i’ve been abstaining from sugar for over a week now
but for some grapefruits
and a few dates a day
the computer still lures
i have to fight against it
a type of sugar
my brother called
it got me off line to talk with him
then i went to read
but first: i needed some chocolate.
i have a few kinds of chocolate with no sugar in them
not sugar-free chocolate
in an atkins kinda way
but more like baker’s chocolate
i love the bitter too
but right now
i want sugar.
i took out my large serrated pocket knife
and cut a hunk off
and sucked on it
and another
and another
it’s good for the lungs too, you know
black chocolate
entire…
shafenburger..
i stabbed the knife into it
broke off a hunk
and then
broke of a tiny piece of Dagoba’s Lavender/Blueberry dark chocolate (but that had some sugar in it)
the piece was larger than i liked
i chewed it up ravenously
my tongue felt fuzzy
i sat down to read “sure of you” again
in the chair
by the window
something about a guy in his 30’s… AIDS patient gone with dementia at the police office
freaking out
Michael trying to handle it
i get this phantom feeling of cutting my finger with my knife
that large gun-metal blade cudding through my finger
i keep reading
and can feel the blade scraping the bone
and Mary Ann get’s found-out not telling Brian about moving to LA
the serated part of the blade rips so easily through the skin
What the FUCK is THIS?
sleep deprivation?
i’ve cut myself a few times
but never with this knife
never on Purpose, let me make that clear
there’s not a desire here, it’s not like i want to
it’s scary
it’s like i’m pressed against the surface of a paralell reality where it happened
when i was stabbing the chocolate
it slipped
and slid right though my finger…

make things perfectly clear
heading out of town
going to rest
spent the night jittering to pieces
no
no drugs
just the computer
the images i’m re-arranging
the words i’m sending around
bouncing my intentions off the rocky-face of the world
i’m here
blathering at strangers
mouthing off in friend’s houses
making all sorts of statements
that just sound silly for people who are schooled
i’m a great simpleton
myself a farmer
often reminded
a boy from indiana
really blue collar
my dad doesn’t know how to use words properly
i don’t know how to use thoughts, some times
but lack of skill has never stopped me
it’s where i am today.
Today i’ve decided to head down to the city sooner
to start learning about the flower business
to see where it takes me
to see if i can actually make it work
there are some doubts
the world shifts
axis
earthquakes
common occurances today
anyway
i’m not saying a lot right now because i’m resting
the idea is to be settled in the city by next month
i’m doing my best to lay foundations..
retrospective?
i left SF difficultly:
went to THE LAB to see an art opening: “Harry Bodies”
there were a few BUTT connexions… that’s how i found out about it anyway
and the first guy who talked to me in there said “i saw you in BUTT”
it became fun
felt like we were all friends
old friends/new friends
it felt like highschool
silly, fun
somehow bigger than it was
rather
smaller than it was
it was big
it was real
it was fun
some of the art made me feel like i was 13
fetishizing low-rez porn
hmmm
and there were some body-landscape-photos
which i’ve dreamed of for years
and often try and photograph
these hot men i adore
macro photos of their furry curves
well done!
met up with a guy i’d not seen since 99!
we went to the mission for a burrito
while we were eating
the car got towed
[i’d said, ” i’ll get the burritos, you wait in the car ” but he came in anyway, forgot to say “to go” they served us on a plate: still we were there less than a half hour]
drama
keeping it cool
$342.
yup.
got my stuff from UGH
and on trying to leave
the engine warning light came on and he got paranoid
then told me he hadn’t changed his oil for over 7000 miles and generally only changed it every 15000
which sounds insane to me
i made him go to a gas station
check the tires and the oil
(the dipstick had cooked gunk on it: first time i ever saw that)
anyway
we got out of town
we got to the hermitage at about 2am
we spent the next 24 hours in bed
watched “Orgasmo”
had conversations about
the azurite press
crazy
but true
in there
but really
i want everything to be simpler
i like to keep things to mainly one planet
i mean
that’s complicated enough, isn’t it?
perhaps i’m just a dullard…
i showed him this site
about sacred geometry and implosion, etc…
that i first learned about when living at Heartwood
(you can tell i’m having fun with html today, eh?)
i attended a lecture he gave when he came there
showed how people in love sych their hert frequencies and “imbed” in eachother
fractal: return to one
Yum.
and watched “the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind” again
the first time i watched it with someone who could talk with me about it
round in circles and circles again til we learn how to love
YEAH!
he left and i read and rested
the next day
got on the computer
which yielded a massage client/playmate
a farmer
beautiful
could be so nice…
and a client the next day! (that would be this morning… or yesterday morning- i’ve not slept yet)
this morning i woke groggily to my client calling to tell me he was 5 minutes away
but the massage went very well
and i was too lazy then to go to Harbin Hot Springs
which is only 20 miles away
but takes nearly an hour to get to…
and i want to lay naked in the sun
(tucson spoiled me as it always does)
so i’ll go tomorrow…
today.
when i wake up
but first i need to sleep.

spent a night with leo in LA
in the sleazy sex hotel “Coral Sands”
we played with one guy together
he was really hot and sweet
(in that “my life’s been shattered” kinda way)
but i was over him the moment i noticed he was tweekin’
“you like to party? i got favours.. do you party?”
ugh
still, always nice to be with Leo for a night
we walked in the sunshine
and when it was time for him to drive me to meet my ride (from craigslist) back up to SF
we found his front right tire flat
so i went into Man mode
and changed the wheel to the emergency donut as fast as i could
and we were on our way.
nice car full of kids
was that long haired pretty boy a queer?
he said ” i had a girl friend there…”
and that cute korean girl..
this is the first CL ride i’ve had that i wasn’t sitting next to the driver…
i read “The Jewels of Aptor” until the light was too far gone…
we stopped to eat at Jack in the Box
mmm, Dead food.
i found myself in preacher mode a few times
she said ” yeah, i’ve noticed so many times when i eat fast food that i’ll be starving again in an hour”
he said ” fast food is like a gas station for the body, just put it in to keep going ”
i said ‘ it’s kinda counter productive… i learned to make food and put life in it, mix it in while i’m making it… this shit is just dead.. it SUCKS the life out of so it can be digested ‘
they said ” yeah”
as the sun dissapeared behind the clouds
it found all the rest of us asleep
and the little Ukranian guy barreling down the highway at 80+
i would twist and wake to feel the jolt and shudder of the wind and the road
and submerged into traveling sleep again…
until i realized i didn’t know where to stay
my friend Robbie was down in SD.. and i wanted to stay with him
coz he’s so cuddly
i love cuddling with him…
that’s what i’d planned…
then i thought of Paul
who i love
but i know he’d just had Frank staying there
and other guests
so i didn’t want to ask him
but i also didn’t want to deal with Crabs at Marty’s
nor other emotionally heavy situation with other places i could have stayed
so i called Paul
and he said, “of course!’
he’s a friend.
so there was walking and food (alone)
talking on the phone
sketching out what my life will be like living here
talking with Guy…
back to the house
conversations with John
and Paul
and then some sleeping
dreams?
i woke feeling so odd…
and i haven’t drank any water
i feel like starving the thrush
it’s OODLES better since i noticed it a few days ago
just the consciousness of healing it and not feeding it has helped
life life life
i used to get this shit all the time as a teenager
i always thought i was dying…
i was
less life, more dying= dying.
gotta remember to pump up the life from time to time
when it’s just ebbing out
and i’m letting it slip away
why is life so tenuous for me?
when it seems so tenacious for everyone else…
the rain has cleared
bright clouds now
cars running up Fell street
i lay in bed (sleeping bag on massage table)
and finished reading “the Jewels of Aptor”
it made me feel like a little kid…
Delany was a kid when he wrote it
and yet…
it still taught me something
and was a lovely little story
and had the voice of god…
that’s what i want, really
to be a priest like that
to be a vicar like that
to make my deal with god
and be able to create like him
tell stories
that resonate the truth of the world
in each person who can hear it
remind them
teach them…
otherwise
i’m distracted by porn
had to get out that extra energy
put my clothes on
sun pouring in on me
noon now
i’ll go walking soon
and have some conversations
and maybe get some tests
and then i’ll be on my way back to the mountain tonight to rest for week or so
before coming back to spend time with Guy
and then take over living here on my own
…
Leo gave me a song
something about
“i will never love you
because to love’s too dear
but though i’ll never love you
i’ll stay with you one year
and we can sing in the sunshine
we’ll laugh every day
we’ll sing in the sunshine
then i’ll be on my way
i’ll sing to you each morning
i’ll kiss you every night
but darling don’t cling to me
i’ll soon be outta sight
but we can sing in the sunshine
we’ll laugh every day
we’ll sing in the sunshine
then i’ll be on my way”
was the whole culture like this once?
is it still? just forgotten?

so, just quickly
i’ve been in LA for a day and a half now
i’m slowly working on healing myself
it’s a full moon
and i’m still tired…
eating kefir and yogurt and cereal
… and a burrito
sans rice
staying with a man of LA
we talk about illusions
living in them
making them
foresaking them
gotta respect them
gotta love em
gotta be devoured by them?
we sleep a lot
the house is decorated
this town…
he tells me about this movie he wants to go see
“in the realm of the unreal”
so we go to see it
it mixes with all my stories
the simple telling of living in the midwest
his lonely life
his struggle against being so outcast
his endurance through the dail torture of living there…
then
in that
story
it’s all anagalous to what i grew up in
and the tears were rolling down my face
tom waits turning into a monkey grinder for the dreaming innocents
and we’re all doing the best we can
it’s not as much
me speaking in a bad british accent and faking stories of my childhood in cornwall
he wrote over 30,000 pages
oh, half of that was The story he created to live in
the other was the weather
but there were tons of paintings… collages…
insane, yes…
but a place to run to
and just like in dreams
it wasn’t all paradise
his fantasy land was filled with wars and toture and blood shed
and such innocent mistakes:
having never seen a woman naked before
he portrayed all the nude girls with penises
and even himself… he often portrayed as a little girl.
lonely
make an entire world
and who to share it with?
and the world we share?
such torture
such fear
why be in love?
to create a reality together
one that blossoms and expands and fills the world with love…
well, isn’t that nobel?
when my heart is broken open
i call someone i love
lost in the detrius of that life, his life, this life
he’s not there
but he was there a few nights ago
and he told me a story
i think it fits this context:
”
my great uncle lived in a house boat down in Miami…
except his house boat was in an empty lot miles from the beach
on blocks.
he bought old cars and drove them into the ground
and then he would park them in the lot
and make closets and filing cabinets out of them
he kept everything…
even intellectually
he would write a log of Everything he did that day…
including writing in the log
“… and then i came here to write this down”
he’s my mother’s mother’s brother.
and i’ve always aspired to a life like that…
”
a life of obsession
to the point of satisfactorily occupying reality
a castle
as bastion
hmmm
if only we could have someone with us inside there…
but maybe love makes all of that totally unneccessary
when you can look in your friend’s eye
that gleam…
doesn’t it just make you laught?

hitting dogs with shovels
eyes under long black fur
on either side of the tail
green
stands up, anthropomorphized human/dog
“but do you still have your…?”
feels for balls
he says yes
but i don’t feel them
still
looking for a place to play upstairs
waiting for him to follow me
to find out
a longer telling of the dreaming

Where’d we go?
i left Phoenix yesterday
and drove through the desert with Bear
dogs licking my elbow
more conversations about people’s lives
“well, she had got married once before…
but it only lasted a week… he started beating her and she got it annulled…
— never told anyone in the family about it til long after the fact;
guy had her convinced not to…”
she’s just getting ready to leave her current husband of 6 years
two kids
(and he’s got another somewhere else)
coz he’s a rock-n-roller who’s friendly with other women and coke
far too often
Love is Tough, eh?
stuck in traffic in Quartzite
we got gass and headed on to Indio and ate at In-N-Out
Alright…
where was i staying in Palm Springs?
trouble finding a crash pad
there’s this one guy i really wanted to meet…
i called him
and he had friends from Canada staying with him
and his nephew’s lover…
but he said i could stop by
and i had resigned myself to just getting a hotel room:
palm springs is filled with gay bath-house/hotel things..
i forgot, of course
that this is the Peak Season down here in Palm Springs
Bear reminded me: it would be expensive
well
OK
i get to Jim’s house
they’re all watching TV
we get to talking
i feel as i often do when i enter the stage
“tonight’s entertainment is: Dominic!”
the television is important
Ellen going on about how cold it is
she calls a shop in Ely Minnessota that i was just in a few months ago when i was there with my family:
Most Moose (and more)
but it keeps turning back to me
and eventually
they let me know
they’ve decided that i should stay the night there.
. . .
hours later
i’m laying in bed with James
and he’s telling me stories
all sorts of stories…
growing up on the farm
punching his brother
milking cows
learning to fly
his 3 oldest brothers dying in a plane crash one night
meeting Gene
his first lover before
all his generosity
this lover and that
all these years…
he’s 72!
he grew up in West Virginia on a farm
seven brothers, one sister…
he started a resturant
what took him to Grand Rapids? (where my mother grew up)
there was a guy there who would give rub-downs…
then he built a sauna in his house
and emptied out the upstairs rooms; put mattresses in them
men came from everywhere around for that back in the 70’s!
massage
sex…
and friend got busted down at the rest area south of town
and that was enough
so he opened a bath house there…
small world: i called him from Michigan back in 2003 when i first got in touch with him through is lover
but it’s been a while
and i’ve spent most of today in bed
lovely sex
conversation
massage
lots of cuddling
and naps
yummmmm
he talks like a character from a JD Salinger novel
he’s 72!
and he looks more healthy than most men in 50’s…
even some in their forties…
he’s generous (to a fault, it sounds)
but his relationship is based on total honesty
which appears to actually be true instead of just lip service
they’ve been together 37 years
and they’re Happy.
(even though they bicker and pick on eachother… it’s all affection)
it’s so Healing…
so healing to be around people i can respect
(well, they watch a bit too much TV for my tastes…)
so full of life and kindness and simplicity
inspiring
i was happy to lay with him
(yes!)
and now i will be picked up soon and taken off to some desert hot springs with by Frank Martin and his friend Tony
it’s late…
we’ll see how the night goes…

facts?
so
i’m sitting in the SAFEHOUSE coffeshop on speedway here in Tucson
it’s sunday night
the officlal last night of the Fiesta
today we went for a hike out at Tanque Verde Falls
absolutely beautiful
it had beed four months since i had been naked and hiking around barefoot
so it was very good for me
some sex with sexy men
bears who came along…
old farmer/world traveller guy who was there
and got to see an guy i know from the Faeries
“tie me a knot”
otherwise
i felt
yet again
overly tired
and ill-at-ease
walked out to talk to people
and was immediately accosted by a drunk guy
very sexy body
but he was too FULL on for me
so i eventually retreated to the room again
but the TV and the Dogs…
so i went out to the lobby to read
and then the Pie Ceremony was over
and noise
OK
Frank walked in and we started talking
and at the mention of Wi-Fi
we were out the door
to come here
and look for Richard…
(old friend, poet, monster…)
too long now
too much smoke
too much “joy division” playing on the stereo
…from safety to where?
hopefully dreams.

i wanted to make sure i wrote that last post before i went to the hotel
because i thought i’d probably be so swept up by all the beautiful friendliness that it’d change my mood entirely
and in the effort to truely journaling my experience…
well
no..
i had been told that there were many people who wanted to share rooms
so i went to the Hotel
and saw old friends
and a big smile spread across my face
but there was no list of people who wanted to share rooms, so the guy who’d actually know said…
so i wrote on the board my request…
went out into the pool area
and immediately felt kinda pariah
but it was just Me, of course
lots of people wanted to talk with me
that was nice
but my-oh-my
judgement has been running high
friends
and conversations
and new beautiful men
and cuddling
yes
resting in cuddling
well, more than that
door opening and closing
am i gonna get a room?
off to dinner
talking to friends
meeting new friends
back to the hotel
and my message has been erased
and i’m really tired
and a friend of mine who lives here offers to take me home
which is how i’m feeling anyway
so home
here
now
time for sleeping soon
but first:
Cuddling.

i had a two hour lay-over in Las Vegas
i had got kinda nauseous on the flight up from LA
lots of turbulence
air
packed flight
South West
Ugh.
i was reading “the Motion of Light in Water”
when an old woman came and sat beside me
i felt invaded
there were so many empty chairs…
ah… alright…
just don’t ask anything of me, alright Lady?
in the middle of the chapter i was reading
she said something
i responded
she said something
i responded
and
before i knew it
i was in a conversation
and had lost the page…
she was born in 1926 in Pennsylvania
and shortly after
taken to BudaPest
and raised there
what happened?
she was trapped there for a long time in her youth
forced to speak Russian
but she got back to america (1946)
and lived in New York
Long Island?
she taught herself to read and write english
because of the man she was in love with
using the dictionary to figure out the words
he was of german decent..
he was murdered… (eventually)
she had five children
four boys
and a girl.
one was a Fed Ex deliver… he was also murdered
one was a Cop– he will not take her into NYC
the daughter lived in Tucson
Margaret has terrible arthritis
so moved to AZ to live with her Daughter
who then moved to Silver City, NM
she lives with her there, now
in a trailer.
this will probably be the last flight back to Long Island
her back hurts her too much.
she would love to see BudaPest again
speak the language again…
but she doesn’t have enough money…
“after you get married and have kids
it’s hard to find the money”
she says
“travel while you can, see the world: before you get married”
she gives me a handful of candy
she gives me an orange.
i go back to reading
but notice she is bored sitting there by herself
jabbing her cane into the carpet
i tell her i wish i had a book to give her..
and then i suggest she get up and walk around
we watch eachother’s things while we go to the toilet…
when she’s back
i’m reading
occasionally staring out at the beautiful Nevada mountains
snow along the ridges…
i am occasionally caught up by talking with her again
being excited
and struck with the fact that i agree with most of what she says
happy to share with her what i feel and think
and find it funny that i relate so sanely to a 78 year old who was raised in Europe
– we understand eachother
… in this foreign land.
we introduce ourselves and shake hands as they call the time for boarding
she shakes her head and comments over and over
“why do they get up and stand in line? the plane isn’t going to leave with out them… they’re not getting their any quicker…”
like i would shout at the students corralling themselves before class started
ten minutes
counting down
waiting for the bell
i would stand on the bench
and scream nearly the same thing at them
they would stare at me
then look at the clock
shift their books and bags
and talk to their friends
when the line is moving
she leaves me
though i see her when i finally board myself
sitting near the front
in an aisle seat
(little charmer, i’m sure she always gets what she wants)
i sit in the back by the window
and after we’re at 10,000 feet
and i’ve written for a while
i get a bit lost looking out the window
the sun is beaming down through the clouds like angels as we descend into Tucson…