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did everyone go home?
have i been silent enough to get the room empty?
well
we’ve been drumming up some business
well, i’ve been scouting some new talent
i’m not going to say i’m wallowing in any old pains
or make full bodies out of the bones of making any new ones
i want to explain why i’ve been quiet
i want to tell you how it was
but now is not the time for that
the fire is dying down out in the main room
the electric oil-heater in here is keeping me warm enough to be naked
and there are still some sunny days here in northern california
i can only hold my hands up as if i’m innocent
and say
‘ it was love, it was love
that stuff scares me to death
it was love and i was somewhere kicking cans in an alley
and broken bottles hitting that beautiful boy
i don’t want to feel like i’m leaving scars
i don’t want to feel like i’m poisoning the well we’re drinking from ‘
but i don’t trust the devil who’s been wearing her wings and sitting on my shoulder and telling me everything is alright
i’ve just been going along with the song because i’m tired of moaning like the junk-yard cats that are taking over the city
Somehow
i’m setting off on a journy here
being still
looking for life
beyond my searching and grabbing and wanting
somewhere
i’m going to remember the light of my center
and sit back down in it
When i kissed him
my heart poured out like a waterfall
and
whenever i feel that
what people call Love
it just hurts so much
well, i couldn’t say Just
but i couldn’t say Stay either.
Listen
i’ll do my best to make it clear
that’s not what this is about now
this is about picking the crud away from the plug i jammed the hole up with
i’m counting on a torrential flood
soon
right now i have to trick myself into at least whispers
as always
this isn’t for you, dear
it’s for me
but the more i do this
the more i can love
(and all of you anonymous fearers of love or words, thank you, thank you)
and the more i can love
the more i can be with you
and that’s all i want
not much of a life?
Girls
i’m becomming famous of my little virtues
and it’s time i do something to earn them (again)
don’t want to just rest on my laurels
(though this mountain is made of laurels, i mean it, i’d say half the trees up here are bay laurel..)
the world needs more generation of beauty
and we do it while we can
i’ll stop now while i’m unwinding
it really is time for bed
blessings
and thanks
hopefully you’ll read this in a few weeks
where it’s just a funny introduction
to something less ominous than this appears.

well, what can i say?
i’ve been… busy.
NYC
Vermont
New Hampshire
Philly
Love? Lee…
i’m leaving in a few hours for Tennessee for the faery gathering at Short Mountain
i’ll be there til round the 11th or so
so
if you’re looking for me
that is where you’ll find me.
what?
oh
there’s been this thing about love
immense comfort
so much it’s scary.
there’s been lots of cuddling
really appreciative
with lover
with lovers
beauty!
and intelligence
and… forget me not: stupidity
wrapt up the fear, twirled around
it’s been OK
it’s been alright.
today i have been sleep deprived all day
and it all seemed odd:
i don’t belong here
all of these people live here
i am a visitor here: i am not permanent
so i’m leaving
though i planned on doing that anyway
so it’s not out of place
but
so STRANGE!
for those of you who don’t live here…
there are so many flashing lights
and little rooms you can get in
that rumble
and take you across the city
now we’re at the beach
now we’re in the dark
by the park
up the stairs
lost in pizza
and some strange raw-meat dish from korea
beautiful creative people
insecure people
fabulous people
humble people
children!
men
somewhere…
pretty girls too
i am glad i’m in love with everybody
(laughs)
while i was in bed with Pop a few days ago
i realized we were all in love
while i lay with that stout manifestation of Mars/neptune and mercury
i tried to express it:
we have so much trouble getting it together
strip us down
butter us up
roll around in love
so hard to get in sometime
hey
i’m tired
and can’t begin to tell you all about it
sorry i’ve not seen those of you i’ve wanted to see
sorry i’ve not served those of you i’ve wanted to serve
there will be more
now
i’m going to the trees
to the people who are pretty OK with being crazy
and dreaming up a different reality than that which is Just being offered
clashing the regular creative cycle
but all of it is neccessary
thanks for doing the work

hey all
i’ve not posted for a while…
i know
i’ve written a bit
but not for mass consumption
i’ll catch up on a few details:
i’m staying with a friend who feels not like a trick or a hot fuck
but a Friend
not like a daddy
a Friend
i feel like a kid with him
silly
like watching tv
and Laughing!!
playing video games
and nuzzling a lot
Thankful for love and friendship
i’ve been running around NYC
the massages have been pretty good
from me getting paid more here
to just enjoying SO much working on people
loving the textures of their skin and auras
(i wrote a piece about it, but don’t have my computer on line, so it’s waiting there)
to just laying with people and hearing them thank me for bringing what ever it is i bring into their realities
i love inspiring people to fuller living!
but i also love meeting others that do the same for me
i finally met the singer(s) of a band that i love
(being specifically conscious of not being a star-fucker right now, i’ll not drop names)
and got to give the main writer some money
coz i’ve mostly just downloaded his music
(i travel: i don’t want to cary cds around…)
and the conversation with the pretty voice
inspired me yet again in a way i need to be inspired now:
To create more fully what i need!
i’m moving into a phase of creating more
and that also means reigning in my sexual energies
using them more skillfully
and more disciplined
less wastefully
but that’s also the reason i’ve not been writing
last week
i just needed to retreat and rest
and spent far too many hours
just beating my meat to the hot NYC men on line
coz i DIDn’t want to go out and have sex
because of the friend i was staying with
not that he was the hot-fuck-studd that kept me drained or anything
but quite the contrary:
i loved the energy we had
and didn’t want to confuse that
so at the end of the week
i got out and played a bit
and felt a little spun and drained
ahhh, so goes
now i’m feeling better
still not having lots of sex
but missing him as i miss my friends
my lovers
true lovers!
i am thanking love
and the moon… when i get to see her again
til then i’m just reading “Dhalgren”and it’s making me so confused:
a book where the main character doesn’t know who he is or what’s going on in a big way
i come out of the pages feeling much the same
looking at this city
feeling the apocolyptic streaks running through it
like tremors from an impending earth quake
and stagger about a bit til i get my barrings
and stagger i must!
the whole place is dancing and shifting
forever happy to see my friends
yes
still in love
(thank blessings!)
and tired:
it’s 2 again and i’m not yet asleep
so i’ll move there
but i just wanted to say hello
pass on my love
and let you know i’m in town
— call me!

so sleepy
feel like i’ve been drugged
outside the window
is a pile of clouds
which looks funny
among the languidly rolling sea of its friends
i only slept a few hours last night
and this is my second flight of the day
i just ate a big burrito
the last one made by mexicans i’m sure i’ll have in a while:
i’m heading to New York
jersey first, really
for a few days
then i’ll walk into the city. . .
but what’s been going on?
little escapades…
tell the stories.
I arrived at Zuni Mountain Sanctuary August 21st.
i got a ride from a guy i had talked with on the internet down to St Helena to do a massage on thursday night before that
got another client while i was waiting for him to get home
picked some fruit
gave the other massage
came back to his house
ate and slept
massaged him in the morning
and he drove me down to town
where i met a guy i’d talked with on line for a while who lives at Gay Ground Zero
despite himself
(laughs)
sweet guy
nice cuddling and play
and then SF hit me as it always does with talks of disease and worry and distraction
and i did my best to hold course
after my little rest and romp in bed
i went out to meet a friend of mine i’d not seen in a while
really cute red-bearded bear who’d taken some pictures of me
there is an attraction between us
but we’ve not had sex
we have hung out as friends a few times, though
so we walked through town talking
to Delores park
to sit on the hill
and rest in the shade
(though i like the sun.. he’s a fair red hair…)
There
another friend called
big red beard, but more of a sun-bear
he isn’t so cute
i just find him astoundingly beautiful
he’s really sexy and hot and stuff
but his beauty de-rails me
i sometimes forget about sex with him
or get so nervous from his beauty
that i forget about how sexy he is
we
he met us
and there i was
between two adorable men
with red beards
walking through the park
through the mission
back to the first friend’s house
nice conversation:
i nearly surprised myself
by asking them about apartment prices and suggestions
as i felt tired of treating San Francisco like a Bath-house
all i did when i was down there was massage and sex
and Misha, the beautiful/hot one
made me feel almost cheap
(but more inspiring than degrading: that quality that makes me want to be a better person)
by his talking of all the events he did
the way he interracted with his sexual groups in other life-affirming ways than just CUMMING
also a certain level of trepidation and respect that i have been lacking lately.
of course
he then followed up a comment David (the other beautiful red bearded boy) made
when discribing his neighbourhood
“oh yes, a very nice bar.. and very nice resturants… and at the base of the building is the unemployment office…”
Misha says
“oh man, if i lived here i’d be standing at the edge of that line with a 40 ouncer and a pack of cigarettes asking the boys if they’d like to come up and watch some porn”
Misha and i walked back towards the Bart
but i reminded him that the Mex in the Mission don’t exactly take kindly to guys making out in the public space
(my friend Leo got chased around and spit at after i kissed him in the same place)
AND
i fully intented to burry my face in his arm pits before i left town
so we walked over to Rainbow grocery
even though it wasn’t really necessary
i was still feeling in love with the city
so i was happy to walk around
and it made for the perfect place
among the trees in front of the main entrance
for us to chew on eachother’s beards
breath into eachother’s mouths with hungry fiery kisses
sticking our hands into eachother’s pants to grab eachother’s furry asses
and fingers in the moist hair of the pit
to taste and smell
and be followed fully by the tongue and beard
we gasped and laughed
and straightened our clothes
and said good bye
and i walked towards the castro on Market
deciding, eventually, to go to RadioShack
because i was looking for a car-power-adapter for my mp3 player
… they didn’t have one
but the salesperson talking to me was in LOVE with me
totally jumping down my throat
and in 15 minutes had convinced me to buy a digital camera
… i flipped a coin
and it said NO
but i went along and did it anyway
only to find
a day later
that the camera didn’t do anything that he said it would
didn’t even take the kind of memory card he sold to me
and wasn’t compatible with the recharable batteries
SO
…
i met up with Trey
the friend i was heading down to New Mexico with
… it took a while of preparation
in which i began to feel tired
but realized i loved Trey more and more
(he had the first ever paper-back copy of John Crowley’s “Ægypt” i’d ever seen)
we got on the road at midnight
with the little suzukie sidekick packed to the gills
with an old cat in a box
and all of us kinda sleepy
— i needn’t tell that whole tale
but i ended up driving most of the way
munching esspresso beans and drinking an “energy drink” called
ROCK STAR
it was just a little over 16 hours of travelling
and i was pretty blown out buy the time we got there
we got incorrect directions to boot
and
this being monsoon time in NM
there was lightning and rain sweeping the mountains
the road we turned on was a mud pit
and i had to drive through fast in second gear with the windshield wipers running fast and spraying fluid so i could see through all the mud splashing on the car
and it ended up being the wrong road
no bother
we found our way
set up our tents
just as it started to rain
i walked down to the main camp and said hello:
joyous to see some of the kids i knew
and happy to just head back to my tent and crash
i wrote a good deal during the gathering and just after
and have posted it back-dated round the times i actually wrote them
they aren’t so much Events
as they are things i thought of while i was there
and after:
my time near Santa Fe with Wolf…
but there was one thing i meant to write about
that i didn’t get around to
so, seeing that it’s mostly story
i’ll tell it here:
the second day i was there
i was talking with a guy named Red Wolf who attracted me by the faboulousness of his being
and up to me walked a guy who looked a bit like Tom Hanks
and instead of having a strange ole faery name
he introduced himself as “Will”
(maybe that IS a faery name…)
after he said Hello
he turned to Red Wolf and said
“did you hear there’s a guy who wants to hike up into the Notch to find some Osha?”
two days before leaving the Hermitage
i was talking with Leo about herbs
and got out my books
and was showing him stuff and encouraging him to investigate these things for himself
… my curiosity took me into reading about Osha: one of my favourite roots…
i found that it grows where Zuni Mountain Sanctuary is
in the mountains
above 7000 ft
and i made a decision that i would try and find someone to go pick it with when i got there
so
WHAM
here it is
presented to me
before i even needed try…
it was two days later when we went up to find it
Will and i… and Dream Eagle.. and a boy named Matty
the Notch is a part in the middle of a long mountain ridge
apparently caused naturally by water erosion
it’s been used for hundreds of years by local tribes for trading
the top of the ridge was above 10,000ft
so we set out shortly after 9am so we could be back by dinner: it was an all-day hike.
it was amazing
the slow plodding required by us all
not being used the elevation…
all the petrified tree we found
and other strange and beautiful agates…
four of us boys
and four dogs came with us
… whenever we split up
the dogs always split up to match the groups… it was odd
we found Yarrow and wild Rose, purple asters and wild strawberry.
and
eventually
at the top of the mountain
on the north, more moist slope, we found the Osha
not as big as we suspected it would be
but we did fine some big roots
and ate some fresh
(which i’d wanted to do ever since Bridget told me how amazing it was)
and it was!
it was like i was kicked by lightning
— i felt my body jittering and bucking
i’d try to talk or laugh or anything
but had to stay bent over against the hole in the ground i was digging
for about five minutes
just feeling it coursing through me…
Osha is called “Bear Root” by folk tradition
When Bears wake up from hibernation
they find this stuff and dig it up
chew on it
and it makes them cough up all the stuff that’s been settling in their body while they were sleeping…
and i heard that some of the tribes around where it grows
would wear it round their neck
so the bears knew they were friends
… i have carried a piece of root with me on most of my journies since i first discovered it at heartwood back in 2000…
so the bears knew i was their friend
(grin)
– – –
by the time we got back to ZMS
we were all pretty hungry and tired
and so ate
and rested a bit
… because i intended to do a Sweat that night…
an Apache Beardache sweat…
it thouroughly kicked my ass
i was so tired
but when i got there
i got all raucious
and started mouthing off
but half way through the second round
i was shoving my face in the mud and whimpering
— it was very powerful
but left me feeling run-over by a heard of bulls
(i’ll skip ahead to tell the rest of the tale)
i went into Albuquerque last saturday
and spent the night there with Will
got a ride up to Santa Fe
from a cowboy named Kelly
–he was going up for an artist’s supply show
and i wanted a ride to see my friend Wolf
… so i went with Kelly to the show
and ended up buying a bunch of pens and markers
and oil pastels..
the prospects of creating images from hand thrills me: i’ve not done it in ages
(mostly)
then met up with one of Wolf’s friends
who took me back to his place…
nice conversation
and interesting:
he had three head-dresses from the Fulnio Tribe from brazil on the wall
he didn’t even know where they came from
but that they were brazilian: someone had given them to him
(i had visited people from that tribe in Abadiania while i was down there)
then he took me over to Wolf’s for their Sweat
it was much kinder
and certainly helped me feel good
i gave Wolf a massage the next day
and cooked dinner for he and his husband, Michael
then we sat down to watch the Fasbinder film of Jean Genet’s “Querelle”
— i’d not seen it since i was 18 or so
it struck me pretty powerfully
i didn’t remember the importance of Passivity portrayed in the movie
how it implied the Strength of the character
but it makes sense to me now…
as that is what i’ve been trying to learn for years now…
the next day
Wolf gave me a session
— very different than anything i had ever received before
and during our drive back down to Albuquerque yesterday
he told me what he read in my body
he was quite surprised
though he didn’t read me this way before
during the massage
it was apparent that i was a control freak
it bothers me that i present myself different than how i really am
what a game!
me and my charms..
during my visit with the Sowinski clan back in indiana
it came up from many directions
that our family tended to deal with everything like that
“i must take control because no one can do it as well as i can…
and if i fuck up i’d much rather take responsibility for the mistake
than get pissed off at the faults of someone else”
it’s more acceptable to beat ourselves up than those we love.
Wolf also saw
that i was excellent at reaching up
… the sky energy
connecting with heaven
i could do it very easily
but was not so adept at dealing with the earth
which i had told him as much before the session
but he said it was very apparent in my body…
followed by…
staying with West:
a guy i had met back in 1999
when i left Robert with my Buddhist Chariot, Thubten
West is one of those Fellows…
Cancer
can feel everything going on around him
and works directly with the energetic nature of reality more than he does with the acceptable human story part of it
though he does his best to balance it
so we talked about an hour before he said he was ready to ground me
i lay down
and felt my body becoming heavy
and pain seeping into my consciousness
yes
the stuff i’ve not been feeling
we did a lot of work: reacquainting myself with my body
— i’d been abstracted for so long
through conversation
West said this
“ah, you’re pulling your energy up again… keep connecting with the earth!
from what i can tell
you keep pulling your energy out of your body and UP
because you regard your body as Dead”
‘yes, i regard the earth as dead, the whole human story as dead.
there is no such thing as the future
and we’re obviously hell-bent on destroying ourselves
the majority of consumption is based on empty plastic garbage
meant to be thrown away at a moment’s notice
this world is not alive: it’s dead…. i’m already withdrawing my life from it’
“yes, but the more you do that the more you make your body Dead
thus the more sick it becomes”
(which is something i figured out when i was 17)
‘ yeah, but i don’t want to just decide everything is OK and make shit up so i’m filled with life ‘
” the best lie is a half truth: you know there are many things in the world are dead.. but there is also Life in everything… and you only seeing one side isn’t really fair either ”
Ohhhh, yes.
Funny.
so i’m feeding through meet again
opening
doing my best to connect
and trying to work myself out of this place i’ve created from my anger
to appreciate the Life
a song by Pulp:
“i’m sure you had something to Hide
i took your bag and looked inside:
i was looking for Life. . .
there was Nothing inside but Merits
the same as those i keep with me
when i’m looking for Life . . .
but i’m Looking for LIFE. . .”
it’s very confusing to me
i went out into the city with West and a friend of his
into the dark city
for some greek food
and ice cream
and conversation
it was like dogs playing
biting and snarling round eachother
making jokes
Ha Ha!
you’re life is a mess!
i find things contradictory
and it’s hard for me to choose one over the other
but silly to choose both
yet it seems the only way to really be healthy.
The night went on with West going home
and his friend taking me out to one of the local bars
to drink
and talk about sex
another guy who needed a sister to talk about his attractions with
hear of my sexual escapades
i made it real for him right there
and went to play with a beautiful sexy mexican man in the women’s toilets
he was so excited to hear of my stories..
the Beauty of the Husband..
the things we suffer for love and sex and friendship
what’s better: to be free, but alone?
or to be with a love who holds you back?
smoke a cigarette and laugh
and back at the house with West
we talked until three or four, i don’t know
i was so tired
stories of re-creating the body
and why didn’t the buddha tell anyone his story for six months after he became enlightened
— he didn’t think anyone would get it
then
when he told them
he was made a teacher for the rest of his life
and the vedic master said
“any blessing i TRY to give you is a curse: all i can do is speak the truth for you to hear”
his brother who had noticed the Zen being of the world at age 4
had killed himself last year
with a sigh
he showed me pictures of him
saying
“he was a bear: you would have loved him”
and he was right: this man was SO beautiful…
and his father too
even in his late 80’s
a robust man with a big beard an a light in his eyes
eventually
i was falling asleep
and i did
drifting into dreams
as West explained to me the problems of the comming ice-age
and the re-birth of the world that will be poluted with toxins of ours
but i didn’t care at that point
i passed out
and woke after only sleeping a few hours
i’ve been feeling burnt out all day
so now
i feel better
for having written it down
in mid air
when i land i’ll be in New Jersey
and a step closer to understanding something about loving
armed with the memory of my body and existance
the rules of the game
and a little bit of my hearts desire
oh.. i’m so tired
see you when i wake up

Each man kills the thing he loves
da da da
-dada
–dada
When i was just a boy
Younger then than this mix of man/woman and child i am now
i wanted to be a sailor
blessed of the high seas
of solitude
and cold winds
Faggot lover of Querelle
a million lovers around the world
never needing to even make an excuse why i wasn’t staying
all the while
desiring the cold hard love of death and being taken
the strength of passivity
the knowledge of a true friend
given up all
and set out to sea
to know a husband is just a story to me
but i sit in that nest now
loving
daily gifts
calling him “baby”
hallmark relationship
one man to another
neither of them me
but with my prick poised at the gate of his body
head just under that shelf of softness
the pause gave me time to understand
i would never take that from a lover
no feeling of lust is worth it
and i could get off
my cock pressed firmly into his root
the pulsing and the heat
the connection
just not the moistness
though i know i could enjoy that
as the perpetrator
he lacked the shock and wave of having me inside him
but he could still feel my heat radiating through him
soft pale milk flowed
covered in oil and sweat
collapsing
satisfaction just the same
a week with no love making
ended after a sweat
with thunder bear
no feeling of entrance
just the wrapt tight embrace
bodies building sweat
swimming into eachother
the breaths louder and gasping
shuddering in to him
to go out and piss under the blaring full moon
poor boy trying to sleep next to us
i know what pain that feels like
the sweet sorrow of isolation
in presance
Each man kills the thing he loves
Each man kills the thing he loves
da da da
-dada
–dada

Heaven and Earth are not kind:
The ten thousand things are straw dogs to them.
Sages are not kind:
People are straw dogs to them.
Yet Heaven and Earth
And all the space between
Are like a bellows:
Empty but inexhaustible,
Always producing more.
Longwinded speech is exhausting.
____Better to stay centered.
( Tao Te Ching, Chapter 5)
Once Upon A Time
i agreed with this
and aspired to the be the Sage
reading it today
made me pause:
i have had the gift, these last few weeks, of being held in simple loving
that is
much of my anger and confusion has subsided
to a form of clarity about what must be done
and my feelings therein
as well as a base of unconditional love and forgiveness
(with, of course, the human highlights of judgments… but they’ve been passing like t he wind)
a part of me wonders what my relationship to the Christian paradigm this has
i am curious
because of my trip to Brazil
there i felt a loving embrace
and since
have been walking in friendship with … Christ
not that i have gone to church yet
Even my love for Leo will not move me to attending mass in any regular manner
but i feel
in part
this love
comes
from
respecting each and every individuals’ lives
with love
(if even not intimacy or interraction)
Though, i suppose this chapter does not exclude love
it’s not that Tao excludes love
it’s that it functions beyond that
i must say i love the idea of functioning beyond humanity
yet i have great desires in the human realm
perhaps that is my crux
because
the growth i have experienced in the last few years
has grounded me much more in my humanity
that is
i no longer just want to be a lone wizard attending to the needs of the reality as it shifts
i feel the longing to be a lover with another
(perhaps many, but deeply and truly)
THAT requires existing on another plane than just Spiritual
and
indeed
that desire has always been in me
it’s only recently i am not frightened by it to the point of pretending it’s not there
it is only recently i have been embracing it so fully and
feeling the warmth of that embrace
flowing into it to make it stay
to make it pleasurable
to get past my bullshit and baggage
to another
and rest in love
what better vacation or retreat is there?
many of you may have love that you can rest in
cynically, i doubt it
but it may be true
i’m still moving slowly
to be friends
to understand
hear and feel you
perhaps, my dear scarecrows
i will discover a way to dance with all of our hearts

i had a dream
secret societies
murders
end of the world
some stupid rip off from “Angels and Demons”
why it would whip back and hit me tonight
i don’t know
but it was funny
not so sinister
i infiltrated the stronghold
and it was more like a stage set
all the real ancient props were seemingly cardboard
or… not that cheap
just not well made; very little aesthetic
It was Nayland
he’d thrown out the old Throne
replaced it with an amazingly strong looking Iron one
was it soft?
the king’s ruling place looked more like a CEO office
surrounded by castle
i saw him there
no, he wasn’t
i saw him walk up the stairs
i walked up the other to see if i could surprise him
: he was completely shaved
no, he wasn’t
and he didn’t walk up stairs
he walked across the dusty yard
castle walls now chain-link fence
he went into the modular double-wide
and i sat on a platform overlooking the junk-yard listening to the dogs bark
wondering how i was going to get to him
somewhere
somewhen
there was a party
for the end of the year
underground
in the castle’s caverns
Nayland was the host
big suit
and beard
(Occasionally he’d have a shaved head and face, though, his eyes globular and sleepy)
when he came in and found me on the bed talking to the girls
he smiled
and said it was time to go
so we all piled into the car
i don’t know where we were going
something told me to wake up
if i really wanted to get to him.
I was amazed
just how bitchy i can be
Arthur (i’ll call him that, i like it better: it’s such a beautiful, powerful name)
has big thumbs
big toes
big veiny feet
the nails broad
the calves even veiny
the skin loose
as if he had once been bigger
but was now not
but not that
it was that he had once been hard
and time, like air, made his exteriour less dense
.. but, let me get back to me.
the whole situation with him was
as long as i kept myself expressing myself freely
he was connected to me
— i let him know i wanted him
.. i didn’t know why i wanted him
Something cool about Faery space is
we challenge eachother not only be honest all the time
but to question ourselves and be clear on our motives
:
did i want him for any reason but the pornography of my desires?
and maybe the boy he had on his arm didn’t have a fetish for men like him
coz that boy kept kissing me too and grabbing my hand
but was that because his Man wanted him to?
did we do it to please daddy?
where is my true heart?
slammed up against that wall
i wondered what i was doing
why did i want him
Thumbs
Calves
soft/strong/boyish/manly/playful/animal face?
large veiny flacid prick?
stocky past glories and present attention?
not just his body pulls me so strong
he has energetic presence
do You know what i mean?
to touch
and feel the waters flow between us?
to breathe with eachother
the light coursing up the spine
and back down into the toes
through belly to belly, chest to chest, mind to mind, cock to cock
the soft warm strength of the hand hold
Angry
or
feeling Entitled?
Envious of the two of them together at every moment
holding hands
arms around shoulders
needless to say
sleeping together
exchanging energy
no doubt physically
but in the same way i felt it with him too?
probably.
THE S&M play party was not as bad as i thought it was:
while i was in there
it was pretty chill
He beat the boy
grining and grrrring and then the kissing
the possessing somewhere in there
— to be taken in hand
while the majority of us
were standing and staring
holding space
at the two celibate beauties
boyfriends
piercing eachother’s chests with hypo-needles
while cutting the skin with them into the shapes of OMs
while laughing in ecstasy in eachother’s faces
slamming foreheads together
licking tongues
kissing
laughing
talking in voices
coursing
coursing into and through eachother
not exactly 50/50
but in the balance of waves..
i walked from there edgy
feeling the power of honing your rage
walked through the night
not so cold with this flaming core
but went to my tent to lay down anyway
and from there
heard a fight break out from new-kids on the land
one boy chasing the other
screaming in a voice sounding surely demonic
he was probably a neophyte possessed by one of the unleashed spirits from the play party
they pummeled eachother
a ragg night
i was angry early
it passed
White Dragon nearly bit my head off
then we and the girls worked eachother with leather and needles
and then this
well good
i went to sleep
spent the last day in appreciation
and leaving
pictures
and a severe happiness
thankful in heartcircle for the mercury retrograde
returning me to the feeling of Simple Loving
“sometimes
everything is
easy….”
i could still cry
i could still feel
i could still think
and i could love
loving around town
only a little fearful
only a little angry
but with clarity
and it wasn’t just the gathering
it started before
but there i was
now here i am
waking on green sheets in Albequerque
seeing where the next few days will take me before heading to NYC
Yes
.. there are still a few things i need to catch up on
but… til then

Girl:
it’s amazing how much attention you can get when you’re wearing a dress
the mornings here start with howling and orgasms
she leads masturbation circles
she chants her mantras when she cums
she pulls up the juice of her life with her little finger
and wraps her will around it
pulling her into the day
she shares this with her friends
we all share what we have here.
i was laying on my back on the rock wall
i wasn’t naked
my skin was a bit burnt
at 7200ft
the sun is so close
it’s a bit harsh
i was talking to White Dragon about all the work shops that were happening
and how we were or weren’t going
how it was too much
or not enough
he said
“i arrived after the second sweat
and the general energy here was
‘ i’m so tired! ‘
so i got tired”
another guy looks at me
and says
“when are you teaching? everything about you says ‘teacher’ ”
and i don’t think i’d really even had a conversation with this guy
it freaks me out a little
in that HighSchool kinda way
how people talk about me when i’m not hearing them.
“we were wondering what it would take to get you into makeup”
“we’ve been wondering what’s up with all the boy-drag you’ve been wearing”
[they say this because i’m wearing my checked chef’s pants and orange cross-tartan button up shirt instead of a dress]
Every day
i’ve been walking around
having small conversations
looking people in the eyes
looking away
and walking on
short
i am a man of short relationships
i’ll be there for a minute
in a minute
i’ll be gone
i keep wanting to change this
it is the way the wind blows me
a few days ago
i was standing in circle
(before dinner)
and saw a familiar face across
some boy i wanted to love once
who is that?
my eyes are weak sometimes
my imagination spins
and there’s a round of names
i say
‘vine’
and he says ‘mind dancer’
and i remember…
When i was at short mountain
he approached with Storm on his arm (yes, the X-man)
quiet and smiling
something happened
and i was sucking his dick
(laughing, naked in the sun, in the garden behind the house)
Storm, later, told me watch out: stay away from her man.
i, not being someone who likes to create drama between lovers
or possessive queens
stepped back
knowing that
if he wanted me
he’d come get me
having enough emotional oceans to swim through with meeting Goat and seeing Robert again
but i’m getting away
from
Yesterday…
i spent the evening with him
talking
caressing
— i was so thankful
my afternoons this last week
had been filled with warm naps in my tent:
so bright teal-green that the sky and all else looked purple from the simple after-shock of my burnt-out eyes
computer or no, i would work myself through desire and examine it
as orgasm wracked my body quietly in the desert
surrounded and supported by the juniper trees
whistling the wind
and now
the desire for sensuality even was hitting me heavy
and with such a beautiful man…
we lay and cuddled for a while in my tent
and he went off to sleep alone
:just arriving: i understand that:
the next day
i’d noticed Star Child in the periphery always around him
and i was off to the Zuni pueblo to see the Eagles in their Sanctuary
… it was beautiful
amazing to see them stalking around
and hear their strange squeeling yelps
…
i also got to talk to some natives
and bought some fetishes:
two bears and a badger
by the time i got back
Star Child had affixed himself at Mind Dancer’s side
and
similarily with Storm
i didn’t want to press, didn’t want to create drama
it was apparent to me
that he liked being possessed by a female
a quiet strong man
hmmm, how attractive
i noticed i felt pulled to him whenever i was around him
i gravitated to him
i liked this
but that there was this kind and friendly female boy on his arm all the time
which.. in a way, i envied
that handsome man, his strength and softness: such a nice prize
what kind of friend? i didn’t know; couldn’t know through all his silence
all i knew was i wanted him
body and breath
but i am not a player nor a fighter
i just began seething in anger
as has happened many times
why can’t these silent strong men CHOOSE?
they must be chosen… it seems so contrary…
yet, we are Queer
and isn’t that our nature?
Last night was a ritual trance fire
i got there after the talent show
(he lightly brushing my arm and thigh, but wrapt up in his boy
while Romeo leaned against me, me against Trey, all of us sliding down and uncomfortable…)
i just cannot get what i want sometimes
and cannot give what others want sometimes
and not like the loving meat in the sandwich of a three way between lovers
but unsatisfied and unsatisfying
i came into Juniper to sit with my computer and journal through all of the people i’d had sex with in the last year
sifting through emails and pictures and writings
burnt out after three hours of compiling the past
(with intention to use this as a project to balance intention and energy
and understand even more clearly what it is i do with my love and loving)
i walked out of the house
the cold mountain-desert wind biting through my dress
(frock really, it’s not frumpy, but certainly not sexy)
i walked quickly up the path to the main house
listening to The Original Sinnergy singing to the moon
fat and yellow and heavy
melting behind the mountains
i blinked in the light a moment
and headed to bed
to jump into my mummy bag and die for the night
listening to the tattoo of the trance fire down the valley ricocheting round the trees and rocks
i woke to the same sound
same beat
amazed
and blazing in the hot rising sun begging me out of bed
i shuffled around angry and distracted most of the day
but when in conversations with friends
and my computer
but eventually
it hit me back
that things
just
need
to
be
Expressed
when i saw him
i just walked up to me
he opened his arm
to wrap it around my hip
as i put my lips to his ear
and said
“it would be nice to spend some time together”
and turned and went off
Release
little games proceeded
but the rules were this:
if you want me
come get me
a pat on the ass as you walk by
is not enough
and am i more attractive to you
now that i am in this short black skirt?
i’ve never made myself a woman for a man
though i have
often enough
made myself a little boy
diminutive attraction tools
i’m Amazed!
i told a part of the story to the audiance in the night performance
and the actors on stage played it out
girls grinding their hips
moaning
and flipping pages
scribbling it out
singing to the moon
dancing around
laying down
to sleep.
now they’re in their with ritualistic S&M beatings and bondings and bleedings
— i heard the screaming start just a few moments ago
time to walk through the cold night air one more time-
i’m leaving the land tomorrow
for Albequerque, right?
we’ll see where the next few days lead us before heading to NJ…

i remember a time
the second faery gathering i ever went to
i got a ride with a girl i knew from Heartwood
she and another
to meet her boyfriend in portland
we stopped in Cresent City to buy some snaks
got a bannana
and even though it was organic
it felt Dead.
the life-force up at Heartwood was so High it was shocking
so noticable
i gave a demonstration
we held the fruits
and opened up and poured energy into them
filling them with life
so when we ate them we wouldn’t be filled with dead.
arriving back from town to this mountain today felt the same way:
get used to focused high-intensity life energy
and the “normal world” just feels tiring.

Ahhhhh
i feel so much better now.
Nori rolls
and Rice Pudding
warm and thick and ready for sleep…
i was just telling someone
how my first few years of gatherings
i was very extroverted
raised by the energy
driven…
and now
i can only take so much
and then must go hide again.
and all day i have been thinking of Protection:
i don’t want to be protected: i want to exist in a realm where i need no protection.
however, back in this reality we all share…
my first few years of gatherings i always had lots of protection on
Hematite and many other gems
magickal garments of many sorts
i’ve buried them, given them away, or lost them now
still always holding the conscious desire NOT to have protection
but it’s becoming much clearer to me now:
to keep myself how i like to be
i must protect myself
i like to remain very sensitive
so
around many disruptive energies
i must have filters
like in highschool
i wore lots of Black:
a great way to cut of the energy that actually reaches us…
but my technique now is more on par with letting the energy flow through me
and retreating when i need to re-balance myself.
it is not fully satisfying
but then
neither were the tools of protection and filtering:
which kept me much more together
but cut-off in a way from what i was experiencing
yet… i feel like that now anyway
perhaps that’s just me…
much more skill needs to be put into what i choose to interact with
and how i choose to do so
this, of course, will become clearer when i am living accoring to my will and intention more clearly
thus things will naturally follow in flow of what is good for me
“driven like the snow”, eh?
well, i wonder…
break these chains and . . .
am i willing to give up such sweetness?
(i’m getting cavities…)
how is it serving me?
answer!
oh, i’m so tired: i must sleep.

What goes on?
waking.
thinking of what Fang sayd:
“i strongly believe that an orgasm is the best way to start the day”
why?
so you don’t spend the day looking for tail?
to fully awaken the body?
now… i know she cums as a form of magic
she does it as a form of prayer and play
she cums with intention.
Yes!
Yesterday
one of the hottest images i saw
was of this big bear on top of another
he was gordo, yes
but strong
the muscles along his spine were like pythons arching up his back
his big butt down on those thighs
a beautiful icon
— i lost it somewhere on my hard drive
(hrmph)
but upon looking for it
i found other things
to get off to
this morning.
it didn’t help me feel good
for days i’ve been feeling cloudy
spacious
like i’m mostly made of air
and not even air filled with light
maybe not air
maybe just emptiness
which is a really bad medium for feeling anything in.
i floated around
made tea for myself (damiana, oatstraw, rooibos, and some yerba sante)
hugged
talked
discussed how beautiful it is to have porn (that is, hard cocks, etc) adorning the walls as a form of beautiful accepted decoration
and the shifting of the earth’s poles
that it was a theory
or was it scientific fact?
i remember seeing in the Natural History Museum in South Africa
a map of where the poles had been since the jurassic period
along with different rock specimens growing in layers SHOWING the effect of the pole shifts
up here in America it’s still theory.
Hm…
i went down to the Shamans 101/401 workshop
and said
yes yes yes
and listened
and got into it
but didn’t go where i could go
i couldn’t go where it was going
cold and frustrated
(something locking up in my hips)
i left
looking for some chocolate (which i’ve still not had)
instead
i found Red Wolf, who’s birthday it is
and he offered me some healing work.
blowing, rubbing, shaking and holding
he worked me over for at least an hour
i was shivering and jittering
it was he
but also the ferocious wind blowing
the sun darting in and out of the clouds
i was hot/cold often.
when it was over
he told me the story of what he saw in me
around my head
there was the image
of a tall and strong black man
carrying my limp body
as if i had just been washed ashore
Strong Beautiful Black Man carrying me as if i weighed nothing at all
as if he were a Saviour (the word was used)
around my eyes, down in my heart, all the way to my cock (most of my body, that is)
was the story of a little 5 year old girl
beautiful
with thick blond curly hair
staring out the window
mournfully
waiting for daddy
daddy had been abusing her though
coz she was so beautiful
he couldn’t help himself
and she began to wish daddy would get hurt as she was feeling hurt
and daddy got killed
she thought it was her fault
and then was stuck feeling guilty
and powerful
and caught
in the pattern
the rest of her life
(exercising her beauty to get abused by those seemingly more powerful than she… though she was really the one wielding all the power)
a familiar story
and this guy didn’t know me at all
guess i was wearing myself on my sleeve again
“it’s not a bad thing”
he said
“but it’s been driving you for a long time
and you could find someone to end that pattern with and bring your power back to yourself”
Yes.
but HOW HOW HOW?
once again
he assured me that
even though i felt lost and helpless
i was aware of the situation
which was a step in the right direction
and better than most
and i would be fine
just keep working at it!
Paying attention!
—-
a boy here
Aletheus
(greek: A= not or un-, Lethe= the river we all drink from when we come back into this life to forget the past, us= the male form; he said there were many forms of this name carried into modern times {Alicia, Alice…} but they were all female…)
i find very interesting
and i sang him the song “how to disappear completely and never be found”
for this line mainly
“that man: that’s not me
i go where i please
i walk through walls
i float down the Lethe
i’m not here
this isn’t happening”
then i told him of the other song
“2+2=5”
where he screams over and over and over “you have not been paying attention”
he just found out he’s “positive” … and keeps forgetting.
just what will we do about it?
in the swirl ov everything
my mind streatches out to the furthest regions i know of
… looking for ancestors
i find Nicholas Coppernicus
who comes from the town Sowa in Poland
— my name-sake.
Coppernicus, i believe, was the first man in history who put forth the idea that the Earth is not the centre of the universe
though
if i remember correctly
he retracted it
it was Gallileo who got in the most trouble for it
either way
imagine a reality where we are all that is
where we are the centre of it all
and imagine that changing
to the Sun being the centre of it all
… s’alright
the sun shines down
and then…
another day turns
and we find the sun is not the centre
the sun is a little speck way out in space
on the edge of a big arm of a crazy galaxy
lost in the immense eternity of it all
where does that put us?
and in this perspective
this conversation about Lethe and Attention
(earlier yesterday in the barn
i grabbed Aletheus and Wonder
as Wonder was saying that he didn’t believe things like Astrology
thought they were kinda stupid
and Aletheus was trying to figure out everybody’s everything through the charts
i pulled them together in my arms
jumping around
saying
‘ anything and everything we do is either to get attention from someone else
or to Give attention to someone… none of them are Important or Mean anything: they’re just games… we play them because we love eachother… and we want to touch, to interract… the basis of all language (or anything) is “pay attention to me! pay attention to me! I LOVE YOU!” ‘
we laughed )
amid the conversation between Altetheus, the Original Synergy and i
we came to the crux of living a life with no meaning
(i guess this is what i’m getting around to saying)
and how this was the biggest threat to health and happiness in life
but doesn’t it seem odd to manufacture a reason to live
just for the sake of being alive?
earlier, A and i had also talked of death and dying (before he told me of his recent discovery)
and i remember making a comment like
“i don’t think you’re a better person just because you can stay on the planet the longest: it’s not a contest. i think people should feel OK about going whenever it is they want to go. there are many other things to do in the universe than what can be done here…”
of course
there are things to be done here that… can only be done here.
sometimes i want to be here a thousand years
sometimes
i could blink out tomorrow.

”
it’s the thrill of control
like a blitz-kreig on the roll
”
(such horrors hiding inside)
(our own type of drama)
[drama]
segment of today:
i noticed Bumble Bee had raised his hand as a healer
(sometimes i’m amazed by everything)
and wondered what kind.
i saw him at the smoking tent
and thought to ask him
but felt stupid
or just too spacey from the ganja
so just told him i was feeling tired (and this served as reminder to myself… as i kept trying to do more and more things)
because of the elevation shift.
He told me he’d felt the same way and took some Molasses
— all the iron in it helps to oxygenate the blood
Ah! a healer.
(laughs)
—
marijuana seems to be just making me sleepy and disconnected
i don’t think it’s good for me
(even though it DOES remind me to do yoga in the best of times…)
[smoke less!]
right. smoke less.
—
i accidently pronounced myself “vyne of the eagles” today
i meant to say ” of the owls ”
but
stoned.
in a conversation with Balance
it lead to his inviting me to visit a near-by Eagle sanctuary
OK.
he also gave me a picture of two eagles from this same sanctuary (still tucked in my written journal) when i sat next to him at the Naraya
—-
i wasn’t feeling horny at all
i lay here in the tent trying to nap
— heard people fucking around me
to the west
to the north
i opened the lap top
and it was only a farce
i kept moving it back to big fat bears
over and over
til
there i was
watching a little movie preview
and i came
old habits die hard
[“just try to kill them harder”]
—–
all too often
i am forgetting where i thought things
why i thought them
who i was with when i had that conversation
where or when that even was
—
when i am stoned
or sitting in meditation
or thinking…
i’ll sometimes notice that what i’m doing is very bad.
bad sex.
i mean
i’ve been having too much sex
sex that isn’t really good
nor good for me
though it’s fun
or whatever
it’s not really Great nor nourishing
— i’m losing my standards and awareness
(grrrrr)
i don’t know what to do about this.
i see people that have totally lost their deliberation and awareness
and i certainly don’t want to emulate that
yet i’m slipping
in the back of my mind
there is a little crew who have woken up
though they are tired and often feel their work is fruitless
they are telling me
reminding me
doing their best to steer me
but i sometimes think they’re bitter
and just say and do things out of frustration
—
right now
the door to anything useful is blocked
or lost.