(laughs)
i’ve had a lot to say
i’ve just been falling through the city
earth’s spinning faster than my feet
running circles like a cartoon road runner
feet not touching the ground
but working hard
spinning faster
i’ll hit the ground soon
and amble on
but currently
exhausted
tired boy
just got back from the hamptons
where’s my baby?
doesn’t pic up the phone
Merc
i know you’ll be back in just a few days
golly
i’m tired of this
it’s so much nicer to sleep with a bud…
hello all
— i’ll back date a bunch of the fragments i’ve been working on over the last week/+
i went out to East Hampton with a friend
a guy i talked with just a month ago
met up with
and had a good connection with.
a Lawyer
an Italian
quite a daddy
good heart
but i feel he’s protecting himself (from me?)
and though he’s really hot
he’s never had a long term relationship more than a few years
and though that’s not something i’ve even accomplished
i feel like someone in their 60’s should have
(for some reason)
if not a husband
at least
“well, there is this guy i’ve been friends with for 20 years… we have lots of sex and do lots together… we just haven’t ever done the living-together-married-thing”
i mean
i don’t know if i’ll ever have a husband
but i want consitant lovers
so i’ve taken him as one
— i wonder if he knows that?
driving over 70 on the L.I.E. out to the south fork
swirving around cars
he’d yell at them
— i’d massage his forearm
(the lyrics in the song i’m hearing right now — MarketFresh by Broken Social Scene — say over and over ” i could have mattered if you let me ” )
we got to his little cabin among the millions of dollars houses
i felt like i needed to help bring the breath in
we opened the windows and doors
moth balls running around the walls
i found the tools
and scrapped out the leaves piled in the corners of the outside of the house
deck
water leaks
floor shakes
doors falling apart
“i’ve been waiting for another guy to come along to motivate me to fix this all up”
with such a co-dependant attitude, how could he not jump from relationship to relationship?
i realize i am in new territory
Men do not function out here like they do in California
not like in Europe
not like in my generation
or even 20 years before this one
i’m learning
i’m listening
what’s the deal?
he smokes pot all the time
and no, he’s not a Leo, he’s a Taurus
and i end up in the same position i’ve talked about with my other Important Taurus i just left
but i did smoke some pot
and i gave myself the mental intention of “let’s make this a transmission”
meaning, i wanted the sexual energy to really imbue me
marijuana magic
laying on top of him
i started melting into him
sliding into him
and with his cock down my throat
i kept sucking it deeper
breathing less air
and more just raw energy comming from that wand..
when he came
it was like breathing
and it washed through my whole body
— went on for about ten minutes
i don’t know
i felt in a place of power
arranged the energy from below and above
nourished he and i
balanced
enriched
yeah
then gave him mine
through his chest
back into me
simple
some people i feel like i could cuddle forever and ever
and shouldn’t all sex just be a precurser to spending 7 hours in bed
naked
touching eachother at a billion little points
words flowing through ears and lips
dreaming in and out…
everyone in this city has to get up
and go.
i walked barefoot in the sand
got a chill…
there was an awkwardness the whole time
would be off-putting if it weren’t for the accompanying familiarity
alright.
so it goes.
the drive home left me exhausted
though i was still very much in service mode
(i’ve been exploring this lately, talk about it other back-logues of the last week or two)
so lay my head in his lap while he was stuck in the night traffic
i made some phone calls
i wanted to lay in bed and watch movies with a friend
but didn’t reach him
so i got home
exhausted
but stayed up til four anyway
— sucked off some guy on the roof
found him on criagslist
interesting fellow
hot italian
— everything is the potential for a friendship
do we have the time and energy?
i am alive and well in NYC
grey
rainy
glad to be home
lots of stuff going on
i’ve been writing about the trip
but it’s not done yet
and NYC has me sucked into the flow already
so
once again
just letting you know i’m here
be back with more soon
slept well
nice firm bed
here at the Northern Hotel
scenic
down
town
Billings Montana
i opened up the blinds
let the light stream in
sunny
city in a basin
empty streets
the quiet
— i need to get out and walk around
but it was hard to get out of bed
eventually i started messing with my new phone again
which led one thing to another
Technology gets me hard
in my morning masturbation
i held in my cum as i usually do
but then went directly to take a shower
and had a bladder full of piss…
while i waited for the water to warm up through those old pipes
i pissed a great arch up over my belly
— it was so high
it reached my mouth
i took a sip from the bubbler
and was surprised
: it tasted like cum.
Hmmmm, interesting
i showered
but hated the soap here so much
i only used a little of it
enjoyed the water for a while, though
then dried myself off…
i noticed i had cum in my hair on my belly, my bush
golly, i had it all over me!
pulling out little gelly-clumps…
i’d precum a bit.. but…
not THAT much
i lifted my foot to dry it
cum stuck between the toes
Damn!
i’d not cum in a few days
but i held it in!
New Discovery:
when i “hold it in”
it must go from my balls up into my bladder
where, i guess, it can be re-absorbed into my body as best it can…
perhaps it goes back up into the kidney’s to nourish the Jing?
i dunno
old Yoga Science…
learn something new every day
is this OK?
i am sorry
but i can’t seem to respond to email right now
it feels safe writing to you
no one…
i’m writing a letter to myself for everyone
i want a bit of forgiveness
i’ve heaped a bit too much on myself
mercury is in retrograde
you will get to replies tonight.
i have 390 emails marked as “unread” in my inbox right now
meaning i may have looked at them
but couldn’t bring myself to deal with them.
i have put indexing rules in my mailer
so messages from Nay and LJ comments come to separate folders
smaller number
infrequently
i can deal with that
yet still
i have three lj comments still marked for dealing with..
today i bought a new mobile phone
i am tired of running out of minutes all the time
infuriating
communication
and maybe i rushed into it
but the nice latino guy in Queens gave me a better deal than the internet was offering me
so i went for it
though i could hear the astrologer’s advice in my mind’s ear
“don’t sign contracts during mercury retrograde”
☿ currently 8° retrograded from 14° in ♈
direct on the 12th, back at 1°
…
will return to 14° on May 1st…
happy Belatane! moving on…
as we started to land in Minneapolis
the pilot fucked up the distance
the plane shook
as it slowed down and neared the ground
then burst forward
taking off again up into the air
— we missed the strip
circling around Minneapolis was crazy
it struck me with a wonder…
flying out of San Francisco…
Flying over Chicago…
there are so many cities
like São Paulo
going on forever in every direction
count up each person
each identical house
how many are there?
why so many?
how much bigger and sprawlier are they gonna get?
when i land in Billings
will it be just as big and unforgiving of nature?
the plane taking me there is smaller
i feel like an old friend when i get on board
i smile
having waited til the line died down
writing on this lap top
scurrying down the hall
here i am on the plane now
two seats on the right, three on the left
i decide not to sit in my assigned seat
to take up an empty row in the back
but taxiing drives me crazy:
i’m right next to the engine
it warbles and moans
and i can’t take that much resonating magnetics and noise
as soon as the plane stabelizes in the air
i flee to the middle of the craft
taking up an empty aisle seat without explination to the poor business man by the window:
i must.
Where’d the next Story Go?
“Miss American Pie”
Mr Glück’s book took another turn
and suddenly he was humble and fumbling
Human as i know him
not trapped in a hole as a child
as both of us were
but are no longer.
this story talked about witnessing it
and having high hopes for it.
Onward.
being up in the sky makes me feel empty
like i’m only composed of dirt when i’m really close to it
and when i’m soaring through the air
i’m just wind
i feel empty
maybe it’s just reading Robert Glück’s book “Denny Smith”
the short tryptich called “Three from Thirteen”
maybe it’s just being that age in that place he grew up (the suburbs in the Valley of southern california) back when he grew up
so empty
the line:
“… I can’t imagine a place for myself in the world, I hope the world imagines it for me.”
i feel angry
and empty
i feel judgemental
talking with Bob a few weeks ago
i felt like i was being sultry
as if i were trying to seduce him
but he didn’t want me for my physical beauty
he’d only want me for my brains
“… Medici wore pearls with amethyst…”
i want my best friend
i thought of Eli as i walked through Jackson Heights today
got a new cell phone
missed Eli
wanted to call him and just be his friend
and on the airplane
i wanted to land in Minneapolis and just talk with an old friend
wanted him to be waiting for me there at the gate
instead
i’m crammed on this plane
when i’ve gotten so used to JetBlue with no 2nd class
this airline does it’s best not to mention the hierarchy over the PA
but the word-play annoys me even more
and i’m looking across the aisle at the poor skinny girl with the clothes that make her look like a robot, studying Forensic Science, a million MtV stickers in her text-book, super-cool spray-paint-logo’d Chuck All-Star(fucker)s
i want to ask her if she feels bad that her life has been decided for her by Television
then started thinking about Robert
and all the bitchy cruel things he’s said to me in the last few years
the few words he’s said to me
so angry at me for leaving him
so angry at him for not being present to me
angry
empty
and being judgemental makes me fart
maybe i don’t really feel this way
maybe i’m just tired
maybe this is how it feels leaving the womb of New York City
my new home
while i’m in the air
nowhere…
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