think and write to ready for sleep

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I came home to visit my mother for her birthday
see the family
and one of my cousins
before she sets out for a two year stint in the peace core

my grammar isn’t well
and neither is my presentation
I got here
and got sick
sinus infection
which I had much of the time I lived here as a youth
moved down into my chest now
as I drink yoghurt and chocolate milk from our new organic creamery
…new to our town

I’m trying to show love
share in love
be here

but I also talk about my inability to love
where I need to learn
hope to god I can change
am I misunderstood
or a bad case of longorreah?
chronic asshole who needs some immodium?
I never took none
and my mind is a monster
I know
in the silence
I look at people and make judgements
in the silence
I think of old wounds I can bring up
and try my hardest to hold them back
but they find their way out anyway
like Anteros, not Thanatos, killing the live around us
finding a way to dampen spirits
tarnish even the cuteness of bunny rabbits

I do my best to recant
cover my scat
make my blessing
indeed
I say smart things
(stuck up prick)
and wise things
and maybe I’m sitting around the fire at night alone now
just because I’m the last man standing
but I have so much to learn about Being Together
learnings that can only be done through actions

I’m making my attempts
today is the first Full Day of a month of celibacy
but I’m still checking messages
taking pictures of bikers
and wondering if he’s trying to get me alone so we can…

I want that to cool, chill

a part of myself I’m full of
and well experienced in
I can let it go for a while
time to do something else for a while
some other alchemical process can be used to attempt my gold, the stone

some other method of loving
and exploring of life
some other form of nourishment

if only I could abstain from talking as well
from eating and drinking
but no
living must be done
round a full
joys and sorrows
but live myself
and fight myself
and make my prayers myself

but now
it’s late
jupiter is high
the night is cold
and the fire needs to be quenched so we can sleep

glad they saved some rain water
for these last few weeks have been dry

.iP