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these last few days
such feelings of sacred attention
gratitude
clear intentions

to hold a glass of water
if course
to fill it with praise and intention
drink a healing brew
then, there
to feel my whole body activated with power and love
wholeness

slow yoga
full embodiment
powerful
honest
slow
present
full

already
today it’s fading

pushing flesh in the clinic
I stare at the skin twisting in my fingers
stare at the white walls
wire with glass baubles on it
and feel a missing for it already
-where did my presence go?
now I just feel sleepy

and skip emotions
to two weeks ago
months
at least two months
feeling…
feeling si sensitive and so strong
tears at every finely crafted phrase in the book
songs by kids
preceeding protection by their grandfather for their siblingly
intercourse
crying
scared by it
but so grateful to have a full spectrum of feelings
all of them so affective

oh
that’s gone too…

am I left with nothing?
being left with…

and passing past that thought
walking through the cold rain
for a moment of passion with a beautiful married man
to rest my head upon his chest
and listen to him tell stories of the intimacies and live he has with
his own children
how beautiful they are
how they trust him
know that he loves them in all full ways
practical
supportive
compassionate

and he learned to be such a good dad by flipping his own father’s loving
every corner his father cut on him
he gave to his kids a full plate
and they know it
they feel it

I feel it eminate from his chest

and I imagine my own brother as a father
the struggles he has against my dad
what an example to push off

and me
my Gemini love affair with myself
my ability to be a lover for myself
my own father and son
so yet undependable
letting down all my poor boy friends
siding too much with my wounds
and not with the healer

as she said today
I have the potential
it is a gift
as he said
it’s a lot of work

and worth all the effort

.iP

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why such a strong feeling?
hunt him down with your eyes.

heavy
I loved the way
when he sat down
he fell back into the wall
then slid down into the seat
with a solid sigh

oat straw
tulsi
red raspberry leaf
colt’s foot & damiana I found in my herb travel bag from… many years ago
skull cap
passion flower
Melissa
catnip
mediteranean sage
mullen
plantain

then
yoga tonight
starting at 6:30
finishing at 8:30

slow
slow
relax
let go
moving like seaweed on opium
yum yum yum

.iP

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we’re leaving.
an Irish priest took this picture
we just got all together
yay…
see you next week…

Quick

most people worry how fast you can put our a fire; keep it from spreading

just before I woke
I was looking through a magazine (paper? Internet site?)
of my neighbours

and was shocked to read of one
next door
who had plenty of hay
and other incediaries
packed around the place
so he wouldn’t have to worry about suffering in a fire:
it would all happen so
Quick

. . .

earlier in the dreaming

some party
or place i was living
or reality tv show I was on
or scripted fiction
with plenty of space
for improvisation
I was wearing a costume
simple
dressed in All White
(my mother, yesterday, saw a picture of me like that and said I looked good)

and I figured out some way
through electric shock
to swap personalites …
to swap bodies

holding onto speaker cable
connected to an audio amplifier at the house
and shorting it out
while…

it did it with a girl, of course
a red haired…
like Lesley, England

thinking about my now-red pubes

then, no
dark hair
a vampire

not a fiction
but confused how It should feel
not even noticing I don’t have a dick anymore
how would I feel if I looked?

and days went on…?
and Zeus…?

and I figured out the way to switch back
without the need, now, of electricity
because I had it in me
the power necessary
and she, of course…

( so strange to see my body moving around, looking out through different eyes
knowing I was Right Here
and that was Someone Else)

we did our ritual
and swapped back
everyone was amazed
I, a little, as well

we were OK
but I was so tired…
I wish I could have drank just a smidge of her blood…
I had to rest…

.iP

to find out
after all these years
that I was really Left Handed

That’s why everything has been so difficult

i’d just never realized before…

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i am an agent of mystery

and whenever someone wants to reduce supernatural occurrence
to events easily explained by science

they are my enemy

as those who, through fear
attempt to convince me why everything they don’t understand must be
controlled into homogeneous familiarity
-the contemporary truths obliterating all unknown options of history

to truely live the life here
magic must be foresaken…
must even the possibility?

now
still
I’m only comfortable living here
with ample space for surprise and wonder abounding me

perhaps I’m yet an embryo…
what fascinating creature
in what astounding world
might I be born?

.iP

I’m sure I’m not the first person to feel I lack some vital obvious link that would allow me to connect with people in a more satisfying way…
I often get the feeling I want someone to like me
and they’re not
yet they’re showing patience and tolerance as one would to someone else’s child
( is that what keeps the world going? )
and there are others that seem to like me a million
though there is still some sort of chasm between us
we smile over
and sometimes pass on

I’m sure it’s not rare
yet it is my own

.iP

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i am turning my head
into a dæmon

what of that sex, then?

falling in love?
transformation?
exhaustion?

obligation.duty.
failure?

of course!
tell the story
live it
it’s who you are

what is that feeling?
of Indiana?
of tedious obligation?
the chorus of lack-love, absent of the spark of life… only moved by the wake of its passing.

a use
a fear
a politeness
beyond the heart’s reach

death.

starts the dying in your breast
the energy seeping down
passing out

everything gunked up
foul yellow humours
settled deep in the body

yesterday
tell me
was it the needles?
or the physical action of loving?
the heat created through the bodies
smart, clever, wise that neither of you came fully to orgasm
imagine 20 years of loving with out ever crossing that gap
for
of course
that gap is what Makes the spark
gives it reason for being
keeps the yearning for loving

what if this were the recipe of a healthy love for me?
a man who I could live with many years
always excited to see his beauty
and wonder at his being

the seeing if seeds in another is an anchor
usefull
roots
to settle into eachother
certain questions always answered

but if that breeds only discontent in temperments such as me…

what if I never came again?
would monogamy be worth it
with a yogi?

what if I found my feet
very strong
and had a few men
in the age old fashion
needing to give their excess life force
because they aren’t practiced in the arts of keeping it in
but keeping it flowing
through the bodies of different dimensions

is celibacy true if no orgasm is reached?

what if he does and I do not?
is it a needle pierced through me?
binding me to his story
as he strives, triumphs, fails and falls?
we all do anyway
Vine
knitter of the forest
ample task
blessed duty

knowing the place
knowing one’s place and function

like the challenge and rewards
of giving up the ability to forget
what burdens, what powers…

still
companions are needed
benefactors and wards I am to mentor myself

oh, what a choice
what a blessing…

.iP

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oh, I got new glasses today.
new lesbian hippie librarian in town.
I’ll kick your ass, bitch.