there is something precious in night driving
i’d forgotten
we got on the road at 5
it took a while
longer than i’d even imagined
the drive started in daylight, though
mugwort at the wheel
i couldn’t keep my eyes open
i was exhausted
leaving the land
last night was hard
yeah, i slept alone
but that wasn’t the problem
the deal was
i gave NDGo a massage
mostly energy work
and the whole evening seemed settled: ready for sleep
(at 11)
i’d made a nice dinner for myself
i was fed and fine and had done my work
satisfyed…
but i walked back to the barn to… get my water?
no…
something, i don’t remember
and it was full of people
and dinner was happening
Damn
pasta with beef
and then it was hours before i slept again
i walked out to the fire when i was done with barnly things
there was all sorts of talking
there was drumming
i just wanted a warm up
but in moments i was dancing with Cobb
i was doing a circle dance with him
the energy was great
and i was naked so quickly
and then jumped on top of a huge log in the fire
and just walked over the whole pit balanced on it
i only had to fear for the fate of my leg hairs!
and the only hard part
was not breathing over the middle
where it was a vacuum…
the day was filled with lots of talk
that streatched into this now around the fire
about how these neo-pagan kids are abusing the energy
doing stupid rituals
evoking things they don’t understand
well, Duh…
they called up a girl i know
and then there was all this talk about how she had possessed this boy
and there was all this fear conjured
not just that
but another boy i know
and his multiple personalities
i got all terrified feeling
there was so much fear being passed around
and then, in their neo-pagan-new-age-whatever
they would then refuse to talk about anything anymore
least give it more energy and proliferate it
so all conversations were left cut short
unless you were there in the beginning in an intergral role
which has its merit
but the rest of the conversation was fluff
we want real life!
anyway
i left the fire feeling scared
it pissed me off
i sat in the tent and had to meditate quite a while to dispell the fear
but going into my own light to dispell that darkness…
<
it was beautiful
and i found such power there
i slept very well
and then the day
today..
bouncing back and forth…
wild strawberries
pointed out by the woman that took in my
(ugh)
Ex-boyfriend from portland
after he lost all his weight and his beard and was a meth-head and dealer
.. he didn't tell me that part of the story
and it made me so sad
but then, i knew not to put too much stock in him…
i love all the people in my life, though…
the sun was intermitant today
and i did my work in preparing to leave
posting ads on Craigslist for massage
as well as answering a few
and going through most of my emails and doing the same
saying good bye
seeing my sleeping friend and whispering in his ear
"i love you, good bye"
understanding some finishing touches
hearing
"well, we think you're beautiful and sexy AND we can have interesting conversations with you— you're leaving too soon"
yes
but i think it's time to come home
"pull in my string, like a kite that's flown too high"
i took the wheel as we were leaving ashland
and it didn't take too long
before i was just flying
centring my energy as i used to do on my long drives
doing root-chakra yoga work
and qi-gung with my crystal balls
then just with my open hands
getting really High
listening to african music… from tanzania…
listening to the 3rd and 4th piano concertos by Beethoven
then Bjork's Family Tree
i flew through the night
watching the moon rise and greet me and cast moon-bows…
preceeding that was the sunset and the gloaming comming on as i approached and passed Shasta:
a snow man imp sprite jumping down the rocky face
persuing another Kokopelli
everything flew by
and it didn't seem long at all
we had decided to switch drivers when we were close to the city
Mugwort knew his way: i didn't
a rest-stop in Vallejo
i pissed for about three minutes–
built-up yerba mate
and all that energy work
my piss was frothy…
as i washed my hands
a beautiful black man came in
we smiled at eachother
and the vibration swam between us
there was a great connections
and his smell was intoxicating
but i told him i wanted to be naked in a bed with him
so got his number and told him i'd see him later
the view was beautiful
hill-top, that is
everything looks better from far away
or at least ugly things do
at night
in the dark
when they are lit up
like stars that got drunk and crashed to the floor
forgetting their origins
and making do with dancing like that
so stationary
but i'm here now
there'll be some music trading tomorrow
and there'll be some sleeping now
for the week will open up
work and friends and more learning about love
then home again
before then?
i encourage you to ask questions
After summer harvests start winding down, before the winter coal shipments pick up, business gets slow. Truckers take their vacations and get to know their families again. Sometimes I go days without a rig to climb into. I have enough credit for Stacey to keep me supplied, but I miss having my dates. The other boys always talk about having to get high to help them do and then forget their tricks. But I’m pathetically aware, now I get high to fill the time between tricks. Because, no matter how rough or though the trucker, that point of soundlessness, that instant before they are spent, is the sweetest contact anyone could ever have with anybody. I hold those moments — the tobacco and grease-stained hand lovingly caressing my throat, the lips parted in silent ecstasy, kissing my forehead like a parent placing a good-night kiss — I replay them in slow motion as if they took place with the prolonged consumed movements of someone running under water.
page 137
Sarah
by JT Leroy
so, what’s happened?
tonight is the last night
the first night i’ve cooked for myself
not the first night i’ve made myself tea, though…
i’ve given two massages
but i would say i haven’t really had sex
this is kinda confusing
one guy
every time i touched him i got hard
simple
but i didn’t really find him physically or otherwise attractive
however: he was my “type”
so one day
when we kept passing and it kept happening that i’d get hard whenever i touched him
i decided to just do something about it
and there was very little kissing
no blow jobs or fucking
just some body touching
and he was very close to cumming quickly
and i worked him off with my hand
— he came big white thick drops on the dark mossy ground
and, regardless, i was very turned on and orgasmed – but did not cum.
a few nights later
the eve of Beltane
i came back to the fire to warm up before heading to bed and jumped into the pit right next to another guy i had been seeing over and over again
— now, in a gathering of 150 people
if i keep connecting with someone over and over again i notice it
he REALLY wasn’t my type nor really attractive to me in any way
not repulsive or anything..
and a really really big dick
so i’m getting warm by the fire
and the closeness, the dancing
my cold hands graze his warm skin
and he says “that feels good”
so i start rubbing them all over him
knowing how good it must feel
and enjoying how it is warming my hands as well
and his huge cock is now hard in front of me
and it is the eve of beltane
and i have heard the be-moaning of how the gatherings have had less and less public sex
so… of course.. as community service
i suck his cock
… for 45 minutes.
but there wasn’t really a Passion there
more a Play
where as the first
there was a Passion.. just not really Fun or Desire..
not whole
more experiments
not really making Love
not really Sex
but i woke up hearing the men in the forest cumming
i’ve masturbated in my tent a few times
in and out of sleep
and climbing into beautiful sunny spots
that’s been pretty good
but on the other hand
(ha!)
i set up my computer in the bar to display pictures from last year’s beltane at short mountain for other to see
but it showed me all the beautiful sex i had last year
(beltane is a sexual time, for those who don’t know)
Eric… Goat… Clara… Robert.
Stupid me left Robert on there
who i just can’t forget
especially being here on this land
where i cam right after i left him for the final time
still in arkansas…
i came here my first time
with him all over my body
with him in my blood
in my sweat
the sun would heat up my body and bring him out in me
i would have amazing sex magic with him out in the forest
out in the meadow with the sun loving us
that memory was here
but he was even less here
but for his face staring out of my screen
and the fact that now he won’t even talk to me
– ohh, my brashness
and my sexual confusion
— there were some beautiful boys that i enjoyed seeing here
sexually or not
but there were others that i just kept finding hot hot hot
thick and strong and babyish anyway
and another bearish one
and then some older viet-nam vet who was interesting in many ways
big thick grey fu-man-chu and long braided grey hair
thick beefy body
huge cock
very reserved energy
bi
and telling me about the end of the world
coming soon
to a reality near you.
but nothing with him
nothing with any of them
the cute boys who find me sexy who i don’t really want to have sex with
but love other ways
the cute beefy boys that i make no secrets about wanting to have sex with them
the bearish older guy that i am trying to play with all the time
and the people who stare at me with sexual yearning in their eyes
where am i right now that nothing touches me?
they don’t reach inside and violate my boundaries at all
nor do i do that to them
thank you astrology, or whatever
it’s nice
but also just strange
i’ll sleep alone
again
tonight.
what has happened?
after i was with the one man who came while i played with him
(the blow job around the fire never climaxed while i was there)
i went back about 20 minutes later
and looked at the path where his seamen had fallen
and ants had burrowed up from that very spot
ant-hole freshly open
the little pebbles of ant-dirt un-earthed
somehow they knew
the little earth-gnomes
came out to do their work
i didn’t eat that precious fluid filled with someone’s vital energy
but they were taking care of it
the big globules of cum surrounded by ants
in perfect rings
drinking it up
WoW
alright.
what has happened here?
in the heat of the days
i would walk around naked all the time
barefoot and naked mostly
and otherwise wearing the white-silken chasible i got from Leo’s…
everyone called me jesus when they talked about me
some said it to me
which is not a rare occurrence, for all of you whom it occurs to
in the heat of the days
i would do yoga naked in the sun
or go down to the river
and jump in the cold water
but it was only in the last time that i jumped in
that the cold was not shocking
the last time
late in the day
when the sun was low enough for the trees to cash shade on the rocks that were usually the warmth i ran to after the rushing cold waters
now i knew that i would just be cold when i got out
so there was no fear… no rush
just jump in.. hang around, stay around…
wash me… wash me…
what has been happening?
on the way up here
Kwai and i stayed in Arcata a night
staying with Damon (nomaD)
who just moved into a new house
back yard: a red-wood forest
i did yoga on the old-growth stumps
(ugh)
Kwai took pictures..
i’ll post some soon
but that doing yoga in the redwood forest got me SO high and SO grounded
the first four or five days of being here i just felt GOOD
everything was OK
i was very grounded
no fear
nothing got to me
s’alright
but on May 1st (Beltane)
everyone was on mushrooms
i declined, centerdly
and all ov a sudden
noticed that i was useless
un-needed
and un-able to connect with people
which wasn’t true. of course
in fact
someone came up and thanked me for being someone they could ground with
but
for the most part
i just felt abstracted and isolated
the ritual seeming mostly hollow to me
so messy and … not easy to believe..
[ when i first started all this Faery stuff… i could come into any belief system and just accept it.. so i could experience it… knowing that it was SOMEone’s reality… so could visit it like a town or time or planet… and had myself.. my own reality to return to..– i lost that ability, it seems, when i was last here at Wolf Creek: my 23rd birthday back in 2001– when i cut off all my hair and tried to get to the truth of myself… who is a judgemental bastard.. it seems]
so, in my isolation
In My Solitude!
i wandered back to my tent
and noticed that No, i was not grounded
i did NOT feel good
and everything was NOT OK
everything that i was confused about and scared of
was still there
i had just moved on
or ignored it
or whatever
and being faced with it was just as
confusing
scary
and hopeless as always
i looked at it a bit
rolled it around in my palm
gave up
and went to sleep.
that pretty much cut me off from feeling good the rest of the gathering
it’s May 4th now
so that’s been about four days of abstraction
i was still able to connect with people
but only in limping lame kinda way
and maybe that’s just how i am now
maybe my intention for healing should be to be Whole
but isn’t that what i’m always praying for?
does anyone else pray for things like this?
that’s not what i’m doing
i’m telling you of my day-to-day
in my abstraction today
i stay on the internet for nearly two hours answering all my emails
and getting worked up over bears
mmmm, Sex
but none to be had!
still, i orgasmed at exactly 1:31 pm
when the sun was opposing the moon exactly
and prayed
for
wholeness and love
today has been lethargic
as have all the days
(yesterday? the day before?)
since people have been leaving…
it’s like we all come together and share our energy
and then people leave and take that good energy with them to share with the world
and
like it’s limited
it leaves me
here
feeling empty
i have been napping a lot
just sleeping
and when not sleeping
un-able to really do anything much
just laying around.
i finished reading “Sarah”
by JT LeRoy
perhaps i’ll re-print for you the only second of the book i dog-eared.
i was shocked by the book
because it is his first book
and i had read his second before this
“The Heart is Deceitful Above All Things”
which was just one big painful horror show after the next of shot stories
BEAUTIFULLY told.
“Sarah” was fun and playful
absurd and campy and intelligent and epic
well, all that i had read before arriving here at the gathering, that is
the last few days i finished it
and it turned sour
like the rest of the stories he wrote
still beautifully written
but with the moral:
sometimes you just don’t fit anywhere and you have no one; not even yourself.
Ugh.
the morrissey song “ouiji board” was stuck in my head on Beltane
this lyric particular:
“… and i just can’t find my place in this world”
Ohhhhh
(laughs)
(hrmmm)
and another ritual was meant to happen the eve of the Full Moon
but they just couldn’t get their Shit together
and Pinn told me about a “Queer as Folk” episode where two of them go to a Faery gathering…
i was also tempted to go to the place where the TV and VCR were to see “Goat Boy and the Potatoe Chip Ritual”(sic)
coz i wanted to see Goat for this beltane…
but the tape was broken
and Queer as Folk was just as terrible as i remember it
that is, i had only ever seen one episode before
and it offended me so much i decided i never needed to watch another
Yes, portray fags as stupid weak out of control queens addicted to drugs, diseases, dance clubs and fucking themeselves over as much as possible in their compeditive bitchy little retarded materialist worlds
(wipes the blood off my nails)
of course
i guess that’s what main-stream TV watching culture is made of anyway
but why would anyone watch that shit?
much less faeries?
so these two faeries love QAF
so sit through two episodes of this shit
and it just makes me sad and angry
i missed the ritual
but apparently it was kinda a disaster anyway
i left the house after the TV was turned off
and walked back through the freezing grass barefoot
the moon so gorgeous
the fire nice and bekoning
i played drums a bit
sitting next to Spanky
a boy who i found So Beautiful
furry torso
nice and muscly, chubby too
blond fur
bright blue eyes
and a facial structure similar to a Simpson’s charecter…
i’d been trying to get some physical intimacy with him for DAYS
and he puts his arm around me
drowsy eye’d
he’d been drinking and smoking
we cuddle a bit
i breathe deep
and our breaths converge at our hearts upwards
then settle down in our bellies
and it’s nice
like we’re old friends
and then we start talking
he makes some reference to
“you certainly don’t need any help closing your circle… or opening your circle..”
and i don’t understand
but i still feel that he doesn’t want to cuddle naked with me
though i’m all confused about it
and to make matters worse
i’m turned on now
but there is no understood affirmation
perhaps i’ve just forgotten how to read west coast people?
i left and made my way back to the barn
made some tea
started copying music
and noticed i was exhausted
but there was tea to drink
and cake to eat
.. Chris walked in
[ a boy i met in P-Town last year who came out here and crashed in Ashland for the last 6 months.. i told him about this place a long time ago and hoped that he’d be here— he is… was ]
told me there was even better cake out by the fire: with chocolate chips…
that, combined with the hopes i could talk Spanky into bed…
back to the fire
.. he was gone
the cake was good
i was so tired
but not in a way to sleep
perhaps i was just on a night cycle?
but i decided to retire anyway
and… slept alone
so today i was silly
like a child
just being annoying to everyone
and napping a lot
and giving a massage
and yelling at the bitches
stern, like a father
but trying to smile while i did it
i made miso soup
like a mother
wanted it to heal everyone
i ate chocolate
made cookies with Jericho
slept in a hammock
slept in the meadow
feeling abstract.
is it going to rain today?
it looks like it…
it’s chilly…
moon is waning…
didn’t rain
i will sleep alone again tonight
and i am pretty sure i am leaving tomorrow morning with Mugwort
Nova and Baby in the back seat
now what?
a week in the bay area
hopefully some friends and lovers
hopefully some good cuddlying
and some soft loving and comfort
hopefully some massage work and money making.
i don’t know how the week will work out
or the rest of the month
i’ll probably be back up here for the dance in June
my birthday
again
then old friends in Portland
as long as new ones…
then Rainbow gathering?
when will i get back to NYC?
and when will i stop travelling and just rest and home and write and rest and heal and create and love and GROUND?
a girl, Bridge, was going around yesterday with a deck of cards asking people to take one .. to have
i looked at the deck and just reached into the centre
my finger snaking between the stacks
and pulled out:
“the Journeyman”
doesn’t look like i’ll come to rest anytime soon
walking over the skull
maybe there is another who is the journeyman
who will come to me in my
solitude
“i pray — dear Lord above… send back my love”
i typed these things at the gathering
there was too much noise
it didn’t work out
here ya go:
a friend asked me what i do in my day-to-day
that’s difficult
because
every day
i’m somewhere else
so
theoretically
what i do every day
is streatch
do yoga
feed myself somehow
often eating raw fruit
cooking…
sometimes miso soup or kitchari (a curry)
i read
and
sometimes
i write.
often, i sing to myself.
now, i’m going to cook with friends.
[hours later]
the day goes as it needs to
this is something i’ve been addressing:
should i MAKE things happen?
or go with the flow?
“only dead fish go with the flow”
really dumb fish fight it all the time
salmon only swim against it when they’re going to breed
and die.
sex is always a powerful motivation, eh?
what did i do today?
let’s back-track a bit.
i was still up at the hermitage
when he asked me this question
[when you asked me this question]
i was going stir-crazy
because i wasn’t interracting with people
and that was only a few days
i need to learn the peace of solitude again
hermitage is a good place for it, eh?
yeah yeah.
[the next day]
what did i do today?
it’s mid-day now
and by that
i mean
three o’clock
the sun is high
it is HOT here
i haven’t done anything yet.
i woke up late
thankfully
hot
so many blankets
and the heat of the sun
but last night was cold
last night was the “know-talent show”
————
i typed out the lyrics to “gold for the price of silver” — a song by Kings of Convience…:
if it takes control
of your body and soul
embrace it
if it makes you cry
or leave you wondering why
don’t turn around: face it
but do turn cold
if they promise you gold
for the price of silver
if it’s chemically made
by people you hate
pinch your arm and see if you’re still there
everything you want is what i’ve got to give you
you just have to let yourself come with me now
everything you want is what i’ve got to give you
there’s no time to hesitate
come with me now
let’s go and watch the sunrise
let your heart
run along to the rhythm of your song
(2x)
run along to the rhythm of your song…
(3x)
run along…
everything…
—————-
i tryed typing some more…
I always think i have
like a gemini taurus trick
i always think
i have trust shit…
issues
i thought i was so happy
then, later, i thought i was just not dealing with my problems
but it doesn’t have to all be dealt with right now
So
i was sitting on the deck yesterday staring out at the valley
the beautiful light
i was a bit pissy
coz i’d dragged Leo down to town to pick up a package
thinking it was two packages
one from my mother
and one she forwarded from a psycho kid i know on NYC
but there was only one
His
and it had been put in isolation because it was leaking white powder…
Anthrax?
no- spirutein… a health drink
what was in this box?
i opened it:
Four burnt candles in glass
?
two things he’d bought for me
but he was so crazy
i’d just left them
and some health-food shake shit
that was spilled everywhere
and a book i had lent him
but not my copy
he’d lost that
along with all the markings i had made in it
some crap re-buy he gave me
gee- thanks
and… a clump of my hair.
i threw most of it away
some people just don’t know how to let go
so
feeling pissy
i call Kwai
coz when we’d got back he’d left a message telling me there was an opening in the dance…
he told me he was driving up the 101 and going to oregon
now, i was supposed to go down to Palm Springs with Leo and Rick this thursday
for a piss party
sex play
blah blah
but i really wanted to see Radiohead
but my brother didn’t get tickets
so
no concert
and i didn’t really feel like going down
this was perfect
everything seemed perfect
i told Leo
and he offered to take me to Ukiah to meet him
but then mercury retrograde kicked in
and communication broke down
and things got all a bit pissy
and he was telling me i was becomming so flakey
and there was anger
and patterns repeating
and the sun was gone behind the mountains
again
it was all going dark
and all i could do was rage through my confusions
Hello
where am i?
i’m in Oregon
Grant’s Pass
at an internet cafe
on the way to Wolf Creek
for the Beltane Faery Gathering
Yeah.
here i am
where are you
and who are you with
on the day where love is a ceremony?
So, all who read this and have time
i have a reqest:
write to me about Fetish.
the importance of it
where the love is
where the attraction is
perhaps story of its origins
perhaps stories of its glee
i’ll talk more about it later
right now i just want to hear what your relationship with it is
you know, i tell these stories over and over and over.
i was telling him today
“oh, i got a letter from this kid today”
i giggle too big, my face is red…
hell, my Soul is Red.
i’m flushed
i’m blushed
i try to explain
“.. the one i love”
and it just sounds like an old jazz song.
i don’t understand it either, but on with the Tale
“i kinda bubble over at him, then don’t hear from him for days… or weeks… or months (or years) until i get angry and write him off… then he connects.”
i guess i fear i’ll never hear from him again: defense is Get Angry
the age-old lesson
of
LET IT GO
there it is!
PHEW
–“i heard the news today, Oh BOY”
i was laying in bed all day today with Leo.
the last few days there has been someone else here…
i got sick when i arrived
i took it personally
i got angry (at myself)
they all started talking about allergies
and, though i would take even that as a personal problem
i let it go
“oh, i have allergies”
what the fuck?
i decided not to travel with Leo to the coast
just to stay on my own
things were gonna be different this time
but the first day
was me mostly on line
like a junky
and the next day featured TWO men comming up here
Wade and i went to the hot springs
It helped move all the phlem through my face
i slept in his arms
and a pretty pale skinned voluptous woman
who had been floating on her back
surfaced in front of me
smiled
looked in my eyes
and said
“your eyes…
they’re… so Clear…
— i think you have gotten rid of Everything”
sweet, but…. ( not the case )
wade reminded me of everyone
ex lovers and fantasy charecters
it was insane and just plaIn sad
i got terrified of him
and he was ackting like quite the rodent in the flashlight as well
but golly
when did we all get so afraid here?
i was standing in the kitchen today
Leo was standing the chicken up in the roaster thing
“dancing chicken”
something about the getting the fat out…
obviously: i like fat
he cut off some big chunks
i convinced him to dress the dancing chicken up like an ’80’s pop star
with fatty shoulder pads
so it would melt down her shoulders
and she would glisten in the stage lights
–“allllllRight”
i let him touch everything
i stood back like a good director
i knew if i touched the fat or the bird
i would have to wash my hands again
and i got paranoid about all the poison oak up here
so have been washing my hands thouroughly
one minute or more of soap and warm water a few times a day
and he already made the comment
“what are you, Lady MacBeth?”
[is it that obvious? i always thought i hid it so well… still, there is blood… on my hands]
it made me think of my time with my brother over the last few years
i was about to say
“i didn’t realize my brother was such an obsessive compulsive germ freak”
but i didn’t
because
in truth
i always knew it
my whole family is afraid
we’re all afraid
i’m afraid too.
so how come i’m the only one who pretends he’s not?
and i looked at it
many times today…
as i lay in bed with Leo
i was afraid of his breath
whatever is going on in his intestines to make his breath smell like that
i don’t want in my intestines
people tell me my breath is intoxicating
and perhaps i am better as a commodity
as an abject (i meant to type “object”)
it is pride
but i want to keep my purity
god… something in this world has to be pure
i lay in bed with him
and was wary of him:
if he hugged me
it would hurt my hand
or my spine
or my eyes (he grabs me so hard and pulls me tight so quick, sticks his chin in my occular sockets)
i was terrified of him
and i realized i always went for men i was terrified of
physically
and then used my mental prowess to tame them
(lion tamer.. what joke did i used to tell about that? Ha ha!)
best them
control them
control my fears…
ok, i don’t get it
someone please explain
after all this time
i’ve realized that i’m still afraid
i still have LOTS of fear
TONS of it
and now i don’t believe i ever didn’t..
but what has allowed me to do what i’ve done?
do what i do?
i don’t pay attention to the fear?
i don’t feed it?
i ignore it? hide it? smash it? colour it? sell it? market it? shape it and give it away?
i put it in my pocket and lie about having it at all?
–“young america, young america… he was a young american”
–“it’s enough to make me break down and cry”
yeah… Right.
i wanted to respond to this post by Nayland…
but my response was too long
so i posted it in my journal
(ah, brevity is not my strong point… no need)
:
hmmm
i love this.
Today
my great-aunt Marlene died.
she was 68
and that’s old for our family
she was about her right body weight
but smoked like a chimney and drank like a drunk
worked in a latino biker bar in detroit…
when my sister called today to tell me she’d “passed”
my first thought and comment was “Good for her”
i am always happy to hear someone i know has died.
i was told at a young age that they go someplace better than here
and though i love this world and everything
a lot of people are starving for life and suffering through what they have
it’s alright
GO
that’s what we’re here for: we’re here to Go
(wink)
now, Nayland, you can send me back that post i deleted, and i’ll post it again
from the moment i heard of your gaining i saw it as a dangerous thing
as far as “health” and “life” is concerned
as i child
i was the only skinny kid in my family
they’re all fat
and they drop like flies in their late 50’s or early 60’s
heart attacks, diabetes, strokes
YEAH!
but i was skinny
and grew up in indiana
i HATED fat people
they really bugged me…
especially my brother…
but anyway
as i got more into myself
and accepted myself for who i was
i started making friends with the fat kids
(this was round age 13)
at age 14
i had my first bear
a 31 year old
5’8″
160#
but mostly muscle
(covered with fur, but for his face)
so i thought i always liked muscle bears
but i seduced another teacher of mine when i lived in england
at age 17
and he was fat
we would joke about how he was a “creme puff”
and i just loved him
it didn’t matter
but as i became more and more sexually active
i found i liked fat men so much more…
i would tell them many things:
“the soft and round is the archetype of the female… combined with the body hair and beard, as well as the general more masucline personality, a bear is both mother and father to me… as well as playful friend”
and
“well, if you had the choice of sharing your body with someone
would you rather do it with someone who hates their body
and starves it and pushes it against machines and shaves and waxes and drugs and all that shit?
or someone who obviously loves the sensual pleasures?
covered in a myriad of fine anntenae to feel all the pleasure
so evident in their voluptous bellies
from there succulent tastes adding to their jolly girth?”
i began to Love fat people
now it bothers me
to fetishize someone so much
i see myself do it so often
to pounce on some big fat guy
(the bears in brazil were all refering to themselves as Fat.. it helped me de-stygmatize the american meaning)
and love them for their size and weight
even if i would only love them Once…
for as AA brought up
i so often find hot fat men
who are just supressing all their feelings
they may enjoy the feeling of sugar on their toungue, sure
but no
not their deep rooted emotions
not even their present emotions
frustrating as all hell!
now, i can see why AA pointed that finger at you
you’re Shy
(etc…)
but in MY experience with you
you were open and loving and forward enough
(well, after a few years and then some more months actually, hmmmmm)
but i have also always believed that an Artist willingly chooses to abstract and stuff his emotions one way or another
that surpession is also a way of digestion
gestation
so it can burst forth
no matter how brutal
into something more brutal to be shared with others more fully
everyone can go through life just feeling their emotions
but to be able to stop that water
take it in hand
and give it back to the world as a fountain
or an ice sculpture
or… landscaping
it’s a gift
a gift we have to give.
so
as i said before
i wouldn’t really mind if you die
i mean, it’d be great for you
but i believe it will happen in its time
i’m not really too worried
and in my desires,
i DO want to spend more time with you
so DON’T DIE YET!!
(wink)
now you are at another art piece
where you are closer to death…
you get to balance it and shape it
touch it
and sleep with it
breathe it everday
people have often asked me about all the beautiful people in brazil
apparently it’s a cliche how beautiful they are
i can only respond
that
YES, they are beautiful
but only because of how desperate their lives are
how close they are to death at any moment
it is a luxury they do not have
that we suffer through greatly in this country
they cannot be abstracted and detatched from life too far
for at any turn
hunger or the hunger of another could put their life to a hasty Halt
it makes their souls burn brighter
and if bodies are anything
they are the material expression of our Souls…
so yes, their bodies so beautiful..
my body has always been my favourite art medium
though i am not pierced or tattoo’d…
i make love
and share that
letting others experience the lever we can be in our bodies together
( i have been feeling stifled, as you can tell, such all of my gushing here )
that morning at your house
my doing yoga naked in front of you was my way of not preaching
(as i am doing a bit here)
but just setting a good example
being in the body in a loveing sensual way
that IS healing
and healthy
and you can still be fat!
(i learned yoga from a bear and his wife)
but yes
gyms are a bore
dear
get out of that city
come up and walk the hills with me
lay your body down in the river
or the hot springs
let your skin get hot from the sun
barefoot on the sharp and loving ground
and turn on your head
“if you fall, i will catch you”
(laughs)
1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 23.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the whole sentence in your journal along with these instructions.
” While Newman’s queer hagiography of St Philip Neri offers a model for conduct and private devotion, Dalgairn’s work on Aelred suggests the public, communal potential for cultivating relationships of virginal friendship and using their love and energy to foster monastic harmony and productivity.”
the book?
“Same-Sex Desire in Victorian Religious Culture” by Frederick S. Roden
a book buried under the papers on Leo’s desk
( don’t know Leo? see him here: http://www.bearwww.com/theisen )
i just got here
so don’t have any of my books in the direct vacinity..
but i find it quite appropriate
as it is how i’m feeling at the time
(this place i am now is a franciscan hermitage, and he is a franciscan brother and episcopal priest… and this is actually what i have been wanting…
funny little Meme…)
I want everyone who reads this to ask me three questions, no more no less. Three is the number thou shalt ask, and the number of the questions shall be three. Ask me anything you want. Then I want you to go to your journal, copy and paste this allowing your friends (including myself) to ask you anything.
( i haven’t done this kind of thing yet… but was feeling like fishing in this manner tonight… so… Come On…)
so.
i am home.
second night.
i sit in the chair in front of the fire
having read to him from a book of collected short stories by Thomas Mann
(a tale called “The Will To Happiness” which features a character clinging onto life until he gets all he’s ever desired, and dying just then… as i have noticed so very often… with Tapestry… with countless others… in the tales i have heard recounted from the men of other generations that i have visited… as i am visiting one now.. fearing the same, i change my desires… and feel ill-at-ease here…)
it all feels familiar
frighteningly familiar, instead of comforting
the view from the deck was stunning today
the patina of greens of the valley and hills
the colours of the sky at sunrise and sunset…
i did not sleep well last night
and woke up with a sore throat
similar to the last time i returned here seeking comfort and home
— no rest and illness taking up residence in me…
i pity myself
and know not else what to do.
i am trying to breathe through it;
give it time.
how many have said to me in recent times
“let yourself be loved”
?
and how often had i said it to myself before now?
i know , i know…
there is a softness at my centre i fear
i don’t trust others to be gentle and not hurt me
yet in my recent rushing
i have been so harsh with myself…
i am amazed i am not totally wounded.
my wounds have been made quite fresh, though…
i am hoping this time in this house will give me the peace to listen to them
to lick them clean
and let them heal as they need to
not obscure them and abstract them into crystalis
which makes pretty lights
but is hardly useful for coming into the integrity i desire.
you know, i could talk on and on about this for hours
but tonight i am keeping it short
because i now have months and months to talk about it
and wish to do so with the thoroughness it deserves
i deserve.
mmmmmmmmm
much love to you all
i look forward to getting to know you
now that i am home.
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