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wednesday was the day i often meet up with my friend Paul Brown (bigredpaul)
to do a massage exchange
we both enjoy long massages
so i work on him for about 3 hours
and he returns the favour to me
however
i’d had too many nights of not sleeping enough
so i let myself sleep in
and didn’t get to his place til about three
and then another hour and a half passed before we got on the table
the massage was great though
and we headed off to dinner
nice Thai food
i introduced him to Som Tum (green papaya salad)
and then went to catch a bus up to Sutter and Leavenworth
however… i don’t wait for busses
i walk along the route until they come
and this bus never came.
(as often happens to me in this town)
still, i eventually got to where it was happening
the Cantebury hotel
— there was scheduled to be a National Anthropology gathering
but the Hotel strike in SF lead them to cancel it and re-locate to Atlanta
— however factions stayed on in SF
and these, who i were meeting up with, were the Two Spirit Native Americans
my friend Clyde Hall was to be there
but when i got to the room, he wasn’t there
his brother/sister Laney Thom told me he was in the smoking room
which quite surprised me
but
true enough
this hotel had a smoking lounge in it
(i thought that was illegal in california?)
there were a whole group of Red Indians who had been there for hours
drinking and smoking
laughing and telling stories
obviously happy to be all together again (old friends)
the rest of the patrons in the room faded out as the night waned on
the last non-indian couple started to get up to leave
saying, in heavy Glaswigean Scottish
“well, at least we can say we’ve met some real American Indians”
which sent the Injuns flying
they all gathered around and talked with them
Clyde went and fetched Laney and a bag of hand-crafts to sell to the tourists
i sat on the plush green leather settee
watching this scene
and had the feeling
yet again
that the injuns had a gentle sort of gypsy act going on
turning up the charm
and offering the goods
with a subtext i read as
“you people came here hundreds of years ago and you’re still coming and we’re going to get everything out of you we can— til you’re gone for good”
then another elder walks in
she’s near 80
and has a tall beautiful blond girl with her
and the injuns turn on the blond
showing her moccasins with price tags well above $300
beautiful bead work
such luscious smells
of the brain-tanned buck-skin
smoked with a variety of woods to a rich brown
the blond girl kept putting the boots up to her face, nuzzling her nose into the leather grining out through her eyes talking of the smells of her childhood
he gave her a discount
and gave me a beautiful belt-bag he made himself.
buck-skin is so soft.. brain tanned… so soft…
there was an injun there who was teaching at IU in Bloomington!
Indian from Indiana!
i got some good stories, found out a bit more
i had the intuition that “Indiana” was named so because it was a Reservation
but
of course
those were back in the Territory days
and there were no Reservations back then
Still
i was “right”
Indiana was the Indian Territory.
even to this day, there is only one rez there, really, and it bleeds over from Michigan
there are three “homeless” tribes there.
anyway
He didn’t have a place to stay that night
and another friend of theirs who lived over in Oakland was kinda drunk and it was late, so she was coming home with us as well
it appeared i was going home with us as well!
to stay were Clyde and Laney were, with their friends…
we stagged down Sutter street to go find the car
and i was talking to the Yurok (northern california tribe, by the oregon border) guy about those scottish women
he told me he always respected the Scotts
for some reason
he thought the Irish just folded to the english
(i didn’t correct him on that)
but the scotts fought and never caved in (kinda)
still he said he always respected the scotts
and i told him about the lover i once had
“Pittenridge”
cherokee, chikasaw and Scottish
“i bet he was a good man”
‘yes, he was’
we found the parking garage
made quite a noise looking for the car inside it
but found it
and
crammed into their station wagon
seven of us winding through the city
drunk and excited
having to pee
cramped in
my leg was going numb
and the house was full
but Clyde had other plans
so we went off and rented a hotel room
and made magic all night
which was wonderful
i was the undulations of the milkyway
he was a horse; i was a horse
i was a jaguar, he was an eagle
flying down onto me
in my dreams that night
so many things happened
i was out in the fields
in a forreset
living with my friend
he and i…
one night…
sleeping next to eachother
a Hawk landed next to his head
dark feathers with white highlights
bright red under the wings
he started pecking at my friend’s head
i turned and picked him up by the claws
and held him
telling him not to do that
it was NOT OK with me
he pecked at my hand repeatedly
ripped my thumb open
but i wouldn’t let him go until he understood
then i opened my hand and he flew
then
worried about my hand
i looked
but the thumb had already healed
into a purple scar
… i looked up at the sky…

in the morning
we got everything together and i led the injuns down to where they were sitting on a panel about gay native americans and AIDS… and other topics, i guess
i took them to the Indian (dot indian, not feather indian) resturant i often went to with Leo in the days we’d meet up at My Place to suck eachother off before he went home to cook dinner for his lover Michael…
after lunch
i walked them down to their meeting place
all day
they kept calling me their Shirpa
and when Lewis
was here last week
he kept calling me his Shirpa
guiding him
showing him
leading him through the mountains and forest
guide guide
will make my future as a guide
all the shirpas that i am
yoga and massage and sex
herbs and food
and animal prints
the trails
walking people along the tracks to some other vista
some place i know how to get to
how to take them
regaurdless if they’re listening or not…

and it’s been a while
tired
for many reasons
[not one of them sleep]
doing yoga
working towards exhaustion
and falling into it
into love
where all of a sudden
everything Was Love for a moment
and even my father loved me
warm
and
falling
filling up the room
and in the warmth of it
it was all so easy , so clear
>>i should buy him a present<<
and i should carry this around
and i should give this to everyone
and what better could there be to do?

i left the hermitage with Lewis Saturday
early that morning
i’d made a big vegetable broth
and then had a massage client
a Japanese guy
really sweet
he was 38
and just started having sex with men three weeks before
he wanted to hire me for a massage
coz he really liked my personality
he’d picked up on guys from Craigslist
and said it wasn’t really what we wanted…
i mean
he could fuck these guys
but there was no connexion
no cuddling
nothing sensual or tender
i told him
‘ welcome to gay sex in the city ‘
then proceded to give him a three hour massage
and cuddling
but we didn’t get out of the house when we meant to
a little late
always
as us gemini boys can be
down the hill into Calistoga
Lewis wanted to shop at this Indian store
where they had shirts
selling like hot cakes
of four indians holding rifles
with big letters saying
“HOMELAND SECURITY:
FIGHTING TERRORISM SINCE 1942”
which, i had to admit, was very funny…
even more so
because the people who ran the shop were SO white
so white that the woman had a european accent
even though she was all dolled up in indian drag
and the white guy behind the counter
i overheard him saying to one of the suckerpatrons
“yup, i just went down an bought this off the rez…”
For how much, sir? what’s the markup youbastard
but Lewis bought his gifts for friends back in Turkey
and we headed down the Silverado Trail as the light dissapeared over the horizon
but we arrived in SF pretty much on time to make the bear party
Trey comped me in
but they were short of Fives
so i gave them two
and was So tired (coming off four days of fasting)
i just cuddled up with Marty when i introduced Lewis to him
Lewis was so excited: a thin healthy man!
he started smoking pot and i barely saw him the rest of the night
i
however
saw Thom, Urso’s red-bearded friend
sitting on the matresses against the window
he told me he’d had his eyes lazered
which made me wonder if Urso was sad that he no longer wore glasses
coz i know part of Urso’s turn on is Nerdiness
then another guy named Tom sat down on the other side of me
and i cuddled and talk ed with those two
til Red Tom got up to go play
and another guy i knew, Ken
sat down
and then there was all sorts more of cuddling
licking
nibbling
how great is that?
to see all these beautiful burley boys walking around
whilst wrapt up in arms and beards and legs and bellies?
it seemed to go on for quite a while
i got up to get a drink
and saw my friend Wade
(uncut guy)
i docked with him and did a wonderful front fucking thing for nearly an hour
kissing, connecting, writhing
LOVELY
but not cuming…
i went over to sit by the window again
and this very Daddy guy i’d played with before
and stocked around the Castro once
was sitting there
i cuddled and played
just holding on to his cock and smiling at him
and when it got around to me sucking him off
it was full body connection
i came without even touching my cock
the same time he came
i love that!
that over-whelming force that drives the body
hungry and gasping
extatic and falling into arms
smiling
and what is this
life?
i lay there a while more
cuddling some other guy with a nice white gotee
and some south american guy with a huge cock came over
and lay on top of me
with another two guys on my left
huge romping ensued
three hours barely moving and so much touching, feeding, nourishing and cuddling
beautiful
the party went down hill from there
as it always does
but it was still great to see other friends of mine playing
watching beautiful fucking
the moans and screams
the rythms…
beautiful men
cuddling
bristly hair
bellies
i was so exhausted
and there was this beautiful man
Oh
Vincent!
(laughs)
how can i discribe such a perfect belly and chest and furr pattern?
eyes and beard?
best not you
you’ll have to meet him
but Marty was on Acid and took him to bed
and Lewis was so stoned
distracted me
i missed giving him my address i had written out for him
… still in my pocket now…
but i did get to bed
though i only slept a few hours really

on the way down the road
i think
somewhere in the chatter
my mind murmured out an idea
:>>
perhaps some believe the perfect society will be when there is no other country but ours
no other corporation but ours
no other religeon
nor colour
nor culture
just US
we will all say “We”
—
i then wondered if that was what the book “We” was about…
old Sci-Fi novel said to have been the precursor for “Brave New World”
////

Standing
i’ve noticed many times over the last four years
that i stand off-kilter
that is
i seem to put more weight on my left leg
keeping the knee straight
tilted hips
bent right knee.
i’ve thought a lot about it
is it that i am disconnected from my feminine energy?
my Yin?
my reception?
it’s taken a while
and i think i’ve come to understand it now
this year i’ve been noticeably doing it less
consciously willing it so
and noticing it so
today
i noticed it strongly
(that i was doing it, rather)
and it clicked in:
i am not receiving.
closed to reception
channel becomes hard
only useful as pilar
not tentacle nor grass
more like trunk of tree
not like dancing boy
why’s this?
my lover of sky and storm
told me last month that it concerns him that i am so comfortable being around people who devour me
and he’d like me to spend more time with people who feed me
(we feed eachother, he and i)
the situation i’m in now
i feel more like i’m being devoured:
this man is so hungry!
we all are, really
the earth has so many beautiful things to feast on
and i am a specific nutrient, i am
rare
and only some enjoy the taste
and those that do
are often starving for it
the imbalance of this is
when i am around people so hungry
perhaps i am scared by this? this lack… this hunger…
i shut down reception around them
… perhaps i feel they will sneak in through my Yin channel and drain me?
(old fear)
don’t i have saftey valves against this?
— i feel i must be on defense!
like performing too much at a faery gathering or living in community
must retreat
forms shell
keeps me safe
but also seperate
less fed, nourished, connected
fear
stopping life
makes for stone
still
tilted hips
hard left leg
stand strong
spread wide
balance
recieve
give
get on with it!
thank you love.

maybe there it’s early
maybe you’re awake
had your first mug of coffee
(only a splash of scotch)
i’ve not gone to sleep yet
and decided i should dial-up
just to read the lyrics to a song i once loved
“only not
to be of use
— impossible”
i just finished watching “Some Like it Hot”
coz i’d never seen a movie with Marylin Monroe in it
and…
Jack screamed it at Tony
“not Tonight, Josephine”
which brought back the ideas of such a long time ago…
longer, before me
was Napolean refusing wife to his sex
(and how did that line become famous?)
Tori used it
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/toriamos/josephine.html
and i did too.

so
i have this guest here
he’s been here two days
though it seems like forever
and though i had just written a plea for teachers
i feel like much more of a teacher here
ah-zo
guess i need to practice what i’m preaching:
Slow Down
Listen
of course i’m learning a lot
through is example
(and what comes through me)
but i’m doing InStructing!
he’s very New Age
hasn’t really lived in the USA much over the last 20 years
so has very fresh excited eyes;
i wanted to show him the beauty
we went to Gurneville/Rio Nido/Forrestville last night
to stay with some artist/friends of mine
visit some faery friends of mine
and swing through the happening nightlife..
Yesterday was Samhain
the midpoint between the autumnal equinox and the winter solstice
the point when the viel between the living and the dead is at its thinnest
All Souls Day
the day of the dead…
halloween
we celebrated it with Crow
storytelling and ritual
it was beautiful
releasing and connecting
feeling very vulnerable
and safe…
afterwards
Lewis (my guest) and i
headed into Gurneville to check out the bars (his desire: he loves the Eagle)
and go to the Russian River Resort to do some Karoke (i sang the song “Laid” by James)
and then soak in the rather sexy hot tub in the back
ah… small town gay mecca.
the sexual energy was pretty fun
both L and i were having a good time
but i spent my last 45 minutes in there hugging
connecting
flowing
kissing
messhing
undulating
being in love
with some guy i had seen sitting at a bar stool an hour before
and told him i was going there
— it’s where he was staying
and he was so so so so sweet.
that’s the kind of thing that ONLY happens to me in CA
the energy of the land
somehow makes it easy for those of us who are here
to just melt our bodies and merge
(which is also what annoys me about SF — people’s boundaries are often kinda sloppy because of this)
no cumming, though
just love
and exchange of emails for later
i was walking down the street with L afterwards all filled with love
and in the middle of ranting to him about this
as we were approaching a group of guys on the sidewalk
i said “and sometimes i just want to touch Everyone!”
some very hot, tall, stocky bear guy said
“you can touch me”
and i jumped over with glee and wrapped my arms around him and buried my head in his chest
He pushed me away and said
“what the fuck are you doing, faggot?”
and i felt the energy immediately
went with the flow of that push
and kept on walking down the sidewalk
he was yelling behind me
“i’ll fucking bury you! come back here and touch me again, faggot! COME ON!”
walking….
Gurneville IS a small town
with plenty of rednecks
but the only times i’d ever been there
it’s been SWARMING with gay men
THOUSANDS
up from SF and everywhere else
Lazy Bear Weekend
it’s a Very Gay Town
… and i’m sure that makes the straight red-neck locals really angry
especially at the end of the night when they’ve been drinking…
my mind coalesced on it:
a group of guys standing in front of the only bar i didn’t know on the street: the straight one.
they would have loved to have beat the shit of me together…
i grew up being beaten a lot
by individuals and groups
and i’m not a fighter
though i have confidence now that i could kill a guy if i needed to
i’m not Master enough to take on four
especially not big bucks like that
and i also know how to just walk away
with that confidence
and not be afraid
he got in a kick with his big booted foot
left a slight bruise on my ass
i felt today
as i hiked for two hours through the redwood forest…
it’s funny
in all the years i’ve been attracted to men like my father
and MORE
the rednecks
the hunters
the truckers…
i’ve never made the mistake of crossing that line
though i’ve always been afraid of doing so
being engulfed in love
and two glasses of bourbon was enough to make me forget
and imagine
for just a moment
that it was easy to just love everyone you saw
i LOVE that!

ah
so it’s official!
i’m terrified of intimacy!
who would have thought?
does this happen to everyone?
i was thinking about it one day
and then Leo and i were laying in bed together
and he kept KISSING me and CUDDLING me
and i rolled away and laughed
he reached for me
and ever time he touched me
with utter LOVE, ov course
i would shudder and break into hysterics like i was being tickled
it was tickling me!
and of course
this doesn’t happen when i meet someone for the first time…
—-
there was a man i fell in love with in Germany while i was there
(and i haven’t fallen in love in a while now.. i’ve been in love… but you know.. falling is different… swept off feet, stuff like that)
the sex was amazing!
it was mostly all about laying on top of one another
licking and kissing and nibbling
but there was hardly even any dick sucking
it was more just the full body contact
the heat, the smells
and the chakras opening up and aligning and flowing
got me very high
very wild
very happy
but he freaked out
he said
“i usually only have sex with somone once.. then can’t do it again..
even my lover of 8 years… i only have sex with him once or twice a year”
that, of course, freaked me out
and the longer we were friends
the less intimate we became
—-
i was talking with a man on the phone last night who grew up in germany
well, til he was 13
then moved to Oklahoma, where his father came from (his mother was german)
and left to be gay as he got older
the gay meccas around america
but would always go back to OK coz he liked the people
he was a little confused with how gay men act
getting together and having sex in the middle of crowded bars!
bath houses! Sex Parties!
argh!
yet
when he moves to the bay area
he rooms up with a 75 year old from eastern europe
and is
yet again
“he doesn’t really keep them around for long… they come in and stay for a few hours and leave… i don’t know how he can do that”
which makes me think of an interesting man i met a month ago of 62
grew up in NYC
and had sex with 12 people a day pretty regularily for 20 years
and has a penchant for picking up homeless guys
which doesn’t include a lot of intimacy
well, plenty, of course, deep and everything
but temporary
and that’s all.
which brings me back to my own 57 year old friend who also grew up in NYC with similar sexual habits
(minus the homeless, more into the married)
and most of my lovers have been in a generation older than mine
and i wonder if it’s given me a model that now i’m living with
and no wonder kids of my generation are astounded by how i deal with people sexually
it’s been scared out of our generation
is there more intimacy in the way they behave?
the long getting-to-know
or the quick-jump-into-soul-mate?
San Francisco…
where i percieve (*almost) everyone as having this strange relationship to intimacy that’s So Very Addictive
you meet someone and open up into them and pour like a river into a canyon
and they look at you with stars in their eyes
and say LOVE LOVE LOVE
and ask you right away all the questions they need to know
so they can keep you happy til the end of their days
as opposed to my time in europe
where they would have sex with you
as if you were a blow-up doll
enjoy your piss or leather pants
or the fact that you even existed and had a cock (or hole) in the black spaces in/ontopof/around bars
but to get someone to come home and lay down in bed with me
or to take me to their home
was near impossible
(well, i’m specifically thinking of amsterdam, but it holds true for some other places as well)
Intimacy
i thought i was so good at it
but it comes again and again
that it freaks me out… in prolonged doses
— i always rationalize it
“HomeoStasis: if i spend too much time with him all my energy will flow into him to balance us out and i’ll feel as tired and stressed out as he is — -DISTANCE!”
or some such tale
or
like my recent sojourn into love
i would lay next to him and feel at home
i would kiss him and it felt like my heart was being used in a way it was unaccustomed
pain would burn through it
but then, like opening to a good
well…
the pain turned to a pleasure lined well and beautified with the pain
and overthrew me
yet most of the day and the time we kept eachother at mind’s length
or some occupation
Distance slapping into togetherness
which i always think is healthy
Lover, darling, spend most of your time with me being yourself
doing what you do
and leave me as i am
when it comes time
every night
every three?
every two months?
i’ll be with you fully
i need to be alone
so that i have the capacity to be together
so i’m a hermit…
for a few days at a time
give me a few days or weeks
then come visit me
and i’ll be happy to take you in my arms…
hopefully
in my solitude
and visitors
i can rework my emotional model.
any one want to give me some good modes to work with?

Sometimes i wonder if i’m just bad at this living thing
or if i’m missing the whole point
shouldn’t i be out there in the thick of it trying to sell myself for all i could possibly get?
perhaps that IS what i’m doing
i’m just not going for much
OR
that’s not what i’m doing
i’m just looking for a trade
equal shares
not trying to rip anyone off
or
up the ante
i’ve always been a bad gambler
some of you can contest…
but i look at some of these faces
the billboards
these glossy prints
and i feel like i’m missing the point
Or
feel awkward
like walking in on someone fucking a stuffed panda bear
when i just wanted to tell them lunch was ready
what is it we’re doing here?
anyway
come eat, babe
you’ll starve if you keep that up all day.

“…the caterpillar, at a certain point in its life cycle, becomes a voracious, overconsumptive glutton consuming everything in sight and within reach.  At this point in its evolution it can eat hundreds of times its own weight, and the more it consumes the more fat and sluggish it gets.  At that same moment of developmental excess, inside the caterpillar the imaginal cells begin to stir.  Imaginal cells are specialized cells, and in the minority, but when they connect with each other they become the genetic directors of the metamorphosis of the caterpillar.  At some point in the caterpillar’s feeding-frenzy stage, the imaginal cells usher in the process in which the overconsumptive caterpillar becomes the “nutritive soup” out of which the imaginal cells create the miracle of the butterfly.” 
 —Elisabeth Sahtouris

Wow
that feels good..
hold that a moment
hold that
put it in your heart
and let it melt there
flavouring the whole thing.
I got back to California a week ago.
Leo and i went out to the coast
and back and forth and back and forth…
from city to mountain to shore
to wedding to shore
to mountain
somewhere in those long drives
conversations came up
there was a placid destructive anger in me
speaking of my lover, my friend
the bastard leo-snake beauty my heart was so burned by
i spoke of wishing him ill
over chinese food i detailed over and over
trying not to
but just wanting to hurt him
such anger
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhu
today
back on the mountain
i am going through old files
from Leo’s computer
that litterally went up in smoke yesterday
pictures from ICUII, a camera-chat program
and last year, in the spring
that Robert found me there
as if in a forest, sneaking up behind me
“Psssst…Hello”
looking at his face
his words of love
his smiles
his eyes
seeing even Trevis in there
(the boy i ran from for him)
seeing the love
and i didn’t WANT to
but i tipped
felt the precarious edge
and fell
back in love
before i could do anything about it
i giggled
(!)
and then could look at his face with love!
i’m looking at his face with love
and
imagine him at his home now
busy with whatever he’s doing
finding some scrap of me
(there are so many)
and hastely trying to get it out of sight
and maybe it’s hitting him too
stopping him between cigarette puffs
“ahh, i love him”
i won’t know now
but my heart feels good to imagine it.
i extended past that
before even writing this
and thought of Eli
who i’ve had similar angers about recently
the same
the same.
think of him is painful
my heart aches
but there is love
and it pours over it,
soothing…
the root of love
is in our loves
our lovers
all our pasts and futures
and we have to forgive over and over and over again
we can do nothing but
for in anger
we still love them
and the intimacy brings biting and nashing
pain begetting pain
here
in love
forgive
kiss
heal
rest
i love you
and thank you
and more and more
yet again
i will remember the task i set upon myself in your name:
i will be a better lover for this world needs lovers
i will help re-create this world in love.