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it’s become obvious to me that the money is a compensation for love
not just the love i’m giving to the client
that’s the more obvious
but the lack of attention i receive from my lovers
when i am sad
lonely
dejected
i look forward to the next client i’ll have
… tomorrow
regardless of his characteristics
i know he will give me a large sum
when i am through paying him attention
though it’s not love
it’s not attention
it’s a vitamin i can use to nourish myself
as i see fit

on the edge of a forest
the sky is constantly vacillating between day and night
though
the light doesn’t look like flashing
it’s the soft cool of the moon and stars
it’s the warmth of the sun
i’m barefoot in the grass
hear the sound of a small stream
walk over to it
into it
stand there a while
then climb up over the bank
to the other side
— a thick forest
like red woods
i walk in a while
then lay down
and become translucent

One of the things i learned from the massage tonight was
i’ve been stuffing my emotions
i decided that i would always be in pain
always be lonely
always be sad
so i just tuned the radar off those feelings so i wouldn’t have to notice them all the time
yeah
but they’re still there
here’s one of them:
i don’t like sleeping alone
i’m embarrassed to admit it!
but it comes out in ways
i don’t sleep well on my own
fuck: it’s nearly 4am and i’m still awake
— i’m afraid of my dreams
afraid of an empty bed
cold sheets
i always sleep better with someone else
well
someone i like
well… someone i love.
then there’s the problem of me fighting with my lovers
my father
of feeling misunderstood
isolated
alone
forgotten
inept
impotent
—
i decided the world was an insane fucked up sick place
and i decided that i couldn’t just throw it away and live with out it
so i moved to NYC to be a part of it
and that decision became only firmer here
thus
i have become furthermore insane fucked up and sick.
how useful is that?
(story’s not over, more to be told, more to learn)

Oh No!
i’ve been HIT, Pa
oh
i don’t think i’m down for the count, Pa
naw
it won’t kill me
though i may wish it would
i’ll stagger on, i’m sure
—-
well, son
we’ll see if you’re alive next week
then we’ll know how serious the damage is
right now
i just want you to rest and git to feelin’ better, alright?

he wants me to write about him
all i think about is this new person in my life
his name is Joshua
today we went to chinese new year down in china town
and jeff bought me this beautiful fire cracker
and i exploded it all over Mott street
and a parachute came out
which means good luck
and everyone applauded and followed it floating through the air
so he feels very hopeful about our future
but neglects to remember that the parachute got caught in the fire escape.

i woke at about 6am from a terrifying dream
Robert and Allen had invited me to their new house
Allen was hiring me to give Robert a massage
since i’d seen them last
they had both got very thin
full heads of hair (fake)
coiffed
tasteless gay clothes
voices having gone completely …
gay
as if they had been purged of their personalities.
they were living in a trailer
then the house was a suburb
then the house was a large ornate artistic mansion
then the house was part of a church
and i was having relations with the minister’s assistants
or were Allen and Robert the assistants?
i couldn’t give Robert a massage
and i couldn’t leave til i did it
he kept coming up with excuses
and evading me
so i’d walk around
looking at things
climbing through the secret passages of the church
up over the altar
up the walls
under the horse
fine
when nothing was happening
but i started breaking things
climbing around naked
the priest was angry
right before mass
in the back room
on the bed
were bodies
gutted
ground up
fetid blood mingled with the sheets
they explained to me it was good food
yes
food
i was doing my best to take it all in stride
because they were
so it must be normal
eating the rotten dead bodies
i turned
and noticed that robert had taken his clothes off:
below his head was just a spine and rib cage
the gentle curve…
down into the rotten meat of his back
left leg gone above the knee
green rotten flesh hanging off
floating? or standing on his right leg
i felt the teeth in my mouth swell and pound
my tongue pushing on them
they came out like candy corn
i spat two in my hand
two others were about to come out
i did my best to keep them in
but they just tumbled out
more teeth
more teeth
red and black and throbbing
i woke from fright
confusion
denial
i forced myself back into unconsciousness

when i got back in town
i looked through the Voice
and noticed
Broken Social Scene
would be playing at the end of the month
the paper said
“Saturday: SOLD OUT
new show open on Friday”
so when i went on line a few days later to buy a ticket for the friday show
it was sold out too
but they had opened one on Thursday
so i got two tickets
thinking i could get either Bridget or Nayland to go with me to the show
i was very excited to be able to see them.
so
the day came!
Bridget had cancelled in opt to go see Feist on the 10th of next month
Nayland had a Panel he was doing
so couldn’t come
so, just like monday, i was going out to have fun
on my own.
i put an ad on craigslist to sell the ticket
i searched for them first
didn’t see any
so put up an ad in the Tickets section
and the m4m section
wondering if there were any cool gay boys who knew the band who wanted to go see them.
i got a call about 5 minutes after i posted
though i assumed it was from the Tickets ad
coz the guy didn’t chat with me
was very business like
OK
taken care of
i woke up yesterday morning kinda sickly
stuffy
was it the dog hair?
or just the fact that i hadn’t been sleeping enough?
so
off i went into the day after taking care of my small errands
Q to ave J to the 6b down to Ave O
my friend Arthur was also a bit under the weather
we ate sandwiches and watched “Keeping Up Appearances”
… which i guess i had never seen before.
ugh.
england.
oswald was hot.
everyone else was kinda scary.
oh, he was scary too…
but would be fun for a day.
life there is such a closed system:
model for the suburbs
winds blowing through the desert..
they wanted to go to an Art Exhibition that the Mayor would be at
she made her husband buy books to research ART so they’d have something to talk about
he got a book of 23 essays on the Creative Process
she said
“Twenty Three! But the exhibition is Tonight! We don’t have time for all that”
Time.
i cuddled up and took a nap with him
and felt so thankful for people who don’t have day jobs
dark bedroom
warmth.
but i woke on time
natural internal clock
he was still asleep
i snapped a few sleeping pictures of him
and tried to tuck him in
but he threw the covers off: too hot
Ok
i was on my way.
stopped off at home to drop off my bag
and talked with Bridget
who should have been at work…
but had had some strange TMJ freak out that morning (also woke up ill)
so took the day off.
apparently my massage was still working through her.
good!
but i couldn’t convince her to go to the show with me
i ran back out into the night
cold
gotten colder
cccccccold!
and i missed the buss at every corner
and the Knish shop was closed
even though they were advertising being opened late
it was only 7:25
damnit.
i walked up to 3rd Ave and 11th st. /Webster Hall by 7:45
-scalpers everywhere-
met the boy
who seemed nice and all
but unengaging.
we stood in line a while
and then i got in.
and felt kinda lonely.
all the cool kids.
i took a strip of photos in the photo booth
i ate some popcorn
i put the pizza spices on
garlic salt
DJs in the bathroom
urinals filled with ice
chris working the coat check (a kid i’d met once long ago nowhere)
i walked around the hall
nice
DJ sucks
kids
cute bear boy
cute hipsters
cute girls
i pushed through the crowd
some sweet black boy blocking me
saying “dude, you have to say excuse me or hello or something”
as i was staring at the floor
and just pushing my way through
i stood in the centre of the audiance near the front
standing
thinking
staring at the stage
feeling awkward
having bad gass
thinking about how
in general
american culture is Anti Social
or maybe i was just trying to justify myself
thought how african and latin culture was much more social
well
then i started talking to some sweet hip kids next to me
and farted badly at the annoying het suburbanite Bridge & Tunnel people behind me
waiting
waited
they were supposed to come on at 8:30
then 8:45
but here we were at 9…
but then they came
eight of them on stage to start
5 guitarist, one base
one viloin
and a drummer
playing a song i didn’t know, but had seen on a 7″ when i’d been walking around:
“all the gods”
then two more people came out
two girls
they played 7/4 (shoreline)
— i’m not going through the whole set list
but after that
another four people came out playing horns
and everyone started switching instruments
i LOVE this
a group of friends who are all playing together
stretching and fluxing
having fun
it was a fantastic show
i really got into the grove
dancing
though… most of the people in the audiance were just standing and staring
the occasional guy shouting lyrics
only about ten people (maybe) dancing around me
near the end of the show [Hotel]
i was jumping up and down
and the lights were high on the house
the lead singer said
“and that song was for the guy with the long beard in the red shirt:
Enthusiam keeps you alive”
and then a few girls jumped towards me asking if they could touch my beard
and have their pictures taken with me
after that
they played “lover’s spit”
and the lead singer climbed down into the audiance
and spent about five minutes walking around huging everyone
i felt so good being there
that i’m considering talking to the scalpers and seeing if i can get tickets for either tomorrow or saturday’s show.
after the show
i tried to give the lead singer $20 for downloading his music
he said “it’s ok: it’s your’s to download”
and didn’t take it.
(shrugs)
love love loved it.
and even though it was cold
and i was feeling pretty shitty
i knew Nowhere was on the way home
so i stopped by to see if i could find my keys
(re: two days ago)
when i walked in
i saw Stephin sitting on a stool in the middle of the room
talking to… X!
so strange to see him in a bar: he doesn’t drink (ever)
i asked the bartender if he had my keys
and lo and behold
he did.
i think this is the FIRST time i’ve ever found something i’ve lost.
i got a whiskey and water to celebrate the finding of the keys
and sat with X and S to chat
feeling
yet again
a struggle with my pretentions
i don’t want to be a pretentious midwestern kid
i don’t want to steer my energy towards making people like me
— it never worked for me as a kid
and it makes me feel terrible when i do it now
but often here in NYC i find myself around people who are stars
or in close orbits with them
and i find myself trying to impress them
and it’s gross
i just want to be myself
and wish i were a bit more impressive on my own merrit…
and/or away from all of this and never have to deal with it
ah… the crux of my dichotomy of desires
Chris (who’d been working the coat room)
showed up
we talked about Mamma Mabley
and Pearl … Baley?
women i didn’t know
ah, the good ole days
C left
smoking with S outside
i found myself making comments about people
‘ he’s kinda unstable ‘ – i said
“compared to who?” – he said
yeah.
S left
i talked with X for a while
i was very tired and shitty feeling
so said i wanted to go home
he said he’d walk with me and take the J to his place
(he could’ve just taken the L . . . )
it was so fucking cold
we stopped at Odessa to sit and talk and eat a bit ( he wasn’t hungry, i was )
and the conversation went where it always goes:
how i’m lying to myself and everyone all the time
how i’m manipulating people
trying to make them like me
believing that i don’t deserve the love i really want
and that the only thing i can give people is sex
and how he was a Real and True friend to me
and i lost him
Ugh.
this is so tiring
and sad
and
not true.
not entirely true.
in part, all of it, yes
but the perspective is all wrong
and the delivery is done with no compassion
i’ve got my own world to live through
and must grow in my own way
and don’t think psychiatrists and pills are the answer to my problems.
No.
so he was put off
i was closed down
and we seperated
he walked back up to the L
and i jumped on a bus that dropped me at Rivington and Essex
walked home
so cold
glad i had my keys again, though
and did a pretty good job of putting myself to bed on
(at 3 am)

getting by on doing the minimal is Not OK
the world needs more love
doing the least you NEED to do
is just lazy and stingy
that being said…
maybe we’re all tired and mopey?
it’s cold outside
and …
how do we change this sort of pattern?