black tulip morning
juan carlos tajes
jacob hooij
steffan
hans man in’t veld
sic
…
while sleeping in the leather hotel
white sheets
leather cover
i had a dream
i was dressed all in Leather
reached up with my left hand
and with my right holding scissors
just started cutting my hair
after the second or third chunk i thought
— oh shit… now i have to cut all my hair or this will look stupid… why did i start doing this? —
every few years or so i have these dreams
accidentally cutting my hair so having to cut it all dreams
strange.
i woke up
groggy…
quietly going to drink water
piss
get my clothes on
write down my email address for this big sexy daddy bear
he woke up
and i told him i had to meet a friend or i would stay to suck him off
he said that’s OK
but i saw he had a hardon…
… so i HAD to!
it was fun
and didn’t take too long
but i didn’t cum: i had to go to meet my friend Juan Carlos
beautiful morning
the snow on everything
the sun in the canals
i stopped and took some pictures…
walked to Juan’s place
and he let me in
i could feel something wrong with my body
like a hangover?
talking with Juan
making tea
laying down
tired
Juan smoking hash
taking me into his hall by his bed room
dropping his pants
urugauy
praise
big balls haven’t been emptied for a while
thick cock, long foreskin
he massages my body as i suck him
good
he could cum a thousand times
i would love it
as i always have
then
like always
door bell
he tells me to go hide in the bathroom and put my clothes on
i sit and wait for her to leave…
we talk
i’m very tired now
didn’t cum yet
but
spacey..
gotta go
i help him load his art onto his scooter:
his hips are all fucked up and he has to ride a scooter through town
poor guy
but he’s not poor
he’s a Leo and he’s got his pride
and he does it with grace and style and a smile
i love him
he’s beautiful
off we go into the city
i walk through the red light district
most windows empty
up the NieweMarkt
up to Jacob Hooij, the oldest Herb dealer in Amsterdam
not weed… but medicinal plants..
i ask them for Homeopathics
they got them
but don’t know the one i want my its american abbreviation
only by the full latin name
Kalipurnum Bichronium
or something
for sinus infections
which
by now
i’m sure i have pretty full blown
damn it.
from there
i walk up to the rembrantplien
and catch a tram up to the TroopenMuseum to meet up with Steffen and Leo
which i’ve found out
Leo was out with Steffan til 4am
and they decided they liked eachother
so went home together
when i got there
Steffan was wearing a singlet and i felt like shit…
i talked my friend Hans into meeting us up there
and we all went to the Green Elephant to meet for drinks and talks..
it was mostly Hans and i Catching up…
he’s the guy who gave me his apartment when i lived here three years ago
i lived in his space for three months while he was off doing other things…
he teaches Theater all over
we had good conversations..
he was excited and amazed that i had befriended my father again…
— yet again, a marker of how i’ve grown
he ordred me Bitterballen and some BaerenBerg
the bitterballen are fried balls of…. cow udders..
yum.
maybe that’s what pushed me over the edge?
i was feeling like total shit by the time he had to leave at 17:00
though steffan offered i could stay there
i went home with Leo
and went directly to bed
passed out
which began about 24 hours in bed sweating
hallucinating
snott pouring out of my nose
all sorts of messages from my body:
health lies in the jaw
keep it relaxed always!
like nazis running my body
pushing me around
i kept turning over and over
burning
burning
Leo went out to meet someone
i woke around 8pm and called Marcel
who was pissed i didn’t call him before
— we were supposed to meet for a massage… again
sorry
sorry
sorry
back to sleep
Mixalis
Marcel dinner
Argos/Black Tulip Night…
Woke
late
again
immediately
i felt a sinus infection comming on…
where did it come from?
staying up til 4am?
walking in the cold?
waiting outside for the buss?
having my face buried in R’s crotch?
damn.
i took an airborne
hoped it would go away
talked with Leo down stairs
just in time for Mixalis to arrive…
a Greek friend of Leo’s..
cute little furry fucker.
we had a three way when i got to Amsterdam back in 2002
as M. was Leo’s main lover here then
and we both wanted to please L
though i was attracted to M, he was usually into guys OLDER than Leo…
so …
we became friends after Leo left
my only friend that wasn’t about fucking
… was about talking about all the hot daddies we loved
talking about Leo like he was a pop star or something
“ohhhh, he’s SO dreamy…”
and smoking pot together.
well
he and his australian lover
yeah
we met
walked around in the cold
through the museum plein
to a little cafe down the liedsestraat
sat and chat..
then he and Leo went off to play in the Thermos Sauna
i didn’t feel like it
could tell the cold was coming on..
i wanted to ride the bike around and enjoy the town
but snow was starting
so i just went home and rested
read the Tao a bit…
then just lay down and meditated…
i woke around 6
when it was time to meet Marcel for dinner… then to give him a massage
took the tram
walked to the NeuweMarkt
met up with Marcel there
and had a great Thai dinner
really thick Tom Kha Gai
and sweet/wonderful red beef curry
served by a beautiful MTF Tranny
then
back at Marcel’s…
we never got around to the massage: again.
i helped him organize his computer
set up Skype on it for him
took some pictures of him
edited them
helped him with it all
he didn’t offer to pay me
and i guess that was alright
but i felt weird about doing computer work for him..
but he gave me the plug for his Mac that he didn’t use…
which was the one i needed to make my Mac work here in Europe…
so: OK
trade.
(and he bought me dinner… which was expensive!)
then i went to meet Leo at the Argos
we’d decided that this would be our late night out at the bar
so i got there
and these two Hoosier guys were there who we’d seen all week, but Leo had just found out they were from Indiana
so we chatted with them a bit
then this really cute guy walked by
and i stopped him
…
do i know you?
it was my friend Steffan!
who i used to talk with all the time in these bars…
strange fellow (but aren’t we all)
very intelligent
turns out he knows Chris (the octothorpe)
i introduced him to Leo and we chatted for a bit
… then this hot guy sat down at the bar
big leather guy
which isn’t my thing
but he had a really hot face
thick vandyke beard
deep eyes
something so hot about him
and we were sitting over the radiator
so i suggested we move
and just at that moment
he went down stairs
so i excused myself and followed him..
he was waiting for me
and took me in the back
and forced me on my knees to suck his cock
which wasn’t a huge cock
but very nicely shaped
uncut
no words spoken
some guy from behind started spanking my ass
he just had me sucking
then would pull me up to kiss him
— i felt a good connection
then would shove me back down to suck..
eventually
he asked me if i would come back to his hotel with him
The Black Tulip
i’d heard about this place
its reputation preceeds it…
but i wasn’t frightened
Sure…
i figured it’d just be a half hour or so…
he said something to a friend of his, a nice older daddy (looked more like a politician)
and off we went
on the way out
i told Leo i’d be back in a bit
he laughed and said OK
(it was about midnight)
the Black Tulip was further away than i remembered it
but we got there eventually
he took me to his room
third floor walk up
rooms 21,22,23..
i wondered..
we went into 22
he said to me “all your clothes off”
so i took them off
he grabbed me mid way to kiss me a while
then put wrist shackles on me
nipple clamps
and a studded collar
he had it clipped to his belt via Chain
everything in the Black Tulip is a piece of Gear
the wardrobe can be emptied and made a cage
the desk chair has rings all over it for binding someone too
but he just took me to the St. Andrew’s cross
and strapped my arms in
my legs
my waist
my chest (over the nipple clamps: ouch!)
then he put a hood on me.
i’d never been in a hood before
zipper mouth (open)
he pulled the string tight on the back
then he proceeded to light a joint and force me to breathe it
this being part of the scene
i was OK with it
but still trying to minimize my intake
then he started in with the poppers
he could tell this wasn’t really turning me on
so he took off the nip clamps
and fingered my butt
telling me he wanted to fuck me
then he let me bite his beard and lick his chest a bit
released my arms so i could touch him
i was licking him
his underarms
his neck
his chest
i was hard again
and someone called in around the door..
some exchanged happened… in Norwegian
after more licking around eachother
he un-strapped me
and lead me out of his room
… into room 23
his other daddy friend was in there
who had me crouch down
and grab his nipples and work them
while sucking his cock
which was large
and difficult, with that fucking zipper at my lips
but i tried…
while the hot daddy bear was behind me
rubbing my butt
my belly
my butt
the zipper kept getting in my way
it was pissing me off…
the lifted me
and put me on a table
face down
strapped in my arms
legs
middle
all the fucking strapps
then the lawyer daddy slapped me with his hands a bit
with a flogger
the daddy bear sucked my dick a bit
then fed me his
they got tired of having me strapped down
so they undid me
and put the table away
then the daddy bear left
and the lawyer daddy sat on the bed
and had me suck his cock and work his nips
then he threw on a condom and fucked me for a while
huge cock
he had to take it slow
then he really started riding me
i was moaning
it was good
from all the poppers and pot they had been giving me
i was flying
this is leather sex, eh?
he stopped
took of the condom, wiped up a bit
then had me suck him again while working his nips
then
put another one on
and started fucking me again
damn
i was melting
then he layed me on my back on the floor
and sat on my chest
and jacked off on top of me
shooting all over my (hooded) face
then he jacked me off
i didn’t feel i was close at all
but started cumming really quickly
being in passive-boy mode
just letting him have what he wanted
i bucked and moaned all over
lay perfectly still
let him choose when to release me
he undid my wrists
my neck
my hood
and i felt he was embarrassed when he saw my face.
he offered me the shower
so i sat on the toilet a while letting my bowels respond to that huge cock…
then took a nice shower..
and he walked me back over to the daddy bear’s room
and just left
the daddy bear had me suck his cock
for a long long time
he didn’t want to cum
he just worked it and worked it and worked it
i’d lick him all over
and it was a long process of me climbing all over him
and moving his body around
and edging his clothes off
but eventually
i took his boots and socks and leather pants off
lifted his legs up
put my cock on his butt
and rode him like that a while
he really liked it
put our cocks together and rubbed
he really liked that
he’s not a total top
he came back into his human shape
there was cuddling
eventually
i thought he came and so i came on him
he was surprised
but then said
OK
so i sucked him off
he loved it..
i thought of arthur
how he’d just want me to suck him forever
or even not suck him
just hold him in my mouth…
like this guy
who hardly spoke any english
his big smooth norwegian body
he came…
we rested a while, his cock in my mouth
me playing with his foreskin
sucking
sucking
wrapping my tongue with his foreskin
licking
pressing it into the floor and roof of my mouth
just tripping out on his unmutilated cock
flower
hot…
rest
then he was hard again
so i sucked him off again
and then looked at my clock: it was 2:40
i called Leo about 6 times
and figured he was asleep
so i asked the daddy bear i if i could stay and sleep with him..
he said yes… so i did.
i just wrote a lot
caught up with all the days since i’ve been here
came in
and wrote the most recent
wishing to have my heart open
but feeling… Closed.
then i wrote a few days ago
posting
catching up with today
and by the time i got to this morning
i felt happy and appreciative
love
yeah
in love
it’s a way to be
and it’s not dependant on another person..
… though i did get to talk with my friend Joshua on Skype
Yeah!
— everything’s backdated so as not to clog up friend’s lists
click on my face to read my days
i keep noticing how all of the doors are closed here…
is it a fire safety thing?
more likely
a flood safety thing
the story i heard tonight
an old almost-friend
how he went to Gurneville for New Year’s
and the town flooded
the storms
built in a flood plane
yeah
“water level would flood your room, sir”
said the hotel clerk
“if you’re not out of here in an hour, you won’t be able to leave
but you can stay here if you want… there just won’t be any electricity or … anything”
how he was shocked his x-love
was living in england and on the dole
with a guy on the dole
“no body works there, i don’t understand how they can do that”
— ‘ it’s what they aspire to in San Francisco as well ‘
i said
‘ everyone does their best to get labeled “DISABLED”
be it through HIV or insanity or addiction or something
— then the government pays them to stay alive ‘
and he went onto to tell me how a friend of mine
– i didn’t know –
is positive
converted two years ago
and his lover (of 11 years or something)
just converted last year
“he’s really depressed about it”
he said
yeah
whatever the fuck it is, virus
who the fuck knows
but you get it from pressing the boundaries of what you’ve been told you’re allowed to do
try and touch someone with out fear
without walls
try and open up
to have fun
to connect wholly
and you get slapped with some label that means you’re sick
and that you’ll get sick
and sicker
and die a terrible painful death
and if you try to touch anyone openly again
you’ll kill them too
yeah
it’s depressing
what are your options?
take mass amounts of poison every day
to keep yourself at a manageable, expectable level of sickness every day
yeah
great options
thanks for the story
wow
of course
he wanted me to stay the night
but it was too depressing
connected
i reached out
connect
touch him
touch someone
to be Not Alone
what’s there?
we lay in bed and he tells me about his child hood jobs
joining the union
working in a factory
deliverying water to the workers
$12 an hour in the early 70’s!
stoned the whole time
wow, what luck
“it was fabulous”
by some standards, i guess
wow
mediocrity and empty existance sure is swell
he rushed down stairs
my constant presence
what was it? empty or full?
too much for him
he needed his cigarettes
his TV
some show
whatever
“it’s good”
and i was hungry
he offered me chicken he cooked himself on his rotissery
but microwaved it
though i asked him not to
he told me “it’s good; it won’t hurt you”
“this house”
he said
“it had nothing
i’ve been working on it for two years
— they want to buy it from me
… and just tear it down
build something bigger
you know
this is the most expensive land in Amsterdam now
this area
… it’d double my money
— i can buy a house out in bumfuck…
this little house..”
i just couldn’t spend the night
i stood out in the cold
the hail on the ground all around me
waiting for the bus
“Voices Carry” (’til tuesday)
and
“the Shoe Song” (shellac)
so
“good morning captain” (slint)
the bus didn’t go the same route back
the whole city is under construction
so i got off at the Leidseplein
and walked to the Spyker
drank a jaggermister
watched Ren & Stimpy
with another television next to it showing
fisting porn
doing it’s best to show the heavy emotional writhing connection between the two shaved smooth muscle Kens
the walk home was nice
i guess
memories
and i surprised myself by being able to sing the entire “bloody mother fucking asshole” song by Martha Wainwright to myself
… i didn’t even know i knew all the words
then i sang “in my heart” by moby for 10 minutes or so
hoping i wasn’t waking up too many people
it’s late
the lights on the canal
i’m back at the rectory now
and i can’t stop thinking of all the closed doors in amsterdam
white flat doors
in every house
they keep them all closed
and everywhere looks like rooms with no ways out
just turn the handle
(though they all look the same)
is that a closet? a toilet? a bathroom? a kitchen?
noken in de koken?
i’m behind a closed door now
and it’s the end of the day
sleep soon, baby.
groggy
i didn’t want to get of bed
the tired…
but Leo and i were to meet Joeke and Henk
the two men Leo met in NYC when he was 24
who invited him to Amsterdam back in the 70’s…
really sweet (handsome) men
initially i was intimidated and a bit nervous
we sat near the flower market
i had a fried egg sandwich that was leaking yoke everywhere
and a hot chocholate
i felt
ungraceful
but we walked through the city
down that street to the RembrantPlein
such memories!
Daniel!
(laughs)
Rembrant, ah
i got out my camera
for the first time really
snapped a lot of pictures
as we walked over the bridge
into the Waterlooplein
so i could change some money
then over to the Hermitage museum
where Leo wanted to see an exhibit of Art from all them pilgrims from once upon a time
all those dead guys on crosses
all those mothers of pearl
pretty fucking crazy
that christianity stuff
but pretty cool, yeah?
dehydrated
we sat in the cafe
Fresh Mint Tea
like
the plant
in a glass
with hot water
GREAT!
amazing chocolate cake
and nut/pecan torte
not too sweet!
amazing
yum!
stroopwaffels met de Te!
yummmm
but we closed the place
so we walked out
took more pictures
and went to Joeke and Henk’s house
sat and talked for many hours more
Rooibos tea
and red wine
and barenburg
and laughing
and phone calls
wow
phone
friends making plans with me for tomorrow
tomorrow!
smiles everywhere
well
it’s beautiful
snow fallling heavy oustide
into the canal!
beautiful
outside
beautiful
we got back just in time for Robert to be coming in the door
the priest here
i jumped in front of him and unlocked the door for him
he just came in from Istanbul
ah ha
i got some shit together
and ran back out the door to catch the bus…
i have always been attracted to older men
why?
always have
it pissed my friends off
to want to hang out with these dirty old men
to want to hold their bodies in mine
to cradle them
to be held by them.
but i love them
it’s amazing to me
like some great achievement…
to survive… to Live so long
that old flesh
the weight of the years…
i begin to look at it as a reward without knowing it
to get so old
the beard so very long and flowing
the thick furr on the body
long full eyebrows…
ear hair!
all gorgeous
all spectacular
oh, were i able to live that long..
and in the last few years
i smiled thinking of that
me as some 60 year old man
crazy and filled with stories
rambling on
taking the young ones in my arms
now will i ?
have a failed?
do i miss the prize?
damned to dying young
only full of potential
no resolution
and even better
after all the success
to then have the floating silliness of living just to live
having seen all the world shifting and dancing and playing
just laughing at it
grumbling at it
living on anyway?
well, i’d rather die happy and able than miserable as an invalid
but i know many men at 60 who are still very virile and able
it’s not a game where the winner is the last man standing
but i do want my body hair to be peppered with grey
and my skin older
belly
50’s
i want to be able to give my love
in my mentorship
fucking damn it grrrrr
so i must
must change stories
of what people believe
must survive…
Leo wanted to get the mobile phone thing sorted out
we ate some of the cold cuts and cheese he’d bought the day before
then headed off in the trusty #16 Tram
down town
jumped off at the muntplein
and walked down the rokken
eventually finding some mobile phone stores
about 8 of them all next to eachother
we went into each
waited
talked with people about plans
etc…
it sounded like Vodafone was the best
and Leo had a SIM card from them anyway that he’d got last August
so we topped his up and opened it to all of Europe by activating the Passport
then i bought one
and put another 20€
figured i’d be able to use it around europe
maybe get another SIM card in Germany… maybe Spain
maybe Turkey?
we’ll see how much i need it
how useful it is
not too worried: i’ve tried Skype and it works fine (had a nice little talk with my mom using SkypeOut)
so international calling is pretty taken care of
so long as i can keep finding free WiFi
but it is nice to have a number.
we walked from there down the Warmoerstratt
and
today i got lucky: There was Juan Carlos Tajes
grinning like a mischevious elf
grinning like a kid who’s got the best candy coming to him
grinning like a dirty old man reliving his youth
something about love…
we hugged
it took him a few moments to notice Leo.
we went in
he made tea
we sat and talked for a few hours
all the stuff
stuff going on in our lives
i left him to chat with Leo about something
and went to the WC
a sudden rush
(cue the Erland Oye)
all the stuff on his walls
things so familiar to me
my heart was so open here
so wounded
so bleeding
i’d pick at the scabs
eat them
rip it open
sream the agony
dance in the fire of the pain
the lonliness
the hope
looking at someone
bleeding heart
desperately
hoping
projecting into a future
dreaming
watching for the inuendos
pushing against the ideals
dreading the defeats, the denials, the rejection
returning
broken hearted
broken hearted over and over
such desire
…
where is that boy now?
here i am… a man?
what?
i sat and mourned that stupid childish self
so desperate to find someone to complete himself
longing for someone to share every moment with
where is he?
some faint call..
i remember when i met Nayland again
how i had first met him when my heart was so raw
and instantly fell in love with him
sorry “fell” “in love” “with him”
(hmmmmm)
so
though i wasn’t like that when i Met him again
and actually became friends with him
that colour was still always between us and over us and around us
and it took most of last year for it to wash off
as i’ve closed my heart to that weird desire
washed everything in grey
(like a Cure song!)
though the constant pain, little drip of red
still so quiet and slight
never forget the dream
just don’t live in it anymore
is that bad?
lost passion?
lost heart?
or… Maturity?
anyway
here i am
i walk back out there
and Leo says he needs to use the toilet
and in a second
Juan and i are grappling at eachother
he shows me
though he’s had his health problems
he’s just as insatiably horny as ever
we smile
and make sure we have eachother’s Numbers
— we’ll meet soon
But Leo and i head off to get some Dim Sum
i walk him to China Town
and we eat at the ALL YOU CAN EAT Dim Sum house
not Great
but great..
everything is just beautiful
the rain
the mediocre food
the unhappy polish people dramatically yammering behind me
the two chinese girls going through their albums
filling in all the Euro Coins from all the different countries…
we walked out
down the street
across the big road: i was going to show him Marcel’s street
… and the way i used to go home
.. constant traffic
a cop car stopped to let us pass
then followed us into the street
amsterdam has changed so much
they asked me to stop
got out of the car
one on each side of me
asked me if i had a passport
‘ no, but i’ve got my driver’s license ‘
i show it to them
” oh, we are searching for someone like you… but he is not American ”
oh.
on they drive
on we walk
away from the commercialism and tourists
quiet neighborhoods…
there is so much more dutch than there used to be
what is this?
i used to always hear english everywhere
so many tourists
now
not so many
sure
not a royal wedding, like last time i was here
sure
the whole city is ripped up
under construction
Sure
there’s a war on
so much more dutch
i’m actually… learning some.
the rain comes
we put up our hoods
and walk
the grey
through the streets
fabric stores
coffee shops
… just walking, talking
tired
but it’s so late now
and i’m supposed to be meeting this guy at 9 at the Web
so yeah
we go to the Cuckoo’s nest
yeah
and have a drink
it’s all Jenever for me
to put my zoethout into
talking with Leo
we’re tired
but some chunky guy looks like he’s motioning to me
so i bid Leo farewell
and walk downstairs
don’t find the guy i’m looking for
but see a Turkish guy
oh
the most beautiful!
the dark skin and very furry belly!
that brush of thick mushtache
the musky smell
no words
just the ritual
his body shivers as i lick him all over
it’s all about fucking for them
but we can’t do that
it’s a dance
but we get to where we’re going
and i’m a happy boy
find Leo again
and we’re talking
Good
i’m having a good time
checking myself…
the sexy but sad american tourist is at the bar
Bear guy.
he goes down
i send Leo after him
… and write in my journal for a while
Leo didn’t get him
just not interested
instead
a dutch guy
who knows him from one of his more kinky profiles on line
Ah.
Europe.
over at the Web
it’s very quiet
we talk with the bartender (who i like, and remember from before)
about Spain
and politics
and Amsterdam
different drinks
BaerenBerg
like Underberg, like Jaggermeister
but not so strong, not so sweet
and from near where he’s from, up in Frysland.
the guy i’m there to meet never shows up
Leo heads back over to the other bar
i give some cute furry dutch guy a half hour blow job
he was very appreciative
but said
“that was a lot of work!”
yes, anything worth doing is worth doing well
Then an american, John, starts talking with me
and we’re smoking and drinking
and such great conversation
Leo comes back
we’re all talking
and Leo makes it clear that he’d like to spend more time with this guy
but it’s late
and off we go
back to the house
yeah
maybe i’ll sleep well tonight?
but no
i come down here
to fuck with my phone
manage to erase ALL MY CONTACTS from my computer
all my saved emails
all my telephone numbers.
Everything
off my phone too
glitch
there are tons of safety checks
but the computer just glitched
thank you mercury retrograde!
grrrr
so desperate and sad
i manage to waste another few hours
only succeeding slightly in changing my web page
finally off of yahoo
http://www.dominicvine.net/ is on its own server now
but it’s nothing
just a splash…
picture taken by Miguel for Desi’s Donner Party project
but
there it is
then i went to sleep
managing not to wake Leo
but i stayed in bed again until 11:30 am
so lazy
sweating a lot when i’m sleeping
not sleeping well
left the house around 2pm
down to the Warmoerstratt
no Juan
Leo went to the OudeKerk to listen to an organ concert
i walked over to meet up with Marcel
got him on the phone
when to his new place
— four doors down from his old place.
i told him what’s been going on with me
he told me what’s been going on with him
we weren’t in the mood to give a massage
so we made a date for tuesday night
we ate
and talked
and took some pictures.
he said he’d give me his extra bike to use while i was here
lucky me
it was a bit of mercury retrograde hassle
but we got the bike
… and it started to snow.
he said
“it seems so natural to have you here… this is where i met you.. and it’s like you’re supposed to be here. like you’re normal here”
yes, normal in amsterdam.
he went off to have dinner with his Friend
and i rode the bike
through
what was now becoming Hail
… no Juan
but his Friend answered the door
smiled
rememberd me
i felt embarrassed
he told me Juan would be very busy and probably wouldn’t be able to see me
but i could call him
ahh, lover’s spit.
i rode the bike over to the Cu-coo’s Nest
and found a secure place to lock it
then went to find Leo
i went in there
and did a quick circle:
no Leo
so he’s either over at the Web or locked in a cabin somewhere…
he probably got here around 14.30
and it was about 18.30 by the time i got there…
so i went to the Web
quick circle
no Leo
back downstairs
some guy gave me the eyes…
i was going to go back over to the other bar
but he looked kinda hot
and i hadn’t played around yet
so i thought of following him up
when the bartender told me i wasn’t allowed to go up unless i bought a drink
so checked my coat
bought a drink ( a jaggermiester )
— he skimped me to let me know he didn’t like me
by the time i was heading up
this guy was coming back down
and he started talking with me
then said
“wait, where are you from?”
‘ america ‘
“north america?”
‘ united states ‘
“oh, sorry: i hate Americans”
he walked away
Great.
i stood against the wall
Great.
he came back and kinds appologized
trying to explain that he didn’t hate me
he hated my politics
— i looked at him and asked him if i looked like George Bush
— did he really think that was MY Politicks?
but that’s the difference
we Americans are all fragments
Europeans actually can idtentify with their nation… coz it means something
ours is mass produced in china and sold by walmart
Whatever
i talked with a very drunk slim Rat of a guy (not an insult, just a type)
full leathers
telling me how being in bars gets me no further
does nothing for me
yes
thank you
i walked out
leaving my coat there
back at the CuCoo’s Nest
Leo Grabbed me as soon as i walked in
explaining that he’d sat and had drinks for a while..
then got about nine cocks..
instead of buying a drink there
he went back over to the Web with me
— i heard they were giving out free food
it was mushroom soup
but not canned
.. it was OK
we ate it
and then went off to get some Real Dinner
Tango
the Argentinian Steak House back on the Warmoerstratt
we both ordred lamb chops
shared fries and humita
salad
rood wijn
Yum.
we walked around
back over to the Web
got more drinks
talked to the coat check guy
— he used to head up the Dikke Matjes (our fat friends)
we asked him if the bears still meet up here at the Web
no no, now at a different bar
De Barderij
so we finished our drinks
and went over there
stood around talking to eachother for a bit
when i walked back to the toilets
i was stopped by two handsome older men
they told me how much they liked me
we kissed and hugged a bit
Nice
but there was Jan Willemsen!
he was coming up from downstairs
.. i saw those stairs.. where did they go?
that’s where the Bears are! – he said
so we went down
and it was us
and guys i knew from the Sjako
the bears here in amsterdam
aren’t so fat and furry the way i like my american beef
but they’re freaks
and that’s good.
interesting folk
nice conversations
then we went back up coz they were closing down stairs
Leo realized he had to catch the last tram
and i wanted to go to the Argos
seeing as i had to ride the bike home anyway..
well
i didn’t get the bike moved
didn’t get to the Argos
one of those nice handsome older men
took me on the 13 tram back to his place
telling me he would give me Taxi fare
but we played and
after it was over
i was totally exhausted
he didn’t speak much english
but he said
“sleep here”
— in all the time i lived in amsterdam
that only happened once or twice
that someone would actually invite me back to their house!
and then ask me to sleep in their bed!
i was amazed
and he was such a handsome older man..
so i slept.
woke at 5
still jet lagg confusion
and couldn’t get back to sleep
‘ ik kan neit sleptj ‘
i kept thinking
i used the toilet.
took a shower
and looked out the window: trams running again by 6am
so i said good by to him
and walked down the road for a while
til the tram caught up with me
wow,
way out west
an area i’ve never spent time in
nice
so sleepy
was the bike still there?
i wish a bakkerij were open
oh…
i walked through the Dam
down the deserted Neuwendijk
back to where the bike was parked…
and rode it home!
AH
Amsterdam!
these streets
the canals
the sun rising
the quiet
so warm
in my puffy coat
riding the bike…
back to the church
brought the bike inside
put it against the wall under the coats
came up and moved some data around
and went up to the bedroom
took off my clothes
turned the Radio off
(Leo turns it on when he wakes up really early to help put himself back to sleep)
it stopped his snoring and he said “OH!”
we snuggled up and talked a bit
eventually
i convinced him to leave me alone so i could get some rest
and off i went into the dreaming
the flight was strange
i couldn’t sleep
i sat there reading
til my eyes burned
and i was hallucinatory
and my whole body was sore
that burnt-electric fatigue set in
rocketing through the night at 600mph or something…
i napped for about an hour
waking to the sun glarring in on me
so hot
i wanted to be naked in it
floating in the air up there like that
naked…
burning or freezing?
the plane had to circle
holding pattern
we landed nearly a half hour late
and British Airways has this Excellent idea where you have to check in AGAIN to get your boarding pass for your connecting flight
wow, what a great idea
line a mile long
curling around everywhere
i’m tired now, grouchy
i hate London.
in line
there’s this weedy old guy, could swear he’s Quinten Crisp’s brother
a total sissy
but not empowered by it, dig
so not hot.
he gets pulled out of line
and i take my headphones off
to hear that we get to skip the line if we have a flight in the next hour
which i do
rushed through
security (again, isn’t that a great idea? doesn’t it make perfect sense?)
check in
hike ALL the way across the terminal
sit down
flight’s been delayed two hours.
Oh.
well
that’s great
by the time we’ll be boarding
Leo should be waiting for his flight
i look into the logistics of trying to get on his plane
but it’s a mess
apparently no one knows how to schedule planes at Heathrow
you’d have thought they’d figured that out by now, eh?
well
there i am
trying to nap on the bench
when i realized our gate’s been changed:
to the other fucking side of the terminal
s’ok.
as i walk
i look for Leo
no Leo.
i get to my gate
it’s been delayed another half hour
Ok.
i go walking some more
and there’s Leo!
sitting next to a cute chubby hawaian guy
i point at his case
‘ is that a ukelele? ‘
it is!
he starts playing for us
it’s a big one, a tenor…
he’s sweet
Leo
is
SUCH
a
Slut.
(grin)
Leo smiles at me
and gives me a 10 pound note he’s had since last year
so i go and buy some crisps and a sarny just for nostalgia’s sake
i usually avoid airport food
it’s so vapid.
so i chat with Leo a bit
hug him
and we promise to meet at the baggage claim
—
the flight taxis for about an hour
a huge line of planes a head of us
but it’s less than an hour in the air
and wow
there’s Holland
so flat
the sea
knocking
knocking…
we get our bags
i change some money
Wow, 200 dollars is about 150 Euros…
wow…
ok.
poor America.
Leo and i are happy kids
we’re buying train tickets
we’re buying strippenkarts
we’re missing trains
we’re riding trains
we’re riding trams
we’re walking through the old neighborhood
we’re home
we’re in the church
we’re drinking tea
we’re really fucking tired
and when i tell him everything about what’s been happening recently
he just hugs me
— we go out to get dinner
try and find Juan
no Juan
and food down there is so terrible (in the tourist district, vapid: like airport food… but cheaper)
and the bar…
the bar…
Oh Yes
i remember now
Amsterdam is what made it impossible for me to go into bars anymore!
we’re sitting drinking and talking
and we talk to other people
i initiate it
or Leo does
but they’re drunk and sad and crazy and relentless
ReLentLess
MyGod.
so i leave Leo and go downstairs
and everyone looks at me like i’m an Alien
or worse
Jesus
and i’m making them all feel shameful
avert their eyes
hide their cocks from me
i fucking hate this feeling
Pariah.
i go back up
and Leo chats up some young italian guy
who’s a fuckin nut (and not in a fun way: RELENTLESS)
and then leaves me with the chatter box and goes down
to play with someone
as he always can and does
— he’s so fucking hot.
i get rid of the italian when i’ve got about 2% of my shields left
and then get attacked from the other side by Arrogant Dutch Guy
who is also ReLentLess
and not fun
just snotty and snappy and disconnected
and then Leo comes back
all smiley
and i’m like: LET”S GET OF HERE
nad the Web was just as bad
worse
Leo plays with some kid i used to do girl-chat with
“oh, isn’t that daddy so hot?”
yeah, so hot
he busts a load on Leo’s boot
alright.
we take the tram home and crash.
sleeping was hard
we woke at three
talked a few hours
and managed to go back to sleep til 11
and today?
today i went to Sebastian’s
good to see him again
Helena…
we hugged and talked
had soup and bread
Amsterdam
some american guy from california was there
but i was too happy to be there to be uspet about it
it was a Breema workshop
healing work
all about presence
as he taught it
my judgemental side was pissy that no one was doing it right
and how i was the most exacting of students
that is
the only one i saw actually doing what the guy was teaching
and people responded very positively to what i was doing
great
well
being in a room full of people focusing on presence is always good
and when we lay down in a Sivasana style intention
i fell asleep instantly
dreaming
— i guess many others did as well
there was more chatting
but i said i would meet Leo before 6 back at the Rectory
— we’re staying in the Rectory of an Olde Catholick Church
but Leo wasn’t there
and didn’t get back til 7:30
— he’d been at the sauna
which i knew
got stalked in there by some cute italian
and whiled the hours away…
he’s such a SHY Hunter.
and what am i?
jet lagged
tired and grouchy
we went out to eat
and got back around 11
but i’ve been on this box for hours trying to answer emails
and post things
silly me
but now it’s time for sleep
three in morning
we’ll take the rest of the week easy, you know
gotta get a bike
gotta see the swimming trees
and the old friends
someone asked me about this trip
i said:
most of this purposed trip is about places i’ve never been before
flew into Amsterdam, which i lived in for five months back in 2002
but the rest is all new to me.
a week in Berlin, Prague/Munich, Spain
where Leo returns to the US
and i’ll spend a few weeks on my own
then meet up with another friend in Barcelona
and travel to Venice for a week
then Athens for a week
then onto Turkey for a month
a few weeks in Istanbul
and a few weeks … exploring.
then up to London?
to see Nay’s opening there in June
and then find the family i lived with when i was 17 on foreign exchange
… and visit some old friends from those days.
after that i’m not sure
two more months to spend in Germany (berlin/munich — if i liked them and want to spend more time there– i Love Germany) or poland or hungry or the Czech republic.. Ireland?
we’ll see how it plays out
my return flight is scheduled for September 6th, back to NYC
but i might return earlier if i feel like i should.
as for what’s going on with me right now
i wrote most of it out
but it’s on my lap top
which is currently charging before i can get it back on line
so
i’ll back date them and post them tonight or tomorrow
Ah
but with all that rushing around
i did not get to finish the book before i left the city..
but the book was all about the city..
as the plane was taking off
i was shocked (constantly lately, streaks of blonde through my hair)
i was going so Far away from New York
New York Loves Us!
it takes care of us..
it gives us everything we want
… if we know where to find it
and work hard enough for it.
but away we went
far from new york city
over the dark ocean
tired
wired
i could not sleep
i had to finish the book
and yet
through the reading of the book
i realized that in my rush
what happened to the little buck-skin bag Clyde had given me?
and what happened with that NetFlix?
damn…
no clue
such a rush..
but i kept reading
and through all the drama
the climax that didn’t entirely all connect
not all the promised answers got delivered
melt down
interesting to end a story in a melt down
but maybe that’s how it went?
still
i couldn’t stop thinking about the netflix
and the bag..
when the story was over
i was shocked as well
fulfilling my own beliefs
confused, in light of the conversation we’d had
damn distractions
when it was over
i found the buck-skin bag
no idea how to bring it back to life…
but the netflix?
no idea what happened to that
and will i have to pay for it?
some movie i didn’t see
maybe lost in the taxi?
damn…
$24
money just drifts away…
i slept an hour maybe
and before the plane landed
while we circled in holding
i found focus
it’s so easy
just takes intention
mind pulls away
just bring it back
feels so good
but damn: i’m tired.
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