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Well, now that i said something
it reminds me
i’d really like to journal the last few days
but i have this one song on repeat
and don’t want to be sitting here for an hour
– – –

i feel like i should write more context
but just this thought:
i’ve gathered so much mysticsm in my travels and imaginings
that i have put myself out of people’s touch
or
my high standards of dreaming
makes it hard for me to be held by those with simpler dreams…
this is the way it’s always been?
where are my peers?
Hello?

so
after that last post
i stopped seething
and started talking
it was long and convoluted
but it came down to this:
he really had no intentions of doing what we’d talked about doing.
judegments

drag kicking, screaming
DO IT, LIKE THIS
like this…
because he’s never done it before
and i ask him to
and he says “yes…”
surprised
but should i be surprised when he backs out at the last second?
no.
angry though.
here in the house
alone
today
got angry
felt these voices
starting to believe in smudging… serious
this house of kept secrets
smoking pot
avoidance
now he’s sick in bed
YEAH RIGHT, motherfucker
and since i paid him attention
he’s shut up entirely
i can’t help it!
sometimes i even try to be nice!
not often… not good at it, not interested
seeth, quietly
how to interract?
and why bother?
back on wings up to the hermitage..
wait.
it’s raining
give it a moment.
last night i felt like i lashed out
what mood was i in?
what’s in the house?
reading his post
it just sounded Stupid
silly
absurd!
don’t take your friend seriously when he’s being absurd
you know him better than that
punch him in the shoulder and tell him you will not play this game
keep dancing
keep walking on
keep playing
not this game where you’re dumb
coz you’re not
not this game where you can’t say anything, can’d do anything, always wrong
it’s a Dumb Game: NO
saying NO a lot leaves you alone.
even to dumb things.
gotta go throughd dumb things being a human
gotta.
dumb.
walk around this city
fine, dominic
be alone and angry
it’s raining
sure
they bears are arriving for IBR
go smile at them
be a lover
pretend to be a lover
something
something better than just angry
i’m just writing to get the anger out
it doesn’t deserve to be directed at anyone
but you can’t leave it in a box alone
have to do something with it
here
just this.
fine.
meanwhile, back at the ranch
i just went to Magnet to get my HIV, Syphallis and Ghonorrea/chlamydia tests
Yeah!
while i was there
i got a free shiatsu massage
gave him a 10 buck tip
give it away…
the guy testing me doesn’t think i have syphallis or ghonorrea
but he does think i’ve got infections in my body
but he thinks it’s just general winter fatigue and choughs and plane illnesses
yeah, ok
and the shiatsu guy said i’ve been masturbating too much
and have a weak digestion
yeah, i know
how do any of us take care of ourselves?

What have i said yet of Money?
it is a way we’ve made our life manifest in abstract.
— i gave 40 hours of my life for this bill
— now i give it to you for a place to stay
— for a hamburger and fries
— this weekend’s entertainment
— a modicum of freedom (and gas to run it)
— you would never do this for me, but
— take this, now you must
the corporations come in and offer “Goods”
goods of no heart
mass production
goods made only to be sold
that is
to ensnare the life
of those unaware of the deal they’re making..
it’s that old christian metaphor, i’m sure most of you have heard it:
the devil offers such amazing gifts
—-[material reality]———–[junk in action]
in return
you give him your soul.
how did “the rainbow family” get started?
they saw the “Hippie culture” being sold to beer companies
radio corporations
shoes, cigarettes, hot dogs
the blood sucked right out of it
they abdicated
and said “no buying and selling here”
how it works?
everyone [who can and will] gives money to “the magic hat”
and that is taken by any of those willing
and translated into food stuffs…
local farmers? organic?
hopefully
conscious soul exchange.
another example:
the character “Brian” in “tales of the city” is burnt out
has no purpose in life anymore
just likes to get laid and smoke and wonder…
but once he was a lawyer
working hard for all the causes
was “their favourite freebie”
— and they never paid him.
well yes
if you give of yourself and never let your self get replenished
you run dry..
it must flow through..
Be Aware Where It Comes From
Be Aware Where It’s Going
Make Sure You Are Nourished
today was my first day on the street
selling flowers.
i didn’t sell any
i sat there with Guy.
many conversations were had
once
i listed all the things i would do for him
eg: i was there to help him move, committed to learning his craft
experiencing his life, helping him in any way i could be
(i didn’t give him a time limit, but i will do this for at least two weeks to see if it feels like it is a good thing for me)
he smiled
and said
“i want to make you happy… what can i do for you?”
a long pause, i replied
‘ whatever you do… i don’t rely on people making me happy cause i can make myself happy better than anyone i’ve ever met… so i depend on myself for that… and don’t ask it of others… but enjoy it when it happens: use your imagination. ‘
it occurs to me that i hardly entertain what my perfect lover would be
because i think it is so unlikely..
but because it seems so abstract
i will try and list some qualities now:
he would be open and honest with me at all times
and when he wasn’t
he would be soon
and humble himself and tell me what he learned from hiding from me
— i would be the same with him.
he would be an excellent lover
if he went through months of wanting to only fuck me
there would be months where i only fucked him
and months where we didn’t fuck
there would be lots of petting, caressing, massaging
there would be cuddling
there would be abstinence
things would move in cycles
he would cook for me, and i for he
each of us rotating our palets
and enjoying fasting from time to time
we would help eachother to not being addicted to anything
[note: i always write “each other” as “eachother” — as if the co-dependant nature of doing things together collapses the two into one naturally… it’s kinda freaky : the computer constantly alerts me to this through spellcheck]
we would both read to eachother
he could walk barefoot, and would enjoy it
he would sing to me, or play music to me.
with me?
hmmmm
et cetera, et cetera
it’s not That unrealistic.
perhaps being aware of what i want will help me get it?
be it?
anyway
today was my first day in the city
and i’m taking things slowly
i’m taking things slowly
i feel as if i’m stalking through the jungle
must be aware of the plants, the animals
any dangers? any rewards?
be aware…
Be Aware.
good conversations
good feelings
i don’t think this is what i thought it was going to be
i’m not sure what it is..
slowly…
paying attention…
it’s only the first day..
i feel like i’m stalking the prey..
through the castro
to the New Thai Restaurant for dinner
thick rich Tom Ka soup, hmmmm
the green papaya salad…
i weighed it on my tongue
‘ just make it hot ‘
he did, he really did!
was it just coz of how i looked?
Guy was stunned… he said it burned his tongue
i had to eat mindfully
all the stress in my neck and back melted
hmmm
Good Food
Happy Food
YUM!
then some beef with ginger, garlic, chives black fungus
with the remaining papaya
YUM!
Yossi and John walked in..
i saw Yossi a few days ago as i was leaving Harbin..
he’s a guy i know from circumstance since i first came to California
Omen?
while Guy was in the toilet
John asked me if i’d be around for a while
i told him i wasn’t sure
that’s what i was here for
but we’d see…
he asked if i was looking for a place
… well, we’ll see… yes…
alone or with other people?
alone.
how much would i pay?
not over 1000$
— we’ve got an apartment open in my building in the tenderloin for $850
AH! And yet another option…
Guy left me
and i walked through the castro
saw a strange young cute drunk boy
who begged me back over after we made eye contact
he told me i looked like a Rabbi
of course i did
my hair up
my long black leather jacket on
with my new mexican poncho’s tassles hanging out below!
what are those things called?
anyway
i did!
we talked
i felt good
and only had a 10$ bill
gave it to him to get some food
felt silly
but good
Give it away
get more back
i’m here in the city.
went to book stores
walked around
came back
Guy was watching TV
some Television drama about people crash landed on an island somewhere
fake, of course
in the jungle, whatever..
i tried to avoid it
but watched a good deal of it
then we set off to watch a DVD that was all subtitled too small, too contrasty to read
(the road to love, the film was called)
but i had my NetFlix
so we watched “Keep the River on Your Right: A Modern Cannibal Tale”
which was a Real story about being in the jungle
and was Fascinating to me…
he went out there
with no money
no back pack
just sneakers
and the shorts and shirt on his back
into the jungle for 8 months!
wild man…
and friends to live it with…
78 years in New York City!
where we Make Things Happen!
somewhere in the conversation it came up
(accidently, i’m sure)
that my time in SF was just like me going to school
yes
it’s a school
i hope i graduate it soon
i would rather be in…
well, so many places
but ya gotta have the skills ya need
Thanks, baby
i’m here.

like the moon
i wax on through the nights
where
a week ago
i was sleeping somewhere normal
waking round 8 or so
all my intentions
i got later and later
until last night
where i stayed up til past dawn
almost 8
laying in bed
thinking it insane
i just shouldn’t sleep!
i’m not tired anyway…
boom
GONE
somewhere
all these things happening
depcompressions
prayers answered
Leo woke me around noon
and he told me he’d wake me around 11
i was startled
showered
spacey
he made breakfast of chilli-turkey sausage, eggs and rice
i packed up
said good bye to the house
and headed down the road
head bobbing along the way…
everything blanketed in fog and rain
have i ever seen SF so rainy?
we went for dinner at a chinese resturant
right next to the LAB on 16th street
we had duck and bok choy
there was this little baby who’s head looked like an alien
Leo kept saying “it’s not really a baby, it’s an alien…”
and this BIG mexican guy
big mustache
huge shoulders
broad
big
tall
i was lusty
Leo was laughing with/at me
we went to Rainbow grocery
and bought three types of chese
one was Ski Queen “Gjetost”
which is like cheese made of Caramel…
another: French Morbier Raw Goat Milk chese
where they seperate the morning milking from the evening milking by a layer of ash…
the last
italian caciotta del lazio sheep milk/ pecorino fresco
yum yum yum
we’ll eat them with black chocolate
and rice crackers
but now
we’re sitting in the hotel room in SOMA
on Harrison at 5th street
the rain is still falling heavily outside
i don’t think i’ve ever seen it so rainy out there
it’s exciting.. to think of running around in it
but we’re going slow
we’re tired
i’m still a little hopped up on the caffiene from the chinese resturant
we’re going to have some calming tea
and then turn this computer into a DVD player
hook it up to the TV
and watch some movies
relax
— i’m arriving
i want to take my time to really be here
exhaustion is always a great introduction for me
keeps me from having expectations or trying too hard
i have no choice but to surrender
Ok…

No Cars Go
”
We know a place where no planes go
We know a place where no ships go
(Hey!) No cars go
(Hey!) No cars go
Where we know
We know a place no space ships go
We know a place where no subs go
(Hey!) No cars go
(Hey!) No cars go
Where we know
(Hey!)
(Hey!)
(Cars go!)
(Hey!) Us kids know
(Hey!) No cars go
Where we know
Between the click of the light and the start of the dream
Between the click of the light and the start of the dream
Between the click of the light and the start of the dream
Between the click of the light and the start of the dream
(I don’t want any pushing, and I don’t want any shoving.
We’re gonna do this in an orderly manner.
Women and children!
Women and children!
Women and children, let’s go!
Old folks, let’s go!
Babies needing cribs, let’s go!)
”
to me
this song is Epic
but simple, like yr eye…
it took me a few listenings to understand it
but
is there someone out there that feels like they understand it?
i wanna make sure there are people who know how to get out of their cars…
i was looking at the sky yesterday
or… was that a hallucination?
was that a dream?
everything seemed strange
twisted
so few of us deal with three dimensions in this society
2D: paper, books, TV, computer
stare at all the time
i’ve been staring at the computer screen
but out there is a world to walk around in
smell
taste
get bruised on
leave yr mark on
scuff your feet
take a piss
plant a house
build a tree
“light a candle for the kids!
Jesus Christ! Don’t keep it hid!”
—-arcade fire
“coz nothing’s hid!
from us kids!”

what a wonderful day this is
“valentine’s day is just a day invented by greeting card companies to make people feel like crap”
-charlie kaufman, Joel Barrish: “The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” — a year ago
i was talking with someone in SF on the phone tonight
and said something about Leo
and he paused and asked in that slightly-put-off-but-pretending-it’s-ok voice
“are you guys, like, romantically involved?”
i love so many people
and when i get asked this question
i always need to qualify and be aware of how i express it…
i don’t own anyone
nor am i owned by anyone
and though i love many
i don’t feel i’m able to be a husband to any of them
because of my life style
it’s not respectful nor responsible
but i love people on these terms
and am loved by people on these terms
(and, admittedly, on many others… and none!)
in that big lonely city
there are so many people starving for love…
(well, everywhere, really)
and the general understanding that
“if you love him, you won’t love me”
strange uni-directional love
my heart is a sphere.
and we cuddled
me and Leo
we napped
we talked
he cooked True Cod and asparagus with rice and a mayonaise/mustard sauce…
tarragon on everything.
champaign…
and a screening of Eli’s latest film, “The Art Colony”
which features a girl being forced to shit on stage while she is saying
“i want to show you what’s inside of me, i want you to understand me: i love you, i love you, i fucking love you”
then bits from “Orgasmo” — the Trey Parker film that hasn’t really gotten a release in this country
(about a nice mormon boy saving the souls of LA through the inside of the Porn industry)
and then we ate Cheese cake
cuddled more
i put Leo to bed
and i’ve been up here
reading
doing things
making it work
since…
and what have i found on LJ tonight?
well
more love from the past…
reading about meetings and rembrances from last year
sending out little dashes of love to friends…
finding a friend who i haven’t talked to in months (since 2003, really)
who has just joined LJ and has added me as a friend, even though…
so
alright
i’m magnanamous tonight
and i love you
maybe
in all my talk of “my heart is a sphere” he serves to remind me how difficult it can be to really love another person
yes
easy to love in that God kinda way
but in that human to human way
difficult
s’alright
it’s the work worth doing..
i strayed off that path for a while
but
somehow
i’m back on it
this time of my own volition, though…
YEAH!
(laughs)
Happy day of celebration of love
(this is today, this is tomorrow, this is every moment you remember…)

So, tonight i archived my journal
it was just over a year ago i started using this thing
and i’m pretty happy with it
and pretty happy with the archiving software!

Turns your journal into a PDF Book.

LJBook (gads_ljbook)
if you’re in the mood to have your entire journal on your HD
run it through here
and then kick them a few bucks through the pay-pal
yummm
love
i seem to have fallen in love with a new band
“Arcade Fire”
canadian, apparently
while i was in Pheonix (Tempe) staying with my old friend cachondo
he was playing this over and over again
kicked me over a copy
so i’ll have to kick the band some money sometime soon
coz i’ve had it on repeat all day
and most of yesterday
“US KIDS KNOW”
well, some of it.
anyway
it’s really late again
i’ll be going to sleep about the same time i did last night
cleaned the house a BIT today
had a good day
the mist is surrounding the house again
made aduki bean stew
yawning heavily
appreciating the attention
appreciating the people i love
loving people
feeling pretty good
but tired
and crazy
like myself
HUGS.
(oh, the new user pic is from “Grill”– a 24 resturant/diner in down town Tucson… i used to inhabit it all the time… while i was at Fiesta i went there to get my customary photobooth pics– i may convert some other strips to .gifs too — ah, the possibilities are always blossoming)

i’m reading
http://www.livejournal.com/users/waltzingtree/2004/01/20/
and at the paragraph about remembering leo on the hill top
and all that that entailed
my emotions swirling around me like a mid-night fog
and billie holiday comes on [like a miracle]
and says
“let’s do it: let’s fall in love”

how do these things happen?
i left a few windows open on Safari
i wanted to go through and read some journal stuff
make some comments
i sometimes feel bad for not reading other people’s journals..
so i go to this post first
http://www.livejournal.com/users/catelin/179683.html
coz i read it it bigreddee‘s journal
which i got to from
cthelarger
coz he’d left a comment on my journal
after i’d left a comment in
chriskomater‘s journal
reading about the HAIRY BODIES exhibit at THE LAB
which i got to from where?
i don’t remember
but this has been going on for Hours now.
catelin‘s post has something like 1600 comments on it
and it was well written
so i went from looking at her journal
to other people
i didn’t know
and following links from bigreddee
or someone…
i don’t know
i found tons of people i didn’t know
and opened up tons of windows
of, i’ll admit it, guys i thought were cute
and discovered many things about LJs tonight
though i’m often obsessed with writing some kinds of “piece” with some sort of expression or exorcisim or something
man people just blog
they just talk about what they did today
many journals are just that
simple
what they did today
which, really, is the reason i started my journal
all these people wanted my day-to-day details
but i don’t think i live in my day-to-day life
i think i live through some prism of intention and fantasy
and my real life is as much of a fantasy as everyone imagines it is.
what is my day to day?
it’s nothing.
today
i
woke at noon
i
opened a lemon
a grapefruit
put them in a blender
with psyllium
spirullina -health-something powder
fruit juice
hot water
and coconut oil
i enjoyed blending it, coz i hardly ever use blenders.
i washed some dishes
i came and got on line for a while
masturbated a bit, but not to completion
wrote people on silverdaddies
responded to some emails
read some journals
opened windows
downloaded .pdfs of ephermeri from 1978 to now
(yesterday i only had a few, which i used to map out my satyrn return, but i’ll get back to today)
i then read more of “all ears”, a book by dennis cooper, compilint essays, intervies and obituaries from the early ’90’s
— he’s so judgemental
no wonder he’s pissed off so many of his friends.
(i’m afraid i can relate all too well)
i then got on the phone for a long while
with various people
during which
i mixed carob powder with yogurt
ate it
drank some kefir
then made toast
with
goat-feta made from the goats at Short Mountain
–musky…
creamcheese with raw garlic
limburger
leyden with cumin
by that point
i was talking with Leo
who is probably still writing his Sunday Sermon as i type this
and started distilling wine from 1970
i don’t think it really worked
but it partially worked
i then talked with my dad for a while
about the John Of God special they did on ABC Primetime thursday night
— interesting how he responded… we agreed– coming from different directions
he told me he’d have my sister call me back
(and i’ve probably missed the return call from my sister coz i’ve been reading journals for the last two hours)
then i came in here to read the windows i had open
and close them so i could watch “women in love”
but that was over two hours ago
in that time
i’ve verified my paypal account
and made my own set of judgements about people i don’t know…
haven’t friended anybody from the experience
but have bookmarked a few…
it appears that
even in such a word-centered place as LJ
people are still drawn heavily by sex
i mean…
there was this guy i read who had posted 4 times
and each post had something like 57 comments or something
because he was a big cute bear
and billed himself as only that in each of his posts and his bio.
there were others who just filled their blogs up with memes
little trifles they made a big deal out of
which i guess we’re all doing…
and maybe it’s just the mood i’m in
i didn’t connect with any of it very much
well… but the beauty
it’s rare we write of beauty, eh?
rare we notice beauty
the “fag” article had lots of beauty
but that’s because she was holding it up as a shield
as a Tao
to balance that ugliness
that little ugliness like a sliver
she held up such big beauty to show how insignificant the ugliness was
is
of course
who cares about ugliness in the face of such beauty?
that’s what’s great about the world
you can see it anyway you want
you can focus on whatever you want to see…
it’s been hours since i started writing this (10:46pm, it’s 1:04 right now)
and i’ve been downloading music from
radfaepappy‘s new page
and reading through my postings from last year
coz it was year ago i started doing this live journaling stuff
and it’s fun to read what was going on for me then:
i was in a foreign land
everything burning my eyes wide
ahhh, if life could be lived always like that.
i’m preparing for my satyrn return
i have been for years
but it’s edgy right now…
i mean
i feel like i need to rest
feel like i need to root down
but i’m afraid that if i do that during my satyrn return it will cement me in place
and i am just so much happier when i’m having adventure after adventure
if i got out of america where everything is familar..
but in america there is the addiction of the pain
— when i’m here there is a palpaple difficulty
the fear, the pain
i don’t feel it anywhere else:
here i feel i have a responsibility for it
there, it can be tragic… or too abstract
still
i feel impotent against it
i mean
except for this
for talking about it
for writing
for making my own self a vision of beauty to make it insignificant
unfortunately
i feel the ugly machine is working over-time in this country
in human society
and what is it?
should i post this now or keep reading?
i can always post other posts after this
and this one is getting really long
maybe i’ll go quietly to bed…
but i have a few more days to read
hope you’re sleeping well, dear

i wrote this back on January 18th
after the Fiesta de los Osos
i wanted to write out the joys first
coz i didn’t want to sound like i was just complaining
and i did feel like i was in a funk
— i was going to write a long piece all about my experience there
but i’ll just make it short:
Bear culture just doesn’t nourish me
i felt alien
and had to do too much work to talk with people most of the time
everything felt disjointed and 2D
— it just isn’t my thing anymore
though i thank it for helping me come out
…
and now i’m going to be in the city during IBR
— will i go to bars?
will i participate in any of those shenanigans?
i dunno
i still find bears very sexually attractive
but.. perhaps like and ice-cream cone
very yummy
but i can’t live on it.
anyway
here are the joys from that period:
So
what have the Joys been?
i soaked in the hot tub at the hotel Once
with Frank Martin…
i didn’t put my hair up before i got in there…
i had just been swimming in the pool…
i told him i didn’t want my hair soaking in that water…
30% chlorine and days of bears…
i pulled it out and let it lay on the cement as i rested in the water…
but i’m a moving one, i move around…
and when my hair would fall off the ledge into the water
frank repeatedly pulled it out for me
such a gentleman…
a day later
he decided to go on the Nude hike with me (and the bears) to Tanque Verde falls
a desert with water running through it!
AH!
Running up rocks
playing mountain goat
day warming
more clothes coming off
bears…
half way through
got entirely naked (shoes too)
hiked the rest of the way like that
tempted to jump into a water fall
one of our guides (a hot scottish guy)
turned and didn’t say a word
just sign language: DON’T
awwww…
in Brazil it would have been OK…
naked men all around
all ages
laying on the smooth rocks
water bubbling below
three-way, four-way
climbing up more rocks
eating peanuts
out into the further field
black dirt everywhere!
fertile
grasses growing
“that’s from the fire…”
just a few months after i visited last in 2002
the desert went up in flame
Catalina mountains glowing for how long?
washed down into New Growth…
where Charlie led me through
telling me stories of his life and the men who had explored that nude beach
“and his dog came back around the corner with a Human Leg!
so i’m careful when going this way…”
uncut old farmer from New Hampshire (am i making that up? he’d travelled round the world… but been in tucson longer than i’ve been on this earth in this form)
just playing
rising
connecting
coming at the same time
i love that.
and walking through the grasslands more
we found BeanPole
a guy i know from the Faeries
yes
small world
police helicopter flies over
wave at him naked
he flashes his siren
HA!
and even though these big butch guys can make fun of me
they still love the smell of my musk
and nuzzle their beards under my arms…