airplane cough
felt very tired
even kinda nauseous
which i don’t usually get on airplanes…
tired…
but i was very happy to be back in tucson
even in a tired kinda way
my friend Dan had to circle round the airport about five times til all my bags came in
.. i did a couple of laps with him
when we got back
i got to see the beautiful amazing sunset
“pink meat” he said
the wind blowing
the cactus…
in the south-west part of town…
i’ve never stayed out here
very strange…
the night settled in with conversation
smoke
fire in the chemania
watching
listening
feeling self conscious
feeling dark
it got cold, quick
i put on the franciscan habit Leo made a long time ago
washed, shrunk; gave to me
two other guys showed up
one very tall
had his stomach cut in half coz he was too fat and wanted to be thinner
(oh great)
he sits down and starts grilling me
pressing questions on me
but questions like
“oh, so you’re not afraid of anything, hugh? what are you afraid of?”
which i’ve been getting asked a lot lately
so i’ve been thinking of it
but there was no context to this conversation
so what was i supposed to say?
the entirety of existence?
on the fifth time
i tried to get him to give me context
and he started “asking” questions
that was basically him telling me that he had me all figured out:
i was running away from everything
i was dressed like this coz i was scared of people
and i wanted people to stay away from me
but when people actually did meet me they found i was really nice
which is great and everything
but wrong
— i’ve never worn the habit outside of the hermitage
i brought it with me on this trip as a turtle shell ( a traveling comfort-zone )
he tells me he’s trained in psychoanalysis
he says
maybe if i cut my hair and trimmed my beard
people would like me
i try and explain to him
that i don’t what people to like me for looking like everyone else
there are plenty of people who look like everyone else
i specifically like looking different
and want people to like me for who i am
not for being one and the same of the great masses of Yes-saying.
i realize he’s a fool
so
as the night goes on
i mostly ignore him
but find
when i am talking with him
i’m being mean:
“well, my hands and feet have been cold since the surgery”
(he got half of his stomach cut out so he could lose some weight)
‘yeah, if you start torturing your body you should expect it to revolt against you.’
he stares at me
‘ maybe you should consider walking, and eating differently… or you could be buhlemic..’
i try and keep my mouth closed
and that is the whole problem with today
i’m saying things that are pretty violent
even though i’m not saying them with that intent or intonation
the reality of the message is one of invasion and injury
i’ve done it a few times
why do i keep acting like i’m tired tired tired?
i must be tired tired tired
and no amount of supplemental rest is going to take care of it
certainly not when i’m awake at midnight like now
when i should be sleeping
coz i’ll get disturbed to consciousness before i sleep for 8 hours
on a couch?
ugh.
well, i’ll tell you about it later
but the rain became worse
and my prospects became better
i found a lovely place to stay with a beautiful man
so
worry not
i’ll tell ya about it later
yeah
worked fine
got out of the house on time
but for the diarreah
was it eating the cold lasagna?
the pecan pie?
the plastic melted in fudge i fixed up?
oh…
long ride down
rain
shets
the grapevine covered in snow
and the three people who said i could stay with them
all backed out
i called everyone i knew
no go
and of course eli will not let me stay there
old friends…
i’m sitting in an internet cafe
looking for a place to sleep tonight
hostel?
coral sands?
i need some sleep
i’m sure i’ll find something
so it goes.
into everyone’s life a little rain must fall
damnit.
yesterday was wonderful
today is its antipode
Oh
for those of you who may wonder
i’m heading down to LA in a few hours
and will be there as long as it takes me to get to Tucson
(i’d like to get there monday or before (new moon)
forever obsessed with this album:
”
Where the workers stand in querulous rows
– awaiting dislocation
I will be there too.
When you’re cashing in your food stamps
When you’re sleeping in a cattle train
I’ll be with you
Pushing up against the ticket counter window
– face against the glass
Bleeding from the waist
– and kissing to be chaste.
It is said that those who will not rest have been cursed
To tramp like soldiers through the marshes
Or that blessed are the ones who leave the stage
Like babies falling fast asleep
So I twice am cursed and twice am stuck
Affixed to this corner of the earth.
That old river keeps on rolling but the old man doesn’t see it,
He just stands there with his eyes closed
Asking
“where’d you go?”
– “where’d you go?”
So wherever you may sleep tonight,
Be it bed or bedrock, home, or open field:
When you’re breathing slows and your eyes are closed
and you begin to yield,
then, whatever you have taken as your pillow,
May it serve as mine as well.
Underneath the weeping willow
I will wait for you forever,
My eyes forever closed,
asking
“where’d you go?”
– “where’d you go?”
”
is it wrong that i want a lover to sing this to me?
that that would be the ultimate comfort?
is this what i get for staying up so late?
i was going to write about what i’ve been doing for the last few days
but
instead
i wrote to lots of other people at length
had conversations
and cleaned the house
so now it’s nearly 3am
and i’m going to go to bed now
really…
but for the last few hours
i’ve been trying to shut down my computer
and had about 8 LJ windows open
so i’ve been learning a little bit more about my “friends”
upon checking in on devanand_tree / Danny, the kidd who got me started on this crazy LJ thing
i saw his last posting was a Quiz thing
which i never do
but it was funny
and reminded me of my good times in NYC with my Television addicted friends
(just kidding)
i laughed, thinking of Danny as Meatwad
and went off to do it myself…
if you actually want to see my results…
yesterday
i tydied the house
made the bed
built a fire
and waited.
drove down the hill
and waited
came back
and was sad
felt terrible
putting my energy somewhere
and having it fall flat
i said to myself
” i never want to do that to anyone again, i hate the way this feels ”
today
a guy i had talked with on line for most of this year
called and woke me up
asked if he could come over
(2 hours drive)
so i said “yeah”
and got up
started doing yoga
then checked my email…
on line two hours
listening to the new mix i made for a friend
i didn’t hear when the guy arrived
knocked on the door
rang the bell
and called.
didn’t even hear.
he left
i didn’t get him on the phone til an hour later
he was so sad
but didn’t express it
and i had done it
but imagine that omen
what a terrible way to start your new year
driving four hours in the foggy rainy snow
cold
for nothing
to be missed.
horrible
i can’t trust myself!
to cause such damage
i prayed
never to cause such damage again
humanity
what can we do?
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