No Cars Go
”
We know a place where no planes go
We know a place where no ships go
(Hey!) No cars go
(Hey!) No cars go
Where we know
We know a place no space ships go
We know a place where no subs go
(Hey!) No cars go
(Hey!) No cars go
Where we know
(Hey!)
(Hey!)
(Cars go!)
(Hey!) Us kids know
(Hey!) No cars go
Where we know
Between the click of the light and the start of the dream
Between the click of the light and the start of the dream
Between the click of the light and the start of the dream
Between the click of the light and the start of the dream
(I don’t want any pushing, and I don’t want any shoving.
We’re gonna do this in an orderly manner.
Women and children!
Women and children!
Women and children, let’s go!
Old folks, let’s go!
Babies needing cribs, let’s go!)
”
to me
this song is Epic
but simple, like yr eye…
it took me a few listenings to understand it
but
is there someone out there that feels like they understand it?
i wanna make sure there are people who know how to get out of their cars…
i was looking at the sky yesterday
or… was that a hallucination?
was that a dream?
everything seemed strange
twisted
so few of us deal with three dimensions in this society
2D: paper, books, TV, computer
stare at all the time
i’ve been staring at the computer screen
but out there is a world to walk around in
smell
taste
get bruised on
leave yr mark on
scuff your feet
take a piss
plant a house
build a tree
“light a candle for the kids!
Jesus Christ! Don’t keep it hid!”
—-arcade fire
“coz nothing’s hid!
from us kids!”

what a wonderful day this is
“valentine’s day is just a day invented by greeting card companies to make people feel like crap”
-charlie kaufman, Joel Barrish: “The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” — a year ago
i was talking with someone in SF on the phone tonight
and said something about Leo
and he paused and asked in that slightly-put-off-but-pretending-it’s-ok voice
“are you guys, like, romantically involved?”
i love so many people
and when i get asked this question
i always need to qualify and be aware of how i express it…
i don’t own anyone
nor am i owned by anyone
and though i love many
i don’t feel i’m able to be a husband to any of them
because of my life style
it’s not respectful nor responsible
but i love people on these terms
and am loved by people on these terms
(and, admittedly, on many others… and none!)
in that big lonely city
there are so many people starving for love…
(well, everywhere, really)
and the general understanding that
“if you love him, you won’t love me”
strange uni-directional love
my heart is a sphere.
and we cuddled
me and Leo
we napped
we talked
he cooked True Cod and asparagus with rice and a mayonaise/mustard sauce…
tarragon on everything.
champaign…
and a screening of Eli’s latest film, “The Art Colony”
which features a girl being forced to shit on stage while she is saying
“i want to show you what’s inside of me, i want you to understand me: i love you, i love you, i fucking love you”
then bits from “Orgasmo” — the Trey Parker film that hasn’t really gotten a release in this country
(about a nice mormon boy saving the souls of LA through the inside of the Porn industry)
and then we ate Cheese cake
cuddled more
i put Leo to bed
and i’ve been up here
reading
doing things
making it work
since…
and what have i found on LJ tonight?
well
more love from the past…
reading about meetings and rembrances from last year
sending out little dashes of love to friends…
finding a friend who i haven’t talked to in months (since 2003, really)
who has just joined LJ and has added me as a friend, even though…
so
alright
i’m magnanamous tonight
and i love you
maybe
in all my talk of “my heart is a sphere” he serves to remind me how difficult it can be to really love another person
yes
easy to love in that God kinda way
but in that human to human way
difficult
s’alright
it’s the work worth doing..
i strayed off that path for a while
but
somehow
i’m back on it
this time of my own volition, though…
YEAH!
(laughs)
Happy day of celebration of love
(this is today, this is tomorrow, this is every moment you remember…)

So, tonight i archived my journal
it was just over a year ago i started using this thing
and i’m pretty happy with it
and pretty happy with the archiving software!

Turns your journal into a PDF Book.

LJBook (gads_ljbook)
if you’re in the mood to have your entire journal on your HD
run it through here
and then kick them a few bucks through the pay-pal
yummm
love
i seem to have fallen in love with a new band
“Arcade Fire”
canadian, apparently
while i was in Pheonix (Tempe) staying with my old friend cachondo
he was playing this over and over again
kicked me over a copy
so i’ll have to kick the band some money sometime soon
coz i’ve had it on repeat all day
and most of yesterday
“US KIDS KNOW”
well, some of it.
anyway
it’s really late again
i’ll be going to sleep about the same time i did last night
cleaned the house a BIT today
had a good day
the mist is surrounding the house again
made aduki bean stew
yawning heavily
appreciating the attention
appreciating the people i love
loving people
feeling pretty good
but tired
and crazy
like myself
HUGS.
(oh, the new user pic is from “Grill”– a 24 resturant/diner in down town Tucson… i used to inhabit it all the time… while i was at Fiesta i went there to get my customary photobooth pics– i may convert some other strips to .gifs too — ah, the possibilities are always blossoming)

i’m reading
http://www.livejournal.com/users/waltzingtree/2004/01/20/
and at the paragraph about remembering leo on the hill top
and all that that entailed
my emotions swirling around me like a mid-night fog
and billie holiday comes on [like a miracle]
and says
“let’s do it: let’s fall in love”

how do these things happen?
i left a few windows open on Safari
i wanted to go through and read some journal stuff
make some comments
i sometimes feel bad for not reading other people’s journals..
so i go to this post first
http://www.livejournal.com/users/catelin/179683.html
coz i read it it bigreddee‘s journal
which i got to from
cthelarger
coz he’d left a comment on my journal
after i’d left a comment in
chriskomater‘s journal
reading about the HAIRY BODIES exhibit at THE LAB
which i got to from where?
i don’t remember
but this has been going on for Hours now.
catelin‘s post has something like 1600 comments on it
and it was well written
so i went from looking at her journal
to other people
i didn’t know
and following links from bigreddee
or someone…
i don’t know
i found tons of people i didn’t know
and opened up tons of windows
of, i’ll admit it, guys i thought were cute
and discovered many things about LJs tonight
though i’m often obsessed with writing some kinds of “piece” with some sort of expression or exorcisim or something
man people just blog
they just talk about what they did today
many journals are just that
simple
what they did today
which, really, is the reason i started my journal
all these people wanted my day-to-day details
but i don’t think i live in my day-to-day life
i think i live through some prism of intention and fantasy
and my real life is as much of a fantasy as everyone imagines it is.
what is my day to day?
it’s nothing.
today
i
woke at noon
i
opened a lemon
a grapefruit
put them in a blender
with psyllium
spirullina -health-something powder
fruit juice
hot water
and coconut oil
i enjoyed blending it, coz i hardly ever use blenders.
i washed some dishes
i came and got on line for a while
masturbated a bit, but not to completion
wrote people on silverdaddies
responded to some emails
read some journals
opened windows
downloaded .pdfs of ephermeri from 1978 to now
(yesterday i only had a few, which i used to map out my satyrn return, but i’ll get back to today)
i then read more of “all ears”, a book by dennis cooper, compilint essays, intervies and obituaries from the early ’90’s
— he’s so judgemental
no wonder he’s pissed off so many of his friends.
(i’m afraid i can relate all too well)
i then got on the phone for a long while
with various people
during which
i mixed carob powder with yogurt
ate it
drank some kefir
then made toast
with
goat-feta made from the goats at Short Mountain
–musky…
creamcheese with raw garlic
limburger
leyden with cumin
by that point
i was talking with Leo
who is probably still writing his Sunday Sermon as i type this
and started distilling wine from 1970
i don’t think it really worked
but it partially worked
i then talked with my dad for a while
about the John Of God special they did on ABC Primetime thursday night
— interesting how he responded… we agreed– coming from different directions
he told me he’d have my sister call me back
(and i’ve probably missed the return call from my sister coz i’ve been reading journals for the last two hours)
then i came in here to read the windows i had open
and close them so i could watch “women in love”
but that was over two hours ago
in that time
i’ve verified my paypal account
and made my own set of judgements about people i don’t know…
haven’t friended anybody from the experience
but have bookmarked a few…
it appears that
even in such a word-centered place as LJ
people are still drawn heavily by sex
i mean…
there was this guy i read who had posted 4 times
and each post had something like 57 comments or something
because he was a big cute bear
and billed himself as only that in each of his posts and his bio.
there were others who just filled their blogs up with memes
little trifles they made a big deal out of
which i guess we’re all doing…
and maybe it’s just the mood i’m in
i didn’t connect with any of it very much
well… but the beauty
it’s rare we write of beauty, eh?
rare we notice beauty
the “fag” article had lots of beauty
but that’s because she was holding it up as a shield
as a Tao
to balance that ugliness
that little ugliness like a sliver
she held up such big beauty to show how insignificant the ugliness was
is
of course
who cares about ugliness in the face of such beauty?
that’s what’s great about the world
you can see it anyway you want
you can focus on whatever you want to see…
it’s been hours since i started writing this (10:46pm, it’s 1:04 right now)
and i’ve been downloading music from
radfaepappy‘s new page
and reading through my postings from last year
coz it was year ago i started doing this live journaling stuff
and it’s fun to read what was going on for me then:
i was in a foreign land
everything burning my eyes wide
ahhh, if life could be lived always like that.
i’m preparing for my satyrn return
i have been for years
but it’s edgy right now…
i mean
i feel like i need to rest
feel like i need to root down
but i’m afraid that if i do that during my satyrn return it will cement me in place
and i am just so much happier when i’m having adventure after adventure
if i got out of america where everything is familar..
but in america there is the addiction of the pain
— when i’m here there is a palpaple difficulty
the fear, the pain
i don’t feel it anywhere else:
here i feel i have a responsibility for it
there, it can be tragic… or too abstract
still
i feel impotent against it
i mean
except for this
for talking about it
for writing
for making my own self a vision of beauty to make it insignificant
unfortunately
i feel the ugly machine is working over-time in this country
in human society
and what is it?
should i post this now or keep reading?
i can always post other posts after this
and this one is getting really long
maybe i’ll go quietly to bed…
but i have a few more days to read
hope you’re sleeping well, dear

i wrote this back on January 18th
after the Fiesta de los Osos
i wanted to write out the joys first
coz i didn’t want to sound like i was just complaining
and i did feel like i was in a funk
— i was going to write a long piece all about my experience there
but i’ll just make it short:
Bear culture just doesn’t nourish me
i felt alien
and had to do too much work to talk with people most of the time
everything felt disjointed and 2D
— it just isn’t my thing anymore
though i thank it for helping me come out
…
and now i’m going to be in the city during IBR
— will i go to bars?
will i participate in any of those shenanigans?
i dunno
i still find bears very sexually attractive
but.. perhaps like and ice-cream cone
very yummy
but i can’t live on it.
anyway
here are the joys from that period:
So
what have the Joys been?
i soaked in the hot tub at the hotel Once
with Frank Martin…
i didn’t put my hair up before i got in there…
i had just been swimming in the pool…
i told him i didn’t want my hair soaking in that water…
30% chlorine and days of bears…
i pulled it out and let it lay on the cement as i rested in the water…
but i’m a moving one, i move around…
and when my hair would fall off the ledge into the water
frank repeatedly pulled it out for me
such a gentleman…
a day later
he decided to go on the Nude hike with me (and the bears) to Tanque Verde falls
a desert with water running through it!
AH!
Running up rocks
playing mountain goat
day warming
more clothes coming off
bears…
half way through
got entirely naked (shoes too)
hiked the rest of the way like that
tempted to jump into a water fall
one of our guides (a hot scottish guy)
turned and didn’t say a word
just sign language: DON’T
awwww…
in Brazil it would have been OK…
naked men all around
all ages
laying on the smooth rocks
water bubbling below
three-way, four-way
climbing up more rocks
eating peanuts
out into the further field
black dirt everywhere!
fertile
grasses growing
“that’s from the fire…”
just a few months after i visited last in 2002
the desert went up in flame
Catalina mountains glowing for how long?
washed down into New Growth…
where Charlie led me through
telling me stories of his life and the men who had explored that nude beach
“and his dog came back around the corner with a Human Leg!
so i’m careful when going this way…”
uncut old farmer from New Hampshire (am i making that up? he’d travelled round the world… but been in tucson longer than i’ve been on this earth in this form)
just playing
rising
connecting
coming at the same time
i love that.
and walking through the grasslands more
we found BeanPole
a guy i know from the Faeries
yes
small world
police helicopter flies over
wave at him naked
he flashes his siren
HA!
and even though these big butch guys can make fun of me
they still love the smell of my musk
and nuzzle their beards under my arms…

Happy Chinese New Year, Everyone.
We are now in the year of the Wood Cock
Yup.
a Yin year of Beauty and a bit of Arrogance
it was Tuesday
the last day of the moon of the Monkey Year
the first day of the New Moon of the Cock year
What did you do on Tuesday? the day of the new moon?
i was Hauling wood.
went down the hill
fought through the sleeping poison oak branches and Live Oak and scrubs…
picked up wood cut back in 2001 by a friend of mine who came here to take Leo’s unused solar panels…
i was kinda tired after hauling the wood up
and getting the rest of the wood from the old deck out back inside by the fire place
i came to rest in front of the fire after a shower
the night settling in
and then my Farmer arrived
we talked an cuddled
he is a good man of the earth
Capricorn
hears my body speaking
does what i want without even needing to say it
the fire blazing
i lost myself to orgasm once
licking his knee
cuddling and talking more
maybe dinner?
but no: more fire, more talking, more cuddling, more love making
Indeed!
i came again, this time on top of him
he kept me howling for a few minutes
ok ok
but then he thought he might like to..
though kept saying
“i’m going to let you rest now”
but i was flying
i didn’t need rest
crossed over the thresh-hold…
came again
but this time my body became the orgasm entire
and it wasn’t just a howl
it was a scream
that shook my whole body
vibrated everything
like a mass of liquid light from my throat spreading down and filling my body
and when it contacted the mass of liquid light from my root
i just exploded
and screamed louder/longer/fuller than i had in over 4 years
this went on for ∞
then he asked me if i was OK…
i admitted to being much better than OK
and after i had recovered, i made dinner .
the special thing about my farmer
is that we are not having “hot Sex”
i mean
we ARE
but we’re very much making love
in that
the whole time
he is adoring me
and i he
we have that same fetish
so
the orgasm is not one of “wow, i just shot a big load, man”
it’s filling the self, the two selves, the one self. the entire self of the world
with love
this is the kind of sex i WISH for
the kind of sex i hope for everytime sex starts
but sometimes it’s work
or it’s just me doing it
or neither of us are doing it
we’re doing something else
and other things are alright too
but this is healing
and makes me feel like i’ve done something wonderful for myself
and the whole world
i mean
even when he was here last week
he did for me something i’d never had done
and i shot a load of cum clear up into my face, hair, Eye!
i’d never had cum in my eye
— it didn’t hurt as bad as people had made me believe…
so i make dinner
pasta
we sit and talk in front of the fire
i decide i want to give him some of my cum in his mouth
he still hasn’t cum yet
so we 69
and give eachother desert
then it’s very much night
and time for sleeping
mid night
so internal, connected in the dark of the moon
Flow
i really want to read to him
so i think of what to read to him?
and what better than Rumi?
I used to read Rumi all the time
got introduced to him in 1999 by going to see a Philip Glass Opera called “Monsters of Grace”
and the entire libretto was Rumi
(friends there had been telling me to read him– i’d just not got around to it yet… — So Philip introduced me)
Rumi carried me for years after that
and culminated in me dancing with Iranian refugees in Rotterdam
i became friends with the Sheik… though he could only speak Farsi
he taught me a lot
i know little of Islam…
but Sufi’s care mostly about loving
knowing the Friend
developing a conversation with him
and Loving.
Loving gets you to God.
“How you make love is how you are with God”
one of his quotes i always remember…
it has been over a year (almost Two!) since i read Rumi!
when i broke up with all my friends in 2003
Ugh, sadness
“Sometimes i forget completely
what companionship is.
Unconscious and insane, I spill sad
energy everywhere. My story
gets told in various ways: a romance,
a dirty joke, a war, a vacancy.
Divide up my forgetfulness to any number,
it will go around.
These dark suggestions that i follow,
are they part of some plan?
Friends, be careful. Don’t come near me
out of curiosity, or sympathy.”
but here i was
on the anniversary (kinda) of being in Brazil
and picked up by João out of the dark hole i’d fallen into
i should celebrate love
by remembering the lover
i read to him Poetry of Rumi
spiritual love poems…
then we slept
and he was out the door at the crack of dawn
on to his farmer’s meeting
after having repeated my favourite poem to him:
”
the breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you
don’t go back to sleep
you must ask for what you reall want
don’t go back to sleep
there are people walking back and forth across the door sill
where the two worlds touch
the door is wide and open:
don’t go back to sleep
”
how could i?
i stayed awake
though groggy
and let the day settle into me
reading the Koran
and thinking of sharing some more Rumi Fragments with my friends here
(this one is for Y)
”
Let the lover be disgraceful, crazy,
absentminded. Someone sober
will worry about things going badly.
Let the lover be.
”
(the rest are for all of us)
”
one man says to a shiek
‘what is this playing that you do?
Why do you hide your intelligence so?’
the sheik says
‘the people here want to put me in charge. They want me to be
judge, magistrate, and interpreter of all the texts.
The Knowing i have doesn’t want that. It wants to enjoy itself.
I am a plantation of sugarcane, and at the same time
I’m eating the sweetness.’
— Knowledge that is acquired
is not like this. Those who have it worry if audiences like it or not.
It’s a bait for popularity.
Disputational knowing wants customers.
It has no soul.
Robust and energetic
before a responsive crowd, it slumps when no one is there.
The only real customer is God.
Chew quietly
your sweet sugarcane God-Love, and stay
playfully childish.
Your face
will turn rosy with illumination
like the redbud flowers.
”
”
When the ocean comes to you as a lover,
marry, at once, quickly,
for God’s sake!
Don’t postpone it!
Existance has no better gift.
”
”
Where lowland is,
that’s where water goes. All medicine wants
is pain to cure.
And don’t just ask for one mercy.
Let them flood in. Let the sky open under your feet.
Take the cotton out of your eyes.
Blow the phlegm from your nose,
and from your brain.
Let the wind breeze through.
Leave no residue in yourself from that bilious fever.
Take the cure for impotence,
that your manhood may shoot forth,
and a hundred new beings come from your coming.
Tear the binding from around the foot
of your sul, and let it race around the track
in front of the crowd. Loosen the knot of greed
so tight on your neck. Accept your new good luck.
Give your weakness
to one who helps.
Crying out and weeping are great resources.
”
”
The conventional opinion of this poetry is,
it shows great optimism for the future.
But Father Reason says,
NO NEED TO ANNOUNCE THE FUTURE!
This now is it. THIS. Your deepest need and desire
is satisfied by the MOMENT’S energy
here in your hand.
“

Y is an Aries
his attempts to make himself happy (ego-wise, no differentation needed)
involve making rash things happen:
“i’m going to drive across america and pick you up and bring you back to NYC”
my moon is in aries
the shift to tending to my own emotions
would be from
letting other’s make oppurtunities for me
and me willingly bringing my oppurunities into being.
in Reality
i am just a kid of 26
i am accustomed to living the life of “already success”
because i’ve had the support and assets of men in their 50’s…
successful men
not rich (none of the men i’ve loved are monetarily rich… just in Life)
but with a beautiful house
or wonderful job
great apartment in a beautiful area of town
generally (or, how i understand it)
a kid starting out on his own
gets the sub-standard
struggles from the ground up into a place of success
i have done nothing on my own merritts
(but, has anyone?)
my credit rating is Zero
i’m working on bringing myself up to my own level of success
but i’m spoiled by living in such luxury
to
humble myself to my own status…
strange
compared with those living on the laurels of their youth
coasting into the crash-landing of middle-age or old-age
stepping off the wings of the father…
of course
mentorship is a beautiful way for a boy (straight or gay) to learn lessons of life…
but to not move on from that is folley..
i wrote this in a comment to a friend:
i’m dissatisfied with how i’m dealing with what i’m being given
not that it’s not wonderful and amazing
but because it’s not what i WANT
i should be resting secure in just accepting that it must be what i need
coz it’s coming from every direction..
but one of the main reasons i’m dissatisfied with what i’m being offered
is
it is what i ALREADY HAVE
just with a different person
in a different place
but it’ll be the same story:
i want a different story
… or at least learn how to grow in this story
(that’s the problem, i want to grow and i feel like i’ve outgrown this pot)

they love me
they call me
and they’re pushing love at me
i say
“i just want a place i can call my own that isn’t dependant in any way on someone else loving me and me loving them”
which is impossible:
love being the force that makes things happen, that keeps things together
even a randomn apartment i would rent
the landlord would love me
and i would love him
but it would be professional!
every oppurtunity is some beautiful man saying
“i love you”
and what that means is
“i’ve waited my whole life for someone like you”
and maybe i’ve waited my whole life too
and it’s time we’re together
me and me
just for a little while
or is it cowardice?
dreams together are so much more sweet…
sour, bitter, meaty.
but there is no place to go alone
it is all an effort of cooperation
so i will not get my own place of just me, eh?
it’s all about the loving and the sex and the wanting and the dreaming the desires…
but when am i going to get my own place to sit and read books?
and when would i do that anyway
me: always looking for love?
i keep saying “NO”
i keep holding up my hand
biting at the bit
chomping at the door
heels kicking up dust
sitting in the chair on the phone
i’m telling them to wait
i’m trying to take this slow
trying to ebb it out
so i don’t lose myself in the tide
(when that’s all it’s ever wanted from me)

ok
so i talk with people, right?
i imagine plans
i cancel them
i sit in the house and dream
desperately graple to ground and make something happen
fighting the great nothing flow of california
what?
from the city, he calls
he says
he’ll rent a car and drive up and pick me up and take me down
tomorrow
simple as that
be here soon
if he can
what?
i sit in the chair and look out the window and wonder…
it’s been colder today
the wind blowing…
dark…
well, if he’s going to put the energy into it…
but i STILL don’t know if i can make the flower business work
if i WANT to put that much energy into it…
why?
that much energy to live in SF
which just WON’T be healthy for me…
and then there’s the OTHER city
i return a phone call
the monster Aries
how long were we on the phone?
within an hour he’s detailed a plan of driving out here from NEW YORK
non stop
just driving out here
how i have to get him a driver to drive with him from craiglist or… elsewhere…
pick me up
all my stuff
and drive me back to NYC
WHAT?
it’s all just rolling
“i’ll drive out there and pick you up: tomorrow”
what a rush!
i guess if i deal with anything
they want me to leave the hermitage
yes
i understand
it’s time for living
but
WOW
this is insane!
i’m staying right here!
but what for?
there’s nothing to stay here for
and
if i listen to my desires
i’d much rather be in NYC than SF
i don’t LIKE SF
i don’t really like California
i mean
it’s wonderful
there’s nothing better
but it’s so Breezy…
i need something more meaty
oh
my fucking wandering and blathering…
no wonder god is laughing at me
he’s confused with all my mixed messages
just what will make this little prince happy?
i’m not sure
but i’m pretty certain i need to walk there on my own two feet.

sitting in the chair at the one door-window i’ve polished clean
reading the book
in the back of my mind
shaving bone off my finger with the knife
glancing up to see the sky:
Blue
fading blue.
reading
reading
noticing the light darker
glancing up
the sky:
Pink.
no
Lavender…
Magenta…
what is that?
beautiful.
back to the book..
no
i stand up
slide open the door
and go on the deck to look at the sky
my eyes take it in like a drug
and i smile
and think
—so beautiful—
it’s cold
back inside
warmth, kinda
reading
glance up
The Sky
you can see the rays of sun falling behind the earth in the clouds
watch it
can you see it moving up? disapearing?
how much longer?
you know
it always fades to black
the book..
no
i slide open the door
and look
not just the sky over the valley
the tops of the clouds still bright
but to my left (the west)
so bright!
the whole sky!
that COLOUR!
i turn and look
to see if you’re going to follow me
do i have a book mark?
no
.finger.
i run
to the front
through the garden
down the steps
around the chappel
the sky in the north is already gone to blue
this didn’t work
in the west! it’s so bright
i run
up the hill
no enough
i run
up the drive way
is life worth living if you don’t try and chase down the sunset?
i wouldn’t want to be friends with someone who died with out trying…
but how long has it been
since i chased the sunset?
it seems like something familiar
something i’ve done my whole life
a million childhood days…
chasing rainbows…
driving fast through fields…
but i’m on foot now
and it’s cold
and my lungs are hurting
my mouth filled with cold air
stiff tongue
i clamp it closed
and breathe deep through nose:
is this the last time i’ll ever see it? this streak of bright life through the sky?
it’s gone
the sky is gone blue again
the colour is fading behind the other mountain
i open the book where my finger is
and read the last few paragaphs of the chapter that i could have read
but missed the sunset
and walked bouncily back down the hill to the house
where it’s warm
and dark, already
night is here
maybe i’ll die tonight
hopefully be reborn tomorrow…

Too Much.
i went to harbin hot springs two days ago
it was SO good
but if only i’d gone earlier..
if only i’d gone the day i intended to go!
some friends of mine were there!
well, one guy i knew
and his friends.
Michael.
i parked the jeep and walked up the steps
and when i got to the first landing
the smoking deck
there he was
his friar-tuck face, beaming eyes and beautiful beard
briar clamped between his teeth
curls of smoke around his shiney head
HUGS and sharing the pipe and conversation
he’d spent the night!
OH!
onlyif
ifonly
if
he was only there an hour longer
i stayed and enjoyed him
and his lover
we all played together in the water
massaging and cuddling
then his lover left
and he and i swam in eachother a bit
Celtic magician
we connect…
then i took care of myself
great stretching
then hot
then cold
hot
cold
hot
cold
Yes.
beauty all around
the night fall
the stars
checked my messages
and my farmer wasn’t coming down
all indecisive
but another guy from CL had called
and he lived just south of there
“you might not like me: i’m a teddy-bear of a guy”
hmmm, just my luck
i give him a call
and head on down to see him
really sweet
furry everywhere
long thick currly red furr
great!
we cuddle
while we’re having sex
he says “rape Me”
i say
‘ that’s not what i do, i’m loving you ‘
gotta hold our hands sometimes..
it was an alright night
not great
there was some trouble
his undenying reality of medicine and “getting old” which i find tiring
but he was a sweet man
and nice to cuddle
but i was tired
came home
and a 70 year old had driven up from the city
as if he hadn’t even read my ad
not my type at all
but he drove so far
(though he had a meeting just an hour away in calistoga, so it was JUST for me, but an hour out of the way for me)
we tussled around
he was hungry
but…
it was ok
i sat up
startled
after resting
and pulled my back out
the clouds were rolling in
weather changing
i felt terrible
what’s goin on?
he left
and two hours later
another guy came
who i’d talked with online for a year
interesting fellow who’s travelled the world all his life
hasn’t “had a straight job for over 25 years”
in his early 40’s
but he’s like a dead-head drainbow
and the entire time he’s there he’s talking non-stop
about him
and all of his friends
and the guy he takes care of
and everyone he knows
and everywhere he’s been
and it has nothing to do with me
and i feel like i’m fighting him to speak
and he’s really not interested in what i have to say anyway
and if i travel my whole life will i have so much to say
blindly unaware of the real people around me?
maybe
but i don’t think i’ll ever take that many drugs…
Worn Out!
i sent him home forcefully
and decided not to head down to the city like Guy asked me to
yeah
i could help him with the Flowers for Valentine’s day
but suddenly
it doesn’t feel important
and it feels off track
and i don’t know where i’m going
or what to do
so i decide to just sit and wait
and fight my urges for sugar cravings
and try not to be too swept up by the phantoms