i forgot to say!
i went to see the Kings of Convenience wednesday night
they were Great!
Rotton Robbie was there too
and he took polaroids of me and other friends
to send to a friend, Dax
who got his C5 smashed in a car crash
so anyone who knows him and doesn’t know this
or anyone who doesn’t necessarily know him
but knows who to project healing energy
spend a moment with his spine
and sooth it
— we want him to walk and make music and love again
thanks.
. . .
this kid i had met said
“thanks for not ripping me to shreds in your journal”
while i was waiting for the bus
this guy smiled at me
and we started talking
i don’t usually wait for busses
i walk to the next one
and often just get to where i’m going
or nearly (and then don’t bother with the bus)
before the bus ever gets to me
but this guy starts talking
and i understand it is good to have randomn conversations sometimes
and he looks like he needs a smiling face to with
we talk
at eachother
take turns
there are compliments and excuses
i don’t need to give that detail again
but while we’re on the bus
he asks something about intelligent people… or artistic? or maybe that question about single?
i don’t remember
i just remember i looked at him and said
‘ i tend to like to rip my friends to shreds, i pick them apart and look at the inside of all of their fragments… i like them to tell me why they do and feel things… i want us to both be conscious of it ‘
he says
“well, even if you’re conscious of the things you do in your life… doesn’t mean it’ll change… this guy once asked me why i was attracted to this same type of man over and over and i said — I AM! and i know that but it’s just the way it is”
i paused
and said
‘ true, true enough: just knowing why you do things and noticing you do things doesn’t stop…but noticing and knowing gives you the option to continue: eg- i always am attracted to Leos… i always will be- i find them beautiful and attractive and i like to tell them so and that pleases them… and i am good at pleasing them… BUT
comming to knowledge of this also showed me the rest of the relationship: i am so busy pleasing them i forget myself… and they are so busy being pleased they certainly don’t worry about pleasing me… they think i’m plenty happy pleasing them…
so now that i’m aware of it, i can enjoy it like a fine pastry
but never again to think i could live off that ‘
he looks puzzled and says
” yeah, i guess you can respond to your feelings differently ”
‘yeah’
squishing through the morning dreaming
the first boy i ever had sex with
T.E.D.
we’re in my parent’s Barbie Dream House
but there’s an apocalyptic burning-barn fire-scene happening outside
(which actually happened… so maybe this dream is dated to when i was 15)
he’s really sad
he’s telling me how he’s going to kill himself
— i’m asking him why
i’m trying to convince him otherwise
and he blows up at me
“DOMINIC! you’re ALWAYS trying to kill yourself and you’re ALWAYS giving me more reasons to do so faster than I come up with reasons to live”
i feel bad about this
but can’t really defend myself against it…
amdist this small drama (because neither of us kill ourselves)
there is a party going on
in that desolate Indiana way
cold and damp
bon-fires
people standing around all bundled up
through the rain
tents
sheds
wandering through the masses
what are we looking for?
sex?
friends?
somewhere to not be cold tonight?
—
i wake to Plumpy bouncing on top of me after Plumpy has thrown a pillow on my head
(didn’t push down)
he says
“i’m sorry you don’t like san francisco”
and i say
‘ but i like Plumpy… the Plumpies are my favourite people in San Francsico ‘
Plumpy Lumps!
but, of course, bitching makes bitching makes unhappiness makes unhappiness
i don’t want to spread that around
ooops! did it again
i’ll be quiet now til i feel something better to say
it’s a beautiful sunny day outside..
hmmm
slept with paul
woke up
slowly
so slowly
then watched “Cannibal: The Musical”
started sifting through emails and trying to figure out what the fuck to do
the guy who offering me his room in cole valley didn’t call back
what the fuck was i going to do?
well
let me tell you
it came through:
i found a place to live
but it’s my little secret
i’m not going to talk about it
til i’ve moved in and feel secure about it
i want to protect it, nourish it, keep it concentrated
so i’ll tell you about it as it blossoms
but it’ll be about two weeks from now
anyway
that makes me feel great.
then i went to visit this guy
http://www.huskyhunk.com
http://danielwasko.com/sexwork
http://fatart.org
he was great
we cuddled and talked
and that was night
then a massage client i had met in the past
saw my ad reposted
and called me round 10:15
so i went off to give a massage
which was GREAT
took a cab home
and paul let me in
now it’s two
and time for sleep
love ya
Better Days
i just spent the entire first half of the day walking in the sunshine.
i’m feeling better.
yesterday i wanted to do this
but slept in til past noon
and it clouded over pretty quickly and started pouring…
i had dinner with a friend at one of those cult-sponsored-yogi-vegetarian places
and then a voice came from far off to remind me to not half-ass my life and do what i really want and need and to PAY ATTENTION TO MY FEELINGS
ok.
Then Leo picked me up
and i spent many hours cuddling and talking with him
Great
i love it when relationships are so much more vivid and passionate
coz you only see each other every TWO weeks for A night…
[sigh]
(‘whatever works, honey’)
Leo dropped me off in the lower haight so i could get a juice
(vegetable: beet, parsley, ginger, apple, carrot, fennel…? and a wheat-grass shot… and a bottle of water)
and i checked my email:
only ONE person, so far, has responded to all the emails i’ve sent out to craigslist looking for housing
ONE
and she said i could come look at the place at 11 this morning
about 15 minutes?
i jumped on the buss up to Ashbury Heights
and made it right on time.
she wasn’t home.
S’OK.
i walked down to Haight Street
wandered around
felt the gathering frustration of being in such a commercial space
and the fact that i really needed to poo
and there are NO public restrooms…
i got to golden gate park
and the restrooms were locked
— a little kiosk on the corner… those toilet-booth things:
out of order (dead)
so?
McDonald’s!
the only thing i’ve given to them in the last 9 years is my shit and piss
Grrrr
i walked from there back through the park
up around the stadium
and up fredrick’s street back to where this house was i was looking at
— still not home.
walking away
i notice a dead bird on the street
and went to move it to the trunk of the tree; cover it with dirt.
it was a humming-bird.
bad omen anyway, eh? don’t want to live here.
beautiful little thing– i’ve never been able to hold one before.
i picked it up and studied it
a feather came off in my fingers, i smoothed it and saved it
and buried it by the base of the tree.
then walked up the street to Buena Vista Park..
walked around…
up to the top
dogs, “hello”, glancing
down one side
two guys on a bench, smiles and laughs, glances
“hello”
i had to take a pee
and by that time i noticed i was being watched
OK
— we became friends
and he introduced me to the park
— even though i’ve been in this park before and know it’s cruisy-fame
i’ve never done anything here
he showed me where it all goes down
and a nice Haitian man offered me Lunch.
some cute young boy (31) really wanted to play
but i explained to him my tastes and he offered me his number
— explaining he’d be happy to introduce me to interesting people when i get settled in.
i walked down the hill, into the castro
on Noe, i noticed the flower guy is gone…
— i hope he’s in baltimore taking care of his shit —
i thought, as i slipped in a pile of dog crap.
Ok.
bought another juice (this one not fresh, just a Naked juice in a bottle)
walked to Market
bought another bottle of water
made some (dead-end) calls
walking down market
i saw a kid i see around often
often, meaning 10 times in the last 3 years or so…
but i always remember him
he’s handsome
— he’s from Santa Cruiz..
turns out he’s living up here in the city now
and the house he’s living in has a room for rent
— up on twin peaks
four house mates — for at least a year
ughhh,
might not be what i need
but good to be in touch: someone to hike and kick around town with…
walked down to church
and got a Cactus Burrito
yummmm
then headed back here, to Tiffany Manor
feeling much better
and
ready to send more emails
last night’s sleep
was like a junkie’s withdrawl
(wow, i’m usuing powerful similies lately that i feel might piss off people who have actually had these experiences and make me sound like a drama queen… but it’s how i’m feeling)
i tossed and turned
my head filled with snot
sweating profusely
shaking
shivering
going in and out of “dreams”
— a thousand angels, all my friends, were soothing me
lifting me
washing me
taking me
to all the potentials i create playing on the internet
living them
forcing me to go through
all the hopes and dreams i create
in the eathers…
yesterday’s post was just me feeling like shit
and needing to drain some of the puss out
feel bad
and allow myself to feel bad.
i re-edited it about 6 times.. adding things i wanted to say that i had forgot initially… then curbing a few things back
and the first reply i got to it made me feel really funny
like ” don’t fuck yourself up, babe, there are greater things a-head ”
treat myself more preciously
don’t even know what’s good for me
it’s confusing in this city
it’s really hard for me to keep balanced
but i’m working on it.
61 henry and the other place that guy had in the mission both rented immediately
so i’m still looking for a place
it looks like i’ll need a little over $2000 to get my own apartment/studio
there have been some great deals
but they all include a security deposit
and i’m about $600 short right now
so i need to rent a room for a month or a few weeks
gather up the cash
THEN get my own apartment
future: we’ll see how it works out
til then
enjoy the day
thank you.
SO
last night i went out after writing and played with a guy in the south bay…
a big round chef
cute
so sad.
his partner makes him feel bad for being fat
— he’s really big and round
but sexy!
you know the kind… like the chefs in “in the night kitchen”
but no stache…
he’s afraid of his beard coz it’s white…
he’s 38
fun to play with
but sad.
the whole story?
i’ll put it in a cut
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