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i’m in New Mexico now
with the faeries
http://www.zms.org/
there are many things i’ve been meaning to write about.
but
haven’t made the time.
perhaps when i leave here i’ll have a bunch written to post
either way
i’ll be heading to NYC september 1st
see you then
…dominic

Sometime…
… in October
of 2002
i was in Amsterdam
— it was only for a short time
, with eli
When i was a teenager
i fell in love with films
they often had subtitles
places very far away
with situations
so poignantly real
it made life feel justified
as i had never felt it
in the artificial void i was fostered in.
i fell in love with long distance
i put my heart in foreign places
i hoped one day to be alive
[ i would record them on audio cassette
listen to them as i walked through the halls
of that mid-western high school blankess
— hearing all those words i did not know the meaning of
surrounded by the mise-en-scene
and the score ]
/
i arrived in San Francisco
as i once did in England
the similarties only
of leaving Indiana
after having not slept for a long time.
when i got in town
i felt like i had wings
open
i was soaring.
i decided to ask a friend if i could stay with him
— his emotional thick-ness and other qualities made me hesitant to stay with him
but i knew
that even through his annoying human story
he could often be real with me: tell the truth, listen to the truth, and occasionally speak the thruth.
i asked him if we could go out for a walk
i told him i need to see beauty; i needed to see life
— we walked down to castro
where crowds of people were protesting and making a scene
as the announcement had just been made that the supreme court had nullified the marriages that happened here between homoesexuals
i told my friend i just needed to see people being pasisonate
and i wanted to see beautiful people
i wanted to see people i knew and loved
and hug them
and just feel good and loved.
—-
there was a man i met here many years ago
— i had broke my best friend’s heart:
i realized that our relationship was based on love
— we loved eachother more than i’d ever known love
but our love came from such damaged hearts
the imtimacy we experienced and allowed eachother
only served to abuse ourselves
, , , and those we loved.
., , , . i broke his heart, and damaged his girl friend
upon a visit to SF, i went to see her… to appologize… somehow ameliorate…
after leaving her house
walking down Noe… i saw a man with bright clothes
and such bright eyes
selling flowers on the street
the truth and beauty… the reality in his eyes snapped me
and
had i been the kind
i would have cried into his arms
[but i am not that kind]
last year
i heard a lover of mine was comming to SF
to see his new
imaginary
lover
i wanted to show him beauty
and took him to see the flower seller
and all the flower seller had then
was anger and bitterness..
as me and my lover had grown…
—
i had… been thinking of him recently
and decided i wanted to see him again
there was another i had met, thought of recently, and wanted to see again
there was another i had never met, but wanted to see, somehow the attraction and subtle feeling was still caling me..
i did nothing, yet, about finding these people again
but on this walk, yesterday, through the castro, among the crowd and cops
they all came to me
i love getting what i want.
today
i made some phone calls
some of them didn’t go through
some of them didn’t go where i wanted them to go
but there were two people
like brothers
i wanted to talk with today
Eli and Nayland
i got through to Eli twice
and though he assured me he wanted to talk with me
(it was he, after all, who had asked me to call him)
now… Then
was not the time.
i called Nayland on all three numbers i have for him.
i called him many times
each time i reached a robot
which had his voice
saying
“you have reached Nayland…”
and after hearing it a few times
i yelled at my phone in the sunny california grimy streets
‘ LIAR! ‘
i saw the flower salesmen today
and today i wanted marijuana
he gave me some
and we sat and talked.
there was lots of stress flowing out of him
where i kept trying to steer it back to some beauty
— perhaps because i needed it so badly.
perhaps just to balance…
i looked at him
stoned and firey
and told him i wanted to have sex with him again
-[we had sex a while after i first met him back in 2001]-
because i wanted to have a fuller exerience with him
, perhaps go back into that blessing, that healing– more fully.
; i told him about how i appreciated him
how i met him shortly after i met Leo
and how my relationship with Leo and this man taking me to Glide
was what ‘ allowed me to enjoy christianity again ‘
but it didn’t seem to affect him much
he just wanted to have sex with me again
calling it ” the nasty ” or “the dirty”
and though i felt an attraction for him
and more… a yearning
i felt a severe pain in my heart
that that reality and honesty i once felt and was now seeking out
was dissolved in the sexual baseness of this city.
i came to the house
and moment after moment
convinced Pappadom
i must go out into the city
he didn’t want to
but upon saying i would do it without him
he said he would come with me.
so we had some bad Pizza at “escape from NY”
and then rented “Heaven”, a film written by Kristof Kryslowsky and direcected by Tom Tykwer
— we went to Samovar… a tea-house here
and though it was nice
it struck me
that everything i loved about Tao of Tea in Portland
was lacking here
that is: simplicity and love of product
supported by knowledge about every little detail…
as if everything here was just surface
no matter how much kindness was put into the ambiance…
we came back to the house
and it was only shortly
before we started watching the film
i had seen it before
in Amsterdam
with Eli
late in 2002
with dutch subtitles
though much of the film was in Italian
seeing that my whole life was like that at the time
(seeing so many events, hearing them… but not understanding the details…)
now was an oppurtunity for me to understand it more fully.
charecters of completely different lives coming together and finding they are TWins
and
finding they cannot live in a world built on lies
escape
(into …?)
i feel
somewhere
inside of me
i am surrounded on all sides
by crazies
… i don’t understand the world and all its lies
it bothers me
that i must acquese
i fear
getting destroyed by trying to live a truth
that… erradicates this… civilization
and imagine i can only choose…
to Escape.
There Is No Where To Go.
in that knowledge
follows the understanding
that
That Place Must Be Made.
i have known this
over
and over
and over again.
this Film
shows
not a place created
but a simple understanding that it is time to go
Accepting that
and
Going.
i suppose
one of the things
i will always be remembering
is
There are Too many things to Consider
and
like my own heart beating
i am not deciding, nor controlling
but am party to… am gifted…
Comes In the Charecter… of Faith.
Take my hand…

i actually wrote this a little bit ago…
i’ve been away from the computer
i’ve been up in the forest
i’ve been using my paper journal to make notes
of important things
i’d rather not forget
things
i’d like live through
and live with.
so
there are many even more vague sketches than this
but i’ll copy this here
to let you all know i’m back on the grid
will
in fact
be flying into SF in just a few hours
in the mean time
before you see my shining face
here’s a little thought i had:
of course
i have come to rest in my Zen Snideness
that is
razing everyone and their lives to trivial, empty, or imperfect trash
and though that gives a certain sense of security
it hits me suddenly
that
though i may feel secure in this nullifying of all these shattered fragments of myself that i meet
my true desire is to feel love and acceptance of them
to see the beauty in their lives
and through that witnessing
be able to bring the light through into them
giving them faith and furthuring their mission, their path, their love
Yes Yes
but i balance that against the feeling that i can’t change others’ lives
that i SHOULDN’T
and so i should love and appreciate them free of changing them
of bettering them
of nourishing them with love
loving them simply for the satisfaction of the universal energy being used for Love.
Enough
Basta
Enough
what is enough?

so, i’m dropping my computer off at the Mac store today
to see if they can fix it
and then i’m heading out of town with the family
up to the Minnessota boundry waters
from Ely up to Canada…
be back on the 10th or so
now…
a guy i talked with for MONTHS last year and then completely lost touch with is comming to pick me up!
going to get in some trouble
… but that’s alright
(wink)
see ya when i get back

starving
i’ve been eating ravenously
i’ve not been sleeping much
i’ve stayed up to see the dawn again today
tonight was the full moon
now
was
but i feel out of place
like something isn’t working
being around these parents
this family
what did i say to Leo?
i feel Stifled in every way
i am starving
for myself
and maybe the hunger is a good thing: a poignant reminder.
at night
when i no longer have to quiet myself for them
i come alive
and it’s all virtual
: i don’t have any friends here
“i go out every evening
collecting waifs and strays”
and on the computer
i find people i imagine i could meet
finding some comfort and solace there:
the intimacy of a stranger
such a de-compression from the supression of the family
so i need myself
and myself, when the moon is full, is more important than sleep
when the sun’s in Leo and the moon is in Aquarius
break those boundaries
go out every night
and hold on to trees
saying “yeah”
saying “yeah”
and getting it.
all my old high-school writing
and the people i knew back then
always said ” you’re more alike people than you think you are ”
and did i come across thinking i was so different?
i could say the difference was only for perspective
but it’s Harsh right now
and i remember
feeling like a total alien:
no place to call home
drifting
through every day life
through a place i’ve known forever
: still not fitting in
when i’m just like eveyone else
what keeps me seperate?
i keep floating by
and find myself in the night:
whoever it is i am tonight
reflecting the moon
the dreams in the eyes of the people
who have lost the sun even more than i have

Break the habit
or change it
let it grow
or force it
once walked the dark night streets of this heartland
to let myself be absorbed into the emptiness…
now there is a lot less emptiness
and i walked a lot less
tonight was misty wet
couldn’t see the moon anyway
though i know it’s quite full
he picked me up at the end of the drive way
we drove nearly around the block
to the graveyard
that friends and i would go to
to sit and smoke and sing and play
he and i kissed and sucked and prayed
there behind his car
and
both of us excited
kicking off our clothes
to walk through the wet grass
over the graves
to a huge old pine tree
to make love with him too
so much went through me
so many questions
with no answers
leaving me glowing and floating and happy
with little drops of wet falling through the needles onto us…
part of me just wanted to lay naked there at the base of the tree
fall into sleep
and then walk home when i woke
but i let him drive me
back to here
say good night to him on the messanger
and write you this note
to see where the next days lead us

I’m back in the midwest.
dig that.
it feels different
as it does every time
mostly
when i’ve come back here over the years
i’ve driven
i flew this time
landed
plop
right here
and it was all very familiar
but
like a person
like an old friend we’ve not seen in a while
it’s all grown up and i don’t know how to treat it…
i ran into an old family friend in the supermarket/pharmacy yesterday
( i was looking for Everclear… and following this really hot motorcycle boy.. )
found her in the Wine section
she recognized me instantly… though she’s never seen me with such a beard…
“so handsome, so handsome”
it was nice to see her
my mother and she used to be good friends
but… she has a drinking problem
yes…
Nice to see.
this old town…
stacks of pictures my mother left in my room
i was surprised to find
that for a short period
(a year or so?)
i was a fat kid.
i believe it was around my 8th year…
when i did nothing but play Nintendo forever
how long did it last?
not too long
i don’t remember being so chubby
(no recollection at all of looking in an mirror at such pudgy cheeks)
but i do remember looking down once
and not being able to see my dick over my belly
and it terrified me!
did i tell this tale already?
when i was a boy
i was skinny;
everyone else in my family was … not.
and they all talked about how bad it was to be fat
how ugly they were
etc…
yet…
they all stayed fat; got fatter.
they all complained about it
(which made me think Fat was bad)
and they all continued doing what made them fat
and doing nothing to change it
(which made me believe Fat meant you were Stupid)
i really didn’t like fat people when i was young
like most people in America, much around the world
it wasn’t til i was 19~20
(really really when i was 21)
that i noticed, more and more, that i enjoyed having sex with Fat people better than Muscle queens or skinny guys
how did this happen?
i was burgeoning in the Bear scene
coz i really loved body hair… and facial hair
that was it
and… on that turf, you get fat guys
i began to love the fat guys
remembering laying my little four-year-old head on my mother’s belly
she complaining it was too fat
me assuring her it was the perfect pillow
being wrapt in the soft arms, held against the soft chest and belly and legs
of a daddy bear
daddybear mommybear
mommybear comforted me, loved me and held me, warmed me: made me dinner and breakfast and snacks
daddybear told me to get on my knees and suck him: demand i fuck him for hours… or that he, Me
what a perfect syzygy of a person.
i would tell bears of my discovery
; they were often shocked
“what’s a guy as handsome as you doing with a guy like me?”
(when i was more short hair, more clean shaven… looking like a model…)
i found i loved all the little hairs:
antennae for sensuality
loving to be brushed by belly or lips or fingertips
soaking up the scents and sighs of pleasure
i found i loved the fecund belly
pregnant with possibility
potential energy waiting to be used
to birth a new story or dinner or adventure
Life
to hold my progeny
or such extra to share with me
An Obvious Trophy of their love of sensuality…
the eating of food food food
Pleasure through the body
Obvious to me:
they could make my body feel better
than someone so caught up in forcing their body to be what it’s not
of course
i was being too optimistic
and many fat guys don’t like their body
and only eat Shit Junk food coz it’s easy and they’re suppressing their emotions
but not All
and still.. it holds some truth
love and optimism are a good lens sometimes
comes from all sides…
anyway
i love fat guys now
to a fetish:
the thick thighs
OHHH!
the curve of the belly…
i’ve always been a sucker for big furry forearms and fingers
that has nothing to do with fat
just greek gods
(laughs)
Daddy (of all)
Where was i?
i found this picture of me being fat
imagined for a moment if i’d stayed that way…
but now i walk and stretch USE my energy all the time
s’alright
i’m not better than others:
it’s just my way.
strange being here with my family:
they all believe they are right.
i know this is “normal”
but it’s so frustrating.
am i this way?
i know i must be
but not to such a great extent
it’s so difficult to be around them
all believing they are right
so everyone else is wrong
blah
grrrr
the pictures served to remind me of many things
as lots of what i’ve been doing here has
always:
living in a world of memories
not all that attractive for me.
back in ’98
my father asked me to come back here and de-construct my room
(i had posters and pictures and cut-outs and so many things…
slinkies, christmas lights, collages: the room was a bastion against the boredom and blankness i experienced here)
so i did
and that trip
combined with when i left in ’97 to head west
pretty much completed my stage here
: i got rid of everything that meant anything to me
and anything that i left
i dis-empowered.
so this week will be much more difficult for all of them
i’m just floating through it.
however
there are snags:
i always think of a man i seduced when i was 14
i was looking through some things
and found his pictures
and looked at him
and thought >> is he really attractive? would you still want him? <<
and also thought that these pictures were taken in his early thirties… it's been over 10 years now…
(mmm, he's probably grown thicker)
and yes, he's heavier
i've had so many fantasies about him over time…
i remembered when i was living in Arkansas
i imagined the perfect dad/son sexual fantasy for me then
would to not have sex with him
us having separate lives
but wrestling every day
for an hour or more
and that wrestling being a metaphor for me working out all my issues in life
my body being defined and strengthened by this struggle with my "lover"
see: that's how most of my relationships are Anyway
and wouldn't it be great if it was all on the physical level?
Ughhhh
i don't know how to change that.
even today
thinking of him
seeing his pictures
my heart opened up like a swirling black hole
pain wringing the edges
so many mis-understood things swirling around the other side
i wish i could go into there
with him
and figure it out
un-tie that knot i made then
…i've done that a bit with him in the past
.. it was my last wrestling match with him that allowed me to stop being so afraid of my emotions and move towards them
— i know the physical act is a ritual
and that's how i work…
the day went on
admittedly
even last night
i looked up his father's telephone number on the internet
and called today
got his mother
and … she gave me his number
and talking with him on the phone
it seemed so out of place
: the colours didn't match
his wife answered the phone
and in the background
his daughter laughed and talked to him…
what was i calling for?
(how is your life? glad to hear you're not in jail… but you've not come out yet, hmmm?)
(i didn't say those things)
it was obvious he wanted to meet
although he made all sorts of noises about how much he didn't like hearing i had long hair and a big beard.
so we worked out a how and when to meet
and i felt the expectations start to build
and told him we couldn't be here
(my brother's cast judgements of him being just another dirty old man i always give myself to… concluding he would gladdly beat the shit out of him)
which didn't deter him at all
i was still thinking of perhaps just talking over dinner
and he asked me
"you wanna wrestle?"
what else
could i do?
so i don't know how that story will play out
how will this muse serve me now?
edging around my family
though we've been cleaning out the closets all day
i still feel they are terribly full

singing is a more natural use of the vocal cords
everything meant to be said
is meant to be sung
and everything to be sung
comes down to one note
and one sound
and when we get there
it resonates with the voice of god
and all is absolved within it

let me get back to documenting
just so you know
in my paper journals
i rarely ever wrote about what actually happened
the events, i mean
but i am specifically trying to do that here
so i write my inspired little thought things
and then
the events
sometimes they come together.
Right now
i’m sitting in my parents house in Indiana
but where did i leave the tale?
back in LA
waking in Rico’s house
where did that day take us?
i watched that movie:
Léolo
invited out to the bar for the sunday beer bust
but couldn’t bring myself to it
just can’t stand bars right now
and in LA?
ugh.
so i lay around, watched a movie
but had a date that night:
an old… Friend?
a guy i met back in ’97
who wanted to be my Sugar daddy
but that’s just not what my life had in store
so we see eachother sometimes
and we hadn’t really had sex in a while
the last time i saw him (just before brazil)
i gave him a massage and he paid me
Alright.
so i massaged him again tonight (this was sunday)
and the massage was of excellent style
(interesting at least)
he was exhausted
we collapsed onto his guest-bed
huge window looking out from the hollywood hils down onto the city at night
Beautiful and strange
the 101 a rush-filled artery until after 11pm..
we started talking
and i just rubbed his body lightly with my hands
introducing his body to my hands
clearing off the static
exploring him…
he talked
and mentioned a few times that night how he was ugly and no one wants him
and i was shocked
i mean
he’s a really tense guy
so tense, in fact, that he Never works out
but he’s got TONS of muscles
huge arms, great muscled belly, shoulders, legs
beautiful
mostly hairless
soft skin
very big, broad
not a fat belly
but definately a belly
so i had to tell him
over and over
how beautiful he was
and it wasn’t about his body at all
(though there was no “in” for me to explain it was his personality… how do you do that? i tried lightly hinting)
so i put myself into that space:
how beautiful he was
i became overcome with lust for him
which is really nice
coz we hadn’t had sex in years
and i don’t think i’d ever wanted him so badly
the passion to devour a person body and soul…
(in the spiritual world of “The One” you can eat people all you want: your asshole is your mouth; taking is giving: there is no depletion)
.. he lay there and received
got served
said it was the most amazing blow job he’d ever gotten
(laughs)
i LOVE THAT!
it was hot
and it really helped to get his energy moving…
THEN i started the massage
but not like i usually would
it just all kinda flowed around
came in strange order
different tecniques
very much for him
what he needed
right then
it was so late and we were both so tired
i didn’t think i’d give him a full massage
but… i did
i fought through the exhaustion
and worked him
it was great
he loved it
he drifted in an out of sleep
he was So smooth and calm when i finished
and he went off to sleep in his own bed
(after spending some time on his computer)
and i, mine.
nice waking there
to that view
a bit of yoga
.. i tried walking upstairs to get some water
; set off all the alarms in the house
Oops
i eventually had nothing to do
and just Waited for him
i looked around
and started judging things
ah
L.A.
this man
Beautiful
creative
driven…
but so attatched to things
and it didn’t feel like he lived there..
most everything on the walls and around
were all meant to impress people
or pay some debt of gratitude ( i imagined )
or remind him of the glories, little and big, he’d had
and i felt how i often felt
>> oh, if you could only just Let It All Go…<<
so there we were.
in a rush
off we go
down into town
and off to see Eli for the day
a nice Acai
and Eli…
(laughs)
i love that kid.
we went out to Rico's
he loved the garden
and i was ready quick enough
we made it to my brother's
to make some DVDs for Eli
and give me all of his movies
— now i can start making a web page for him.
my brother got back and was very ill
he'd got food poisoning from a mexican resturant
but
more importantly
had just been running himself ragged for two weeks
… since he found out he was moving
so his house was still a terrible mess
he had tons of boxes piled up
but tons more he had pack
and the movers were comming the next morning.
Louis drank some Absinth
and watched some of Eli's movies
then Eli left
and Louis said we were so antagonistic with eachother…
yes…: we're lovers.
and we went out for soup
talked
he went off to work
then we went off to see Donnie Darko
the director's cut.
it was nice to watch it with him
seeing where he flinched and laughed…
it was nice seeing it on a big screen
the audiance' response, the amazing sound and vision
but i didn't like it as much as the original
i wasn't so impressed with how he changed it
but i liked how much more emotionally delicate he tried to make it…
we walked out and i had to pee
my brother waited for me outside
the bathroom was full
the three urinals against the wall full
a big, tall guy at one of them
i wanted to stand next to him
but walked over to an open toilet
just to see one of the other guys leave the urinal
so walked back over
and there was Such intense attraction to this big guy
it was instant cruising
and within moments i was sucking him off in the handicap stall
he kept telling me he wanted to take me home and fuck me, yeah yeah yeah
(laughs)
it wasn't long
it was very quick
and we smiled
he took my cell phone number
and we walked out
met my brother
and walked to the car
five minutes of driving and talking with my brother
i felt such an odd tension with him
i knew he was holding back from saying something
(that is, i knew he knew what i had been up to in the bathroom)
when my phone rang
and it was that guy…
when i got off the phone
my brother Attacked.
What happens when we're being attacked?
(what is "attacked"?)
sometimes i fight
sometimes i fight for a while
til i realize what is happening
eventually
i work to disarm them
by putting us on the same level:
we're both the bad guy. we're both the good guy.
just as perfect and flawed.
you am i.
i try to come to understanding.
He was throwing judgments all over me
his understanding that everyone i ever have sex with is just a dirty old man using me and abusing me
evil
(he uses these concepts a lot)
i understood that he was very tired and stressed
and that most of this shit was HIS
but i got a message:
there is a time for play and hunt
and a time to be focused on who you're with
(especially if they cannot appreciate the play and the hunt)
like times with Trevis and Sheridan, the kids i grew up with
like times with Eli
kids of my generation just don't understand compulsive gay cruising
and i have always felt it was normal
spending time around guys in their 50's: it's what they grew up on
the first time i was in a cruising park (drunk and stoned at age 17 in Glasgow… oh)
it felt natural…
well.. what could i do?
i sat and felt it
listened to his anger
tried to understand myself
tried to understand the situation
and him…
by the end of the "fight"
i had succeded in calming him
we both appologized
and headed to bed
– he was exhausted and there was tons of packing still to do
so he asked me to do some while he slept
i felt terrible
played on the computer a bit
but had NO idea how to pack this stuff:
why take it?
wasn't the 20 boxes he had stacked up Enough Stuff?
it freaked me out
through the guilt of hours of not doing it
by 3am
i got a few boxes packed
and went to sleep…
the next day
it was Up Early
attempting to pack everything else for the movers
then Louis was off to the dentist
and i was left to continue packing
— the same odd feeling of drowning under THINGS
— i'd been living my life dis-associating myself from THINGS for YEARS
and here i was
in a stressful, time-pressed situation
buried under THINGS
and they weren't even mine
suffice to say
i did not do a good job of packing
and certainly not Quickly
the movers arrived
and were instantly exasperated
ordered a pizza
and the lead guy (israelie) was on his cell phone
the whole time
while his two Samoan helpers packed and lifted and carried away
Louis got home
mouth numb from Novicane
— the crown my father had made for him did not fit
and the Dentist kept him longer than suspected trying to jam that thing on
jacking my brother up so many times:
he couldn't talk.
Stressful
but i laughed
and kept packing
eventually
blah blah
it was all gone
but bits of detrius scattered around
and they charged my brother $4100 to haul all that stuff down them stairs and over to Michigan
my brother was crushed and pissed off
and i left him to peace while i went for a walk on the beach
when i got back
he was napping and i cooked him dinner
(laughs)
oh… Wait… it was That night we went to see Donnie Darko
— the past is so nebulous behind me.
it was that night we had Thai food
i entroduced my brother to coconut-lemongrass-chicken soup
— he was in love
he went off to work for a few hours
then we went to see the movie?
oh order, where are you?…
we slept
…
in the morning
he was off rather early again
headed to the office
his last day of work
lots of stuff to do.
i lay around
slept in
re-installed my operating system
(when i let my brother borrow my computer earlier in the year it went a little fuck-wacked and the CD drive is screwed up: i've been trying things to fix it…)
and got all crazy talking to people on line in my bored hornyness
Louis came back for lunch:
more curry
and then he went off
and then my samoan friend came
and though the sex was fun
and he LOVED it, the first thing he said afterwards was
"wow, that was SO much better than jacking off"
and though i understood the compliment
…
he said he wanted to take it slow and spend time with me
but was there all of a half hour…
i got back to cleaning and organizing
and then that beautiful norweigen man who i'd seen in a porn video
but was so full of life and love and excitement and yet STILL naiveté at 68 years old
i loved interacting with him in all ways
–he took me to Eli's
where i left tons of Food for him to eat
that my brother would have thrown away
and was terrified at watching him and his boyfriend interact with eachother
then off with this guy i'd met at the theater
who i THOUGHT would be so much fun
we had some mediocre mexican food
and then off for sex
let me sum it up for you
afterwards
when i was in his bathroom
shitting
and preparing for a shower
i noticed a tube of some Product on his shelf
called "Maintain"
this guy
he said he was going to fuck me all night
and gave me seconds.
this "maintain" was to be rubbed on the dick to numb it so you could last long
(hangs head and sighs)
oh, if only people could experience their lives, la la la
[i've been holding that in my head for Days… Maintain… GOD!]
he drove me back down to Louis's
who called me at 3:47am
ten minutes away from his house:
he'd JUST gotten home from work
and was totally stressed
Whoo HOO!
and though it was Last Minute
which is True Sowinski Fashion
we made it to the airport
and on the plane
to indiana.
Where was i?

the sour of the bread
having been wrapt in plastic for
how many days now
of travelling?
the sour of yogurt i made last week
no
there’s something before that
…
tell me:
where was that?
where was i when i payd 20 pence?
or 2 rand?
what was it?
was it 2 yen?
i drank the yogurt through a straw
and was made to return it to whom i bought it from
carrying around the little glass container: i wanted to keep it
but the return is built into the price
that is: you’re not allowed to walk off with it
drink it right Here.
how old was i?
i feel like i must have been 7
or 15
but not the 15 i lived through
the 15 of 50 years ago
or was i 12?
could i have been 17 in england?
it must have been
when else
in this life
have i debased and confused myself so thoroughly to be innocent to that degree?
such wonders opening themselves
through the punctured purple paper lid of a glass yogurt container
plastic straw sticking through
empty
and such a grin on my face…
i left the house Days ago
and though i’d wrapt the bread in plastic to keep it safe in the freezer
i forgot to transfer it to a paper bag for travelling…
i forget so many things…
i forgot things needed to breathe
or they ferment in themselves
turn so sour
so rancid
yet they are still a comfort to eat
at those times
when all else also feels that way
what is there to compare?
the fan has been blowing wind on my face while i watch this film:
Léolo
whatever i have in my moustache…
i’d sucked that cock
so locked up in pants
it’d gone sour as well
the cheesy-yeast smell of thighs forever pressed into balls and foreskin
musking my face
i washed it with some soap he had
and what is this now in my beard?
this smell
like the miracle compound my mother gave me to de-tox years ago
that made me have reched diarreah and vomiting every day while i took it
a sour/sweet/pungent odor
now i can’t get rid of it;
the wind keeps blowing it my face…
so many things i’d forgotten:
the family of what we deem insane
the fear of following that
the obsession of blame
in isolation
writing in the journal every day
and the little boy in this story
rips them out and throws them away every day
and is that akin to these emails?
to these journal entries?
in the film
a man went through the trash
developing a relationship with the boy
by reading his poetry
in this great trashpit of cyberspace
some wade through these scraps and find treasures
gorgeous
as life is
i culled a few things from the movie to share:
{ female voices in latin christian chorus
give way to the Rolling Stones singing
“you can’t always get what you want”
when a 12 year old boy bets the other boys
5 bucks (canadian)
that he’ll fuck a cat.
the text is: }
Tonight Buddy Godin will be late for home.
His mom will check his fingers.
She’s worried her son might be smoking on the sly.
No, Mme. Godin
your son fucks anything that moves,
his dick is eaten by disease
he swallows any pill he can
just to forget you.
That bath you force him to take
before church on sunday,
just serves him
to prostitute himself with his hockey coach.
White meat sells better.
But no, don’t worry, he doesn’t smoke.
It makes him choke.
.
Sex I discovered between ignorance and horror.
Deep down, we all knew money was just a pretext…
and that he’d do it anyway.
(the music fades into buddhist monks chanting deeply)
For betting just defanged the fear.
The poor cat didn’t defend herself.
she’d been declawed.
Mme. Ouimet took good care of her curtainls.
How lucky you are, Miliou
Tintin didn’t have Buddy Godin for a neighbour.
(the scene ends by focusing on a cross on the wall while the sound of the cat screaming is heard)
———–
Because i dream, i am not.
because i dream
i dream.
because at night, i abandon myself to my dreams…
before i’m left the day.
because i don’t love…
because i was afraid to love
i no longer dream.
i no longer dream.
—–
You my lady
bold melancholy
solitary cry piercing my flesh,
offering it to ennui,
Haunting my nights
when i don’t know
which way my life should go
i have paid you back a hundredfold
the embers of the dream
left behind the ashes of a shadow of a lie
you told me to hear.
the white serenity
minute of eternity
was a dark-haired wicked waif
who pierced my sorrow with a sharp
and sacred breast
leaving only the remorse of seeing the sun
rise on my solitude
—
“and i shall rest my head between two words
in the valley of the vanquished”
Léolo

when you read these
can you see where i’m tricking myself?
and if you can
are you able to tell me?
point them out… let me know… make it clear?
and if you can
are you able to see where you’re tricking yourself?
and if you are
can you make it stop?
or do you want it?
would you like to get together?
work this out as friends… as lovers?
is that a bad thing?
a dependance to be shamed?
or is that the preciousness which we really seek?
and if love is pulling eachother into perfection
(like cyropracting… like salt water taffey)
what is a lazy sunday afternoon for?

“a murderous desire
for love”
what makes it so i dream of robert?
such bitterness
standing with his new lover on a beach
watching the water smash against the rocks
the rainbow umbrella algae puffing in all its beautiful colours
me making a million snide comments…
“oh, when i was with him he wasn’t like that.
oh yes, he’s got ton’s of things he TALKS about doing”
grrrr
he was famous
and apparently he went by many different names
and everyone knew him
and i was still torn between wanting to be with him
and hating him for not calling me back to him with love
wanting to work out our lives and dreams together…
but
before that
weren’t we in a resturant?
me with one of my friends
and Robert’s new lover, Cliff?
instead of bitching
silently slamming my head against the table as Cliff and my other friend talked.
What’s going on?
i’m dreaming again.
Why am i dreaming of robert?
The Absinth and the movies are not to blame
is everyone in LA obsessed with Movies?
good?
not good.
not as interesting as what happened before
(and, oh fuck, what i’m going to do to myself today)
i’d gone out two days before
to meet up with a guy in Silverlake
but couldn’t get him on the phone
(i drove round and around with the man i was staying with, him telling me what LA used to be like, what used to be there, what that was; how he used to go out, but doesn’t so much now)
so met up with another instead
Thug Letters tattoo’d on his belly
“B F A”
“bad fucking additude”
but he’d just had a big sitting laughing buddha added below them
on his big buddha belly
HA!
he knew a faerie friend from long ago
Spiral
and we all had lunch together
which mostly served to make me feel
yet again
how i was becoming more and more a cynical monster (again)
(despite my wishes)
there was talk about dissapointment
but i was the winner
and it went from there to some conversation
“mother died”
“chocolate”
“best job of my life, though”
“LA isn’t what it used to be”
but where is?
they dropped me off at what they said was a really good used bookstore in Hollywood: Counterpoint
it was terrible.
so i walked out the door
and realized i was RIGHT where Russell used to live
that is
where i first came to stay in LA
across from the Scientology Celebrity Centre
Ugh.
i made some phone calls
couldn’t do anything that really felt good.
but i remember at the beginning of the phone calls
i was sitting in the shade on some steps of a little driveway
and i talked about how great the day had been
how sunny
surprise old friends
hearing the changes of people’s lives
the tale of the city
unfolding
blossoming
rotting on the vine…
by the end of the last conversation
i was walking through Hollywood (walking through LA anywhere kinda has this effect of me, but specifically Hollywood)
and getting more and more desperate and sad
to the point that i was talking with the same person
but an hour later
and telling him how much i hated this town
(laughs)
i walked into Boarders books while i was still talking
and wandered through the Sci Fi while i was ending the conversation
eventually he was asking me driving directions around Manhattan in rush hour
and saying he felt really bad not being able to be where he was supposed to be
when i pointed how he was just lying and i was over talking with him now
he’s pretty good and picking up on when to get off the phone with me
… once i’ve gone over my threshold.
i found some books i wanted
but i didn’t really want them
so i went to find Lao Tzu
found him
but his section was a deplorable mess
Tao mixed with porn and yoga and a million other things it didn’t belong with
so i started the process of collecting the Tao
organizing it
then delving into it
i opened the first one i picked up
(which happened to be the Ursula K. LeGuin translation i’d just heard about)
to Chapter 38
i opened every other book and compared that chapter
i was shocked at how different the translations were
yet it seemed they mostly worked on two paradigms
i flipped some coins
and decided to walk away with Two
poetries i resonated with in rather different structures
one i may keep for myself
one i may leave with my parents
both i want to read
i left
and found the first man i was to be meeting
had called me many times
so now was the time to meet him
and he came on so fucking heavy
hot
picked me up in his car
and kissed me while he was driving me round the streets of Hollywood
we went back to his house and had 1000miles-an-hour sex
not that it was over quickly
but the energy was so firey and fast we were burning eachother up
it was pretty hot
and fun
and cuddly afterwards
allover: Nice.
then he left me to take a nap!
What a great idea
i slept
and only remembered
that trying to get to sleep
was blocked by Tori Amos
and what was it?
i think it was “silent all these years”
– “year’s go by
and i’m stripped of my beauty
until finally
there is nothing left
One More Tragedy
you know, we’re too Easy Easy EASY
. So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts…
What’s so amazing about Really Deep Thoughs?
boy, you best pray that i bleed real soon: how’s that thought for you?”
why was this in my head?
i was dreaming
He woke me up and took me out to dinner
on the way out
he explained his cat
19 years old
he’d had it for 9 nears
inherited it from a friend who’d died.
the cat moved Very very slowly
the cat was blind
it felt its way around the house
up and down the stairs
would sit there and cry
as cats do
oh
dot
dot
dot
there was lots of conversation
and .. in the morning
he had to be off early
so he dropped me off to drink some Acai
and i started reading all the fluff around the Taos..
the introductions, etc…
and made a few calls
in an hour
one of them returned
and in another 40 minutes
he was there
and it was driving around in a car
and being told about the way it used to be…
went back to his house and did my morning yoga
wonderful of course
he sat there in his chair like he was watching TV
and
occasionally
would take a picture
(grin)
the sex was good
cuddling, loving
without making a big deal of it
long passionate sex
with a nice connection
that was what it was
on and off
cuddling, napping, sex
then stories of living
travelling
and what LA used to be like
old lovers…
as he took me to a Mexican Resturant out in Pasadena
and i ate a lovely machaca with amazing salsa
and as we were leaving
he caught off gaurd
i stepped backwards
and tripped over a firehydrant
falling on my ass and rolling backwards and up in the street
with only a little scrape on my left elbow
i’m only telling all of this
to denote the context
coz when i got back to Rico’s…
(where my stuff is, where i stayed Thursday night)
i felt kinda happy, tired, Nice.
nothing much to mention about it
but in just a short period of conversation with Rico
and having finished a new CD for Eli
i noticed my heart was wide open and sore
and was this from all the quick-and-drop loving i’d just been doing?
what was this?
i’d made a Cd for eli all about loving
and i wanted it to talk to him about loving
and the difficulty and pleasures
but i also wanted it to show-case a Song i’d recently become obsessed with:
“Clark Gable” by the Postal Service
which features such great lines as
“so i called you:
i need you to pretend that we are in love again…
and you agreed to”
upon burning the CD
and writing the title on the cd
not
“baby, i love you”
as the working title was
but
“and don’t forget to keep it with you”
which was a truncated version, that was supposed to be followed by “when our time is over”
i realized i was a coward
not only for these little things
but for loving people that i couldn’t or wouldn’t love
for all my relations!
loving Eli only in the safety of fantasy
being cruel to him when i’m with him because i was so scared
and then
just realizing i was scared
and what triggered all this off?
being around Rico made me want to be drunk and stoned and smoking cigarettes
:he’s really beautiful to me.
when i had just recently left Robert back in 2000
Rico had written me and sent me a little picture:
he looked very hot and very sexy
and in my mind then
reminded me of Robert
it’s been four years
and i finally just met him a few days ago
he’s even MORE beautiful than i thought
and there’s just oodles of things i love about him
i instantly found myself projecting into the future around him
of how i wanted him in my life
blah blah blah
i came back in here (the computer)
and started writing
freaking out
being really hard on myself
(not this writing, another one)
and i freaked out about Leo
in that i had to admit to myself that i don’t love him in the strange un-realistic obsessional passionate way that i do when i “fall i love with people”
but that
in staying at the house
that isn’t mine
and having him feel like i owe something to him for being in his life
(now, i would say i have to agree with that: if you have someone in your life they should respect you… but to be made to feel like it is owed…)
just made me feel like i had to flee
and faced with all these fears and harsh-self-judgements
i realized
yet again
that the next phase of my life
involves not only the exciting experience of not being a slut for a while and having “A LOVER”
but also
Living Alone
making my own money (which i’m mostly doing now)
and paying my own rent
and having my own place
and really
thinking
in america
the only place i would want to do that is NYC
because i wouldn’t have to have a car there
and i would have all the benifits of being in the city
…mmmm
couldn’t i do portland again?
no…
i think NYC or outside of america
certainly not LA
not SF
grrr
ok
i’m spinning
let me get back to the story
(laughs)
i talked this out with Rico
things came to light
and comfort was felt
we decided to have some Absinth
and then go watch a movie
“monster”
oh, justifications and “doing what we have to do”
oh.
i felt very bad after the movie
which i think is probably an OK way to feel
but i couldn’t go to sleep like that
so we put on “Twin Falls Idaho”
which i thought was just a crappy vehicle for post-model narcissists to play out more of their bullshit
i fell asleep
this morning
Robert
Fame and Failure
and waking to a Hard Heart.
is that what my dreams are serving to do?
return me to safety in the morning?
where i didn’t love anyone, nor feel remorse, regret. care.
just a bit angry
and ready to write about it
(laughs)
balancing
waking up
burned the CD for Jim too…
Daddy Jim
who needs his own daddy
and i wonder
oh
i wonder
how much longer am i going to be able to pull off all this loving
this trying
this loving
keep on
babe
keep on.