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Tuesday was my Monday.
i spent most of the day indoors
sleeping
reading
researching on the internet
about the musicians i saw last night
and plans for europe
around 4 i got a call to go give an hour massage
so went up to Times Square
the client was nice
– LA –
i went to go get a Better Burger
walking down
over to 9th ave
talking on the phone with a guy i used to be friends with
but he just stopped calling me
— he was looking for a husband
and i’m not husband material
and even though he had fun with me
conversation and sexually
he chooses to pursue an immature frat kid
that was annoying and the sex was terrible
but i guess he was emotionally needy enough
or something:
how many times will that story be told?
i’ve lost quite a few friends to the Longing For Stability.
but i wanted to see how he was doing..
during the conversation on the phone
i thought i heard something drop
but thought i was just being paranoid and let it go…
i took the burger with me
coz they were closing
and got on the bus
still talking with E
down to 14th street
i walked most of the way across
eventually catching the buss for a few blocks
there was a Fragile kid
coulda been trevis
he must have dumpstered the clothes…
or was he really a newbie to the city who had been devoured by it?
gentle face
all tourist clothes
baggy jeans
red NYC hoodie and ball cap
his glance darting around in every direction
not able to hold eye contact
moving like a terrified rabbit
voice so tender
was it drugs?
or just being completely overwhelmed?
i got off the bus
and went into nowhere (second time in two days!)
coz it was Big Lug
the bear night
and i liked to stop by once every three months or so
was danny there?
no.
was LD there?
no
anyone i knew?
no.
yes.
Warren
a sweet guy
but i didn’t feel like talking with him
i walked into the bar feeling like i wanted to be wild and have fun
trying to get a beer
i asked this cute pakistani boy to move for me
he wouldn’t
i went to tickle him
he looked horribly offended
i so moved around the bar
and he started offering me peanuts
like an animal?
i tried eating them out of his hand with my mouth
he didn’t like that either
and threw it at me
i got a guiness
and went back to the front of the bar, by the door
coz i’d seen a really handsome bear talking with a long haired guy
— interesting folk i wanted to pursue
(Big Lug is the Freak Bear hang out… as opposed to the Conservo-Bears at Dugout)
John and… Michael?
John was just the bomb for me
( i don’t speak like this, i swear to you, it’s just coming out in my writing: i never say “bomb”)
we talked for a while
he told me he’d just got back from Brazil
he loved brazil
was dating a guy down there
mostly spent time in Sao Paulo
loved the big city
and man, life was all about travelling, he lived to travel
wow, we had a lot in common, maybe we could be friends, i said
maybe i was shining too heavy on him?
he said
“excuse me”
and walked off to talk with other guys
sucking face with a tall thin clean shaven…
ugh…
i stood there
looking around
the pakistani boy walked up to me
and made introductions
and said how sexy i was
and pushed himself into me
and eventually started kissing my ear
while i tried to explain i wasn’t interested in him at all sexually
but he seemed like an interesting fellow
from Iowa
and maybe we could be friends?
as he tried to kiss my mouth
i turned away from him (cold shoulder, right?)
and rolled a cigarette
i looked for John
and felt sad
i wanted to have fun
no fun here
just general bar stuff
of feeling awkward
alone
and mis-matched
this pakistani kid is staring at me
saying
“look: i’m looking you in the eyes: i can really see you”
and trying to kiss me
i sang “i want the one i can’t have, and it’s driving me mad”
and i fled.
talked with a very cute guy i’d chatted with on line long ago
named Giovanni
very sweet
very cute
but behind him was John
and then the pakistani boy walked back up to me
pushing me into a corner
blocking my view of Giovanni
UGHARGH!
i walked outside into the cold
and lit my cigarette
a cute boy walks out of the bar
directly towards me
asks for a cigarette
i tell him i don’t have one
but i could roll him one
after i’m done with mine
it’s only a minute before he reaches for my dick
grinding his hips into me
telling me that he’s 19
and he’s going to go home with me
i try and tell him he’s wrong
i try to run away from him
but he keeps following me
i literally start running around in circles out in front of the bar
another guy who i’d met at the Eagle three years before
who remembered my name
was trying to talk with me
but this kid is there
intercepting
saying
“yeah, we’ll have a hot three way, both of you fucking me”
and i’m getting this terrible desperate feeling (from all directions)
i should just go home
— i want to talk with John
— i don’t want to make him feel the way i’m feeling right now
should i just go back in there and ask him if he has any interest in me?
he obviously doesn’t
why am i wasting my time?
why does it matter?
who the fuck is he?
bloody mother fucking asshole
I FUCKING HATE THIS FEELING
John walks out of the bar
and i walk over to him
roll another cigarette
while this really fucking hot Mexican Stud named Julian walks over and introduces himself to John
John focuses on him
i rub his neck a little
gorgeously hairy
but he’s obviously more interested in Julian
then Julian takes off
Julian and i have a lot in common
when i go back in the bar
i offer to buy John a drink
get it for him
mean while
he’s kissing that tall thin clean shaven again
who leaves
and then he’s talking with the boring Jersey-ite who has absolutely nothing to say about anything
then Julian comes back
and he’s all talking to him
drinking his beer
i sit on the stool
and look at the Jerseyite
who stares back at me with a blank dog-like-look
and i say
“Oh Well!”
he smiles.
Julian calls out to me across the bar
obviously wanting to pull me into this conversation
where John is saying “i want to know your hobbies”
and Julian is saying “fucking men. that’s it. i fuck men… and fix cars”
he’s making jokes about running across the boarder
he’s complaining about the cement feeling in his stomach from eating the Taco Bell
he’s saying he’s a top because no one can flip him over
his comb is bright red
his tail feathers are oily black and fully extended
his wings are held out and splayed
his breast feathers fluffed out so all the colours can be seen
John is puppie eye’d over him
and i’m explaining that i’ve fucked every one on the planet
and i’m kinda over it
though sex is just great and hot and sweaty and musky
my criteria now comes down to people that can connect emotionally and intellectually as well
and who will lay around naked in bed and cuddle with me
that stopped both of them
then they were like
“that’s so cool”
and they start making out
and then John goes to the bathroom
and Julian puts it on me
and we’re sucking face
and he’s hot
but i’m so fucking sad at this point
i write out a note on the bar
my name and number and email and url
and i make a show of putting it in John’s right chest pocket when he gets back
and i say
“Good Night Boys”
walking down the street
i put my hand in my pockets
(Fucking Cold)
and notice something feels wrong:
SomeHOW
my house keys have fallen off my keychain.
(i have a few different sets of keys attatched on clips)
Fuck.
it’s 2am now
Bridget said she MIGHT be home from the bronx tonight
probably
because she has an 8am meeting down here
but
she’d probably be asleep if that was the case..
i talked with Leo on the walk home
and there were two boys going in when i got there
so at least i was in the building
but the door was locked
so …
i called her
and rang the door bell
and she let me in groggily
looking angry
i felt bad…
but
hey.
i talked with Leo a while longer
and think i managed to stay up til dawn fucking around with Solitaire and converting videos and masturbating
and
feeling
generally
lonely.

last night’s show
also featured
Antibalas
a brooklyn band from all over the world
great to dance to…
and i fell in love with one of the guitarists…
while i was looking for him with google
( his name is Marcos )
i found a link to a page
from mexico
of…
people they found dead?
it’s kinda terrible, but i couldn’t stop looking
periciales.pgjebc.gob.mx/ semefo2.htm
rolls and waves…

i took this picture a few weeks ago
thought it was fucking brilliant
(well, it speaks to me)
and then i erased it from my camera before i copied to my hard drive
i was furious
but i had patience
and it took me a few weeks to find a program that i could retrieve it with for free
so i did.
meanwhile
i don’t really want to talk about today
i kinda feel hazy and grey and shitty
like the weather
gave a mediocre massage
he loved it, though
sad…
but while working on him
i thought of the last two journal entries
and forced myself to write them before i leave
but now it’s 8 o’clock
and the show is starting..
i’m off to see Martha Wainwright
what luck, as i walked through town with Nay and Z yesterday
i saw a sign advertising the concert tonight
and still ticket’s available
THANKS!
Oh,
if you’re interested
i wrote two enteries before this one
go to my journal to read them, coz i back dated them
“Frankie” & “Sisters”
good night.

i keep calling Bridget
“Sheridan”
it’s kinda sad
but they’re always kinda been sisters to me.
She told me about this great accupuncture she got from these kids at a school
… thought about it..
She was telling me about how she’d been doing the Artist’s Way excersises
and how one of them was “write a scenario of a life you didn’t live, but what would have happened if you had”
she said she wrote about going to acupuncture school and becoming a TCM doctor…
how different it would be..
i gave her a massage today
three something hours.
it’s only the second massage i’ve given her since i’ve been here in NYC
in my imagination i thought we’d do a trade every month
oh
those best laid plans
silly mice we are.
it was really intense
she’s so thin
and..
she’s a girl
i so rarely get to touch girls.
and she’s like sheridan
my mother
my sister
i was trying to make us all feel better
she was on the end of her period too
and i kept thinking about how in various tribes (red injuns and jews and africans and aboriginies…)
when women were bleeding
how men couldn’t touch them
or how the women themselves couldn’t touch sacred instruments
or be at rituals, etc
coz there energy was so strong it’d throw everything off
or something?
what would it to?
i didn’t know
i wondered
i wondered what her energy was doing to me
bleeding
with the moon
my hands on her
what was she doing to me?
when i was done
let her go back to her life
let her out of my hands
it occurred to me
that if she had lived a parallel life where she went to TCM school
she’d be Sheridan.
that’s how she’d do it
and the bitch would betray me
(oops. anger there)
as we do
as we do..
so many parallel lives
happening all the time
bridget and sheridan are the same
but different
have you ever seen yourself in other people
seen them living the lives you’re not?
usually they’re not really interesting
you can’t have relationships with doppelgangers..
can you?

i woke up with Nay
and he left
i layed about with LEE-HI for a while
took he for a walk
and what else was i doing?
i think i got distracted on line
then had an adventure:
took the Q train to Ave J
took the 6b Bus down to Bay Parkway
passed the “Louis DeLuca” memorial home
called him
said “hello”
spent the afternoon with Arthur.
did we watch a movie?
we must have
it was all in front of the TV
we ate chinese food too
we did other things
but he was sad to hear
i had to go:
i had a date with Frankie.
Bridget’s friend i’d met years ago in Austin
she had never done Absinth and wanted to sit and drink with me
so yeah
it took a while for me to leave Art
as it does
and when i got home
i wasn’t hungry
i was just
weird.
i poured the drinks
one from each bottle
one with honey
the other with maple syrup
diluted half
strong shit
i told her the history of Absinth (does anyone need me to repeat that?)
we drank and drank
while B worked on proofreading or something…
eventually
bridget insisted that we make art
coz we were doing absinth
so we started drawing..
yeah
i drew a mask i used to draw all the time
you can kinda see it on my first attempt at a web page, Here
but i’d not drawn it in years
so i had to put hair on it..
it was strange
to draw on absinth
with old firends
new friends?
old
i made…

and then drew a quick sketch of what i used to look like:

Then Frankie and i needed to get some air.
we went out
slightly raining
we stopped by Two Boots pizza
but it was open
and we weren’t really hungry
just needed to get out
and Frankie didn’t bring any money with her anyway
even though “hunger” had been her excuse to go out…
so we went to the Stanton Social to see Suzanna
(she wasn’t there)
you know
i’ve never Hung Out in my neighborhood before
it’s kinda gross.
we went to the Cake Shop
went down stairs
there was no one there but the bar tender
oh no
there was a straight couple
but they just blended in
then dissapeared..
the barkeep (Duane)
told me about how he was going to fast
and i did my best to talk him out of it
wrong time of year
cold
not good
Frankie demanded exchange for our services
so he gave us free Beer (rhinegold)
and a girl walked in with a pet rooster named Lou
he was a little bantam
quiet
he sat on the bar
we break danced
we did pushups
they were hungry
so i took them back to Two Boots after they closed
where there was a bag full of pizza laying on the sidewalk
they were in heaven!
and grabbed many pieces
i wasn’t hungry
but took two stromboli for tomorrow…
we went to “The Johnson’s”
a terrible straight hipster bar just down the street from our apartment
it was gross
and kinda sad
reminded me of Slick Williie’s
(Ted’s Mother’s Garage we hung out in as teenagers)
Ugh.
Frankie realized she’d lost her favourite shirt
went out to get it
while i sat and drank a guiness
but she couldn’t find the cake shop
so i went to get it
and there it was
so i came back
and we left
and we went home
and we slept
and i woke up feeling pretty good
for having drank so much absinth…

A friend called tonight
after watching the crappy movie
after posting that little tid-bit here
i heard my phone ringing
and ran up stairs
—
i hadn’t talked with him in a month
so i had to tell him about the potential bacterial infection
as he asked and asked and asked:
How Was i?
well…
i told him i was feeling a bit embarrased
not ashamed
just kinda goofy
:
i’ve got so used to having sex with everyone i meet.
when i see someone beautiful
i don’t as much wonder what it would be like
but i go out to make it happen.
… when i have the time
— this is the ideal
of course it hasn’t happened like that
but the potential has always been there
my persona
what i wish to be
sexual always
with everything
open
suggesting
active
but i can’t do that now
more so
don’t feel like it
and it’s very confusing
he told me it’s Maturity
and it may be,
Saturn…
it’s my conscience
it’s my heart, too
i’m tired of skimming the surface
i want to go deeper
and it doesn’t only require moving slower
but diving less frequently
it’s like re-hauling my speach patterns or something
like a kid sitting down for a few hours for a few weeks
practicing (rejecting and restructuring) his Signature
how am i? who am i?
damn: kid stuff.
but i saw some pictures of Mature Men
(Oscar’s picture in bitterlawngnome ‘s journal, specifically)
that i could feel myself aspiring to
and it made me realize
that i had never seen an image of myself as Mature and Sexy and Healthy and… Alive
before
wow,
what strange things that come in the night
oh
thanks for so many things
and i’m sorry
and thank you
and onward
and
here i am.

Wow.
the moon is full
the sun is conjunct venus at 23 degrees
and mars is exactly trine mercury at 15 degrees taurus, capricorn (respectively)
it would be a fabulous time for sex magic.
too bad i’m out of the game
[but thanks for playing!]
and i heard some faeries were coming up here to Easton Mountain for that very thing
smart lads
— someone’s been watching their calendars
me
i’m sitting by the side lines for a while
meanwhile
just watched a pretentious fucking NYC art film called “heights”
really don’t recommend it
— but it was nice to see Rufus Wainwright in an acting role:
too bad he was type cast
no stretch for him.
well, the whole movie was crap anyway
today i’ve been very hard edged
but hey
can’t please everyone all the time
— all relationships involve compassion, sacrifice and compromise
but it’s important to know the difference between that
and being a schmuck.
my friend Jeff is asleep now
he didn’t like the movie
and dozed off a while ago
after it was over
i talked on the phone til my battery died
and now i’m going to go sit in the hot tub
i’m tired
and kinda sore
but i know i’ll enjoy the moon
and
hey:
we gotta be good to ourselves
who else can we rely on to be?

ah
kick me in the stomach
knock me on the ground
pound me
no
just pay attention
anything
love me
i’m on a wind swept hill
(yeah)
and now the sun is gone
and now it’s cold
and the melting snow sounds like a river pouring down
i want to be worth something
i feel so worthless
can’t give you anything
anything you want
anything you’d ask for
anything you’d appreciate
Help
i feel unloved
i know it’s a two way street
and i’m alone out here.
naw.
i just finished giving a massage
and i feel pretty terrible.
but not because of him
not because of that
that was fun and nice and good
– but there’s this voice in the back of my head –
and my body feels terrible.
i’m just letting you know

long bright falling star
shoots straight down
four or five seconds
flashing red, orange
i saw it while laying in the water
looking up at moon
then i went and lay down in the snow
breaking the ice
feeling it melting under me
while my skin started to sparkle
and this morning
there were dreams
about going to take an AIDS test
where they test you not for virus
but based on your disposition…
then there was this house
where Thor was my uncle
it had belonged to his mother or something (some relation to me)
we converted it into gambling
but really
we were taking people’s souls
dubious
the house was mostly abandoned
and most floors were just packed with STUFF
dusty and dark
the elevator terrified me
but the people kept coming.
right now
i’m sitting upstairs
looking out over the hills
covered in snow
the farm fields seperated by narrow rows of trees
children’s crayons lines
not so straight
and the clumps of trees
some blocks
some, you might call forests
(on a bald man’s head)
the snow on the ground
black sticks not hiding it much.
the sky’s gone gray now
i guess it’ll be night soon
“when the day is short and the nights are long”
i went to sleep sometime after 1 last night
and woke sometime after 1 today
all that dreaming
i woke the first time and realized i hadn’t moved the whole night
so i rolled onto my left side
no one there to put my arm over
i woke later on my right side
my left hand tucked between my thighs
i had just rolled onto my belly (to finish the cycle)
when Jeff came in and woke me…
no wonder i slept so long
i really needed the sleep
the night before last i hardly slept at all
sorting out my music library
yes
making love with my ipod
til 5am
and the two nights before that
talking and movies and cuddling with Arthur
— i never really sleep with him
i just swim like fish with him all night
through dreams and body hair and where the arms are supposed to go
never even attempting sleep before 2am
and having been setting the clock (which is fast anyway) for 8am
coz i’ve needed to take the long N ride back into manhattan each morning to work on clients
couple from KY
and a nice jewish elder that listened while i conversed with him about why i’d loved jewish men
— where are all the mystics?
not certain what i’m looking for anymore
the world is still gladly giving me options
this morning
Harry said
“it is the father’s responsibility to have dreams for the son
but they shouldn’t be obligations”
am i looking for dreams to agree with?
am i just a river going through
looking for banks i’d like to rush through
enjoy that scenery
move some rocks
gather some soil
and leave some behind?

Yay for spending the entire day inside
oh, except for going out for breakfast
but that place is like the dining hall anyway
so it’s an annex of the house
whole day inside, yeah
woke up late
yeah
standing around in lofts last night
and, damn, it was cold before…
but the straight and the tight and the beautiful
a New York i wouldn’t often find myself in
talking about the new movies we’re producing
and living in Chile for a month with my new lover, the artist
i only smoke at parties
not in front of my daughter
– you think that’d stop me
– listen to teeth to learn how to quit –
yeah.
i forgot to type out other lyrics from them
she said
“but half-in-love is not complete
with only heat”
and i know that
there are different kinds of heat
— i don’t like microwaves
it’s not about quick (&rough)
did i lose you for a second?
sorry, i should let you in
but i just wanted to say
– swallowing words while giving head –
i’ve only got to type two more days into the journal from last month
oh damn
it’s two months ago now:
time moves so quick sometimes, eh?
[laughs]
i’ll have it up and running
when i’m off again

“it’s a hard parade, just
—- be courageous ”
Yeah
in the last days of the year
i’ve kept myself busy
a few people have commented in the last few days
wondering where i am
what’s going on
why aren’t i posting?
Yeah
everything is fine
even better, really.
i have to say
i feel that everything is coalescing
not to a conclusion
but some sort of arrival
yeah
i’m coming.
there’s lots of love
adoration!
yesterday was an entire day of Adoration!
i got photographed by Stanley Stellar
then had a “client” that was just a big ole daddy bear that needed cuddling
— it shocks me that there are un-married men of 53 who aren’t out!
but it was all adoration
then my massage client after was a wonderful artist as well
great energy
and
… massage is all about adoration anyway
everything must converge…
coming from all sides
a publisher
and together with my friends
a Happy Holiday
and so much healing of my old wounds
redeveloping trust
yeah
i’ve been tired
but ..
the snow flakes were falling in big fluffly clumps today
so beautiful.
and i got an iPod
and everything is Merry
it’s the last days of the [arbitrary] year
and i’m going to meet the one i love! so please don’t stand in my way
la di da, la di da…

when i’m feeling horny like this
it’s not that i want to cum
it’s not that i want something in my mouth
no
the pacifier needs to be in my ass
but i get this feeling most when alone
not when i’m with someone
when i’m with someone
it is Them i want
and i am pacified by their presence
their body against mine is all i need
the sex becomes unnessessary then…
it becomes a luxury
it becomes a gift
this abstract want
yearning in my root
could i satiate it myself?
it is even possible?
perhaps it is the magic that keeps me moving
searching
for a good place to root down
to root in me.