Uncategorized

we both
seriously
need rest
we slept
we woke
we slept more
at around 11
i think
i crawled in bed with Leo
we just cuddled
tired
the thick blue shiny curtains keeping out the light
the double doors keeping out the sound
no.. the heavy shutters keeping out the sound and light!
the rolling shutter like they have in Stuttgart
there to keep out hail
here to keep out heat
i gather
the room is a cool dark cave
we get out of bed around noon
open
let the light in
look at maps
what are we going to do today?
stagger outside
have to leave the key at the desk, si
food food food
no
no food
just a coffee
ok
we go into a fancey little cafe on Hortaleza
Leo gets a coffee and pastry
my body can´t take anything like that now
i have fresh squeezed orange juice
i drink it really slowly
we sit and talk as he drinks and eats
looking at the people outside
the big glass window
looking in at us
such handsome men here
when Leo is done
i still have half my glass left
i down it and we head out
… the notice that the waiter had taped the menu the the window for the passers-by
upside down
we tell him
no spanish
he understands
and thanks us.
now where do we go?
i have the map
how about that Monastery first?
we amble down the big shopping street
cut off
and head to the monastery..
but it JUST closed about 15 minutes ago for Siesta
oh, sorry about that.
the square..
i get a bad feeling about the homeless people here
this city is strange..
we look down a shaded street
and see a steeple
and that´s … generally, the direction of the Cathedral
so we go there…
another old church
we go in
nice
small
ok
nothing as beautiful as compared to anything we´ve seen elsewhere
so we spend some time in there
Leo nodding his appreciation at a mass happening in a Chapel
then we head off
continuing on the street
a boy sitting on the corner
two cans of beer next to him
an angry look
his hand held out
we walk by and head up the street
almost every shop is church goods!
monstrances
vestments
crosses and tabernacles and eucharist boxes
geeze
Leo is loving it
i´m still having a little trouble stomaching all the dead guy stuff
mmmm, dead guy
roasted
hmmm
we break free of that street
and head to the Plaza Mayor
which isn´t really all that beautiful
and is obviously the tourist place
though i am pretty hungry now
we’re certainly not going to eat here.
where’s the cathedral?
we walk down the street
is that it?
no…
Ah, there it is
huge
looming..
ok
we cross the street
take the steps up
past the beggars
and into the church..
it´s huge
i think it´s the largest height roof i´ve seen yet
but it´s very bland
maybe a hundred years old
probably not that old
not really very interesting
bland
i have to pee
so i let Leo look around
and i run around looking for a toilet
none in there
so i go outside
none right around
i go down the street towards the park
but nothing there
just straight dutch people talking with eachother…
have i ever seen straight dutch people before?
it seems a shame
straight dutch people
they look so… odd…
tight…
their language
even that isn´t as fun as i usually enjoy hearing it
hmmm
but i can´t pee here
because they´re here
otherwise
i could just let go in the grass
ok
fine
i go back up to the cathedral
and notice the palace beyond
OK
i go in
toilets
yes!
but they are behind the entrance plaza..
i don´t have to pay
but they give me a ticket
… and i have to go through security.
so i take off my belt
my jacket
my camera
argh!
put it through the x-ray
and run into the toilets
Thank You.
so
i´m inside
maybe i should look around?
i walk out into the courtyard
i can’t help it: i´m just not interested.
so i head down
back out
and Leo calls me
.. i answer and tell him to meet me outside
in a minute
and when we meet
he tells me how utterly boring that cathedral was
liked one altar piece…
and what shall we do now?
i look at the map
and we head up
toward the opera
maybe one of these buildings is the Turkish Embassy?
i need to get my visa…
don´t see it
they all look like embassies, though..
we head down the street to another small plaza
and there is turkish food here…
not the embassy
but i´m hungry
and Leo agrees to eat here.
unfortunately
it´s bad gyros
super processed
not so tasty.
there are good kebaps.. and not so good ones
this missed the mark.
but we have our falafel and showarma and beer
and decide to head to the sauna Principe
it is not shown on the new gay map
though the address is different than the Spartacus address
we assume it´s in the same area: on Principe street..
we walk down a road
into the Puerta del Sol
big square thing.. all under construction
through that
past The House Of Pork!
though it´s called something in spanish
amazing
huge pieces of dried pig hanging from the cieling everywhere
gleaming glories of sausage in the window
hm..
get to principe
and .. .the sauna is not there anymore..
so where is this new address?
it´s probably just small side street
we walk around and around looking for it
no sauna
but beautiful
beautiful beards
beautiful eyes
bellies
hmm
when we find that suana
i´m sure we´re into for a wonderful feast
but where the fuck is it?
we ask people
look at maps.
No.
mmm
ok.
i remember passing an internet cafe
so we walk back
find the internet
i look up the address on line
and
Ah,
it´s just north of where we ate the mediocre Kebap
Ah.
damn.
s´ok.
we walk
back through the Puerta del Sol
this time up a different street
past the big statue of the bear eating the madrona berries
north of Gran Via
we have to find San Bernardo
and there it is
but i get distracted and get us lost in a maze of chinatown streets
that´s not what we want.
grrr..
we head back to San Bernardo
but now that´s another big street
it takes me a while to get oriented again
and then we to
Terrazata de Beatas
donde esta?
there is a Terrazata
and it´s a million stairs heading up
Leo doesn´t like stairs
so we go up the hill round the back
and i tell him to wait for me in the square while i scout ahead
so he doesn´t have to walk up hill so much if he doesn´t have to
he´s tired
he´s ok with that
so we do.
and yes
this is it!
i´ve found it!
a little yellow sign poking out into the street saying
“Principe”
i go back and fetch Leo
and we go in..
not expensive
nice hot sauna
showers
large hot steam room
there is this lecherous old man
desicated from meds
and constaly grabbing at me and pushing at me
i have to dodge him over and over again
and the first guy i touch in the steam room
he´s kinda like a mexican
but much too pushy for me right now
Slow Down, boys…
it´s all kinda a blur
i know i played with someone
i forgot who
i forgot everything about it
did he take a piece of my mind?
did i lose my life
snatched in some lechery i wasn´t aware of?
then i saw this big bear that i thought was hot
and familiar
somehow
through eye-glancing
and suggestion
we got eachother in a room
and played a while
he really liked my butt
and i liked everything about him
he was just working to make me cum
letting me enjoy the ride
but clear where he was going
upon destination
we tried to talk with eachother in bad spanish
then realized he was from London, and i..
we´ll
we’d been talking on line years ago
so we chatted for a while
talked about things
seems he´s a conesseur of saunas
when i told him my travel plans
he told me all the great saunas to go to..
and saunas are OK
but really i´ve only been going to them with Leo..
they aren´t my thing…
right?
i tell him i´m going to Turkey
he says it´s a waste of time
no good sauanas there…
.. hopefully there´s something more interesting in Turkey than saunas..
i don´t know
we play a bit more
then separate
out on the hunt again
i see a big man that look almost egyptian or something..
i go and sit with Leo for a while and talk in the bar
drink some water
a pitcher of water out for us to drink
good..
but i can´t sit with him long
apparently he´s had plenty of fun and just needs to rest
but i want that egyptian guy
i go and find him
he´s interested
so we go into a cabin
and he´s just a big bodied latin male
and he´s very forceful
and he does his thing
it´s nice to watch in the mirror
and when he cums
it´s over
and he´s gone
well
ok then.
i walk out of there
and see this old guy
he smiles at me
and take me into his room
a much bigger cock than the much bigger body guy
who was not egyptian, just spanish from Toledo..
this daddy
probably in his late 60s
he just wants me to suck his dick
which is very nice
and i take him to the edge a few times
before sliding down that water fall with him
it´s nice
and he enjoys how much i´m enjoying his body
licking him all over
he tells me he needs a little rest
then wants to go again
ok
i´m gonna go get some water
but i walk out the door
and am pulled into another cabin immediately by a shaved-face very furry daddy
thick corse fur
he´s italian and spanish
he speaks no english
but he tells me that we are friends..
can we be friends?
just me and him?
yeah, i guess so
we play
but he doesn´t want to cum..
he takes me out of there
into the steam room
apparently
just to show off
because he wants to have sex with me there
but not let me touch or be touched by anyone else
not even look at anyone else
ok
this is annoying
he wants all my attention
what´s his birthday?
oh, he´s a Leo! how nice..
fuck you.
i leave
and he tracks me down
convinces me to go to another room with him
and i do
but he doesn´t want to cum
he just wants to monopolize my time
and he tells me i must spend the evening with him
which i tell him is impossible
it´s my last night with my friend who´s leaving tomorrow
no, he says
you must spend the night with me
at that
i leave him
and tell him to fuck off
i take a shower
and then see the old man i played with earlier getting ready to leave
asks if i will go again with him
oh yes!
fun
not posession, thanks
so we go back
and have another good ole time
(grin)
then i´m ready to go
so i head to the sauna and spend some time sweating
stretching
resting
cold shower
and go to find Leo
who´s talking with some fascinating syphony conductor
yes yes
ok
i´ll wait a while
they get another beer
so i wait
while the posessive italian guy keeps trying to convince me to go with his hot self
(fuck you)
pursing his lips at me
swaying his head
smiling
No.
i leave the bar
and go to get dressed
tell Leo i will meet him outside
breathe the air..
and try and figure out how to set up my Movistar voicemail..
change the language to english and get it sorted
walk down the street
and then Leo is there..
We head out
back to San Bernardo
and towards Gran Via
i´m starving for electrolytes again
so we stop into a little shop…
just a juice
and some water
and the girl at the desk is flipping the fuck out
she´s going crazy at this british kid
simple misunderstanding
but apparently
she´d had enough all day
she´d going nuts
and Leo is taken aback
we´re both just wishing we could get throug there fast
i try and facilitate by offering change
but she´s just rushing and pushing
Leo says
“she reminds me of Bridget”
oh come now
we walk down the street
and i look up a the sky
You know what´s going on with her, Leo?
it´s her Period
new moon
gotta have compassion for the girls
she should be home sleeping
or in a forest chilling out
not having to deal with stupid people
but yeah
freaked out..
we walk down the street
and i notice this really beautiful man
with long hair a big bushy beard
Leo
how come i never see men like that in america?
unless they´re crazy homeless people..
or Nayland…
he does look a lot like Nayland´s current look
clothes are a bit more on the conservative side
my eyes stay on him
and as we come to a phone booth
he turns quickly on it
sticks his fingers in the change slot
then screams at it
and starts banging the receiver up and down
Oh.
He IS a crazy homeless guy.
well, ok.
we head back towards the hotel
get some warmer clothes on
and head out to the restaurant that J recommended to me earlier today
gave me vague directions
but i think i can find it
we walk down Infantes
and up Liberdad..
but where from here?
now his directions fail
and Leo and i split up
looking for the restaurant that “obviously serves Galician food”
nothing in site…
maybe we´ll walk down that block one block further?
ok, maybe just to that next place, yeah..
and there it is
probably…
J told us the guy who ran the place looked like a Farmer
which was enough of a reccomendation for me.
and it was
there was a big table of guys in there
otherwise empty
we got a table against the wall in the corner
and the waitress (wife?) spoke no english
what is this meat? this fish?
she gives us a food translation card
ah…
Leo asks what that dish is
she brings out a Huge chunk of meat
oh oh oh
OK he´ll get that
it´s Veal.
i get Cordero
we get wine.
it’s good
we share
we talk
but Leo wanted to have The Conversation About Us here
thinking it would be a quiet restaurant
but another table of business men have come in
and both of the tables have had enough drink
now they are very loud
so we just chat
eat
and go
walking back through the Chueca square
lots of kids out drinking and talking in the cool night air
we decide we´ll have a night-cap at the HOT bar we´d been told about last night
so we walk back down to Infantes
and head in…
what´s that?
they´re playing Pulp´s last album
all the way through
we drink strong whiskeys
Leo´s Friedel is there from last night
and there are some incredibly cute bear dolls by the window
incredibly cute!
i took a picture
but it´s just a blur
one kinds reminds me of Urso..
it´s the glasses
it´s the transformation of quiet nerd boy
into the hottest most adorable bear
… well, to look at..
that mouth! those glasses!
that thick beard
stocky body
so so cute…
and his friend is even shorter than he
tatoos all over
different beard, more like mine
but short, of course
we smile and wave at eachother
Hello..


drink drink
Pulp is playing
i´m dancing
i´m so happy
somehow
Madrid has escaped from what most gay bars everywhere suffer from:
Diana Ross (or is it Summers? or both?) and the Village People
they aren´t playing some corporate blend of pop hits from the 70´s and 80´s
they have real people with CDs
playing music they like
it´s so nice.
and these men are beautiful..
and look
over there
is that posessive daddy from the sauna
fuck him anyway
he smiles
as he comes up from the dark room down stairs
tht´s right, buddy
i hug Leo
and i´m glad he´s with me.
but that´s enough
it´s 1am
and Leo´s gotta catch his shuttle at 4am…
so we head back to the Hostal…
on the way back
there is a girl on the street corner
selling beer, i guess
and candy bars?
maybe cigarettes
i wave at herr
Bueno Noches
she echos back in her quiet small voice
and a smile..
up in the room
i had downloaded the South Park episode about The Return of Chef
coz i had read about it in Nayland´s journal
so i tell Leo we have to watch it together…
we do
and we´re both laughing
and shocked
which is good
what the fuck?
i´m glad there are people like that in the world…
making that shit..
then Leo and i cuddle up
and we have our Conversation
what to say
it always comes back to the same thing
i have my understandings about things
my understandings are always fixed and closed
but they do grow
slowly
we just communicate
mercury being direct again
it works better
he lets me know how he feels
as do i
and we hold eachother a while
now it´s 2
so i let him sleep
while i sort through the photos
and burn him three CDs of all the photos i took on the trip with him
i intented to finish writing about our trip
and get a .pdf LJbook of it
but i didn´t have time for that
and the LJbook server was having trouble anyway
but it was nice to sit there on my computer
so fucking tired
but trying to do stuff for him..
while he lay there
snoring
last time i´d hear him snoring for a while..
i woke Leo at 3
and he got ready
continued…

“love in the shadows
was never hard to find”
in the darkness
i can
grab
a big
round
furry body
he can
put
me
inside of him
i don’t know what his face looks like
i’m doing something for him
something he wants
what am i doing?
what does he want?
nothing makes sense
but that’s just the world.

as happens
we slept in
even later
even later than before.
woke around 10
and were so sluggish about getting out
that we skipped eating anything entirely
last day in the city
gotta catch a train at 13:36
or something
so we were driven
Leo had some shopping to do
and wanted to attend mass
.. i wanted to walk through the park
and see if i had found anything for Madrid.
we walked to the main square together
and separated there
i walked down a street i’d never taken
and
wouldn’t ya know it
there was a coffee shop with free WiFi right around the corner!
(grrrrr)
no bother
i walked on
enjoying seeing the back of the town for the first time
the valley falling down
the beauty..
i walked up to the top of the hill
some old monastery of some sort
a huge boulder with a body polished into it
trees.
and the cathedral looming over everything
(from a distance)
nice
i took lots of pictures
the trees in bloom
the vines
the peeling walls
walked around the park
then back into the city
up the already familiar streets
to sit at the terminal
and…
get not much in return.
i guess i’m no spring chicken anymore
after the internet
it was raining
and raining very hard
i found
that the streets are so narrow here
that if i walked against the wall
i didn’t get wet
natural rain protection
rivers pouring down the old stone
i got back to the hotel… not drenched
met up with Leo
and he was in a panic
rushing
i kinda ignored it
went and got some Tuna Empanada
and threw my stuff in the cab
rushing
to get to the station
to wait and wait for the train
water dripping through the ceiling on me and my bag
no one cruising in the toilets
i put on my ipod
and walked up and down the platform
enjoying the cute men
the city all around…
the train was more modern than the ones we’ve had in spain so far
we settled in next to eachother
and ate our empanada
then had some chocolate
some wine
savouring
sharing with eachother
and i read “Death in Venice” to Leo
almost right in his ear
silly
such a pedantic writer
so obsessive
i wonder if other passengers could hear and understand?
i took lots of pictures of us in the window
really enjoying the distortion of the double glazing
feeling bored
feeling restless…
couldn’t really sleep well this time
wrote for a while
til the battery died
no plugs like those good german trains…
When we got into Madrid
we were tired
and i was tired of being tired with Leo
cranky
where’s the fucking Metro?
no where…
did the Metro get blown up around here?
and they still haven’t fixed it?
how the hell do we get to where we’re going?
we walked around and around
looking at maps
but there’s a metro
and commuter rail
and i couldn’t figure it out
eventually
we gave up
and took a Taxi
(there was this cute chubby red bearded hippy kid eating a sandwich, sitting on the ground… i’m not generally into hippy kids… but i love the red haired ones for some reason… we smiled at eachother)
the taxi ride made Madrid look horrible.
just horrible.
really. horrible.
like an american city.
we were silent.
tired.
when we got to our street
it was more interesting
all the crap shops, of course
but graffiti everywhere
yeah
the meter said 9 bucks
but the lady charged us 19
i could understand that… and “surplus” but the rest of what she said was too rattled for me to get it.
Leo paid.
we were supposed to stop here to get the keys to an apartment we had booked on line…
but we didn’t want to have to walk anymore
so we just got a room at the Hostal
cheaper anyway
and Leo
the dear
bought me two extra nights after he left
put it on his card
so i could just rest a bit
and free internet here
of course
couldn’t get a signal to it from my bed
but there was an open network from someone else that worked just fine
i tapped in
and off we went to find something to eat.
on our little map we saw a bar called “Bear’s Bar”
not creative, but clear
we stopped in.
the music was pretty good
not common, but 80’s british pop music
two really hot bears talking to eachother
one was a Friedel
eyeing Leo
crap beer
but ok
eventually
the bartender asked us where we were from
… He’s British. From London
we had a nice little chat
he explained that up til midnight
for every beer you buy you get two
which is about right
seeing that the beers were twice the price of other places we’ve been…
so we had our two beers.
pretty empty bar.
not much going on.
but nice.
we talked with the bloke for a while
i asked him about a place to eat
and he told us a place all the bears went, right around the block
cheap and good.
alright!
we headed out
smoky
cluttered
small
and
Terrible.
the worst food we’ve had on this entire trip
Leo scolded me for asking a British person about “good food”
a strange short … what? tranny? draggish?
i don’t know
very campy, a bit of make up
but in guy’s clothes
he demanded attention and respect
yes honey
but we got out of there as quickly as well could
(even the wine tasted like it was cut with grape juice…)
then went back to that same bar
and told him so
… he seemed genuinely shocked that we didn’t like it…
he told us about the other bars
the most cruisy
a place called “leatherbar”
which wasn’t really a leather bar, but the name stuck
another called “HOT” was a bear bar with cruising…
we decided for that the next night
and took off to Leatherbar
yeah
not too many people at the bar
but the back room was crawling
a downstairs
lots of dancing
you know
people grabbing
but not committing
and back upstairs
there was a beautiful artist type
long hair, shaved face
i let him take me back in a cabin
but we understood the attraction we had for eachother wasn’t sexual
and when he couldn’t speak english
it was over with hugs, kisses and appreciation
then i walked into the dark room
a black boy had me on my knees for a while
vomited a bit
but he just loved it
going going
some other cute bear boy wanted some time in my mouth
but he kept moving my hand back to his butt
i stood up
licking his nips
some other guy on his cock
he grabbed my dick and put it against his ass
pushed back on me
i rubbed his belly
let him ride
til he shot
hot ropes in my fingers
i kissed him in the dark
all these bodies in the dark
i felt disassociated
and fled
enough beer
enough disconnect
Leo was tired
sitting on the steps
waiting for me
i was so drunkish
i got us back to our street
but missed the door
we found it together
and got up stairs with not too much trouble
though they wouldn’t just open the door
we had to try and convince them.. in spanish, that we were staying there
up in the room
Leo passed out pretty quick
and i got on the computer
so happy to have it connected again
i got on Skype
and called my mom
she was happy to hear from me
called Eli
had the talk with him
he called my life “cliche”
which made sense when he said it
then just started to hurt
a part of me connected to my friends
dying off
i called Arthur
didn’t get through
called Nayland
nope.
so i played around on line a while longer
another hour or so
til i was wound down
and it was sometime around 4
then
even i
slept.

drinking?
the dark room
morning
we wake
we fall back asleep
eventually
the howling wind got us up
amazing at all the noise the wind makes
maybe it’ll be sunny today?
it’s not raining
but it’s so fucking windy.
Leo gets out of bed and draws a bath for himself
soaks a while
i lull in bed
when he gets out
i’m ready to get moving
he heads down stairs for a pot of tea
i brush my hair thoroughly
and decide today is a good day to wash my hair…
the oil has responded badly to the hard water in the cities here
my hair has felt gooey for a while
and i don’t like it
once a month
more or less
i get out my little bottles of shampoo and conditioner
i balance on my feet in the tub:
there is no shower curtain
and i scrub my scalp with shampoo first:
no lather even
then work on my brush
running my fingers in the nubs
trying to remove the gooey plaque
let it soak
rinse my hair
more shampoo
on the ends first
rinse it out
then again
then the scalp again
and beard
i think i got it this time
bubbles.
i scrubb the brush some more…
it’s working
the stuff is coming off
well, had i known…
rinse
murky water
ugh.
then conditioner
it feels good to scour my scalp
it feels good to massage it
to play with my hair like this
so rarely do i indulge
how come i’ve never had a boy friend who brushes and cleans my hair?
bob in london
for a few nights…
ah…
the shower feels great
soaping everything
clean socks
clean shirt
but everything else is the same
Leo’s back up
and we have some breakfast
the salami we bought yesterday
the tit cheese
the pork
the different breads
thinking we’ve got plenty of time
Time.
sunday
i want to be at church for the sung mass
i have enjoyed mass when they’re sung in latin
beautiful
and i don’t understand the crazy shit they’re talking about
and i don’t have to listen to the congregation turn into drones and repeat shit to them…
we get to the church
and everything is over
and everything’s closed
hmmm
Spring Forward!
our clocks did not automatically change
no
we missed it by an hour
so
now what?
we walk around a while
yeah
and then?
guess we could get some business done
we go out to walk around the city
and head to the train station
down through tight streets
old streets
shops
silly things
out of the old city
into the new city
fallen blossoms
ground covered
is that camellia?
it’s not a long walk
15 minutes maybe
something like that
no problem
train leaves tomorrow at 13:37 to madrid
gets us in at 21:32
we get our reservations and i walk around to use the toilet
ah!
they’re free here
but that guy isn’t cruising, is he?
nope
just a geezer waiting for the train
hmmm
alright
i piss
and my phone starts vibrating
who’s that?
unknown call
is that?
Yes.
it is.
Nayland finally called me!
he explains that Skype had not updated my profile til today
the last two days it had the old number
well
however
today mercury went direct
i’m glad i finally get to talk to him
i fall into conversation with him
all the way back up to the old city
as Leo and i walk…
all the tension i felt about communicating is gone when i’m actually talking with him
and we just natter on about things until Leo and i get to the Park
and though it had been a nice day til now
as we sit on the park bench
it starts to drizzel
starts to pour
so i say good bye to Nay
and Leo and i run off to the covered galleries
i go to the internet cafe with aims to make contacts in Madrid and further into Andalucia
so i have places to stay and people to explore with
— i’m feeling very insecure that i have fucking clue what’s going on after Leo leaves…
Leo goes off walking
to see the town on his own
have coffee
attend mass.
yeah
i’m there a long time.
with very little prospects
it feels so odd
like i’m Mining
so i say
it feels odd
it feels wrong
it feels desperate
and i’m a bit scared.
and i sit there til nearly 18:00
which is when mass starts
so i walk around a bit
and realize i have nothing to do til Leo gets out
so i go into another internet place to Mine further
Nothing
and get an SMS from Leo:
meet me back at the hotel.
so i go back there
and he’s not there..
and it’s not raining
so i decide i will rush off to the park and walk around, like i wanted to earlier…
heading down the stairs: i run into Leo
but i explain to him
and he says he just wants to lay down
so
no prob
i head outside
as it starts to drizzle
starts to pour
ok.
(fuck)
i go back up
take off my shoes
and lay down with Leo..
we lay in bed together for a while
listening to the rain
not long before he opens a bottle of wine
and i ask him if he’d like me to read something
he starts, “not another one of Eli’s scripts..”
no no, Brokeback Mountain
oh yes, yes
— i have the story on my computer and told him i would read it to him sometime on the trip…
so we settle in with some Santiago Tart.. some cheese cake… and some wine
raining out side
while i read him the story.
the story..
time passes, we’re carried around through those lives
it’s pretty good
i only want to cry at the very end.
sit in silence for a bit.
talk about it for a while
and then realize another project we’d been talking about:
a ring-tone for his phone for when i call..
he suggested a snippet from Bob Dylan’s “Boots of Spanish Leather”
the opening?
” oh i’m sailing away
my own true love
i’m sailing away in the morning
is there something i can send you
from across the sea
from the place that i’ll be landing?”
i suggested cutting off the last line
seeing that i wasn’t landing…
then we decided to listen to the whole song and see if there was a better bit
– the song playing in that little crooked attic room, rain falling. dim light.
we decided on the end:
“take head, take head
of the western winds
take head of the stormy weather
and, yes
there’s something
you can send back to me
Spanish boots of
Spanish
Leather.”
though there are a million beautiful lines from the song
that seemed fitting
shoes
i got it cut and converted and transfered to his and mine pretty quick
clever
he smiled…
now
the city
the town
out…
the wind still blowing
but maybe the rain stopped?
we needed dinner
but it’s a sunday night
is everything still open late?
first hope was the place right around the corner
and yes
chilly wet night
and no
they were closed
so we headed back up to the restaurant where Friedel worked
where we ate last night
sat in the same room
but tonight next to the pilgrim statue (fingers cut off)
tonight i got soup, and a half order of the baby lamb
he got spaghetti & veal, as he loves his veal
we had wine
and did not see Friedel
more mentions of things we should talk about
but now not the time
now
not
time.
so i said i’d be off to the internet
just to check
just to see
keep the conversations going
juggling
he’d get the bill
i’d meet him back at the hotel
but there was nothing of mention in internet land
the windy wet empty streets
back at the hotel
the day was done
we just cuddled up
drank some wine
and slept.

because i shut the shade on that one window last night
our room is black
and we sleep long
i got out of bed around 9
and Leo was still snoring..
i pissed
then fell back asleep.
when we both got up
we pawed through the food bag we had been carrying around
moldy bread
moldy cheese
we sorted through the good bread we had
all the jam, nutella, cheese
managed to make a good breakfast for ourselves
and got ourselves together to go out about noon.
it was raining.
apparently it rains for two days here
one day of reprieve
then back on
rainy
like Ireland
Galicia.
we walked down the steps out of our hotel
town the road
huge paving stones
huge
so beautiful
like we were walking on the walls of a cathedral
i am confused to see cars driving
as if cars shouldn’t be allowed to drive on such beautiful huge stones
how’d they get so smooth?
for such long distances
all the curves
up and down hills?
it’s flat, though, on the walk to the cathedral
a minute walk to the huge square
it’s raining lightly
and there’s a sign up telling us we have to walk around the side of the building because the front door is locked for mass
we walked up anyway
look at the statues
the moss on the stones
then went back down
and around the corner
another square
large steps up
and two beggars sitting there
one inside the door
one outside
with puppy eyes
little begging plates
on their knees.
striking me as odd…
like they were acting or something
as if they weren’t real
… many of the homeless people in europe feel that way to me
like it’s a show
not that they’re doing anything entertaining
but it’s a ritual..
like in prague
apparently the mafia made all the beggars lay on their knees with their heads on the ground and their hands out
apparently
but that’s the way they all were
and here
inside
the beggar kneels on cardboard
his little scallop shell held out
puppy dog eyes
i look at the cold dirty girl outside
in her very fancy parka
want to say ” nice coat ”
but just walk by
giving them eye contact and a nod…
inside…
the place is packed
i’m knocked off base
something seems so strange..
this place is huge..
the Altar…
the altar is the largest i have ever seen in my life
it seems like something i’ve seen in a magazine
… from India or something
all gold
a huge litter being held by angels that look exactly like dakinis
the million manifestations of St James
all done in cold and stones and paints
we wander back to an opening in the middle aisle
and sit
the Pilgrim mass is going on
the old priest is clearing his throat and speaking about something
… his spanish is very guttural
the parish members doing the readings are dressed so nice
i get that terrible feeling i always get in church while a mass is happening..
i like churches when they are inert
but when they come alive
when mass is happening
i get angry
i feel oppressed, like there’s not enough air
dirty almost
certainly like i don’t belong and am not welcome
and like i’m being swindled…
(but i feel that way in most spiritual circuses… )
my mood drops down quickly
so i get up and leave Leo there to enjoy mass
not wanting to spew psychic pollution everywhere
i go outside as quickly as i can.
i walk around in the gentle rain
wash me
cool me off
now the whole city seems like a stage
like it’s all a fucking gyp…
i mope around in the rain
find an internet cafe
and ask the prices
€1.50 an hour… no hook-up or WiFi
hmmm
back into the cathedral
the anger is still there
mass is still happening
i walk around the back to the other side
everyone is staring at something
a dancing bear
i don’t know what the fuck
but i look
and it’s the thurible
the huge censer hanging from a thick docking rope
there are a group of men in special burgundy robes pulling on part of the rope
to cause the censer to swing all the way into both arms of the transept
(swinging in a 50 metre arc, leo just told me)
good show, old chap
i make a movie with my camera
… i don’t smell the incense, though…
and when it’s all over
i find a very small chapel off to the side
it’s empty
and says “silence”
so i go in there and sit
very little decoration
no gold
just Mary holding baby J and a sprig of something
i rest there…
til it starts filling with tourists.
Leo later tells me that was the chapel for foreign pilgrims… and the Basque.
the outsiders, yeah
here i am.
when i walk out of the chapel
i see the mass must be over
the place is swarming
i go back to where i left Leo and he’s sitting there
all happy
i take his place on the bench
and he walks around a bit to see the back of the church
then we walk together into the crypt
then up to the St James statue
this is what the pilgrims want to do
to touch St James (gold clad idol)’s shoulder and make a wish
or receive blessings or something
and i’m just not in the mood
i close my eyes
put myself aside
and ask for blessings for my mother’s walk.. should she choose to walk the long road here…
then kinda rush out of there
and meet up with Leo again…
we walk out
the rain rain rain
across the small square
to have a cup of tea
we sit and drink
refilling the little pots
hot weak tea
chatting about stuff
i don’t want to bring Leo down
but i tell him a bit of how i’m feeling
we don’t dwell on it
but just sitting there is unpleasant for me
terrible back ground music
all in spanish
but
terrible
i put on my ipod
and listen to some brainiac
that makes me feel better.
eventually
we decide to walk around a bit
and head out
walking down a street with covered galleries… like in Bologna
little shops…
and there’s a guy playing guitar
sitting on a chair
he has a sign that says “Jazzman”
and wears a black stocking over his face with a little fedora on
over his lips
are big cartoon “negro” lips with a chewed down cigar.
would that go over in the USA?
would this guy get the shit beat of of him?
we walk to the end of the galleries
and find a little pastry shop.
hmmmm
i buy a little tart covered with chocolate..
coated almond sliver spikes stick up
Leo gets a tiny santiago tart
and we share a meat empañada
back through the covered galleries
in the rain
to the internet cafe i found in the street up by the cathedral
we sit and write
answering our emails
40 minutes passing quickly
we leave after a full hour
and head up around the street
finding ourselves on the square just above our hotel
what are those doors?
— just another way into the huge cathedral..
and that thing?
it’s a benedictine monastery …
that’s now a school or something: we can’t go in
so we walk up and around
passing something that looks like a gay bar
rainbow sign hanging off the wall
no times or other notices
… we’ll come back tonight.
down the road
we come to the other side of the benedictine monastery
this time
the church part
it’s open now
as a museum
small entrance fee
we go in
they’re restoring the small chapels
Franciscan saints with that really cool tonsure the Franciscans wore…
the painting done so well on the statue you could see the stubble… the pattern baldness gave him a little tuft up front instead of a full ring
up at the front
three huge altars
all gold
a million saints
a close second to the one in the main cathedral here
these things are SO HUGE
the pilgrims must have brought a lot of money to this town over the years…
the one of the left has a moon in the centre of it
the one on the right, the sun.
behind the central
choir stalls
interesting
but it doesn’t have the wood carving that i saw out front in the advertisement to the museum..
we walk around to the museum part of this place
what was the sacristy
filled now with votive paintings and dolls of jesus
chasubles and chalices
old stones from the older building…
and a few flights of old stone stairs going up
Leo’s knees are still sore
so i tell him i will go up and tell him if anything is worth it.
the first floor (two flights up)
isn’t very interesting.
some modern paintings
some books they must have made
about architecture
and painting maybe?
so i walk back out and call down to Leo
“not very interesting.. i’m going up to the next floor”
and there i find a room filled with things Leo would love
older paintings
tons of Monstrances, Chalices, Relics, crosses…
i jump behind a window shade to see the back-stage of the town
old basket ball court
cars
old buildings
the valley stretching down…
when i finish looking at all the stuff
i go back to the stairs telling Leo to come up
but he’s gone.
so i go back in
and continue the exhibit
more bleeding christs..
apparently the spanish were really into his being scourged
i bet mel gibson’s movie went over well here
or would have a few hundred years ago..
lots of little statues with rivulets of blood running down his body…
ugh.
next room:
more choir stalls
why are they up here?
but they are beautiful
more beautiful.
i am transfixed….
there is Anistasia
there is Agustus
there is Joseph with the child
such striking faces
beautiful beards
Anton’s cowled head
so many secrets
this gives me the feeling i love about the idea of Monastery
a secret society
a place where knowledge is cultivated and imagination nurtured
turned into reality through ritual
daily
constantly
long balcony arms walk out into the church
and i look down for Leo
but see him no where…
then walk on
a room filled with their experiments
taxidermy of strange creatures
monkeys and ground things i don’t even know what they are
beautiful birds
a whole collection of different humming-bird types…
a room filled with minerals
extractions
books
instruments for discerning things
wow
a man
obtained from somewhere in france
that can be taken apart into over 2000 pieces
all labeled
to learn about the body…
each room more fascinating
i wish Leo could have seen this
but…
maybe it’s for me.
i walk down the stairs
use the toilet
(and almost get locked inside it)
then wander around the church..
where is Leo?
look
more altars.
ugh..
There’s Leo
i tell him about my excitement
but he admits he would not want to walk up those stairs
said he almost tried
but it was just too many
so
back outside.
we walk through the gentle rain
and i’m happy at my change of heart
i am very thirsty
we decide to get a beer
but get way-layed by another church-y thing…
S. Matthew or someone
beautiful
old
dark and dusty
a funeral happening at 18:00
should we come back and see if we can find a Friedel?
i am THIRSTY!
we leave
walk down the streets
where’s a bar we want to drink at
some look too fucking fancy
or too fucking heterosexual
where’s a nice pub.
and there’s one
right on that square (another one)
we go in
and wait a while for the server
in that while
decide to get a glass ov cider
seeing that it’s on tap
he serves them in special glasses that are bent funny
sitting in the back
nice little pub
kinda a sports pub
but the tv isn’t turned up loud
we sit and drink
half way through the cider
i’m feeling it
Leo wonders if there’s even alcohol in it
i can feel it…
and when it’s through
i get him a Chimay
— he doesn’t really know that brand
and my friend Nick (nDgo) introduced it to me back in ’99
memory of friend..
i have an octoberfest double brewed thing
sometimes ya need a rich heavy beer
YUM.
at this point
i’m tipsy
and well watered
we decide to head back to the hotel instead of drinking more
stopping to buy some special galician cheese (in the shape of a Tit)
and some salami… some bottles of water… and butter… and long flat stick of bread
then see another place
get cheese cake
and shredded roasted pork
and dark bread
yeah
then back to the hotel
where we lay on the bed
and have some of the tarte de quiexo
and i ask him if he’d like to hear some of Eli’s scripts
Eli sent me a script before i left from NYC
asking me what i thought of it
saying i’ll hate it
and why should he bother
and it’s true
i haven’t read the last few scripts he’s sent me
because i’ve never liked any of his movie scripts
though i used to enjoy his poetry and short stories
when i first met him
when i was fascinated and in love with him
so i read his most recent script
a re-working of the Famous Joe Project
stealing aspects from my life
and saying it’s about him
though i don’t know what he’s doing with it
where he is in it
what he’s meaning to achieve…
so i open the two other scripts he sent me
and choose the later to read to Leo
it’s a sci-fi piece
based somehow on a jewish tale about King Solomon
maybe it’s a horror story
but there is no heart in it
something terrible happens in it
but there isn’t enough context to make anyone care
Leo is bored with it
and falls asleep
i try to interest him by reading him some of the Famous Joe piece
but he just isn’t interested
i sit there for a while
and read the second one
the older one
his telling of the Jewish tale
which is more interesting
what he’s doing with how the story is presented
— but it’s not his story
maybe he should direct other people’s stories?
i loved Pinocchio Dreams…
Leo sleeps for a while
i rest
eventually
it’s night
and we need to go get something to eat…
and maybe that gay bar will be open?
let’s go there for a drink first
it’s almost 10…
the door is open
but it’s not open yet
i see them moving things around inside
we walk around
and like the looks of the restaurant next door
so go in there
get a table for two
in a room made all of stone
either wall is different
one a cobble of small stones
the other
those huge blocks
that make up the floor too
i order the local dish of Octopus
Leo gets lamb
we get a deli plate and spinach with pine nuts and raisins for starters
red wine…
the ocotopus isn’t so great
kinda tastes like cat food
while the paprika they used on the potatoes is excellent
the lamb is lovely
leo gives me some bits
and midway through the meal
Leo tells me to turn around to see Friedel…
— we’ve taken it into our lexicon..
“Friedel”
Deiter’s boy friend in Berlin
an incredibly cute, charismatic bear
gorgeous
but untouchable
all circumstance
Dieter’s boy friend, newly in love… married anyway… complex home life
so these shiny beautiful men we see along the trip that we can never have
(well mostly me)
we call them Friedel.
maybe he’s the manager of the restaurant?
this guy with black jeans on
wears his belly over his belt
close cut dark hair and full beard
bright eyes
comes into the room to get some chairs
OH!
he’s so fucking cute!
when we finish eating
i walk slowly past him
standing at the bar
talking to his friends… his colleagues
he looks up at me
smiles
beautiful face
his eyes
as Leo passes him
friedel pats him on the shoulder
maybe after closing time?
i walk outside and stare in through the window
oh Friedel!
his cute butt in his jeans
the curve of his belly
argh!
gay bar open?
the door is being pushed open by a group of four kids
girls and boys
talking to the manager
we’re waiting our turn
is it open yet?
it’s almost 11
but no
it’s not open
i talk with one of the kids who reminds me of Cosimo
cute kid
he’s been on drugs and hasn’t slept for a few days
we talk about how similar Galician “Gallego” is to Portuguese…
but not the same.
does anyone speak “Spanish” in this country?
we walk back to the bar we drank at earlier today
for a night cap
Leo get’s another wine
i get a beer, 1906 on tap
rich and heavy
the girl brings a plate of tapas
not great potato fries
little soft wieners
sections of baguette with sour soft cheese
very good
and some sautéed mushrooms with red pepper
we’re not hungry at all
but eat
and drink
and talk
get another drink
more wine
and i want to try
Añejo
…
thinking it’s a digestif
but it’s just dark rum
that’s alright.
we finish
and walk home
the internet place having closed already…
i’m getting worried:
where will i stay when Leo leaves?
i haven’t really lined anything up
not having spent much time on the internet in the last month
nor the month before i left
oops…
we head back to the hotel
and leo passes out pretty quick
i get out my computer to write…
and do so
a little bit about yesterday
but then i’m so horny
thinking about Friedel
… i look through pictures and videos
and pull myself off and up
working myself to sleep.

endless endless
i had a dream this morning where i’m eating dinner
with Leo?
some restaurant
i go looking for the toilet
i end up somewhere i’m not supposed to be
it’s a place where people are… living?
not very large rooms
but strewn with beds, mattresses, cots
covered with bodies
… alive
but terribly deformed
asian… thai? chinese?
their limbs are all the wrong size
skulls huge and misshapen
completely hairless
pail
in fact
many of them are translucent
they look almost as if they have no bones
they lull around
slightly moaning
unable to move much
… there are many rooms full of them
— i forget about the toilet
i’m horrified
an asian man approaches me
he’s very angry
– You shouldn’t be back here!
‘ What have you done! ‘
i shout at him, as if he’s the cause
” We sold our genetics to an american company for good money ”
‘ THAT IS NOT GOOD MONEY ‘
i’m terrified
is this what we’ve been eating?
i wake up nauseous
turn on my side
try and cradle my belly
but my mind just keeps playing this through over and over
and i’m not sure if i’m going to vomit
or i need to shit
i close my eyes
and see those rooms full of people
i can’t make my mind stop recounting the events
i go to the toilet and shit for about a half hour
it just keeps coming out of me
empty
i feel so much better
Leo stumbles in while i’m on the bidet
takes a piss
and we both head back to his bed
i curl around him and we sleep another two hours
—-
he gets us out of bed at 9
we have to leave at 12
so we don’t have much time to see the city
i put all my stuff away
and we rush out into town
across the street there is a church having mass
beautiful old renaissance
simple building with fantastic baroque altar
but i don’t want to take any pictures while mass is happening
we walk out
and head to cross the river
— though i’m wearing more clothes
it’s still cold
i take some pictures of another building from the same area
: this town is ancient!
we walk up to the old gate
and i fotograph that
the fat bearded conquerors holding court up there
El Cid, etc…
through there
to pay our menial entrance fee to the Cathedral
this is the oldest church i’ve been in
gothic construction with Renaissance decorations
beautiful mythical creatures everywhere
in one chapel
everything is The Hairy Man
that wild beast of humanity who lives in the forest
wow..
so many beautiful faces
beards
silly
angels pissing
i take pictures of the lantern and many of the domed ceilings in the chapels
the way the architecture comes together is __ (running out of adjectives in europe)
gotta piss, though
no WC around
i run across the square to a bar and duck into the toilet
outside
is a statue of a pilgrim (to compostela)
he also looks hairy
naked
a shell on his chest
a staff with a gourd
hmmm
back inside
we walk through the cloisters
and Leo is concerned about time now
so we rush through the museum:
too much beauty
out the shop
round the square
we stop into some shops
buy some bread, meat and water for the trip
then another shop
some sandwiches and tortilla (that is, eggs, potatoes, ham and cheese)
head back to the hotel
throw our stuff together
and head out the door
the family is not around…
so we leave the key in the door (to our room)
and head out walking..
i’m sure there is a shorter way to the train station
but Leo doubts me
and he’s stressed..
that’s alright
yesterday i was stressed and he was calm:
we got there on time
today it’s him who’s stressed
so we walk the way he feels comfortable
back up to the main street
down
back around and down to the station
when we get to our platform (2)
i see we were about 15 meters away from discovering the shortcut
damn
and the train is five minutes late.
no 1st class on this one
all Tourista
we load in
i got a window seat
but the least window seat possible
mostly just staring out the wall
so we eat our sandwiches
and i pass out..
it’s Siesta time.
the first day we got to spain i felt it
but we couldn’t
the first full day we spent here i felt it
but we couldn’t: had to see the city
yesterday on the train i felt it
so slept a bit
and today i slept a bit as well
naps around noon are excellent
half hour
two hours
whatever
it’s SO good
and it’s in the air here
i am not much of a nap person
but i feel much better
however
my window position makes me despondent
i can’t see much
so i’m mopey
non-communicative
sad and bitchy that nayland hasn’t called
he doesn’t call
sure mercury is in retrograde
but he never calls
he didn’t call last night
he didn’t call last week
he doesn’t email
and he hasn’t called me today..
he still hasn’t called me
i’m sad
and feel it’s a waste of my emotions
so i’m angry
motherfucker
i listen to Brainiac’s “Fucking with the Altimeter”
which justifies my anger
loll around in Aphex twin
til i land on “The beauty of being numb”
so jump to “At the Heart of it all”
the two tracks he .. did for nine inch nails on “further down the spiral”
that reminds me
and i slip into Tori Amos
“Baker Baker”
– i’m so sad
slide over to “past the mission”
to connect the dots
where i fall into “bells for her”
and land on “song for eric”
can’t stop loving
you
can’t stop what is coming
and it’s on its way.
..
time
thought i’d make
friends with
Time
thought we’d be
Fly——-ing.
may—–be
not
this
Time.
ugh
the countryside is beautiful
the lush green
the rushing water
the farm lands
the pine trees now
high bridges
dams
waterfalls
old houses
old old towns
where i could never live
like i could not live in zionsville
but i like to see them
imagine life there
see the men at the train station watching the train
… they’re not going anywhere
but maybe they like to see the faces?
the beautiful men
full head of steel grey hair, tuft on the chest coming out through the shirt
that nose
that gait
ha!
there’s a boy watching Leo
as i sing to him
there’s a boy watching me
but mostly watching my camera, my ipod
eeeh.
we sit and eat
the train rolls on
switches direction
we flip the seats
we sit
we ride
we wait
eat chocolate
drink wine
throw away the moldy bread
on we roll
and now it’s night
so i have time to write
and we should be arriving in about 15 minutes…
——————————————————————-/
so
it’s raining
so
i get a map
so
we get a taxi
and fuck this shit
i tell the guy to take us to the centre of town
we’ll find a place from there
but as we drive into the town
i’m a bit confused
imagining Santiago de Compostela as a quiet pilgrim town
i’m confused by the traffic jam
it’s friday night
but all these cars
all these crap shops
where are we?
we pass hotels
‘ hotel ‘
i murmur
the driver echos it
‘ no, no hotel, hostal, HOSTAL ‘
i say
he explains to me that he sometimes works at a hostal
and should he take me there?
Yes!
right next to the cathedral
the Forest cafe/bar/hostal
but it’s full.
and that place down the street?
they don’t answer the bell
and the hotel behind them?
“complete”
yeah.
ok
we drive on
round a corner
down a ramp
… are these streets
i tell him to stop
there’s a hotel..
i go in
ask
Yeah, they got a room
€62 a night
… Alright.
we take it
give the driver a 10€ and walk up the three flights of stairs.
attic room
“Charlie Chaplain”
we passed up Isadora Duncan
“impossibly long white scarves”
(magnetic fields “Jeremy”)
low ceiling all at odd angles
one window
looks up at the chimney and the roof of some old building
like the window in Matthew Baine ‘s room…
(maybe he’ll google his name and find me again?)
i crack it for air
we lay down a minute
then head out the door
looking for food
what’s open?
it’s after 9
though we keep thinking this is late
it’s dinner time in Spain…
where no body speaks spanish
hmmm
we find a place just down the street
special of Cordero
ok…
get some beer
some wine
lamb chops
young lamb
young blood
sweet meat
young
blood
i keep saying things far too mean
i want to communicate everything
but it’s the wrong time
and i’m drinking
never have i drank so much
i drink with Leo constantly
it’s air
our food goes down
what can i say?
excellent fries
really fucking good
yummy lamb too
good rich beer, 1906
the old guy working the restaurant seems like an itinerant drunk
long beard, but spacey face
when he says good night to us
it almost sounds like italian…
we waddle back up to our apartment
and lay in bed a while
talking
then i decide to go out and see the town
it’s not cold
but there is wind
it’s not raining
though everything is wet
i don’t have the map on me
so i watch closely where i am going
feel things out
try and follow the route the taxi took
coz i wanted to see that area
and i’m nearly back there
but reach a town square
and there are people out
not tons..
this city is amazing
this old part
all the winding streets
everything done in brick
everything so dark
churches everywhere
i walk down a big street (big for midaevil streets… small)
noticing a man and woman standing at a window
curious and touching something on the glass
i look up
and it’s a big monitor
— they’re sending an email from the street
is there an internet cafe around?
i walk
following the flow of people
not that there are many
but seeing where they’re going..
they all look like they’re coming from somewhere…
like they’re all going home
but are they?
it’s a Friday night…
once again
my expectations about this being a devout town
clashes with the reality of the world
…
maybe they’re going out dancing
doing drugs
getting drunk…
i wander
now working on supposition
assuming i understand the layout enough to get myself back to where i came from
a group of kids approach me
the one who speaks to me
pale milky skin, a bush or red hair curling round his head
a face still in his teens..
i can tell his words are a practiced spanish… not his native tongue
he’s asking me where something is
i smile
and in a shmultzy deep voice, accentuating my American
i say
“i wouldn’t know”
then, in spanish
– i am also visiting. have a good night
he thanks me
i walk past some bars
filled with kids
and like a change of wind
feel i’ve had enough
so head back to the hotel
head up the stairs
Leo is asleep
i close the shade on the window
and
fall into sleep…

for every morning we can
we sleep late
last night was the first night in a while
we drank a lot
so we rolled around in bed a while
this is the first night in a while we’ve shared the same bed that had no division as well
the beds in germany and czech were two separate mattresses put together
so i woke many times this morning
as Leo would wake
pull me to him
or pet me
or cuddle me
and wake me
and the fits and spurts of snoring
i was awake
despite closing the curtains
around 9
but it was a while to get us really up and going
groggy
we hadn’t made any plans for today
and today is the day we intended to leave Barcelona…
where to?
we thought Santiago de Compostela
but it’s all the way across the country
certainly we couldn’t make that in one day unless we left earlier than… now
… and we didn’t even know where the train station was
because we came in on ferry
so the groggy
drinking water
gradually crescendoed into frantic packing and planning
more frantic on my part than his
but i was on line
posting the journal entries i’d written but not transfered
and looking at schedules and layouts
we got out of the hostal by 11:30
after i’d run down the block
and grabbed four sandwiches from the little café we’d enjoyed so much
and two bottles of water from a little grocery
it took a while to get a cab
and i was worried
but we got our cab
the driver seeming annoyed and taciturn
he just gave us a €1.80 surcharge just because
it didn’t take long at all to get to the Estacion Sants
and it wasn’t too confusing
we got our reservations
figuring out where we were gonna
go
– ‘ Leo… where are we gonna go? ‘
i pointed to the half-way point on the map and told him to pick a city
he picked Burgos… coz he’d heard it was interesting
train leaving at 12:30.. arriving at 21:04
oh boy
a full day on the train
… through Spain…
he got some coffee
i changed some money
$ is 1.29 for a €
ugh
and we went down to get on the train
the train was about 23 cars long
maybe longer
we were in car 22
there’s a dining car after
then another tourist class car
our reservations put us side by side in the aisle
a balding woman on my left by the window
she kept the curtains closed
most of the car was empty
so i got up to sit by a window on the right side of the train (north)
Leo was sitting next to a cute bearish gay boy
so he chatted and got to look through a National Geographic… with pictures of Burgos!
the city passed by
and i got out my iPod and played the little playlist i had created on the Ferry
namely
Barcelona – Rufus Wainwright
Song for Lorca – Apostle of Hustle
Jane Says – Jane’s Addiction (nothing’s shocking, xxx, and kettle whistle versions)
it was a meditation on my past:
in indiana
in my desperation
i would say
“let’s go to spain”
when asked what to do with the day
the idea of
kicking a habit
(that would never be kicked)
saving money to go live in your dreams
always starting to live your dreams tomorrow
that’s what indiana felt like..
i swore i’d never come to spain for a small trip
so i’m here with Leo and month
two weeks on my own
then another week with Joshua
i’m finally in spain
spain rolls by
Barcelona rolls by
the different layers of the city
Rufus Wainwright says
“even if that straw
i pull
and i have to fight
that bull
Nothing really does Compare
to…
Barcelona..”
here i am
fighting that bull
and what does it matter?
a city so easy to be in love with
so beautiful
so many beautiful people
pleasant to walk around
sit around
do whatever
i’m happy i will come back and spend another week here.
out in the country side
the mountains
the landscape
everything’s so green
spring here
green
the red dirt
the sharp mountains
and i notice out of my eye
the ocean on the left
yeah
we’re going along the ocean!
so i switch to the left side of the train
and watch the forever liquid diamonds
the train rolls on
we wind up through old towns
i can’t fotograph it all
and i’m tired
moon in last quarter
mercury almost stationary
i should be in bed for a few days
where are we going?
around 16:00
Leo and i go to the dining cart to get some sandwiches; red wine
a boy is in there
with long shaggy hair
a broken arm
full cast, even finger splint
other arm all bruised
his big doey eyes…
back pack made of cheap nylon, bright yellow and gray
he pulls out his wallet
same material
bright blue
he’s wearing a black t-shirt with the sleeves ripped off
and worn jeans
he’s trailer trash
he’s an american youth!
but he’s not..
he’s spanish
he’s looking at me
and i would walk over to that trailer park
Horseshoe Drive
just like i did to see Jason when i was 11
take off our clothes
sit naked under the blanket together
playing Nintendo in his closet
grabbing eachother, fondling eachother, smelling eachother
cuddling in bed
not talking about it
nothing’s happening
here’s that trailer trash kid
honey
what happened to you?
did you crash your bike?
did you get in a fight with your drunk dad again?
run away from home
sitting in the dining cart?
he buys a bottle of some conspicuous red drink
pours it in a glass with ice
sniffs the empty bottle
then puts it in his bag
holding the fabric with his teeth to zip the zipper
what are you going to do?
Leo and i chat
eat our crispy bred sandwiches of egg and potato
variations on ham
then sit back down
watch Spain roll by
i say it
“España”
just to hear it
to mean it
to be it
here i am
going through
we stop in a small town
Castejón
and the train separates
the front half pulls off
leaving for San Sebastian
and France
we two will go on
breaking once again later
our half to Salamanca, the other to Bilbao
i walk around taking pictures of the other passengers
the light of the setting sun
the wires in the sky
the bull-dog businessmen and security guards
who tell me i have to put my camera away
and now the sun is setting
so i get out my computer
and write about what’s happened.
——————————/
standing on the platform at Logroño
a stocky man with a thick dark mustache watches the train
he’s got those crutches that have supports at the elbows
he stands akimbo
breathing heavily
his chest heaving
the sky nearly darkened to black behind him
————————/
we arrived into Burgos a half hour behind schedule
and knew absolutely nothing of the town
so
got our reservations for tomorrow’s train (leave at 12:13)
and asked where the hotels were
[in spanish]
walk out front, take a right, there are many.
so we did
the rain had stopped
but the late spring had regressed back to early spring
up in these mountains
where ever we were
it was cold!
we walked along a boulevard
many cars still out
the bright lights of expensive hotels
— this is a stop along the Camino Real to Compostela
= Tourism.
i get a gut feeling
and suggest we turn down a sleepy street
there are some bars
and lots of nothing
one block
and Leo thinks we may have hit a dead end
i cross the street
and see a Hostal on the next block
so on we walk
.. it looks like it’s in a combination office/residential building
door’s open
but the elevator is too small for both of us to fit with all of our stuff
so i ride up first
and knock on the door labeled “Hostal”
a nice woman answers the door
could be my mother…
she’s someone’s mother
yes
there is one of her kids
— she speaks no english
but welcomes me in
gives me the keys
shows me the room
€33 for both of us for one night.
Alright.
i go back out and let Leo in
he pays; gives her his passport
her children think he is Papa Noel
indeed.
we unload our stuff
and head out into the city to find food
it’s cold
it’s 22hrs
we’re tired
and
under dressed
the city is under construction
where do we go?
i suggest we walk towards the cathedral
figuring there will be some tourist restaurant still open
and i’m right
there’s one
and some pub food.
we walk through the midaevil gate
beautiful
opening into the court yard with the dominating cathedral and palace
cloister?
what is this?
i’m very excited
this place is beautiful…
but we’re hungry
we look at a tourist restaurant
but it’s empty..
though it looks like it’s still open
… Leo wanted to check out another one we saw around the corner walking up
so we walk back around
and it’s actually the same place
odd..
the woman welcome’s us
then ushers us down stairs
through a hall
another room
table strewn with old wine
through another small hallway
a few more stairs
into the empty room we saw from the other side a few minutes ago.
OK.
we order the Meat Tourist Menu
though they advertise that they speak english and german
neither the hostess nor our waiter speaks english
he shows us the menu
and we pretty much pick things arbitrarily
though Leo is pretty sure that “Cordero” is some sort of lamb..
the other option
we got from comparing menus
was actually “baby suckling pig”
— we’ve had enough pork.
so the first course is chorizo and some blood sausage stuffed with rice
interesting.
some wine.
then bread/sausage/egg soup
soft boiled egg, poached in the soup
very good
then the meal comes out
and it looks to me like poultry
turkey?
duck?
hard crispy skin
Leo is sure it’s some sort of lamb
but the meat is white
and it could be turkey..
but has a gamey end-taste
what is Cordero?
is it duck?
look at all the fat?
but it’s strange
i eat
laughing..
What is this?
” it’s good: eat it ”
Leo says
we ask the waiter
but he cannot explain
so he sends out the owner
who
to me
looks Mafioso
slicked back hair
glasses
suit and tie
short and stocky
big smile
patient manner
he explains it’s a regional dish
: baby milk-fed lamb
wow.
the meat is still white coz it’s never eaten anything.
good.
then they finish the meal with fresh cheese.
though the place was empty when we got there
two more tables fill up as we’re eating
.. i guess we were just early
but it makes it annoying
we have that typical american trouble of wanting to leave when we’re done eating
which in europe and Latin countries
just doesn’t happen
… you just sit there a long time chatting
Leo and i are tired
and want to see a bit of the city…
impatient
but we get the bill eventually
pay it
and walk
the cathedral formidable
what is/was this place?
it’s cold
it’s too cold
so we head back along the opposite side of the river
(river running through town, we’re staying on the other side of it.. there are grassy banks along side of it accessible occasionally through the rock walls:
cruising heaven in warm weather… even Spartacus says so… but it’s obvious to our eyes )
along the walk
i notice the one bar listed as gay friendly
and we walk in
a local band has just finished
this place is the hipster hang out
everyone’s wearing horizontal stripes
and a few queers are apparent
the owner?
he’s a small framed guy
with a big belly
men who look like that
wear their bellies like an accessory
it doesn’t blend into their visage
it’s something that sticks out
makes you have to notice their body
their sensuality
like a fucking codpiece…
Leo gets a wine
i get some herbal liquor i’ve never tried before
we sit and drink and talk and watch and listen
but yes
we’re tired
so we walk home
Leo opens the box of wine he bought earlier today
(eesh)
and drinks
i plug all my things in
charge my lap top
ipod
camera
cuddle with Leo for a while
burn one of my bees wax candles that i made in NYC
this place is so homey
we fall asleep sometime after 1.

i woke
wondering if it was 5 am
or 10 am?
bodies
moving
changing shapes
he felt a bit business-like this morning
lots to do
but i must touch him
must massage him a bit
and the sex happens again
more to the point this time
still beautiful
and grateful
so i SMS Leo
and tell him where to meet me:
in front of the Church
take a shower
and have some Tea
it’s been lovely
but i must be gone
see you next time i’m in town?
i walk down to the church
Throngs of tourists
Ugh.
where’s Leo?
whenever i’m on time
the person i’m meeting is late.
so it’s 10:45, he’s 15 minutes late
and i call him
he’s totally turned around
lost
sorry
oops
i’ve been the navigator the entire time we’ve been traveling
so i feel he’s just slid into following me around
i thought it would be nice to have him discover himself through the city to me
but instead
i tell him to wait for me back there
at the Café we ate at yesterday, we decide
and i get back on the Metro
easier this time
i meet him
sit and have an omelette sandwich with him
a cup of tea
then back to the room
toilet
unloading the new phone stuff from my pocket
taking my jacket off
so strange
to go from wearing the big down coat under the orange rain jacket
with long underwear
and three shirts
dropped the Long Johns in Italy
the three shirts and the down coat on the ferry
and now i’m wearing just one shirt, my safari jacket
i wear the orange rain jacket out
but it’s too beautiful
and i forgot my camera
Leo waits for me
as i go back
and leave the jacket behind
when i meet Leo he tells me Bush has decided to shirk his responsibility for the War in Iraq
saying it will go on til the presidency is out of his hands
and the next president will have to clean it up
Great
how American
we head off down Casanova
following the map through the streets
til the grid dissolves and we’re in the midaevil part of the city
the old walled city..
we spend a few hours walking around
get to go up on the roof of the Old Cathedral
but i was feeling kinda tired
kinda ill even
and Leo’s feet were hurting
so after a few hours
we got on a Metro
that happened to drop us off one block from that Sauna
and went in again
i just needed some healing time
but a million beautiful spanish Daddies… what could i do?
the men are very appealing to my eye here… in Spain, not just the sauna
i see so many beautiful faces
longish hair
longish beards
the eyes
the skin
thick, stocky men
wow, what will bear week be like here?
beautiful..
but in the sauna today
i feel like i just need to rest
but i’m snatched up immediately
a very furry guy
but he just really wants me to fuck him
and it freaks me out
shows up my weakness
my danger
i’m scared
i’m very sad
he’s driven
driven
ugh
i finish him off
and have an interesting connective burst with him
then shower
and there’s another beautiful face
another beautiful man
and he takes me to a room
and it’s the same
he’s beautiful
but so insecure about his dick
he won’t let me touch it
it’s little, yes
but every time i reach for it
he covers it
shields it with his hand
it doesn’t get hard
and it’s tiny
and he just wants me to fuck him
and has no condom
i’m scared
and i’m so sad
and i’m so sad.
i don’t want to know this
i don’t want to remember this
i just want to heal people
heal myself
heal the world
am i broken?
are my tools shattered?
am i all wrong?
what am i to do?
he lays
staring into my eyes
desperate love
and speaks no english
i speak more spanish than he speaks english
oy.
we go up to the bar for some water
he drinks Coke
and Leo is seconds behind
with a bear-boy
a type i have identified as the cub-equivalent of the party girl
who has the bear tattoos, you know
the nipple rings
the perfect facial hair
those doey eyes
and are just focused on collecting the hot men
and making money
— this guy loves Las Vegas and LA
and talks about pyramid schemes he uses to make money
and the bear organizations he sets up parties for
ugh
i’m sad
i’m disconnected
superdisconnected
i leave the beautiful man i can’t communicate with
and go looking for more
but it’s sad
all of a sudden
all the beauty is sad
i am a pariah or something
a secret pariah
what am i to do?
i go to the sauna
and there’s sex everywhere
a beautiful black boy wants me to suck his dick
and a heavy big bellied furry daddy wants me to suck his dick
and a tall fit thick-dicked older daddy wants me to suck his dick
and he takes me to a cabin
and jacks off while holding me
grinding his teeth
that awful sound
(bang bang)
the grinding of teeth!
my jaw, my teeth hurt just now thinking of it!
he cums
i cum
what am i doing?
i go to the sauna
and try to sweat it out
but i’m too tired
it’s too hot
the sauna behind the sauna
ignoring the men wanting sex
i go shower
Leo comes and asks if i’ll sit in the hot tub with him
but i don’t want to smell like that
he wants to sit a while longer
good for his legs
i go back to the sauna
the beautiful black boy comes in
and kisses my chest
i tell him i need to focus on yoga
but he can watch
so he does
he sits and admires
while i do
plow
bridge
down/up dog
cobra
bow
down/up dog
camel
child
and then back to the cold shower
Leo and i check out
walk down the street
i stop in an grocery and buy two bottles of water
one is almost gone by the time we get back to the hostal
but there is a bar the bear-boy had told Leo about
so i send Leo to that bar
and drop off the stuff at the Hostal
then go back to the bar
… thinking it is going to be a quiet “bear night happyhour” at a bar
i walk through the door
and it’s PACKED
SHIT
beautiful men everywhere!
oh no!
i rush into the crowd
looking for a gap to buy a beer
— they had great dark beers at the sauna
some kid says
“it’s Jesus!”
and i make eye contact with him
and he’s terrified when he sees the look in my eyes
“i’m so sorry! i didn’t mean that to be an insult, i didn’t mean to be mean, i’m so sorry. you’re beautiful. you have a very interesting look. please do not be insulted… i just don’t ever seem someone like you”
i accept his apology and tell him no hard feelings, i just get it all the time
where’s Leo?
i get a beer
of course
this is a gay bar
they only have Schwill.
fine
look at all these beautiful men!
the hottest, roundest, furriest, daddiest, bearist guys are talking to women
of course
where’s Leo?
i walk back to the front of the bar
he’s there
right by the door
we missed eachother
he’s with the bear boy
so we’re talking
when we were leaving the sauna
i SMS’d a guy i’d met on bear411 (i think) three years ago
a cute bear from ecuador
i emailed him a month before i left NYC
and he gave me his number
so i messaged him
told him i’d be here for a drink
he said he’d meet me
and he walks right in as soon as i’m up front
Hello!
he talks with his friends
shortly
we go upstairs in the back
where it’s quiet
and talk
he wants to travel and be free like me
what do you say?
you have to give up comforts
he has, he says
you have to believe in yourself
but more so
you have to believe that there is someone who loves you that is helping you
i say
my life is a story
and it has to be interesting
and though i am the writer
i am also the character
so
as the character
i have to be blind to things
to be surprised
to keep the story interesting for myself
and the other readers
so i can play the part
sincerely
as the writer
i am infinitely powerful and knowledgeable
but i don’t know that
i have to trust it
i tell him i made the decision when i was about 18
that i hated money
and didn’t want to pay for my life with Money
i wanted to pay for my life with my life
meaning
that most people spend an inordinate amount of time doing things they wouldn’t do otherwise, but they get paid
time of your life = money
then they take the money and try to make their lives more interesting with it
i cut out that whole middle step
and went to make my life interesting by paying with my life
only recently have i been able to include money in my life in a positive way
even that has the same pitfalls everyone else has with money
just not as deep.
(really? __)
so Leo comes up
the bear-boy having left
and i leave the two to talk
as that boy who called me Jesus
then gave me a free drink ticked when i walked back past him coming up stairs
he said he was leaving and wanted me to have it
free vodka
but it was a cooler, you know
the guy was out of smirnoff
so gave me a bicardi breezer
hmmm
R. decides to have dinner with us
and takes us not to an expensive restaurant
but a spanish place where all the bears eat
good food
lots of food
pretty cheap
i eat eggplant covered with strange meat blend
and rabbit!
Leo eats muscles and lamb
lovely
a beautiful tall guy sits alone at a table behind us
Leo says he was attracted to him immediately when he saw him in the bar
they were flirting with eachother
we were out of wine
i told Leo to go sit with him
he was sitting alone!
and had a whole bottle of wine he’d love to share..
the guy turns around and looks at me
“and,” i say ” he understands english well, so you won’t have trouble communicating with him!”
i’m very giddy
from the sauna and beer and drink
but Leo is shy
in situations like that, i guess
he goes to the toilet upstairs
then comes back down
to talk to the handsome tall man…
but comes back to our table quickly
why?
the guy is deaf.
oh
ok.
hmmm
psychic
like any other deaf guy i’ve meet
they can’t afford the luxury of ignoring their feelings like us talkie folk can
dinner’s done
we head out to the After Dinner Bear Bar
which is three doors down from our Hostal
i spend the next hour or so continuing the Lecture of Traveling for my friend R
it feels good to be able to give some instruction on something i know well
and i hope what i tell him is useful
but at this point
i’ve drank too much
and don’t remember the details
the bar is pretty empty
but it fills up slightly
interesting folk
i drink a fernet
order a jack daniel’s for Leo
the guy puts a huge ice cube in there (just one, as Leo likes it)
and pours easily three or four shots in there
wow
before the night is over
Leo has drank three or four of those
cuddled with the beautiful deaf guy
but chose not to go home with him
while i talked with an american from near san diego
who identified me as Californian
and told me he couldn’t be bothered to speak spanish
doesn’t even speak english well
attractive to me
in that
“ah, back home” kinda way
but
would i like this guy as a friend?
he introduces me to a Croatian friend of his who’s a writer
handsome fellow
who writes down a few croatian authors i could read
he tells me he’s not a writer
just a journalist
has no book in him
what he would like to write
he couldn’t
so he won’t waste his time writing a book that doesn’t need to be written
we get into a discussion about this
and i’m smoking cigarettes with him
and drinking another Fernet
but by the time Leo’s friend leaves
and Leo’s over by us
he starts dominating the conversation
and i notice i am expired
so i stand up
and say good night
leaving no room for discussion
i walk out the door
over to the hostal
unlock the door
take the lift up two floors
into our room
grab my computer
start to down load email
post things
look up train schedules
think of calling my family
and the battery dies
Leo gets back
we
collapse
into bed
somewhere after 2…

so the driver woke up around 6 something
climbed down his ladder
maybe i was waiting for this all night
i propped myself up to watch his red body moving
into the toilet
debating should i go in there with him
listening to the sounds
but i didn’t
and he went back to bed
and i lay there a while
then looked at the clock
and decided i might catch the sunrise
oh
but we’ve been heading west
hmmm
by the time i got outside
quarter to seven
the sun had risen
not that i could see the sun
the heavy clouds
i stared out at the endless water
the ripples left by the boat
yeah
alright.
i went back to bed.
——————-/
Leo got up 9 something
turning on all the lights
sometimes
so graceless
everyone turning over in their beds
he took a shower
left the room
leaving his light on
….
i wrestled myself back to sleep
eventually
horny again for the driver
i worked myself…
but Leo came back in
we talked a little in whispered tones
he went off to read
i did some energy play
feeling the fat man’s body
using that sensation to get myself to an ideal
feeling my body flesh out
fill up
then locked my bhandas
and rode the waves…
fine
enough
got up
took a shower
noticed the driver rubbing his belly, pale belly showing through red flanel…
put on my clothes
grabbed my camera, now charged
… took a picture of his hand in the InfraRed
and headed out on to the ship…
found a quiet not-too-windy table on the deck where i could still see the water
and began to write
while listening to Belly’s “White Belly”
——-/
and now it’s 13:27
and i’ve finally caught up with all the journaling i want to do
i slacked off a lot in prague
but now i’ve written it all
and finally finished all the Peru trip as well
( i had a day left, day 5, in my hand-written journal that i’d not typed in yet )
all done
and we should be arriving in Barcelona in about an hour
so i’m going to go walk around
and watch the land come to greet us
—————————-/
it was beautiful
coming into Port
and then?
we lugged our bags
through the beautiful sunshine
sweating
wondering where to go
Leo fingured he needed to look at a map
i was feeling like just walking and finding an internet spot and researching on the internet:
the place we thought we’d be staying
(an internet contact Leo had made through scatboi)
had fallen through
we paused
we looked through maps
we walked
we stopped at a pay phone
we got strange messages in catalan we couldn’t understand
we walked
into the Easy Internet cafe
and found places
places
we called a number from his 2003 spartacus guide
it was €46 a night
Ok
but it had moved location
we booked
and walked
just as it started to rain
all taxis full
but it was a gentle rain
where’s the snow?
i led the way
i am the navigator
heart of the gay district
on Casanova street, ya know
beautiful
the endlessly beautiful buildings
we checked in
some room on a floor in a building that other normal people were living in
yeah
right in
resting a moment
finding an internet signal
then going out
for a pastry
some tea, coffee for Leo
a little café
the two women working the shop
Leo said
” looks like they eat all the left overs ”
their accent… what is that?
the words they’re using?
i don’t recognize the spanish..
Catalan, eh?
brick walls, vaulted ceiling
simple.
nice
we walk around
a walk around
got a Movistar mobile number
called DadBCN, a guy i’d met on line
Marc
i offered that we all meet up for a conversation and dinner
he made it clear he would rather meet me alone
so i SMS’d him and told him we’d be having dinner first
“oh, ok, so around 22hrs?”
yeah
Leo and i went to find the Sauna Bruch
a longer walk than we suspected
but on the intersecting street as our Hostal
so not complicated
we got there a little after 7
and most everyone was leaving
but as i was taking my clothes off
a surly 60 something guy pursed his lips at me and grabbed his crotch
as he was getting dressed
i nodded
and he undid his dressing
and led me to a little cabin
on the way
another guy gave me the eye
this old man
he play one
didn’t take long before he was done
with a knick-knack puddy-wack
out the door he went
and the other man
is soon equally spent
two in a row, eh?
well…
i walk back to the lockers
and an incredibly cute round man
round eyes
he greets me with his face
i walk up to say hello
i think he calls me Marco
i try to tell him my name is Dominic
he says What?
i say
Domenico
we have a staggered long conversation
he asked me how i knew his name
his name
which is my name
the same name
well well
he was just leaving
but says he’ll make a call
and meet me down stairs
i take a shower
walk around
check the place out
simple
nice
all old men
hot.
Domenico meets me
takes me to a room
and we spend an hour … talking
cuddling
playing
pleasing eachother
but it’s late
he’s gotta get going
i stop my pursuits
pretty pleased
and knowing i’ll be meeting Marc later
i head to the sauna to stretch out my tired body
empty
i lay down
tepid
hmmm
the old man working the desk comes in
obviously cleaning the place
Leo saw me on the way here and told me we were the only two people left in here
nearly
the old man opens a door i didn’t notice
it’s a sauna behind the sauna
and that sauna is actually hot
so i move back there
very well
good sweat
good yoga
i pour cold water from the hose on myself
the old man scolds me
and shows me the shower in the corner is the Fria
ok ok
i’m ready
Leo and i get ready to go
and we decide he will eat alone
and i will just figure out how to get to Marc
i walk up the Passiege de Graciá and notice a Gaudí house right there
wow
such strange waves
very fairy tale
here in the night…
i buy a sandwich at a place called Pans & company
though i’m very thirsty
i don’t see a place to buy water
and i’m hungry too
try anything, right?
it’s like a spanish SUBWAY
ugh
mistake mistake
if i saw a homeless guy outside i would have just given it to him
but i was hungry
so i ate it
and went down into the Metro
hmmm
how do i get to Marc?
he’s at the Sacrada Famila
(the big Gaudí church)
i look at the maps
ok
simple
L2
but L2 is a walk
about 15 minutes up and down stairs
platforms
turns
tunnels
Argh!
but i get there
very nice system
the LED signs count down the time til the next train
it takes no time at all to get to him
though i thought it was far away
it was only three stops
the church is amazing
Gaudí, eh?
i walk around til i find his street
and walk up it til i find his number
and push his button
and climb his stairs
and he opens the door for me
and i am a lucky man
he’s standing in turquoise sweat pants and shirt
not the sexiest clothing
but his face
bald pate
thick dark eye brows
bushy thick grey beard with nice colouring
deep dark eyes
wide nose
and a smile
it’s pretty simple
i take my jacket off
walk back to his room
small flat anyway
sit on his bed
he gets me some water
i take my shoes off
and
worship him
it’s the rubbing of the skin
removing clothes
on my knees
pressing my face to his belly
thick legs
muscular body
wide chest
nice fur
skin scaring all along his right leg from a motocycle crash
smooth and shiny
and spots on his back
most of the next few hours in non-verbal
it’s him being a Dad and me being a Boy
whatever that entails
it is a dynamic
and we are a good match
there is no talk of me having to leave
and yes
he invites me to spend the night
(as Leo had suspected)
so i sms Leo, letting him know
and cuddle up with Marc to talk about the USA
and Spain
and how Barcelona is one of the great cities of the world
and how even the European union is going to collapse financially pretty soon… but not as quickly as America
and how hard it is to have a lover
to be a lover
there is a passion between us
and he is a joy to look at and touch
but i feel his heart is closed
i feel my heart is closed
and so we are together for the night
enjoying the sex
and feeling the idea of feeling
the idea of feeling
the desire for feeling
he turns off the soft salt lamp in his room
and
we sleep well.

silly me
i didn’t go to sleep til 2 last night
started playing with the iPod
putting more of the music i wanted on it
but i had to drain the battery first
so i played the videos of me and my italian friend.. and my friend in WV
… i came twice
eventually
got to sleep
woke up around 8 something
my inner thighs so sore..
spring is coming!
i’ve been preparing for it
inadvertently
all this yoga in the saunas
that’s the part of the saunas that’s been really good for me
but damn
when i start doing yoga and haven’t for a while
it makes me So sore…
so my inner thighs hurt
i lay in bed
belly to the mattress
opening my thighs as wide as a can
feeling the stretch
Leo and i talk a bit
shower
head down for breakfast..
compared to the german breakfast we had yesterday in Munich
i’m severely dissapointed
well yes, this hotel is one of those soulless hotels
it’s a gaudy sham
but also
in italy
there is no whole wheat bread..
that’d be poor, right?
ugh
so it’s all this white bread
and sweet stuff
i have yogurt and granola
i have two prunes
a bite of cheese cake, which is way too sweet
some eggs of unnatural orange colour
and some meats and cheeses
— italy and their hard cheeses
s’ok.
i don’t eat much
i go back to the room while Leo’s still eating and drinking coffee
lay on the bed a moment
then start packing
when Leo gets back
i decide to take my computer out to that hot spot i found last night just a block away
send/recieve email
and post my journal entries
it’s a beautiful day
sunny
and in contrast to last night
this corner is bustling
there’s people everywhere
so i’m crouched on the sidewalk trying to get all the data moved
no one hassles me
and people stare at me all the time anyway
i go to head back to the hotel
and notice banks..
strange about these banks..
they’ve all got double doors
you can go through one
then it locks before you’re allowed to go through the other
some sort of crime prevention
but it matters naught:
they won’t change money there
so back to the hotel
we check out
and leave our luggage
head out into the city.
i walked around Bologna a few times back in 2002
— it’s a beautiful city
i fell in love with the statue of Neptune in the main square
.. i remember fantasizing about him and doing masturbation rituals with him
ah, Neptune, my ideal lover
endlessly old
strong as the ocean
infinitely huge
that thick grey beard
and eyes like Nayland’s
eyes to drown in…
we walk through the old gallery streets
everything ancient and gorgeous
everything dilapidated
everything beautiful
beautiful.
we go in some churches, of course
and it’s hard to take pictures of things
everything so close..
find a gellateria
but it’s not amazing like that one Niccola took me to those years ago
where is that one?
this one’s OK
some lemon, some chocolate
OK
not amazing.
we go by the huge palace
we go to the main square
my heart bursts to see Neptune
and i take 15 minutes taking a million pictures of him
too bad
high-noon, full sun
i won’t be able to get his softness in his strength
too much contrast
not the magic hour
Leo waiting on me
jealous of my love for this old deity…
we walk around the old cathedral, which is closed for reservation
we walk through old squares
heading back to the station
both of us tired
approaching the old city tower
huge
looming over everything..
how does anything in Italy survive?
how come it all looks like it’s on the brink of crumbling?
we sit and have a slice of pizza
well, i do
about € … but excellent
black currant juice
yeah
simple
back to the hotel
to the train station
i gotta pee
you gotta pay here
but as i go to pay
a guy leaving holds the gate for me so i can go in for free
the WC manager is angry about that
so i go back out and pay
fine
get to the train
get on the train
my seat is stacked with luggage
i remove it
and build a wall with it
nesting into my corner
no plugs here..
oh, one behind my seat!
but it’s broken.
fine
ride.
battery on the camera is nearly dead
battery on the computer is nearly dead
but hey
the iPod is charged
be arriving in Rome in about a half hour
then another 30 minute lay over
then 45 minutes to Civitavecchia
with about an hour before our Ferry leaves for Barcelona.
today is a hazy day
as we were leaving Bologna
the clear sunny sky closed
and it’s got heavier as we’ve ridden down
haze
so i’m seeing some of the suburbs
the old houses
the farm houses
fields
hills
but it doesn’t compare to the Alps..
if i lived in europe
i would live near the Alps
Switzerland… Southern Germany.. hey, maybe Austria
great place to visit other places from
here we are
heading down
—————————/
the ride out to Civitavecchia was alright
but we were both very tired
Leo would point out things to me
ruins
St. Paul’s… or was it Peter’s?
my eyes sleepy
worn out
washed out
i listened to music and let the scenery roll by
we were late
but of course the train-ticket-controller didn’t know how long, pointed at our ticket time
when would we arrive?
we got up at the right time
stood in the gang for 15 minutes
as the ocean came into view
and rolled by.
at the station
we saw nothing clear about getting to the Ferry
so we asked a Taxi driver
: 3Kms. €.
Ok.
his son was… developmentally different than “normal”?
very excited we spoke english
he asked us a few times
but didn’t speak it.
the short ride to the port
as we drove through the docks
a beautiful neptune face i would have liked to have capture
and the million sailors
oh, i was panting
simple enough
checked in
found our boat
walking through the cargo trucks
not-user-friendly
obviously more of its money is on the shipping end…
but the boat was like a fucking cruise ship
huge
fancy
silly
it was filled with about 800 20-somethings
kinda scary
chubby guy sitting at a casio near the bar
playing video-game approximations of popular tunes
occasionally barking a few words to the lyrics in his microphone
trip
had some beer
watched the men
wondered how i could be a lot lizard with these truckers?
the “driver’s club”, a special room for them to hang out in…
walking back near the door
everything smelled like gasoline
but they just sat in there
some alone
some together
some talking
some just staring off
Leo and i had dinner
battling through the mercury retrograde fog
laughing through it better this time
then
hey
off to bed, i guess
but i wasn’t really ready for slep
though so tired
and after 22:00
i sat and played with the computer
the room we were staying in
oh yeah
it’s a 4 bed cabin
two beds a few feet off the floor
singles
the other two
folded into the walls
when we first got there
we were the only ones
wondered if we’d be the whole ride
but later
we saw someone else’s bag
this last time we walked back in
there was a man in bed
in big red pajamas
his big dark trucker’s hands
he asked us if we were drivers
his cute chubby italian face
marriage band
dark curly hair
big big red pajamas
oh
so i lay underneath him
and came
that was nice
then worked on my web page a while
and figured
around 23:30
that i should have one more spin around the ship
the cheesy loung had turned into a dance party
of course
the driver’s club had turned into an office for some corporate convention geeks
the casino was still busy
well
alright
back to bed
kiss Leo
who was having trouble sleeping, i guess
lay in bed
the whole ship humming
swaying slightly
surfing over the fishes
sleeping
i’ve always wanted to be a sailor…
this will be the longest time i’ve ever spent on a boat:
20 hours.

I wish i could take pictures of everything
but these windows are too dirty…
the endless fields of Snow..
these are only interesting passing them on a train
living among them can be oppressive
as Uli, the man in the sauna last night told me
“it’s the end of winter, the snow is grey: it is not the most beautiful time to be here”
the soul dies
dying
that’s what’s winter’s about
the soul dies
happiness and hope and imagination
all goes to sleep
we’re only a few days away from the Equinox, of course
i know it will all change
but that’s what i am
someone who is transient and knows all is transient
only being able to keep that presence by remaining IT.
he lives here
among the oppressive
beautiful
snow fields
someday they’ll be green..
next time i see them.
i’d take pictures of everything
the man with his son
playing with Legos…
what language are they speaking?
is it russian? polish? italian? wouldn’t i know that?
is it german? some austrian variation? some swiss?
but they are so blond
look much more slavic..
but that jacket, small checks, on the yellow-brown tone
and the way he wears his shirt open
blue
unbuttoned at the top, large lapels coming over the suit-coat
hairy chest undeniably visible
i can’t help but see it
his tired eyes
and how he has patience with his son
while is wife is else where in the train..
he’s not sitting next to me
but across
which is nice to see
— sitting next to him i would listen
to feel the warmth of his body
and that might be too much for him
i wouldn’t have that compulsion with his wife.
but i meant to write about
the sound barriers
out the window
three types
old wooden ones with louvre slats
corrugated steel, painted grey and covered in graffiti
and a newer wood… maybe faux wood? the top of those walls with slanting sheets of solar panels that go on quite a distance
then these forests
snow fields behind them
surrounding them
a contrast
life as a wood-cut.
we are on the train from Munich to Bologna
slept in
took the 11:30 train
which is a round-about train
a much-longer train
we have to wait for 45 minutes in Bolzano
then change trains in Padova
another equal wait
or longer
if we walk around
but we go on schedule
we won’t get into Bologna until eight at night
still
we could get in later
we don’t leave tomorrow until 13:45
which is plenty of time
to get gelato (if they serve it this time of year)
and take pictures of my lover in the square, Neptune
we leave from there to Roma, not really, just to change trains to Cavitaveccia
to catch our Ferry to Barcelona, leaving at 19:00
going all night
arriving at 15:00
kinda pisses me off we’ll be passing through the islands at night
Corseca and Sardigna
but we’ll see what adventures we can have.
—————/
back to the present here
we’re passing over the border into Austria
the snow is drifted two meters high in places
soft white blanket over everything
now a back drop of mountains
blue sky
but the air is hazy
beautiful day
the mountains more of a suggestion
except when they are highlighted by their snowy patches
—————–/
Russian:
i just saw the little girl show her mother something she had written:
in Cyrillic alphabet
———————/
slow going
twisty mountain rails
crystal blue water
Colgate blue
glacier water
gorgeous
the russian family got off in Innsbruck
maybe they were skiing?
some italian lady with a little red-headed boy
he keeps running up and down the hall
squishing his face against the glass
blowing his mouth up, pushing his tongue out
red face, pale skin, bright blue eyes
both Leo and i laughing
Italy
water’s frozen
but the snow on the mountains is nearly gone
everything
is
beautiful
——————-/
italy is so beautiful.
the dramatic cliffs
yeah, like california, sure
but more epic
the mountains open with a gate
what secrets lie in that valley?
the vynyards
the canals
the beautiful buildings
those in use
those forgotten
even beautiful in their dilapidation
like everything in italy
not kept up so much
but the beauty shows well in their age
…
now the west side of the valley is just haze and the mountain there is a sillouette
at 15:43 the east side is brilliantly lit
shadows getting longer
what a show
———————/
our cabin filled up
an old man and woman
then a middle age woman who was on her phone a lot
(who looked over and read what i was writing a few times)
and then a young woman making notes in a book she was studying
i fell into writing
glancing up at the beauty
staring out the window
then writing
remembering days
typing it all out
we got into Padova for the gloaming
and the half hour we waited pretty much brought on night
the train left at the end of twilight
so i’ve been writing for the last hour and a half
on an Inter Regio train now
the local trains
so students and workers and all
people sleeping
tired
chatting
a hubub
my body is tired
leo is tired
we’re a bit burnt out from the travel
and because i didn’t sleep well last night
nor the night before
my body is a bit shot
so we’re getting into Bologna in about 15 minutes
… gotta find a place to spend the night
and then go get something to eat..
though i have been enjoying eating the bread and cheese we bought yesterday in Munich…
so i’m not all that hungry
(one of the cheeses i bought was called Steinkäse… bubbly, covered in a green skin.. mold? when i ate it i felt fluish… hot and tired and sore… very strange. my tongue felt spicy — it was like i was mildly drugged… maybe i was having an allergic reaction? i ate some of my 100% chocolate and it cured me)
———————-/
Leo had this idea that we’d get into barcelona and walk out of the train station and find a cheap hotel
which sounded strange to me
but
OK
he was wrong.
outside of the train station in Bologna
is just very big
very expensive hotels.
so we walked around for a while
avoiding the Hotel Europa
we went down the street to another
but the guy at the desk looked like he was being nice to rabid dogs
and told us to go to the Hotel Astoria
we walked to it
towards it
couldn’t find it
i put down my bags and asked Leo to watch them
while i walked around looking for it
it was past where we walked
and the guy at the desk said “sorry, we are all full”
so much for looking like a homeless person, eh?
i walked back to Leo
and got my lap top out of my bag
opened it and…
found a signal.
yeah
so i started searching on line
enough to know
that any of the hotels in the city centre were going to be about €120 for us
which was the price we got from that other hotel..
so we walked down the back street
and asked Hotel Europa:
got a room for €109
that’s alright
still in ☿ Retrograde
the key-card to the room didn’t work
while waiting for Leo to come back with the desk clerk
i stood really still
in mountain pose
til all the motion-sensitive lights turned off
Leo got back
we got in the room
our WC has a bidet
so i just had to sit and shit and use the bidet
as i love them so very much
fulfilled
we walked out into Bologna
looking for something to feed the hungry Leo
in italy today is father’s day
St Joseph’s day
yeah.
Bologna is famous for it’s covered galleries
all the sidewalks are under arches
it’s beautiful
the ruins everywhere
the beautiful marble work
it’s beautiful
everything in italy…
we walked and walked
Leo so hungry
finding Trattiorias
we chose one called Pietros
had to wait a while to get in
but then the food was so good
i said
‘ beautiful ‘
in the loud room upstairs
waiter like Jim White
look at that
red wine
and
fernet
gnocchi verdi
and lasagna verdi
and little pastas with cheese and ham and asparagus
what’d i have for dinner?
fresh buffalo mozzarella cooked with butter and wild mushrooms
and some herbs
ohmygod
it was so good
food coma
i then had a salad
and that was enough!
Leo and i sat and listened
the waiter asked the germans at the next table what they wanted
a guy very near us said he wanted Café Americano
the waiter said
“Café Americano in Italia?” and shook his head in disapproval
this made me laugh
we were both very tired
it was already after 23:00 when we left the place
and walked home
following my nose
we got back
i used the bidet again
and Leo’s already asleep
as i should be
it’s 0:27
and i should be snoring as well
but a few more minutes
while i wear the battery down, yeah
love and
good night

“you can’t go on
thinking
nothing’s wrong”
terrible.
in Berlin
Leo and i were looking for Internet
we went into the Easy Internet monstrosity
and they were playing the general Hits Background music
it was The Cars “Drive”
which i’ve been hearing a lot lately in NYC
in Better Burger
waiting rooms..
i don’t think i ever paid attention to the song before
but it’s plaguing me
after hearing it in the Easy Internet
i couldn’t get it out of my head
so i downloaded it last night
and listened to it over and over
and over
meanwhile
i’ve been going to a lot of saunas here
twice in berlin
three times in Prague
then last night in Munich
odd
seeing that i went to a sauna ONCE in Peru, Once in NYC, and only one sex party the entire year i was in NYC…
so i’ve not been doing this much
sure
it’s different in europe
i like it better
you can have conversations…
you can also be fucked by drunk turks
if you let yourself
“who’s gonna tell you when
it’s too late?”
the untying of things
it’s startling
the story is unfurling oddly
and part of me is passive
watching it
listening
receiving the experience
another part of me is strategizing to defeat my struggles
the other has faith and doesn’t worry
but i’m still taking a beating over it