sitting in the airport
Yo
i’ll talk about today:
on no, i can’t really do that til i give the whole context
so i’ll just make a small note:
i got to the air port with less than an hour for my departure time
huffing and puffing
feeling good
i got to the gate (9)
sat down
and they announced that the flight would be 2 hours late
sitting here
yeah
answered all the comments i’d not had time to answer the last few days
alright
yeah, waiting
i’ll be landing in NYC at 2:30
YEAH
mercury retrograde
dancing on the 23rd
yeah
it’s been raining here for days
(weeks? months?)
it’s been snowing in NYC that long
(will i be able to land when we fly there?)
today it was sunny for my leaving
good
thanks
yeah
thanks!
and now
it is Snowing in NY
so i’ve got on some layers
did i pack my hat?
got long hair
late night
knock on the door
“there’s music on clinton street all through the evnings”
yeah.
… but everything has been pretty good for a send-off
so far.
i’m off for breakfast
seeing a friend
then he’s driving me to the airport…
i’ll write on the plane
and post upon arrival..
or oppurtunity
even though it’s winter
it never really gets cold here…
in Leo’s apartment, that is
it’s upstairs
the woman who lives down stairs is in her 90’s…
she always has the heat cranked up
— we have to open the doors and windows sometimes
to let the brisk coastal breezes air out the sweltering room:
What is it like down there?
Leo asked me if would Walk Lighter…
i guess i stomp around a lot
a friend once said
“you white folk are always banging your feet in the earth”
he, being half red-indian
let himself feel haughty about his soft-footedness
Leo told me he’d noticed there’d been someone staying with the old lady every day for a few weeks
he figured there must be something wrong
and when he went down to ask one day
the daughter answered the door
“is she ok?” he said
seeing her looking like a pale rasp of herself in the chair in the corner of the room, breathing heavily
the daugher smiled
” oh, yes: she’s fine…”
yesterday
when Leo was home for Lunch
an ambulance came and took her away…
Leo was quite concerned
he went out to talk with the Paramedics
“is she alright?”
“you know, she doesn’t want to be in a care-home… so when she get’s sick we have to take her into the hospital.. she’ll be alright”
but i wonder…
is it going to be cold up here now?
can anyone
ever face death
honestly?
Are thre lonely housewives or elderly folk
who are actually Happy to hear the Telemarketers call?
do they breathe a silent sigh of relief that they have someone to talk with for a while?
someone who
maybe
also has a life as… Spacious as theirs
but in a different way
they cannot pronounce their name properly
or may be asking for someone who doesn’t even live there…
but it’s a human
and you can ask them about the weather in…
where are they?
Arizona…
or
Colorado…
do they have conversations?
do their husbands or concerned children ever yell at them for giving so much money to randomn charities
or all the packages and letters that arrive
alerting them to their new services?
does this fulfill the need for something?
… everyone’s gotta keep warm.
SO
i’ve left the Hermitage
i was trying to kinda keep it under wraps
but i never asked anyone for secrecy
so it got out on a friend’s journal
and, Yeah
i’m moving to NYC on the 23rd.
it’s just after the equinox
and mercury will be retrograde in Aries
and the moon is waxing, nearly full
i packed a bunch of stuff into
my back-pack
a huge suit-case i took from Y
and a duffel bag i took from my father
mailed a large box of books (and my essential oils) to NYC already
media mail
we should arrive around the same time.
i land at about 11:30 in JFK on Jet Blue
i’m anxious
but not in a bad way
and i talk more about it
i drove up to the hermitage
via Harbin Hot Springs
saturday morning
with Frank Martin and Paul Brown
( ednixon and bigredpaul )
kinda morning
it’s hard to escape the vortex
and i eventually felt anxiety near panic trying to get us out of there
and we made it…
dropped off my info with my friend john… so he could see TuxedoMoon… which i bought a ticket for
but can’t see
as i won’t be down there for it.
rainbow grocery..
up through the napa valley
lengua burrito… probably last for a while
at La Luna grocery in Rutherford
Harbin
hmmmm
the broken rib i got from wrestling with my teacher when i was a kid came back like a splinter of pain
Paul was massaging me
i was swimming
i was screaming underwater and shaking around
it came out
i flopped around like a fish
i was so high
the house was sleepy when i got here
the boys crashed out
i finished making my absinth blend
and slept round two..
the next morning was slow
made Kitchari in the pressure cooker
and then we headed back to the springs…
there was an uncommonly beautiful man
frank said “Stunning”
i watched him move everywhere
when he got into the water
i was fixated on every part of him
we looked and glanced and smiled
i started working on Paul
and he came over to stand by Frank
i got the impression he wanted him
but then i massaged Frank
and then i massage the beautiful man
and we hugged and talked
for nearly two hours.
Ok.
i said
“i treat harbin like the garden of eden: here i have no judgement or critism.. i let that go and just enjoy the beauty… everyone is beautiful here… i’m not like this everywhere…”
i lay naked in the sun
i did the hot and cold work
i was so high…
and came home to meet Leo
we talked and hugged and hugged and talked
he made dinner
of fussili pasta. Portobello tomato sauce from a jar… and peas from a can…
Leo made a dinner of Fussili pasta and portabello love potion sauce
… with canned peas.
canned food makes everything taste…
Canned
the taste of my child hood..
ugh… those days, those awful days.
we set up the bed outside on the deck
the thick down duvet
the thick cotton/poly sleeping bag opened to cover us both
the thin cotton sun/moon blanket a big john had given me years ago…
the wind was blowing a gale!
the trees were screaming
but it was a beautiful night
we snuggled up warm
and let the stars sing us to sleep…
but the stars always fill my head with ideas
and i remembered that canned food is dead food
and that you should put life in to dead food before you eat it
so that it doesn’t have to leech life from your body to be digested
(you have to make it alive again before your body can use it)
so i
retroactively
went into the food (before we ate it)
and filled it with light.
life.
What a good idea…
[i wondered]
and it occurred to me…
wouldn’t it be great if they taught us that in school?
if i could be the uncle of every child
and find the opportune moment to ask them
“have they ever taught you about breathing yet?”
and then teach them..
wouldn’t it be wonderful if we all learned prana-yama or qi-gung as children…
wouldn’t it be wonderful if we learned it at all?
but the stars reminded me
it was clear
there is no time anyway
so i was the man in the wallpaper
at the small house i grew up in
in the blue room where i tried to find the door out of reality
i would stare into the wallpaper and make up stories of the designs
now
i was in the wall paper
i said
“Nicky…”
i was the man outside
“Nicky, go outside…”
i was in the trees, the vines, the ivy and oak, the corn and briars…
“Nicky…”
i was the great crab-apple tree
Nicky used to sleep walk a lot
i don’t remember
my parents told me
“Nicky…”
i called him
“mom,” he would say, ” i can’t find the sky in the garage ”
and dance in front of the TV
i was outside, i was the tree
“Nicky, come out through the garage, come around the corner, to the left…”
he stood under the great tree, looking up at me
“Nicky… have they taught you about breathing yet?”
“no…”
Nicky is five years old…
“Nicky, when you breathe… breath in as much as you can..
that’s right
let your chest get really big
yeah, til you can feel it tingling in your toes
.. do you know what you’re breathing in?
Have they told you about Life?
When you breathe in
you are breathing air and Life
when you breathe out
you are breathing out air and Life
everything around you is made of Life
everything around you is giving you Life
: Breathe it in..
it’s infinite… it’s all around you forevermore.. it will never run out
and when you breathe out… you are giving your Life to everything around you
so is the Life inside of you infinite: you will never run out
breathe your Life into everything you see and hear and feel
and breathe in Life from everything around you
learn to do this all the time…”
i could feel Nicky breathing
i could feel him remembering
in my body
i could feel myself growing up
learning about Love and Life
knowing it all along
from a little kid
i can remember my friend in the trees
the faeries…
i had a different childhood than i had
the wind was screaming through the trees
and Leo’s body was giving off heat like a fire
i was warming myself
i was breathing Life into him
and feeling his radiate into me
the wind was screaming in the trees
and the stars were singing us to sleep
all night i don’t know if i slept
i dreamt
i was going through different times and teaching myself
i breathing
i was floating and shifting
hat on my head
nose exposed
eyes cold
finding peace somewhere
and the negative ions in the air
the shooting stars punctuating my fantasies
the dawn rising
red along the horizon cut through the branches of the cedar
little bits of branches and seeds falling on us all night
the sun was coming
and i guess it’s time to start the day:
i have to pack everything
i have a lot of work ahead of me.
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