not that they’re really flaws
but show me up as being imperfect
when i have such difficulty accepting that at periods in my life
i am rejecting everything right now
a guy i met in brazil, and again at wolf creek
is sending me oodles of astrology interpretation from some site
which is something i’ve always avoided because i prefer to make my own interpretations
but they are SO important to him
and he fills the introductory paragraphs of the emails with details about how the data in there will enrich me so much
and oh, from the writing of the authour, this is surely a time of great change for me
and blah blah blah
it makes me angry!
NOW is always a time of great change
should one choose to make it so
but hearing that from someone who’s constantly constantly constantly doing self-improvement makes it sound like a TV show i should be watching or a drug i should be doing or a team i should be rooting for, etc…
i don’t wanna!
but then, that’s me
yearning for family
but not liking to be included in groups
(flaws)
why try so hard?
well
i don’t know
i tried very hard to figure myself out for many years
and it succeeded in my building a persona that i was more happy with
but it wasn’t me, see
and that just isn’t fair
rather, isn’t real
and isn’t integrity
now, i don’t want to acquiesce to submitting to my ruts and patterns and saying i’ll just be in them forever
but i’ve been having relationships with men twice my age for over ten years now
and i don’t see much option
that is
we get older
and just keep doing the same shit
over and over and over and over
we move an inch, maybe an inch a year
yeah
but why try so hard
when
it’s gonna happen anyway?
sure
be in touch with the process
but fixate on it?
well, everyone needs something to live by.
Robert once told me there didn’t need to be a rush
we had all the time in the world
and it was, of course, just as i’d come to understand this myself
perhaps both of us have forgotten that understanding now
but i’m sure both of us remember having it
past epiphanies gone abstract…
Eli got angry at me in years past for fixating on my own growth, as i’m angry about now
for this very reason
: it’s vulgar and crass to make your live so base as to focus on the fundaments of living like that
have a REAL life
and work it out through that.
and what is a Real life?
being among the people
Friday-night Poker
Parish Meetings
creating art to share with a city, a world
real life includes all of us
the whole of the self.
not just little broken pieces
like being obsessed about sex.
now
i’m a pretty sexual guy
and it seems like i’ve been obsessed about sex since before i even hit puberty
always wanting to be naked and touching people
(not that i ever got to as a child, but i remember desiring to be naked with my parents, to sleep with them.. nothing sexual, but that un-adorned intimacy)
discovering my dad’s “playboy”s at age 8… or 6…
porn at 10
sex and 12
meeting people from the computer at 14
and it’s all slid away from there
when i’m up here on this mountain
no matter my intentions
i find myself getting stuck on the computer anywhere from 2 to 4 hours almost every time i log on
checking my email, yes
but my bear profiles
everywhere
cruising around
getting pictures
it all started here
after my ritual to put myself back into integrity..
i’d not been interested in porn from the age of 14 to 23
but the end of 2001
i would sit on the computer up here for near 16 hours (more?)
jacking off continually
web cam
bear profiles
etc etc
it was a mess
an incredible waste of energy
and i’ve ALWAYS been a computer addict
since i got one at age 10
since i got nintendo at age 8
BUT
once i could take it from the level of a video game
and actually dial-up a reality
(that is, cruise the video game, find a person, and then meet them in reality…)
it became even more addictive
all the cauldron work is still done alone
but the culmination involves some personality.
i’ve often wished i were celibate
i spent almost the entire year of my time in england (at age 17) being celibate
because i didn’t know how to access gay culture
and i was really wishing i could
perhaps
be straight
what i really wanted
i understand
was to have control over my sexuality
i realized
when i wasn’t masturbating like mad
or constantly having throw-away sex
i had so much more creative energy
i also constantly got messages
from the faries.. the voices in my head… my spirit guides… whatever
that every time i had sex like that
i was losing parts of myself
and now i feel like a debased wasted version of the potential i once had
sold myself to orgasm
the little death became a big one
now, i don’t want to be all terminalistic
but a lot of people notice i am being
i had a many subtle pleas not to fast until i disappeared
i’m not a hunger artist
but i don’t know what to eat in life right now that doesn’t make me angry: ill.
is this what AIDS feels like?
if anyone’s reading this that is working through that in a conscious way
tell me
because i know so many of you who seem to have such a strong desire to live against such adversity
and i just don’t understand it
so perhaps it has nothing to do with this…
but i have to include this paragraph because i was scared to write it.
it’s just my own type of depression
and what am i depressing?
i got angry at my dad for making me feel like i had to depress my love
i’m suppressing it all
and the steam is burning
the only thing getting out is my anger
frustration
what am i afraid of?
where is the festering sore?
i’m so near to loving, what’s keeping me?
”
there are very many things i would like to say to you
but i’ve lost my way
and i’ve lost my words
there are very many places i would like to go but i
can’t find the key
to open my door
the weight of my words
you can’t feel it anymore
the weight of my words
you can’t feel it anymore
there are very many ways i would like to break the spell
you’ve cast upon
me
coz all the time i’ve sacrificed myself
to make you want
me
has made you haunt
me
the weight of my words
you can’t feel it anymore
the weight of my words
you can’t feel it anymore
the weight of my words
you can’t feel it anymore
there are very many things i would like to say to you
but i’ve lost my way
and i’ve lost my words
there are very many places i would like to go but i
can’t find the key
to open my door
”
“the weight of my words” — Kings of Convenience
i remember that i view all relationships as a manifestation of a relationship with the self
because
of course
if you cannot be honest with yourself
you cannot be with anyone else
if you cannot love yourself
you cannot love another
and cannot receive…
“the greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return”

today was the first day of the salt-water flush part of my cleanse
here’s more on it:
http://curezone.com/cleanse/bowel/master_cleanse.asp
http://www.bc1.com/~vitagem/Master_Cleanser.htm
it left me feeling strange all day
after i drank the salt water
at 6:30 in the morning or whatever
i got back in bed
and slept until 9 something
where i was awoke by this guy i’d met on line while i was in brazil
he was really into the “master” thing
and though i’ve never done that
i’ve always been attracted to it
but that
when i actually meet a guy
my sensors go off and i can never trust someone’s integrity over my own
so i never give control over
when that is what is necessary to be a slave
and to willingly submit to a greater power
is to let one’s self be led
and to be led into wholeness
that is what he was offering
of course
when i met him
i felt like he was the same as everyone i knew in SF
(grrrr, i don’t mean to be so judgmental sorry, Most people i know in SF)
a friend described them as “Pez people”
which i thought was hilarious
but not that, no
just a desperate desire for closeness
in a city that has bred a specific type of distance between people
everyone hungry for reality
in a land full of actors.
he asked me what i was going through
and half way through my explanation
he stopped me to get a word in edge-wise
and went off on his own agenda
basically telling me
that my not calling him back was denying him the right to spend time with me
i felt like he just didn’t understand
i didn’t want to
or i obviously would
but i was too tired for such things.
i sat and let the water pour through me.
then i went to get on line
with the intention of finishing yesterday’s journal entry
that got cut-off in the middle of the writing of it due to the keyboard locking up
i ended up spending a few hours on the computer
getting all sexually worked up and distracted
and
i’m sure
blocking some phone calls
but when i got off the computer
no one called all day
i lay in the sun
read another story by mr delaney
had some lemonade
and embarked on cleaning the house a bit
Leo wanted me to sweep the back porch
one thing leads to another
and i started on the Buddhist practice of “sweeping the path”
that is
this house has lots of dirt and rock paths
all littered with leaves and cobwebs and other droppings from trees
i spent over two hours sweeping around the house
sweeping the dirt
making it clear
(laughs)
then
exhausted
i realized i’d not really had enough nourishment today
so i quickly downed a glass of lemonade
had another
and lay down to read Arthur’s book
the day had gone so quickly
a short conversation with Leo
and the sun was gone
i went in with the intention of cleaning my room
but got on the computer to update my yahoo-profiles
because
earlier in the day
i had the yahoo messanger open
and some guy messaged me asking me if i was a member of the “Talaban”
or if i worked for them
at first
i thought it was someone i knew playing a game with me
i didn’t answer that question of course
coz of how inane it is
i tried to figure out who he was
he started getting angry and mean at me
saying i looked “mean and evil”
and as i tried to explain myself
he said
“oh, you live on a mountain top. how are you talking to me on line then? who’s electricity are you stealing?”
i started pointing out that he was really scared and jumping to conclusions and what happened to him that made him so afraid
then he really lashed out
and told me he was going to turn me into the FBI for stealing money from good americans and stealing their electricity too
what the fuck?
so i looked into him
i thought he was this puerto rican guy i talked with last year on the internet
turns out it wasn’t him
it was his “lover”
new lover as far as i could tell
coz this guy didn’t have one last year
though he was desperate for one
both me and my friend Dani he’d gone really strong for
trying to marry us
even though he didn’t know us
you know
passionate desperate fantasies
still
all this being said
this guy kinda freaked me out
per the example in Michael Moore’s movie
of a man being investigaed by the FBI because he’d made a comment about the fucked up nature of the government while working out at the gym
i knew people were fear-ridden and insecure enough to do shit like that
and is there a user-friendly and easy way to report people to the FBI like big brother tells you to?
Yes, there are signs all over NYC, i’ve seen them
… the last thing i need
but then
i don’t really do anything illegal
but for not paying taxes
and
the entire life i lead
anyway
i got back on the computer
for what i meant to be a short time
but it was four hours later…
i’d made a joke in a message to a friend of mine
alluding to my being a computer addict
but damn
sometimes it’s hard to quit!
anyway
on with today’s voiding
and cleaning
and cleansing
and listening…

Funerals.
There’s been a lot of Funerals lately
Leo’s had three at his church
no pastor around there remembers such a time.
i left yesterday to go into town to get Lemons
but they weren’t there
nor in the next town
nor what else i wanted in that town
so i travelled further
and decided to subject myself to People
and movies
and money
bought lemons and CDs and books
and today
i saw a movie
Fahrenheit 9/11
which
unlike my companion
didn’t depress me
but did fill me with sadness
still, also Hope.
i know where Michael Moore comes from
i’ve been there
my parents are from the same state and simliar lives
i grew up south of there
i know where he comes from
there is an incredible sadness knowing that we’ve been lied to and stolen from and duped
ripped off because of our love and trusting
especially for something as basic as a Home Land
our Country.
(laughs)
but he did this to ask that it not continue happening
and if one thing can stop destructive behaviour
it’s knowledge
or it’s love
or it’s something un-nameable
i’m fasting
and i love how that makes me feel
so slow and steady
so clear on what i’m feeling and what’s happening
( is it also the huge hematite necklace i’m wearing around my neck? the memories have been flashing all day, this morning i walked through my paternal-grand-parents’ house… )
and the people i met today
made me feel sad as well, and a bit abstract
people who have energy
don’t know what to do with it
and just do what they can…
even if it isn’t particularily what they Want to do or like
but a path is made
and they just walk it
ride it, if they can
hoping it’s all down-hill from here…
(yeah)
but,
as i drove down those windy narrow mountain roads
going the speed i was comfortable with
and getting annoyed by the soccer-moms in SUVs just trying to get home at 65mph
i realized that my slowing down or breaking quickly wasn’t neccessary
it wasn’t important, it was needed for me to control them
i could just go as i wanted
they could ride my tail
an accident wasn’t going to happen
all was well
just
go
my
own
way
and sure
there is lonliness in that
sometimes
but who cares?
i only need a few friends
they just have to be real.
When i left Ukiah
i decided to go to a cruising park i’d heard about
that was also supposed to be in a beautiful area
and it was a beautiful area
but i didn’t like the way it felt
there were lots of families
and poison oak everywhere
and… Joggers
and people on boats in the water close to shore
blaring very angry loud music
i wasn’t really in the space…
but did play with a mexican in the woods a little
(grin)_
and as i was about to leave
a man of my style arrived in a big pick-up
so i went over to talk with him
and realized i knew him from on-line
so we talked for nearly an hour
he pointed out a light in the sky
like how jupiter looks at night
but this was around 5:00pm
it was very odd to see
it moved very slowly across the sky,
very very slowly– so it looked like it wasn’t moving at all
i had trouble seeing it
staring into such BLUE made my eyes go all wormy
you know how that happens?
when all you see is the reflection of your retina: all the blood vessels pulsing?
eventually we got tired of looking for it
it would drift in and out of our vision
and i decided it was time for me to go
feeling very light-headed and tired
i’d not really drank enough water nor lemonade today
so he left
and i went back to the Jeep and got my bottle
and noticed a man i’d noticed earlier
an old man
very wizened face
eyes ravaged by time
long hair
short beard
very big hands
all liver-speckled
i went and sat down to talk with him
he was smoking some pot
and offered me some
i took the lightest of breaths from it
and we started talking
it was kinda painful
he told me he was just here to take a break
he’d gone to a funeral yesterday
and he didn’t go to funerals
but he went to this one
an old buddy of his
who went back to viet-nam a long time ago
and had no intention of ever comming back
apparently he’d fallen off a boat and they found him floating in the river
he came back in an urn
to his wife?
some gal who was his friend
and she’d planned to take the ashes back to vietnam to scatter them there
because that’s where he wanted to be
He said: “she’s wasting her time: he’s still there. he never left. all that is
is a hand-ful of ashes”
what happened?
there was So Much Silence
he was watching a woman on a blanket with her boyfriend
their dog came over
its rope too short to reach us
it started whimpering
he said
“i hate dogs.
i’m a dog.
we’re all dogs.
i hate dogs.
they’re rude creatures
shit everywhere. rip up everything.
i hate them ”
there was a pause
“ah, if she shows me her cunt one more time i’m going to go over there and plow it”
i’ve been told
though i am not a connoisseur of straight men
that if he ever mentions anything about sex
it means he wants to have it
and he’ll probably have i with you
i laughed and said
‘ you can’t do that, though. she’s got a dog and a boy friend ‘
“she’s got two dogs
fuckin dogs
…
dogs lick their balls
… coz they can”
‘and you would too
if you could!’
“naw..
i wouldn’t
though i like having it done to me”
one of those fear responses came up in me
take the risk?
sure, i never have before, to be so bold (laughs)
it seemed like a challenge
‘ well, if you need it done, i’d be happy to do it for ya ‘
he takes a draw off his pipe
“no offense, but i’d rather have someone like Her do it”
right
so he says
he was born a cripple
polio
grew up with a stunted left leg…
doctors cut his right leg and clamped it to keep it from growing at age 6
and by the age of 10 he could stand flat on two feet
for the first time in his life
the look in his eyes was miraculous…
then he got slow and angry again
“then those motherfuckers fucked it up”
they took out the plates, saying he didn’t need them anymore
and his right foot grew another three-quarters of an inch
“they got me straightened out… then left me all crooked again”
he had such anger
the conversation was floating
as heavily emotional marijuana conversations do
he was in so much pain and so angry
i said
‘ ah, but you’re still here… which means you love something enough to keep you here…
what do you love? ‘
he said he loved him self, and most women…
after a long pause
said he had a bunch of illegitimate children
and he fucking didn’t care about any of them
trash, as far as he was concerned
but then, he said, he’d almost always hated children
‘ when did you start hating children ? ‘
he told me he was put in an iron lung as a baby
came home from the hospital for the first time at the age of three
had many older brothers and sisters
and he remembers this, even though he was only three
laying there in the room with all of his siblings playing
– two older boys were holding a blanket
with a younger kid inside it
they would swing it back and forth, and back and…
let ’em go so they’d fly through the air to land on the bed
so he called out, he wanted to go
the put him in the blanket and swung him back and forth, and back and forth
and they let go of the blanket the opposite direction
so he went sailing down stairwell
like a little metiorite
wrapped up in that blanket
banging down 1 and a half flights of stairs
said it was pretty clear to him that’s when he started hating children
that was an intense betrayal to be subject to
i understood his anger
and it resonated with the stories i’d learned about my own childhood (once forgotten)
about the betrayals i’d suffered
but i feel i’d gone through a lot of re-viewing, re-understanding
because i didn’t want to be 65 or whatever like this guy
and be carrying around such rage
at the ignorant actions made by people who had no ideas how to treat themselves
much less a young burgeoning life…
during that pause of my thinking
he’d prepared another story
” when i was seven
in school
i often got picked on
i was sitting in a chair by the window
waiting for class to start
and this big guy, bully of the class
came by and pushed me out of the chair with his butt
i fell on the floor
he told me to find another place to sit
the next morning i told my mom i was sick
stayed home from school
sat all day and thought
and a miracle happened after noon, i got better
so i went out to play
i went to where that kid got dropped off from the buss
and climbed a big tree
and waited for him to come
when he was right under me
i jumped out of the tree on him
holding a small boulder the size of that hat
i slammed it down on his skull and crushed it
he crumpled to the ground
and i sat on top of him screaming and punching him
i’d pulverized his face before the other kids pulled me off him ”
i was actually a little shocked
took me a moment
‘ well, did that make you feel better? after you’d done that ‘
the righteousness of the severely damaged
” damn right it made me feel better. no one ever fucked with me again ”
long pause
i realized i better leave
but, i don’t like to be scared away by things
i just didn’t know what else to say
he broke the silence
” no… the better question to ask me
is when i stopped hating children ”
…
‘ well, when did you stop hating other children? ‘
” two years ago
i became a great grand father
and i love that little kid… ”
the world is an amazing place
but anyway
i felt the sun going down
i felt it was time for me to get going
so i said my fare-well
and got in the car to drive home
i did talk with my sister
thought i’d do some community service and call my family and tell them to see Fahrenheit 9/11
my sister had already seen it
and it filled my heart with joy
for not only had she seen it and loved it and found it very interesting
she’d gone with a large group of her friends
and this is in indiana!
she asked me
” when you walked out of the movie were there a bunch of people outside doing political action? ”
‘ no, but this is california, what do you mean? ‘
” when we walked out there was a lady with forms to register people to vote
and lots of other people with pamphlets and information on joining local groups to get involved in government and direct political action ”
YES!
so i took a moment and reminded my mother to see it
my sister said she’d already talked to my dad about it
and he stormed out of the room saying
” i won’t see anything by that man, he’s a communist and i hate him! ”
ah, daddy.
communist
is it still the 1950’s in some people’s world?
life is so much better in Pleasantville.
pa…
anway
the drive home was nice
i stopped by the house of some guys’ house who’d responded to an ad i’d posted for local bears in the area up here
and they were nice and everything
but watching “queer as folk”
and the TV wasn’t turned off while i was there
and i always take that as a bad sign
and
seeing that i was still a bit stoned
i was extra silly and edgy
as i drove away
i wondered what i’d ever do with people
feeling like i just couldn’t relate to people sometimes…
though they had a whole world that was considered normal to them
to me it just seemed insane
and it’s kinda dangerous for me to hang out with people like that
especially intimately
for those are the kind of people that we undermine each other’s realities
not strengthen them
and that’s what i need: support
not more battle
it’s ok for a visit
but i was lookin for some friends, maybe…
so i came home
exhausted
and just sat and watched the Sun-set
talked with Leo on the phone for a bit
and went to sleep

“as the ladies line their eyes
as the drunks make their excuses
as the talk is going cheap
i’ll be smiling in my sleep”
i really like the style of ego-maniac i am
every time i watch a movie
mostly when i read a book
i get a sense of how it’s all about me
and i’m not a teen ager no more
i’m neraly 30!
so i should be well out of that phase
i have to accept it’s just how i am.
i really liked watching “big Fish” tonight
i know i read stuff about it
and how it wasn’t so good
wasn’t as good as
or something
but people
specially critics
they just dumb
this is my political motto this year
“people: they just dumb”
and they is.
what else can i say?
anyway
i loved getting the sense it was all about me
and how important it is
to use my imagination
see
i always write about what’s in my head
or my heart
or my fingers
or my hair? i really don’t know
but i write about stuff that happens in my life
an it bores my friend Eli
(he’s obviously the love of my life: i write about him all the time… or he’s my doppleganger, which means he’s my evil twin, or my most loved brother.. the object of my affection… or a smokey reflection of me)
i remember him once being interested in a story i sent him
and he said it was interesting
just because i made it up
liked it that i used my imagination
now
i’m always trying to cut through the fog
to get things clear
make them honest and real
i’m a scientist!
but the world is made of imagination
and trying to get to the bone is just silly.
Silly!
i’m obsessed with Smoke and Mirrors
Stephin Merritt wrote a song about it
and Neil Gaiman named a book of short stories by it
and tim burton is really into using it in his films
them
they
POOF
my friend Jim bought a copy of Smoke and Mirrors in Powells
up in Portland
he asked me who’s the book was
it told him it was his
but he wasn’t sure
coz i’d been reading it since he brought it home
now i kinda miss it
and he’s home now in NYC
long trip!
welcome home, Jim.
but
don’t you find it funny that you can’t ever see yourself except through some sort of distortion?
2d is not you nor me
a photograph is not what you look like
nor, really, is the reflection in the mirror
or the look in your lover’s eyes
who are you? never know
the words i’m writing aren’t me
and i say i wanna get to the core
but i don’t
and that’s what it’s about
“smoke and mirrors
special effects
a little fear
a little sex
that’s all love is
behind the tears
smoke and mirrors”
“we were foolish, you and i
but that’s no
reason
to
cry
we both had a lovely Show
but that’s all, i have to go”
Yeah, isn’t that great?
i mean
just like everything else or anything
you can hang your head and cry your knife away
or you can laugh and make a celebration about it
and your celebration could be about crushing all the ants in the grass
or your milkshake bringing all the boys to the yard
what i mean to say is
the obfuscation is all there is
and we’re creating it day by day
and it’s sad to take things so serioiusly
and Thom says “lighten up squirt”
and i did
i wrote some fiction from a ficticious person
and sent it off to a friend
but i don’t usually do that
so it’s funny
i know
one day
i’ll know more about being further away to be close
coz i’m practing so much at it now
i’ll be able to tell you the truth through the lies
that aren’t lies
that are just Tales
when i get this needle out of my pocket
(see, i’m working on these pants
( a guy stopped me in a cafe in SF and asked me to make him pants just like mine
but the pants i bought were chef’s pants, and very different )
and when i sewed the first cargo pocket in
that’s as far as i got
and upon anchroing the last stitch
i didn’t cut the thread
just left it dangling there
so red against the black checkers
with that beautiful silver tip…
i pricked my finger on in the sunshine
red looks so nice… )
the pants will be made by virtue of them being a necessary prop in the story
and i remember that
how you don’t really need to take care of the details
sometimes
they’re just there becuase they are needed
and most things are like that
Do The Work!
but only what’s necessary
and everything really important will be done for you
or with you, if that’s how you feel
or do it any way you like
there’s a cricket under the bed
and i’m OK with that
but Toby is scared
coz he says they’re loud
and maybe it’ll wake him
but over his snoring?
he says a cricket in the house is good luck
but how did it get in here?
he often vaccums them up
or squishes them
he’s afraid of them
heard if you kill one it’s bad luck
5 years
(if you live that long)
today was a different day
talking on the phone
and having lemonade
and being all horny in a silly way
and reading some of books
and having stuff to do
and how things didn’t work like they were supposed to
so i had to drive
and now i’m in Ukiah
and Toby is Sleeping
and i will be soon
Too
and tomorrow we’ll watch Ferinheit 9/11 or something
and i’ll go home
but that’s just a dream
i’ll talk about it later
after it happens…
( i keep wondering if i can post-date things in here..
it let’s me back-date… but i’d really love to make a journal entry for the future )
“ask all my drunken friends…”

Today… is a different day
i said to myself
yesterday
when i had a visitor around noon
and spent a few hours with him
noticing it changed my pull to the computer
— as if the sex magic was willing that for me
i was grateful
and lay in the sun on the bed on the deck for hours
reading Arthur’s book
( a man i went to brazil with.. he’s in his 70’s now… was in his late 20’s when this story was lived… must have been in the late 50’s — amazing story of him comming to consciousness while being a missionary in guatemala… any of you who might be interested, it’s called “with eyes to see” by Arthur Melville )
getting angry at the injustices of the world
(though portrayed through a third-world context always makes these things clearer: they happen everywhere; Definately here in the USA)
but enjoying immensely being privy to his growth process
kindled my desire to learn Spanish again
and definately
to live in a third world country
somewhere in south america
where i can see people who live with the earth in a natural way and have been doing so for hundreds of years
suggest: where does this STILL happen?
i’m sure the world will tell me.
(wink)
anyway
i got a bit burnt by the sun
not too much that it was painful
but enough that my shoulders tell me so everytime i’m in the sun.
yesterday i started my lemonade fast…
[ http://www.newjerseybrasil.com/master-cleanse-diet.html — if you’ve never heard of it ]
the ammount of clarity and calm and Focus that comes from fasting is SO sweet
i recommend it to everyone…
but then, i recommend yoga and many other things and
well…
works for me.
i’m feeling great today
second day
facilitating my fast by drinking down some psyllium
and a guy i know from santa rosa came by today
his visit was sweet
and seemed very clear
— ways in which i would usually resond to thoughts and emotions were noted
but not done
i felt very free, friendly, playful and loving
whilst also being able to nurture myself how i needed.
i feel like a winner
(laughs)
laying out in the sun
i noticed a metal thing glinting up in one of the biggest, tallest trees right next to the house
i asked Leo about it a few days ago and he told me it was a TV areal from back when they used things like that
the tree grew up and took it with it
seperated the wire from the house a long time ago…
i looked up the tree
and saw the wire hanging down
it bothers me that people use nature as a trash pit
so i walked around today looking for a ladder
in standard fashion
leo had been using it and it was in the main room
though i looked a few places before finding it there: right in front of my eyes.
it wasn’t long enough, though
this tree is TALL
and i couldn’t reach the branches even with a six-foot boost
so i kept walking around
my intuition took me behind the shed…
i found a long aluminum extension ladder back there
(oh, don’t hate me, but i’m lighting a candle now to burn the moths and bugs that are flying around my computer screen)
there we go, that should take care of them
Um, i mean, i just made some Lemonade too
hmmm, with a bit of ginger.
where was i?
i got this BIG ladder
and it was kinda scary
but i told myself i don’t need to be scared of ladders
i had it firmly placed on the ground and against the big tree
but i climbed that ladder slowly
and told myself i would feel much better once i got into the tree
which
i
DID!
the tree was amazing
i have never climbed so high in such a big tree
lots of dead branches
but so many live ones, HUGE ones
strong and assuring
i had no fear she’d drop me
but WHAO
what a big tree…
up and up and up
oddly
the wire had wrapt itself around some of the branches
i sat my naked butt down
(oh, did i mention i was climbing the tree naked? i do everything naked when i can)
on a branch covered in Sap
(shrugs)
and took the time to do it right
this was all about being nice to the tree.
i threw some of the wire
trying to get it clear of the tree
and it went expertly onto the branch of a near-by Oak
DAMN!
i latter realized it would have been smarter to just throw it directly down
and then when i descended i could have knocked it down til it was fully on the ground
but i got MOST of the wire out
and when i got to the antenna
i wasn’t too surprised to noticed the tree had grown around a good deal of it
but the bulk of it was still moveable
but MUCH bigger than i imagined
and i had no way of manouvering it through those branches
even though it WAS loose
so i cleaned out the tree
because this big hunk of metal was stuck in it
all the falling needles and twigs over the years had got STUCK there in that crux
and a fine dark mulch had formed
but i knocked it all out
with what looked like Mice-nests too…
luckily: nothing living there
but SUCH a mess!
i vowed to return with proper tools for dismanteling the archaic contraption
and headed back down the tree
ONLY to be surprised by our “neighbour” Chris
( have i mentioned my predjudice against “chris”s? )
who bought the property next to ours
and has plans
but has still done Nothing
nothing but install a pre-built shed to keep his tools in
he comes by and stares and thinks, i guess
can’t fault a guy for that
but talking with him is like listening to a litany of the sorrows of those who just Never learn their lesson
told in the hemming-and-hawing style of someone who knows they are someone who’s boring the pants off you
so
he drives up and and i’m half-way down the tree
Naked.
unfortunately
i don’t really WANT to seduce him
especially not now
so i wait a moment for him to go off behind the shed onto his property
he was not in work clothes today
i knew he would not be long
maybe he’s growing something back there?
i dunno
i took my chance and sailed down the tree
down the ladder
into the house
covered with sap and dirt
(grin)
i read another tale by Samuel R Delaney
with a girl who could read minds better than anyone else
she was nine
and the pain she experienced from not being able to control her telepathy
and just hearing everyone’s craziness, pain, fears, etc…
made here totally suicidal
but there was a new pop star
who made music out of silence as much as he did noise
i loved his description of the music…
“… it’s so alive! But with life the way it should be. Not without pain, but with pain contained, ordered, given form and meaning so that it’s almost all right again. ”
in the future, pop music and noise music will merge on the radio, is it already happening?
no, i mean LESS ordered than that…
hmmm
i don’t mean to get long winded here
but you know i always am
another quote from the story i finished yesterday
“Loving someone… I mean really loving someone … means you are willing to admit the person you live is not what you first fell in love with, not the image you first had; and you must be able to like them still for being so close to that image as they are, and avoid disliking them for being so far away”
— isn’t that fucking Great?
i started reading this guy coz i thought he was Hot
and he was introduced me in a human way
a real way that i might meet him sometime easily
and in the context that he was Bi-sexual
so i was certainly interested
but i LOVE his mind too
Yum….
this gets me to my favourite topics
Mind and Love!
yeah!
i was talking with a friend yesterday
someone i LOVE a lot
someone i find REALLY hot
but i’ve never had sex with him, really
i met him just after he’d commited to his new lover
so he was monogamous
and could only tease me with his attraction, desire and beauty
so
we’re… Friends.
i asked him how his relationship is working out
he said
“oh, he’s meditating a lot…”
and i talked about how i kept getting intuitions telling me i should do that more
he said
“it makes him SOOOOOOO loving”
which brought up a whole context for me
i mean
this guy
this relationship
and what that resonates in me
how meditation is a way of becoming conscious of and honing your life
clearly choosing what you will experience and won’t
which CAN be a good thing
i’m always afraid of really yielding such power
knowing well that many of the gifts i’ve received in life have come capriciously on my part
being open to the flow of things
i’m afraid of making decisions… often
but i know that it is the phase of my life i am in
really learning how to decide
once again, i think i sound retarded… perhaps i am.
but the idea of being able to be with someone and just LOVE them and feel their love
oh.. i yearn for it so
so much that it’s scary, of course
(and the candle next to me flickers from feasting)
ah well
no conclusions tonight
just wanted to let you know where i am
love to you all
and
sleep well
(whenever you do)
OH!
i just went back to what i was doing (reading a friend’s email)
and remembered what initially prompted me to write this entry
i forgot to say!
yesterday
i walked out to the road
just to see what had really been done to our driveway…
i found Francis… he was alright
and … There was still a few Yerba Sante plants left
PHEW
i felt so happy i forgot about the stupidity of greed
and kicked through the incredibly hot dust
(the driveway had become like sand, but lighter… my feet almost dissapeared at every step below a soft powdery soil that would all dissapear at the first rains… which won’t come for months now… dirty feet on all my walks.. ah, so it goes)
gratitude and love to the plants… and the people, i guess
(wink)

so
a friend of mine named Eli
sent me an essay he wrote on God for a friend’s contest
on writing about God
i wrote him a lengthy response
and then wrote my own essay
and sent it in
i didn’t “win”
but i was the first runner up!
so i’m including it here
as well as the link to her site
http://www.surgeryofmodernwarfare.com/
She (amy) has published a few things
and really likes writers
so if any of you are writers
or like writers
you might enjoy checking it out.
til then
here’s my essay on
God.
(seems timely, eh?)
Runner-up #1:
Letter from
Dominic Sowinsky
Parts Uknown
God isn’t something I knew from an early age
I think I was scared into not knowing god
I feel we’re all born knowing everything about god
and part of the fun of living is forgetting about god
it is this distance and confusion that leads us to such creative
endeavors
— pretending to be god… trying to get back to god… trying to
create a god… [because] life is kinda dead without it.
I grew up Catholic
and the general style of christian religions is to make you believe
that you can’t touch god
you have to eat him in these special little wafers
he’s some dove always flying away
and you have to talk to some guy who’s special who talks to him
— like a game of telephone, your message never gets through
As a child
I went to church every Sunday
and was constantly told everything I thought that wasn’t rote
was “satan”
I believed that everything that happened in church was Theater
and it wasn’t until I was well into puberty
that it dawned on me with utter terror
that all the people gathered there Believed this shit to be true
It was then I weaned my mom off of making me go
and I spent a few years of being a functional Athiest
Which I found exccedingly desperate and lonely
I found god through Acid
Mushrooms
Yoga.
God was very Talkative
and pretty bitchy
kinda a control freak
trying to make me do things all the time
riddling me with guilt for ignoring him
or doing the wrong things all the time
I began to understand that this God
was just another god
just another pagan god, like Zeus or Athena
He was made to unify all the scatter and make up for everything
I became a solopsist
and believed everyone was me and I was god and god was not my ego but .
. .
long and tedious, I won’t go into it, if you know the term, you know
the story
Anyway
I lived for many years thinking everything was just me
which made relationships difficult
I hardly believed my partners existed
they got quite upset
Eventually I learned about the Love thing
Yoga brought me there
When I realized that EVERYTHING was God
and GOD wasn’t a pesonality
it was just everything
I neutered it and often called it “the universe”
or “great spirit”
or “god”
whatever, to get the point across
One of my early trips had taught me that if you ask WHY? enough
you’ll always get to a point where you cannot come up with a definitive
answer:
and that is always a great place to put God.
God is the answer to any unanswerable question
So god can be really complex
or really simple
depending on how many times you want to ask WHY
and when you’ll be satisfyed just resting on “God”
Faith.
This requires a belief
I believed that god was not really a separate sentient being
god was once one thing
and split itself into an infinite amount of creations
and until WE, as god, chose to come back together into one,
god would always be degraded and confused
But I recently realized that god is more infinite than that
but only as long as we, as god, are creating and loving
not if we’re being lazy and dying all the time
I’ve learned a lot of new things lately
Maybe this is always happening.
I started hanging out with a Hasidic jewish man
and realized that he believed in a God even more fucked up than the
Catholic one I was raised under
more judemental
and a fashion freak to boot
Wouldn’t let him into heaven if he cut his beards and payots? Had to
shave his head to show off his payots?
And all that black all the time?
Not a fun god.
I went to Brazil to escort my mother [who was] visiting a spiritual healer
who runs his operation out of a Jesuit chapel
but it’s voodoo mediumism
all these spirits possess him and [through him] do surgeries on people
pretty amazing and powerful
While I was sitting in meditation
all these beings were talking to me
It was nice
I was talking about god
kinda sad that I didn’t believe that god was a person I could sit and
hang out with
talk with
but some un-caring force that moved things around like the tide
and I felt like I couldn’t believe in an unconditionally loving god
because i didn’t understand how it was possible
so it couldn’t exist for me
One of the voices said
“it doesn’t matter if you believe in me or not: i love you anyway”
and it felt really nice
and it moved me back to thinking of my Hasidic jewish friend
the whole point of the “jesus” story
was “love”
that it was all about love
“whatever”
god said
“I’ll show you I’m just like you. I’ll be a person. I walk around and
do the things you do. then I’ll show you that you can do anything. and
I’ll show you that I don’t hate you and don’t hold you to stringent
rights and wrongs. You can do whatever you want. I don’t mind: I’ll
love you anyway. You can ALWAYS come back home again”
etc…
 
But more and more I think about what god wants from us
that is
really
what we want from us
and I know that god is infinite and can do whatever
and I also know there are a million other gods that aren’t so loving
because they were created by fears
and I know one of the greatest things about being human as opposed to
being a tree or a seal (they are barking out the window right now among
the roaring waves)
is that we get to be aware of it
aware of god
aware of being seperate from god
aware of creating, Like god
aware of creating
with god.
The power to be able to walk with god
as if it were two friends out for a walk on a country road in the sun
bodies becoming translucent
and merging
whittling a stick with a pen-knife
or looking out over the hills and re-shaping them with imagination
and thirst: desire for a stream
Or creating a cross roads
where you’ll meet a car-crash
dead chickens everywhere and a young girl crying over her dead father
while a drunk lolls in his beat-up bronco…
Just to see how you’d feel about that
and then what could you do?
and where will it go from there?
I fundamentally believe that God doesn’t really have a master plan
that God is Everything
and we’re allowed to do whatever we want
because it’s God experiencing itself
and there isn’t a right or wrong
just time to play
to love
or kill
or sleep
or waste the days away in any way we see fit
It’s all an act of worship
and self-awareness
depending on what we identify with more
our individual egos, our national egos, our racial egos, or our divine
egos
there isn’t any real Truth
but what we make of it
Which is why it’s fun to have friends who want to create a reality with
you
and shitty to be stuck in someone else’s story
until you remember
that you’re always free to walk out
and create your own
What is made of love
accepts all that dies
and everything gets boring eventually
so there’s always time for something else
Dinosaurs or super-models
And on&on&on
Though I realize this outs me from much of society
I feel best with this belief of god right now
and it will change and grow more over time
… I think that’s happening now.

anger
seething anger.
i arrived Home yesterday
to see that one of our Neighbours
had bulldozed our drive way.
he thought he would redirect the Road.
(now, let it be said, i live on a dirt road in the mountains of the meth capitol of california, but…)
apparently
the road goes through his property
and he doesn’t live there
but wants to sell it
and thought he would make more
if he directed the road down our driveway
and then cut a path through the forest
around his property
( w h a t t h e f*u*c*k* ?)
not only is it ugly
he took the little statue of St Francis who-knows-where
and killed all of the medicinal herbs i loved
that grew there after the firemen cut the trees down for safety
and then burnt them
my favourite plants from the area grew back in those trees place
and now they’ve all been killed by this greedy ignorant fool
who thought he would “get away with it”
oh, and he broke the water-pipe for all the people on the hill
stupid!
now, not only is he stupid
but the president of our country is stupid
in very similar ways
an not only he
but people of the world in general
and not just us people of the world in general
but the history of our race back thousands of years
and what i want to know is
how the hell can God let such stupidity reign supreme?
and when did i start believing in God with a big “g”?
and when did i start care about all this stupidity again?
i’m so angry!
i’m so fucking angry!
i’m angry about everything
and i cannot escape it
the chemical haze over the valley on such a pristine beautiful day
the fact that all of the vineyards are not only pumping chemicals into the air
but stealing all of the ground water
and selling it to places very far away
the fact that this valley that i am looking out over
used to be a lush red-wood rain-forest
and 100 years ago
they cut down ALL of the trees
drained the lakes
and turned it into a desert.
STUPID!
GREEDY!
WHY?
i prayed to God
and asked him to annihilate the human race.
i talk with someone on the phone and tell him this
he tells me it’s a good thing that God doesn’t exist.
and if he does, he won’t listen to me.
which i know.
i’ve made this mistake before
it nearly killed me
it’s nearly killed me a few times
and as i talk with Leo about it through the day
it becomes clear to me:
it’s all about my Dad.
i kick my dad out of my life.
things get better
i feel retarded for being attracted to father figures and not working on my relationship with my real dad
and so try to get my dad in my life
and work on it
and whenever i do
i get really angry
and hate myself
and get sick.
shit, i wrote it perfect in an email to a friend today:
it’s the anger that makes me sick
and i’m tired of being sick for this anger
i’m tired of being sick for this self hatred
i’m tired of being sick for trying to love someone who doesn’t love himself.
i called my dad and told him i cannot have in him in my life
if he will not accept me for being gay
( our most recent relationship has been Ok…
not really great, but tolerable. but he gave me one condition:
i must never mention anything at all about being gay.)
Not Ok anymore
i call him and tell him he has to choose to accept me
i know he can do it
he has to
or i’m out of his life
coz i can’t do this to myself
i need love
and to cut it out of myself
so that he will… TOLERATE me
is such a raw deal
fuck that.
he says he cannot
so i tell him to call me back when he can accept me
as i lay on the bed outside
after having sleepishly accepted strawberries and cream from Leo
( i wasn’t thinking )
feeling nauseous from the dairy i’d not been eating for a week
(i’ve been on a fruit diet the last three days)
then feeling angry
then trying not to feel angry
then getting angry at myself for trying to control my emotions
shutting my eyes tight and trying to just let go
my eyes flickered open and looked at the stars
what’s the name of that one? “Arcturus”?
i stare up at the sky enjoying the beauty and wonder of it
my eyes get heavy
and i start to drift into sleep
when the telephone starts ringingringingringing
i jump up
and it’s my brother
whom i blather at for a while about my lap top
grrrr
and then tell him about dad and how i’m not going on the family canoeing trip
he tells me he’s already talked to dad
and how dad had a totally different take on it:
dad doesn’t want me to talk to him about Sex
dad never said the word “Sex” when talking with him
and maybe because he’s scared of the word “Sex” when it’s in context with me.
but my brother is straight, so it was safe to say
is it all about sex?
well, i’ll call him back and let him know it’s not about sex
i don’t need to tell him about about blow jobs and hot tops
but i do need to say “I love him” and that’s what’s important to me
sometimes
the morning after
like now
i wonder what yesterday was about
emotions are always an enigma to me
it surprises me at all that people know how to use them
or feel them
or be in them
or share them
or whatever
and
somehow
i don’t
other times
i understand
most people don’t know how to either
and i’m actually better at it than some.
what’s really important in the world?
just to be validated for being who you really are by people you choose to love
maybe that’s all it is
and some people need lots of validation
and don’t know how to choose who to love
so they make art and writings and web pages
and just go for love from any direction…
but it’s not as good, i imagine, as love from specific people
i’m afraid i’m not really an authority on that one
though i am a burgeoning dillantant
and someday
i’ll be able to write a chapter in a book about it.

“never again, i said, never again”
says the black man giving us a monologue at the back of the bus
he got on with no money and through the logic of the angry victim
convinced the driver to let him ride
and was still angry
“man, i’m just trying to get to work”
like
he couldn’t care enough to bring along some of the money he earns?
no_ he’s just crazy
and i’m embarrassed to be a person with him
he prattles away at the back of the bus the whole ride.
i’m heading back up to santa rosa
this time from richmond
this time from El Cerrito Del Norte
this time
via San Rafel
is the guy in the mechanized wheel-chair in front of me in pain?
he’s writhing
sitting down all the time
paul mcartney came on the radio this morning to say
“if this world of constant changes
makes you break down and cry
live and let die”
the guy in the back says
“magic johnson was the greatest
he’s a tripple double
that is, he’s got double figures in THREE aspects of the game
that three is Triple, the other is Double
he’s a triple double
now Michael Jordan is only 6’5″
and don’t get me wrong, i admire him, i’ve got a lot of love for Michael Jordan
but Magic Johnson is the Greatest…”
he’s talking to no one,
i turn around to check
“yosimetie sam was tough, yeah…”
but there is no one he’s talking to
maybe he’s talking to me…
it’s a foggy day
though the sun is broken through now, as i travel over richmond bridge
still, everything looks polluted, kinda murky
is it the tint on the windows?
i’m still sick
i got really really angry
really judgemental
projecting shit everywhere
and it turned in on myself
emotions
i’m embarrassed by them
everything i feel is unjustified
everything i feel is just for leverage
to manipulate people into doing what i want them to do
that’s the way it’s always been
that’s the way it’s always been
“never again, i said, never again”
every time i get angry i’m shy to even say so these days
it’s just me i’m angry at
it’s just me who made the mistake anyway
what the hell am i doing here?
i’m on a long bridge over this beautiful american-polluted bay
i’m heading home
home to a love i can’t receive very well
confused by sex and a bad taste in the mouth
no bed of my own
floor mat
i want
and a stack ov books
and a stack of lemons
to make lemonade out of
i’m tired of being sick
i will starve myself well
the hessidic..
no..
the hafiz: one who remembers
those who could remember the whole Koran
mmmm, the Marin Rod and Gun Club
planning to take over the new world order…
No.
aesetic?
what’s it called when you starve yourself of worldly pleasures and punish yourself for the desires of them
something like that
like oil
or acid.
i want to bring gifts of love and hope and prosperity
not this poison
that is currently making me suffer suffer suffer
i’ll go inside
and turn on the light
and clean the place up
or burn the place down.
the guy’s talking louder now
repeating things he’d said before
it’s like he’s having a conversation
‘cept he’s not
he’s holding us all captive
i feel like everyone is looking at eachother
saying “sorry”
or
“won’t someone please make him stop?”
maybe we’re saying “sorry” coz we’re not making him stop
maybe we’re all saying “sorry” because we feel responsible for him
he’s heavy… but he’s our brother.
—
i’m on another bus now
80
to santa rosa
i just changed
here in san rafel
“hello, we’re called Sausilito…”
the guy in the wheel chair is coming too
a girl asked him how his day was
“it started out a bit rough, it’s alright now”
eli called
when i was on the other bus
to thank me for all the mix CDs
— he’s got a week and half left of filming
it took a long time
but he sang me the line
“take a left, a sharp left, and another left”
and asked “who was that?”
‘ Badly Drawn Boy ‘
then he asked me where i was
and was surprised i wasn’t in oregon anymore
but i told him i was tired of being sick in a place i couldn’t take care of myself
i’m coming home so i can take care of myself
and i won’t let anything stop me, damnit.
i started prattling off all the lyrics from that very CD i’d made for him that i’d thought of today:
i wear my badge –
a vinyl sticker with Big Block Letters
adhered to my chest
that tells all your New Friends
“i am a visitor here
i am not Permanent”
the
only
thing
keeping
me DRY here
it seems so out of context
in this Gawdy apartment complex
a stranger with your door-key
explaining that i’m just visiting
while i am finally seeing
that i was the one worth leaving
–
i was bad new for you
just because
i never meant to hurt you
–
i don’t want to live with you
or anywhere near you
i want to catch you unawares
undressing in front of the window as i drive by, maybe
,
pull the night time Tight around us
and we can
keep eachother warm
enroute to strip lit kitchens that smell of gas
and potato peelings
in the subway
where the walls crumble and cover you in a fine dust
coz we haven’t got a home to go to
–
i want to repair your desire
call it a gift
that i stole
from just Wanting to Live
—
Eli pauses and says
“you’re having a lot of drama with your illness there, eh?”
and we talk about him a bit
last time we spoke i’d told him he’d often complained about how we only talked about me
but getting him to talk about him was
“like pulling teeth, as they say in the cliche world”
i ask him a question and he says two words and silence
i fill it with something
and i have lots to say about me.
so he talks about Jessica
his sister
we’re hoping
we’re praying
to be in a generous mood…
she’s got a baby
and that’s all she’s got
Jessica quits everything
everything…
she’s in culinary school
they were teaching her how to manage a bakery, do payroll, order supplies
she freaked out and said “they’re asking too much of me”
and hasn’t been back to school for a week.
baby.
then Eli got called back to the set.
now i’m on another bus
driving through a much dryer northern california than i left
tomorrow is the first day of summer
and the water is almost all gone.

Odd.
i’m sitting here in an internet cafe
different one from the last time
—oh i didn’t write from there
i’m in portland oregon now
in North portland…
been visiting Sheridan.
i’m sitting in The Fresh Pot on Mississippi street.
there is art on the walls
one of the pictures
is mainly
of the building i worked in
when i lived here in portland:
right
down
town
Boarded up to look like it’s condemned.
and in a way
You Bet Your Life it Is.
“do you feel free”
“do you feel responsibility?”
yes yes yes
alright
so i’m back from the forest
i’m sorry
it would have made sense to post it here
but i didn’t
June first was my birthday
and i went to the Wolf Creek Naraya:
an american Indian Ritual/Dance for
Two-Spirit (Walks-Between) people
[queers]
it was really beautiful when i got there
but for weeks before i had not been sleeping much
just a few hours a night, generally
and i had become obsessed with COLD
so i was at the gathering
sleeping in a hammock
in the middle of the forest ( and tons of poison oak)
i would wake up every morning exhausted and sore
and very cold
pray that i wasn’t covered in poison oak as i tromped past it over and over…
and then dancing all night
and sitting in circle all day
i was a tired boy
but i didn’t mind this
i LOVED it
well, but for the dancing
and mainly
i found i really didn’t believe them
i didn’t believe the people
and i would get angrier and angrier for subjecting myself to it
and angrier for not just letting it go
and angrier for not understanding…
when the dance finished
i was left in anger
i wrote PAGES AND PAGES AND PAGES about this
but it is too detailed
— rituals are not to be talked about.
i woke up after the last night of dancing
SICK
the rain had come
i felt homeless and terrified and stupid
and slept for three days in a fevourish fit
the fourth was in travelling.. thought hot springs would do me good
despite what the elders said
got up to portland
and added Sheridan’s magic medicine to the blend
which has even made me more space-heady
i repeatedly feel i just need to scrap everything and listen to the wind blow
(laughs)
Yeah!
where are all the meaningful things now i wanted to say?
perhaps nothing
all i know is
i prayed and prayed to be filled with love
and i’m working on it
letting myself get SO ANGRY was a defilement of myself
— also showed me i STILL don’t know how to deal with my emotions
AND
i was picked up, many times, in the arms of love
and that is always beautiful
(grin)
and what’s more
i have friends
and sometimes just thinking of them melts my heart
and i’m thankful for that
i’m really really really thankful for everyone
thanks
thanks for showing up
yeah
we’re working
right
right
damn
sorry i’m being so silly
someone throw an intervention for me
change my name
blather

lovers
i always think it’s funny when someone thanks me for being a good lover
i mean.. i’m Loving you… why thank me?
the loving should be thanks..
i don’t know
but i graciously accept it.
if i had a girl friend
her name would be Sarah
tonight sarah and i left the city and went to Harbin (hot springs)
it was difficult to get out of town
i’ve not been sleeping
you know
i’ve been staying up all night
doing stupid things
i’ve been sequencing CDs
burning them
making little envelopes
My Dear Love
(you know who you are)
i’m having such troulbe
(laughs)
i want to make a CD FOR you…
but i don’t want it to have any heavy connotations about love in a bad way
yet i also feel like you need comforting songs about love
and silly songs that play that up
and then
i also think i should give you much more credit
because i also believe you are very wise in some ways
just…
Shy.
(grin)
but i also think of you as a little boy!
Lovers…
i talked with Leo on the night of his birthday
drinking a glass of champagne
made me sick
(hadn’t had any alcohol for over three months)
made me bitchy and sad
i wrote a long piece that i didn’t post
coz it was just TOO pathetic
the night before, that’s what i’m meaning to say
Leo and i talked about my lover Robert
who is STILL very important in my life
even though he officially told me to Fuck OFF last year
and really
i haven’t really seen him much in three years
— it tears my heart out even now
thinking about him
want to cry
but there is such joy wrapped up in there
and the nature of my being
so
Hey
no throwing that away
Point!
in the long conversation with Leo
Explaining the relationship
talking about Mushrooms and Ray of Light
sex, chalk outlines, faries
patterns
leos…
i said, in a very peaceful and understanding way
that i knew that Robert had been here to teach me something
— For many years he gave me a type of love that made me want to be a good person
it changed Everything for me
when i was 15 i got dumped by my first lover
in a very shifty way
and i degraded into hating everything and wanting to destroy reality
(i’m very dramatic and extreme at times, as is my nature)
and
though i was not still in that state when i met Robert
vestiges were still around
and though Robert was no Saint of perfection
the feeling of being IN Love with someone
especially someone so sweet and giving and sexy and scared and vulnerable and Big and Strong and small
so Whole and Human (while still being very magical)
gave me the desire to build the world with love
— my rivers changed course
and for many years after i left him
i always had it in my heart
that i was loved by someone in a way that gave me a reason to be a good person
such love that made me MORE loving
because i had a reason to become so
i knew that if i could completely sort myself out
learn to love everything about myself
then the world i’m in
i could be with him
and accept everything about him
and love him.
he said i would have a great relationship
(while looking at my palm)
but not for a while yet
he hoped it was him
we both did at the time
but we were doubtful
and now
i guess i accept that it’s Over
in that
he taught me a lesson
as far as my old patterning would let me play out with him
and he will never be my Husband
he will be my Rabbit, though
definately
my Gorrilla Momma
my Walrus, Yes
not my daddy, not my boy friend
but a good friend
and
Lover
even if i don’t ever make love with him again
Love
he taught me something about love
in the past years
my occupation has been in learning about Love
have to get into fear
have to get into anger
death, critisim
have to get into cooking
massage
tolerance
patience
acceptance
compassion
Love
i have loved in many different ways
i’m learning more:
the time of my fetish is comming to an end
and just like my relationship with Robert
it will never be Over
it will just be completed
completed paintings still often hang on walls
decorate
remind
and still beautify
i will still always adore quickly and passionately the big furry ones i love so much
but Over and Over again
i find i cannot do with Bears all that i want to do
i can only be a small part of myself
(and really, it’s not that small, but i wouldn’t say i’m HUGEly endowed or anything)
Serious
i find again and again
that men i am attracted to on a purely sexual level
can only satiate me on that level
and if i look at what i want to be as an Identity
as the face of my person
i would hate my monicker to be
“a great fuck”
even though i am
i want to really exceed that
i have so many friends in my life that thrill me
take me to places i’ve never gone before
in art
creativity
nature
knowledge
…
i often find i can’t get physical with them
but i am learning
Now, i’m Gay
it took me a long time to be OK with that
even though i was always fine with the sex part
the label was a bother
but now it’s alright
but…
BUT
i have always imagined that i needed to be heterosexual
— at least have heterosexual relationships
be Bi-sexual, i guess
but i’m talking about more detail than Bi…
i had the idea for a script when i was young
about a man comming home to his boyfriend of many many years
and telling him that he’s leaving him for a woman
saying that he’d just learned all that he had to learn from being with men
and it was time for him to move on…
as if it were a growth progression like that…
like my brother said..
to go from loving the self
to loving someone different
then creating another person from the two of you to love
he termed it “being more important”
i’m more dynamic, or more scattered
to think of having things as one focal point
and
though people often think i’m straight
it’s the last thing i’ll ever be
but i want to learn how to love women!
i also want to learn how to love thin cute gay boys…
i’m learning:
it’s about Knowing them.
it’s about building a relationship with them
it’s about loving and being attracted to what’s inside of them
and wanting to appreciate that
wanting to glorify that
wanting to give to it, to experience it, to recieve from it
to share it with them.
beyond form into content?
content is not so easily recognized
it has to be experienced
gotten into
lived through
to be known
(for those of you who use this structure: it’s my ego progressing from gemini to cancer, yeAH!)
The Passion of my Fetish is very strong
so
it will never be over
it will always be nourishment
it will always be a signpost that leads me somewhere
but
Blessings
may i follow others to lands beyond that…
Oh, blather
i just wanted to tell the story of TODAY!
so late and scattered
(now and for days)
i was supposed to meet Sarah at 1
but was fiercely horny for some SF reason
i made a mess of myself trying to find something
all dissapointments in all directions
confusing to me why i do this
the town is swarming with hungry ghosts…
ate chocolate cake and cookies!
sleep deprived (four hours last night? three before? six before?)
obiously running myself into the ground
S and i move the time back to 2:30
she’s got stuff to do
as do i
but come 2
i call her and tell her i need til 3
i leave the house at about 3.
Grrr
SO angry with myself
i start my voice in my head telling how terrible i am
blah blah blah
i took wrong trains
didn’t know where i was going
had to wait a long time
tried calling other people
because i figured she’d be very angry and not want to go any more
or not even be there!
and i’d be stuck in the east bay
must find a place to stay…
but it was the middle of the day!
i couldn’t reach anyone
so
i got to the BART station at 4
(hour later than half hour later than hour and a half later than original time)
and she was totally cool
loving
flowing
Right On
i pulled myself together
we picked up some food at the Berkeley Bowl
and headed out of town
Drove
through the thick traffic
to Harbin
got there round 8, i guess
(didn’t really get out of the city mess til close to 6)
it was an amazing visit
Wednesday’s are Wonderful
very chill and sparse
sarah and i played
contact improve dance swimming
( sarah is a girl i’ve known for short periods of time since 2000 )
then i took her to the Mulberry tree
two of them
but one of them
the tree is like a ramp
an open door begging someone to come in
you walk right up it
and into its branches
heavely ladden with fruit
we climbed up into them
me
going higher and higher
stuffing our faces with the beautiful black berries
fingers stained
smudges on our faces
big smiles and full happy bellies
we sat in that tree, climbed around it
ate
for nearly an hour!
and the hot hot pool was amazing today
so sleep deprived
i melted
and in the cold
similarily
i prayed
and it was the most powerful experience i’d had…
like the time i took mushrooms at the hot spring many many years ago
i was being taught… healed… cleansed
INVIGORATED
sarah and i exchanged massage in the body-temp pool
i got SO turned on
she’s so HOT!
i’ll have to link to pictures sometime
— i was chuffed
i loved working on her:
i want to massage more of other genders…
then more hot
more cold
more swimming in the pool
walking naked in the dark in the forest
talking with beautiful people
being treated like a guru
being able to sing my songs
yarns of reality
Sure!
sarah sang her song
and we resonate
that’s what friends are for
ugh
now she’s sleeping in bed
we’re back at the hermitage
and now i’m Tired
now it’s time to sleep
but i’m glad i had time to write a bit
love and thanks to you.

so, i’ve just back-logued a little journal project i had in 2003
i met some guy on the internet who asked me
over and over and over
to make an on-line journal
and this was before i met devanand_tree
who introduced me to LiveJournal
and people had been asking me to do this for Years
so i just gave in
and did a few long email-y things sent out to an increasing list of friends
and then…
i stopped
don’t remember why.
but i posted them HERE
so you can go see what i was doing last year
in bits
if you’d like…
the last two were just emails
one i sent to my brother
the other i sent to my frien Rick, who gave me the van i drove around in
and i thought they told the story rather well
so included them
enjoy.
(oh, and i’m not exactly sure how to link to those pages the best, that link will not always be accurate… but it will work for now…
if, in the future, it doesn’t take you back to them, you can always click HERE . . . but if anyone knows a better way to do this… let me know… Thanks)