so
a friend of mine named Eli
sent me an essay he wrote on God for a friend’s contest
on writing about God
i wrote him a lengthy response
and then wrote my own essay
and sent it in
i didn’t “win”
but i was the first runner up!
so i’m including it here
as well as the link to her site
http://www.surgeryofmodernwarfare.com/
She (amy) has published a few things
and really likes writers
so if any of you are writers
or like writers
you might enjoy checking it out.
til then
here’s my essay on
God.
(seems timely, eh?)
Runner-up #1:
Letter from
Dominic Sowinsky
Parts Uknown
God isn’t something I knew from an early age
I think I was scared into not knowing god
I feel we’re all born knowing everything about god
and part of the fun of living is forgetting about god
it is this distance and confusion that leads us to such creative
endeavors
— pretending to be god… trying to get back to god… trying to
create a god… [because] life is kinda dead without it.
I grew up Catholic
and the general style of christian religions is to make you believe
that you can’t touch god
you have to eat him in these special little wafers
he’s some dove always flying away
and you have to talk to some guy who’s special who talks to him
— like a game of telephone, your message never gets through
As a child
I went to church every Sunday
and was constantly told everything I thought that wasn’t rote
was “satan”
I believed that everything that happened in church was Theater
and it wasn’t until I was well into puberty
that it dawned on me with utter terror
that all the people gathered there Believed this shit to be true
It was then I weaned my mom off of making me go
and I spent a few years of being a functional Athiest
Which I found exccedingly desperate and lonely
I found god through Acid
Mushrooms
Yoga.
God was very Talkative
and pretty bitchy
kinda a control freak
trying to make me do things all the time
riddling me with guilt for ignoring him
or doing the wrong things all the time
I began to understand that this God
was just another god
just another pagan god, like Zeus or Athena
He was made to unify all the scatter and make up for everything
I became a solopsist
and believed everyone was me and I was god and god was not my ego but .
. .
long and tedious, I won’t go into it, if you know the term, you know
the story
Anyway
I lived for many years thinking everything was just me
which made relationships difficult
I hardly believed my partners existed
they got quite upset
Eventually I learned about the Love thing
Yoga brought me there
When I realized that EVERYTHING was God
and GOD wasn’t a pesonality
it was just everything
I neutered it and often called it “the universe”
or “great spirit”
or “god”
whatever, to get the point across
One of my early trips had taught me that if you ask WHY? enough
you’ll always get to a point where you cannot come up with a definitive
answer:
and that is always a great place to put God.
God is the answer to any unanswerable question
So god can be really complex
or really simple
depending on how many times you want to ask WHY
and when you’ll be satisfyed just resting on “God”
Faith.
This requires a belief
I believed that god was not really a separate sentient being
god was once one thing
and split itself into an infinite amount of creations
and until WE, as god, chose to come back together into one,
god would always be degraded and confused
But I recently realized that god is more infinite than that
but only as long as we, as god, are creating and loving
not if we’re being lazy and dying all the time
I’ve learned a lot of new things lately
Maybe this is always happening.
I started hanging out with a Hasidic jewish man
and realized that he believed in a God even more fucked up than the
Catholic one I was raised under
more judemental
and a fashion freak to boot
Wouldn’t let him into heaven if he cut his beards and payots? Had to
shave his head to show off his payots?
And all that black all the time?
Not a fun god.
I went to Brazil to escort my mother [who was] visiting a spiritual healer
who runs his operation out of a Jesuit chapel
but it’s voodoo mediumism
all these spirits possess him and [through him] do surgeries on people
pretty amazing and powerful
While I was sitting in meditation
all these beings were talking to me
It was nice
I was talking about god
kinda sad that I didn’t believe that god was a person I could sit and
hang out with
talk with
but some un-caring force that moved things around like the tide
and I felt like I couldn’t believe in an unconditionally loving god
because i didn’t understand how it was possible
so it couldn’t exist for me
One of the voices said
“it doesn’t matter if you believe in me or not: i love you anyway”
and it felt really nice
and it moved me back to thinking of my Hasidic jewish friend
the whole point of the “jesus” story
was “love”
that it was all about love
“whatever”
god said
“I’ll show you I’m just like you. I’ll be a person. I walk around and
do the things you do. then I’ll show you that you can do anything. and
I’ll show you that I don’t hate you and don’t hold you to stringent
rights and wrongs. You can do whatever you want. I don’t mind: I’ll
love you anyway. You can ALWAYS come back home again”
etc…
 
But more and more I think about what god wants from us
that is
really
what we want from us
and I know that god is infinite and can do whatever
and I also know there are a million other gods that aren’t so loving
because they were created by fears
and I know one of the greatest things about being human as opposed to
being a tree or a seal (they are barking out the window right now among
the roaring waves)
is that we get to be aware of it
aware of god
aware of being seperate from god
aware of creating, Like god
aware of creating
with god.
The power to be able to walk with god
as if it were two friends out for a walk on a country road in the sun
bodies becoming translucent
and merging
whittling a stick with a pen-knife
or looking out over the hills and re-shaping them with imagination
and thirst: desire for a stream
Or creating a cross roads
where you’ll meet a car-crash
dead chickens everywhere and a young girl crying over her dead father
while a drunk lolls in his beat-up bronco…
Just to see how you’d feel about that
and then what could you do?
and where will it go from there?
I fundamentally believe that God doesn’t really have a master plan
that God is Everything
and we’re allowed to do whatever we want
because it’s God experiencing itself
and there isn’t a right or wrong
just time to play
to love
or kill
or sleep
or waste the days away in any way we see fit
It’s all an act of worship
and self-awareness
depending on what we identify with more
our individual egos, our national egos, our racial egos, or our divine
egos
there isn’t any real Truth
but what we make of it
Which is why it’s fun to have friends who want to create a reality with
you
and shitty to be stuck in someone else’s story
until you remember
that you’re always free to walk out
and create your own
What is made of love
accepts all that dies
and everything gets boring eventually
so there’s always time for something else
Dinosaurs or super-models
And on&on&on
Though I realize this outs me from much of society
I feel best with this belief of god right now
and it will change and grow more over time
… I think that’s happening now.

anger
seething anger.
i arrived Home yesterday
to see that one of our Neighbours
had bulldozed our drive way.
he thought he would redirect the Road.
(now, let it be said, i live on a dirt road in the mountains of the meth capitol of california, but…)
apparently
the road goes through his property
and he doesn’t live there
but wants to sell it
and thought he would make more
if he directed the road down our driveway
and then cut a path through the forest
around his property
( w h a t t h e f*u*c*k* ?)
not only is it ugly
he took the little statue of St Francis who-knows-where
and killed all of the medicinal herbs i loved
that grew there after the firemen cut the trees down for safety
and then burnt them
my favourite plants from the area grew back in those trees place
and now they’ve all been killed by this greedy ignorant fool
who thought he would “get away with it”
oh, and he broke the water-pipe for all the people on the hill
stupid!
now, not only is he stupid
but the president of our country is stupid
in very similar ways
an not only he
but people of the world in general
and not just us people of the world in general
but the history of our race back thousands of years
and what i want to know is
how the hell can God let such stupidity reign supreme?
and when did i start believing in God with a big “g”?
and when did i start care about all this stupidity again?
i’m so angry!
i’m so fucking angry!
i’m angry about everything
and i cannot escape it
the chemical haze over the valley on such a pristine beautiful day
the fact that all of the vineyards are not only pumping chemicals into the air
but stealing all of the ground water
and selling it to places very far away
the fact that this valley that i am looking out over
used to be a lush red-wood rain-forest
and 100 years ago
they cut down ALL of the trees
drained the lakes
and turned it into a desert.
STUPID!
GREEDY!
WHY?
i prayed to God
and asked him to annihilate the human race.
i talk with someone on the phone and tell him this
he tells me it’s a good thing that God doesn’t exist.
and if he does, he won’t listen to me.
which i know.
i’ve made this mistake before
it nearly killed me
it’s nearly killed me a few times
and as i talk with Leo about it through the day
it becomes clear to me:
it’s all about my Dad.
i kick my dad out of my life.
things get better
i feel retarded for being attracted to father figures and not working on my relationship with my real dad
and so try to get my dad in my life
and work on it
and whenever i do
i get really angry
and hate myself
and get sick.
shit, i wrote it perfect in an email to a friend today:
it’s the anger that makes me sick
and i’m tired of being sick for this anger
i’m tired of being sick for this self hatred
i’m tired of being sick for trying to love someone who doesn’t love himself.
i called my dad and told him i cannot have in him in my life
if he will not accept me for being gay
( our most recent relationship has been Ok…
not really great, but tolerable. but he gave me one condition:
i must never mention anything at all about being gay.)
Not Ok anymore
i call him and tell him he has to choose to accept me
i know he can do it
he has to
or i’m out of his life
coz i can’t do this to myself
i need love
and to cut it out of myself
so that he will… TOLERATE me
is such a raw deal
fuck that.
he says he cannot
so i tell him to call me back when he can accept me
as i lay on the bed outside
after having sleepishly accepted strawberries and cream from Leo
( i wasn’t thinking )
feeling nauseous from the dairy i’d not been eating for a week
(i’ve been on a fruit diet the last three days)
then feeling angry
then trying not to feel angry
then getting angry at myself for trying to control my emotions
shutting my eyes tight and trying to just let go
my eyes flickered open and looked at the stars
what’s the name of that one? “Arcturus”?
i stare up at the sky enjoying the beauty and wonder of it
my eyes get heavy
and i start to drift into sleep
when the telephone starts ringingringingringing
i jump up
and it’s my brother
whom i blather at for a while about my lap top
grrrr
and then tell him about dad and how i’m not going on the family canoeing trip
he tells me he’s already talked to dad
and how dad had a totally different take on it:
dad doesn’t want me to talk to him about Sex
dad never said the word “Sex” when talking with him
and maybe because he’s scared of the word “Sex” when it’s in context with me.
but my brother is straight, so it was safe to say
is it all about sex?
well, i’ll call him back and let him know it’s not about sex
i don’t need to tell him about about blow jobs and hot tops
but i do need to say “I love him” and that’s what’s important to me
sometimes
the morning after
like now
i wonder what yesterday was about
emotions are always an enigma to me
it surprises me at all that people know how to use them
or feel them
or be in them
or share them
or whatever
and
somehow
i don’t
other times
i understand
most people don’t know how to either
and i’m actually better at it than some.
what’s really important in the world?
just to be validated for being who you really are by people you choose to love
maybe that’s all it is
and some people need lots of validation
and don’t know how to choose who to love
so they make art and writings and web pages
and just go for love from any direction…
but it’s not as good, i imagine, as love from specific people
i’m afraid i’m not really an authority on that one
though i am a burgeoning dillantant
and someday
i’ll be able to write a chapter in a book about it.

“never again, i said, never again”
says the black man giving us a monologue at the back of the bus
he got on with no money and through the logic of the angry victim
convinced the driver to let him ride
and was still angry
“man, i’m just trying to get to work”
like
he couldn’t care enough to bring along some of the money he earns?
no_ he’s just crazy
and i’m embarrassed to be a person with him
he prattles away at the back of the bus the whole ride.
i’m heading back up to santa rosa
this time from richmond
this time from El Cerrito Del Norte
this time
via San Rafel
is the guy in the mechanized wheel-chair in front of me in pain?
he’s writhing
sitting down all the time
paul mcartney came on the radio this morning to say
“if this world of constant changes
makes you break down and cry
live and let die”
the guy in the back says
“magic johnson was the greatest
he’s a tripple double
that is, he’s got double figures in THREE aspects of the game
that three is Triple, the other is Double
he’s a triple double
now Michael Jordan is only 6’5″
and don’t get me wrong, i admire him, i’ve got a lot of love for Michael Jordan
but Magic Johnson is the Greatest…”
he’s talking to no one,
i turn around to check
“yosimetie sam was tough, yeah…”
but there is no one he’s talking to
maybe he’s talking to me…
it’s a foggy day
though the sun is broken through now, as i travel over richmond bridge
still, everything looks polluted, kinda murky
is it the tint on the windows?
i’m still sick
i got really really angry
really judgemental
projecting shit everywhere
and it turned in on myself
emotions
i’m embarrassed by them
everything i feel is unjustified
everything i feel is just for leverage
to manipulate people into doing what i want them to do
that’s the way it’s always been
that’s the way it’s always been
“never again, i said, never again”
every time i get angry i’m shy to even say so these days
it’s just me i’m angry at
it’s just me who made the mistake anyway
what the hell am i doing here?
i’m on a long bridge over this beautiful american-polluted bay
i’m heading home
home to a love i can’t receive very well
confused by sex and a bad taste in the mouth
no bed of my own
floor mat
i want
and a stack ov books
and a stack of lemons
to make lemonade out of
i’m tired of being sick
i will starve myself well
the hessidic..
no..
the hafiz: one who remembers
those who could remember the whole Koran
mmmm, the Marin Rod and Gun Club
planning to take over the new world order…
No.
aesetic?
what’s it called when you starve yourself of worldly pleasures and punish yourself for the desires of them
something like that
like oil
or acid.
i want to bring gifts of love and hope and prosperity
not this poison
that is currently making me suffer suffer suffer
i’ll go inside
and turn on the light
and clean the place up
or burn the place down.
the guy’s talking louder now
repeating things he’d said before
it’s like he’s having a conversation
‘cept he’s not
he’s holding us all captive
i feel like everyone is looking at eachother
saying “sorry”
or
“won’t someone please make him stop?”
maybe we’re saying “sorry” coz we’re not making him stop
maybe we’re all saying “sorry” because we feel responsible for him
he’s heavy… but he’s our brother.
—
i’m on another bus now
80
to santa rosa
i just changed
here in san rafel
“hello, we’re called Sausilito…”
the guy in the wheel chair is coming too
a girl asked him how his day was
“it started out a bit rough, it’s alright now”
eli called
when i was on the other bus
to thank me for all the mix CDs
— he’s got a week and half left of filming
it took a long time
but he sang me the line
“take a left, a sharp left, and another left”
and asked “who was that?”
‘ Badly Drawn Boy ‘
then he asked me where i was
and was surprised i wasn’t in oregon anymore
but i told him i was tired of being sick in a place i couldn’t take care of myself
i’m coming home so i can take care of myself
and i won’t let anything stop me, damnit.
i started prattling off all the lyrics from that very CD i’d made for him that i’d thought of today:
i wear my badge –
a vinyl sticker with Big Block Letters
adhered to my chest
that tells all your New Friends
“i am a visitor here
i am not Permanent”
the
only
thing
keeping
me DRY here
it seems so out of context
in this Gawdy apartment complex
a stranger with your door-key
explaining that i’m just visiting
while i am finally seeing
that i was the one worth leaving
–
i was bad new for you
just because
i never meant to hurt you
–
i don’t want to live with you
or anywhere near you
i want to catch you unawares
undressing in front of the window as i drive by, maybe
,
pull the night time Tight around us
and we can
keep eachother warm
enroute to strip lit kitchens that smell of gas
and potato peelings
in the subway
where the walls crumble and cover you in a fine dust
coz we haven’t got a home to go to
–
i want to repair your desire
call it a gift
that i stole
from just Wanting to Live
—
Eli pauses and says
“you’re having a lot of drama with your illness there, eh?”
and we talk about him a bit
last time we spoke i’d told him he’d often complained about how we only talked about me
but getting him to talk about him was
“like pulling teeth, as they say in the cliche world”
i ask him a question and he says two words and silence
i fill it with something
and i have lots to say about me.
so he talks about Jessica
his sister
we’re hoping
we’re praying
to be in a generous mood…
she’s got a baby
and that’s all she’s got
Jessica quits everything
everything…
she’s in culinary school
they were teaching her how to manage a bakery, do payroll, order supplies
she freaked out and said “they’re asking too much of me”
and hasn’t been back to school for a week.
baby.
then Eli got called back to the set.
now i’m on another bus
driving through a much dryer northern california than i left
tomorrow is the first day of summer
and the water is almost all gone.

Odd.
i’m sitting here in an internet cafe
different one from the last time
—oh i didn’t write from there
i’m in portland oregon now
in North portland…
been visiting Sheridan.
i’m sitting in The Fresh Pot on Mississippi street.
there is art on the walls
one of the pictures
is mainly
of the building i worked in
when i lived here in portland:
right
down
town
Boarded up to look like it’s condemned.
and in a way
You Bet Your Life it Is.
“do you feel free”
“do you feel responsibility?”
yes yes yes
alright
so i’m back from the forest
i’m sorry
it would have made sense to post it here
but i didn’t
June first was my birthday
and i went to the Wolf Creek Naraya:
an american Indian Ritual/Dance for
Two-Spirit (Walks-Between) people
[queers]
it was really beautiful when i got there
but for weeks before i had not been sleeping much
just a few hours a night, generally
and i had become obsessed with COLD
so i was at the gathering
sleeping in a hammock
in the middle of the forest ( and tons of poison oak)
i would wake up every morning exhausted and sore
and very cold
pray that i wasn’t covered in poison oak as i tromped past it over and over…
and then dancing all night
and sitting in circle all day
i was a tired boy
but i didn’t mind this
i LOVED it
well, but for the dancing
and mainly
i found i really didn’t believe them
i didn’t believe the people
and i would get angrier and angrier for subjecting myself to it
and angrier for not just letting it go
and angrier for not understanding…
when the dance finished
i was left in anger
i wrote PAGES AND PAGES AND PAGES about this
but it is too detailed
— rituals are not to be talked about.
i woke up after the last night of dancing
SICK
the rain had come
i felt homeless and terrified and stupid
and slept for three days in a fevourish fit
the fourth was in travelling.. thought hot springs would do me good
despite what the elders said
got up to portland
and added Sheridan’s magic medicine to the blend
which has even made me more space-heady
i repeatedly feel i just need to scrap everything and listen to the wind blow
(laughs)
Yeah!
where are all the meaningful things now i wanted to say?
perhaps nothing
all i know is
i prayed and prayed to be filled with love
and i’m working on it
letting myself get SO ANGRY was a defilement of myself
— also showed me i STILL don’t know how to deal with my emotions
AND
i was picked up, many times, in the arms of love
and that is always beautiful
(grin)
and what’s more
i have friends
and sometimes just thinking of them melts my heart
and i’m thankful for that
i’m really really really thankful for everyone
thanks
thanks for showing up
yeah
we’re working
right
right
damn
sorry i’m being so silly
someone throw an intervention for me
change my name
blather

lovers
i always think it’s funny when someone thanks me for being a good lover
i mean.. i’m Loving you… why thank me?
the loving should be thanks..
i don’t know
but i graciously accept it.
if i had a girl friend
her name would be Sarah
tonight sarah and i left the city and went to Harbin (hot springs)
it was difficult to get out of town
i’ve not been sleeping
you know
i’ve been staying up all night
doing stupid things
i’ve been sequencing CDs
burning them
making little envelopes
My Dear Love
(you know who you are)
i’m having such troulbe
(laughs)
i want to make a CD FOR you…
but i don’t want it to have any heavy connotations about love in a bad way
yet i also feel like you need comforting songs about love
and silly songs that play that up
and then
i also think i should give you much more credit
because i also believe you are very wise in some ways
just…
Shy.
(grin)
but i also think of you as a little boy!
Lovers…
i talked with Leo on the night of his birthday
drinking a glass of champagne
made me sick
(hadn’t had any alcohol for over three months)
made me bitchy and sad
i wrote a long piece that i didn’t post
coz it was just TOO pathetic
the night before, that’s what i’m meaning to say
Leo and i talked about my lover Robert
who is STILL very important in my life
even though he officially told me to Fuck OFF last year
and really
i haven’t really seen him much in three years
— it tears my heart out even now
thinking about him
want to cry
but there is such joy wrapped up in there
and the nature of my being
so
Hey
no throwing that away
Point!
in the long conversation with Leo
Explaining the relationship
talking about Mushrooms and Ray of Light
sex, chalk outlines, faries
patterns
leos…
i said, in a very peaceful and understanding way
that i knew that Robert had been here to teach me something
— For many years he gave me a type of love that made me want to be a good person
it changed Everything for me
when i was 15 i got dumped by my first lover
in a very shifty way
and i degraded into hating everything and wanting to destroy reality
(i’m very dramatic and extreme at times, as is my nature)
and
though i was not still in that state when i met Robert
vestiges were still around
and though Robert was no Saint of perfection
the feeling of being IN Love with someone
especially someone so sweet and giving and sexy and scared and vulnerable and Big and Strong and small
so Whole and Human (while still being very magical)
gave me the desire to build the world with love
— my rivers changed course
and for many years after i left him
i always had it in my heart
that i was loved by someone in a way that gave me a reason to be a good person
such love that made me MORE loving
because i had a reason to become so
i knew that if i could completely sort myself out
learn to love everything about myself
then the world i’m in
i could be with him
and accept everything about him
and love him.
he said i would have a great relationship
(while looking at my palm)
but not for a while yet
he hoped it was him
we both did at the time
but we were doubtful
and now
i guess i accept that it’s Over
in that
he taught me a lesson
as far as my old patterning would let me play out with him
and he will never be my Husband
he will be my Rabbit, though
definately
my Gorrilla Momma
my Walrus, Yes
not my daddy, not my boy friend
but a good friend
and
Lover
even if i don’t ever make love with him again
Love
he taught me something about love
in the past years
my occupation has been in learning about Love
have to get into fear
have to get into anger
death, critisim
have to get into cooking
massage
tolerance
patience
acceptance
compassion
Love
i have loved in many different ways
i’m learning more:
the time of my fetish is comming to an end
and just like my relationship with Robert
it will never be Over
it will just be completed
completed paintings still often hang on walls
decorate
remind
and still beautify
i will still always adore quickly and passionately the big furry ones i love so much
but Over and Over again
i find i cannot do with Bears all that i want to do
i can only be a small part of myself
(and really, it’s not that small, but i wouldn’t say i’m HUGEly endowed or anything)
Serious
i find again and again
that men i am attracted to on a purely sexual level
can only satiate me on that level
and if i look at what i want to be as an Identity
as the face of my person
i would hate my monicker to be
“a great fuck”
even though i am
i want to really exceed that
i have so many friends in my life that thrill me
take me to places i’ve never gone before
in art
creativity
nature
knowledge
…
i often find i can’t get physical with them
but i am learning
Now, i’m Gay
it took me a long time to be OK with that
even though i was always fine with the sex part
the label was a bother
but now it’s alright
but…
BUT
i have always imagined that i needed to be heterosexual
— at least have heterosexual relationships
be Bi-sexual, i guess
but i’m talking about more detail than Bi…
i had the idea for a script when i was young
about a man comming home to his boyfriend of many many years
and telling him that he’s leaving him for a woman
saying that he’d just learned all that he had to learn from being with men
and it was time for him to move on…
as if it were a growth progression like that…
like my brother said..
to go from loving the self
to loving someone different
then creating another person from the two of you to love
he termed it “being more important”
i’m more dynamic, or more scattered
to think of having things as one focal point
and
though people often think i’m straight
it’s the last thing i’ll ever be
but i want to learn how to love women!
i also want to learn how to love thin cute gay boys…
i’m learning:
it’s about Knowing them.
it’s about building a relationship with them
it’s about loving and being attracted to what’s inside of them
and wanting to appreciate that
wanting to glorify that
wanting to give to it, to experience it, to recieve from it
to share it with them.
beyond form into content?
content is not so easily recognized
it has to be experienced
gotten into
lived through
to be known
(for those of you who use this structure: it’s my ego progressing from gemini to cancer, yeAH!)
The Passion of my Fetish is very strong
so
it will never be over
it will always be nourishment
it will always be a signpost that leads me somewhere
but
Blessings
may i follow others to lands beyond that…
Oh, blather
i just wanted to tell the story of TODAY!
so late and scattered
(now and for days)
i was supposed to meet Sarah at 1
but was fiercely horny for some SF reason
i made a mess of myself trying to find something
all dissapointments in all directions
confusing to me why i do this
the town is swarming with hungry ghosts…
ate chocolate cake and cookies!
sleep deprived (four hours last night? three before? six before?)
obiously running myself into the ground
S and i move the time back to 2:30
she’s got stuff to do
as do i
but come 2
i call her and tell her i need til 3
i leave the house at about 3.
Grrr
SO angry with myself
i start my voice in my head telling how terrible i am
blah blah blah
i took wrong trains
didn’t know where i was going
had to wait a long time
tried calling other people
because i figured she’d be very angry and not want to go any more
or not even be there!
and i’d be stuck in the east bay
must find a place to stay…
but it was the middle of the day!
i couldn’t reach anyone
so
i got to the BART station at 4
(hour later than half hour later than hour and a half later than original time)
and she was totally cool
loving
flowing
Right On
i pulled myself together
we picked up some food at the Berkeley Bowl
and headed out of town
Drove
through the thick traffic
to Harbin
got there round 8, i guess
(didn’t really get out of the city mess til close to 6)
it was an amazing visit
Wednesday’s are Wonderful
very chill and sparse
sarah and i played
contact improve dance swimming
( sarah is a girl i’ve known for short periods of time since 2000 )
then i took her to the Mulberry tree
two of them
but one of them
the tree is like a ramp
an open door begging someone to come in
you walk right up it
and into its branches
heavely ladden with fruit
we climbed up into them
me
going higher and higher
stuffing our faces with the beautiful black berries
fingers stained
smudges on our faces
big smiles and full happy bellies
we sat in that tree, climbed around it
ate
for nearly an hour!
and the hot hot pool was amazing today
so sleep deprived
i melted
and in the cold
similarily
i prayed
and it was the most powerful experience i’d had…
like the time i took mushrooms at the hot spring many many years ago
i was being taught… healed… cleansed
INVIGORATED
sarah and i exchanged massage in the body-temp pool
i got SO turned on
she’s so HOT!
i’ll have to link to pictures sometime
— i was chuffed
i loved working on her:
i want to massage more of other genders…
then more hot
more cold
more swimming in the pool
walking naked in the dark in the forest
talking with beautiful people
being treated like a guru
being able to sing my songs
yarns of reality
Sure!
sarah sang her song
and we resonate
that’s what friends are for
ugh
now she’s sleeping in bed
we’re back at the hermitage
and now i’m Tired
now it’s time to sleep
but i’m glad i had time to write a bit
love and thanks to you.

so, i’ve just back-logued a little journal project i had in 2003
i met some guy on the internet who asked me
over and over and over
to make an on-line journal
and this was before i met devanand_tree
who introduced me to LiveJournal
and people had been asking me to do this for Years
so i just gave in
and did a few long email-y things sent out to an increasing list of friends
and then…
i stopped
don’t remember why.
but i posted them HERE
so you can go see what i was doing last year
in bits
if you’d like…
the last two were just emails
one i sent to my brother
the other i sent to my frien Rick, who gave me the van i drove around in
and i thought they told the story rather well
so included them
enjoy.
(oh, and i’m not exactly sure how to link to those pages the best, that link will not always be accurate… but it will work for now…
if, in the future, it doesn’t take you back to them, you can always click HERE . . . but if anyone knows a better way to do this… let me know… Thanks)

eating too much.
eli called and we talked
while i ate the poison cake
bought for $2.99
not full ov love
full of partially hyrdogenated oil
he talked about the difficulty of appreciating people
he’d called the night before to tell me he appreciated me
we talked about the importance of having friends, lovers
i told him i was working on a new project
a new relationship
i loved Leo so much
i wouldn’t make him my boyfriend
wouldn’t want to do something so terrible to him!
whereas eli was specifically working on having a boy friend
and his aires boy friend had just had a talk with him about how he was tired of being #2
to eli’s career… eli’s future as a film-maker
eli appreciated me for motivating him in the directions he needed to be motivated in
and i was telling him it was also important to have him as a lover and friend that was in my life so i wasn’t just living my life for myself
but for friends
he told me that’s what his boyfriend is for
and my brother says being in love with his girlfriend and having a child is how he does it…
Leo walked away while i was talking to Eli on the phone
Eli is an old love
comfortable and worn in
fights have streatched us and shaped us
made us fit and form to eachother in ways only time and use can…
there is a familiarity…
i know that often makes people Jealous…
today i worked on appreciating Leo
it made me even more critical of him
but so much more loving too
being able to voice my annoyances
and then
when i kept my tongue to myself
i would watch him
love him
and then notice that what i was going to say was un-important
not only because i was listening to erling wold’s opera “Queer” based on William Burrough’s novel and life
and heard Bill Lee ranting about wanting to control his lovers so he could get EXACTLY what he wanted
but because of the little things that Leo does that annoys me
his little hypocracies
his little negligence
compared against the “reasons” i love him
they are NOTHING
in perspective
he still has more integrity than most people
does love draw me too near?
watch the details too closely.. miss the man?
i remember all the others i have fallen in love with
become so close to them
i think of them as me
and of course they are:
all their decisions are going to affect me too
and damn it
i don’t want to get hurt by other’s mistakes…
but i don’t always make great choices for me
i guess i can let their mistakes be theirs
and just keep watching out for myself
the game of trust with attention and gaurd is strange
but i guess that’s the healthy way…
ReGaurdLess
i still feel not-sexual really
we started playing a bit today and i just wasn’t in the space for it
didn’t really like the smell
though the cock was good in mouth
i just didn’t want that
it’s more about cuddling right now
like
i think of going down to the city soon
Leo and i are going down for business
hopefully a few more massages, etc…
but i thought of my friend Robbie
and how i’d love to go spend the night with him
and though i thought about the sexy bit
the way we fit together
i know what i want from him sexually
he’s just not like that
— our relationship amazes me
and when i really listen to my feeling about him
what i love best
and what i really want
is just to go to his house and sleep with him
wrap up close to him
cuddle
and fall asleep in his chest…
see how the vines i planted at his house are doing…
i have a soft tired smile on my face right now
thinking of all my lovers and friends
and imagining forgiveness and love
i still wish i had a huge bed in a warm room
all of our bodies draped over eachother
dreaming together
breaths in a symphony
accompanying the night-winds
the breezes in the leaves of grass and trees
inspiring the birds
and the sunrise…

i love the warmth of the briar
still
after the smoking is done
hands wrapt around it in the whoorring winds of this hill top
reminds me of a warmth somewhere
i don’t like feeling that i’m giving up on loving
can’t love everything
can’t hate everything
the art of loving
the deliberation of what is worth keeping
tending, cultivating
and that which should be thrown away
waste is just a long-long compost
it’ll all come back again
shouldn’t mourn it too much.
i have to examine different ways of loving:
if my lover isn’t going to be my saviour
isn’t going to be the person i want to be come
isn’t going to be my enemy
what is my lover?
is he my friend?
my companion?
is he the one i share my life with?
my living experience?
is he one of the many?
one of the cast? one of the audiance?
one of the family?
who are you, lover?
can i trust you?
only as much as i trust my self
and i have admitted to being a trust-fund-kidd
in that i only survive if i trust
trust in god
trust in humanity
trust in my self
my soul, my ego
i only know that survival is based on love
and
further more
survival isn’t enough:
love is creative
in the act of loving
a child is born
and that child is art
that child is compassion
and that makes the world a better place
even if our love is rooted in fear and shame
that love should create a hope
a light out of that confusion and darkness
if i am to be my own loving daddy
fostering my children
raising them to know that
in the end
they will be safe and warm
and more:
happy…
amongst other things, yes
but i should be able to promise them at least that.
you: what do you want from me?
i hope that you can ask me for something like that
and i hope that i can give it to you
and i hope that you love me enough to stick to your desires
coz we create this together
and just as i’m counting on myself
i’m counting on you
we owe eachother that
after such a long relationship…

momma let me start all over
cradle me
oh
momma cradle me again”
other precious things i have been reminded of:
for those who don’t have Faith
there is Will
that is, if you don’t believe in destiny
you can make the whole damn thing up yourself
but you got to have a damn huge amount of determination in order to do that
and you only get that if you have faith in yourself…
we can live life in the movement of the moment
flowing with what’s happening
listening to the wind
and responding accordingly
the very act of being blown upon
the ripple in our own bodies
causing further gusts that affect others
our wake creating life-shifts for those after us
or
to make things happen willfully
we must be firmly rooted on the ground
heavy in gravity
feet secure
to push around things less weighty…
to choose one
or the other?
will or faith?
to believe there i can choose…
knowing that it’s always a balance of both
but listen:
what are the leaves telling me the wind is saying?
—-
i’m on a bus heading north
i found a $5 bill on the ground last night when i didn’t meet up with the director
leaving a message from my mobile phone
i scooped down and picked it up
“i guess i’m lucky tonight”
but i’m reticent to give that fiver to the bus driver
when he won’t even get the tip
it will just go into the money box—
they don’t give out change; i shoulda known.
no one has change for a five on the bus
and i’m tempted to stand up and start “spanging” them
i’ve never spare-changed in my life…
but i don’t feel good about not paying the full fare
$1.60 short
and the bus driver obviously doesn’t care
i’m riding
and we’re almost to Santa Rosa.
but that’s not what’s important or interesting to me really right now
i want to talk a bit more about love
maybe lust
this whole week i wasn’t feeling lusty
and the little bit of sex i had was mainly just for the physical contact
and, yet again, it all felt like service
what we do… we all have a gift we have to give
i received “thank you” emails from the two i am thinking of
and i enjoyed being cuddly with them…
i just didn’t particularily care about sex
today, however, i woke up lusty
two hours in this city/bath-house
to find a trick
then they just rolled in
— a guy i met last month at the bear sex party
my age
lebonese
furry and chubby– very cute.
but i didn’t play with him
he was busy in other realms, it turned out
i went and played with a latino cop
(shrugs)
then with the director from last night
ah HA!
i wanted to kick him into shape
made me think of homer simpson
surrounded by krishna
i ate blood oranges without peeling them
which made me feel really good
and firey inside…
he gave me a tarot reading with the book of Thoth
made me miss my own…
and when i was at the faery gathering last week
the last day
a kid named Bridge went around asking everyone to take a Fairy card from her;
I reached into the center and grabbed: The Journeyman…
like the reading today
it foretold of many more travels a head of me
no home
no settling down
and again, when people are asking me where my home is
i am tapping my chest and proclaiming ” HERE! ”
shucks for the lonliness of the wind
this is what i meant to say a long time ago:
nostalgic for love
this process of trying to close things with Robert
even though he won’t send my stuff back
and won’t answer my emails.
thinking of that boy in NYC who made my heart spiral over and over
maybe if i spoke with him on the phone
i would feel the same
but i felt abstract from him when i corresponded with him earlier in the week through the computer
i spent a few hours reading through his journal, catching up
and tried to input
finding myself dis-connected and he seemed just as non-plus in his replies
it made me slightly angry
but more sad
and forgetful…
spending the day at the modern art museum yesterday with my friend in town here balanced that
but complimented it
i was with him
feeling very loving and friendly and playful
curious and appreciative
but similarly distant
knowing i wasn’t going to BE with him.
i have to start getting my prayers together for this dance i’m doing in a few weeks
and i’m wondering what i really really want
i had said something about “presence in community”
being able to appreciate what i had while i was THERE
more love and appreciation in the moment
concerning lovers/family/friends
more ambient love?
definitely something about that
being more loving in the moment
to super-human degrees
to feel things in a whole and fluid way
compassion and forgiveness
as well as aiding… advice? support? just loving presence…
hmmm
this bus trip has got beautiful again
narrow road rounding a mountain
you know what the view is like…
gorgeousness
i’m going to watch it for a while

Ah yeah
nothing lyke typing a bit to put a boy to sleep
we sing our selves our own bedtime songs…
“someone’s knocking at the door
somebody’s ringing the bell
someone’s knocking at the door
somebody’s ringing the bell
— do me a favour:
open it up… And let ’em In.”
there are a few things i’ve thought about
so i’ll start at the earliest and carry forward:
when i saw my mother and father in LA a month and so ago
it was just about a month… oh, let me look:
Yeah, just about a month from when i left her in Brazil
she’d lost eleven pounds and wasn’t even dieting
her complexion was better, skin tone
and what’s more
she wasn’t stressed out
and all the stupid shit that she and my father would customarily fight over
all the crap he would pull to goad her
she just didn’t care anymore
it was beautiful: something good happened for her down there
me, on the other hand
i was a bit of a mess
Louis (brother) and i fought a bit
and i lashed out at my father one night
left the whole family alone in the desert
knowing that i was the only one that really knew how to get us back
i circled them after i cooled down
found my way back
found them again
tried to talk to my dad
ended up just screaming at him coz he wouldn’t listen
and when will i learn not to feed that stupidity?
but here’s the gist:
“Dad, i do not make myself open, sensitive and vulnerable so that you can hurt me and have a laugh at my expense. Not OK”
he didn’t realize he’d done anything wrong
i was over-reacting
i was staring at the stars
we all were
laying on our backs
mommy, brother and i
Dad, standing up
ant-sy, they would say
he got really bored or something
and wouldn’t lay down to enjoy him self
he walked around antagonizing us
eventually he stood over me and said
“what are you looking at”?
as i started to respond
he flashed a light in my eyes
HA HA HA!
that’s when i left.
Anyway.
i was reminded of this when one of the guys i was talking with up here said his mother was like a cross between Martha in “who’s afraid of Virginia Woolfe?” and a rabid drunk Bull. paired against Homer Simpson.
he said it wasn’t pretty
watching his parents fight
it made me appreciate my mother a bit more:
good for her.
hmm
other conversations:
a guy i met at the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence Easter in the park celebration
finish/italian
6’5″
big hefty guy
makes his money doing accounting
and playing music
reminds me of various people i’ve known
started one of the only 24-hour places i knew in Portland
where Tapestry and i would eat often
— long after he’d sold it
he told a story
of walking around South of Market here in SF
whenever he’d walk by the “BEAR” offices
the owner would run out and try to convince him to model for the magazine
and he always declined
eventually having to acquiesce to saying “ok ok, maybe…”
so he could get away
he said it freaked him out
to walk into the Lone Star and
every face would turn and look at him
Hungrily
he said he’d seen this happen when other guys walked in too
said he liked having sex mostly with straight men
who weren’t particularly attracted to him: just wanted a blow job
i worked it out:
“so… you don’t mind having sex with people who aren’t attracted to you
and treat you like NoOne
but you don’t want to have sex with people who fetishize you
and treat you like something you’re not?”
Exactly.
Hm.
A guy who moved here 14 years ago
and got tested for HIV once
and it was the most terrifying and nerve-wracking two weeks of his life
so he just hasn’t been tested since.
a guy who just moved here (not here really, east of here… but comes here)
a few months ago
from colorado
— originally from michigan
tattoos everywhere
very hot (to me)
met him at the sex party here at marty’s
on viagra
and i guess fucking and fisting and sucking and getting fucked by everything
had a tattoo over his heart in rainbow colours: “Bad PIG”
and i’m a sucker
after i had sex with him (i’d say it was well over an hour)
it just blew me out
and i haven’t really been able to have sex since
couple that with the Ashtanga Yoga session that took place here at Marty’s Monday night…
DAMN
two hours
i sweat more than i’ve sweat EVER
and
like all good extreme yoga sessions
it noticeably changed my life
as if it put me into further integrity
and further made it more difficult for me to have sex
just feeling off
“i’m not doing this right, where is the love? why am i here?”
what do i want?
today i thought i would leave
i was running around stupid
wanted to go see the “Triplets of Bellville”
i thought i got on the wrong train
apparently it was right
i just had NO IDEA where i was going
and it didn’t matter anyway: i left too late
changed plans. changed plans again
wanted to leave for Santa Rosa tonight
where a guy would take me home tomorrow
No
went back down town to meet up with this guy i met last time i was in town
not only is he a fun kid
intelligent– > someone i feel like i want in my life a long time
he’s really sexy…
beautiful thick bushy beard
golden waved mustache
fun in so many ways
kissing the elevator
in the park
goes for hikes
has mostly a shaved head
but for a long patch on the back
to use as a handle
(grin)
that made me feel all NICE
then i met with a guy i met last month who did a photo session with me
(mmm, tis the season)
from a bear porn company, actually
he’s really sweet
we had a nice conversation
and looked through pictures
the new ones from kwai ( in my yahoo photoalbum )
and the ones from mongolia
and the ones he took of me
and the films Eli made that i have on here…
and by that time
i had missed the bus to Santa Rosa
so chose to fall back on the plans i had made for tonight a few days ago:
went to see “After the Fall” by Arthur Miller
as directed by and comped to me by a guy who responded to one of my craigslist ads last December
who i’ve STILL not met
but talked with a lot
he sounds sexy… but the more i talk with him i’m interested in other things too..
so, in leu of meeting him
i asked for tickets to his play
it left me disturbed
it didn’t have a REAL resolution
but for the one that most of us make of all of our fundamental problems:
nothing we can do but keep on living and keep on trying.
it dealt with too many things that i am overly fixated with anyway:
how to tell the truth in a loving way
how to live honestly and in integrity in a world built on lies
how to love another and not just use him/her to torture one’s self
if you’re honest, you hurt her, if you lie you hurt both of you
“and in the absence of a way of life
just repeat this again and again
and again”
it was at Sutter and Powell
TenderLoin-ish
i had hoped to then go meet this elusive director
so i started walking
i needed to work off this sadness/anger/desperation
i called some friends
talked with Leo for 45 minutes
and by the time i arrived at K’s door
he wasn’t answering his phone
so i strolled up to castro
and then took the F street car back to 14th
and came back to the faery house
to find someone else in bed with M
so i tried to sleep out in the front
but these thoughts were running circles round my brain
and i owed them a little breath
now i can sleep
thanks

so many things i intended to say
like Math.
it’s a simple thing
if you think of the world as actions, examples, stories, images, feelings…
to me that seems very human and real
to reduce everything to numbers:
“15 minutes”
“15 inches”
“15 degrees outside”
it’s abstract
and tell me, darling
what is it that uses numbers as it’s only way of knowing reality?
Computers.
perhaps these people who talks in maths and buzzes likes a fridge
are androids.
Why can’t we forget it?
OK COMPUTER: TAKE CONTROL
and did i say anything about the flies?
flies only eat dead things
they hardly ever bother me:
hard to mistake me for dead
some people it’s much easier..
and about robbie:
all those herbs didn’t help a lick
he’s just too passive
he fell asleep
but he told me many things in that process that reminded me of what was important
kinda
he said he never thinks of me as a “slut”
but as a healer
and that i can take sexual energy and use it for healing
he was just all plusses
but also reminded me
that he chooses and understands that he is not a generator of life energy so much
(he didn’t say it like that, but to that affect… effect?)
and that he needs others around him
he is the quintessential bear
big and friendly
loving, like a teddy… like a mommy
smart, silly, simple
hmmm, i don’ t know
but it reminded me of a long time ago when i first met him
i’d get nervous being around him
there would be long silences
becuase there were no arguments
no discrepancies
things just were as they were and it was that simple
i’d never had that-uncomplicated an interraction
and with a Virgo!
it left my dumbfounded and doubtful— suspicious even
now i just appreciate the relationship for that
but also understand that that’s just what it is…
which ties into to Leo
and my understanding of our relationship
back when…
when i thought nearly the same thing
–“oh, it’s a different relationship– no antagonism at all”
that changed as soon as i thought of him as my One big one…
silly me
Robbie also reminded me that i am not the kind to ever have a husband
that i need the million lovers in order to be satisfied and grow
i told him there is a small part of my heart
that cannot grow
until i do have the one lover
maybe only for a short period of time
a year or two
but i need that in order to learn something about life and loving…
… which leads me to tonight
Bear Hugs Sex Party at Marty’s…
i’m very tired
i’ve had some fun
but got really nervous when i watched one of Leo’s sex partner friends
getting fucked raw by some guy that certainly looked HIV+
coz i know he and Leo fuck raw as well
it sends a shiver down my spine
this town and all its illness
what can we do to heal it?
what can we do to prevent it
really– not just fear and bandaids…
HA
how to love in this place…
my body feels drained and sore
still, it’s been a nice day
everyone in town
go down to Rainbow grocery and pick up an Acai soy drink in the fridge section in the back
they are SO tasty
i’m off to dreams
see ya there

i just showed Robbie “Pinochio Dreams”
he asked who Eli was
so i started showing him pictures
i acted very childish
maybe 5 year’s old
i brought up an image
” this is not a very good picture of Eli