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i slept two hours thursday night
when i finally layed down somewhere after 4AM
(ready to go for the morning)
there was a chatter in my head
fierce
many voices
talking faster than i could keep up
i tried just not keeping up
but they kept going
breathing
bringing myself to peace, stillness
infinity
helped: i dropped out somewhere.
woke up a little over two hours later
still very tired
but feeling pretty rested
(it was facilitated resting: with all the meditation and reiki)
yoga
and woke my body up
GO GO GO
took the F to 14th
and walked down to pick up the rental car
John met me there
he didn’t sleep at all
got some coffee
and walked down
from Woodside (Queens)
we drove back to Clinton
got my stuff
and picked up Lori at the corner of Essex and Delancey
and got out of town.
i drove from about 8am to 12
then John drove
i went to sleep
crashed pretty hard
but only for a half hour or so
coz he was so spaced out
caffeine and his own craziness
he kept swerving and jerking all over the road: i couldn’t sleep like that
he drove us down to Raleigh: Cary: where he was looking at some property to buy.
Bye Bye
Lori took the wheel and drove out on 40
we talked
we had really intense conversations
very passionate
intricate…
she said she was expelling too much energy
(she, herself, had only slept two hours the night before… though she did sleep pretty deeply for about four hours while i was driving)
it was making her tired
so we switched to listening to music more
Arcade Fire
we had an amazing experience to
“In the Backseat”
it was fun
but it WAS late
10pm
in the smokey mountians
she drove through NC into Tennessee
and i took the wheel for a few hours
— she crashed out pretty quick.
eventually
i decided it was best i rest
she woke
and said she’d drive some more.
i decided i would sleep
climbed in the back seat
and slept.
—
i was watching a movie with a friend
(Leo? Robert? Nayland? Lori?)
it was interesting
coz it got me really involved in the plot
he said
“it’s a great movie
coz you’re not just watching it
it’s watching you
and you’re not done with it
til you figure it out and get through it”
and
all of a sudden
i realized that I was the protagonist in the film
all the events were happening around me
but hey stopped being linear or even temporal
they just happened in extended eternity
everything was entirely Lucid
the man i had the relationship downstairs
his back yard
the fruits
his wife
the monkey suit
my desires for him
her
their relationship
the things i did for it
my mother
i lived THROUGH this story for a while
til i realized i was stuck in some pattern
and didn’t want to be here anymore
loving this man
who couldn’t love me back
but did
by giving me fruit?
hiding behind my mother
as i confronted all of these characters
not with words
but with intensity of being
it all changed
like white light exploding
i was carried off
out of that entire dynamic reality
all of the beings looked like purple hanging paper lanterns
long
faces
clothes
floating over plastic white clouds
a bazaar
desires for sale
i marveled at the things “people” “bought”
a “man” stretched out
while another being raped him with a large brass monkey-god idol
foods
clothes
yes
religeous experiences
relationships
i saw something
it turned me on
and i was back in the movie
having a conversation
(i’ve forgotten it now)
but
similiarily
(was it the tree house in the back yard?)
i was stuck there
until i came to full awareness of the envelopment of the situation
i was SO lucid now
from this level of processing
that i recognized this situation as an acid trip
i didn’t remember taking the drug
but here i was
so i had to be very careful:
this was a matter of most importance
life or death
existential fate
: this is how i remade my life.
i was processing through my desires
and understanding why they attracted me
how they moved me
what i got out of them
and what it cost
i was finishing them
flittering through them…
i felt myself asleep in the back of the car
by the ocean
i was in LA
with Leo in the driver’s seat
he was asleep too
i could feel him sleeping
i was sleeping
i didn’t feel safe.
there were kids banging at the outside of the car
pattering
drumming
there was a banging
Shit: they’re taking the subwoofer out of the trunk!
fuckers
whatever
i’m tired
i try to start the car
and realize they have taken apart the engine!
i’m pissed off now
not scared
but don’t let my anger get the best of me
Leo and i get out of the car
graffitti
cement
fucking mess of civilization
the kids
the cast-offs
what is this?
i talk with them
am i a street-jesus?
what am i brining to them
i don’t need this
i’m back in the movie
fell from one level to another
but not UP again
i ascend
beyond what i can describe . . .
i’m back in the back seat of the car
they kids are banging at the outside
i don’t care
i turn over and go back to sleep
is Leo ok?
i’m in the movie
she shows me the picture of Linda
Eli’s mom
her handsome (not pretty) face
her curly dark hair surrounding her head
is that my mother?
she’s there in front of me
no
it’s a black man with an afro
i’m being confronted with my issues concerning gender, nurture and race
she/he is shifting
and i’m sticking
i can’t figure it out
i keep telling “them” (who are making this movie)
that i’m too Tired
that i’ve been pushing too hard
having too much sex
wasting too much energy
i’m Tired
—-
i gasp
my mouth is pressed against my forearms
in the back seat of the car
crunched up
so fucking cold
we’ve stopped moving
there is a light
are we at an underpass?
oh shit: i have AIDS
i just failed my life test
i’m terrified
is it almost morning?
oh god
do i have to go back into that movie again?
i’m sorry i failed
i want to learn
please teach me
please
give me another chance
please
i’m so cold
wholly shit
where am i?
what’s going on?
“Lori: are you awake?”
“Yes”
i figure it must be her
she must have given me this dream
like fish
we dove into eachother in dreaming
became one
she helped me
no
she doesn’t remember having any dream
and
in fact
she’d only been asleep for about 10 mintues:
it was only 2:19 am or something
about an hour and a half after i fell asleep in the back seat
i am frantic
trying to explain
trying to keep it to myself
trying to understand
being coy
trying to get her to tell me.
i’m cold
i go to put on more clothes
the cord-o-roy
the zipper is stuck
the women’s zipper
there is a kink in my genetic chain
on shit: i have AIDS
i’m terrified
i’m talking
the zipper is stuck
i’m listening
i’m being humble
the zipper goes through
straightens out
somehow
it’s alright now
i open the door to pee
and we’re on a deserted road
it’s raining
there is a creek
raging below us:
She parked above a creek!
it was the undines!
THANK YOU!
i bundle up
and go back to sleep
to peaceful sleep
thank you.
——–>
i woke up at 6
we drove into nashville
Goat met us an hour later
and it took us many more to get back to the Mountain
everything was muddy
i’ve never seen it like this
but my heart was overflowing with love
and i just wanted to rush around and be a part of it all
but we went back to his house
and napped
slept
rested
loved.
time for down
and nourish
yes
slept a lot
now it’s beltane
and it’s time for play.

goat woke up and told me these dreams:
—
We were on a beach
on the ocean
with cliffs on all sides
i was sitting in the water
with my pants on
you were naked.
—–
We were in some big city
could have been new york
we were talking
you were sitting on a door-step
and turned into an alligator
red, with brown stripes
you turned into a snake, and slithered along the balustrade
same colours
then turned into an amphibian-type
iguana
you could put your legs out and pull them in
— we were just talking
then you curled yourself up into a horny scaly ball
and some punk-kids came along and asked me if i had a slam piece
i said ” i did, but he turned into that ”
pointed to the ball
they told me i had to leave town!
i stuck my finger up your asshole and carried you off like that..
—-

… take a shower
lay down
close my eyes for a few moments
jump up erect at 6:23 am!
walk, yes, walk
up to 12th street
yes i am
gonna rent a car!
first time i ever rented a car ever!
wow
gonna
i’magonna
wait
and meet these two other kids
and we’re gonna drive down to Tennesse
short mountain
know what that means, kids?
i’m off the grid for a few days (a week?)
i really need some time barefoot and naked in the trees
yeay for us.

— i’ve been making puppets
i’ve been VERY TIRED
spending every day hashing out the details
creating things
telling a story:
[simple]
Packaged food is poisonous to your health
be aware of what you put in your body
be involved with your nourishment
include your community
.
Good!
i’m so tired!
Bridget has been tired too
we are easily irritable when tired.
she fights with her boyfriend
they argue
they talk
they spend time talking
they would talk all about it!
i would get irritated with all the talking
but really
i would be jealous.
they Like this
what’s better
they LEARN from it
they both admit that it’s profitable
and they are appreciative of eachother’s input.
but my relationships.. NOOOOOO
No. Leo wouldn’t really respond.
Robert and Trevis would get Angry and Sullen
others just wouldn’t comprehend
i’m jealous of what they have
it’s painful to see the struggle
but it’s so beautiful
to see them growing.
i watch
i’m glad to be around them
because i am not in a relationship right now
i wonder if i’d like to be?
slide in skin-to-skin in the dark of night…
but didn’t i come here, kinda
to be in a relationship?
yes yes
but mostly with my self
addmittedly
…
but there is a boy here who i love dearly
not in a weird desperate way
not like that at all
i just love him
i just want him in my life
i just want to be in his
i want conversations and arguments
i want us to chase eachother through the park
i want to get gleaming with sweat with him
— it’s good to want things.
today
making the puppet show
fixing the stage
walked through Bed-Sty
Nostrand to Fulton
turn left
find the hardware store
all the black people calling out “jesus”
whispering it under their breath
joking
serious.
i buy dowel rods
i buy curtain rods
at the counter
i see leather-key-rings with astrology names printed on them
i don’t realize this
at first
i only see the name “Leo”
i deliberate…
upon realization
i pull of the Leo anyway
— extra rings scatter to the floor
i pay $1.50 for it
odd thing to do
why?
do i want a Leo in my life?
do i want to be my own Leo?
July 17th…
tonight is the full moon
well, the opposition is tomorrow at 6:06 in the morning
sun in taurus, moon in scorpio
lunar eclipse.
a perfect time for sex magic
but i’m so tired
i will just sleep and cuddle with Fritter
a faery friend who is visiting this big city
(to see Spam-a-Lot)
i will wake when i wake
maybe things will be clearer in the morning

making puppets…
sleepy…
wiping the paper maché
reading the strips of newspaper
she-males?
tits and ass
tits and ass
village voice
painting
sewing
hot glue
burning fingers
blisters
experiementing:
i can do anything if i… Try
i can do it.
sometimes i do.
very tired now
when i’m this sleep deprived
i turn into a total asshole
so
it’s time to get to bed
huuuuuuuuuu

i was in england again
in school
(i didn’t sleep very well last night, there was a boy in my bed who wanted to cuddle with me and i didn’t feel comfortable with it: didn’t feel confidant. i was tired. laying on my back wishing for peace. he was in turmoil- it was late)
i was trying to get acquainted with the large long halls
the old building
i had already made friends with the Headmaster…
( a large bearded fellow [yeah, right])
i found my way to class
and the Teacher immediately noticed i didn’t need to be there
and tried to find me something else to do
we went to talk to the Headmaster
he agreed, from the side of his face
“yes, why don’t you send him to Office Depot to create copies of the school’s Hard Drives and pay him $200”
which i played down, but was grateful for
it didn’t happen
somewhere in a shift
i walked around the school
down stairs was a pool area
large pool, green waters
hot tubs
sauna
everyone was staring at me
small jaccuzzi
where a mother was nursing her child
as i walked by
i slipped
and my foot fell in the water
! — did i kick her?
as i lay on the cold wet tiles
i was glad my boot was gore-tex and wouldn’t leak…
( i woke up with drool on my arm: he’s still sleeping.. i should get to work finishing the puppets… )

“this is the beard
i’m always growing”
i was thinking about
butch
and what they say
they must mean something else
feeling
i was wondering what i was wanting
feeling
Hungry!
and lustring
grinding my teeth
sucking at it
yapping
and eating
hungry
i was biting for it
and
tired
made myself tired from such striving
at nothing
wholly holey
ugh
UGH UGH!
long: so What.
what was sexy
what i wanted
some
CONFIDENCE
or
CONfiDANCE
Yeah!
boring
tired
said
“it’s boring to starve”
here’s my quotes of the year:
“starving is a boring way: starving is Boring”
and
“i am naturally a crazy person”
she laughed
but what do you do with people who’s lips would scrape the floor with heavy i-lids
doesn’t it get tiring?
i’m tired of it
i’m sure.
sexy
self-assured someone
want someone who’s OK with feeling and being
pushing and pulling
stand up and say
“Yeah: i Am”
that’s right.
OK.
nothing about saying and demanding things
not about that
i’ve got a friend i can sleep with
quote bob:
“…skin to skin, de-charging the fury of the day.”

… there’s so much i’d like to write about:
the cristian science mother church
eating at a shared table with colleged faculty? talking about Fresh Air and Gene Symons
indian buffet
Boston.
hey everyone
i’m in boston
and i’m really feeling the fact that i’m not writing enough
so i’ll get back to you soon
promise!
UGH

Today is a day i try to give myself Peace
don’t work myself up over things
relax
spend time alone
the door is shut
i didn’t go to sleep early last night
didn’t wake up too late today
but have done very little
but walk up on the roof
let my robe flap open
take in a bit of sun and wind:
beautiful day
must focus on updating my journal, not just what comes through the downloading program

inspiration?