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still
so
wake late
what are we to do today?
lay in bed
watch the snow falling..
we won’t be touring with Dieter today
no
but by the time i’m out of bed
he’s left already with the dogs
taken them to the Tiergarten for a long walk
i wanted to go to the Winterfeldplatz to see if i could find Fluorite today
… but i don’t know where it is.
Dieter gets back at half past 12
and tells me where it is
but says the market probably closes at 1
so i rush off
jump on the U-bahn one stop
and walk down the street to the market..
which is still very much happening.
it doesn’t take me long to realize they don’t have what i want, though
lots of jewelry made by people
but no strands…
some fluorite, yeah
but not beads
and very expensive..
i should have just bought that little necklace over at the wittenbergplatz..
but instead
i buy stroopwafels from a dutch seller: i never got any in amsterdam
… i got some turkish pepper drop too
and a long string of licorice
then some interesting soap from a syrian guy
made of olive oil
and laurel leaves…
walking through the market
the million things…
try a Grömetlz or whatever it was
not very good
yeah
not what i’m looking for
but beautiful market
thank you!
too bad everything is covered in snow…
i make my way along the ice
back to the u-bahn
up at the wittenburgplatz
i’m looking for a cafe that advertises WiFi
no luck
but some guy stops in his tracks
and feels he must flirt with me
inviting me to meet him at the “Old Timers” bar right around the corner at about 11 tonight
yeah?
let’s me know he only lives ten minutes away…
i head back to Dieter’s
where he and Leo make fun of me for missing his stocky bearish x-boyfriend Paul
… Dieter and i share a taste in men, i’ll tell ya…
speaking of that
Dieter makes it pretty clear he wants some time alone with Friedel today
so Leo and i bugger off going to look for an internet cafe…
Dieter told us about one down the Kürfendamerstrasse
but as we approach it
long walk
all the tourist shit
i realize this is not what we want:
EasyInternet
no place for me to plug in..
so i get this idea we should go out to Kreuzberg
i know it’s a poorer artist burg… and they’ll probably have a coffee shop with WiFi or a cheap normal internet place
Plus
Leo used to have a lover out there
the guy he’d stay with when he came here
… died back in ’99 from jumping out his window
Leo hasn’t been back since
so i feel it’ll be good to give an excuse to go out there
let Leo make some peace with that
take the U1 out…
all the Turkish places, yes..
i send a Text Message to CoCo Pierre
telling him where we’re going
he replies “i’m at the big internet cafe right on the corner there!”
what luck
i walk in and plug in
and Leo goes walking..
i had time to post all the journal entries i’d been writing
but hadn’t written that day
… and i used skype to chat with Joshua about our trip a bit…
Coco told me about great stuff going on
an opening tonight
a sauna party tomorrow
then Leo came back
so i went for a walk with him
— he showed me how things used to be…
then we headed back to Dieter’s for dinner
Friedel cooked: pasta
the sauce was great
but the cabressa… the tomatoes with mozzerlla and basil
i was shocked: had no flavor…
but many things have been having no flavor for me lately
my sense of smell hasn’t really returned since the sinus infection cleared up
… i seem to be only able to smell certain very strong odors
and not taste fully…
Friedel has to go home
and we have an invitation to this opening
plus
my friend Sam did call today and ask us to meet him at his studio…
we opt for that
so we head out on the train.
i’m totally shocked that mobile phones work underground while the train is moving.
just when i thought NYC was so fucking sophisticated
here is Berlin
with QUIET subways, smooth rides… and constant mobile phone connection.
Sam calls and gives me his address, how useful!
it’s not a far walk from the stop off the U9
looks like some office building
but through the foyer, behind
is a little house
they’ve rented the whole thing, up stairs and down
their studios, Sam and Roman
and next door: a little gallery for Roman’s sculpture
beautiful sea-like african/asian deity-type creatures
an subtle japanese-like paintings…
we sit and talk
we pour some wine
one bottle through
the second one is off!
we get another
and another
we pick some music
but Kronos Quartet is too much
so i put on a Cafe Del Mar
i’m not too keen on the collections myself
but i know the mood they present
and this one ends with a song i love but haven’t heard in a while
Lamb’s “Gabriel”
so the music’s playing
and we’re all down on the floor
enjoying the beauty of eachother
four naked men rolling around
finding the soft spots
finding some way to touch
and then coming to rest when we have satisfied..
Gabriel just coming to an end.
Sam snors lightly in my ear
we’re all curled up
Leo and Roman hugging
then Sam gets up to.. update his web page
and i feel like it’s time to get going
Leo and Roman cuddle and talk
and i chat with Sam a bit
i distinctly remember telling him to Shut Up when he was talking talking about computer crap
when i just wanted to pet him.
even if you don’t know someone long
you should be able to tell them to shut up when they pull into their heads
and you just want to be in pleasure with them
but i know this show
retreating to the computer
guess we pulled some heart strings somewhere
we’re all falling asleep
it’s nice to see his balls hang over the chair like that
finish our glasses of wine
yes
now it’s really time to go
it’s been beautiful
we walk through the bright moon-lit snow
back to the main commercial street
U9 back to U1 back to Wittenburgplatz
maybe get a currywurst?
OH! it’s closed…
what time is it?
nearly 1 am..
but…
isn’t this a late night town?
maybe it’s the winter
off-season…
we walk to the old-timer’s bar
but we want to eat first
so we walk around.
there are lots of indian places open
but no, we don’t want a big meal…
ah
there
down on the corner of the big street
that’s an Imbiss
yeah
we get showarma and lamachun
but they just call it döner kebab and turkish pizza
really good
really cheap!
we eat and watch the bar kids leaving
some of them are kinda hot
where are they coming from?
pigs?
bears?
we walk back up the cold cold cold snowy street
and go into the Old Timers…
that guy… he’s not there
and we take a place at the bar
Leo’s sitting in someone’s seat
someone who doesn’t speak english
someone in his 70’s…
Leo is Chicken.
the guy is putting his hand on Leo’s knee
it’s cute
Leo will be talking to me
and the guy will start feeling his neck
Great.
some guy named Rhinehardt comes over to talk to us
he asks if it’s alright to talk to us
and it is
so he talks and talks
he’s curious
he says
i don’t look like everyone else
he doesn’t like Munich (apparently no one in Berlin does)
he’s a cute little man
but really
it’s late
and we need to go home
so
home we go
and
shortly after
go to sleep.

yeah
haven’t had an intnernet connection in the place i’ve been staying in berlin,
sorry about that
but i’ve been writing
just posted it all here
stuff as far back as when i first arrived in amsterdam
but mostly
the last week
i did put up a few images
but they’re just gnome porn
for those feeling brave
click here

i can’t
sometimes
get the day started
it’s 10
it’s 11
i can’t get out of bed
is it that i feel there is no reason to?
i’m just lying around.
and when i’m up
what am i doing?
i’m looking for friedel on the internet
— somewhere there’s a lover
no
there’s the silverdaddies
i’m hard
i’m half-harded
masturbating
oh
just kinda
there’s gotta be something
some spice
some fire
i’m riding the trains looking for matt baines…
no
i’m showering
i’m dressed
i’m eating breakfast with Leo
it’s noon.
we’re back at the computer
we’re looking for the ferry crossing information
we’re faxing documents
we’re getting things done
and doing our best to pay €40 a night in Prague
out the door
getting things done
U2 to Zoo Station
to buy our tickets to Prague
stop over in Dresden
see some death
see some rubble, honey
on the s-bahn
down town
to walk through the falling snow
along the river
back to the Pergamon
wow…
a huge museum
no paintings, no
just stuff taken from around the world
ancient cultures
things that have no context in modern germany
what the fuck are these things doing here?
i feel so strange
after being at Machu Picchu
seeing ancient culture
in its place
history
time
carrying through in place
existence
this museum seems so strange
nothing in context
what is all this shit doing here?
i’m looking for magic
but everything is discovered
no mystery
just some perversion
some fascination
i’m looking at the faces
the little idols….
my phone captures a few
what am i here for?
we leave after an hour and a half
walk to the Under the Lindens street
walk through the construction..
so strange
this city
such a grand history
now
so much space
space for waiting
some hopeful future grandeur…
and i know kids paying €150 a month here!
fabulous
what am i doing here?
we walk down
past the British Embassy
which
in its drama bullshit
has closed the street to protect it from terrorists
damnit
here’s our story
everyone has to be involved
everyone has to drive around
we’re so scared
so scared
begging someone will care enough to drop the bomb
poor england
poor U.S.
us.
we walk to a food bar
get some soup, sausage
round the corner to the Gate Sauna (right by the Brandenburg Gate, that is)
nice
we’re checking in the same time as a cute chubby guy
63, the same name as Leo’s dead friend
yeah
sweetie
from Stuttgart
the place that guy i fell in love with is
Rudi
that place
and he’s a doctor
Neurology and Psychiatry
yeah!
he makes little squeels of joy when i touch him
licking him
squeezing him
his big round body
barrel chest
thick uncut cock
he’s a dear
we’re playing in the steam room
he takes me down stairs
into a cabin
he makes such noises!
i love enthusiasm
and that fatherly love
he’s holding my head against his chest
i miss all my lovers
i miss the lover in myself
there’s a part of me that wants to cry
but i’m squirming
i’m pushing into him
he’s holding me
we sit in the bar
drink a fizzy water with lemon
and i walk back into the steam room
and he finds me
and we’re having fun together
but it’s time for him to go
you know
he’s married
he doesn’t use computers
i’ll never see him again
unless the world pulls us that way
that’s ok
ok.
good night
what do i do now?
i walk around down stairs
and get attatcked by a vampire
the cold draw of his desperate skin
no
i’m in the sauna
i’m sweating
i’m stretching
i’m feeling for something
i’m open
i’m surprised
but there i am: so lucky
thanks.
but the excitement has to go on
there has to be more crammed darkness in the steam room
there has to be thicker, longer cocks
filling my throat
there has to be a fat boy who doesn’t really like or want me
but needs something
there has to be something
and i’m tired
where’s Leo?
he’s downstairs
had a good cum
i’m waiting for him to dry
we’re out the door
back in the snow
the snow
the snowing
still coming down
back on the S bahn
change over at Potsdamer platz
U2
home.
later by a few hours than we thought
Dieter is alright with it
time to go get dinner
but first
the dog must pee on my side of the bed
Ok
and other dog must jump on me and hump me
must try and fuck me
ok
i take a vitamin
i eat some chocolate
ok
let’s go get dinner
Friedel will meet us there (because he got in a fight with his wife)
there is always a smile for a loved one.
there, at the americana-kitsch rest stop restaurant
right inside the door
is a table filled with people laughing and having fun
and
oh look at that handsome daddy
another beautiful married man..
or is that my friend Sam?
we sit at the bar
we’ll have to wait a while for a table
it’s a busy night
and is that Sam?
i take off my coat
and i’m waiting
but is that Sam?
it is.
he called me in the museum today to tell me if we didn’t meet right then we might not have time…
Sam
who used the name on line “WildAndFree”
an american who’s lived here for 30 years… from TX once upon a time
but when i contacted him to tell him i was finally coming to Berlin
he said “oh it is nice to hear from you, but i have a partner now”
like Dieter staying that to Leo when we arrived
“i have a lover now”
and look at these lovers!
i’m hugging Sam at the table
he introduces me to Mario
and i get to watch them through the night
Sam would wink at me
but he’s sitting next to Mario
and he’s in love
and Friedel and Dieter
they kiss eachother
they touch eachother
they laugh
they smile at eachother
Leo and i
what happened to us?
he says: i’ve tried to teach you:
too many rings around Rosie will never get Rosie a ring.
he says: Jenny made her mind up
so she went out and got herself a husband
trouble was
he wasn’t hers.
Leo
the loneliness of popularity.
yeah
you all love us
and how do we love eachother
like dogs
we bite at eachother
i kiss his squishy face
i kiss his hands
he crushes mine
we’re playing
playing at being in love
i don’t know what it feels like
i eat bread and potatoes
i eat dinner (til the hunger’s gone)
yeah
i have pop songs about this
but it’s not a night for staying out late
sure
it’s friday
and we could be slutting it up
but haven’t we had enough?
yeah
we’re home now
it’s just after midnight
let’s just go to sleep
“sleep now and
dream of love
because it’s the closest you will get
to love”
he’s snoring lightly by my side
i’m typing furiously
devendra bahnhart frantically saying
“i understand now”
but it’s about being a White Reggae Troll
it’s about being from Africa (we all came from ya)
i’ll pretend something about yesterday
i’m going to sleep

This Morning
same
nice waking up
slept very well
feeling very good this morning.
sat in bed for a while
writing..
writing emails
writing journal entries
trying to catch up on all the days i missed when i was sick.
around 11
i sat to have breakfast with Leo
we were supposed to leave around 1 to go on a tour with Dieter and Friedel
we’re slow lazy
Dieter and Friedel arrive shortly after noon
we’re eating
ooops!
i guess i won’t be finding an internet cafe today to post all these journals…
they take the dogs out
we clean up the kitchen
and head out
walk up
and get on the 100 bus
ride through the Teirgarten
you know
that’s like a Zoo
Animal garden..
yeah
with the victory column
Eliza
you know
that beautiful gold angel Damiel would sit on…
we ride by her in the bus
we go to the Reischstag
they burnt it
it worked once
worked again
the crosses on the river side
whey they were shot/drowned
your goverment making you a prisoner does not mean “i love you”
the wall cuts through the streets in cobble stones
there are more crosses over there
more dead
the brandenburg gate was in the dead zone
the hotel
the american embassy
the gate sauna?
we walk down the street
all the snow
i pose with the big berlin bear
make a joke out of it
stick my nose in his crotch
through the city!
Dieter
had taken a class to be a tour guide
he’s let it slide
so he’s brushing himself up
showing us around town
he takes us the place he’d taken the classes
shows us the way the city used to be before it got destroyed
by the nazis
by the allies
by the russians
damn
poor city
all these holes
all these good ideas
all these forgotten dreams
something in the future
to the place they burned the books…
yeah
this city has had plenty of bad ideas too
and such history!
the old guard house from a few hundred years ago
now just a lonely statue under a hole in the ceiling
snow falling in dramatically on her
mother holding her dead son
all those who died in war and tyranny
yeah
we stop for a coffee
beautiful tarts/tortes
through the city
the city
all the snow falling
we don’t really want to be out in this
take pictures of eachother..
walk Leo by where i got my hat yesterday
he buys one
we have rebel hats together…
then down back to the S bahn station
back to the house
time for some rest
i sit and write for a few hours
while Leo naps
while Dieter cooks
i finish writing about all those days nearly forgotten
journal all written
good
eating chocolate
drinking rooibos tea
SMS coming in on my phone
it’s Coco Pierre
so we make it work
he’ll come for dinner too
and dinner is a tuna casserole
the four of us
Leo and Dieter, Coco and vine
the conversation goes to the amazing
the stories of NYC in the ’70’s
the stories go on through three bottles of wine
goes on past midnight
berry torte
wine
water
sex
mine shaft
toilet
the difficulty of the german language
how Jean Michel Ulrich knew Nayland way back when? and how is Philip?
ugh
and the belt tightening on how small the world is
Dieter has talked on the phone
taken the dogs for walks
it’s late
we’re tired
Coco goes home
we lay down
i decide to put my head in the north
yeah
we go to sleep
—
which lasts a while
how long does that last?
i don’t know
but i wake up
and go to sit on the toilet
and turn around
and vomit pink for a while
all that wine
all that berry tart
torte
ugh
it’s good to vomit sometime
so says my body
thanks
i didn’t need that anyway
i need a good sleep.

it takes a long time to turn life into words
i woke
wrote for a while about yesterday’s experience
then ate rolls with butter and cheese and meat
some tea
and my last walnut tart from Amsterdam
yum
good breakfast
it looked sunny out side..
Leo an i went out
jumped on the Ubahn
and headed to Postdamerplatz…
in the film “Wings of Desire”
this platz was just a grassy field with a little monument
and what looked like high-ways all round it
but it was probably just… the Wall.
now it is all built up
i was astounded..
big buildings
entertainment complexes…
artful burm built and held into shape by re-bar…
Leo an i walked down a side street behind some buildings
still had a piece of the wall up…
an old watch tower…
an old building
partially destroyed/restored bland… the old part very Grecco…
amazing
huge
compared against this small desperate and sad
tiny box cafe filled with people
watch tower outside
falling apart
windows
little holes for guns.
threatening to kill people is a perfect way to make a perfect society, don’t you think?
piles of rubble lying around
not much of this anymore in Berlin
the city is being rebuilt and cleaned up
— glad i got to see a little of it
we got back on the uBahn and headed up to Prinzlauerberg to meet Rolf
a kid i didn’t entirely remember
but when i saw him
i remembered having met him in Cologne
walking around a lake
a friend of a friend (of a friend)
he said i could stay with him if i needed to
so we’d kept in touch
Leo was off on his own
so Rolf and i walked around town
took a Ring train to the north part of town
climbed a hill
looked out over the city
spreading out in all directions
then walked down into town
past another monument to the wall
huge steel walls
with the cement ones between
i jumped up to see the space
ripped my hand a bit on the concrete
(glad there was no barbed wire)
cemetary…
then into nice commercial streets, ja…
we went into a free store
commercial free zone!
all sorts of stuff
for free…
(grin)
i didn’t need anything right now
(just a warmer hat… they didn’t have one)
we went and had a Showarma
the boy selling them kept telling me i looked like Don Juan
did he mean
Di Marco?
or
the guy from the Casteñeda books?
he didn’t make it clear…
the showarma was good… but it was chicken.
we went from there to the Ubahn to Alexanderplatz
funny
huge radiotower
didn’t feel like paying €8 to go up it
so we walked through the big square
old buildings
hotel
where the old castle used to be
now the socialist parliament building … which is being torn down
we walked behind it
where they had exposed the foundations of the castle
… still old tile work
underground hallways…
hmmmm
down the river Spree
past the huge Paramon Museum
a guy was selling hats
ah! the Northern Pakistani Rebel hat!
it’s the hat i was looking for
and here he was selling them for €20 …
i talked him to 15… and he offered me another interesting felt hat
that came to a point on top
and had a huge flap that folded down to cover the neck: more a desert hat
and with a huge communist red star on front
i didn’t really want that
but it was interesting.
at this point
it was getting dark
and i was tired
we walked past a huge artist collective
then i got on the train
said goodbye to Rolf
and switched back to the U2 line to go back to Deiter’s…
Leo was there
the dog tried to fuck me as soon as i got in
— ah, love..
i sat only a moment
then left again to go meet someone i’d met on line
sweet man
we talked and cuddled and played for a bit
then he made me ham&eggs for dinner
(grin)
but the TV was on
so i left pretty quickly
and just walked back home
coz it wasn’t very far
but i only found it by accident:
i saw a handsome man turning out of a street
so turned to see where he came from:
it was the bear bar!
just a few blocks away from Deiter’s
so i sat and had a drink
but it was dead in there
then went back
watched a bit of Popeye with Leo
then went to sleep…

first morning in Berlin
i head out into the day to get some money changed
all the banks don’t do it anymore
have to go to special places
so i’m looking
walking around
see a street market..
buy a SIM card for my phone
so i now have a german number…
eventually find a place that changes money by the old church that’s partially in ruins
then back to walk around the street market…
i find some flourite beads…
just touching them feels pretty amazing
i know this stone would be great for me
but i don’t think these are the ones…
anyway
i’m hungry so i head back to the house for breakfast
Leo decides he wants to go to the sauna
he’s sore
and it will help him relax
— i agree with him
it’s time for a sauna
my body is very sore and tired
and i’ll just stay focused on relaxing in the heat, ja…
we have our breakfast of sandwiches left over from our trip
walnut tart, guvelde koek
tea
cheese and bread
then i offer Leo a bonbon i had bought while waiting for him at the trainstation on sunday
ahhh
surprise
we split it
half each
then head off to find the Steam Sauna
it wasn’t hard
just down the street
to the right
next to the Thai place
yeah
up five flights of stairs!
when i rang the bell and the attendant came
he just stared at me
i said “just entrance to the sauna, please?”
he stammered ” yes, of course”
and started punching things into the register
then looked at me again
“you do understand this is a gay sauna?”
… Yes
(grin)
it’s always so cute when i totally gob-smack gay boys.
we put our stuff in our lockers
and set off to explore the sauna
it’s been redecorated since Leo was last hear
and i lose him pretty quickly, where’d he go?
so i walk around
a big maze behind a torture room
a porn room
lots of cabins
some open ones
some private ones
a back hall way with benches
showers
very hot steam room..
where i find Leo again
we go and sit down in the back
some guy is immediately on me
but i tell him No, Danke
i just want to relax
get some heat in me
clear my sinuses
stretch my sore body
leo’s sucking dick already…
it’s too hot for me!
i go out into the shower room
and rinse
go back in
stretch..
go back out
the guy leo was playing with comes out
— he looks handsome
we sit and talk
first voice that comes out: New Yorker
but where is he living now?
Palm Springs
voice changes to Queen
while we’re talking a cute looking guy is motioning to me
goes into the steam room, but i’m not quick enough to catch him before he comes out
enough of talking to americans: i’m in europe
i go for a sauna
two saunas
nice
i go in the first
the guy who was flirting with me a minute ago appears
looks kinda irish? dutch? blond. nice belly. cute uncut dick.
(cute dick, that isn’t mean to say, is it?)
we play a bit
but… you know: sauna… it’s Hot
he takes me to a free public booth with a door
and we’re rolling around on eachother
it’s fun
playful
a little disjointed
but fun to rubb on eachother
and he’s trying really hard to make me cum
but that’s not what i’m in the mood for
… so he cums
and it’s over immediately
ok.
i go for a walk
and see a sexy looking daddy sitting on a bench
walk past him and get a drink of water from the bath room sink
rinse my mouth
then go back:
he’s still there
so we go to the back hallway to play
… but he’s one of those asshole daddies
you know
keeps fucking my face really fast while holding onto my hair
smacks me
keeps sticking his butt in my face
— when i refuse to lick his butthole
it’s over
and that’s fine by me
———————-
so
deciding to go back to shower
i’m under the water
and all the men moving around
coming out of the dampfbad; in
showering
looking
i glance one of those daddies with a huge cock
a mature body
little belly
strong face
all the bodies moving round
i walk out of the shower
into the dampfbad
and he’s there, right inside the door
so i stretch a bit
as he’s stretching
he’s watching me
he’s just looking at my body
so i open it, offer it to him
he tastes, feels
he’s blowing me
i, him
nipples, stache
balls
all very good
but neither of us are doing a great job of getting hard in here
this place is really fucking hot
so we shower again
and i head towards the sauna
— he motions out: he must have a room
so i follow
in the narrow hall of rooms
a man with a very round face
sharp horizontal moustache
and round shiny glasses
stops me with authority and looks me in the eyes
“do you know where the lockers are?”
i explain
then ask him his number
“332”
which doesn’t make any sense
that i asked
coz you can’t really meet someone at their locker
but that was a room number
head not there
i go into the room with the nice german daddy
close the door
put down towels
pause a moment to find positions:
he’s sitting on the bed
and i’m feeding him my cock
rubbing his head and shoulders
— he shows me his right shoulder is injured: OK
a while
i look down
and notice his cock is fully hard
i think —‘ helmet head ‘— as people always say
looks just like one, yes
mushroom looks like that, flattened out and flanged…
Helmet… going into battle… or deep sea diving…
so i sit back and offer to suck him
beautiful
i explore the head first
he lies down on his side
69 is fine
so i’m getting to work his cock deeper into my throat
until it’s all the way in
because it’s so big
this is
at first
the challenge and goal
but once it is surmounted
then i am at holding him inside me
and feeling him
so i’m feeling him
and he really likes that
so the pace pics up
and we start rising and falling on rhythms
— eventually it sounds like he’s coming
it’s good
i don’t really taste much, but he’s so big and deep in my throat…
we relax a moment
then he gets up on his knees
i feel where he’s going
so i get onto mine
and he just takes to push his large self right inside me
too much too quickly, my body lets him know
he fusses around with the packaging
lube? condom? i can’t tell
then he’s back at my door
knocking
coming in
exploring
welcoming
finding his way in
finding his way
i’m tight
not sure this is the best idea
wanting it
and it feeling good
but i’m not opening all the way
he has me on my knees
head/chest down
he’s perched right over me
plunging down
waiting
then pushing
the pain
the pleasure
the pause for connection
he finds his way in
then he pushes me down onto my belly
ja
but the bed in there isn’t long enough
so my feet are pointed
toes against the wall
my body flat on the bed
til my chest and head, which are curving up, face almost against the wall
i’m holding myself like that when he enters me
huge burst of joy out of him
he works his way in
and starts pumping faster
he’s all the way in right now
and i’m feeling his body
and i’m feeling mine
and noticed what position i’m in
so i fold up into Cobra pose
arching my back, my neck my head: eyes focused on the ceiling behind me
he’s riding me
my body is opening up in new areas
i’m feeling our bodies lock in
connection
open
the energy flowing
i’m arching so much i can see his face
pushing up with my arms
opening my chest
he starts cuming in me
and i feel the energy racing up my spine
spreading out through me
– i grab hold of it with my root and hara
start working myself into him
and start cuming as well
doing my best to keep the energy up
circling through
we’re both there together
he can feel me cuming
and he’s moaning more
we ride it for a while
and when we’ve filled eachother
we finish
and i slowly curl back down
he’s inside me
and motions to pull out
i push out
then push back, once he’s out
to stretch myself
my shoulders
sit back on my haunches
he admires my body for a while
as he had done throughout
this is a moment of rest
we smile
and hug
i go to take a shower.
drink some water
Leo and i say we’ll meet to leave at 6…
i walk back into the back
and there’s that guy who was looking for his locker
he says
“Hello handsome”
with a tone in his voice
like i’ve known him forever and we’re glad to see eachother
he’s german/Lebonese and is living in Abudabi
here for the hotel convention
he says “there’s always something special about Americans…”
glad to know someone still likes us
i sit down next to him (arm of the chair) and lay against him
we’re just talking
he’s asking me about my life
… ah, how those questions can come and flow…
eventually he says
“well, then how about you give me a massage?”
i tell him i’m tired, but he says let’s go anyway
so we go back to his room
and he is really big
in the kinda hard to move around kinda way
but he’s sweet
and we’re cuddling
i get on top of him
and rub him
just explore his body a bit
working the muscles, seeing how he’s put together..
rubbing him all over
belly, legs, feet
he likes it
we’re cuddling and rubbing
and then it gets more sexual
but not all that active
i’m massaging his muscles
sucking him
a nock at the door
“you want a massage?”
he says no
“but you said you wanted one”
a half hour?
“no, we’re all scheduled up”
oh, then i’ll pay for it but don’t want one now, go away
— he turns to me and says
i’m already getting the best massage with you
though i’m tired and feel like i should be going
we play a bit more
and
his cock in my hand
he comes
i try to cuddle with him more
but that’s as much as he can take
so
ok
we’re saying good byes
and he says
“wait, dominic, i have a gift for you”
— i smile and wait, feeling like he’s going to give me his business card or something…
he hands me a wad of cash
— long ago i stopped refusing cash.. it used to always make me feel awkward and i would try to say ‘ no no no ‘ and they would explain their reasons… til somebody once said ” i have it and you need it and it’s something i can give that will help you out and i’d like to do that, just take it– it’s ME wanting to give you a gift, just accept it ” … so now i do.
he hands me a wad of cash
and says
“buy something nice in Madrid”
like with my massage clients
i don’t look at it
i just say ‘ Thank You’
and tuck it into my towel
hug him again
and go to put it in my locker
… four fifty euro notes.
i’m totally floored…
ok.
thank you.
a little bit of income makes me feel so much better…
then i go back for a shower
for a sauna
for a good plow pose
camel..
i felt it made some of the guys uncomfortable…
fortunately there were two saunas here!
i finished with a cold rinse
and went to sit with Leo in the lounge
cooling off…
then it was time to head home.
Leo was very stoned
but i was hardly affected by the bon bon
well.. i was in a good way
but not past my control/effect level
i was having fun
we walked home a new way
and it worked
had dinner with Dieter..
he cooked us pork chops, broccoli, cauliflower and potatoes..
when Dieter first brought the dogs in
the big black newfoundland named Ramseys
was really freaked out by me
barking barking
so i hid in the bedroom to let him calm down
and after dinner
he changed his tune
he just wanted to fuck me
and every other minute
he would jump up on me
this huge 160lb dog
and start humping
he still has his balls too
so who know’s what will happen if he keeps this up
but tonight
i am too tired
going to bed early
and sleeping well

i’m thinking
where
riding on the train?
or was it before…
i was thinking of those fucking shackles people wear all the time
damn
WristWatches
fucking Watches
watching
Terrible things!
a metronome for people’s lives
who get fooled
tricked into thinking life happens a second at a time
when there is so much more
the flow
the every pouring flow
indivisible
nothing moving
nothing passing
moving impossibly faster than they could even imagine
always right now
whole
in this instant forever
will these people
sold to some slave trader
bound to time
ever break free to Now?

trying to keep all the days organized can be rough!
but i’m feeling much better now
still
i woke with such a strange feeling…
was it something from a dream?
i was embarrassed…
did i wet the bed?
did i have a wet dream?
what happened? was i cover in snot?
cold sweat
what is it all the time with all this sweating?
i need to sort out all this body stuff that’s going on with me
i rolled out of bed and went down for the shower
then into the small sunny room where the computer has been
crooked into the corner ‘just so’ to get a WiFi signal
wrapped up some communications
Leo came down
we emailed his friend in Berlin that we would be staying with
then i closed it down
ran up stairs and finished packing my things up
stripped the beds
emptied the garbage
took down the dishes and the trash
10:10
walked (at a fast pace)
down the Ruysdalestratt, past Sebastian’s to where that guy Richard used to live… which is now three buildings of Squats. Good for them
i gave them my orange shirt and green wool pants
then to the corner baakerij and got twee wolnuten tartepuntjes und twee guvele koeken (because they’re my favourite) for the road… er, rails.
back to the house
10:25
i ran upstairs (pacing myself) for my bags
quick look around to make sure…
then down to give hugs and say goodbye
out the door
towards the train
then i remembered i needed some water
and it’d be much cheaper from this little store than on the train
Leo chastised me
but i didn’t listen
i went in
looked around…
Found the Spa Blau
paid (one euro thirty five)
as the tram turned the corner and headed for the platform
i ran
and made it.
Ja.
all uneventful from there on
catching my breath
mwa mwa mwa
on the train now
as the flat flat flatness of holland rolls by
snow covered in the east
lakes frozen
few trees
the old buildings
not so much tourist and money flow
more moss
more decay…
other places
more sunlight!
‘red-headed-houses’
and the quiet hum of the train
that makes me feel like i’m almost flying
… or constantly falling
(i’m sitting backwards watching it all recede)
————12:43————–
we passed out of the sunshine
into a huge snow storm
big leafy flakes
passing by so fast
looked almost like tv static over the image…
…
when the train moved very slow through a birch forest
green moss on limbs
huge flakes wafting slowly down
i ached for my camera
too late
——-13:23———
now somewhere east of Hannover
rocketing through a countryside covered in snow
deep in grey
though i still expect it to be sunny and bright
it looks like it’s almost night
the snow is falling hard…
the houses are bigger
broader
almost like suburbs
i love how everything looks
and i wonder if it’s because trains will never go into a suburb’s culdesacs..
well maybe light rail
but this fast
rocketing
floating train
it isn’t connected to anything societies viscera
it pumps cells from heart to heart
it makes everything look exciting…
even still
the birch trees and mossy green limbs…
——— 15:30 ———
white fields against white birch
———- 15:48 ——–
we arrive in Berlin around 17:30
get off the train
and before we can even try and figure out how to make the UBahn ticket machine work
a nice (very tall) german boy is helping Leo
(ah, it’s good to travel with him, my elderly grandpa)
giving him directions in english
buys two week-long tickets for us! (with our cash, of course)
but then we’re down stairs
up stairs
across the street
back in the same place
down stairs
around the corner: THERE it IS
the U2 line to Wittenburgplatz: where we’re staying.
one stop
no problem
we walk out
cross the street
and wait by the gay weiner stand
Deiter meets us
they hug
and he lives a block away
one flight up
we go in
throw our stuff down in the bedroom
advancements in the story:
Deiter has got a boy friend (in the last two weeks)
so won’t be needing private time with Leo
well well
and his boy friend is CUTE!
they met at a funeral.
(grin)
he doesn’t speak english, but he smiles nice…
after he leaves
we go out for a walk with the dog
to a place that translates as “high way rest area”
and have a nice dinner
— i eat curried lamb schank
holding the bone
i rip the grizzle with my teeth
i love restaurants!
this neighborhood is gay-ground-zero
there are a million bars in every direction
a bunch of saunas
constant cruising in the summer, i bet
not too far from the Teirgarten, big park where there’s lots of park sex with the warmer weather…
so we see all the bars we might like
and bars we should avoid (hustlers… but ok)
then back at the house
i give Tony, Deiter’s dog, a massage
he loves it
and we’re friends (ie: he won’t leave me alone)
tomorrow Deiter is getting another dog, Ramseys
a huge black new found land
who’s full grown
Tony is an old english sheep dog, and just a puppy
but everyone on the street is afraid of him coz he’s so big
not some little city dogs here, no
dogs made for cold weather!
still
we’ve had a long day
so Leo and i turn in early…

i’m now in the New car/van down to rotterdam
with Sebastian, Helena and Frank
This morning i woke around 9:30 or so
it was not a great sleep
i felt all groggy
Leo talked a bit
then left
on his way to the mass…
i lay in bed
feeling my body.
just in sivasana
just feeling my body could feel everything going on
well…. the pain…
the soreness…
strange imbalances
strange rhythms…
my body feels like a foreign place
like all of the terrain has changed.
as i paid attention to things…
as i felt my way though things
awareness would blossom
and pathways would open..
my throat
my sinuses
my ear
it’s simple
i know
if i’m present
all will take care of itself
it’s not just getting out of the way of my body
but releasing it
while devoting myself to it
subjugating myself, in a way
humbly
… as a servant.
i then started in on some yoga
everything is so tight
and so sore…
and where as i had excellent feelings of awareness and wholeness in bed
while i was moving around my thoughts were going everything…
and if what i need now is concentration
perhaps my style of meditation must change as my life must change
not so much moving… more stillness…
i went down stairs
took a shit
enjoyed looking at it
ahh… the dutch inspection shelves…
need to firm it up a bit…
then a shower
all the tricky water controls…
when will we live in a perfect world where all the showers work properly?
then
so hard to get out of the house…
i futzed about on the computer a bit
finally
getting my self together
i felt a panic to rush out the door:
Leo was at church
but we weren’t meant to meet at the Centraal Station to validate our Eurailpass and get reservations for our trip to Berlin
meanwhile: i had plans
so i threw all my gear on
there were wires all over the foyer…
the mass was being recorded for radio today, oy vey…
i had to pump up the tyres of Marcel’s bike
so… figuring out how to do that
then the phone rang…
it was Mixalis thinking he was calling Leo
but he chatted with me
and chatted and chatted
while i struggled to get my bike to the door
then the technician guy came through and grabbed the cables
and thank you thank you
and i explained the mix up, gave him Leo’s number
and he gave me his in Crete
ok ok
he told me i should drink whiskey
warmed up
with cloves
and honey
yes yes
thank you
by this time i had wrestled the bike out of the door
and had walked it down the street a while
but we were done now
i said good bye
got on the bike
and rode round the corner
down the street
to my favourite local turkish place in this neighborhood (back when i lived here)
different people working there now
i asked a girl to make me Two Lamachun
got an Ayran
and sat down to breathe…
…
good to drink…
and the food
OH!
each bite was like warm LIFE
felt so nourishing
like i could feel my legs pulsing with life again..
was i just starving?
probably…
i hadn’t really felt hungry til now (for days)
but my stomach wasn’t really ready for two of them
so i ate one and a half
thanked the other half
and tossed it
back on the bike…
and off to find the Laagte Kadijk . . .
i was shocked by how i found my way through the city
how i remembered almost every turn
knowing where i was
the big streets
the little
through the traffic…
how everything worked…
the nostalgia so strong
sweeping me up with excitement and joy
and all of a sudden
i was there
wondering which way to turn next
i was there.
jumped off
took some pictures
what to do here?
hello!
(laughs)
no time, gotta go
winding down
trying to find the way i wanted to go
(past the swimming trees)
… it opened for me naturally
an adventure
an invitation
a welcoming.
i parked the bike
said hello to the ducks… the strange birds
wanted to take pictures right away
wanted to hug the trees…
didn’t want to piss off the ducks.
the trees were slick
from all the snow
the ice
the moss
the algae…
i walked slow
crouched
the ducks grumbled at me
then swam over asking me for food…
i took some pictures
i grinned like the fool i am
happy
giggling
people walking by…
but gotta meet Leo
so i’m off
past Henk and Joeke
HELLO!
through the Waterlooplien
down to the NieweMarkt
that alley to the Oude Waal…
to chain up the bike
and write a note…
when Leo called me to tell me he’d left his passport at home
Oh, OhKay.
so i wrote.
and i walked
and i bought some groceries.
Mercury retrograde
round and round again
Lost in the train station
looking for Leo
standing behind a pillar
i’m one side to the other and back and forth, oh.
we eventually meet up
go to get our pass validated
and there are no window seats left for tomorrow!
i’m heart broken…
but on we push
Leo walks me out of the station to catch the 5
but then it’s all the way back by the door we came out of
oh!
i keep forgetting…
but i’ve got to get going quick!
back to the house to grab my lap top to take on the trip to rotterdam so i can write while sitting in the car…
then over to sebastian’s….
when i leave the rectory
the wind is blowing and big wet snow is falling fierce…
by the time i get to Sebastian’s door…
it stops.
i helped clean up a bit from yesterday’s ritual
folding up all the clothes
wrapping up the copper wire on a spindle
which is what i’m doing when Frank arrives
and we all get ready and GO
the new car that Sebastian borrows is nicer than the old one, which had no back seats
this one is posh
little van/car thing
i don’t think i’ll get much writing done here
we talk most of the way
i write for a little bit
not looking at the screen… staring out at the scenery..
beautiful
strange
holland
the Modernity of things outside of the old cities
Rotterdam
that war torn city that rebuilt it self in part like a depressing british neighborhood
and part like an art project
a huge factory… refinery or something
looks like a giant art deco toaster or something
smooth round metal walls
with some hard edges for accent
a few hundred feet high
— the Sheik’s neighborhood warms my heart as my eyes recognize it
snow falling
we all get out and quietly walk inside…
a lecture going on…
the Sheik sitting in the kitchen
i walk up to him
and drop to my knees
and instead of grabbing hands
i throw my arms around him
which is strange
my relationship with him used to feel much more equal
but now he feels like a sight for sore eyes..
a man who is special (to a community) because he is a Vortex of love
he is love
he is loving
he is lovable
a man who is lovable!
how rare!?
a man who is loving!
when i was here in 2002
i was much closer to that
how i aspired to be
to love all
be loved by all
be love
shine love
share love
now i’m feeling lost and scared and …
it felt amazing.
so we sat down for the beginning of Zikr
the music started
different…
one of the men, i don’t remember his name
but the dark skin
the deep eyes
he plays … a lute? something like it
that…
then an african type drum from a white boy…
then the iranian drums
then the singing
then sebastian is a dervish
and i’m shivering
and i’m swaying
and i’m praying
and i’m saying
la ilallaha il alla
— there is nothing but god
and i am dancing
my hair is flowing
and my head is opening
i hear things pop and move
and i’m laughing and i’m crying
we’ve got it going on
it’s short today
the Sheik is ill too.
only slightly longer than a half hour
we wind down
we come to rest
he calls me over
we talk
we mostly sit next to eachother
there’s drama with the other white people
the dutch people
there always was before
the same thing that challenges me with the naraya
certain people needing SO much attention
maybe it’s just cause they’re greedy…
maybe because i am
maybe because they’re asking for it
so he gives it
where as
to me
he offers it
so i get to receive it.
dinner is much simpler
but good
and the sheik goes off to bed.
we sit and talk
the sheik’s daughter-in-law asks me about yesterday’s ritual
Sebastian and her Husband are translating so everyone is understood
i tell her it felt much more like lift triumphing over death:
many people are born dead
they live dead…
until eventually
they die
or they burst into life screaming!
…and they surrender into being carried by those who will bear their weight.
she asks me what i would do, right now, if i found i had two weeks left to live…
i tell her i wouldn’t try to see the world, taste the foods, feel the feelings…
coz i’ve already done that
i’m still doing it
i love it
but
i would find someone who i trusted in the art of dying
in such a short period of time
i would want someone who could help train me
so i could do it gracefully.
then a cake comes out
for a birthday
and more music is made
more songs are played
– i record one with my camera
ja!
and we go…
but on the way home
we stop by another of Sebastian’s friend…
an Old Man
90? 80? 70?
who knows
you can get old at any age
but he couldn’t use his legs much
severe arthritis
great mind
walls filled with books
sweet..
Sebastian put me on the spot telling me to suggest a project for his old friend
— i imagine him naked on a bed surrounded and entwined with young bodies
everyone laughs
or blushes
but most elderly are ill because they don’t get touched enough
i see him rubbing his red arthritic hand
and i so badly want to reach out and touch him
but don’t know if i can ask
how i’m feeling…
and it’s time to go
and we get back home
i go and get “in the city of shy hunters”
return to Sebastian’s…
where he shows me pictures from yesterdays ritual..
ah, the sweet face of Ito..
us…
we look so beautiful!
then he and i and Johnathan and frank
sit around the table and talk
talk talk talk
Leo invites me down to a bar
but how could i possibly?
this is what i love
talking with friends
and Sebastian shows me the journal i left at his place
made out of my jodhpurs
ahhmmmmmm
nostalgia
mercury retrograde
guiding the way
tricking us in the steps…
i go home
make sandwiches with Leo for tomorrow’s trip
but it still takes me a long time to get to sleep
..

slow going morning
but i could tell i was definately feeling… better?
relatively
relativity is everything, yeah
yeah…
on down the street
yeah
to Sebastian’s
up the elevator
and… into costume
though everyone was looking for funny clothes…
i was happy with a simple Kirpa
white (for sufi dancing)
and while everyone else was getting their face painted white and black like skeletons (kinda)
Sebastian said i would not get any paint
OK
we stood in circle
we did some breema
we chose groups
to talk about Death
this was all being filmed by an Iranian documentarist
our group was our beloved Tania, Johnathan, Ito, Marieka, Theo and dominic… ja…
the stories from the dutch were about how they always felt they had too much responsibility for other people’s lives and weren’t allowed to live their own
weren’t allowed to exist… couldn’t be heard… were strangled by their invisibility
born into death… grew up in death
like i did
who talked about always looking for the door out of this world
a way to die that was OK with the world, not suicide
looking for the way out … always…
WAY OUT
the other american felt he was dying
felt his fake bullshit self was dying
he was dying away
coming into being
he just wanted to die
he was scared
he was excited: this is what he’d always wanted
and Tania had dreams
of being bound up
helpless
then being carried..
so we made a ritual about it.
the groups began
the first group
what happened?
i don’t know
there was laying around
moaning
shouting
and twitching
then us, the second group
sebastian posed us into hitting tania on the head with large pieces of wood
we collapsed into eachother
then morphed into our ritual
her on the table
marieka screaming
being strangled
blinding theo
grabbing
pulling
we lifted Tania
and walked around the table with her many times
put her down
i felt nauseous…
kneeling at her feet
Johnathan said i could use every person i met as a door
use this opportunity
we sat down
i told sebastian i felt i should be naked
so when the next group started
he asked me to join them: naked
i was lifting, holding bodies
dead boy
i was up on the table
holding on
supporting
grabbing
pulling
keeping the weight off
dead
dead boys
the fourth act
was me
helena
ito and johnathan
the two men wrapped me in gauze
my nose dripping yellow snot on the white
they lifted me
in fetal position
the put me down
helena held me
poured vanilla vla into my mouth (like a pudding)
same colour as my snot
it drooled out of my mouth
down my body
as i struggled to break my bonds
and suddenly it was my disease
comming out of me
in this infected phlegm
binding me
that i was breaking free of
coughing up
standing up
strips of gauze
covered in snot and vla
dripping from my body
then all the young on the table
holding hands
being blessed by all the older
circling
blessings
receiving
thank you
blessings
i showered
we all cleaned up
Frank had made dinner for all of us
Tania sat still in her fasting
Simon brought down a book of Hermann Nitsch
austrian Action art
bodies covered in pig blood and innards
at the dinner table
we ate
drank
i was tired
didn’t eat much
my vitamins
motherfuckergoddamnit
eating
some people going
the rest of us
all laying down on the floor and cuddling
yes
all of us
sleeping
napping
ito let me put my hand on his belly
hand on his shaft
resting
theo’s arms around me
i went to the toilet
ito followed me
and i asked to see him naked before me
the veins in the foreskin
the blend of italian and dutch in him
formidable
beautiful
i hugged him
it was time to go
to go home
to rest some more
a little time on the internet
and talking with Leo
and sleep.

in the morning
i woke
drenched in sweat
and took the sea salts i had bought for cleaning my nose
down to the bath room
and took a shower
then filled the tub
and soaked for half hour in sea salts
then went to lay in the small bed room with the sunlight
more sleeping
more turning
being too hot
being too cold
sleeping.
eventually
i felt almost human
and sat to do a little internet stuff
feeling like i MUST plan my trip for Madrid
snot slobbering
i got out of bed to piss in a cup and snort it
BURNED my nose
but maybe that was from the poppers that had splashed up there from the leather men?
or from how dehydrated i was?
i vowed to drink more water
and drank
and pissed
and snorted
and burned
eventually
it was time to go:
tonight is the night we plan the ritual for tomorrow’s Banquet of Death
ughhhh
can i make it?
the walk to Sebastian’s house was really only 10 minutes
i could do it…
and i did
crashed on the couch as soon as i got there
but enjoyed meeting all the people
beautiful people
interesting people
so full of light
a beautiful girl, Tania, was on the Lemonade fast…
kept it in a thermos: warm
good
she gave me some
a very handsome man
i didn’t know his name
we kept locking eyes…
when it got time for us to do Breema excersizes
we choose eachother
and just touching him felt good
cuddle
i wanted to sleep…
we watched a TV movie about Shamans
and how they take people to death to heal them
and how you have to do the work
no matter what you call it:
disease, virus, AIDS:: the world has it and we have to help
a korean woman who dances… dances you to death
then leaves you there for a while to heal everything in your life
scared the other shamans… thought she was killing people!
and some guy outside of bangkock… who got a recipie from angels while sleeping
over 15 years
to make Golden Ash Powder
it would cure AIDS and get rid of HIV
over and over
belief
strength
the world of faith is so much more interesting and powerful than this limited world of answers we live in
but ugh
that was enough
i crawled home
and was asleep before midnight

my story is not a Triumphant story
but
Humanity’s story is not a Triumphant story
all of my successes worked hand in hand with my failures
ring around the roseies
pockets full of posies
ashes
ashes
we all fall down