Nestled inside a nice letter from my father to many of his friends and his family (excluding his wife, which of course doesn’t have oppinions on such things)
was a letter from some other father to some other sons.
nestled inside of that, was a doctrine of war, and fear.
(about how we must unite for this war or muslims will take over the world, we are the last bastian of hope for democrazy and freedom)
my father asked us for our thoughts
so i typed out this:
Well, first
i enjoy that this man went through a scientific propsition of setting up a scenario
creating a question
and then offering an answer
his answer, of course, presumes things that i do not presume in my every day life.
the most pivitol place of difference may exist in his answer to question #2.
why were we attacked?
well
perhaps looking at the world like this has something to do with it:
“We would no longer be the premier country in the world.”
if we think of the world, largely, as a place in which there are winners
and a hierarchy of the better
well, that creates competition
and in a realm of competition
there will always be fights
be it civilized
as in some sort of technology race
or a football game
or all-out bloody killing of eachother
do you think of the indigenous people of this land as being Lesser people?
the indigenous people of africa or south america?
Australia?
are we Model 2.0? and just replacing the old, out-dated and useless model?
or are these valid forms of creation and expression and being?
are all animals and natural patterns of the planet meant to be exploited and destroyed or controlled?
is your goal to eradicate all that is different than you
or only allow “difference” to fit into your catalogue of “known” and “familiar” experiences?
perhaps the people of muslim culture (and the french!)
don’t enjoy the fact
that the way american people think and live their lives
is being sold to the whole planet in an un-avoidable way
dictating that their children are being exposed to a culture based on abusing its nature and exploiting people to their greatest use
mixed with severe crisese of identity expressed in music and film and the culture surrounding those… as well as the media coverage of some of the strange things that happen in our culture as a result of our “freedom”
american culture is like a solvent
and shows every other culture, through the prolific spread of television and internet
-showing people that depend on tradition for a way of life-
that they can live other ways
and god won’t hate them
god won’t even care
it’s full on “tree of knowledge”, “garden of eden stuff”
and it kicks people out of something they’ve been doing for a long time
which is a way of focus… there are projects on this planet that take thousands and Millions of years to be fully expressed
though in the USA
most things get consumed and devoured and excreted as something to be forgotten (art, pop culture, architecture, social ideas…)
in a matter of a few years…
what we have in our country is amazing
the type of freedom we have
to be crazy or respectable in whatever ways we imagine
and have integrity enough to be carried out
but it completely debases very delicate and intricate cultures in a way we cannot perceive at large in America
because we don’t know that kind of subtly
because it cannot exist here
perhaps
if we didn’t act so Arrogant about believing that we had the right to force this on everyone
and THEN the audacity that we then have Authority over places we have instilled with “greed” and “poverty” in places where that used to not even been an option or a distinction.
not to mention how we feel we are free to control forien governments for our own base commercial profits
treating entire cutlures like companies
and forgetting entirely about the importance of each person’s humanity
this world has so many different things on it
and the difference brings out the beauty in ways that bring many weeping
and a depth of ecstasy that Many people never even get a taste of… having never known the vast extent to which existence can be expressed even under all of this planet’s limitations
perhaps
even
because this country is so a-spiritual
(religion is a terrible distance from real direct relationships with the infinity of our reality on a daily basis)
we forget how much we are loved and supported
we forget how we never have to be afraid and suffer so much
we forget how responsible we have to be for every action
and choice we make about how we live our lives.
we are too busy defending ourselves and trying to pretend we are things that we are not
we don’t get to know, sometimes, what we really feel and what we really desire
because
we have no structure in which to recognize who we are compared to the great alien world we don’t have a direct intimate relationship with…
but this is a human thing
and every culture does it differently
wouldn’t it be a kind of progress to decide that was important enough to grow out of ?
imagine how amazing that would make our culture again…
how much it would fertilze this country of freedom
for future dreams of simple people that we can’t even imagine yet..
can you believe, yet again
that you’re the good-guy
and there is a bad guy out there?
or that even We are the good-guys
and there’s a whole bunch of evil out there to corrupt our honkey-dory way of life?
we’re all just trying to live.
we all want to do it our way
what i think of this letter to someone’s sons
is how it makes me curious to what my own father would write to his sons to explain his relationship with his reality and what he wanted to offer to his sons, out of his love
in order to make their worlds a better place
————-
and sent it back to him and all of his friends
does anything get through to those i want to hear things?
there are always ear-wigs.
[ha! funny: i just slightly edited this to make it more understandable, and a little more forgiving and compassionate ]

i used to lay in often meditation
in a dark room of somewhere
image-in-ing my body
feeling every part of it
and filling it with light.
last night i pushed against the flow
making love in a way
[i guess] i’m just not supposed to make love
it left me feeling hollow
as if i had just cum out too much
i couldn’t open my eyes
it took me many many minutes before i could even conceive of moving again
and when it came time for sleep
i felt so limited
and so depleted
i didn’t want to be touched
so i could allow myself the time and space
to let all the energy in the universe flow back into me
as things naturally come back to whole…
but my meditation was different
instead of filling myself with light
last night i turned them all out
>>what would it be like if i made everything dark?<<
so i worked with the willing and let it all flow out
[gone]
the dreams of waking were strong
and i think it's funny
that for months i've not been able to remember my dreams
but the last two mornings…
is it being so close to the sea?
(oh, for y'all concerned about actual spacial relations… i'm on the coast now)
in one
i took a speed boat from our little cabin on the shore (fantasy)
and rode to a small island
where i slept among the rocks "to recover myself"
and how long did i lay among the softly crashing waves?
(this was like sleeping on that island in Acadia park…)
i kept hearing over the radio
my father calling out
"where are you, nick?"
i heard him summoning the police
i heard the police giving reports
and all asking for me
and me… just sleeping through it
cresting up into consciousness ever-so-briefly just to detect the worries…
and when i finally got in the boat
(like a small impororted mini convertable car…)
a cop pulled up on the small dusty lane and knocked on the window
… all appologies: i couldn't find the way to put the windows down…
~~~~~~~
another
i was at some kind of monastery
some kind of retreat
but it was such a cult
and it went from visiting
to fighting for my life
a special gun i had
that shot out waves of sound
parts of songs
(like an MP3 player, i had to pick what song i wanted to use for ammunition, find the right spot with the most powerful sound in the song to shoot at people)
oh
there was lots of running and hiding
and dodging and sneaking around
a final scene of me running down a hallway that would lead me to freedom
dodging throwing knives, star-knives, electric shocks
shooting down my attackers
(not killing them… knocking them out? sending them into some blissful musical interlude?)
with such skill i would speed myself up to slow down time enough to see exactly where each knife would go: none hit me
but then a kid, very much like a faery i know named Sage, taps me on the back
i stop
turn around
he says
"you know, you really don't need to go through all of this: if you want to leave… just leave. you don't have to be like us: it's OK."
the place was run by all these gay guys
really sweet
high-society queens, you know?
but i guess i just didn't feel comfortable…
and there was a third…
but the memories are so vague now:
some odd motherly figure…
that seemed more like an adversary
conversations?
i don't remember
they are cleaning the outside of these apartments
preparing to repaint them
there are loud noises out there
sanders
cars
and radios…
what time is it now?
ten o'clock
— i've been dreaming far too long
time to wake up.

Have i mentioned this?
Back in the day
the stories i hear…
The Toilet
The Ramp
The Mine Shaft…
the fags
pandering to the MaFia in New York City
pouring out their bleeding hearts
(and, lets face it, weeping cocks)
to any receptical that would have them
Rich Italians who knew how to turn screws and keep things going
the whole world based on a balance of manipulation
and exploitation
i think of the other tales he tells me of the early days
… the reminiscence than always flow from his lips when he gets liquored up
when he talks to be in bed
when we’re naked
and having just spent ourselves
these things that come from our hearts…
or come from the vaults our hearts have become…
“when i first entered the gay scene back then
it seemed that every person i met was really amazing
creative, artistic.. they all had these lives…
now they’re embarrassing
some of the older guys, the guys from my generation
at these bear things
they’re real people
but the young ones…
they’re just fat hairy queens buying into a dead culture
working some boring office job that says nothing about their personality or lives
and from which they’ll never advance because of the glass ceiling they hit from being gay..
just like the women or the chinese
what happened to all the amazing people?
it seems it’s embarrassing to be gay these days…”
hmmm
just what i thought when i came out at age 15
believing all fags to be like oscar wilde, morrissey and Allen Ginsberg (not to mention Whitman)
and finding the drug-addled bitchy empty queens of indianapolis…
what inspiration can we find here?
in this sea of conformity and bought-and-sold personalities?
i know i often tell this story in real time when i am explaining to someone what the “rainbow family” is
and, regrettably, they mostly terrify me…
but
back in the 70’s
some of the hippies
(who weren’t hippies, probably, but did these things from their hearts… not from the great current of fashion)
realized that Miller Lite and WXRZ and fucking Doritos or whatever
that were comming into subsidize their events
sit-ins
marches
concerts
or whatever
weren’t doing it out of love
but just leeching the energy…
they split off
forming gatherings where no commercialism was allowed
and they still meet these days…
let’s put it this way:
we are all whores
for the most part
but there are respectable whores
and that’s a whore who not only lover her John
but loves her Work.
we work
we all work
we sell our bodies
we sell our hearts
specifically in this Country
we sell our dreams
we work hard
we give up more than 70% of our lives, often
to making money
what the fuck are we doing?
we’ll not get into that
but let’s just work on this simple premise:
we make our sacrifices
sell our lives in trade for cash
(or credit, many of us)
and then we use that to manipulate our lives…
our money is our life
and we give it to Comcast?
we give it to the war in iraq?
to calvin klien?
we give it to mcDonald’s and Disneyland?
nothing flows one-way
everything’s gotta find it’s balance
and in the law of homeostasis
it’s gotta be equal on both sides
so you give your well-processed life over to a big corporation
make it a little bigger
and it flows back into you to fill up that empty space that once held your life
and how does that feel?
once upone a thyme you were filled with dreams and desires and passions
and now your filled with pat sit-coms and poisonous processed shit-dead food.
tell me, honey
when did this become a good buy to you?
let’s get back to fags
and hippies
and heck
new-age spiritualists
buddhists
scientologists!
mormons and opus dei
what the fuck ever
dilute it and sell it to the abuse of the impersonal who couldn’t give two shits about you
these are the large leeches who get you addicted to their poisons
while draining your bodies…
good parasites
lets the hosts live long
lets them die apparently naturally from the the mal-nourished life of living off of empty ideals…
Um
whatever happen to the bright colours of our lives?
did Tide really preserve them?
did clorox not prove to be so colour-fast?
the UV from “Friends” a bit much
soften your vision
and bleach out your reality.
ugh
the depth of our sadness and disappointment
well, PAY ATTENTION
fuck
what the hell are you doing with your energy?
me?
i’m sitting on a hill and waiting til i feel strong enough to go back into the fray and get devoured again
what else is there to do in this world of hungry birds?
(cough cough)

i feel like i need my time.
i feel imposed on all sides
is it the sun in cancer?
or the waning moon?
why am i so anti-social right now?
more strongly than i remember myself ever being
is this fostering the anger so?
feeling frustrated by the prolific pretensions i’m perceiving around me everywhere
feeling imposed upon…
what knocked down my walls so heavily?
the desires
the lusts
tied strong
pulling the opposition
against the understanding that i don’t need such violation to feel alive
there is a desperation
a curiosity
what it would be like to be with someone in love not based on such crude things
but how could i do that
with someone so crude?
so crude as myself…
i’m amazed by the flow of time
the waves of emotions
just when i felt i was following an undercurrent that lead me to seeking out ways to find the light, positive parts of my heart
just when i felt there were doors opening of giving and pleasure
slammed and broken things clattered into the room
and left me feeling sad, abused, and mistaken.
i’d been waiting for a few weeks for these things to arrive from the computer companies that i’d ordered from Jacov’s credit card
that he offered me for a birthday present
a new hard drive…
when it finally arrived
i copied over my data to it
and then
it promptly died:
my data stuck on it
it locks up my computer every time i go to access it
the catholic guilt i have
makes me think i keep doing things wrong
purge purge purge
would a million days of fasting cure me of this?
i read on line that a woman had fasted for 131 days
forget the world
float down the river
fly off the mountain…
what’s she say while she’s singing?
“will misery turn beautiful right before our eyes?
or blind us where we stand…
will we burn in heaven
like we do down here?
will the change come while we’re waiting?
everyone is waiting…”
bridget didn’t really like it
thought it sounded too Country
— i remember the days i had of such musical prejudice
Ah
it was good to see her
sad that it accompanied all my stuff falling apart
and my mood turning foul…
or was that just my drinking lots of absinth?
i’ve forgotten
but i think it makes my breath smell like terrible cleansing fluid
so i will drink it lightly
in california one cannot get alcohol stronger than 75%
which i find odd
with all these herbalists…
how to make all our tinctures?
still, it seems to be working well enough
i’m quite amazed by the herbal blend
and have enjoyed sharing it with friends
walking barefoot on the roads around the hermitage
seeing the lights dancing in the trees as the evening falls down around the house
(laughs)
the obsidian hot in my hands…
comming back to food has been fun
heavy and slow
it makes me so lazy
loving the flavours
the bitter
the sweet
the meat…
not much cheese yet.
red wine, though
back with Leo
red wine…
writing is the pressure valve
shhhhh
listen
just let me tell you something
let me tell you about my fears and frustrations
let me tell you about my little loves
the good cookie from the shop
some boy who fell in love on the street
the joy of old friends
firm in our imperfections
seeing an old vehicle
knowing friends still love us
in our different ways
and different growths
feeling our desires
flying into and through our fantasies
i had a dream i remembered
yesterday morning
got caught shoplifting!
made to work in a resturant/prision camp
(?)
after the first few days they let me walk out from the barracks and mimick with the people
meander?
mingle
yes
because i had good social skills
everyone instantly liked me
a good confidence trickster
and most of the other prisoners there were famous in some way
it was a small town like Mendocino here
or WoodStock
abandoned by anything useful
over to tourism towards good food and a new age ambiance
the woman who ran the place was like Mrs Madrigal
and knew me back to front just from the way i presented myself
she gave me lee-way
but kept her leash tight
here i am with the beautiful people
the intelligent people
the creative and dashing
slaves to those who know
how to just enjoy life.

y’all’ve heard that thing Da-Vinchi said, right?
he’ws always talkin’bout how he
like
Free’d his sculptures from the blocks of stone…
Well
i’ve created my room in much the same manner.
it’s been a long time since i had a room
and
i mean
a long time.
i left my room in 1997
stayed in other people’s houses all that year
and at the beginning of ’98
i was renting a room in the basement in denver
but
i didn’t really make it MY room
there was nothing in it
it was just where i slept between working
and… whatever else i did in Denver…
in arizona
same thing
the only rooms i had
were other people’s room
and if i had “my own”
it was filled with their stuff
mine was just a visitors.
and i went back to my parent’s house to de-construct and obliterate my room there…
i had a few rooms in ’99
but none of them were really mine
though i rented a room in portland
my room was a storage space
nothing on the walls
no furniture:
i slept on a nicely layed out pile of blankets against the wall
surrounded by haphazad boxes
or i slept outside in the back yard:
sleeping bag in the grass.
an attempted shared apartment with a lover…
but was it mine?
i specifically remember putting up decorations and getting critiqued about them
but i DID get to decorate
…
hmmm
maybe i kinda had a room then
but it was never my own
it was very much Ours
(ah, the nostalgia in that…)
in 2000
borrowed rooms in many places
NYC, africa, arizona, arkansas
eventually the hills of california
where i specifically had a Tree
in a forest
with a pile of blanets layed nicely under a hut of branches
under the tree…
candels and clothing around
perhaps this defined my space
though the darkness could always get in…
and when i got a Room
(after the rain came and washed me all away)
it was shared with my Doppelganger, Zygoat.
2001
was so much travelling
a tent in mongolia
and eventually the Hermitage
and though i got to take it over
and make it My house
i didn’t have a My room
i slept in Leo’s room
(in Leo’s house)
2002
i had my own apartment
a few times
but really
it was just borrowed places
in Amsterdam
Switzerland
Italy
Lyon
even London
but not mine…
2003
i had Vic, my van
and that was my room
my house
my car
but it’s not the same, is it?
now
i have a room
i’ve had it for months this year
this year
officially into its second half
i’ve now taken this room
removing all of its original set-up
and having reconstructed it
from the wreckage of Leo leaving this house
and all my collected STUFF from these travels
beginning to take shape around me
as if i’m freeing my domesticated self from the Ore of my wild life.
to sit here
on the firm bed
cushion against the wall
tea-tray over legs with lap top
candle burning…
Behind me
my buzzing back
Jay is practicing his Didge[ridoo]
Bridget is resting her body in the bathtub
first bath in weeks
they are resting
today i have eaten…
i had vegetables in my miso soup…
i had peaches..
i had sprouted wheat manna bread with dates and cinnamon
covered with raw almond butter
and some sourghoum syrup
and then a nibble at the wonderful granola/trail-mix that Jeff made for me
not very sweet
savory:
ginger/cayanne/cumin
oats, honey, raisins
my room has a floor now
yes,
still a pile of books on the floor
a pile of beautiful stones
some clothes
and a large box (one of two) unfiled herbs…
in a few days
this room will be somewhere for me to come back to.

it occurs to me that the majority of humanity occupies most of their time fighting entropy.
wait, that’s wrong.
that is what is taught to us, let’s say
that we are to make things better and better every day
until we’re immortal?
my being an animal has confusion and trouble with this
i’m trying now to settle into the simplicity of myself
my animal
and i’m angry
(laughs)
scared animal?
sure: most of them are
there is a maniac race trying to make it impossible for them to live so that only one race survives
and when that is complete
that race will then make it impossible for all of those lesser than they to survive
(once, of course, they have advanced their technology enough not to need their lowly servants)
once that is complete
will they discover love?
and all unify into one being?
(laughs)
or will then then kill each other by amazing advanced means
now being immortal
it being very difficult
like a cult of vampires
just dramatically sucking the life out of their adversaries (as everything has become at this point)
and when that is complete
and one Man (will it be a man or a woman? will this race be fit to call “man” at that point?)
will reach up and take God’s hand
and everything will cease.
(laughs)
Neck Exercises…
a friend sent me a link to do neck exercises
and it occurred to me as silly
as all beauty ads appeal
as all fashion ads appeal
to this “not looking your age”
or even “not looking like you live the kind of life you live”
one of the things i love about yoga is
it is a way of life
one of the reasons i respect Leo so much
is his Way of Live
(it’s all about the Way, right?)
Leo talks to god a few times every day
it doesn’t matter if it’s in the form of christianity
what the fuck ever
how many times a day (laughs — week? month?) do you sit down and devote an hour or so to connecting with your idea of eternity?
many people have referred to me as “yogi”
being up here, though, almost makes me stop doing yoga.
being in the city makes me do yoga every day
i have to work so hard against turning into Cement
up here
i just sway with the breeze
time to do a little “climb the tree” yoga
yes..
(laughs)
Oh, by the way, i got that antenna out of the tree
climbed up there with only a lock-pliers thing…
aluminum!
broke off all the spokes
undid the bolts
used the free’d metal pole to pry one of the broken metal pieces out of the tree that had grown around it
but the other one
i could not get
and it made me think of the middle-age’d men i sometimes try to Change
Heal
whatever
Old
they’d been living this way a LONG TIME
i come by
and rip out something they’ve grown around
sure, something that isn’t good for them
or helps them
something that’s a burden
something that’s creating unhealthy patterns for them
but then they’re left with a gaping Hole!
and there are always bits that remain…
even a scar is a reminder.
(sigh)
but i felt the tree was happier
and i checked in with myself
>> are you doing this for yourself or for the tree?<<
of course, for myself
but yes, for the tree
it's good to do things for both of us
and i believe we were both happier.
today i had my first massage client up here
and it was great
i , being on the 10th day of fasting, worked very slow
the massage was 2.5hrs and i didn't do nearly as much as i generally do on the back
but then
he was hairy
and was allergic to oil, so we were using a strange lotion substance
what does the word "emollient" mean?
i'll look it up…
but anyway
he was amazed
he gets massaged all the time
and he said this was the best he'd ever had
(which i actually hear a lot)
$220
which made me feel really good.
it gave me license to be lazy the rest of the day and just get nothing done
(laughs)
which leads me back to neck excercises
(damn! i keep putting the "c" after the "x" when it just ISN'T necessary, i've gotta learn)
i just don't feel like i'm really working on making myself better
i feel the crux of this dilemma is not that i'm arrogant enough to think i don't need to improve
i actually said to someone online to day ' i'm only 26, i've got a lot of growing yet to do '
but i feel so …
what is it?
i don't want to say i feel hopeless
michael moore's new film is direct example that you can change things
he's done a great job
and that's uplifting
maybe i'm getting Zen and feeling that it's just not important
nothing is anything anyway
and though that's a viewpoint
i've always hated it
it's so pointless
but then
i look at things
and they certainly SEEM pointless
but life goes on
day by day
whatever your life is
and i think most people just try and forget about the meaning of things
the reasons
the why's
coz they don't make any sense
and they're not clear
and they're really hardly very useful anyway
unless you elevate yourself to the level where you're actually manipulating the Whys
or come to a level of consciousness where you know all the time that you're in accord with a Why you agree with
and it really is more pleasureable to just eat food you like
and do what you like
and perpetuate cycles
and let the river flow
and keep things as they're going
as they'll always go
entropy all ways wins in the end anyway
so it doesn't really matter
and though there are people who are Go-Getters acting out their passions and perversions on the World At Large
you can always sit on a mountain top
and Think about suing the wine company down there who are spraying chemicals every day with their loud tractors…
but you can always move to an other mountain further away
smoke yourself into a stooper and get on with your life there
or move to another country and learn the language to a degree
reclude, to a degree
enjoy a foreign culture you'll never know the nuances of
thus enjoy more
and try to ignore the rampant destruction going on there
to feed the country you left
who are trying to devour the world.
Hm.
i'm in a hole, aren't i?
excuse me? how do i get out of here?
were is there to go?
mmmm
i'll find a nice river
and jump in
and see where it takes me.
this isn't helping, sorry.
hopefully, no one read this far
la la la.
post it anyway?
Sure: be where you are kid.
alright
as meaningless as it seems
i love ya all.

ah, but underneath
there is always something else
and we can say
it is beautiful
sure, i’m just waking up
the tractors and growling in the valley
preparing wine and other products
and the sky is gentle and pale
and i
i am still too groggy to be fully here
which is A-OK
(helicopter beating in the distance)
before i went to sleep last night i remembered something i wanted to write about
when Leo came back this week
he was only here for a day
i’d asked him to bring some things over from the civilized world to the mountain top
— he’d forgotten all of them
which made me angry
but i very quickly told him that
and just let it go
he was very tired, has he often is now
(working a lot)
i’ve made him this tea…
yerba Mate, Oatstraw, Damiana
in order to produce more testosterone in his body
and nourish him as he gives himself his morning stimulants
it’s also a major aphrodesiac blend
we lay naked and talked on the couch for a while
and then we decided to move out to the bed in the sun on the deck
i grabbed my massage oil
and told him to lay down on his back
now
i’ve been making all my money from massage for 3 years now
BUT
i’ve been doing massage out of love for over 16 years…
and so i started loving him
— he’s only had one massage before in his life
and it was me.
i rested into our energy field
called in peace and healing and love
then started the massage
gentle caresses
deep pressure on very tight neck muscles
falling-so-in-motherly-love
as i so often do…
many years ago i had a lover
and once
i asked him to give me a massage
he said he didn’t really know how to do it
and i said ‘ that’s ok ‘
and he just did it
and it was the best massage i’d ever had in my life
because he loved me.
(thank you robbit)
and it brought me into the understanding that the most healing thing is love
so i let myself come into a place of love for each person that i’m working on…
but to actually get to work on a lover… (i’ve known Leo over 3 years)
so beautiful
and i had to kiss him
(laughs)
caressing him
sending energy through him
smoothing his tension
enjoying his flesh
listening to his soft moaning
his soft snoring
i worked for about an hour when he said he was very thirsty
(we were laying in the sun)
so i told him i’d get his drink…
‘ should i pour it into your mouth? ‘
“mmm, i’d rather you put it in your mouth and kiss it into mine”
so yes
i did
a whole bottle of juice
and we were then devouring eachother
and culminating in love in the sun
with the beautiful valley below us
witnessed by a thousand trees
and the sky
two nights ago
there was an old friend of Leo’s here
a man i’ve also known a few years
he’s celibate
but we are sensual together
— he’s also Very uptight
and i got the feeling he came here to REACT to all of his restrictions
he started drinking alcohol and smoking lots of pot
they said
“oh, let me give you a massage”
which lasted maybe ten minutes
when he said he had to lay down or he’d pass out
hmmm
so i started massaging him
and went for an hour, probably
dum-de-dum
and when the orgasm was getting involved
i was so conscious of prayers
and calling in such loving blessings, beauty and release
no guilt, no shame, free loving…
there was a big explosion
that left me feeling very empty
and i didn’t really realize it til the next morning
but he is one of those men that keeps it all to himself
his energy
maybe that’s his vow of chastity? maybe it’s his up-tight personality
but he doesn’t share
and so i was open and giving with my energy
and just got drained
from lack of any return.
in the morning i felt used and sad
and was glad to see him go.
feeling so alone, so abused
i perpetuated it in the morning
eventually
working my way through my bear pictures and starting to masturbate
when a surprise picture of a current lover of mine came up
he’d just snapped the picture for me a few days ago
after reading something i’d written for him
a picture’s worth a thousand words, so that was his response
as he typed very little
and maybe it was because i was so open
and culling the pictures for their somewhat stale lust intrinsic in the taking
that i caught his message this time
and it stopped my hand
and pulled my energy into my heart
fixed on his blue eyes
i blew him a kiss and said ‘ thank you ‘
and got on with my day in more productive and loving ways.
good morning.

Ok
things i want to understand (write about)
:
the importance of celibacy
Or
knowing when and why to have sex
and being honest about why not to.
birth control.
and
my ignorance to my own process has become unacceptable
i am angry about EVERYTHING and it is, of course, eating me up
what is this?
—–
“… as a person learns to love, she or he enters a deep spiritual process based on truth, and the hitherto confusing drive for sex diminishes. While many may confuse romance with love, romance lacks the truth, openness, and vulnerability of love. The romantic relationship is one that seeks excitement, the sharing of pleasure. The growth relationship leaves the romantic stage to pass through the initiation trial of love. Love seeks further truth, further sharing of self. The quality of love for and from another depends on the depth of appreciation and love for oneself, attainable through acceptance of self, including one’s sexuality.”
Arthur Melville, “With Eyes to See”
I would have to admit that i have always wanted the deep truth of love out of my relationships
and after years of pushing hard to get it and not getting it back
i have yielded
i have given up on it
with much dissatisfaction and grumbling, though
and am not happy with my relationships now
and though i must be careful now about turning my knives back on myself
as i so often do
it appears to me that i do not know myself truthfully
a kid has started writing to me from this journal
and the interraction has made me angry… as everything is doing right now.
though, this context is
he weaves himself out of poetry (much as i do, but in a more learn’d way)
and seems to perceive things in me that i view as flaws
and he says them
not that they’re really flaws
but show me up as being imperfect
when i have such difficulty accepting that at periods in my life
i am rejecting everything right now
a guy i met in brazil, and again at wolf creek
is sending me oodles of astrology interpretation from some site
which is something i’ve always avoided because i prefer to make my own interpretations
but they are SO important to him
and he fills the introductory paragraphs of the emails with details about how the data in there will enrich me so much
and oh, from the writing of the authour, this is surely a time of great change for me
and blah blah blah
it makes me angry!
NOW is always a time of great change
should one choose to make it so
but hearing that from someone who’s constantly constantly constantly doing self-improvement makes it sound like a TV show i should be watching or a drug i should be doing or a team i should be rooting for, etc…
i don’t wanna!
but then, that’s me
yearning for family
but not liking to be included in groups
(flaws)
why try so hard?
well
i don’t know
i tried very hard to figure myself out for many years
and it succeeded in my building a persona that i was more happy with
but it wasn’t me, see
and that just isn’t fair
rather, isn’t real
and isn’t integrity
now, i don’t want to acquiesce to submitting to my ruts and patterns and saying i’ll just be in them forever
but i’ve been having relationships with men twice my age for over ten years now
and i don’t see much option
that is
we get older
and just keep doing the same shit
over and over and over and over
we move an inch, maybe an inch a year
yeah
but why try so hard
when
it’s gonna happen anyway?
sure
be in touch with the process
but fixate on it?
well, everyone needs something to live by.
Robert once told me there didn’t need to be a rush
we had all the time in the world
and it was, of course, just as i’d come to understand this myself
perhaps both of us have forgotten that understanding now
but i’m sure both of us remember having it
past epiphanies gone abstract…
Eli got angry at me in years past for fixating on my own growth, as i’m angry about now
for this very reason
: it’s vulgar and crass to make your live so base as to focus on the fundaments of living like that
have a REAL life
and work it out through that.
and what is a Real life?
being among the people
Friday-night Poker
Parish Meetings
creating art to share with a city, a world
real life includes all of us
the whole of the self.
not just little broken pieces
like being obsessed about sex.
now
i’m a pretty sexual guy
and it seems like i’ve been obsessed about sex since before i even hit puberty
always wanting to be naked and touching people
(not that i ever got to as a child, but i remember desiring to be naked with my parents, to sleep with them.. nothing sexual, but that un-adorned intimacy)
discovering my dad’s “playboy”s at age 8… or 6…
porn at 10
sex and 12
meeting people from the computer at 14
and it’s all slid away from there
when i’m up here on this mountain
no matter my intentions
i find myself getting stuck on the computer anywhere from 2 to 4 hours almost every time i log on
checking my email, yes
but my bear profiles
everywhere
cruising around
getting pictures
it all started here
after my ritual to put myself back into integrity..
i’d not been interested in porn from the age of 14 to 23
but the end of 2001
i would sit on the computer up here for near 16 hours (more?)
jacking off continually
web cam
bear profiles
etc etc
it was a mess
an incredible waste of energy
and i’ve ALWAYS been a computer addict
since i got one at age 10
since i got nintendo at age 8
BUT
once i could take it from the level of a video game
and actually dial-up a reality
(that is, cruise the video game, find a person, and then meet them in reality…)
it became even more addictive
all the cauldron work is still done alone
but the culmination involves some personality.
i’ve often wished i were celibate
i spent almost the entire year of my time in england (at age 17) being celibate
because i didn’t know how to access gay culture
and i was really wishing i could
perhaps
be straight
what i really wanted
i understand
was to have control over my sexuality
i realized
when i wasn’t masturbating like mad
or constantly having throw-away sex
i had so much more creative energy
i also constantly got messages
from the faries.. the voices in my head… my spirit guides… whatever
that every time i had sex like that
i was losing parts of myself
and now i feel like a debased wasted version of the potential i once had
sold myself to orgasm
the little death became a big one
now, i don’t want to be all terminalistic
but a lot of people notice i am being
i had a many subtle pleas not to fast until i disappeared
i’m not a hunger artist
but i don’t know what to eat in life right now that doesn’t make me angry: ill.
is this what AIDS feels like?
if anyone’s reading this that is working through that in a conscious way
tell me
because i know so many of you who seem to have such a strong desire to live against such adversity
and i just don’t understand it
so perhaps it has nothing to do with this…
but i have to include this paragraph because i was scared to write it.
it’s just my own type of depression
and what am i depressing?
i got angry at my dad for making me feel like i had to depress my love
i’m suppressing it all
and the steam is burning
the only thing getting out is my anger
frustration
what am i afraid of?
where is the festering sore?
i’m so near to loving, what’s keeping me?
”
there are very many things i would like to say to you
but i’ve lost my way
and i’ve lost my words
there are very many places i would like to go but i
can’t find the key
to open my door
the weight of my words
you can’t feel it anymore
the weight of my words
you can’t feel it anymore
there are very many ways i would like to break the spell
you’ve cast upon
me
coz all the time i’ve sacrificed myself
to make you want
me
has made you haunt
me
the weight of my words
you can’t feel it anymore
the weight of my words
you can’t feel it anymore
the weight of my words
you can’t feel it anymore
there are very many things i would like to say to you
but i’ve lost my way
and i’ve lost my words
there are very many places i would like to go but i
can’t find the key
to open my door
”
“the weight of my words” — Kings of Convenience
i remember that i view all relationships as a manifestation of a relationship with the self
because
of course
if you cannot be honest with yourself
you cannot be with anyone else
if you cannot love yourself
you cannot love another
and cannot receive…
“the greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return”

today was the first day of the salt-water flush part of my cleanse
here’s more on it:
http://curezone.com/cleanse/bowel/master_cleanse.asp
http://www.bc1.com/~vitagem/Master_Cleanser.htm
it left me feeling strange all day
after i drank the salt water
at 6:30 in the morning or whatever
i got back in bed
and slept until 9 something
where i was awoke by this guy i’d met on line while i was in brazil
he was really into the “master” thing
and though i’ve never done that
i’ve always been attracted to it
but that
when i actually meet a guy
my sensors go off and i can never trust someone’s integrity over my own
so i never give control over
when that is what is necessary to be a slave
and to willingly submit to a greater power
is to let one’s self be led
and to be led into wholeness
that is what he was offering
of course
when i met him
i felt like he was the same as everyone i knew in SF
(grrrr, i don’t mean to be so judgmental sorry, Most people i know in SF)
a friend described them as “Pez people”
which i thought was hilarious
but not that, no
just a desperate desire for closeness
in a city that has bred a specific type of distance between people
everyone hungry for reality
in a land full of actors.
he asked me what i was going through
and half way through my explanation
he stopped me to get a word in edge-wise
and went off on his own agenda
basically telling me
that my not calling him back was denying him the right to spend time with me
i felt like he just didn’t understand
i didn’t want to
or i obviously would
but i was too tired for such things.
i sat and let the water pour through me.
then i went to get on line
with the intention of finishing yesterday’s journal entry
that got cut-off in the middle of the writing of it due to the keyboard locking up
i ended up spending a few hours on the computer
getting all sexually worked up and distracted
and
i’m sure
blocking some phone calls
but when i got off the computer
no one called all day
i lay in the sun
read another story by mr delaney
had some lemonade
and embarked on cleaning the house a bit
Leo wanted me to sweep the back porch
one thing leads to another
and i started on the Buddhist practice of “sweeping the path”
that is
this house has lots of dirt and rock paths
all littered with leaves and cobwebs and other droppings from trees
i spent over two hours sweeping around the house
sweeping the dirt
making it clear
(laughs)
then
exhausted
i realized i’d not really had enough nourishment today
so i quickly downed a glass of lemonade
had another
and lay down to read Arthur’s book
the day had gone so quickly
a short conversation with Leo
and the sun was gone
i went in with the intention of cleaning my room
but got on the computer to update my yahoo-profiles
because
earlier in the day
i had the yahoo messanger open
and some guy messaged me asking me if i was a member of the “Talaban”
or if i worked for them
at first
i thought it was someone i knew playing a game with me
i didn’t answer that question of course
coz of how inane it is
i tried to figure out who he was
he started getting angry and mean at me
saying i looked “mean and evil”
and as i tried to explain myself
he said
“oh, you live on a mountain top. how are you talking to me on line then? who’s electricity are you stealing?”
i started pointing out that he was really scared and jumping to conclusions and what happened to him that made him so afraid
then he really lashed out
and told me he was going to turn me into the FBI for stealing money from good americans and stealing their electricity too
what the fuck?
so i looked into him
i thought he was this puerto rican guy i talked with last year on the internet
turns out it wasn’t him
it was his “lover”
new lover as far as i could tell
coz this guy didn’t have one last year
though he was desperate for one
both me and my friend Dani he’d gone really strong for
trying to marry us
even though he didn’t know us
you know
passionate desperate fantasies
still
all this being said
this guy kinda freaked me out
per the example in Michael Moore’s movie
of a man being investigaed by the FBI because he’d made a comment about the fucked up nature of the government while working out at the gym
i knew people were fear-ridden and insecure enough to do shit like that
and is there a user-friendly and easy way to report people to the FBI like big brother tells you to?
Yes, there are signs all over NYC, i’ve seen them
… the last thing i need
but then
i don’t really do anything illegal
but for not paying taxes
and
the entire life i lead
anyway
i got back on the computer
for what i meant to be a short time
but it was four hours later…
i’d made a joke in a message to a friend of mine
alluding to my being a computer addict
but damn
sometimes it’s hard to quit!
anyway
on with today’s voiding
and cleaning
and cleansing
and listening…

Funerals.
There’s been a lot of Funerals lately
Leo’s had three at his church
no pastor around there remembers such a time.
i left yesterday to go into town to get Lemons
but they weren’t there
nor in the next town
nor what else i wanted in that town
so i travelled further
and decided to subject myself to People
and movies
and money
bought lemons and CDs and books
and today
i saw a movie
Fahrenheit 9/11
which
unlike my companion
didn’t depress me
but did fill me with sadness
still, also Hope.
i know where Michael Moore comes from
i’ve been there
my parents are from the same state and simliar lives
i grew up south of there
i know where he comes from
there is an incredible sadness knowing that we’ve been lied to and stolen from and duped
ripped off because of our love and trusting
especially for something as basic as a Home Land
our Country.
(laughs)
but he did this to ask that it not continue happening
and if one thing can stop destructive behaviour
it’s knowledge
or it’s love
or it’s something un-nameable
i’m fasting
and i love how that makes me feel
so slow and steady
so clear on what i’m feeling and what’s happening
( is it also the huge hematite necklace i’m wearing around my neck? the memories have been flashing all day, this morning i walked through my paternal-grand-parents’ house… )
and the people i met today
made me feel sad as well, and a bit abstract
people who have energy
don’t know what to do with it
and just do what they can…
even if it isn’t particularily what they Want to do or like
but a path is made
and they just walk it
ride it, if they can
hoping it’s all down-hill from here…
(yeah)
but,
as i drove down those windy narrow mountain roads
going the speed i was comfortable with
and getting annoyed by the soccer-moms in SUVs just trying to get home at 65mph
i realized that my slowing down or breaking quickly wasn’t neccessary
it wasn’t important, it was needed for me to control them
i could just go as i wanted
they could ride my tail
an accident wasn’t going to happen
all was well
just
go
my
own
way
and sure
there is lonliness in that
sometimes
but who cares?
i only need a few friends
they just have to be real.
When i left Ukiah
i decided to go to a cruising park i’d heard about
that was also supposed to be in a beautiful area
and it was a beautiful area
but i didn’t like the way it felt
there were lots of families
and poison oak everywhere
and… Joggers
and people on boats in the water close to shore
blaring very angry loud music
i wasn’t really in the space…
but did play with a mexican in the woods a little
(grin)_
and as i was about to leave
a man of my style arrived in a big pick-up
so i went over to talk with him
and realized i knew him from on-line
so we talked for nearly an hour
he pointed out a light in the sky
like how jupiter looks at night
but this was around 5:00pm
it was very odd to see
it moved very slowly across the sky,
very very slowly– so it looked like it wasn’t moving at all
i had trouble seeing it
staring into such BLUE made my eyes go all wormy
you know how that happens?
when all you see is the reflection of your retina: all the blood vessels pulsing?
eventually we got tired of looking for it
it would drift in and out of our vision
and i decided it was time for me to go
feeling very light-headed and tired
i’d not really drank enough water nor lemonade today
so he left
and i went back to the Jeep and got my bottle
and noticed a man i’d noticed earlier
an old man
very wizened face
eyes ravaged by time
long hair
short beard
very big hands
all liver-speckled
i went and sat down to talk with him
he was smoking some pot
and offered me some
i took the lightest of breaths from it
and we started talking
it was kinda painful
he told me he was just here to take a break
he’d gone to a funeral yesterday
and he didn’t go to funerals
but he went to this one
an old buddy of his
who went back to viet-nam a long time ago
and had no intention of ever comming back
apparently he’d fallen off a boat and they found him floating in the river
he came back in an urn
to his wife?
some gal who was his friend
and she’d planned to take the ashes back to vietnam to scatter them there
because that’s where he wanted to be
He said: “she’s wasting her time: he’s still there. he never left. all that is
is a hand-ful of ashes”
what happened?
there was So Much Silence
he was watching a woman on a blanket with her boyfriend
their dog came over
its rope too short to reach us
it started whimpering
he said
“i hate dogs.
i’m a dog.
we’re all dogs.
i hate dogs.
they’re rude creatures
shit everywhere. rip up everything.
i hate them ”
there was a pause
“ah, if she shows me her cunt one more time i’m going to go over there and plow it”
i’ve been told
though i am not a connoisseur of straight men
that if he ever mentions anything about sex
it means he wants to have it
and he’ll probably have i with you
i laughed and said
‘ you can’t do that, though. she’s got a dog and a boy friend ‘
“she’s got two dogs
fuckin dogs
…
dogs lick their balls
… coz they can”
‘and you would too
if you could!’
“naw..
i wouldn’t
though i like having it done to me”
one of those fear responses came up in me
take the risk?
sure, i never have before, to be so bold (laughs)
it seemed like a challenge
‘ well, if you need it done, i’d be happy to do it for ya ‘
he takes a draw off his pipe
“no offense, but i’d rather have someone like Her do it”
right
so he says
he was born a cripple
polio
grew up with a stunted left leg…
doctors cut his right leg and clamped it to keep it from growing at age 6
and by the age of 10 he could stand flat on two feet
for the first time in his life
the look in his eyes was miraculous…
then he got slow and angry again
“then those motherfuckers fucked it up”
they took out the plates, saying he didn’t need them anymore
and his right foot grew another three-quarters of an inch
“they got me straightened out… then left me all crooked again”
he had such anger
the conversation was floating
as heavily emotional marijuana conversations do
he was in so much pain and so angry
i said
‘ ah, but you’re still here… which means you love something enough to keep you here…
what do you love? ‘
he said he loved him self, and most women…
after a long pause
said he had a bunch of illegitimate children
and he fucking didn’t care about any of them
trash, as far as he was concerned
but then, he said, he’d almost always hated children
‘ when did you start hating children ? ‘
he told me he was put in an iron lung as a baby
came home from the hospital for the first time at the age of three
had many older brothers and sisters
and he remembers this, even though he was only three
laying there in the room with all of his siblings playing
– two older boys were holding a blanket
with a younger kid inside it
they would swing it back and forth, and back and…
let ’em go so they’d fly through the air to land on the bed
so he called out, he wanted to go
the put him in the blanket and swung him back and forth, and back and forth
and they let go of the blanket the opposite direction
so he went sailing down stairwell
like a little metiorite
wrapped up in that blanket
banging down 1 and a half flights of stairs
said it was pretty clear to him that’s when he started hating children
that was an intense betrayal to be subject to
i understood his anger
and it resonated with the stories i’d learned about my own childhood (once forgotten)
about the betrayals i’d suffered
but i feel i’d gone through a lot of re-viewing, re-understanding
because i didn’t want to be 65 or whatever like this guy
and be carrying around such rage
at the ignorant actions made by people who had no ideas how to treat themselves
much less a young burgeoning life…
during that pause of my thinking
he’d prepared another story
” when i was seven
in school
i often got picked on
i was sitting in a chair by the window
waiting for class to start
and this big guy, bully of the class
came by and pushed me out of the chair with his butt
i fell on the floor
he told me to find another place to sit
the next morning i told my mom i was sick
stayed home from school
sat all day and thought
and a miracle happened after noon, i got better
so i went out to play
i went to where that kid got dropped off from the buss
and climbed a big tree
and waited for him to come
when he was right under me
i jumped out of the tree on him
holding a small boulder the size of that hat
i slammed it down on his skull and crushed it
he crumpled to the ground
and i sat on top of him screaming and punching him
i’d pulverized his face before the other kids pulled me off him ”
i was actually a little shocked
took me a moment
‘ well, did that make you feel better? after you’d done that ‘
the righteousness of the severely damaged
” damn right it made me feel better. no one ever fucked with me again ”
long pause
i realized i better leave
but, i don’t like to be scared away by things
i just didn’t know what else to say
he broke the silence
” no… the better question to ask me
is when i stopped hating children ”
…
‘ well, when did you stop hating other children? ‘
” two years ago
i became a great grand father
and i love that little kid… ”
the world is an amazing place
but anyway
i felt the sun going down
i felt it was time for me to get going
so i said my fare-well
and got in the car to drive home
i did talk with my sister
thought i’d do some community service and call my family and tell them to see Fahrenheit 9/11
my sister had already seen it
and it filled my heart with joy
for not only had she seen it and loved it and found it very interesting
she’d gone with a large group of her friends
and this is in indiana!
she asked me
” when you walked out of the movie were there a bunch of people outside doing political action? ”
‘ no, but this is california, what do you mean? ‘
” when we walked out there was a lady with forms to register people to vote
and lots of other people with pamphlets and information on joining local groups to get involved in government and direct political action ”
YES!
so i took a moment and reminded my mother to see it
my sister said she’d already talked to my dad about it
and he stormed out of the room saying
” i won’t see anything by that man, he’s a communist and i hate him! ”
ah, daddy.
communist
is it still the 1950’s in some people’s world?
life is so much better in Pleasantville.
pa…
anway
the drive home was nice
i stopped by the house of some guys’ house who’d responded to an ad i’d posted for local bears in the area up here
and they were nice and everything
but watching “queer as folk”
and the TV wasn’t turned off while i was there
and i always take that as a bad sign
and
seeing that i was still a bit stoned
i was extra silly and edgy
as i drove away
i wondered what i’d ever do with people
feeling like i just couldn’t relate to people sometimes…
though they had a whole world that was considered normal to them
to me it just seemed insane
and it’s kinda dangerous for me to hang out with people like that
especially intimately
for those are the kind of people that we undermine each other’s realities
not strengthen them
and that’s what i need: support
not more battle
it’s ok for a visit
but i was lookin for some friends, maybe…
so i came home
exhausted
and just sat and watched the Sun-set
talked with Leo on the phone for a bit
and went to sleep

“as the ladies line their eyes
as the drunks make their excuses
as the talk is going cheap
i’ll be smiling in my sleep”
i really like the style of ego-maniac i am
every time i watch a movie
mostly when i read a book
i get a sense of how it’s all about me
and i’m not a teen ager no more
i’m neraly 30!
so i should be well out of that phase
i have to accept it’s just how i am.
i really liked watching “big Fish” tonight
i know i read stuff about it
and how it wasn’t so good
wasn’t as good as
or something
but people
specially critics
they just dumb
this is my political motto this year
“people: they just dumb”
and they is.
what else can i say?
anyway
i loved getting the sense it was all about me
and how important it is
to use my imagination
see
i always write about what’s in my head
or my heart
or my fingers
or my hair? i really don’t know
but i write about stuff that happens in my life
an it bores my friend Eli
(he’s obviously the love of my life: i write about him all the time… or he’s my doppleganger, which means he’s my evil twin, or my most loved brother.. the object of my affection… or a smokey reflection of me)
i remember him once being interested in a story i sent him
and he said it was interesting
just because i made it up
liked it that i used my imagination
now
i’m always trying to cut through the fog
to get things clear
make them honest and real
i’m a scientist!
but the world is made of imagination
and trying to get to the bone is just silly.
Silly!
i’m obsessed with Smoke and Mirrors
Stephin Merritt wrote a song about it
and Neil Gaiman named a book of short stories by it
and tim burton is really into using it in his films
them
they
POOF
my friend Jim bought a copy of Smoke and Mirrors in Powells
up in Portland
he asked me who’s the book was
it told him it was his
but he wasn’t sure
coz i’d been reading it since he brought it home
now i kinda miss it
and he’s home now in NYC
long trip!
welcome home, Jim.
but
don’t you find it funny that you can’t ever see yourself except through some sort of distortion?
2d is not you nor me
a photograph is not what you look like
nor, really, is the reflection in the mirror
or the look in your lover’s eyes
who are you? never know
the words i’m writing aren’t me
and i say i wanna get to the core
but i don’t
and that’s what it’s about
“smoke and mirrors
special effects
a little fear
a little sex
that’s all love is
behind the tears
smoke and mirrors”
“we were foolish, you and i
but that’s no
reason
to
cry
we both had a lovely Show
but that’s all, i have to go”
Yeah, isn’t that great?
i mean
just like everything else or anything
you can hang your head and cry your knife away
or you can laugh and make a celebration about it
and your celebration could be about crushing all the ants in the grass
or your milkshake bringing all the boys to the yard
what i mean to say is
the obfuscation is all there is
and we’re creating it day by day
and it’s sad to take things so serioiusly
and Thom says “lighten up squirt”
and i did
i wrote some fiction from a ficticious person
and sent it off to a friend
but i don’t usually do that
so it’s funny
i know
one day
i’ll know more about being further away to be close
coz i’m practing so much at it now
i’ll be able to tell you the truth through the lies
that aren’t lies
that are just Tales
when i get this needle out of my pocket
(see, i’m working on these pants
( a guy stopped me in a cafe in SF and asked me to make him pants just like mine
but the pants i bought were chef’s pants, and very different )
and when i sewed the first cargo pocket in
that’s as far as i got
and upon anchroing the last stitch
i didn’t cut the thread
just left it dangling there
so red against the black checkers
with that beautiful silver tip…
i pricked my finger on in the sunshine
red looks so nice… )
the pants will be made by virtue of them being a necessary prop in the story
and i remember that
how you don’t really need to take care of the details
sometimes
they’re just there becuase they are needed
and most things are like that
Do The Work!
but only what’s necessary
and everything really important will be done for you
or with you, if that’s how you feel
or do it any way you like
there’s a cricket under the bed
and i’m OK with that
but Toby is scared
coz he says they’re loud
and maybe it’ll wake him
but over his snoring?
he says a cricket in the house is good luck
but how did it get in here?
he often vaccums them up
or squishes them
he’s afraid of them
heard if you kill one it’s bad luck
5 years
(if you live that long)
today was a different day
talking on the phone
and having lemonade
and being all horny in a silly way
and reading some of books
and having stuff to do
and how things didn’t work like they were supposed to
so i had to drive
and now i’m in Ukiah
and Toby is Sleeping
and i will be soon
Too
and tomorrow we’ll watch Ferinheit 9/11 or something
and i’ll go home
but that’s just a dream
i’ll talk about it later
after it happens…
( i keep wondering if i can post-date things in here..
it let’s me back-date… but i’d really love to make a journal entry for the future )
“ask all my drunken friends…”

Today… is a different day
i said to myself
yesterday
when i had a visitor around noon
and spent a few hours with him
noticing it changed my pull to the computer
— as if the sex magic was willing that for me
i was grateful
and lay in the sun on the bed on the deck for hours
reading Arthur’s book
( a man i went to brazil with.. he’s in his 70’s now… was in his late 20’s when this story was lived… must have been in the late 50’s — amazing story of him comming to consciousness while being a missionary in guatemala… any of you who might be interested, it’s called “with eyes to see” by Arthur Melville )
getting angry at the injustices of the world
(though portrayed through a third-world context always makes these things clearer: they happen everywhere; Definately here in the USA)
but enjoying immensely being privy to his growth process
kindled my desire to learn Spanish again
and definately
to live in a third world country
somewhere in south america
where i can see people who live with the earth in a natural way and have been doing so for hundreds of years
suggest: where does this STILL happen?
i’m sure the world will tell me.
(wink)
anyway
i got a bit burnt by the sun
not too much that it was painful
but enough that my shoulders tell me so everytime i’m in the sun.
yesterday i started my lemonade fast…
[ http://www.newjerseybrasil.com/master-cleanse-diet.html — if you’ve never heard of it ]
the ammount of clarity and calm and Focus that comes from fasting is SO sweet
i recommend it to everyone…
but then, i recommend yoga and many other things and
well…
works for me.
i’m feeling great today
second day
facilitating my fast by drinking down some psyllium
and a guy i know from santa rosa came by today
his visit was sweet
and seemed very clear
— ways in which i would usually resond to thoughts and emotions were noted
but not done
i felt very free, friendly, playful and loving
whilst also being able to nurture myself how i needed.
i feel like a winner
(laughs)
laying out in the sun
i noticed a metal thing glinting up in one of the biggest, tallest trees right next to the house
i asked Leo about it a few days ago and he told me it was a TV areal from back when they used things like that
the tree grew up and took it with it
seperated the wire from the house a long time ago…
i looked up the tree
and saw the wire hanging down
it bothers me that people use nature as a trash pit
so i walked around today looking for a ladder
in standard fashion
leo had been using it and it was in the main room
though i looked a few places before finding it there: right in front of my eyes.
it wasn’t long enough, though
this tree is TALL
and i couldn’t reach the branches even with a six-foot boost
so i kept walking around
my intuition took me behind the shed…
i found a long aluminum extension ladder back there
(oh, don’t hate me, but i’m lighting a candle now to burn the moths and bugs that are flying around my computer screen)
there we go, that should take care of them
Um, i mean, i just made some Lemonade too
hmmm, with a bit of ginger.
where was i?
i got this BIG ladder
and it was kinda scary
but i told myself i don’t need to be scared of ladders
i had it firmly placed on the ground and against the big tree
but i climbed that ladder slowly
and told myself i would feel much better once i got into the tree
which
i
DID!
the tree was amazing
i have never climbed so high in such a big tree
lots of dead branches
but so many live ones, HUGE ones
strong and assuring
i had no fear she’d drop me
but WHAO
what a big tree…
up and up and up
oddly
the wire had wrapt itself around some of the branches
i sat my naked butt down
(oh, did i mention i was climbing the tree naked? i do everything naked when i can)
on a branch covered in Sap
(shrugs)
and took the time to do it right
this was all about being nice to the tree.
i threw some of the wire
trying to get it clear of the tree
and it went expertly onto the branch of a near-by Oak
DAMN!
i latter realized it would have been smarter to just throw it directly down
and then when i descended i could have knocked it down til it was fully on the ground
but i got MOST of the wire out
and when i got to the antenna
i wasn’t too surprised to noticed the tree had grown around a good deal of it
but the bulk of it was still moveable
but MUCH bigger than i imagined
and i had no way of manouvering it through those branches
even though it WAS loose
so i cleaned out the tree
because this big hunk of metal was stuck in it
all the falling needles and twigs over the years had got STUCK there in that crux
and a fine dark mulch had formed
but i knocked it all out
with what looked like Mice-nests too…
luckily: nothing living there
but SUCH a mess!
i vowed to return with proper tools for dismanteling the archaic contraption
and headed back down the tree
ONLY to be surprised by our “neighbour” Chris
( have i mentioned my predjudice against “chris”s? )
who bought the property next to ours
and has plans
but has still done Nothing
nothing but install a pre-built shed to keep his tools in
he comes by and stares and thinks, i guess
can’t fault a guy for that
but talking with him is like listening to a litany of the sorrows of those who just Never learn their lesson
told in the hemming-and-hawing style of someone who knows they are someone who’s boring the pants off you
so
he drives up and and i’m half-way down the tree
Naked.
unfortunately
i don’t really WANT to seduce him
especially not now
so i wait a moment for him to go off behind the shed onto his property
he was not in work clothes today
i knew he would not be long
maybe he’s growing something back there?
i dunno
i took my chance and sailed down the tree
down the ladder
into the house
covered with sap and dirt
(grin)
i read another tale by Samuel R Delaney
with a girl who could read minds better than anyone else
she was nine
and the pain she experienced from not being able to control her telepathy
and just hearing everyone’s craziness, pain, fears, etc…
made here totally suicidal
but there was a new pop star
who made music out of silence as much as he did noise
i loved his description of the music…
“… it’s so alive! But with life the way it should be. Not without pain, but with pain contained, ordered, given form and meaning so that it’s almost all right again. ”
in the future, pop music and noise music will merge on the radio, is it already happening?
no, i mean LESS ordered than that…
hmmm
i don’t mean to get long winded here
but you know i always am
another quote from the story i finished yesterday
“Loving someone… I mean really loving someone … means you are willing to admit the person you live is not what you first fell in love with, not the image you first had; and you must be able to like them still for being so close to that image as they are, and avoid disliking them for being so far away”
— isn’t that fucking Great?
i started reading this guy coz i thought he was Hot
and he was introduced me in a human way
a real way that i might meet him sometime easily
and in the context that he was Bi-sexual
so i was certainly interested
but i LOVE his mind too
Yum….
this gets me to my favourite topics
Mind and Love!
yeah!
i was talking with a friend yesterday
someone i LOVE a lot
someone i find REALLY hot
but i’ve never had sex with him, really
i met him just after he’d commited to his new lover
so he was monogamous
and could only tease me with his attraction, desire and beauty
so
we’re… Friends.
i asked him how his relationship is working out
he said
“oh, he’s meditating a lot…”
and i talked about how i kept getting intuitions telling me i should do that more
he said
“it makes him SOOOOOOO loving”
which brought up a whole context for me
i mean
this guy
this relationship
and what that resonates in me
how meditation is a way of becoming conscious of and honing your life
clearly choosing what you will experience and won’t
which CAN be a good thing
i’m always afraid of really yielding such power
knowing well that many of the gifts i’ve received in life have come capriciously on my part
being open to the flow of things
i’m afraid of making decisions… often
but i know that it is the phase of my life i am in
really learning how to decide
once again, i think i sound retarded… perhaps i am.
but the idea of being able to be with someone and just LOVE them and feel their love
oh.. i yearn for it so
so much that it’s scary, of course
(and the candle next to me flickers from feasting)
ah well
no conclusions tonight
just wanted to let you know where i am
love to you all
and
sleep well
(whenever you do)
OH!
i just went back to what i was doing (reading a friend’s email)
and remembered what initially prompted me to write this entry
i forgot to say!
yesterday
i walked out to the road
just to see what had really been done to our driveway…
i found Francis… he was alright
and … There was still a few Yerba Sante plants left
PHEW
i felt so happy i forgot about the stupidity of greed
and kicked through the incredibly hot dust
(the driveway had become like sand, but lighter… my feet almost dissapeared at every step below a soft powdery soil that would all dissapear at the first rains… which won’t come for months now… dirty feet on all my walks.. ah, so it goes)
gratitude and love to the plants… and the people, i guess
(wink)