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Happy Chinese New Year, Everyone.
We are now in the year of the Wood Cock
Yup.
a Yin year of Beauty and a bit of Arrogance
it was Tuesday
the last day of the moon of the Monkey Year
the first day of the New Moon of the Cock year
What did you do on Tuesday? the day of the new moon?
i was Hauling wood.
went down the hill
fought through the sleeping poison oak branches and Live Oak and scrubs…
picked up wood cut back in 2001 by a friend of mine who came here to take Leo’s unused solar panels…
i was kinda tired after hauling the wood up
and getting the rest of the wood from the old deck out back inside by the fire place
i came to rest in front of the fire after a shower
the night settling in
and then my Farmer arrived
we talked an cuddled
he is a good man of the earth
Capricorn
hears my body speaking
does what i want without even needing to say it
the fire blazing
i lost myself to orgasm once
licking his knee
cuddling and talking more
maybe dinner?
but no: more fire, more talking, more cuddling, more love making
Indeed!
i came again, this time on top of him
he kept me howling for a few minutes
ok ok
but then he thought he might like to..
though kept saying
“i’m going to let you rest now”
but i was flying
i didn’t need rest
crossed over the thresh-hold…
came again
but this time my body became the orgasm entire
and it wasn’t just a howl
it was a scream
that shook my whole body
vibrated everything
like a mass of liquid light from my throat spreading down and filling my body
and when it contacted the mass of liquid light from my root
i just exploded
and screamed louder/longer/fuller than i had in over 4 years
this went on for ∞
then he asked me if i was OK…
i admitted to being much better than OK
and after i had recovered, i made dinner .
the special thing about my farmer
is that we are not having “hot Sex”
i mean
we ARE
but we’re very much making love
in that
the whole time
he is adoring me
and i he
we have that same fetish
so
the orgasm is not one of “wow, i just shot a big load, man”
it’s filling the self, the two selves, the one self. the entire self of the world
with love
this is the kind of sex i WISH for
the kind of sex i hope for everytime sex starts
but sometimes it’s work
or it’s just me doing it
or neither of us are doing it
we’re doing something else
and other things are alright too
but this is healing
and makes me feel like i’ve done something wonderful for myself
and the whole world
i mean
even when he was here last week
he did for me something i’d never had done
and i shot a load of cum clear up into my face, hair, Eye!
i’d never had cum in my eye
— it didn’t hurt as bad as people had made me believe…
so i make dinner
pasta
we sit and talk in front of the fire
i decide i want to give him some of my cum in his mouth
he still hasn’t cum yet
so we 69
and give eachother desert
then it’s very much night
and time for sleeping
mid night
so internal, connected in the dark of the moon
Flow
i really want to read to him
so i think of what to read to him?
and what better than Rumi?
I used to read Rumi all the time
got introduced to him in 1999 by going to see a Philip Glass Opera called “Monsters of Grace”
and the entire libretto was Rumi
(friends there had been telling me to read him– i’d just not got around to it yet… — So Philip introduced me)
Rumi carried me for years after that
and culminated in me dancing with Iranian refugees in Rotterdam
i became friends with the Sheik… though he could only speak Farsi
he taught me a lot
i know little of Islam…
but Sufi’s care mostly about loving
knowing the Friend
developing a conversation with him
and Loving.
Loving gets you to God.
“How you make love is how you are with God”
one of his quotes i always remember…
it has been over a year (almost Two!) since i read Rumi!
when i broke up with all my friends in 2003
Ugh, sadness
“Sometimes i forget completely
what companionship is.
Unconscious and insane, I spill sad
energy everywhere. My story
gets told in various ways: a romance,
a dirty joke, a war, a vacancy.
Divide up my forgetfulness to any number,
it will go around.
These dark suggestions that i follow,
are they part of some plan?
Friends, be careful. Don’t come near me
out of curiosity, or sympathy.”
but here i was
on the anniversary (kinda) of being in Brazil
and picked up by João out of the dark hole i’d fallen into
i should celebrate love
by remembering the lover
i read to him Poetry of Rumi
spiritual love poems…
then we slept
and he was out the door at the crack of dawn
on to his farmer’s meeting
after having repeated my favourite poem to him:
”
the breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you
don’t go back to sleep
you must ask for what you reall want
don’t go back to sleep
there are people walking back and forth across the door sill
where the two worlds touch
the door is wide and open:
don’t go back to sleep
”
how could i?
i stayed awake
though groggy
and let the day settle into me
reading the Koran
and thinking of sharing some more Rumi Fragments with my friends here
(this one is for Y)
”
Let the lover be disgraceful, crazy,
absentminded. Someone sober
will worry about things going badly.
Let the lover be.
”
(the rest are for all of us)
”
one man says to a shiek
‘what is this playing that you do?
Why do you hide your intelligence so?’
the sheik says
‘the people here want to put me in charge. They want me to be
judge, magistrate, and interpreter of all the texts.
The Knowing i have doesn’t want that. It wants to enjoy itself.
I am a plantation of sugarcane, and at the same time
I’m eating the sweetness.’
— Knowledge that is acquired
is not like this. Those who have it worry if audiences like it or not.
It’s a bait for popularity.
Disputational knowing wants customers.
It has no soul.
Robust and energetic
before a responsive crowd, it slumps when no one is there.
The only real customer is God.
Chew quietly
your sweet sugarcane God-Love, and stay
playfully childish.
Your face
will turn rosy with illumination
like the redbud flowers.
”
”
When the ocean comes to you as a lover,
marry, at once, quickly,
for God’s sake!
Don’t postpone it!
Existance has no better gift.
”
”
Where lowland is,
that’s where water goes. All medicine wants
is pain to cure.
And don’t just ask for one mercy.
Let them flood in. Let the sky open under your feet.
Take the cotton out of your eyes.
Blow the phlegm from your nose,
and from your brain.
Let the wind breeze through.
Leave no residue in yourself from that bilious fever.
Take the cure for impotence,
that your manhood may shoot forth,
and a hundred new beings come from your coming.
Tear the binding from around the foot
of your sul, and let it race around the track
in front of the crowd. Loosen the knot of greed
so tight on your neck. Accept your new good luck.
Give your weakness
to one who helps.
Crying out and weeping are great resources.
”
”
The conventional opinion of this poetry is,
it shows great optimism for the future.
But Father Reason says,
NO NEED TO ANNOUNCE THE FUTURE!
This now is it. THIS. Your deepest need and desire
is satisfied by the MOMENT’S energy
here in your hand.
“

Y is an Aries
his attempts to make himself happy (ego-wise, no differentation needed)
involve making rash things happen:
“i’m going to drive across america and pick you up and bring you back to NYC”
my moon is in aries
the shift to tending to my own emotions
would be from
letting other’s make oppurtunities for me
and me willingly bringing my oppurunities into being.
in Reality
i am just a kid of 26
i am accustomed to living the life of “already success”
because i’ve had the support and assets of men in their 50’s…
successful men
not rich (none of the men i’ve loved are monetarily rich… just in Life)
but with a beautiful house
or wonderful job
great apartment in a beautiful area of town
generally (or, how i understand it)
a kid starting out on his own
gets the sub-standard
struggles from the ground up into a place of success
i have done nothing on my own merritts
(but, has anyone?)
my credit rating is Zero
i’m working on bringing myself up to my own level of success
but i’m spoiled by living in such luxury
to
humble myself to my own status…
strange
compared with those living on the laurels of their youth
coasting into the crash-landing of middle-age or old-age
stepping off the wings of the father…
of course
mentorship is a beautiful way for a boy (straight or gay) to learn lessons of life…
but to not move on from that is folley..
i wrote this in a comment to a friend:
i’m dissatisfied with how i’m dealing with what i’m being given
not that it’s not wonderful and amazing
but because it’s not what i WANT
i should be resting secure in just accepting that it must be what i need
coz it’s coming from every direction..
but one of the main reasons i’m dissatisfied with what i’m being offered
is
it is what i ALREADY HAVE
just with a different person
in a different place
but it’ll be the same story:
i want a different story
… or at least learn how to grow in this story
(that’s the problem, i want to grow and i feel like i’ve outgrown this pot)

they love me
they call me
and they’re pushing love at me
i say
“i just want a place i can call my own that isn’t dependant in any way on someone else loving me and me loving them”
which is impossible:
love being the force that makes things happen, that keeps things together
even a randomn apartment i would rent
the landlord would love me
and i would love him
but it would be professional!
every oppurtunity is some beautiful man saying
“i love you”
and what that means is
“i’ve waited my whole life for someone like you”
and maybe i’ve waited my whole life too
and it’s time we’re together
me and me
just for a little while
or is it cowardice?
dreams together are so much more sweet…
sour, bitter, meaty.
but there is no place to go alone
it is all an effort of cooperation
so i will not get my own place of just me, eh?
it’s all about the loving and the sex and the wanting and the dreaming the desires…
but when am i going to get my own place to sit and read books?
and when would i do that anyway
me: always looking for love?
i keep saying “NO”
i keep holding up my hand
biting at the bit
chomping at the door
heels kicking up dust
sitting in the chair on the phone
i’m telling them to wait
i’m trying to take this slow
trying to ebb it out
so i don’t lose myself in the tide
(when that’s all it’s ever wanted from me)

ok
so i talk with people, right?
i imagine plans
i cancel them
i sit in the house and dream
desperately graple to ground and make something happen
fighting the great nothing flow of california
what?
from the city, he calls
he says
he’ll rent a car and drive up and pick me up and take me down
tomorrow
simple as that
be here soon
if he can
what?
i sit in the chair and look out the window and wonder…
it’s been colder today
the wind blowing…
dark…
well, if he’s going to put the energy into it…
but i STILL don’t know if i can make the flower business work
if i WANT to put that much energy into it…
why?
that much energy to live in SF
which just WON’T be healthy for me…
and then there’s the OTHER city
i return a phone call
the monster Aries
how long were we on the phone?
within an hour he’s detailed a plan of driving out here from NEW YORK
non stop
just driving out here
how i have to get him a driver to drive with him from craiglist or… elsewhere…
pick me up
all my stuff
and drive me back to NYC
WHAT?
it’s all just rolling
“i’ll drive out there and pick you up: tomorrow”
what a rush!
i guess if i deal with anything
they want me to leave the hermitage
yes
i understand
it’s time for living
but
WOW
this is insane!
i’m staying right here!
but what for?
there’s nothing to stay here for
and
if i listen to my desires
i’d much rather be in NYC than SF
i don’t LIKE SF
i don’t really like California
i mean
it’s wonderful
there’s nothing better
but it’s so Breezy…
i need something more meaty
oh
my fucking wandering and blathering…
no wonder god is laughing at me
he’s confused with all my mixed messages
just what will make this little prince happy?
i’m not sure
but i’m pretty certain i need to walk there on my own two feet.

sitting in the chair at the one door-window i’ve polished clean
reading the book
in the back of my mind
shaving bone off my finger with the knife
glancing up to see the sky:
Blue
fading blue.
reading
reading
noticing the light darker
glancing up
the sky:
Pink.
no
Lavender…
Magenta…
what is that?
beautiful.
back to the book..
no
i stand up
slide open the door
and go on the deck to look at the sky
my eyes take it in like a drug
and i smile
and think
—so beautiful—
it’s cold
back inside
warmth, kinda
reading
glance up
The Sky
you can see the rays of sun falling behind the earth in the clouds
watch it
can you see it moving up? disapearing?
how much longer?
you know
it always fades to black
the book..
no
i slide open the door
and look
not just the sky over the valley
the tops of the clouds still bright
but to my left (the west)
so bright!
the whole sky!
that COLOUR!
i turn and look
to see if you’re going to follow me
do i have a book mark?
no
.finger.
i run
to the front
through the garden
down the steps
around the chappel
the sky in the north is already gone to blue
this didn’t work
in the west! it’s so bright
i run
up the hill
no enough
i run
up the drive way
is life worth living if you don’t try and chase down the sunset?
i wouldn’t want to be friends with someone who died with out trying…
but how long has it been
since i chased the sunset?
it seems like something familiar
something i’ve done my whole life
a million childhood days…
chasing rainbows…
driving fast through fields…
but i’m on foot now
and it’s cold
and my lungs are hurting
my mouth filled with cold air
stiff tongue
i clamp it closed
and breathe deep through nose:
is this the last time i’ll ever see it? this streak of bright life through the sky?
it’s gone
the sky is gone blue again
the colour is fading behind the other mountain
i open the book where my finger is
and read the last few paragaphs of the chapter that i could have read
but missed the sunset
and walked bouncily back down the hill to the house
where it’s warm
and dark, already
night is here
maybe i’ll die tonight
hopefully be reborn tomorrow…

Too Much.
i went to harbin hot springs two days ago
it was SO good
but if only i’d gone earlier..
if only i’d gone the day i intended to go!
some friends of mine were there!
well, one guy i knew
and his friends.
Michael.
i parked the jeep and walked up the steps
and when i got to the first landing
the smoking deck
there he was
his friar-tuck face, beaming eyes and beautiful beard
briar clamped between his teeth
curls of smoke around his shiney head
HUGS and sharing the pipe and conversation
he’d spent the night!
OH!
onlyif
ifonly
if
he was only there an hour longer
i stayed and enjoyed him
and his lover
we all played together in the water
massaging and cuddling
then his lover left
and he and i swam in eachother a bit
Celtic magician
we connect…
then i took care of myself
great stretching
then hot
then cold
hot
cold
hot
cold
Yes.
beauty all around
the night fall
the stars
checked my messages
and my farmer wasn’t coming down
all indecisive
but another guy from CL had called
and he lived just south of there
“you might not like me: i’m a teddy-bear of a guy”
hmmm, just my luck
i give him a call
and head on down to see him
really sweet
furry everywhere
long thick currly red furr
great!
we cuddle
while we’re having sex
he says “rape Me”
i say
‘ that’s not what i do, i’m loving you ‘
gotta hold our hands sometimes..
it was an alright night
not great
there was some trouble
his undenying reality of medicine and “getting old” which i find tiring
but he was a sweet man
and nice to cuddle
but i was tired
came home
and a 70 year old had driven up from the city
as if he hadn’t even read my ad
not my type at all
but he drove so far
(though he had a meeting just an hour away in calistoga, so it was JUST for me, but an hour out of the way for me)
we tussled around
he was hungry
but…
it was ok
i sat up
startled
after resting
and pulled my back out
the clouds were rolling in
weather changing
i felt terrible
what’s goin on?
he left
and two hours later
another guy came
who i’d talked with online for a year
interesting fellow who’s travelled the world all his life
hasn’t “had a straight job for over 25 years”
in his early 40’s
but he’s like a dead-head drainbow
and the entire time he’s there he’s talking non-stop
about him
and all of his friends
and the guy he takes care of
and everyone he knows
and everywhere he’s been
and it has nothing to do with me
and i feel like i’m fighting him to speak
and he’s really not interested in what i have to say anyway
and if i travel my whole life will i have so much to say
blindly unaware of the real people around me?
maybe
but i don’t think i’ll ever take that many drugs…
Worn Out!
i sent him home forcefully
and decided not to head down to the city like Guy asked me to
yeah
i could help him with the Flowers for Valentine’s day
but suddenly
it doesn’t feel important
and it feels off track
and i don’t know where i’m going
or what to do
so i decide to just sit and wait
and fight my urges for sugar cravings
and try not to be too swept up by the phantoms

i’ve been abstaining from sugar for over a week now
but for some grapefruits
and a few dates a day
the computer still lures
i have to fight against it
a type of sugar
my brother called
it got me off line to talk with him
then i went to read
but first: i needed some chocolate.
i have a few kinds of chocolate with no sugar in them
not sugar-free chocolate
in an atkins kinda way
but more like baker’s chocolate
i love the bitter too
but right now
i want sugar.
i took out my large serrated pocket knife
and cut a hunk off
and sucked on it
and another
and another
it’s good for the lungs too, you know
black chocolate
entire…
shafenburger..
i stabbed the knife into it
broke off a hunk
and then
broke of a tiny piece of Dagoba’s Lavender/Blueberry dark chocolate (but that had some sugar in it)
the piece was larger than i liked
i chewed it up ravenously
my tongue felt fuzzy
i sat down to read “sure of you” again
in the chair
by the window
something about a guy in his 30’s… AIDS patient gone with dementia at the police office
freaking out
Michael trying to handle it
i get this phantom feeling of cutting my finger with my knife
that large gun-metal blade cudding through my finger
i keep reading
and can feel the blade scraping the bone
and Mary Ann get’s found-out not telling Brian about moving to LA
the serated part of the blade rips so easily through the skin
What the FUCK is THIS?
sleep deprivation?
i’ve cut myself a few times
but never with this knife
never on Purpose, let me make that clear
there’s not a desire here, it’s not like i want to
it’s scary
it’s like i’m pressed against the surface of a paralell reality where it happened
when i was stabbing the chocolate
it slipped
and slid right though my finger…

make things perfectly clear
heading out of town
going to rest
spent the night jittering to pieces
no
no drugs
just the computer
the images i’m re-arranging
the words i’m sending around
bouncing my intentions off the rocky-face of the world
i’m here
blathering at strangers
mouthing off in friend’s houses
making all sorts of statements
that just sound silly for people who are schooled
i’m a great simpleton
myself a farmer
often reminded
a boy from indiana
really blue collar
my dad doesn’t know how to use words properly
i don’t know how to use thoughts, some times
but lack of skill has never stopped me
it’s where i am today.
Today i’ve decided to head down to the city sooner
to start learning about the flower business
to see where it takes me
to see if i can actually make it work
there are some doubts
the world shifts
axis
earthquakes
common occurances today
anyway
i’m not saying a lot right now because i’m resting
the idea is to be settled in the city by next month
i’m doing my best to lay foundations..
retrospective?
i left SF difficultly:
went to THE LAB to see an art opening: “Harry Bodies”
there were a few BUTT connexions… that’s how i found out about it anyway
and the first guy who talked to me in there said “i saw you in BUTT”
it became fun
felt like we were all friends
old friends/new friends
it felt like highschool
silly, fun
somehow bigger than it was
rather
smaller than it was
it was big
it was real
it was fun
some of the art made me feel like i was 13
fetishizing low-rez porn
hmmm
and there were some body-landscape-photos
which i’ve dreamed of for years
and often try and photograph
these hot men i adore
macro photos of their furry curves
well done!
met up with a guy i’d not seen since 99!
we went to the mission for a burrito
while we were eating
the car got towed
[i’d said, ” i’ll get the burritos, you wait in the car ” but he came in anyway, forgot to say “to go” they served us on a plate: still we were there less than a half hour]
drama
keeping it cool
$342.
yup.
got my stuff from UGH
and on trying to leave
the engine warning light came on and he got paranoid
then told me he hadn’t changed his oil for over 7000 miles and generally only changed it every 15000
which sounds insane to me
i made him go to a gas station
check the tires and the oil
(the dipstick had cooked gunk on it: first time i ever saw that)
anyway
we got out of town
we got to the hermitage at about 2am
we spent the next 24 hours in bed
watched “Orgasmo”
had conversations about
the azurite press
crazy
but true
in there
but really
i want everything to be simpler
i like to keep things to mainly one planet
i mean
that’s complicated enough, isn’t it?
perhaps i’m just a dullard…
i showed him this site
about sacred geometry and implosion, etc…
that i first learned about when living at Heartwood
(you can tell i’m having fun with html today, eh?)
i attended a lecture he gave when he came there
showed how people in love sych their hert frequencies and “imbed” in eachother
fractal: return to one
Yum.
and watched “the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind” again
the first time i watched it with someone who could talk with me about it
round in circles and circles again til we learn how to love
YEAH!
he left and i read and rested
the next day
got on the computer
which yielded a massage client/playmate
a farmer
beautiful
could be so nice…
and a client the next day! (that would be this morning… or yesterday morning- i’ve not slept yet)
this morning i woke groggily to my client calling to tell me he was 5 minutes away
but the massage went very well
and i was too lazy then to go to Harbin Hot Springs
which is only 20 miles away
but takes nearly an hour to get to…
and i want to lay naked in the sun
(tucson spoiled me as it always does)
so i’ll go tomorrow…
today.
when i wake up
but first i need to sleep.

spent a night with leo in LA
in the sleazy sex hotel “Coral Sands”
we played with one guy together
he was really hot and sweet
(in that “my life’s been shattered” kinda way)
but i was over him the moment i noticed he was tweekin’
“you like to party? i got favours.. do you party?”
ugh
still, always nice to be with Leo for a night
we walked in the sunshine
and when it was time for him to drive me to meet my ride (from craigslist) back up to SF
we found his front right tire flat
so i went into Man mode
and changed the wheel to the emergency donut as fast as i could
and we were on our way.
nice car full of kids
was that long haired pretty boy a queer?
he said ” i had a girl friend there…”
and that cute korean girl..
this is the first CL ride i’ve had that i wasn’t sitting next to the driver…
i read “The Jewels of Aptor” until the light was too far gone…
we stopped to eat at Jack in the Box
mmm, Dead food.
i found myself in preacher mode a few times
she said ” yeah, i’ve noticed so many times when i eat fast food that i’ll be starving again in an hour”
he said ” fast food is like a gas station for the body, just put it in to keep going ”
i said ‘ it’s kinda counter productive… i learned to make food and put life in it, mix it in while i’m making it… this shit is just dead.. it SUCKS the life out of so it can be digested ‘
they said ” yeah”
as the sun dissapeared behind the clouds
it found all the rest of us asleep
and the little Ukranian guy barreling down the highway at 80+
i would twist and wake to feel the jolt and shudder of the wind and the road
and submerged into traveling sleep again…
until i realized i didn’t know where to stay
my friend Robbie was down in SD.. and i wanted to stay with him
coz he’s so cuddly
i love cuddling with him…
that’s what i’d planned…
then i thought of Paul
who i love
but i know he’d just had Frank staying there
and other guests
so i didn’t want to ask him
but i also didn’t want to deal with Crabs at Marty’s
nor other emotionally heavy situation with other places i could have stayed
so i called Paul
and he said, “of course!’
he’s a friend.
so there was walking and food (alone)
talking on the phone
sketching out what my life will be like living here
talking with Guy…
back to the house
conversations with John
and Paul
and then some sleeping
dreams?
i woke feeling so odd…
and i haven’t drank any water
i feel like starving the thrush
it’s OODLES better since i noticed it a few days ago
just the consciousness of healing it and not feeding it has helped
life life life
i used to get this shit all the time as a teenager
i always thought i was dying…
i was
less life, more dying= dying.
gotta remember to pump up the life from time to time
when it’s just ebbing out
and i’m letting it slip away
why is life so tenuous for me?
when it seems so tenacious for everyone else…
the rain has cleared
bright clouds now
cars running up Fell street
i lay in bed (sleeping bag on massage table)
and finished reading “the Jewels of Aptor”
it made me feel like a little kid…
Delany was a kid when he wrote it
and yet…
it still taught me something
and was a lovely little story
and had the voice of god…
that’s what i want, really
to be a priest like that
to be a vicar like that
to make my deal with god
and be able to create like him
tell stories
that resonate the truth of the world
in each person who can hear it
remind them
teach them…
otherwise
i’m distracted by porn
had to get out that extra energy
put my clothes on
sun pouring in on me
noon now
i’ll go walking soon
and have some conversations
and maybe get some tests
and then i’ll be on my way back to the mountain tonight to rest for week or so
before coming back to spend time with Guy
and then take over living here on my own
…
Leo gave me a song
something about
“i will never love you
because to love’s too dear
but though i’ll never love you
i’ll stay with you one year
and we can sing in the sunshine
we’ll laugh every day
we’ll sing in the sunshine
then i’ll be on my way
i’ll sing to you each morning
i’ll kiss you every night
but darling don’t cling to me
i’ll soon be outta sight
but we can sing in the sunshine
we’ll laugh every day
we’ll sing in the sunshine
then i’ll be on my way”
was the whole culture like this once?
is it still? just forgotten?

so, just quickly
i’ve been in LA for a day and a half now
i’m slowly working on healing myself
it’s a full moon
and i’m still tired…
eating kefir and yogurt and cereal
… and a burrito
sans rice
staying with a man of LA
we talk about illusions
living in them
making them
foresaking them
gotta respect them
gotta love em
gotta be devoured by them?
we sleep a lot
the house is decorated
this town…
he tells me about this movie he wants to go see
“in the realm of the unreal”
so we go to see it
it mixes with all my stories
the simple telling of living in the midwest
his lonely life
his struggle against being so outcast
his endurance through the dail torture of living there…
then
in that
story
it’s all anagalous to what i grew up in
and the tears were rolling down my face
tom waits turning into a monkey grinder for the dreaming innocents
and we’re all doing the best we can
it’s not as much
me speaking in a bad british accent and faking stories of my childhood in cornwall
he wrote over 30,000 pages
oh, half of that was The story he created to live in
the other was the weather
but there were tons of paintings… collages…
insane, yes…
but a place to run to
and just like in dreams
it wasn’t all paradise
his fantasy land was filled with wars and toture and blood shed
and such innocent mistakes:
having never seen a woman naked before
he portrayed all the nude girls with penises
and even himself… he often portrayed as a little girl.
lonely
make an entire world
and who to share it with?
and the world we share?
such torture
such fear
why be in love?
to create a reality together
one that blossoms and expands and fills the world with love…
well, isn’t that nobel?
when my heart is broken open
i call someone i love
lost in the detrius of that life, his life, this life
he’s not there
but he was there a few nights ago
and he told me a story
i think it fits this context:
”
my great uncle lived in a house boat down in Miami…
except his house boat was in an empty lot miles from the beach
on blocks.
he bought old cars and drove them into the ground
and then he would park them in the lot
and make closets and filing cabinets out of them
he kept everything…
even intellectually
he would write a log of Everything he did that day…
including writing in the log
“… and then i came here to write this down”
he’s my mother’s mother’s brother.
and i’ve always aspired to a life like that…
”
a life of obsession
to the point of satisfactorily occupying reality
a castle
as bastion
hmmm
if only we could have someone with us inside there…
but maybe love makes all of that totally unneccessary
when you can look in your friend’s eye
that gleam…
doesn’t it just make you laught?

hitting dogs with shovels
eyes under long black fur
on either side of the tail
green
stands up, anthropomorphized human/dog
“but do you still have your…?”
feels for balls
he says yes
but i don’t feel them
still
looking for a place to play upstairs
waiting for him to follow me
to find out
a longer telling of the dreaming

Where’d we go?
i left Phoenix yesterday
and drove through the desert with Bear
dogs licking my elbow
more conversations about people’s lives
“well, she had got married once before…
but it only lasted a week… he started beating her and she got it annulled…
— never told anyone in the family about it til long after the fact;
guy had her convinced not to…”
she’s just getting ready to leave her current husband of 6 years
two kids
(and he’s got another somewhere else)
coz he’s a rock-n-roller who’s friendly with other women and coke
far too often
Love is Tough, eh?
stuck in traffic in Quartzite
we got gass and headed on to Indio and ate at In-N-Out
Alright…
where was i staying in Palm Springs?
trouble finding a crash pad
there’s this one guy i really wanted to meet…
i called him
and he had friends from Canada staying with him
and his nephew’s lover…
but he said i could stop by
and i had resigned myself to just getting a hotel room:
palm springs is filled with gay bath-house/hotel things..
i forgot, of course
that this is the Peak Season down here in Palm Springs
Bear reminded me: it would be expensive
well
OK
i get to Jim’s house
they’re all watching TV
we get to talking
i feel as i often do when i enter the stage
“tonight’s entertainment is: Dominic!”
the television is important
Ellen going on about how cold it is
she calls a shop in Ely Minnessota that i was just in a few months ago when i was there with my family:
Most Moose (and more)
but it keeps turning back to me
and eventually
they let me know
they’ve decided that i should stay the night there.
. . .
hours later
i’m laying in bed with James
and he’s telling me stories
all sorts of stories…
growing up on the farm
punching his brother
milking cows
learning to fly
his 3 oldest brothers dying in a plane crash one night
meeting Gene
his first lover before
all his generosity
this lover and that
all these years…
he’s 72!
he grew up in West Virginia on a farm
seven brothers, one sister…
he started a resturant
what took him to Grand Rapids? (where my mother grew up)
there was a guy there who would give rub-downs…
then he built a sauna in his house
and emptied out the upstairs rooms; put mattresses in them
men came from everywhere around for that back in the 70’s!
massage
sex…
and friend got busted down at the rest area south of town
and that was enough
so he opened a bath house there…
small world: i called him from Michigan back in 2003 when i first got in touch with him through is lover
but it’s been a while
and i’ve spent most of today in bed
lovely sex
conversation
massage
lots of cuddling
and naps
yummmmm
he talks like a character from a JD Salinger novel
he’s 72!
and he looks more healthy than most men in 50’s…
even some in their forties…
he’s generous (to a fault, it sounds)
but his relationship is based on total honesty
which appears to actually be true instead of just lip service
they’ve been together 37 years
and they’re Happy.
(even though they bicker and pick on eachother… it’s all affection)
it’s so Healing…
so healing to be around people i can respect
(well, they watch a bit too much TV for my tastes…)
so full of life and kindness and simplicity
inspiring
i was happy to lay with him
(yes!)
and now i will be picked up soon and taken off to some desert hot springs with by Frank Martin and his friend Tony
it’s late…
we’ll see how the night goes…