facts?
so
i’m sitting in the SAFEHOUSE coffeshop on speedway here in Tucson
it’s sunday night
the officlal last night of the Fiesta
today we went for a hike out at Tanque Verde Falls
absolutely beautiful
it had beed four months since i had been naked and hiking around barefoot
so it was very good for me
some sex with sexy men
bears who came along…
old farmer/world traveller guy who was there
and got to see an guy i know from the Faeries
“tie me a knot”
otherwise
i felt
yet again
overly tired
and ill-at-ease
walked out to talk to people
and was immediately accosted by a drunk guy
very sexy body
but he was too FULL on for me
so i eventually retreated to the room again
but the TV and the Dogs…
so i went out to the lobby to read
and then the Pie Ceremony was over
and noise
OK
Frank walked in and we started talking
and at the mention of Wi-Fi
we were out the door
to come here
and look for Richard…
(old friend, poet, monster…)
too long now
too much smoke
too much “joy division” playing on the stereo
…from safety to where?
hopefully dreams.
i wanted to make sure i wrote that last post before i went to the hotel
because i thought i’d probably be so swept up by all the beautiful friendliness that it’d change my mood entirely
and in the effort to truely journaling my experience…
well
no..
i had been told that there were many people who wanted to share rooms
so i went to the Hotel
and saw old friends
and a big smile spread across my face
but there was no list of people who wanted to share rooms, so the guy who’d actually know said…
so i wrote on the board my request…
went out into the pool area
and immediately felt kinda pariah
but it was just Me, of course
lots of people wanted to talk with me
that was nice
but my-oh-my
judgement has been running high
friends
and conversations
and new beautiful men
and cuddling
yes
resting in cuddling
well, more than that
door opening and closing
am i gonna get a room?
off to dinner
talking to friends
meeting new friends
back to the hotel
and my message has been erased
and i’m really tired
and a friend of mine who lives here offers to take me home
which is how i’m feeling anyway
so home
here
now
time for sleeping soon
but first:
Cuddling.
i had a two hour lay-over in Las Vegas
i had got kinda nauseous on the flight up from LA
lots of turbulence
air
packed flight
South West
Ugh.
i was reading “the Motion of Light in Water”
when an old woman came and sat beside me
i felt invaded
there were so many empty chairs…
ah… alright…
just don’t ask anything of me, alright Lady?
in the middle of the chapter i was reading
she said something
i responded
she said something
i responded
and
before i knew it
i was in a conversation
and had lost the page…
she was born in 1926 in Pennsylvania
and shortly after
taken to BudaPest
and raised there
what happened?
she was trapped there for a long time in her youth
forced to speak Russian
but she got back to america (1946)
and lived in New York
Long Island?
she taught herself to read and write english
because of the man she was in love with
using the dictionary to figure out the words
he was of german decent..
he was murdered… (eventually)
she had five children
four boys
and a girl.
one was a Fed Ex deliver… he was also murdered
one was a Cop– he will not take her into NYC
the daughter lived in Tucson
Margaret has terrible arthritis
so moved to AZ to live with her Daughter
who then moved to Silver City, NM
she lives with her there, now
in a trailer.
this will probably be the last flight back to Long Island
her back hurts her too much.
she would love to see BudaPest again
speak the language again…
but she doesn’t have enough money…
“after you get married and have kids
it’s hard to find the money”
she says
“travel while you can, see the world: before you get married”
she gives me a handful of candy
she gives me an orange.
i go back to reading
but notice she is bored sitting there by herself
jabbing her cane into the carpet
i tell her i wish i had a book to give her..
and then i suggest she get up and walk around
we watch eachother’s things while we go to the toilet…
when she’s back
i’m reading
occasionally staring out at the beautiful Nevada mountains
snow along the ridges…
i am occasionally caught up by talking with her again
being excited
and struck with the fact that i agree with most of what she says
happy to share with her what i feel and think
and find it funny that i relate so sanely to a 78 year old who was raised in Europe
– we understand eachother
… in this foreign land.
we introduce ourselves and shake hands as they call the time for boarding
she shakes her head and comments over and over
“why do they get up and stand in line? the plane isn’t going to leave with out them… they’re not getting their any quicker…”
like i would shout at the students corralling themselves before class started
ten minutes
counting down
waiting for the bell
i would stand on the bench
and scream nearly the same thing at them
they would stare at me
then look at the clock
shift their books and bags
and talk to their friends
when the line is moving
she leaves me
though i see her when i finally board myself
sitting near the front
in an aisle seat
(little charmer, i’m sure she always gets what she wants)
i sit in the back by the window
and after we’re at 10,000 feet
and i’ve written for a while
i get a bit lost looking out the window
the sun is beaming down through the clouds like angels as we descend into Tucson…
airplane cough
felt very tired
even kinda nauseous
which i don’t usually get on airplanes…
tired…
but i was very happy to be back in tucson
even in a tired kinda way
my friend Dan had to circle round the airport about five times til all my bags came in
.. i did a couple of laps with him
when we got back
i got to see the beautiful amazing sunset
“pink meat” he said
the wind blowing
the cactus…
in the south-west part of town…
i’ve never stayed out here
very strange…
the night settled in with conversation
smoke
fire in the chemania
watching
listening
feeling self conscious
feeling dark
it got cold, quick
i put on the franciscan habit Leo made a long time ago
washed, shrunk; gave to me
two other guys showed up
one very tall
had his stomach cut in half coz he was too fat and wanted to be thinner
(oh great)
he sits down and starts grilling me
pressing questions on me
but questions like
“oh, so you’re not afraid of anything, hugh? what are you afraid of?”
which i’ve been getting asked a lot lately
so i’ve been thinking of it
but there was no context to this conversation
so what was i supposed to say?
the entirety of existence?
on the fifth time
i tried to get him to give me context
and he started “asking” questions
that was basically him telling me that he had me all figured out:
i was running away from everything
i was dressed like this coz i was scared of people
and i wanted people to stay away from me
but when people actually did meet me they found i was really nice
which is great and everything
but wrong
— i’ve never worn the habit outside of the hermitage
i brought it with me on this trip as a turtle shell ( a traveling comfort-zone )
he tells me he’s trained in psychoanalysis
he says
maybe if i cut my hair and trimmed my beard
people would like me
i try and explain to him
that i don’t what people to like me for looking like everyone else
there are plenty of people who look like everyone else
i specifically like looking different
and want people to like me for who i am
not for being one and the same of the great masses of Yes-saying.
i realize he’s a fool
so
as the night goes on
i mostly ignore him
but find
when i am talking with him
i’m being mean:
“well, my hands and feet have been cold since the surgery”
(he got half of his stomach cut out so he could lose some weight)
‘yeah, if you start torturing your body you should expect it to revolt against you.’
he stares at me
‘ maybe you should consider walking, and eating differently… or you could be buhlemic..’
i try and keep my mouth closed
and that is the whole problem with today
i’m saying things that are pretty violent
even though i’m not saying them with that intent or intonation
the reality of the message is one of invasion and injury
i’ve done it a few times
why do i keep acting like i’m tired tired tired?
i must be tired tired tired
and no amount of supplemental rest is going to take care of it
certainly not when i’m awake at midnight like now
when i should be sleeping
coz i’ll get disturbed to consciousness before i sleep for 8 hours
on a couch?
ugh.
well, i’ll tell you about it later
but the rain became worse
and my prospects became better
i found a lovely place to stay with a beautiful man
so
worry not
i’ll tell ya about it later
yeah
worked fine
got out of the house on time
but for the diarreah
was it eating the cold lasagna?
the pecan pie?
the plastic melted in fudge i fixed up?
oh…
long ride down
rain
shets
the grapevine covered in snow
and the three people who said i could stay with them
all backed out
i called everyone i knew
no go
and of course eli will not let me stay there
old friends…
i’m sitting in an internet cafe
looking for a place to sleep tonight
hostel?
coral sands?
i need some sleep
i’m sure i’ll find something
so it goes.
into everyone’s life a little rain must fall
damnit.
yesterday was wonderful
today is its antipode
Oh
for those of you who may wonder
i’m heading down to LA in a few hours
and will be there as long as it takes me to get to Tucson
(i’d like to get there monday or before (new moon)
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