time enough.
i gave Antonio my number in an email last night
i thought he didn’t really speak english
but he called me sometime around nine
nine something am
i was surprised
my alarm going off?
is it 10 already?
it seemed so early
well
i didn’t put myself to bed til 4
and then there was a lot of adjusting to do before i actually slept
— the phone just rang, my not understanding it was a ring.. i let it go —
but he called again just before 10
i missed it
but got out of bed
and called him back
only then knowing
and was very relieved to have him answer the phone in english.
Yes. i am coming today.
ok.
i lay in bed another moment
filled with life
moved a bit
pulsed
stretched
ok
alive
wake up!
the room.
the computer…
i looked
answered
oh, yeah Radiohead
i looked
yeah
1 ticket
still available?
yes yes yes
ok
sent to billing address
no
oh
no no
actual tickets?
doesn’t the UK do will-call?
fuck..
oh
england
and wouldn’t it be nice to go with someone…
Lesley?
Lesley:
this girl i loved when i lived in england
oh
back in ’95
oh
we were such children then
no
i was gay
i mean
i was checking it out then
no
we were never lovers like that
she was older than i
but i really liked her
she’s an Artist.
she…
came to visit me
we had New York together.
it’s been years.
we saw radiohead together in chicago
did we?
i don’t even know if i remember that…
did we?
wow.
ok
we saw radiohead together in chicago
with Trevis
i have her number?
i have her number
so i skyped her
and there she was
good morning
want to go with me?
let me use your credit card?
wow
ok
let’s do it.
so we bought four tickets
still available?
damn system
had to restart it about four times
but i got it!
got it
ok
four tickets to go see radiohead in Edinburgh in August. 22nd.
i leave for the USA on the 6th.
damn.
how will i fit that into my plans..
and there was some hope i might return to the USA sooner, right?
[ jump ahead: i’ve been sitting on the train… that’s where i am now, speeding through the rolling green to Malaga…
i’ve been listening to Sunday in the Park with George..
i wanted to hear them say
“you and me pal: we’re the loonies… did you know that? bet you didn’t know that!”
but then i just let it play
and i got sucked up in it
and the tears were rolling down my face
i tasted some
and wondered how they looked in my beard
and now do i have track marks?
in those songs
i remembered about artists
what i always wish people knew about me
me
just a dot
gone after some Luis
something sensual and tasty and not so difficult
the sensualists…
i forgot my friend
with his far-off eyes
always looking
in some other world
not complete in himself
needs a dog
needs a friend
gave up on the street girls.. i mean the bruin buddies
got a dog
and hangs out with his friends still
doesn’t have a Friend
how could i be his Friend?
i could let him watch TV
i could study, practice
let him stare at the wall
become good at letting him stare at the wall
let him hear his own breath
let his fingers move slowly on their own
let him finish his Hats
pulling him up twice a day to go for a shit and piss with me?
i don’t know
i would need to re-kindle that in myself
not needy of him
but needy of myself
attentive with myself
i would need to stare at the screen
i would need to write and write
while he drew and drew
and cobbled and smeared and knit
we would have to live in a work shop
not to succeed
but to live
not so much hopeful television internety
more life
More Life.
anyway, that’s what i was thinking: i can only learn that with him… not just thinking about it.
doing it.
—————————————————–]
yeah
so i got tickets for Radiohead
i’ve not seen them since i was in NYC in ’97
yeah
that time with Lesley
but she couldn’t get a ticket for the show
and all these famous fucking people were there
it was right before or right after OK Computer came out
so it was when Radiohead went from being a
not-really-indie kinda-sell-out one-hit-wonder
to the greatest fucking rock band ever
or whatever happened to them
it was a great show
did i see them before
or later in chicago?
did i see them at a festival?
did i see them in indiana
was he drunk?
i don’t remember.
i saw them in london.
when they lived in london
last night
in my dream
i was working somewhere
Radiohead came to play there
of course
it was a performance
so we had to alter the whole space for them
and it was some big deal
like a ritual of some sort
when they performed
i really wished someone had recorded it
that night
we hung around talking
me and Thom
just friend
(see where obsession leads)
in the morning
during the show/ritual
the demons came out
they came to destroy
to reclaim
to take care of the mess
the bones
the burning flesh
the monsters
they moved around
under the bed
thom and i hid
with X
why was X there?
he’s friends with radiohead?
he’s famous too, you know, he’s working in the field
there he was
really tall
so it was hard for him to be under the bed with us
but we weren’t scared
(i dropped something)
the demons were out there
but they didn’t want us.
we were ok.
um
back to Time
yeah
i said good-bye to Les
finished a few things
and closed the fucking computer
then looked at the room:
ok
i’ve got less than an hour to be ready to go
so i started packing
packed
gathered all the scattered stuff
took a shit
a shower
it was already past when i wanted to leave
but OK
it got it all together
slung it on my back
it’s not really heavy
i have a sexy belly
and a nice ass
yeah
i’m on my way
down the stairs
thanks
Check out
walk down the street
not that heavy
nice day
never used the Metro here
but down i went
waiting in line
mother fucker
the ticket machine is broke
the other
the people are stupid
and the girl in front of me talking to the teller
they don’t understand eachother
is all of our Spanish that different?
damn
it seems to go on many minutes longer than it needs to
i say nothing
put down a euro coin
she’s trying to call back to the girl, understanding after she’s walked away
i wave her to stop
give me the fucking ticket.
i walk to the platform
as the train has just pulled away
motherfucker!goddamnit!
i have patience
so i just sit
and enjoy myself in the tunnel
the trains going by
mine comes
and there are no seats for me
but it’s only
5 stops to Atocha Renfe
no problem
i count them down
look at my watch
it takes 7 minutes on the train to get there
and i walk out
up and down escalators
goddamnit
to the ticket window
where i wait
and move to another
which is much nicer
coz the fat guy has such a cute round face with expressive facial hair
and a pissed off tired look
i take his picture with my phone
and when it’s my turn to talk to him
he mutters something and points off in another direction
i walk there
another place to buy tickets?
i have to get a number?
my number is nearly a hundred away from the current number being served?
what the fuck?
i have 20 minutes to catch the fucking train!
i walk to the service counter
wait two people
and no
she doesn’t speak english
but she explains to me that i am in the wrong building
Oh.
so i go
i go where she says
kinda
i follow other signs
not that train station
but the Puerta de Atocha
of course.
into that ticket room
three windows for Salida Hoy
the lines are against the wall
one bends, bends around
i ask a girl
she points up at window 5
” you mean this fucking line? the train leaves in 10 mintues! ”
she nods.
not OK
i look at the other lines
gauge the shortest
stand in it
but this still won’t work
but what’s that window say?
Talgo 200 to Malaga.
motherfucker
i go over there
wait for two people
impossiblylong
and get my reservation
€10 for a window seat
fine.
fine fine fine
up the moving walk ways
this place is like an airport
weird
they take my ticket, rip it
and send me down the platform
coach 5
but all the luggage space is filled
not the car
i’m sitting across from a pretty blond bird ( meant to type “girl”, my fingers got ahead of me)
she looks distainful of me
how could she not be
her pants look so uncomfortably tight
another girl is on her computer already
she looks like a visual artist
and we’re rolling out of the city
i go in the hall to eat a chorizo and some more of that tit cheese
cut off the mold with my knife
knick my finger!
a little blood
a little blood on everything
i can lick it up, right?
it’s not dangerous to me
is it?
is it dangerous?
i go back to my seat
wiping the fat off my face
holding my thumb to let the blood clot
and as i’m listening to “Sunday in the Park with George”
it’s amazing
these hills
bolts of green
splashed with swaths of yellow and purple
brown holes that even look beautiful
and over there
the little town with 45 degree streets, up hill
i stare at that window
as it continues to show me the green rolling hills
mechanically dotted with trees of some sort
in the off-centre of it
a rectangle of white
which is the window behind me
also showing what’s over there
super imposed
how could anyone make visual art?
play with their cell phone?
play station?
type in their journal?
i stare out the window
manny patinkin barking like a dog
the conductor looks at me for a moment
i notice him pause
the way his eyes size me up
then he looks at where i’m looking
looks out the window
and though he’s in a rush
and it all happens fast
he takes a moment to see.
————-
meanwhile
the men in spain are beautiful
have i mentioned that?
the ones going down south
what are they?
pensioners?
artists?
don’t know
but big fucking hot old men
their wrinkly faces
round noses
big hands
how high they wear their belts…
and that big tall guy with the black pants and the green shirt
can’t i know all of you?
can’t we all be lovers?
beefy beef-cake boy with the skinny girl friend
we could be friends too!
i wonder if i still have tears on my face?
—————————————————–/
so i arrived in Málaga
and everything changed
i mean
i shouldered my bag
and headed out of the train
approaching the end of the plat form
i saw two men…
that could be Antonio.. if he grew a mustache..
that doesn’t really look like him… but it could be
then a third
Ah, that’s him
he waves.
we shake hands: Hola.
he explains we’ll be getting a taxi
no problem
well
minor
there is some system to the taxis
neither he nor i understand it
but i default to letting him get the car
coz he speaks spanish
but all the cars go with other people
give him some excuse
‘ are all these people tourists? ‘
i ask
he says
“no, i think they all live here… there aren’t so many tourists here”
and while he’s trying to talk to yet another driver
i make eye contact
point at his car; at me
and he nods
so i load myself in the trunk
then call out to Antonio
and he comes
we get in
he tells the driver
and i sit back
i’m quite tired
he touches my knee and he smiles at me
today is a different day
we drive through town
i’m cautious
not wanting to speak too much
because he doesn’t speak english well, he says
nor do i speak spanish well, i say
so just a bit
and watching
we get to his apartment
take the elevator up
i drop my stuff in the guest room
and we’re kissing on eachother, yes.
immediately
it’s good
he’s little, shorter than me
i’m not sure how old he is
probably in his sixties
he’s very vivacious
we’re all over eachother
it’s good.
esta buena
and it’s short work of getting naked
he feels the sweat on my shirt
and says i should take a shower
we both need to take a shower
and we’re in the water
and all over eachother
it’s good
then into bed
and it’s short work of him getting my cum out of me
i mean
if that’s your focus
it’s pretty easy
but i prefer that not being the focus
but because i’m enjoying him so much, i don’t mind
and we hold eachother a while.
he’s gotta have dinner with the family (nephews, he’s never been married)
at 8
dinner at eight
that is great
so he wants to walk me into town before
i’m very tired
but i go into town with him
we take the elevator down
five floors
turn right out the door
then right at the first street
which is a between buildings
with a street cutting through it
everything is wedge shaped
nothing is square here
but we’re on a main street pretty quickly
he notices me gazing into a pastry shop
and despite my saying it’s not necessary
he stops in and gets two Locas
sweet glazed cookie/pastry things
with one of those fake cherry things on top
but it’s good
we munch
as we walk down the sidewalks with stairs and ramps
odd
not flat
constantly going up and down
past all sorts of shops and churches
as we walk down the street
the neighborhoods looks less like a cross between Florida (high rises) and Mexico (peeling paint, molding walls) and more like an ancient souther town
we cross a river
but it’s like an Arizona river
that is
there is no water in it
it’s more like a park or something
on one side of the bridge it’s all cement
the other
grass
channels
fountains (not on)
strange.
was this river diverted?
i don’t know
we cross into the Old Town.
down steps
through the Puerta Nuevo
and the angles twist
the buildings are close
people everywhere
beautiful colours
decorations mixed
spanish
arabian
into a public square
big risers for Semana Santa (holy week) next week
to watch the processions
there’s something so strange
this is a different day..
instead of being lost in a new place
as i’ve been for the last month
trying to navigate, comprehend, plan and enjoy all at the same time
now i am being led
explained
guided
and for the first time
i realize i’m not a tourist right now
i mean, like i’ve been
i’m here to visit a friend
not in the same way i’ve been an alien tourist with Leo for the last month
now i get to just lay back into my own stride and experience things
i am grateful
as Antonio turns me down a very small street
buildings so close no sun is in there
“Calle Fresca” he says
because it’s cool in there
on a hot day
one would turn down a Calle Fresca to cool off…
get refreshed.
old cathedral
huge
many old churches
he walks me in there
but unlike with Leo
he isn’t a devote
he doesn’t share the faith
just enjoys the beautiful
he doesn’t tell me about the architecture or the saints
we just look at things
… and listen to people praying.
there are tarot readers on the street
many of them
winding streets
we just drift through the city
he shows me where Picasso was born.. did you know Picasso was born here?
no no…
he shows me a Roman Theater
still in good shape
being restored so it can be used for people to watch plays now!
we sit and have a drink
i get a yogurt and banana drink
that is actually made from bananas…
wow
(laughs)
he has a coffee
i look at the colours against the old buildings
and try to explain to him how beautiful it is
which he’ll never really understand
because he’s always lived here
he knows it’s great, he loves it
but he’s never lived in Indiana
he’s never seen terrible shit architecture with no heart or soul
endlessly repeated across a country 20 times bigger than his
20 times bigger with so much less difference
fuck, probably 50 times bigger, what am i thinking?
i cannot explain
i sit in rapture
enjoying the setting sun.
he must get back to the house
he hasn’t given me keys yet
and i did not bring my mobile
so i walk back with him
i see a book store and think of something
so i mention to him that i feel like i should have a phrase book so i can teach myself some spanish
he says ” not here, i will take you to the right store for that ”
on the way back
he takes me to a book store to buy one
only €6
so not expensive
i get one by “the rough guide”
it makes me feel good go know he is a reader and knows the best book store to get what
when he picked me up at the train station
he had a very thick book with him
so thick
i thought it was a spanish Harry Potter
but better: it wasn’t.
he picks me up some bread on the way back as well
and a slice of empanada…
different than the ones i’ve been eating
this one has a flaky crust
when he leaves to have dinner with his family
i eat that
and more tit cheese and butter
and a wonderful sausage from this area
that smells like cinema popcorn
and has whole pepper corns in it
this sausage
and the chorizo earlier today
i am enjoying biting into it
and seeing the threads of flesh surrounded by fat
ripping it with my teeth
my belly full
i retire to the guest room to sit at the computer and write for a while…
and rip a CD he played for me when i first arrived
some Flamenco
i want to be able to hear the difference between Flamenco and Tango
i want to listen to Spanish music to help my pronunciations
by the time i’ve typed in the names of the songs
i only write for about 10 minutes before Antonio returns
we lay in bed for a while
which quickly leads to sex
and we’re spent pretty quickly
take another shower
and fall into sleep
he’s good to cuddle with…
i just bought tickets to see Radiohead (and Beck) in Edinburgh
in August.
Wow.
i haven’t seen Radiohead for years…
not since OK computer!
in a small club with bono and madonna and michael stype (i think marilyn manson was there too)
great
fabulous
how am i going to work this into my plans?
small enough world.
got four tickets
with my old school chum Lesley
who else?
i woke up at
what
something like 5 am
was some one trying to break into the room?
why is it so dark?
i’m terrified.
why am i scared
is the door locked?
i miss Leo.
and suddenly all of the energy is all fuct up
i drank some water
and tried to go back to sleep
but i was afraid of the dark
and worse
there were about 8 million voices in my head
this has happened before
sleeping in other people’s beds
and it’s one of the main reasons i hate hotels
: all of the other people’s energy
in my brother’s bed is one thing
sleeping on the buckwheat pillow my mother had used for a while
i could hear her thoughts… her dreams
could hear his
clear as a fucking radio
playing in my head
it was interesting, certainly
but hard for sleep
here
laying on my back in the dark
i could hear german
spanish
no idea what the fuck they’re saying
mostly german
barking
it was really loud
and then some english
and it was all so fucking irritating
i just wanted to sleep
meanwhile
there were people banging around in the next room
maybe they had just got home from partying
i don’t know
but i was paranoid and scared and tired and confused
i went to sleep with the candle burning
it dripped down the plastic bottle
all gone now
just me in the dark.
i try reiki shit
energy movement
it’s all stale
i’m just impotent in the dark.
ok
so i go back to sleep
but it’s not sleep for a long time
it’s dreams of Leo and travel and work with the world
dreams i often dream
dreams that make me tired
the dream was something like this:
miss leo
dream
perfect place for swimming
clean water
drink
two other guys
one so charasmatic
jokes
amazing experiences
i keep hiding
want to be on my own
feeling i could be missing something
but Leo always finds me again
i jotted that down when i woke, but have forgotten the details
eventually
i wake again
and it’s 11
which is good
i really needed to fucking sleep
but my body hurts
and i don’t feel like i can move
ugh
what’s going on?
drinking last night
2 X 1
not such a good idea
or was it the daddies?
i don’t know
but i’m tired
and wasn’t that guy supposed to call me at 10?
s’ok he didn’t
i just need to rest.
i move around slowly.
use the toilet
squeeze the lemon i bought in santiago… or was that burgos?
barcelona? …
still got it
squeezed it into a glass and poured that into my water
lemon day, thanks.
spend the day sitting at the computer
wondering where i’m going to go tomorrow
as the guy in granada got in an accident and has his leg in bandages
so i can’t visit him right now
( i fear for my friends sometimes )
Malaga?
Cordoba?
no contacts in Lisbon yet.
a massage client here in Madrid next week
but i don’t want to stay here for a week
no response back from Cadiz..
i spend a few hours looking through Silverdaddies
just distracted by all the hot guys
i don’t get my objectives done
when my battery dies
( i get a better signal out in the hall table )
but i carry the computer back to bed and plug it in and push it to the edge
got an OK signal
so continue to wrap up some of the SD stuff
then start tweeking my little home page a bit
writing letters
contacts.
contacts.
talk on skype for a while
chat
talk
sister
mother
alan
leo
chat chat
a few other calls that don’t go through
and dennis
but i am hungry now
lemon water almost gone
and it looks like a grey day outside
what should i do?
go to the turkish embassy?
go to the daddy bar?
go to find a laundry?
it would be nice to wash some clothes…
hours are clicking by
i decided i would feel better if i wrote for a while.
so i wrote for a while
but it wasn’t enough
just up til here
just scattered a bit
and it took forever to leave the room
but i pulled myself together
so fucking hungry
and as i got dressed
i remembered the orange and tangerine i had grabbed from the bars last night!
so i ate them
and
oh my god
i don’t remember the last time fruit tasted so good!
leo was surprised i wasn’t eating fruit
and it wasn’t really attractive to me
all that cold weather
i just wanted meat and cheese
but it’s getting warmer now
yes
fruit
oh..
but i do need something heavier, right
so i go out to see if i can find a laundry mat
i walk up and down the streets
trying to suss it out, understand the layout
this whole place is so fucking commercial
is it a neighborhood
those two boys just came back from washing their clothes! or shopping..
i can’t speak spanish anyway
they look at me like a freak
which of course i am: they’re gay boys
they’re probably terrified.
so i get a falafel from Falafel King
which at least has real lamb
the Döner i had there last night was lovely
the falafel is rewarmed in a microwave
but ok
i pay and walk around
still looking
the air in cities smells so bad
the noise
and all this color and light…
i walk around and around
the idea of eating and walking is a bad one
i’m getting sauce all over me
and i remember i was supposed to meet that oh-so-handsome man at the bar tonight
oh
do i want to do that?
i don’t want to do that
look at all these beautiful people in Chueca square!
wouldn’t it be nice if i were spanish
or cosmopolitan
and i could sit in the square too?
talking in spanish
looking smart
at a table
look at that sexy man at the table
his big belly!
his bottle of beer!
[poured in a glass to drink]
look at those cute kids
sitting on the ground against the closed shop
look at all the imaginings
yeah
i’ll meet him at the bar
i walk in
and there he is
he’s right there
he smiles and waves
i’m on time
we’re on time
i go to get a beer
but i don’t want beer
i don’t want alcohol
and they don’t have dark beer
so i get nothing
go back over to him
and talk
but tonight it’s harder
because he’s been drinking longer?
because his friend is there..
some beautiful boy speaking spanish
like i can’t
and this beautiful man can’t speak english
(though he lived in brooklyn for two months)
that beautiful boy is partnered to…
the beautiful bear from Manchester i’d talked with on line (who didn’t call me)
so there is some awkward tension
they offer me a cigarette
which i
of course
turn down
the recant
and accept
it tastes terrible
i’m not even inhaling
gross.
we’re talking
we’re friends now
and it’s all about sex
sex makes friends
that’s the kind of boy i like
just make a suggestion and he’s down on his knees
i’m not saying i’m the biggest slut in the world
but i’m up there among them
and i’m not adverse to getting on my knees and sucking off 7 guys
you’re like a kid in a candy store
i am i am
it’s like a flute
flautus
but his is like a trombone!
bwaaaa
and that really cute round faced full bearded guy is looking at me
ever so shy
can’t keep eye contact
but he’s fascinated.
how do i make friends?
and that other guy
who looks nice enough
but just really really really wants me to go down stairs and have sex with him
and i don’t want to be here
don’t like the smoke
don’t want a beer
can’t speak spanish
don’t want to have sex
it goes on a while
and they like me more and more
but it is really time for me to be going
there’s a long battle to make the beautiful man, Jakobo
understand that i am going to be gone all week
maybe i’ll see him friday?
but he teaches sociology at some college and usually comes here after class thursday
Friday, after massage
i say
i say
got a client on Friday
at this point
it’s just OK
i hug the beautiful Manchesterian
[who just got back from traveling for 10 weeks with his skinny and pretty boy friend… around east asia… everyone has to go to the Babylon Sauna in Bangkok… it is The Place! … and Ancor… must see Ancor… they didn’t make plans… just rode on the back of trucks… got to where they were going… didn’t see other europeans for 3 weeks! wow! no matter how amazing my life is i will always envy others, damnit]
i walk outside
and the meagerly attractive guy who was energetically begging me for sex runs after me
i explain i’m hungry (but not for that)
and don’t speak spanish
he speaks no english
and explains he’s sorry we couldn’t play
and
GOOD NIGHT!
i walk back to the Falafel King to get my Second Course:
Döner Kebab
i order it
and look over
there’s this big guy with a beard
tall guy, husky
he’s standing there drinking a water
he looks utterly lost
he’s wearing a ball state t-shirt
ball state is in Muncie… an hour from where i grew up
we do what’s needed
i say it to him
“i grew up and hour from Muncie”
he looks at me
those big lost eyes fixing on something
fixing on me
for a moment
coming to shore
“are you from there?”
it takes a while to get answers out of him
and i’m not pushing
i don’t know why i’m talking to him
i’m not really cruising him
i’m just here.
different than last night
different than an hour ago
a woman running the counter
three old men
grandpappis to be sure
they hand me my sandwich
OH, OK
i sit to eat it
(it’s so fucking good! the bread perfectly toasted, nice oil.. the young lamb meat, fresh vegetables, sauce… texture and warmth perfect, crispy..)
he
orders
something
and
he
sits
next
to
me
and
he
talks.
we talk.
we talk for a while
eventually
he’s from southern california
moved to Ohio when he was 5
then indiana
somewhere in there
it’s hard for him to go back
could never live there again
i know
“lived in the bay area for 8 years”
queer?
“now i’m in atlanta”
just arrived that morning
his ATM card got locked coz he didn’t tell them he was traveling
and
he had only $5 on him
trouble
sometimes we got trouble
his hands are shaking terribly..
is it too much coffee?
is it DT?
is it a past of crank?
or a high school foot ball injury?
i wonder
but am not ready to ask him
i’m just listening
and i tell him my plans
and when i say i’m going to Bearcelona
he says he’ll be there too
so
ok, buddy
here’s my mobile number
(but he’s even having trouble with that)
i’m a neighbourly guy
a good hoosier christian
reaching out my hand
blessings
should i go back to the bar?
no
no
i just go home
and it’s an hour later than i thought
some how the time got screwed up on my phone when i was walking Leo through fixing his.
damn near midnight
and i have to travel tomorrow
go to sleep bud
oh
but i meant to do that photo project for Dennis
which involves…
silverdaddies and eurowoof somehow
and everyone in portugal
and emails from last week
and reading friends journals
and about radiohead some more
and watching videos
somehow
it’s 4 am by the time i’m all finish
but i did edit some good face pictures
will i have internet in the next week?
maybe i’ll post some face pictures if i do…
right now
i fucking need to get to sleep.
dominicvine
oh.
dominicvine.
dominic vine of the owls.
right.
so
it’d be like this:
of the lord . the greatest effort . of the owls.
how would we say it?
the greatest effort of the Lord, guided by the owls?
manifest as the Owls?
what?
Sowa.
= Owl
in polish.
Sowa
the town Niccolas Coppurnicus came from
some dinky place outside of Krakow
my father’s Father’s Parents came from there.
my surname is
Sowinski.
family of owls.
when the idea of surnames came into use in europe
it took a while to get to poland (started in Britain)
by the time it got to Poland
all the Folk took their names from Animals or Vegetables (my fathers’s mother’s mother was a Petrushca, her cousin a Peddish… which i don’t know, but Petruscha is a Parsnip)
the Jews were named after Minerals; this convention was also used in Germany.
however
i didn’t know this
growing up in bleached Indiana
beautiful land devoid of culture
when i asked what “Sowinski” was
they said
“it doesn’t mean anything. it’s just a name. names don’t mean anything”
knowing this to be false
i gave up using Sowinski until i could identify it.
meanwhile
a lover i had met gave me the name Vine
vine?
Muin, actually
from the Gaelic…
the Celtic Oghams
a druidic system of communication
calendar, sign language, magick, alphabet, numbers
i was obsessed with the Futhark for a few years…
the Scandinavian runic system
and my name was Nick/Nicky when i was a child
everything that was an N belong to me
thus
Nintendo, etc…
with the Futhark, the letter N was “Nyd” : Limits (constrains, pain)
basically all about being a limited being… as i only wanted to be an infinite being
it was painful for me
and i felt like i needed to focus on it to learn to be a Good Human.
the symbol for Nyd is a vertical line with a diagonal going through it, bottom right to top left
the symbol for the ogham Muin was the exact same symbol
the funny this is, the rest of the Futhark doesn’t particularily look like that
but most of the oghams do
just lines intersecting in various ways
the druids would communicate through sign off their noses or shins…
anyway
when my lover randomly gave me the name of Vine
( i was being a bitch and making him come up with a name to call me )
i studied it
and found these similarities
as well as how Vine is multicoloured, always changing (the rest all have one colour they are)
and how it is not a parasite, like the Ivy, but doesn’t ever grow on its own
the vine grows on larger trees
yet produces it’s own fruit
and
over time
knits an entire forest together
Ah
and so
i do indeed love big vines in the forest
and this felt like the perfect metaphore for me….
so
for a while i was just Vine
everyone knew me as Vine
then just in Faery circles
but still
it stuck
and i took the name Dominic Vine
those who knew me as Dominic knew that
those who knew me as Vine saw that
and the sowinski was forgotten about
until i met a polish girl who explained that other stuff i already told you about
and then i was interested in it again
but how do i say it?
Dominic Vine Sowinski?
no
of the owls
much nicer, yes?
coz americans don’t know what a Sowinski is…
however
the greatest effort of the lords, guided by the owls
is just too pretentious a name to use
so i mostly just use Dominic Vine
but
dominic vine of the owls
in certain places sounds nice
don’t you think?
woke near noon
empty room.
feels Odd now that Leo’s gone
like i don’t understand why i’m here
never in hotels by myself
i have to push through that
so i muck about with things
set up the computer
and set about to finish off the stuff left open
close things down
.. gonna meet up with that german guy today at 2
and time wore on quite quickly
and the computer was so fucking tired (i’d not restarted it in a month)
that it started locking up: clock gone
my watch beeped it was 2 already
so i had to run!
but it was only a minute or two from the hostal
and he had just got there himself
so great
it was a beautiful sunny day
here i am
whoever i am
wherever i am
J takes me to Vesuvius
good pizza
fresh made
got mine with spinach, garlic, egg and mushrooms
it was really good
then what?
walk through the park?
he takes me for a walk
it’s a nice long walk
there’s a really fucking big park in Madrid
funny
the historical stuff is fake, though
but the park is beautiful
and everyone’s cruising
or high on something
or…
straight.
poor straight world.
anyway
i pee in some bushes
we sit on a bench
he says it’s time we got back to his place to have sex
so ok
he walks me back there
nice new area of town to see
road work everywhere
and it’s all very pragmatic, of course
but it’s nice
he’s a very sexy guy
great furry bigness
he doesn’t like his body so much though
and that always makes it less fun
some sort of disconnect
and then it’s like three hours of talking politics
and damn
i love germany
but talking politics with a German about the war and the US current president
and national pride and how people get convinced to do terrible things
it’s not a fun conversation in any way
and i keep glancing out the window thinking
shouldn’t i be out enjoying a new city?
so i decide it’s time to go
but i’m locked in
have to walk back up
beautiful old building
wood steps
and the first flight is all worn down…
he lets me out
and i walk my way
simple enough
through the city
back to Chueca
simple
i’m going to go have a beer
a nice rich beer
then i’m going to sleep for an hour or so
then i’m going to go back out
explore some other bars maybe, yeah
but i go to HOT
and the place is empty…
i decide to buy a beer anyway
2 for one, you know
2 X 1
i sit and drink and look through the gay rags
maps
try and figure out that daddy bar martin had told me about
where is it?
people start to trickle in
and i notice potato chips and beer go really well together
so i get my second beer
and there is this kinda old daddy guy kinda cruising me
and he goes down stairs
so i go down too
but he looks kinda boring
and on the porn TV
is H.C.
a guy i saw in porn about four years ago and fell in love with
well
lust
sucked his dick eventually
played with him … oh, it’s all too clandestine, i’m not going to mention
L.A.!
what can i do?
if Leo were here i could point and laugh and say “i sucked his dick!”
his big hands
H looks like he’s sleepy, underwater, disconnected or confused in this video
as far as i know he likes boys
and this is a daddy video
maybe he’s bored?
there’s a cute kinda chubby boy sitting next to me
i ask him if he speaks english
and he does
so i tell him:
That guy? — i sucked his dick.
i tell him a little of the story
and we get to talking
he’s a sweetie
airline attendant, you know
and down comes a rollypolly dark skinned short chubby guy
so cute
so the boy goes up stairs
and the boring daddy goes up
and the rollypolly and i look at eachother
and go into a cabin together and play for a while
he’s Irving from the Dominican Republic
i just had to write that. Irving.
he’s so cute
and we squeeze eachother and lick eachother all over in the red light
you know what i love best about fast food sex?
making it an epic.
standing up sex
i hold him
and the hottest thing about it
what makes the soft moaning
is his head against my chest
which stays there longer than five minutes
not too quick
(though he does cum twice)
when he leaves
i go back up
and now the bar is filled with beautiful men!
wow!
and there is this very beautiful man
very beautiful
and we’re looking at eachother
i’m shy
i’m coy
but not that coy
we start talking
he speaks no english
though he lived in Brooklyn for two months spread out over two years
he tells me
and yeah
i understand
we are
after all
having a conversation
the cute boy bops by real quick
their friends
we all make jokes and talk a bit
he says his name over and over
but i’m missing it
Joacquim… but not like that at all
there’s the growl in there somewhere
starts with a J/G, but kinda hard
i can’t get it
maybe i’m too drunk already?
we’re very friendly and smiling
but he grabs me
he takes me down stairs
and we go at eachother like…
well
he’s beautiful
what can i say?
Professoré
licking everywhere
the hugging
the depth of it all
the desire
well he wishes
but he gets
and over and over
the way bodies can fit together
damnit
i just wanted a beer
exhausted
he’s gotta meet a friend for dinner, it’s his (friend’s) birthday
i stay down stairs a bit
watching the hot fat-guy porn
big furry guys
never ever have i been in a bar before that plays fat/old bear porn like this
this is the same bar, HOT, that played the Pulp album a few days ago
or was that yesterday?
oh, and now they’re playing Beck’s Guero
this place is fucking great
and i’m sitting on the stool
but over there
a boy is over zealous about seducing a daddy
the daddy looks almost embarrassed
maybe he’s just playing coy?
but he’s a sexy daddy
really big belly
thick legs
the boy keep grabbing his cock
must be something to hold on to
i’m tired and want to go home
but the daddy is looking at me
he’s staring me in the eyes
between flirting and playing with the boy
so i go and sit on the other side of him
put my hand near where he could touch it
but he doesn’t
though he makes himself open to me
odd energy here
but it’s attractive…
his face is heavy
not just wrinkled
but deep and fat
big heavy lips
bags under the eyes
shaven
big old grandpapa face
big hands
rings on
laughs like a farmer
he takes the boy by the hand and takes him back into a cabin
the same one i’d been in with Irving and Jacaswoeoosomething.
the boy closes the door
but the daddy opens it
enough so i can see
looks at me
and then they start playing
the daddy makes sure he’s on the side where i can see him clearly through the door
and i’m really hard at this
it’s so hot
the daddy is kinda performing for me
and it goes on quite a while
before he makes the boy eat his butt
and he grabs my hand and puts it on his cock
not his cock
that’s not the important thing, his hand says
but the balls
and his cock is nice, not long, but nice and thick, pointed
but the balls are huge
big fucking daddy bull balls
huge.
i hold them while he pushes against the boy’s tongue
and there’s mock fucking (daddy topping boy, of course)
and lots of sucking
but obviously the daddy isn’t really all that turned on to the boy
other people come to watch
push the door open forcefully
stupid fucks
don’t they know there are bodies in there and they’re fucking up the energy!
i push them away
they grab at my cock
i push them away
i have to walk away
i come back and move in slightly
petting the daddy’s butt and back
squeezing his muscles a bit…
another big bellied daddy is watching me in the hall
but doesn’t want me to touch him
fine
i’m watching the daddy in the booth
and he’s keeping eye contact
how long does this go on?
an hour or more?
until the daddy opens the door
and invites me in
the boy isn’t too thrilled
but the daddy is
and the daddy wants to try out my mouth
of course
he is amazed
pretty impressed
i can feel it coming up so quick
so he makes me suck the boy a while
who has a long thin dick
i do it for daddy
then i stand up
and the daddy wants me to fuck the boy
places my dick there
the boy’s body tells me he doesn’t want it
so i fake it
would have anyway
fake it for the daddy
who’s getting his dick sucked
must not be very well
coz he can do it and do it
most guys are lousy cock suckers.
the daddy pulls me back over
strokes me
likes it
has me suck him more
this goes on a while
it’s funny
he’s wanking himself
holding on to me
and when he’s ready
he pushes the boy away
and pushes me down onto his cock to get his milk
well, thanks daddy
thanks
when it’s over
(I cum, pull it up inside my self, pressed up against him)
we start talking
which…
i cannot participate in
so they say good bye to me
and i go back upstairs
too much
too fucking much
i go round the corner to el Paso bar
which J had told me was good
but i don’t like it
and down my two beers as quickly as i can
thanks
no thanks
i stumble out
oh shucks
i’m pretty drunk now
up the street
i see a place called “Falafel King”
and i have been looking in all these Turkish restaurants for real lamb
this one looks like it’s got it
so i buy one
and it’s so fucking good
food orgasm
i’m sure it’s all over my face
i stumble out
and walk around a bit
walk the food off a bit
fine
i go back to the hostal
and sit a bit on the computer
i think i called Arthur, poor guy
to have to talk with me drunk
did i talk with my mom too?
Leo on his transit almost home…
stuck in the SFO airport waiting for the last leg of his flight up to Eureka…
but really i’m too tired
so i put myself to bed before 2..
but i didn’t get it done
the ljbook page was fuct up somehow
having troubles contacting the lj servers
so i couldn’t make the book
which is fine
because this day wasn’t in there yet
and the two days previous..
and the two days after
what is a story about being with someone
when it’s not capped by absence
which is a limit
a skin
which creates the body of a relationship
the time you spent with someone..
the last CD finished burning with a little “ding”
toast popped up
it was enough to wake Leo at 3:18
i flipped on the light
and it was normal
you know
time to go
he’s getting dressed
i’m really fucking tired
the tired of sauna and alcohol and walking and traveling
and he’s groggy
but he slept an hour
he’s got his stuff together
getting it together
but i remember to give him an extra AIRBORNE for the plane
and change his SIM card back to the USA
and i have to get dressed
to walk him down to wait for the shuttle
he goes to the toilet
and the phone rings
15 minutes early.. but the guy is calling us
prattling on in spanish
i have no idea what he’s saying
try to assure him
and hang up
off we go
out the door
down the stairs
the desk guy says something
says something
in his presence
i understand he’s saying
that the shuttle can’t park
so it just keeps driving around the block
so Leo rushes out
calls the elevator
i give the desk guy the key
he asks if i’ll be coming right back
i say “yes”
and we head down
outside
empty streets.
cop cars pass by
night people
walking
empty.
i put on Leo’s big coat
up his collar
furr in my view
he calls me Kenny
and here comes the shuttle
like tearing reality apart
sure
he loads his stuff in the back
there are two other sleepy people in the van already
the driver is all business
i give Leo his coat
i give him a hug
and he climbs in
lights off
van pulls away
Ok.
maybe i will go get a drink
or walk in the night air
i approach the turn for Infantes
and there is the same asian lady that was there hours ago when we were coming home from the bar
her card board boxes
plastic bag
crowning the can of beer or soda; candy bars
but this time it’s not a friendly good night
this time she asks me in a meek way if i’d like
Cerveza?
Comida?
i say no
more with my body
and head towards the bar to see if it’s still open.
—
strange
to walk by that lady on the corner again at 4am
she’s been standing there since 1
probably before
and how much longer?
she didn’t have a computer to play with
south park to watch
Leo to cuddle with
she just stood there?
offering Cerveza y Comida to any passer-by?
i walked passed her
down the street
but the bar was closed
so i walked back
but this time
i rounded her
not looking at her
imaging her a kiosk… some building she was housed in, was she
was her card board box and plastic bag
headed up the street
yeah
i can sleep now.
lucky me.
but back in the hotel room
now with Leo gone
the whole place seems so strange
is it desperate or just foreign?
my stuff strewn around
the linoleum…
all in all and all in all
stick a bee’s wax candle in an empty… water bottle
have a little flame to carry me to sleep.
*************************************
woke
water
no breakfast
rushing around
yeah
breathe
orange juice
Madrid: boring.
trouble finding sauna
sauna.
convenience store
trouble finding dinner
dinner.
HOT
incredibly cute
possessive guy still on the hunt
ugh
PULP!
incredibly cute
home
south park
conversation
snoring
burning
writing.
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