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( i wrote this version to a friend while on the plane )
i left your house sometime after 3
i didn’t get to see Dzogbear Kevin
my check from the insurance company didn’t arrive.
i went up stairs and got my coat
(i left your house with no coat, so i wouldn’t have to lug another back over… it was warm and sunny and beautiful… a real spring day
til the clouds came and it was cold and i was shivering, snot running down my nose)
took the bus (free transfer) to see bridget
to say good bye
to eat a burrito with her (no mexican food in europe)
then walked through the sunsetting streets back to my place
like that Q train home over the bridge
: last time i’ll see this for a while.
i started ravenously packing shit together
totally confused
totally shocked
whatthefuck
how did i get so much stuff?
what am i to do with it all?
absurd
i started throwing shit in boxes
everything was full
everything was too full
it was all a mess
bottles of piss…
ugh
mess
i left your gnome drawing on my wall between my philadendron vines!
and called a chassidic jew
he said he’d give me a ride over to your place
i ran up and down the stairs
all my boxes, bags, suitcases, plants
the trash, the recycling
i sweat and huffed and puffed
i put it out on the side walk
and waited
panicked: how would i ever make the plane?
and how the fuck would we get on the manhattan bridge?
he didn’t know, i didn’t know
we drove around
we made it
him talking on the phone in yiddish
to your house
as i got out
unloading shit from his SUV onto your stoop
a cab pulled up behind him
light coming on
i asked him if he’d stop and wait for me
take me to JFK
he laughed: happy too
it was your landlord coming home!
“good timing” he said
i’m the luckiest man alive, i know
i lugged all that shit upstairs
didn’t do such a
good job
packing it into my little room behind your bed ( i live there now, you know. it’s my room. me and your library )
copied the rest of the music over
i got sondheim out!
i needed sunday in the park… and night music
sorry! i didn’t get to put it back
i was running around
sliding on the leprous floors
i washed the dishes, though
but that was earlier in the day:
i didn’t want you to come home to a moldy sink
ugh…
as i packed up my computer
i realized i had that fucking net flix
that last one
fucking “girl, interrupted”
fucking wynona
goddamnit!
i ripped it open and then off and sealed it shut
and have no idea where it ended up
i thought i dragged it downstairs
maybe it’s in the back of the cab
maybe it’s in the hall way
maybe i left it upstairs in your flat
but if you’re communicating with your landlord
you might tell him to throw it in the mail for me, that’d be cool, dude, like really great
or ask m. to go see if it’s around
fuck
it was my last flix to return
and i don’t want to fucking buy that fucking movie
but oh well
the really important thing is that you’re in touch with bridget
i want you to get that gnome from her
and when the insurance check arrives
i want you to get that too…
so the house number is
(212) …-….
and i’m giving her your email address so she can be in contact with you too
maybe i’ll give her your numbers…
but they’ll probably not do her any good.
Also
i paid the chassid for the ride by lending him my porn DVDs
the two bear parties
and those australian ones
so he’s going to mail them back to you once he’s finished with them
so i’ll give him your work address
i’m sure he won’t label them as PORN
but when you do get them from him
at least you’ll know where the fuck they’re coming from
watch the Daddy Jim shit
he’s hot.
the chassid thought you sounded hot
and wondered if i would hook you two up so he could play with you
— i’ve played with him a few times before
long payets
big red beard
round pale furry bear body
33
doesn’t speak english all that well
doesn’t smell bad
i would recommend it to you
you know
as an experience
anyway
he was very turned off when he found out you had tattoos:
you know you can’t get into the kingdom of heaven with those, right?
at least you’re circumsized, Sheesh
what the fuck is going on?

(i wrote this version on in the airport, still huffing and puffing… waiting to leave)
i must admit
i’m quite surprised
pushing
pushing
pushing
not all day
not for days
just two days
just part of the time
i’m really lazy
but i pushed today
pushed really hard
up and down those five flights of stairs about six times
to the bank
to flower power
with all my stuff
up and down
the trash
the … things i wanted to keep.
my little chassidic friend gave me a ride
… i huffed
and wondered
who could i call?
someone i had served
maybe he owed me one?
i repaid him in porn
and off he went
just as Nayland’s land lord pulled up behind us in a cab
i grabbed it
and asked him to wait
while i ran all the stuff up and threw it in my small little room
(the room i already imagine as mine)
organized some stuff
moved over the rest of the music onto my ipod
shut down the computer
put away the hard drives
repacked
ran downstairs
and took a breather
it took the 20+ minutes in the car to relax
brush my beard
put my hair up
put everything in my luggage
in its right place
no snags
i’m here at the airport
with still an hour to wait
HA!
and after all
i’m here.

i envy people who can fall asleep so easily
i lay awake
they just get in bed
and the gravity pulls them down
into sleep
maybe it’s their Older?
and it’s different with everyone
Arthur is like an opiate for me
but i never sleep well with him
i can get comfortable
but i always wake up tired..
though last time we slept…
i woke in the early morning
and watched him
laying right on his back! no covers!
snoring ever so slightly
hard
legs open
arms everywhere
i’d never seen him like that
and i really wanted a picture
but then he rolled on his side
“…and so hard to get out of bed”
but with lovers
it changes
with Leo
i used to sleep well
then it got harder and harder
recently
it was better
i could sleep with him
just had to be aware of my own patterns
and sometimes
it says
“no, you’re not sleeping yet”
and with Nay
i could just curl up
but this year
it’s been laying next to him
listening to him snore
trying and trying to just fall asleep
but not
so i get up
and write a bit
organize
i’m on european time already
of course
been staying up til 4 the last few nights
waking around noon
get enough sleep boy
but
on european time
i leave at 10:30 Pm tonight
fancy that
flying all night
and then
to surprise a friend on the Warmoerstraat!

i’m absolutely amazed i could not find this word online
not in dictionaries or through google
is there a standardised spelling for it?
i grew up with a half-polish family
i’ve always known it: never seen it written
found this in the Yiddish dictionary
tsatske

… after the news
Arthur took me to visit a friend of his
who lived on 23rd street
in the housing for the blind
i wasn’t keen on the idea
but the third time a joint went around
i had some
in conversation
up came my story of the Peruvian cemetaries
how they were built above ground
if you were wealthy
like a honey comb
little cells
most people couldn’t afford to buy
so there was a rent paid on them
sometimes for generations
grand pa
great grand pa
great great great
if you didn’t pay
the body was exhumed
and dumped into a large pit in the back
that’s where all the bodies that couldn’t afford to pay went
Arthur, who
if he had an on-line life
would probably have the handle
“ChatchskyBear”
said
he would never pay for such a thing
would want to just be tossed in the pit
my mind burbbled
and i said
‘ the bargain bin ‘
a fitting fate for someone in love with 99¢ stores

” this was a factory
now it’s a peaceful oasis ”
” this was a discount store
now it’s turned into a corn field ”
” we used to barbeque
now we just eat nuts and berries ”
” and as things fell apart
nobody paid much attention ”
” don’t leave me standing here
i can’t get used to this lifestyle “