Are thre lonely housewives or elderly folk
who are actually Happy to hear the Telemarketers call?
do they breathe a silent sigh of relief that they have someone to talk with for a while?
someone who
maybe
also has a life as… Spacious as theirs
but in a different way
they cannot pronounce their name properly
or may be asking for someone who doesn’t even live there…
but it’s a human
and you can ask them about the weather in…
where are they?
Arizona…
or
Colorado…
do they have conversations?
do their husbands or concerned children ever yell at them for giving so much money to randomn charities
or all the packages and letters that arrive
alerting them to their new services?
does this fulfill the need for something?
… everyone’s gotta keep warm.
SO
i’ve left the Hermitage
i was trying to kinda keep it under wraps
but i never asked anyone for secrecy
so it got out on a friend’s journal
and, Yeah
i’m moving to NYC on the 23rd.
it’s just after the equinox
and mercury will be retrograde in Aries
and the moon is waxing, nearly full
i packed a bunch of stuff into
my back-pack
a huge suit-case i took from Y
and a duffel bag i took from my father
mailed a large box of books (and my essential oils) to NYC already
media mail
we should arrive around the same time.
i land at about 11:30 in JFK on Jet Blue
i’m anxious
but not in a bad way
and i talk more about it
i drove up to the hermitage
via Harbin Hot Springs
saturday morning
with Frank Martin and Paul Brown
( ednixon and bigredpaul )
kinda morning
it’s hard to escape the vortex
and i eventually felt anxiety near panic trying to get us out of there
and we made it…
dropped off my info with my friend john… so he could see TuxedoMoon… which i bought a ticket for
but can’t see
as i won’t be down there for it.
rainbow grocery..
up through the napa valley
lengua burrito… probably last for a while
at La Luna grocery in Rutherford
Harbin
hmmmm
the broken rib i got from wrestling with my teacher when i was a kid came back like a splinter of pain
Paul was massaging me
i was swimming
i was screaming underwater and shaking around
it came out
i flopped around like a fish
i was so high
the house was sleepy when i got here
the boys crashed out
i finished making my absinth blend
and slept round two..
the next morning was slow
made Kitchari in the pressure cooker
and then we headed back to the springs…
there was an uncommonly beautiful man
frank said “Stunning”
i watched him move everywhere
when he got into the water
i was fixated on every part of him
we looked and glanced and smiled
i started working on Paul
and he came over to stand by Frank
i got the impression he wanted him
but then i massaged Frank
and then i massage the beautiful man
and we hugged and talked
for nearly two hours.
Ok.
i said
“i treat harbin like the garden of eden: here i have no judgement or critism.. i let that go and just enjoy the beauty… everyone is beautiful here… i’m not like this everywhere…”
i lay naked in the sun
i did the hot and cold work
i was so high…
and came home to meet Leo
we talked and hugged and hugged and talked
he made dinner
of fussili pasta. Portobello tomato sauce from a jar… and peas from a can…
Leo made a dinner of Fussili pasta and portabello love potion sauce
… with canned peas.
canned food makes everything taste…
Canned
the taste of my child hood..
ugh… those days, those awful days.
we set up the bed outside on the deck
the thick down duvet
the thick cotton/poly sleeping bag opened to cover us both
the thin cotton sun/moon blanket a big john had given me years ago…
the wind was blowing a gale!
the trees were screaming
but it was a beautiful night
we snuggled up warm
and let the stars sing us to sleep…
but the stars always fill my head with ideas
and i remembered that canned food is dead food
and that you should put life in to dead food before you eat it
so that it doesn’t have to leech life from your body to be digested
(you have to make it alive again before your body can use it)
so i
retroactively
went into the food (before we ate it)
and filled it with light.
life.
What a good idea…
[i wondered]
and it occurred to me…
wouldn’t it be great if they taught us that in school?
if i could be the uncle of every child
and find the opportune moment to ask them
“have they ever taught you about breathing yet?”
and then teach them..
wouldn’t it be wonderful if we all learned prana-yama or qi-gung as children…
wouldn’t it be wonderful if we learned it at all?
but the stars reminded me
it was clear
there is no time anyway
so i was the man in the wallpaper
at the small house i grew up in
in the blue room where i tried to find the door out of reality
i would stare into the wallpaper and make up stories of the designs
now
i was in the wall paper
i said
“Nicky…”
i was the man outside
“Nicky, go outside…”
i was in the trees, the vines, the ivy and oak, the corn and briars…
“Nicky…”
i was the great crab-apple tree
Nicky used to sleep walk a lot
i don’t remember
my parents told me
“Nicky…”
i called him
“mom,” he would say, ” i can’t find the sky in the garage ”
and dance in front of the TV
i was outside, i was the tree
“Nicky, come out through the garage, come around the corner, to the left…”
he stood under the great tree, looking up at me
“Nicky… have they taught you about breathing yet?”
“no…”
Nicky is five years old…
“Nicky, when you breathe… breath in as much as you can..
that’s right
let your chest get really big
yeah, til you can feel it tingling in your toes
.. do you know what you’re breathing in?
Have they told you about Life?
When you breathe in
you are breathing air and Life
when you breathe out
you are breathing out air and Life
everything around you is made of Life
everything around you is giving you Life
: Breathe it in..
it’s infinite… it’s all around you forevermore.. it will never run out
and when you breathe out… you are giving your Life to everything around you
so is the Life inside of you infinite: you will never run out
breathe your Life into everything you see and hear and feel
and breathe in Life from everything around you
learn to do this all the time…”
i could feel Nicky breathing
i could feel him remembering
in my body
i could feel myself growing up
learning about Love and Life
knowing it all along
from a little kid
i can remember my friend in the trees
the faeries…
i had a different childhood than i had
the wind was screaming through the trees
and Leo’s body was giving off heat like a fire
i was warming myself
i was breathing Life into him
and feeling his radiate into me
the wind was screaming in the trees
and the stars were singing us to sleep
all night i don’t know if i slept
i dreamt
i was going through different times and teaching myself
i breathing
i was floating and shifting
hat on my head
nose exposed
eyes cold
finding peace somewhere
and the negative ions in the air
the shooting stars punctuating my fantasies
the dawn rising
red along the horizon cut through the branches of the cedar
little bits of branches and seeds falling on us all night
the sun was coming
and i guess it’s time to start the day:
i have to pack everything
i have a lot of work ahead of me.
i forgot to say!
i went to see the Kings of Convenience wednesday night
they were Great!
Rotton Robbie was there too
and he took polaroids of me and other friends
to send to a friend, Dax
who got his C5 smashed in a car crash
so anyone who knows him and doesn’t know this
or anyone who doesn’t necessarily know him
but knows who to project healing energy
spend a moment with his spine
and sooth it
— we want him to walk and make music and love again
thanks.
. . .
this kid i had met said
“thanks for not ripping me to shreds in your journal”
while i was waiting for the bus
this guy smiled at me
and we started talking
i don’t usually wait for busses
i walk to the next one
and often just get to where i’m going
or nearly (and then don’t bother with the bus)
before the bus ever gets to me
but this guy starts talking
and i understand it is good to have randomn conversations sometimes
and he looks like he needs a smiling face to with
we talk
at eachother
take turns
there are compliments and excuses
i don’t need to give that detail again
but while we’re on the bus
he asks something about intelligent people… or artistic? or maybe that question about single?
i don’t remember
i just remember i looked at him and said
‘ i tend to like to rip my friends to shreds, i pick them apart and look at the inside of all of their fragments… i like them to tell me why they do and feel things… i want us to both be conscious of it ‘
he says
“well, even if you’re conscious of the things you do in your life… doesn’t mean it’ll change… this guy once asked me why i was attracted to this same type of man over and over and i said — I AM! and i know that but it’s just the way it is”
i paused
and said
‘ true, true enough: just knowing why you do things and noticing you do things doesn’t stop…but noticing and knowing gives you the option to continue: eg- i always am attracted to Leos… i always will be- i find them beautiful and attractive and i like to tell them so and that pleases them… and i am good at pleasing them… BUT
comming to knowledge of this also showed me the rest of the relationship: i am so busy pleasing them i forget myself… and they are so busy being pleased they certainly don’t worry about pleasing me… they think i’m plenty happy pleasing them…
so now that i’m aware of it, i can enjoy it like a fine pastry
but never again to think i could live off that ‘
he looks puzzled and says
” yeah, i guess you can respond to your feelings differently ”
‘yeah’
squishing through the morning dreaming
the first boy i ever had sex with
T.E.D.
we’re in my parent’s Barbie Dream House
but there’s an apocalyptic burning-barn fire-scene happening outside
(which actually happened… so maybe this dream is dated to when i was 15)
he’s really sad
he’s telling me how he’s going to kill himself
— i’m asking him why
i’m trying to convince him otherwise
and he blows up at me
“DOMINIC! you’re ALWAYS trying to kill yourself and you’re ALWAYS giving me more reasons to do so faster than I come up with reasons to live”
i feel bad about this
but can’t really defend myself against it…
amdist this small drama (because neither of us kill ourselves)
there is a party going on
in that desolate Indiana way
cold and damp
bon-fires
people standing around all bundled up
through the rain
tents
sheds
wandering through the masses
what are we looking for?
sex?
friends?
somewhere to not be cold tonight?
—
i wake to Plumpy bouncing on top of me after Plumpy has thrown a pillow on my head
(didn’t push down)
he says
“i’m sorry you don’t like san francisco”
and i say
‘ but i like Plumpy… the Plumpies are my favourite people in San Francsico ‘
Plumpy Lumps!
but, of course, bitching makes bitching makes unhappiness makes unhappiness
i don’t want to spread that around
ooops! did it again
i’ll be quiet now til i feel something better to say
it’s a beautiful sunny day outside..
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