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so
sleeping
yeah?
but at about 5am
the drunk americans came in from St Patrick’s day
loud
banging around
laughing
ugh
Leo and i imagined witty things to say
but figured it’d all be more trouble than it was worth
within and hour
they had settled down and passed out:
we followed suit.
but unfortunately
our wake up call was at 7:30
as our train left at 9:15…
so Leo had some coffee
and threw all the breakfast food in a bag for the trip
i squeezed my lemon into a glass
then poured it into the water jug
it was fizzy water
so it bubbled up and came out (a bit) onto the table
yeah.
shouldered our burden
out the door
Leo left his suitcase
went back to get it
then
yeah
in the taxi.
he drove us a round-about way to get to the station
not directly through town like the guy who gave us a ride FROM the station
but it was nice
to see parts of the city we’d not seen before
the big theater
the dancing building…
ah. so many beautiful buildings
the river..
and even with the longer route
the rate on the meter was only about 127Kcs
what… $5?
what it should have been.
getting the tickets was a little hassle
the lady sold us first class
when we asked for second
but
communication being poor
we didn’t know that til we were sitting in our second class seat
twice as expensive
still
€20 for the both of us
so we moved to first class
which was hardly better
window glass very dirty
heater on too high
more snow than i’ve seen in a long time…
the train ran along a river most of the way out of the czech republic
lots of bridges with ramps in front of the support columns
i’d never seen that before
to protect from debris, i guess
little dams everywhere
just a few feet
at the base of one
i saw a man in waders
fishing
all the land surrounding the area covered in snow
.. i thought of my dad
so jotted him a quick email about it
— not quick enough to take a picture
the little towns we passed
crumbling beautiful buildings
churches…
we sat
sleepy from the heat
three hours to Furth im Wald
the first city over the german border
a ten-minute window
to use the ticket machine and buy a Bayernticket
a regional ticket that lets you and up to 4 other people travel anywhere in Bavaria
€25
got on the next train
second class
Deutsche Bahn
so much nicer
sat in a cabin with a quite german boy
til i scoped out the scene
and noticed empty cabins two cars away
we walked down there
and rode the next two hours into Munich
tired
tired boys.
beautiful
all the snow
the forests rolling by
towns getting bigger
as we pulled into Munich
both of us spacey
and kinda incommunicado
i figured out the S-Bahn route down town
which the Bayernticket included
so we rode to MarienPlatz
and walked passed all the amazing reconstructed buildings
all the people in the public squares
eyes open
gaping at everything
Leo complaining about me going too fast
me just wanting to stop carrying all this stuff
looking at the map
looking at the street signs
round about
but getting to the Deutche Eiche
a Hotel/Sauna/Restaurant that had been recommended by Jerry and a guy on the internet i had been talking too..
so many handsome mature couples and single men smiled at me on the walk there
in fact
waiting for Leo at one street corner
a man asked me if i needed directions
with a hint of more
but i was too tired to play it
just told him i knew where i was going
we checked in
€105 for a double room
beautiful room
WiFi
and i got to show Leo the Glory of Windows in Southern Germany
i love Southern Germany
i would live here if i could
i will live here some day
somewhere in southern germany..
we put our stuff down
and quickly went back out:
had to get our tickets for tomorrow
Leo saw a vodafone store and wanted to put more money on his phone
paid for it
but then they couldn’t figure out how to top-up his account
him being through Vodafone NL
grrr
they told us to walk to the bigger store up on Marien platz
so we walked up to the Viktualmarkt
huge
i stopped at a german cheese seller
because i’d wanted Cumin Gouda the entire time i’d been here in Europe
and not got it yet
so i asked for a slice of that
then started looking at other cheeses…
ended up buying five types..
€12 of cheese
s’ok..
we stopped and bought some amazing looking bread
Leo bought some sausages
i went into a hair brush store i’d seen walking down
and bought a bristle brush-cleaner..
i remembered my mother had one of those when i was kid
and i’ve never had one…
now i have something to clean my brush with!
up into the main square
it was gorgeous
and right before we went underground
i appealed to Leo that we stay above ground til the sun set
ok..
we started walking around
and all the bells were ringing
from all the churches
17:15
Leo went into one
and i asked him if he’d like to attend mass
as he was seeming really burnt out
and i knew that would help recharge him
he aggreed
so i left him
took pictures of things
walked around
topped up my T-Mobile card
got a bit lost
drank some fresh beet-carrot-apple juice
back to the hotel
drop off the stuff we bought
a bit of data transfer
then back to the church a bit late
mass was still happening
it was just a rosary before
now mass
we left about 18:30
twilight
got on the s-bahn
back to the station
and decided to split the trip in two
so got reservations for tomorrow from Munich to Bologna
leaving at 11:30 so we wouldn’t have to wake up early again
and the next day from Bologna at 13:46 to Civitavecchia: where we’d catch the ferry.
the italian train reservations were €60
fuck
we could have done it cheaper, i’m sure
but the german clerk was an asshole
and Leo had no patience
so he just paid it
ok.
back on the S-bahn
walking back through the squares
now empty
back to the Hotel
i used Skype and called my friend in Augsburg
but there was no way he could see us tonight
so we went down stairs for dinner
i sat in plain view of a gorgeous german guy
“on a date”
Leo said
“dates” give me Hives.
oh, i haven’t mentioned that
for the last week
Leo and i have been playing this game…
a few years ago in conversation with Eli
he was talking about how his sister was reading “a Course in Miracles”
Eli grew up in new-age commune family in Northern California
steeped in that new age crap
he hates it
he said
“A Course in Miracles gives me Hives”
but said it in a very off-handed way
.. it’s always stuck in my head
and i’d told the story to Leo a few times
one of us brought it up a few weeks ago
and we keep playing the game of what gives us hives
Politics
TV
Tourists
McDonald’s
etc..
the whole concept of meeting someone for a “date”
where you’re expectant and comparing them against some ideal
or sizing them up for your life mate or something
eeeeeh.
whenever i’ve met someone and they’ve said the word “date” describing what we’re doing
it always turns me a bit off
so anyway
i’m looking at this cute guy
his “date” gets up to use the toilet
and we make eye contact
he flinches
this is not uncommon
he can only look at me
which he wants to do
if i’m not looking at him
so i have to consciously not look at him when i can feel him looking at me
so he can see me
as he does the same for me
stupid frat boy.
i’m not attracted to foot-ball-player frat-boy kids when they’re young
but for some reason
when they’re in their 40’s and 50’s
they’re hot.
for a minute or two
anyway
we eat
and because i’ve been fasting all day
the food makes me very sleepy
i leave Leo to pay the bill
and go upstairs to lie down.
since Berlin i’ve had The Cars song “Drive” stuck in my head
because of the WiFi here at the hotel
i’ve had my program out trying to download it
… it came in while we were eating
so i put it on
and listen to it over and over
laying in the dark on the bed.
Leo comes in
and lies down
as the song ends
and goes quiet.
he wants more music
so i put some on
Tortoise
“gamera”
when it’s over (13 minutes)
he uses Skype to call a guy he knows here
who’s also not going to meet us
so we head down stairs to the sauna
this sauna is one of the most elaborate i’ve ever been in.
it’s beautiful
well lit
well designed
it goes on forever
mazes and cubby holes and cabins
two saunas
huge steam room with a maze
porn rooms
chill out rooms
wow
in my initial exploration
i see this tall broad beefy shaved head furry german guy
i follow him to a dark area
and we play
it’s that holding/hugging kinda play
some sucking
but mostly manual
with lots of body contact:
we both cum
five minutes after i arrive.
yeah
so i go to check out the rest of the space
get caught up in following men around..
Munich men are much sexier to me than Berlin men.
i LOVE bavarians
always have, that i’ve known… since i met my friend Rudi
one of the hottest guys i’ve ever seen..
but i go to play with this italian guy
compact
but hot
takes me into a cabin-thing in the dark-maze area
the more we play
the more we attract
there are hands grabbing from every angle
it’s really fucking annoying
he cums
and wants to cuddle and hold and chill with me
but it’s like fucking gnats
they won’t stop when i swat them away
so i run!
take a shower
walk around
think about going up stairs
but meet a man on the stairs coming down
and he’s so cute
so we go down to a cabin together
he says he’s just cum
is it alright to cuddle?
Great!
we cuddle and talk
he has one of my favourite names:
Uli.
but yeah
eventually he’s rubbing me and licking me and playing with me all over
that goes on a while
then more cuddling
we fit together nicely
he’s soft.
then i start playing with him
lick him all over
rub my beard on him
and though he’s not hard
he cums
gives me a lecture on how i shouldn’t swallow
yeah
i’m still learning my lessons
more cuddling
then he takes me to meet his lover
who’s named Ilya
the name of a playmate Leo’s had in SF for a few months
and i know Leo would love this guy…
but where’s Leo?
i exchange email addresses with Uli
so i might see him again when i come back
and then i’m off exploring a bit more
steam room
but not in the mood:
i need a drink.
i got distracted chasing a tall furry bellied daddy with a thick dick
but he wasn’t interested in me
another guy who just sat in the porn room watching the smooth dolls fucking
interesting to see a black donkey dick going in that little white boy
his whole face and shoulders red
straining
ok i guess
i went to the bar for a beer
and who was sitting in the lounge?
Leo!
so i sat and talked with him
but the TV was on
and they turned it louder
the german version of “Idol”
“Superstar” or whatever it’s called
UGH
gives me the hives
i had to leave
so on i went
following that same daddy around
into the dark dark room
some guy pulls me away from him
as if to say
“stop wasting your time”
a thin guy
but i could tell he was older
he pushes me down on his dick
and it’s huge
not overly long
maybe 8″
but very very thick.
he grabbed me by the hand
and led me out of there
into another part of the maze
into a cabin
he had me suck his dick a while
but he wanted my ass
i was his
though i hadn’t even seen his face yet
he took a lot of time
patience
worked his way into me
very little spit
i was amazed
and then
he just opened me and rode me
lots of waves
i was trying to feel the whole thing out
use it for healing and focus
he was speaking in a language i couldn’t understand
he had a very deep raspy sultry voice
all i could make out was he was asking for poppers
breaking my concentration
where am i? why am i doing this?
we stop
he’s soft
did he cum?
i don’t think so.
we cuddle a bit
does he have alcohol on his breath?
he gets up to walk out
i follow him
he’s staggering
bumping into walls
oh.
oops.
he’s falling around
keeps asking me if i have poppers
oh…
he takes my hand
to follow him
where are we going?
we’re walking through the halls
he’s…
asking people for poppers
this is a major turn off for me
but at one of his stops
i look through a curtain into a cabin
and see a big guy on top of a little guy
fucking him
is that Leo?
that big butt and back
that could be leo
and look at those feet..
big ogre feet..
that could be Leo..
but the guy pulls me away
pulling me along
why am i going with him?
at this point i’m just kinda annoyed
i see his face in better light
he’s got very sloped shoulders
trim muscular body
probably in is mid 40s
turkish?
big crooked nose
he’s drunk… or something
he takes me back into the maze
no poppers
back into a cabin
wants to fuck me again
i suck his dick a while
wants to fuck me again
and i let him
reticently
i hear Jonathan’s voice
“if you don’t want it, don’t let anyone in there!”
and there are hands grabbing from all sides
i pull him out
and i run
run through the halls
run back to that cabin with the curtain…
look in
is that Leo?
it’s not
it’s a big fat german guy fucking a little guy on his back
he pulls the curtain closed to shut me out
then yanks it back
and smiles at me
we look at eachother while he’s fucking the boy
he beckons me in
i walk in and pull the curtain closed
he puts his arm around me
rubs my butt
rubs my belly
strokes my cock and balls
fucking the boy
fucking him
touching me
pulling me to him
fucking the boy
this is strange
this has never happened before to me
but ok
then the turk appears
he’s behind me
he’s asking this guy for poppers
i push him out of the cabin
he’s gone a minute
he comes back
i tell him no no no no
eventually
he goes
and i lay down on the bed underneath the fat man
as he fucks the boy
put his balls in my mouth
he likes this for a while
then pulls me out
puts his arm around me again
holds me
while he makes the boy cum
then it’s only minutes
before he’s changing condoms and fucking me
but i think the lemon water is coming out of my ass at this point
he flips me on my back
and fucks me for a while
my ass is so sore
and he stops pretty quickly.
smiles at me
we all rest a bit
then i leave him
go spent 20 minutes in the WC letting my intestines purge and relax
then go to the sauna and corpse
and stretch
sweat
take a cold rinse
and there’s the fat boy again
he goes into the steam room
i follow him
he turns and sees me
smiles
takes me in a cranny
and we’re at it
playing
holding jacking
sucking
rubbing against eachother
holding eachother
we both cum
and shower
and sit and talk
exchange email addresses
for next time
then i go back into the sauna
and sweat
and stretch
and do my best
to pull myself back together
what the fuck time is it?
i check out
go up to the room
it’s 2 am.
but i have time
to take my electrolytes
to take my homeopathics
to take my oregano oil
to take my psyllium husk
to empty my bowels again
to drink a lot of water
cool cool water
my body is cold
i’m losing at solitaire
i start to shiver
i get in bed
and Leo pulls me to him
so warm
we cuddle
we sleep like that
warmth

it’s not about looking for them in the papers
to see what’s become of their lives
i don’t suspect to see them on the internet or TV
that could be a symptom
but it wouldn’t be what i’m looking for
i want to peel back the veil
pull back the curtain
stick my head through
and see what they’ve become
are they grand wizards in the world behind the world?
shaky bodies here in this world
shaky.
following music
artists
movies
like Eli, the Human
is that a waste of time
what do Nayland’s eyes see?
what do Robert’s eyes see?
when i sit back and feel my body surge into the fullness of reality
could i reach out my hand and pull back the curtain?
how can i get there?
i’m here
where am i?
in those ghostly LSD days
did those faces of “trevis” and “sheridan” continue on?
have they left those bodies?
i saw a boy in the sauna last night
he said
“you’re familiar… we’ve met before”
i thought for a minute
and saw he was the same guy as Michael i met in Switzerland.. where was that? Zurich or Bern?
he was the same
beautiful heart
strong energetic body
some connection to me
but how?
i don’t want to spend time with him
who am i?
i?
i know that there are many layers to realities
and to think that my brother and syster are living on
excelling in the world i’ve forgotten
or lost touch with
while i am meandering around in this virtual physical world that i know is transient
and more affected by that other world than even this one
backstage
that painted curtain in the church…
perhaps i am living in both
— i would like that
but to be more adept
to be more adept…

so we woke at 8 or something
something stupid
today we were gonna get out there and see some things
the St Vitus cathedral, pay the admission and see the tower and the crypt and the apse or whatever
see the palace
maybe st. agnes…
st. george..
but
rushed
i shoved food in my mouth
all the ham
Leo only ate cheese and bread
Friday of Lent, you know
oh…
i just felt
ill
and i didn’t really want to leave the room
didn’t really want to do anything
so we’re walking through the city
and it’s beautiful
but there’s about twice as many tourists today
or
they’re bothering me more
— i’m irritable.
walking over the Charles Bridge
Leo says “i don’t want you to feel like you have to come along, if you’d rather stay in the room and write and go to the sauna, you can do that”
i thought about it
he wanted to visit the Infant of Prague again
to thank it for the miracle of the Czech boy he’d got last night
ugh
and to get more gifts for his friends back home..
holy cards…
we got into the church
and it was nice and quiet
i sat next to the statue
while Leo kneeled and prayed
in moments
the church filled up with italian tourists
all chattering
and taking pictures
with flashes
(though a sign outside implicitly forbid photos)
irritated
i went off to walk around elsewhere
a brother talking to some tourists in spanish
i got some holy cards
came back into the main church
and took some pictures
walking around
waiting for Leo to be done
he was
and we said goodbye…
the main reason i wanted to go back up to the cathedral was to climb the tower and see the “best view of the city”
but it was snowing
the day was hazy
and i felt lazy:
i headed back…
but didn’t go over the bridge right away
i walked along the quay
watching the river
taking some pictures
the old bridge
the buildings
pretty amazing..
then back up the bridge
and over
and through the streets
capturing some more faces
a perfect gnome
to the hotel
where i sat
and wrote a bit
but not journaling
just writing about wonderings and imaginings
then decided to go through all the prague pictures and edit all the figures i captured
the statues
the men
yes
then
at about 14:45
i headed out to the sauna
wondering what married men i might find
well
yes
right away
a hot daddy type
but of course
he wasn’t interested in me
i sat in the sauna
and a boring ned-flanders kinda guy sat next to me
raising his eye brows in that suggestive way completely lacking subtlety
grabbed my dick
well
ok
i went down stairs with him
another guy i couldn’t do much too
too excited
but didn’t want to cum
ugh
just about ready to leave him
he decided to give up the seeds
ah… alright
i held mine in
back up stairs
i sat in the jacuzzi a bit
then the steam room
a big hairy czech man took me in his arms
lay me down on the tile benches
and cuddled, fondled, touched me all over
lots of hugging, connecting
but no orgasm
lots of playing
but he didn’t want to go down stairs with me
ok
i saunaed a while
i went downstairs
watched that hot daddy who didn’t like me
watched him jacking off in the porn room
some italian came in
and … asked me … to follow him
in the cabin
he was on me 1000mph
so fucking hungry
i just lay back and let him batter him self against me
no not really
but there was little space for me to do anything
— it was obvious he wanted to fuck me
but had no patience
moving too fast
just pushing his cock against my ass, never near getting inside
i came
he came
s’ok
in the stillness afterwards
no eye contact
alright
more sauna
just sweat it out
i don’t really need to be here
simple enough
some yoga
a shower
sitting in the jacuzzi room
talking to Mirek
that nice old tall big furry czech
still wouldn’t go downstairs with me
but friendly
sweet man
nice conversation
i see some stocky pit-bull looking guy go into the steam room
but i’m done
i’m not following him
i imagine what he’s doing in there
many people go in and out
but i don’t see him leave
after a while
i’m curious
so i go in
someone grabs me and pulls me to the back
not into sex
but he holds me
rests his head against my belly
lays me down
cradles me
calls me “little boy”
what is this?
he takes me by the hand
and takes me down stairs
a nice czech daddy
down stairs
he chooses a cabin with no lock
oops
so moves to one with a lock
and we start playing
it’s a fun interaction
he’s leading me to do things to please him
then doing things to please me
back and forth
hot
fun
playful
connecting
but then
someone’s pushing at the door
and he let’s them in
— suggests i suck their dick
so we’re three waying
in many ways
then that guy leaves
and another comes in
and the daddy is close to cuming
but doesn’t want to
that other guy leaves
and the daddy tells me to stop
takes me by the hand
out of there
we walk around a bit
takes me into another cabin
we play again til he’s close
stops
this happens twice
ok
he needs a break
so he goes up to get a drink
and though he’s hot
really
i’ve had enough
what am i doing here?
i have other things to do.
i go and sauna
yes
thank you
shake it out
shower
cold
chill
rest a moment
yes
dress
leave
17:30
back to the hotel
i remember there are things i wanted to do
i go out to find a farmacy
not hard to find
i ask them for Psyllium husk
we have to do some miming and re-prounciations
but he has it
cheap
i walk across the street to the Tesco
— i’ve never been in a Tesco… i’ve only ever seen them in the CD booklets of Throbbing Gristle.
it’s a fucking madhouse
i walk around and check out the czech food
but i just want water for the trip tomorrow
and a lemon:
tomorrow i’m fasting.
still
i have to wait in line 20 minutes to buy them
but
no problem
back at the hotel around 6
Leo is there
we talk
tell eachother our day
then go out to find something to eat
it’s kinda frustrating
to walk by places
yes/no
ok?
eventually
i let Leo choose a place
we’re both starving
this place has a good menu…
isn’t too expensive
but the decor is terrible
“it’s an old person restaurant”
Leo says
“nice, no smoke and it’s not loud”
no
but it’s playing terrible terrible back ground music
what the fuck is that?
lite rock?
smooth jazz?
i’m choking on it
and there is a loud New York Jewish lady bitching at her husband across the room
i want to vomit
(yeah)
Leo asks me why i can’t ignore things
i don’t know
but i never have been able to
.. i think that’s part of my super ability
i can’t sit and listen to shitty background music
… i explain to him Thom Yorke’s theory on how most music is just Fridge Buzz
and Leo says “yeah, you just ignore it… that’s why they call it ‘background music’ ”
but i’ve never been able to ignore Fridge Buzz
many places i’ve stayed on my own
i unplug the mother fucker so i can sleep.
[wow, my mac didn’t have “fucker” in its dictionary… i told it to Learn the Spelling]
the lyric from “Planet Xerox” echoes through my head
“why can’t you forget it?”
still
the food is good
i eat some Wild Boar with Rose Hip sauce
nice
but am jumpy to get the fuck out of that terrible death-trap of a restaurant as quick as possible.
we stop by the hotel so i can pick up my computer
and head to the internet cafe down the street
we rent one of their computers to print our ticket for the Ferry
and Leo does his email
i sit at mine
trying to make all my contacts
post journal entries…
figure out train times for tomorrow..
the place closes at 22:00
so i don’t have much time
i walk up stairs
and Leo’s just finished his apple strudel
still drinking his wine..
we got locked into the courtyard area the cafe was in..
hmm
but eventually find our way out
back to the hotel
we pack
while i put on some music on my computer
we’re both thankful for some good music in the room
while we pack pack
and our neighbors come in
a bunch of loud kids staying next door
oh no!
but they’re just there a moment
it’s St Patrick’s day
they’re going back out for festivities…
we’re packed
and get to sleep shortly after midnight.

so i walked out of the internet cafe
which was right around the corner from the sauna
and went in
shortly before 22:00
i got there
looked around a bit
but pretty much went directly into the steam room
then went down stairs
no one really interesting in the cabins
but i saw a horny old guy in the porn room that looked kinda nice
still
i walked away
looking, too early here to pursue anything…
but that old guy walked past me
… we looked at eachother
smiled
touched
hugged
went to a cabin
and it all started pretty quick
he wanted to fuck me
nice dick
not huge
but quite thick at the base
he tried and tried
but couldn’t stay hard enough
so he pushed me down on my back and went to sit on my dick
.. probably because of all my fears about this and the fact that i haven’t fucked any body raw for months
i freaked out and pushed him off me
cuming pretty instantly
thankfully
not inside him
then he stood up and had me suck him almost until he came
then he jacked himself, but he didn’t really shoot
just filled his foreskin with cum
we hugged
went up stairs
showered
and sat in the jacuzzi
something nice about cuming right away
we cuddled in the water
and another older guy i had seen when i first arrived and was showering
sat down right next to me
and we started cuddling
and a big older chubby furry guy i’d see in the steam room
he was also in the tub
and grabbed my foot
and started massaging it
the old guy i had played with already
he was sweet
but endlessly horny
kept jacking me and trying to stick his fingers up my ass
which i don’t really like anyway
but he had sharp nails
it was annoying
i kept having to grab his hand and pull it away
but over all
it was great
to sit on his lap
lay back against the british guy
caressing eachother
all over
not just genitals
then getting my foot massaged..
eventually
this skinny tattooed 40-something german guy got in
who was really horny for me
kept pushing his foot against my balls
had a bottle of poppers in his hand
kept trying to get me to get out of the tub with him
now i had three guys on me!
i didn’t want to get up
i tried to explain to him that i’d just cum and was chilling out
but he wouldn’t stop
he got closer
with his poppers
grabbing at my dick
fortunately
the old guy i’d played with stepped in
and started fingering his ass in the same unpleasant way
until he left
i probably spent about 45 minutes like that
just luxuriating in sensual relaxation.
then i got out
showered
and went into the sauna
sauna’d for a long time
getting really into yoga
really into sivasana
when i left there
took a long shocking cold shower
then went to sit in the jacuzzi room in the chairs there
just to cool off, come to balance
ready to go..
as i sat there
i came into an almost hallucinatory state
everything flowing
i suddenly came back into a full recall of an acid trip i had when i was 18 with T&S at my parent’s house..
after being awake all night
i walked outside bare chested
and looked at the sky of sunrise
and for the first time
saw the sky as the atmosphere
saw the clouds as part of the system, the skin
and FELT my whole body fully as part of that same system
feeling the weight of my body
the breath
feeling the muscle on me, the fat
how i could have a perfect balance of fat and muscle
enough to keep me a certain warmth, and have a certain amount of excess energy
but just the right amount
feeling the potentiality of everything coming into the perfect balance of the flow of the entirety of the system of the world we live in
i saw a circle that was my being
a complete circle with one opening
the circle being made of all my story, beliefs, thoughts, questions, answers
the gap:
the God-Shaped-Hole
any question
asked enough
leads to a Question Mark
a place where no answer can be uttered
some people fill it with money and drugs and self-satisfaction
some hedonism
others
different spiritualities
i later realized that gap as the key to mortality… and immortality
if either end of the circle were connected to a belief in the infinite
life would flow in and out of that: endlessly
and the system that we have identified as “AIDS” and that nature that is destroying our reality ( like “the nothing” in “the never-ending story” )
was a sealing of that gap with the idea of individuality, Self…
(HA!)
coming into this state of being
i brought it into my present
fully
i was aware of… everything.
i got up to walk around the sauna
amazed at how different my body felt
how heavy my feet were falling on the floor
just seeing everything
smelling things
the dramatic increase in awareness of the different levels of reality..
and this boy had been cruising me the whole time i’d been there
and i’m not really into boys
he was kinda hot
beefy
just not really my thing: shaved face and body
a little too normal
but there i was
showering one last time before leaving
and he starts talking to me in the shower
then places his hand over my heart
and starts moving with my energy
i was amazed!
right here in the showers
just being open to reality calls more beauty…
he told me how he’d lived many places
the company he works for is based in Spain
been in seattle, new york (state)
he appologized
said his energy wasn’t pure
as his uncle had died that day and he’d been drinking
… but no one’s energy is Pure…
he smiled and hugged me
interesting
interesting
we went into the sauna together
sat and talked
he smiled at me and said
“you are familiar: we know eachother”
and i quickly wracked my brains to see if i’d met this kid before..
no no, not him
but a boy
yes
him
in another person
that kid Michael in Switzerland years ago
same thing
‘ yes,’ i said, ‘ but not in this body ‘
he laughed
we kissed
it was all very sweet
staring into eachother’s eyes
he said “let’s go down stairs”
and we went to a cabin
but the sex very quickly got gross
me on my knees sucking his dick
him saying ” yeah bitch, suck my dick. suck my dick Bitch ”
i hate that shit
then he’s turned me around and wants to fuck me
starts
then stops
asks if i’ve got a condom
leaves
goes to find one
goes
goes
leaves the door open
people looking in
me
in the midst of confused horniness
this doesn’t feel good
but now i’m horned up
and now what?
where is he?
what am i doing?
i start to come back to consciousness
and i get up and wrap my towel around myself, walk out the door
… he’s looking in another cabin
and i go to walk past him
he grabs me, pulls me back
takes me back into the cabin
puts me on my knees
and it’s that “suck it bitch” thing again
then he’s putting the condom on
with his cock against my ass
and pushing too hard too fast like the young do
i tell him i can’t do this right now
he says “yes yes” but tries to convince me
and keeps pushing
so i get up to leave
he takes off the condom
“sorry sorry”
and it’s sucking
and “bitch again”
he pushes me on my back
lifts up my legs
and says
“i’m going to fuck you”
and goes to shove it in
no condom now
i throw him off
and kiss his cheek:
‘ good bye ‘
i go up
shower
sauna
rest
stretch
release
shower
rest
and Leave.
oh well.
i still carry my presence with me as i walk the streets back to the hotel
where Leo is mostly asleep
with the lights still on
drinking wine
telling me he’s been “trying” to wait up for me
which means he’s been sleeping un fit..
he tells me about the boy he’s spent the last few hours with
as this was our deal
i went off to see the movie
and he used the room to play with a czech boy
who was just the most beautiful and most wonderful
and mostest bestest
happiest
and boring
what the fuck do i care about someone who’s a banker
with a normal hairy cut and a perfect muscular smooth body
and a LTR with the first guy he ever had sex with?
boring
and i’m angry because he’s enjoying rubbing it in to incite jealousy from me
which is a game we play
but sometimes i’m not in the mood
he says the boy told him about Tantric massage
and how i should give Leo one..
it just falls out of my mouth
i say
‘ that’s entirely a situation of Pearls before Swine…
you’re a pig
you’re into pig sex
and the intricacies of Trantric energy doesn’t interest you
i’ve tried to teach you yoga in the years i’ve known you and i know that’s just not your thing..
it’s like what people say about teaching a pig to sing
: it wastes yr time and annoys the pig ‘
Leo’s quiet a bit
but then tries to convince me he’d like to learn
i’m annoyed
and feel nihilistic
like things never move and change
like i know the answer to this already
and it’s not going anywhere
eventually
i convince him to stop talking
he’s tired
he snores
i lay there a while
… til i fall asleep.

because we were out late last night
it was even harder to wake up this morning
that being said
i had to be awake
something pulled
earlier than lately
at 9
i drank water
went to the WC
drank more water
and came back…
to write.
we ate some breakfast
today being the first day we were called on our shit for not delivering the breakfast tray to the hall table by 11, which is the hotel’s request
fine
i made a sandwich for later
of all the meat
cheese
butter
and the two slices of thick dark bread.
around noon
a guy i had talked with from the internet in NY came by
as fate would have it
he is teaching and studying here
a professor of ancient languages
had a lot of interesting things to say
though i would swear his name should have been Chris
Leo and i were groggy
having not really eaten breakfast
and being slightly hung over
tired
what is this that makes us so tired?
we went for lunch at a typical czech place
had standard beer
goulash with dumplings:
today is the first day i’ve seen bacon dumplings
everything seemed sticky
i put my glasses on so i could look at the czech men
Leo commented a few days ago on how much style people have here
and it’s true
like the turn of the last century in London or something
that grey mustache that cuts into the sideburns
wow
these people…
the conversation quickly turned to how shitty the world is
you know
the politics
the money
the pollution on the planet
the apathy
all that shit we’re sick of hearing
sick of saying
_ made a joke as he left the table ” i’m off to take my prozac ”
we walked around the Jewish Quarter
Leo complaining he didn’t want to walk today
so everything was even more slow
places kafka lived
and yes
though he was czech
he wrote in german
which made sense of my confusion
i’ve realized over the last few days how much my litery tastes were formed by eastern europeans
but i forgot Kafka was Czech… coz i remember him having written in german
he had is reasons
i was told
everything was at an odd angle today
we walked around
and i became fascinated by textures
falling out of attention with both Leo and _
taking pictures of rotting walls
crumbling buildings
and beautiful decorations
i thought of Arthur
and how much he would like all this art deco… and art neuvo
it’s all that chintz, but with so much more class and life
like everything translated into simple consumer items in the US
these idols who gave birth to tsotchies
(i don’t think i spelled it right even now… but i’m at an internet cafe and don’t have my resources)
eventually
we headed back to the old town square
just in time for me to buy some flourite beads
then see the astronomical clock go off at 4
… nothing too impressive
but the crowds…
aside from being paranoid of pick pockets
some girls asked if they could pose with me for a picture
i let them.
we said goodbye to _
and i took my lap top to a local internet cafe (this one, actually)
because they have WiFi
i posted a few things i wrote of the last two days in Berlin
but i haven’t yet wrote the days of prague
but for this one…
because after that
i rushed to find a movie theater
… a few days ago i found a flyer for films in March
and
luckily enough
a film by Jan Švankmajer called
Šílení
(Lunacy)
was playing
with english subtitles
i saw many of Švankmajer shorts and a few features when i was younger
but it’s been years..
an old friend coming back with Mercury
i was transfixed…
like the brothers Quay’s “Institute Benjamantana”
it was a horror film of self consciousness
lost in confusions
people with strong beliefs battering the protagonist
who is mostly just being washed around by the waves of his hopelessness
what was the story saying?
something about the extremes of all our living
… i can’t say i fully understood
i was made to feel uncomfortable (by the De Sade scenes as much as the Animated Meat.. .and the Sanitorium scenes)
which is odd for me
as i usually feel complete comprehension from even the strangest of movies
but this one
i didn’t know exactly what he was saying
something about the body
how we get packaged and controlled
beaten down and destroyed
losing ourselves
and being turned into pieces of animated meat?
something like that
and my own urges were pulling me to the bath house
many points in the movie i wanted to masturbate
and even now
i don’t feel horny
i wanted to come and write a bit
but my body is pulling me
whatever bodies do that for
whatever bodies do…

i woke up tired
layed around in bed
once again
my body felt sore
stiff
i undulated my spine
twisted
stretched
meditated a bit
then had breakfast with Leo
i noticed my sinuses were starting to hurt
and i sneezed a few times
so i took the homeopathic Kali Bich again
and went into the toilet and washed my sinuses out with my urine
Leo was out of Cash
so we went off to get some Money changed
the place right next to our hotel gave me
2347Kcs for $100
Leo had traveler’s checks
so we had to look for a bank.
we decided to go on a walking tour today.
in english.
we walked down to Wenceslaw Square
the main commercial/tourist area
we’d not been there yet
but that’s where we were to meet the tour guide
on the way
we found a bank
and i saw a liquor store that had many different bottles of Absinth in the window
some of them the right color…
but i didn’t want to carry any of it around the city all day
we went from there to an internet cafe
cheapest we’d found so far
1Kc per minute
so he answered his messages
and i answered mine
and did my best to cull some interesting profiles from Prague
sent out a few messages
maybe i could get someone to go to the movie with me tomorrow?
Leo got a message from a guy who had been wanting to meet me back in NY
and had seen Leo’s link in my profile
so messaged him as well
ok ok
we wrote down his number so we could call him
but he gave us both different numbers
so i just messaged him back
maybe we could meet up tomorrow?
we walked to the square…
we were supposed to meet the guide at the Statue of Wenceslaws on his horse..
there he was, with the yellow umbrella
a cute blond czech boy
Leo had a big smile on his face
but when we paid him for the tour
(the equivalent of ~€18 each)
he told us our tour guide would be here soon, a girl named Simona
oh.
so we looked around the square
enjoying all the tourists taking pictures of the statue
as the crowd of our group gathered..
this was just a random day
well, the ides of march, yeah
but
a wednesday
in the winter..
yet
we had over 20 people for the tour!
she told us a lot of history
had a great sense of humor
and aligned pretty well with my political beliefs.
i’ll spare the details of the tour
if you want to know all about it
go to prague and do it yourself
but it was pretty good
however
we’d basically done the second half of it already
still
it was nice to get more info from our guide
up at the Palace, where the tour ended
the day was much hazier than when we’d been there the day before
which made me sad the view wasn’t as nice
but glad i’d taken pictures when it was
Leo and i walked back down into the city
to meet my friend Jerry at Old Town Square.
Jerry was a guy i met working at the Bath House in Portland
back in ’99
we’d kept in touch all those years
meeting up when he moved back to San Francisco
he’s a sweet guy
a Legal Assistant
which says a bit about his personality
i was a bit saddened to see that he was clean shaven now
because of the firm he’s working for here in Prague
still
it was great to see him
he took us to the Tyn cathedral: the guy who watches over it hates tourists
so mostly keeps the church locked up but for special occasions
and Jerry had heard the organ playing when he walked by
so he knew it would be open
we got to walk around maybe 10 minutes
then he took us to an Irish bar
at that point
i exited
while they waited for the Guinness
i ran around looking for an international calling place
put on my glasses so i could see farther
and found one not too far away
tried to call Arthur for his birthday..
called and called
but he wasn’t there
and the number was reaching a different voicemail than he used to have
i was worried he’d changed his number again
and sad i missed talking with him
so i went back to the Irish bar
and sat down to drink my beer..
i hadn’t had a Guinness since they changed the recipe..
it’s much lighter
unfortunately
i like the rich thick dark beers…
so i went through it pretty quick
and U2’s “Joshua Tree” was playing
of course!
we left there
and Jerry took us to a back-alley Czech place
pretty cheap
pretty good food
i ordered a different aperitif
but this time it was just a czech version of “grappe”
which isn’t my favourite
however
pork with mushrooms and onions and ginger was pretty damn good.
Beer was good.
good good good.
we took Jerry back to our hotel
to see if he would recommend it to friends
he was impressed with our find
(he had been trying to find us a good place to stay weeks ago)
from there
he took us to that gay bar, Friends, that we couldn’t find a few nights ago
: it had moved
it was a generic gay bar
boring.
i had a dark beer that was too sweet
s’ok
off we went
down past the Tesco to Narodni Trida
to take the tram out to Zisko, the area he lives in; the gay area
he took us to a place called Alcatraz
a cellar sex-bar
we sat and had a beer upstairs
taking pictures of pigs
and
conversation:
Jerry had to be at work early in the morning
working boy!
the bar was a late night bar
he left us shortly after 11
and we went down stairs…
it was an interesting space
huge vaulted catacombs
which was really the most interesting aspect of the night
though there were posters on the wall about all the kinks
and video porn of fisting and many other sports
… no one was having sex.
well
near no one
we were there til about 2
each of us only played once
and it was with the same person.
i spent most of my time sitting in the dark in one of the dark room
but the one with a dim red light on
i sat on the bench
let my eyes adjust
and watched the people coming in and out
drinking my beer
feeling the swell of my tiredness
wondering
again
what i was doing here
the guy i played with
he was hot
kinda
muscle/beefy boy
but thick enough to be interesting
only wanted to masturbate and pull on nipples
but that’s cool
it was fun
more for him than for me
i like experiencing other people than my usuals sometimes
but when it was over
i went to find Leo
and we got out of there
in good time to catch the night tram back to Narodni Trida
which was just a few minutes from our Hotel
when we got off the tram
i was starving
and there was a Gyros stand open right there
so i ran in to get one
yeah
it will still cheap
but more expensive than out in Kreuzberg
about 50Kcs
i ended up buying one for a homeless guy too
poor old drunk confuses guy
… it wasn’t much..
and it was chicken
when i really love lamb
still
i devoured it as we walked back to the hotel
gone quickly
still
good
but totally exhausted
we got back to the room
and
once again
we crashed hard.

our room has a radiator in it
a little knob on the side
i turned it on
just slightly, i thought
but i woke about 5 am
sweating, feeling strangled by the sheet/duvet
too much heat
i reached up and turned the radiator off
and lay back down in my dream
i had been dreaming that i was a married man
and had another really good man friend
we would get together sometimes
and drink
and talk
and have sex
i rarely had sex with anyone besides my wife and him
but he was out all the time
picking up guys at road-side rest stops and parks
i remember
in the dream
being really concerned for him
trying to explain to him how these men had no scruples
had no integrity when it came to protecting themselves, their families, and the guys they had sex with
that he was putting himself, his family and me at danger by having sex with them
but he didn’t want to hear it
my life went on with a quiet un-easyness that i couldn’t do anything about
because he was my friend…
somewhere in this vague stressful life my dream was giving me
i woke
layed in that feeling
unquiet
i was very thirsty
i went to the toilet
sat down
and emptied myself
drank many glasses of water
thought.
came back to bed
got out the computer
and wrote a letter to Eli.
i went to sleep around 6:30 or so
and woke again around 10 something
this time
from a dream of my sister and mother coming to visit me where i was living with my Friend in Germany
i had to explain everything to them in a pedantic way
it was really tiring
my Friend disappeared
in fact
everyone in Germany seemed to disappear
to the extent that i had to make all the food for them
i had to get the tickets for the train
i had to, somehow, figure out how to drive the train and make it go where we wanted to go
my mother and sister were continually confused and asking me to do more and more things
i woke up tired.

we rode the train all day
well
not too early
but it was a 6 hour ride
from Amsterdam to Berlin
long flat plains
covered in snow
falling sideways
through the birch forests
i was shocked
that we were pulling into Zoo Station
the view from the platform: a bombed out church
left in a monumental state of disrepair.
we went out of Zoo Station
to the U-Bahn right next door
took the line U2 to the Wittenburgplatz
U2?
so i put on Achtung Baby the first night i had to walk around
and laughed at U2
and laughed at my childhood
and wondered what experience those guys had here in Berlin
… and why i never knew they were singing about Berlin?
somewhere in berlin with you
everything covered in snow
i laughed about you too
about you and me
about “who’s gonna ride your wild horses”
and all the other songs.
i don’t remember ever watching “Wings of Desire” with you
but i found myself on Potsdamerplatz
and marveled at how everything had changed from when that movie was filmed ( a few years before the wall fell )
art and culture
and money
and space
holes left over
waiting for the change
where commerce hadn’t found it yet
and communism or war had amputated parts of it
some small side street
lost in twenty years ago
a watch tower
where… i guess… they’d shoot you if you tried to go across. . .
still, a little tiny sad box of a café underneath it
under it’s watchful eye
filled with silent faces drinking their coffee
many miss it
that way of life
it’s all they knew
all this “freedom” is utterly confusing to them.
we took the u-bahn back to zoo station
and left out of there early sunday morning
so we could see Dresden
a Jewel of Old Germany
destroyed out of spite in the war
— attempted restorations
but a bulk of communist-era buildings
… the emptiness
something left me feeling so sad
so “depressed”
we had scheduled three hours to see the town
by one and a half
i wanted out of there
… we spent the last hour sitting at the train station waiting 
being cold (snow still falling)
reading Thomas Mann (ugh, i really don’t like his writing style, but want to read Death in Venice before i get there )
did i ever share eastern european authors with you?
the big ones like Kafka and Kundera
we didn’t really talk about them so much, did we?
the smaller ones like
Schultz, Grombrowitcz and Walsser
Prague IS a midaevil city
and Leo has never read any of that stuff
so i recount the stories i remember ( i read the bulk of that stuff at 15 through 19 )
all about feeling out of place
wondering who the fuck you are
giving yourself over to paranoia and self consciousness
and getting lost somewhere in there
or exulting it.
i sat in a bath house last night (it’s 5:30 am now, i woke from the heat of the radiator, and the dramatic dream i was having)
sauna, whirlpool
i sat in the tepid water
bubbles everywhere
having just had sex with some finnish guy
wondering
after the rush of it
why i’d done it…?
and
indeed
why i’d done any of it
remembering in my youth 
after i’d left Oscar Wilde and Morrissey and found Fags in Indiana
i believed that being a part of gay culture = AIDS = Death
so fearing and avoiding sex with queens, bath houses, bars, discos
but as i aged
lost somewhere in america
i felt i had to accept gay culture
not like you did it
where you embraced a personality of it
piercing your eyebrow, dying your hair
being a beautiful young thing
but i made myself an old man who had just left his wife and stumbled into my generation’s outlets…
(except i wasn’t an old man who had just left his wife… i had just left the midwest and all the repression entailed)
not knowing what to do
i would sit in bars and talk with the Cat Men
drinking
drunking
the going home
the hopeful love
based in nothing
eventually succumbing to bath houses
after working in one
to try and understand the culture
to try and get past my fears
.. i just made it so i couldn’t hear the screaming of my paranoia anymore
but i blotted out the voice of reasonable fear as well
but that’s how i moved, that’s how i lived
and found it ok,
somewhere in my life
to retire
and spend my days chasing tail
caught in the hungry rush
and wondering Why when the sweat had cooled
i was right about everything
or half of everything
or a quarter of everything
— just enough to seal my fate
and wondering if it could have been different if i’d chosen writing imaginary paranoias 
(though, at the breaking point, i didn’t want to create more fear and pain for the world
even at the expense of my catharsis
my fear of proliferating pain to any audience
kept me doing it in my friends and lovers)
so i sat with the bubbles around me
wondering what it was i WAS doing
and wondering what you were doing…
being gay in your way
much safer, much more nourishing than mine
and cultivating your life
even if out of stuff i can’t understand or enjoy
(LA)
doing your best to sculpt a person of  . . . famous movie making
and even if you possibly failed that
you would have a satisfying domestic life
and an acceptable job doing certain affects for TV and films
dreams to reach for
and something to fall back on
where i’m at a crucial moment
and have no idea where i want my story to go
how to make it believable
how to even keep it going…
how to pull a magic trick again
to keep it from becoming a horrorshow
but i guess i’ve got some talent for magic tricks like that
(the bunny will set you free — i saw it on my ipod a few days ago)
some sort of faith in myself i’ll be alright
thanks for being a person
i can share a story and thought with
even if i’m not being able to communicate with you
lost in Lyon
or somewhere in Europe with you

and what was it?
the travel day?
we woke so late
such a late start
so lazy
tired
sore
rolled around in bed
stretched
a very long waking up
rocking
gentle yoga
breathing
but eventually i got up
Leo had been up a while
morning prayers
dreaming up plots
we got our tray of breakfast
and began eating it around 10:30
— the tray was supposed to be put back out on the side board at 11
we didn’t get it out til half past..
breakfast?
small pre-packaged things:
nutella, jam, butter, chicken liver pate, cream, lemon juice, tea bags, nescafé, a thermos of hot water, a package of 6 pices of ham, two baby soft cheeses, two white rolls, two whole wheat rolls, two pieces of dense grey german bread.
not bad
we ate most of it
and i had one of my rolls that i bought in Dresden the day before
a small full seed roll
pumpkin, sunflower, sesame, flax seeds
whole wheat bread
Leo kept calling it Parrot food
and it kept making me think of Kelly Schmooney
which made me think of Arthur
and i missed Kelly Schmooney
his squawking
but really
i missed Arthur
though our relationship wasn’t the most full or fabulous
i felt he was very humble in what he was
which is so rare for a Pisces..
i missed just spending time with him
the gentle sexual intensity
the cuddling
and Leo said it over and over..
tomorrow is Arthur’s birthday
i am hoping to talk with him then…
for whatever good that will do
i don’t know if i believe in long distance love right now
but i always want to reach out and touch those i love
so far away…
well..
we ate our food
and really
we’re here..
so out into the city to see Prague
i was amazed at how strange it seemed last night
it seemed to make sense to me now..
i looked at the map
and off we walked
following our eyes
even though i thought we were going to the main square
we didn’t make it there..
walked in some church…
beautiful
… unlike all the other baroque churches i’ve seen
this didn’t seem gaudy
didn’t seem flagrant
sure
shining
but some sort of balance with the darkness
some humility
something…
we walked through the tight alleys
the amazing beautiful decorations to look at in every direction
streets filled with tourists
the snowing…
came to an intersection where four men were holding up the walls of a building
naked men
old
stone
with lion’s paws across their genitals
cept for one
who had the lion’s face
what?
across from them
was Club 23
of course.
we wandered
and found ourselves at the Charles bridge
the two churches around here we couldn’t get into
just into the initial doors
to look in
and see the beauty
but no one there to manage them..
— the most atheist country in europe…
we walked through the snow
across the bridge
looking at the statues
— i was feeling oppressed by all the saints, all the dying god imagery
but Leo wanted to see the Infant of Prague
and it was this way
… we found out from an info booth
somewhere across the river
the Infant…
We found him with little trouble
as we got closer
all the jewelry shops were selling statues
the bakeries selling wafers
the craft shop selling carvings and dresses
whatever
camp!
we found the little church
and went in
high rococo altar for the little guy
totally gaudy
ummmm
i sat and watched him a bit
the church felt good..
we walked around
in the tourist shop was a couple Italians
a really skinny one
ill looking
and a fat one
sloppy looking
… they looked like a couple
they looked scared of me
darting side glances
i walked out of there through a back room
round to the sacristy
and there they were again…
Leo met up with me there
and we walked down the mission hallway
Leo pointing out
“K+M+B 2005”
written on all the doors
what was that?
the initials of the three wisemen who visit on christmas eve every year…
really?
we didn’t do that where i grew up..
oh beautiful for spacious culture…
we headed out of there
to a bakery across the street
tempted by what looked like Marzipan filled logs of goodness
but it wasn’t really
we hat Tea
Leo sat us down at a table
i was oblivious
he pointed out an incredibly cute 40-something Czech bear businessman talking to his associates right in my view
i watched his face
his expressions
he seemed a little bashful under my eye
people don’t like being studied like that
but the whole world should be caressing and patting and petting and saying hello, i love you
all the time
so
whatever
tea, pastry, beautiful men
s’ok
the waitresses here
funny
not polite american girls
they acted like they had better things to do
throwing the pastry down as they rushed by
well, ok
i guess that’s why they get 2kcs tips..
we left there
and wandered through the streets
looking to get into that big church there
St Nicholas, yeah
but i went round the wrong way
to the front of the square where the trams are
… a group of four people stood with signs..
in Czech…
declaring that they didn’t want fags in the Czech Rep. i guess
it took me a while to figure it out, seeing that i don’t understand slavic languages at all
but as it made sense to me
i asked Leo if he would kiss me
he just walked on
the church was pretty amazing
once again
not entirely as gaudy as the restored baroque churches
some things so beautiful..
i was fixated by the saint’s faces
seeming so kind, St Basil
looking down like that
i stared
took pictures
there was an exhibit to let us up into the upper galleries
the distortions of the painting ceilings
beautiful
again
the stories?
the shiny faux marble…
we walked from there up up up
to the palace, St Vitus Cathedral
beautiful men to see on the way up
beautiful views
as we ascended the city
the river
the bridges
.. what a beautiful city!
the palace?
the one i wanted to see was closed to the public, the Swartzpalace
it was being restored
the current palace wasn’t that attractive to me
but St Vitus was amazing
gothic filigree
flying buttresses everywhere
the entrance was closed
so we went in through the exit..
the windows were amazing
strange
intense detail..
and one done by the artist “Mucha”
all painted glass
beautiful church
but they were closing
we were being rushed through
outside
i saw a very cute guy
big body, brown jacket, cane
hat pulled down onto his glasses
big big white beard puffing out everywhere..
with his wife..
i snagged a few pictures of him
and Leo and i headed off through the old streets up there
past the Barbie exhibit
(what?)
down a long descending staircase back to the tram street
we walked across a newer bridge back into our part of the city
finding it pretty easily with our little map
we happened to get a hotel right next to a Sauna, “Babalonia”
so we headed there, via getting a quick bite to eat near there
i got a turkey sandwich
Leo go a Tuna Salad
and while we waited
i looked through pamphlets laying next to our table about local events
mostly theater performances
but one was for a cinema
… glancing through
curious to see what American movies made it here
i noticed a Czech movie
and then noticed it was by Jan Svenkmajer..
who i loved when i was 19 or so..
but hadn’t seen anything by him since then
… so i took the pamphlet with me just in case…
the Sauna was right around the corner from our hotel
about €11 to get in
nice lay out
some hot guys
though not a lot happening
we enjoyed the jacuzzi and steam bath
… i walked down stairs
and the guys i found hot
were just not into me
eventually
i met up with a guy who looked pretty bland
but ended up being pretty sweet
the sex wasn’t so great
because anything i did to him made him close to cuming
and he didn’t want to cum so quick
so we kept having to back off and just talk
he was Finish
and from a part of Finland that spoke Swedish
hmmm
he was stocky, nice little belly
clean shaven
“normal” hair
but his dick was nice and thick when he got hard
and i had a good connection with him
good energy..
it was the night of the full moon after all
he was playing with my butt
and i could tell what he wanted
so while he was laying on his back
i sat down with the head of his dick against my butt
and just pulsed
feeling him
into him
into me
though no penetration was happening
just pushing and feeling
still
even that was driving him wild
and i’d have to stop after a while
but i’d never done this before
and found it really interesting
to just sit there with that connection and not go further
eventually
i became tired of not being able to have sex with him
so decided to go back upstairs.
hung out in the jacuzzi
played in the steam room a bit
and stretched in the sauna
when i went back down stairs again.. probably an hour after the first time
i found the same guy again
and this time it was much more direct
with him standing instead of sitting
he seemed much more in control
i was able to suck his dick for a long time
it was fun, and a build up to a good connection
then he turned me around and ate my ass for a while
then just sat down on the mattress
and pulled me down
pushed into me
and pulsed for a while
then started thrusting
then started pumping
then grabbed me and opened me up
i was pretty amazed
i’d never had this feeling before
i liked this position
and came
trying to hold it in
but spilling a bit…
we stayed like that a bit
then hugged, kissed
and said goodbye
i went up stairs and showered
went into the sauna
and started doing yoga
situating myself, pulling myself back together
getting into my body
then went to sit in the jacuzzi
in there a guy sat down across from me i thought was the Finish guy
he brushed my foot and pulled away as if i minded
i tried to let him know it was alright to just touch
eventually we locked toes
which i’d also never done before
and it felt really good
Leo came and sat next to me
we cuddled and talked a bit
deciding to go get a drink
when we got out
the guy i had been footing with in the tub came into the shower
and i realized it wasn’t the guy i thought it was!
theme and variation
Leo ducked into the suana
so i went down stairs with this guy
who proceeded to give me a massage!
which was a little painful
but still felt great
we talked
he was czech
told me he’d been a massure for 10 years
but went back to school and studied a long time to become the economical manager of a restaurant!
hmmmm
ok.
so i gave him a bit of a massage
and he was all pushing his ass up in the air wanting me to fuck him
which i wasn’t going to do
but i did cum again just rubbing on his ass
then sucked him off
still
he wouldn’t let me leave
holding me down
i came again rubbing against his belly
still
he wouldn’t let me leave
and now i was worried about Leo looking for me
so i made to leave
but he was hugging me and pulling me
and blocking the door!
it went on and on
until i forced my way past him
then
of course
he wouldn’t talk to me again..
i found Leo on the steam room
playing with a guy who tried to play with me earlier
but he was way too kissy for me
i love kissing
but not just randomly
i feel there has to be introduction before kissing
not verbal
just body, energy
he just, sloppy and wet, dove right in
ugh
but he was sexy to touch
i played with him while leo and he were playing
then they went off to find a cabin
and i played with a few of the guys surrounding us in the steam room
but then felt
i should go play with Leo and his friend
so went looking for them
and found them
but they couldn’t hear me knocking
so i stood outside their cabin listening to them building
and gasping
and cuming
and fading back into eachother
that was enough
Leo and i had a drink
then went back to the sauna to sweat and stretch a bit more
cold rinse
then dress
and go
i was really fucking tired
felt kinda ill
wanted to just go home and sleep..
but when i hit the night air
i felt better
more hungry
so i agreed to go get dinner with Leo
it was about 21:45
we found a beer hall kinda thing not far from the hotel
filled with czech people
beautiful
interesting
crazy looking guys
chubby guys
corduroy
frizzy hair with bald front
artists
writers
czech working men
i liked this place
Leo thought there was too much smoke
but it was so worth it
i drank and aperitif that was all cloves and cinnamon
Leo ate a duck
i had a thin pork steak with ginger and carrots (“prague alchemist” they called it)
then i had an Absinth..
but i was disappointed by it
it looked like mouthwash
not the right colour at all
he didn’t serve it with water
and when i put water in it
it didn’t even cloud
it didn’t taste right at all
but.. i felt it’s buzz
i started talking with Leo about my time at the sauna
with the finish man…
all the men
during the sex
the hunt
there was a rush
an excitement
but near the end
especially with that czech guy
i wondered what the fuck i was doing…
why?
what was it really doing for me?
yes
sex can be a very creative act
especially with a conscious partner
but was this really doing anything good for me?
to imagine this connection?
this intimacy?
yes
i enjoy seeing a bunch of people walk around naked
enjoy seeing men hungry, on the hunt
but it also annoys me
bothers me
frustrates me
== i feel like it’s a waste of energy
i get so confused about it
yet i’m still compulsive
i do most of the work with these guys
and what are we doing?
what do they want?
what do i want?
so strange
because i haven’t been doing this sauna thing a lot in the last year
it’s re-clashing with my emotions
and i’m wondering how or why it’s good for me
.. i told him that while i was sitting in the jacuzzi that last time
before he showed up, before that czech guy arrived
that i thought of what i believed about gay culture like this
this rampant sex with random people
and how detrimental it is
how it equalled disease, addiction and death
as had been proved by the last thirty years
… but when i broke into gay culture
when i got the job at the bath house in portland
i let go of those judgements
and started enjoying it
the drinking
the crazy people
the hunt
the compulsion
and less and less paid attention to the fear
laughing at myself
what if i hadn’t spent so much time and energy on being gay in this physical way?
like my friends of my generation who spend more energy on being artists than i do
my thoughts meandered…
somewhere in our conversation
talking about czech writers
(as i imagined all these men to be writers, and i was getting excited remembering Kafka and Grombrowitcz stories and telling them to Leo)
i mis-heard Leo say
“if you want to be depressed, read the bible”
and when i responded to that
he was confused
when i realized i misheard him
i explained to him how every time i read it it depressed me
and he told me i just didn’t understand it
and we got in a big argument
strange
we’d never got in such an argument about christianity before
he being a priest
i’ve always respected his love for that path
but i realized all of a sudden
that i hated christianity as a culture
where i was once in a state of forgiving it
now i couldn’t
and he was telling me i was just ignorant of it’s intent
and i was telling him he was turning a blind eye to all the guilt and blame and destruction
… it was messy
mercury retrograde argument, i guess
we weren’t on the same page
we went back to the hotel to sleep

we had a reservation on an early train to prague
so we could spend a few hours in Dresden on the way down
… so Dieter woke us at about 7:30
ugh
but we got to have breakfast with Dieter and Friedel
though neither Leo nor i are really into eating breakfast early in the morning
it was nice to see both of them to see us off..
Monday morning..
we walked to the U-bahn
ahh, good-bye Berlin
took the U2 one stop up to Zoo Station
navigated our way up to our platform..
and waited: The train was ten minutes late
i walked around
taking pictures
and
only then
realized how close Dieter’s was to the Bahnhof
i snapped a few faces from the crowd
then it was time for the train to come
i looked at our ticket to know which car we should get on, which seat
then stuffed it back in my pocket
and got in line to get on the train with Leo
tons of people getting on
while waiting
a woman came up to us and handed me our tickets
“are these yours?”
wow
they had dropped out of my pocket without me noticing
‘ thank you ‘
always zip up.
we had to buy tickets to go to Prague
because our Eurail pass doesn’t cover the czech republic..
oh.
so off we went
through more snow covered fields
we were riding second class
backwards in small seats stuck among other seats
tired
we just vegged.
still
it was about a three hour ride to Dresden
when we got there
we got off
put our luggage in a locker
and walked out into the city
the people at the train station gave us a simple xeroxed map
the town didn’t look too big
we walked over the capricious ice
through the communist looking town square
shops
flat fronts
tall bland apartment buildings
snow
glass
cement
disrepair.
on a Monday
we walked through one square to another
though things looked older there
there was still a spaciousness that was unnatural with the architecture
Leo finally found a wool scarf that he liked
he’s been looking this whole trip
cheap, €8
we walked through old snow, old city
big buildings
rebuilt for tourism
what are they now?
into some churches
gawdy restorations
we stopped and got a sausage
two sausages
and cup of hot wine
not understanding that there was a refund on the mug the wine was served in
“Tassenfand”
i made a bit of scene because i thought she mis understood me and charged me for two when i asked for one
so i asked the guy to give me two…
it all got cleared up
but left a sour experience feeling in me
i didn’t like dresden
i found the whole place depressing.
the one thing i was really interested in
was an old palace that had been destoyed
but not bulldozed
they wanted to restore it
but didn’t have the money
so
we could see the skeleton of the building
the bricks
with bits of plaster and paint still stuck on them
history in layers
honest
honestly something..
from there we went into another church
but this one was restored in the communist days
instead of trying to make it look like it used to
they used the undamaged fundaments
and then sprayed stucco on the rest of the brick work
it was all grey and blank looking
like the static on a TV screen
it suggested the shape of the church
gave it a space for us to be inside
but
there wasn’t really anything there
yet at the bases
were the ruins of the original church
weather worn
broken
statues
walls
arches
.. it was beautiful
an organ concert was going on
so we sat and listened..
Leo couldn’t get over the lighting fixtures:
“Sputnik” balls with golden flares coming of them
we left
and i felt thoroughly depressed at this point
ready to leave Dresden
though i got a bit brighter when we walked by a fountain fixed in a wall
with a krononus head spouting water
and a big mouth with a tongue pushing out on the bottom as the drain
i took a picture.
the lady taking our reservations in Berlin said “two hours in Dresden?”
we thought we needed three
but she was right
… we headed back to the train station to see if we could make the train an hour earlier
but we missed it
in leu of getting some good german bread
so we sat and read
more Thomas Mann for me…
depressing
(laughs)
the train was, again, ten minutes late
and a platform change
so we had to move all our stuff
i was tired!
when we got on the train
our reservations, again, had us facing backwards
but i noticed most of the car was empty
and unreserved
so i moved to the other end of the car
facing forward
Leo was reticent
but eventually came over to sit next to me.
the scenery changed dramatically
now we were traveling through a valley alongside a river
it was … again .. beautiful
small towns crushed into the flood valley floor
against the cliffs, high mountains backing them
everything contrasted with snow
bridges
… as the sun set
we headed in to Prague
no real trouble with our passports
but the novelty of getting border control
everything in unified Europe now..
we got into Prague at 18:37 or so
night had fallen
there was a nice lady
looked kinda like my mom
standing outside the doors of the train
asking any of us if we needed accommodation
… just trying to make a living
but we already had reservations
… and
oddly enough
a guy down stairs from the platform from that hotel asked us if we needed a room..
no
but we took the brochure he had
coz it had the address and a map on it
the better for the Taxi drivers…
i changed some money
$200
turned into
4680 Czech Krouns
yeah?
out to the Taxi stand
there… weren’t taxis…
there were “train station transport service” cars
we loaded our stuff in
and asked how much it would cost
the guy showed us a printed leaflet that said
986Kcs
which is €30
the distance to the hotel was about a Mile
What
the
Fuck
Ever.
we couldn’t talk him out of it
he said it was a fixed price
we got out of the car
the guy behind him said
“how much?”
we said
€10
and he gave it to us
still
we got stuck in traffic when we got into town
crazy..
the words on the signs…
never have i seen a language that looked more like someone just randomly hitting a keyboard..
we sat in traffic for about 10 minutes
about 2 minutes from the hotel…
one of the things i love about Europe
is i can hear songs on the radio that i know and actually like
which very rarely happens in the states
however
in eastern europe…
as i’ve also experienced in Peru and Brazil
i get to hear songs i’ve almost forgotten about
… and wished i had.
today’s treat
while stuck in traffic
was an extended remix of Milli Vanilli’s “Blame it on the Rain”
… though that song pops into my head occasionally over the years
: as my child hood was inundated with it
i haven’t heard it since i was an early teenager
and never had i heard this incredibly tedious remix
well… welcome to prague
it ended just before we got to our hotel.
when we checked in
our room was just what we wanted
through the lobby
to the back
a little house thrown in under the hotel
two small rooms to the right
ours was the first, 51
back by the toilet was 52
the toilet was shared
our room had three nice big windows… that opened onto the back of the hotel
two firm beds, like in germany
and a table.
s’ok.
we put our stuff down
and then went out for something to eat.
right next to our hotel was a Chinese restaurant
dishes for about €3
impressive
but we wanted Czech food
but which to choose?
the old city (which we were very central in)
was filled with tourist traps
and tourist food is generally overpriced and Shit
however
nothing was too expensive here
a .5 liter of beer was 28Kcs (€1)
Pilsner Urquell was on the door of almost every restaurant
and i don’t generally drink mass produced shit beer
but Pilsner Urquell was the first beer i ever enjoyed…
i looked at our small map
compared against the gay map Leo had torn out of an old 2002 Spartacus guide
and we tried to find the generic gay bar called “Friends”
… to check out the scene and get a better gay map of the city
… but it was no where to be found…
so we wandered around a bit
crunching through the ice and snow
looking at menus in windows
a woman came out and said we could come in and eat
a place with a simple tourist menu
OK
… it was a cellar restaurant
old brick vaulted basement
beautiful
the Pilsner Urquell was still very tasty
and i had goulash with dumplings
which was wonderful
though the dumplings were a bit heavy…
gluten balls
it was very nice
though we were very tired
so we walked home from there
and quickly went to sleep.

So Strange.
i just finished reading Thomas Mann’s “the Will to Happiness” from his collected tales with “Death in Venice”
the story of a sickly man
who defies death for years
desperately seeking happiness
and as soon as he gets the woman he’s pined for all that time
he dies the night of their Wedding.
Like the story of my friend Tapestry
who was sick with HIV for 12 years or so
the last time i saw him
he had finally found a boy he could love
and be loved by
who could accept him totally
push him in the ways he needed to be pushed
rush him in the ways he needed to be rushed
Accepted.
— He’d gotten very ill since he had this love
thin, “full blown AIDS” he said…
they had excellent love
and travels
all the places he had been wanting to go
and
joy of joys
his new love took him to live in Ireland
finally outside of the US
in an old castle somewhere by the sea:
He died a month later.
& i feel like i’ve seen and heard this story so many times before
i’ve often wondered
is it always happiness? fulfillment?
is that satisfaction?
to stay alive is a constant struggle
more obvious for some…
what keeps me alive?
what am i yearning for?
really?
and do i really want off this planet?
in the last years
i’ve seen myself just become a crotchety old man
wise and weary and constant
nothing overly important
but present to those who need that.
will my life ebb on like that?
is there a great desire that can find that will release me?
will there be a battle against a blasé existence?
or some passion that needs completing?
my life, perhaps more than the world as a whole, is a mystery to me.

i’ve been going to sleep not too late
really
i guess
last night was a late night
sometime after one
but still
i’ve not been getting out of bed til 11 or so
… sleeping a lot.
good?
Leo’s reading
i’m moving my heavy body around
stretching
doing my best to focus and breathe life into me
… this space is pretty good
spacious
it’s been encouraging me to do yoga
so i make myself a little bigger…
Leo and i decide we’re gonna go to an internet cafe
but it’s hard to leave the house
… the inertia of sunday morning.
Dieter goes out to the Tiergarten again with the dogs
and Leo and i finally make it out the door
just moments before Dieter gets back: we run into him on the street.
Ramseys tries his shit with me on the sidewalk
it’s fun
but it unnerves Dieter
coz some guy is standing there watching
— i have dog slobber all over my hand.
we walk up the street
slipping on the ice
chilled by the wind
— even the chinese internet place is closed
..sunday..
so we walk back down
Leo get’s a currywurst
and all our hopes are a little let down:
it’s just a sausage with curry powder on it.
s’ok.
we munch on it
i have a little
i’m not that hungry
i ate more for breakfast…
onto the U-bahn, U1 again
out to the Schlisises Tor
to the internet cafe…
we sit down
going through our messages
emails and profiles
Leo has plans to meet Dieter and Friedel for a drink at Mario’s
then he’s going to a naked pig sex party down at the Barn (Scheune)
i have plans to meet up with a Faery friend to go to a sauna party
not a sex party
more of a social thing at someone’s house
so we’re on the computers
Leo’s ready to leave around 4:45
my party thing isn’t til after 6
so Leo leaves
[ he told me, later, that while he was waiting for the train
he was looking out over the neighborhood
remembering his time there
and he noticed a wall covered with graffiti
he had noticed this wall yesterday
but today there was something different:
sprayed in bright pink
“Leo”
as if Berndt’s spirit had got stuck in the area
because he killed himself
seeing Leo there
wanting to say Hello…]
sitting at the computer
i fell into a customary computer hole
got obsessed
looking for men in the places i’d be travelling
looking for men in Berlin
all of a sudden i’m really horny
and i’m feeling antisocial anyway
… i didn’t want to go to the sex party
didn’t want to go to the bar
and at this point
didn’t really want to go to the sauna party and talk with people..
though there is a part of me that would like that
to meet people in a nude non-sexual context
interesting people
yeah
but that’s not what happens
hour after hour goes by
i’m chatting with people
it’s 5:45
it’s 6:45
i finally get off the computer
(yes, nearly got off, sitting there playing with myself under the desk)
i try and call the guy i had been chatting with to tell him i’m not coming now
(it would have made sense for me to go play with him when i first started chatting with him an hour and a half ago.. then i could have gone to the sauna party afterwards)
but he doesn’t speak any english
and i don’t speak and german
so the phone call was useless… not having an internet translator
ugh.
i walk through the snow
… i’m gonna find this sauna party and do that instead.
but i don’t see it
the streets don’t make sense
and i’m getting very cold
and
noticeably hungry
eventually
i look at a map
and see i have been walking the wrong direction
my entire orientation was off
and now i’m back at the U-bahn stop before the Schlisises Tor
goddamnit
so i go and get a Döner kebab
which is even CHEAPER out here, €1
and it’s good
and the turkish guys like me
turkish guys always like me
in my hairyness…
someone just told me that they outlawed this look in turkey… Really?
no long beards and long hair
traditional muslim look
it was outlawed many years ago
women not allowed to wear berkas…
will i run into trouble when i’m there?
anyway
back to now
i ate my kebab
and got on the train
… still eating my kebab
going over the river
stopping at Warschalstrasse
getting out
and walking over the frozen train bridge
all the tracks
the night
looking for the right S-Bahn
looking…
finding it
and the sexy homeless guys looking at me
and the big guy… was he turkish?
but damn, that furry hat
i get to the station
and the guy who doesn’t speak english is there
we talk
not understanding eachother
we still talk
and walk through the halls
up the stairs..
to his car?
a little VW
ja
driven through the icy streets
where are we?
somewhere outside of the ring now
to a large apartment building
ah
the large bland apartment living
storage space for fleshy body
person
something
pistol on the table
cat box in the shower
brocade…
he’s got a little computer room
with a single bed on a metal frame
we go into the front room
he pulls out the couch
and lays down a towel
gets his poppers
“ficken ficken ficken”
i insist on condoms
he doesn’t like this
and i understand
but…
the condom is like a deep sea diving suit
i can’t feel anything
not that i don’t cum
because i do
and too quickly
and maybe that’s because i was so horny
hornly
desperate
lonely
trying to distract myself
maybe it’s because of how hot he is
or how much he’s pulling at my energy
how horny he is
hornly
desperate
lonely
what do you expect from Dial-a-Date?
the internet
don’t know someone
pick them up right now
there’s gotta be a draw there somewhere
and he’s huffing on his bottle
and i’ve pretty much gone soft
and wondering what the fuck i’m doing there
that blank dog feeling of “what’s happening?”
he’s on top of me now
and he can’t get hard anymore
but he cums
one warm slash on my belly
we cuddle and talk
and he tells me how great i was
how hot
how he’s gotta see me again
— he takes some pictures
then… emails them to me.
but i convince him i gotta go
you know
there’s another guy who wants me to fuck him tonight
-oh, i hadn’t mentioned that?
and i want to meet Leo and Dieter for Dinner
last night in Berlin, you know
but by the time i manouver everything
the car ride back to the station
the walk back to the platform
the tourist kids who stop to ask me where to catch the train to prague?
who make me miss my train
the waiting
the wind…
but the connection from the S-bahn to the U-bahn was pretty seamless
and i’m riding
looking at people
looking out the window
losing games of solitaire
i get back to the house
and they tell me all the hot guys i missed at the bar
well
not feeling all that sociable anyway
no
not really
we eat dinner
a good dinner of sausages, cabbage (red, with apples, cloves and bay leaves)
and there is no way i’m going back out
into that cold night
sky so clear the moon lights up everything
no
we’ve gotta pack and go to sleep, you know
waking up at 7:15 tomorrow morning
to catch our 9:26 train to Dresden; to Prague
take it easy, baby
it’s nearly 11
put things away
it’s time to go to bed.