maybe the Art
of this celebicy
is to transform sex
into an act of loving
.iP
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if the hardest question is
" Why is there anything at all, and not nothing? "
and the second is
" why are things as they are and not different? "
I feel, again, a fool
these Whys I have not asked
my concerns were always
" how do I get put of here? "
or,
" how do I change how things are? "
the first two are given
but, as questions, repeatedly pop up at the edges of my thoughts and
actions
perhaps if I ask them more
my Hows will become givens?
.iP
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I don’t watch TV
it really disturbs me
it’s inane
often terribly repeditive, pedantic
and increasingly violent, traumatizing and stressful
I think it’s assinine that so many people program themselves with such
high-tension fears and dramas nightly
but then, I don’t understand the actions if most of society
(oh, but I pretend to)
like those people who leave the TV on all day, loudly,
as if to hear the town square in their livingroom
as if there is a society
right around the corner
of their desperately isolated lives
but that’s probably presumtious, right?
they just like the chatter, the company… the education.
in the last decade and a half
I’ve pretty much only watched movies
south park, and other Adult Swim satires
though even those rarely
this year
I’ve watched both seasons of True Blood and It’s Always Sunny in
Philadelphia
satires are fine
I get it
it agrees with me
and is often entertaining:
it’s all crazy
but the shit that passes for entertainment scares me
it’s all cop shows or hospital shows
the majority of it is people screaming at eachother and displaying how
Right they are all the time
the situaltional dramas
cop show with a psychic
cop show with an anthopologist
cop show with a serial killer
cop show in Miami, Phoenix, DC
with sexual assult
or drug smuggling
or fucking aliens
why are people so obsessed with the fucking Cops?
someone point me to some essays about this shit.
safe?
right?
powerful?
free to do bad? really that bad? but always getting caught, right?
ugh
but this is what my parents eat
and my sister
and so many people I’ve met all over the world
I fucking hate TV
(though I may start watching Dexter… or Survivour…)
but I’m a racoob like the rest of us
if it’s on
I can’t help but stare at it
I do my best to avoid it
(but I’ll be on it someday soon… serves me right, I’m sure)
anyway
what I meant to write about tonight was something intelligent about
being with my family
and understanding them through the drama they force in through their
eyes
but I just ranted in hysteria
like I saw on TV
I really don’t understand
and it disturbs me
I’m going to sleep now
and I’m very happy to be slleping in my bed tomorrow
in my apartment
with No TV
( though I do have a… room mate for a bit; we’ll see how that goes )
Hello
.iP
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(and a tiredy sinusy photo of me)
oh, I got my wisdom and perception
but more oft than not
I feel utterly flabbergasted by most of life
a few days ago
I was talking with a friend i had always liked for his intelligence
(and taste)
we were talking about a band we both used to like
how the first album was near perfection
and the rest were such trash
he said something like
" I think their market was non-English speaking european countries
because all their songs after that used all the same words from the
first record, but just reorganized so they had no meaning… which no
one would ever notice"
also in all my confusion and awe about the god we all worship
endlessly now
the god I should have known
it was clear as a mediteranean sky to him
how’d I miss that?
again
I was antagonistic with family today
I don’t want to push everybody away
no
interraction is my nourishment
but fear of future lonliness is just not enough to motivate me out of
being an unending asshole
how do I?
my understanding of celibacy comes from a Russian Othodox Monk I once
met
who told me he was so grateful
because it gave him the ability to relate to people on entirely
different levels
where before
he just wanted sex with everyone
for me
it’s just about removing that component
that option
that solution
so No
no masturbation
no sex
and even no sexualizing people
challenging, yes
but I want to not only test my will
but wonder at what will happen to me with all that extra energy
even tonight
I didn’t want to just waste time
I wanted to write
and?
and I notice I have some resentment, certainly a weariness
about being so sexual as a duty
from when I first noticed I was being used as a vessel for Pan for
parties
to my current obligation to cast my pearls before swine
and serve the unappreciative and unrecipricals
I want some time to reset
but I certainly don’t want to be asexual for long
I imagine I’ll settle into a few F-buddies
or find one amazing person I can have fascinating sex magic with and
focus on that
don’t know
not the point
the point is
every day
of difference
.iP
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I came home to visit my mother for her birthday
see the family
and one of my cousins
before she sets out for a two year stint in the peace core
my grammar isn’t well
and neither is my presentation
I got here
and got sick
sinus infection
which I had much of the time I lived here as a youth
moved down into my chest now
as I drink yoghurt and chocolate milk from our new organic creamery
…new to our town
I’m trying to show love
share in love
be here
but I also talk about my inability to love
where I need to learn
hope to god I can change
am I misunderstood
or a bad case of longorreah?
chronic asshole who needs some immodium?
I never took none
and my mind is a monster
I know
in the silence
I look at people and make judgements
in the silence
I think of old wounds I can bring up
and try my hardest to hold them back
but they find their way out anyway
like Anteros, not Thanatos, killing the live around us
finding a way to dampen spirits
tarnish even the cuteness of bunny rabbits
I do my best to recant
cover my scat
make my blessing
indeed
I say smart things
(stuck up prick)
and wise things
and maybe I’m sitting around the fire at night alone now
just because I’m the last man standing
but I have so much to learn about Being Together
learnings that can only be done through actions
I’m making my attempts
today is the first Full Day of a month of celibacy
but I’m still checking messages
taking pictures of bikers
and wondering if he’s trying to get me alone so we can…
I want that to cool, chill
a part of myself I’m full of
and well experienced in
I can let it go for a while
time to do something else for a while
some other alchemical process can be used to attempt my gold, the stone
some other method of loving
and exploring of life
some other form of nourishment
if only I could abstain from talking as well
from eating and drinking
but no
living must be done
round a full
joys and sorrows
but live myself
and fight myself
and make my prayers myself
but now
it’s late
jupiter is high
the night is cold
and the fire needs to be quenched so we can sleep
glad they saved some rain water
for these last few weeks have been dry
.iP
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i was told about a gay nudist campground south of Indy
looked it up on my phone
and drove here
lots of campers, tents, RVs
no people
I walked around a while
a stranger called me
found bunches of ripe Elderberries
decided to kick off my shoes
go down to the lake
walk off the dock
and take the little metal boat over to the sunshine
where I will read my book a while
before continuing south to Bloomington
(17:19, Wednesday the 16th of September, 2009)
go outside
beyond all structure
creation
knowing your own saturnine key
stone
code
come back
re-knitting all
all
practice
practice
perform
maintain the thread
.iP
I had a thought yesterday
while the beautiful married man told me of being molested by three uncles as a child
raped by a neighbour
thought of how
back then
homosexuality was considered an illness
spiritual, mental, behavioural
sickness
like home sick?
like love sick?
unable to be where and when you are…
unable to survive on the ration reality is supplying
yes
malnourishment leads to sickness
abuse
rape
fetishizing
abstracting
disconnected compulsions
sick
yes.
a long time healing
this county is
these people
lost, starving, sick
unable to live up to the fear and pain
unwilling to face ourselves
know who we are
against a torrent of such fierce denial
mistaking charecters as our true selves
fighting for our lies and excuses
still
we’ve got a light sneeze
aren’t out of the woods yet
I know I’m still fucking hungry
and don’t know what to do
he said he was refreshed talking to someone so bright and clear
articulate
I’d talked about this
even after saying i’d stopped thinking of myself as a healer
then talking myself in circles around it
no way out of who we are
what we’re here for
our destiny
I know
thanks to all of you who are helping as you can
.iP
“So how about it?
Show me please how I will look in twenty years
And let me please,
Interpret history in every line and scar that’s painted
There in front of me.”
I loved this song
but did I understand it back then?
maybe I did
now I only care about this stanza
years ago
years ahead
and still…
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another excert from " Dæmonomania " by John Crowley…
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