hmmm
slept with paul
woke up
slowly
so slowly
then watched “Cannibal: The Musical”
started sifting through emails and trying to figure out what the fuck to do
the guy who offering me his room in cole valley didn’t call back
what the fuck was i going to do?
well
let me tell you
it came through:
i found a place to live
but it’s my little secret
i’m not going to talk about it
til i’ve moved in and feel secure about it
i want to protect it, nourish it, keep it concentrated
so i’ll tell you about it as it blossoms
but it’ll be about two weeks from now
anyway
that makes me feel great.
then i went to visit this guy
http://www.huskyhunk.com
http://danielwasko.com/sexwork
http://fatart.org
he was great
we cuddled and talked
and that was night
then a massage client i had met in the past
saw my ad reposted
and called me round 10:15
so i went off to give a massage
which was GREAT
took a cab home
and paul let me in
now it’s two
and time for sleep
love ya
Better Days
i just spent the entire first half of the day walking in the sunshine.
i’m feeling better.
yesterday i wanted to do this
but slept in til past noon
and it clouded over pretty quickly and started pouring…
i had dinner with a friend at one of those cult-sponsored-yogi-vegetarian places
and then a voice came from far off to remind me to not half-ass my life and do what i really want and need and to PAY ATTENTION TO MY FEELINGS
ok.
Then Leo picked me up
and i spent many hours cuddling and talking with him
Great
i love it when relationships are so much more vivid and passionate
coz you only see each other every TWO weeks for A night…
[sigh]
(‘whatever works, honey’)
Leo dropped me off in the lower haight so i could get a juice
(vegetable: beet, parsley, ginger, apple, carrot, fennel…? and a wheat-grass shot… and a bottle of water)
and i checked my email:
only ONE person, so far, has responded to all the emails i’ve sent out to craigslist looking for housing
ONE
and she said i could come look at the place at 11 this morning
about 15 minutes?
i jumped on the buss up to Ashbury Heights
and made it right on time.
she wasn’t home.
S’OK.
i walked down to Haight Street
wandered around
felt the gathering frustration of being in such a commercial space
and the fact that i really needed to poo
and there are NO public restrooms…
i got to golden gate park
and the restrooms were locked
— a little kiosk on the corner… those toilet-booth things:
out of order (dead)
so?
McDonald’s!
the only thing i’ve given to them in the last 9 years is my shit and piss
Grrrr
i walked from there back through the park
up around the stadium
and up fredrick’s street back to where this house was i was looking at
— still not home.
walking away
i notice a dead bird on the street
and went to move it to the trunk of the tree; cover it with dirt.
it was a humming-bird.
bad omen anyway, eh? don’t want to live here.
beautiful little thing– i’ve never been able to hold one before.
i picked it up and studied it
a feather came off in my fingers, i smoothed it and saved it
and buried it by the base of the tree.
then walked up the street to Buena Vista Park..
walked around…
up to the top
dogs, “hello”, glancing
down one side
two guys on a bench, smiles and laughs, glances
“hello”
i had to take a pee
and by that time i noticed i was being watched
OK
— we became friends
and he introduced me to the park
— even though i’ve been in this park before and know it’s cruisy-fame
i’ve never done anything here
he showed me where it all goes down
and a nice Haitian man offered me Lunch.
some cute young boy (31) really wanted to play
but i explained to him my tastes and he offered me his number
— explaining he’d be happy to introduce me to interesting people when i get settled in.
i walked down the hill, into the castro
on Noe, i noticed the flower guy is gone…
— i hope he’s in baltimore taking care of his shit —
i thought, as i slipped in a pile of dog crap.
Ok.
bought another juice (this one not fresh, just a Naked juice in a bottle)
walked to Market
bought another bottle of water
made some (dead-end) calls
walking down market
i saw a kid i see around often
often, meaning 10 times in the last 3 years or so…
but i always remember him
he’s handsome
— he’s from Santa Cruiz..
turns out he’s living up here in the city now
and the house he’s living in has a room for rent
— up on twin peaks
four house mates — for at least a year
ughhh,
might not be what i need
but good to be in touch: someone to hike and kick around town with…
walked down to church
and got a Cactus Burrito
yummmm
then headed back here, to Tiffany Manor
feeling much better
and
ready to send more emails
last night’s sleep
was like a junkie’s withdrawl
(wow, i’m usuing powerful similies lately that i feel might piss off people who have actually had these experiences and make me sound like a drama queen… but it’s how i’m feeling)
i tossed and turned
my head filled with snot
sweating profusely
shaking
shivering
going in and out of “dreams”
— a thousand angels, all my friends, were soothing me
lifting me
washing me
taking me
to all the potentials i create playing on the internet
living them
forcing me to go through
all the hopes and dreams i create
in the eathers…
yesterday’s post was just me feeling like shit
and needing to drain some of the puss out
feel bad
and allow myself to feel bad.
i re-edited it about 6 times.. adding things i wanted to say that i had forgot initially… then curbing a few things back
and the first reply i got to it made me feel really funny
like ” don’t fuck yourself up, babe, there are greater things a-head ”
treat myself more preciously
don’t even know what’s good for me
it’s confusing in this city
it’s really hard for me to keep balanced
but i’m working on it.
61 henry and the other place that guy had in the mission both rented immediately
so i’m still looking for a place
it looks like i’ll need a little over $2000 to get my own apartment/studio
there have been some great deals
but they all include a security deposit
and i’m about $600 short right now
so i need to rent a room for a month or a few weeks
gather up the cash
THEN get my own apartment
future: we’ll see how it works out
til then
enjoy the day
thank you.
SO
last night i went out after writing and played with a guy in the south bay…
a big round chef
cute
so sad.
his partner makes him feel bad for being fat
— he’s really big and round
but sexy!
you know the kind… like the chefs in “in the night kitchen”
but no stache…
he’s afraid of his beard coz it’s white…
he’s 38
fun to play with
but sad.
the whole story?
i’ll put it in a cut
Well, now that i said something
it reminds me
i’d really like to journal the last few days
but i have this one song on repeat
and don’t want to be sitting here for an hour
– – –
i feel like i should write more context
but just this thought:
i’ve gathered so much mysticsm in my travels and imaginings
that i have put myself out of people’s touch
or
my high standards of dreaming
makes it hard for me to be held by those with simpler dreams…
this is the way it’s always been?
where are my peers?
Hello?
so
after that last post
i stopped seething
and started talking
it was long and convoluted
but it came down to this:
he really had no intentions of doing what we’d talked about doing.
judegments
drag kicking, screaming
DO IT, LIKE THIS
like this…
because he’s never done it before
and i ask him to
and he says “yes…”
surprised
but should i be surprised when he backs out at the last second?
no.
angry though.
here in the house
alone
today
got angry
felt these voices
starting to believe in smudging… serious
this house of kept secrets
smoking pot
avoidance
now he’s sick in bed
YEAH RIGHT, motherfucker
and since i paid him attention
he’s shut up entirely
i can’t help it!
sometimes i even try to be nice!
not often… not good at it, not interested
seeth, quietly
how to interract?
and why bother?
back on wings up to the hermitage..
wait.
it’s raining
give it a moment.
last night i felt like i lashed out
what mood was i in?
what’s in the house?
reading his post
it just sounded Stupid
silly
absurd!
don’t take your friend seriously when he’s being absurd
you know him better than that
punch him in the shoulder and tell him you will not play this game
keep dancing
keep walking on
keep playing
not this game where you’re dumb
coz you’re not
not this game where you can’t say anything, can’d do anything, always wrong
it’s a Dumb Game: NO
saying NO a lot leaves you alone.
even to dumb things.
gotta go throughd dumb things being a human
gotta.
dumb.
walk around this city
fine, dominic
be alone and angry
it’s raining
sure
they bears are arriving for IBR
go smile at them
be a lover
pretend to be a lover
something
something better than just angry
i’m just writing to get the anger out
it doesn’t deserve to be directed at anyone
but you can’t leave it in a box alone
have to do something with it
here
just this.
fine.
meanwhile, back at the ranch
i just went to Magnet to get my HIV, Syphallis and Ghonorrea/chlamydia tests
Yeah!
while i was there
i got a free shiatsu massage
gave him a 10 buck tip
give it away…
the guy testing me doesn’t think i have syphallis or ghonorrea
but he does think i’ve got infections in my body
but he thinks it’s just general winter fatigue and choughs and plane illnesses
yeah, ok
and the shiatsu guy said i’ve been masturbating too much
and have a weak digestion
yeah, i know
how do any of us take care of ourselves?
What have i said yet of Money?
it is a way we’ve made our life manifest in abstract.
— i gave 40 hours of my life for this bill
— now i give it to you for a place to stay
— for a hamburger and fries
— this weekend’s entertainment
— a modicum of freedom (and gas to run it)
— you would never do this for me, but
— take this, now you must
the corporations come in and offer “Goods”
goods of no heart
mass production
goods made only to be sold
that is
to ensnare the life
of those unaware of the deal they’re making..
it’s that old christian metaphor, i’m sure most of you have heard it:
the devil offers such amazing gifts
—-[material reality]———–[junk in action]
in return
you give him your soul.
how did “the rainbow family” get started?
they saw the “Hippie culture” being sold to beer companies
radio corporations
shoes, cigarettes, hot dogs
the blood sucked right out of it
they abdicated
and said “no buying and selling here”
how it works?
everyone [who can and will] gives money to “the magic hat”
and that is taken by any of those willing
and translated into food stuffs…
local farmers? organic?
hopefully
conscious soul exchange.
another example:
the character “Brian” in “tales of the city” is burnt out
has no purpose in life anymore
just likes to get laid and smoke and wonder…
but once he was a lawyer
working hard for all the causes
was “their favourite freebie”
— and they never paid him.
well yes
if you give of yourself and never let your self get replenished
you run dry..
it must flow through..
Be Aware Where It Comes From
Be Aware Where It’s Going
Make Sure You Are Nourished
today was my first day on the street
selling flowers.
i didn’t sell any
i sat there with Guy.
many conversations were had
once
i listed all the things i would do for him
eg: i was there to help him move, committed to learning his craft
experiencing his life, helping him in any way i could be
(i didn’t give him a time limit, but i will do this for at least two weeks to see if it feels like it is a good thing for me)
he smiled
and said
“i want to make you happy… what can i do for you?”
a long pause, i replied
‘ whatever you do… i don’t rely on people making me happy cause i can make myself happy better than anyone i’ve ever met… so i depend on myself for that… and don’t ask it of others… but enjoy it when it happens: use your imagination. ‘
it occurs to me that i hardly entertain what my perfect lover would be
because i think it is so unlikely..
but because it seems so abstract
i will try and list some qualities now:
he would be open and honest with me at all times
and when he wasn’t
he would be soon
and humble himself and tell me what he learned from hiding from me
— i would be the same with him.
he would be an excellent lover
if he went through months of wanting to only fuck me
there would be months where i only fucked him
and months where we didn’t fuck
there would be lots of petting, caressing, massaging
there would be cuddling
there would be abstinence
things would move in cycles
he would cook for me, and i for he
each of us rotating our palets
and enjoying fasting from time to time
we would help eachother to not being addicted to anything
[note: i always write “each other” as “eachother” — as if the co-dependant nature of doing things together collapses the two into one naturally… it’s kinda freaky : the computer constantly alerts me to this through spellcheck]
we would both read to eachother
he could walk barefoot, and would enjoy it
he would sing to me, or play music to me.
with me?
hmmmm
et cetera, et cetera
it’s not That unrealistic.
perhaps being aware of what i want will help me get it?
be it?
anyway
today was my first day in the city
and i’m taking things slowly
i’m taking things slowly
i feel as if i’m stalking through the jungle
must be aware of the plants, the animals
any dangers? any rewards?
be aware…
Be Aware.
good conversations
good feelings
i don’t think this is what i thought it was going to be
i’m not sure what it is..
slowly…
paying attention…
it’s only the first day..
i feel like i’m stalking the prey..
through the castro
to the New Thai Restaurant for dinner
thick rich Tom Ka soup, hmmmm
the green papaya salad…
i weighed it on my tongue
‘ just make it hot ‘
he did, he really did!
was it just coz of how i looked?
Guy was stunned… he said it burned his tongue
i had to eat mindfully
all the stress in my neck and back melted
hmmm
Good Food
Happy Food
YUM!
then some beef with ginger, garlic, chives black fungus
with the remaining papaya
YUM!
Yossi and John walked in..
i saw Yossi a few days ago as i was leaving Harbin..
he’s a guy i know from circumstance since i first came to California
Omen?
while Guy was in the toilet
John asked me if i’d be around for a while
i told him i wasn’t sure
that’s what i was here for
but we’d see…
he asked if i was looking for a place
… well, we’ll see… yes…
alone or with other people?
alone.
how much would i pay?
not over 1000$
— we’ve got an apartment open in my building in the tenderloin for $850
AH! And yet another option…
Guy left me
and i walked through the castro
saw a strange young cute drunk boy
who begged me back over after we made eye contact
he told me i looked like a Rabbi
of course i did
my hair up
my long black leather jacket on
with my new mexican poncho’s tassles hanging out below!
what are those things called?
anyway
i did!
we talked
i felt good
and only had a 10$ bill
gave it to him to get some food
felt silly
but good
Give it away
get more back
i’m here in the city.
went to book stores
walked around
came back
Guy was watching TV
some Television drama about people crash landed on an island somewhere
fake, of course
in the jungle, whatever..
i tried to avoid it
but watched a good deal of it
then we set off to watch a DVD that was all subtitled too small, too contrasty to read
(the road to love, the film was called)
but i had my NetFlix
so we watched “Keep the River on Your Right: A Modern Cannibal Tale”
which was a Real story about being in the jungle
and was Fascinating to me…
he went out there
with no money
no back pack
just sneakers
and the shorts and shirt on his back
into the jungle for 8 months!
wild man…
and friends to live it with…
78 years in New York City!
where we Make Things Happen!
somewhere in the conversation it came up
(accidently, i’m sure)
that my time in SF was just like me going to school
yes
it’s a school
i hope i graduate it soon
i would rather be in…
well, so many places
but ya gotta have the skills ya need
Thanks, baby
i’m here.
like the moon
i wax on through the nights
where
a week ago
i was sleeping somewhere normal
waking round 8 or so
all my intentions
i got later and later
until last night
where i stayed up til past dawn
almost 8
laying in bed
thinking it insane
i just shouldn’t sleep!
i’m not tired anyway…
boom
GONE
somewhere
all these things happening
depcompressions
prayers answered
Leo woke me around noon
and he told me he’d wake me around 11
i was startled
showered
spacey
he made breakfast of chilli-turkey sausage, eggs and rice
i packed up
said good bye to the house
and headed down the road
head bobbing along the way…
everything blanketed in fog and rain
have i ever seen SF so rainy?
we went for dinner at a chinese resturant
right next to the LAB on 16th street
we had duck and bok choy
there was this little baby who’s head looked like an alien
Leo kept saying “it’s not really a baby, it’s an alien…”
and this BIG mexican guy
big mustache
huge shoulders
broad
big
tall
i was lusty
Leo was laughing with/at me
we went to Rainbow grocery
and bought three types of chese
one was Ski Queen “Gjetost”
which is like cheese made of Caramel…
another: French Morbier Raw Goat Milk chese
where they seperate the morning milking from the evening milking by a layer of ash…
the last
italian caciotta del lazio sheep milk/ pecorino fresco
yum yum yum
we’ll eat them with black chocolate
and rice crackers
but now
we’re sitting in the hotel room in SOMA
on Harrison at 5th street
the rain is still falling heavily outside
i don’t think i’ve ever seen it so rainy out there
it’s exciting.. to think of running around in it
but we’re going slow
we’re tired
i’m still a little hopped up on the caffiene from the chinese resturant
we’re going to have some calming tea
and then turn this computer into a DVD player
hook it up to the TV
and watch some movies
relax
— i’m arriving
i want to take my time to really be here
exhaustion is always a great introduction for me
keeps me from having expectations or trying too hard
i have no choice but to surrender
Ok…
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