day 9

i’m tired
but i have a right to be
i’m tired
i’m always tired
i write this
so i can imagine i have a friend
i mean
i used to have friends
but now i just have people who are in love with me
it’s not the same thing.
today i’ve written a lot
i wrote a good deal yesterday too
but today i’ve written more
good
thank you, mama
i was telling Normand
“if i don’t write, i feel all bottled up…”
i didn’t go on to explain that
This is How i Feel
not
this is how i feel
but this is HOW i feel
i feel by telling the story
i feel by talking about it
talking to myself
talking to you, my friend
— i used to imagine my journal was my lover
a woman even
a sweet heart
i’d whisper all of my secrets to…
she’d hear me
she’d touch my face
and put me to sleep.
— i lost my journal
journal after journal
lost or taken away from me
i’m not looking for a lover now
just a friend.
let me get back to now, alright?
today i was determined to be more driven
yet
still
lost at sea
i headed into the laundry room before 9am
-the earliest i’ve been out of yurt in days
i started writing
i wanted to tell my story
Again
but with gratitude
Yes, thank you George!
Again!, but with Gratitude!
i’d written an “opening” chapter
telling about my first day here
but i’d only got slightly into it
and couldn’t continue
but this morning i remembered thankfulness
and i got right to it
it came out better
it felt better
and i wrote through the first day (with a few stanzas taken from my first drafting)
and the second
and the third
and the time passing…
the time passing.
all day
i heard things i should write
but i had work to do
DS on the charger
lap top on the charger
i ate some guavas
i still felt like an alien
i got the fruit picker
and ate strawberry guavas
i felt like a freak
i went into the kitchen
and ate bananas
grabbed the other half of the coconut i’d cracked a few days ago
i sat on the deck
and ate it
looking out at the sea
energy
alright
energy
Enough
i went to my yurt
moved things around a little
read two more chapters in the book Kelly gave me
“Change We Must” by Nana Vearny
“the only problem you have is
believing you are separate from Source
— fix that problem and the rest will fall into place”
Yeah
yeah yeah
i know all ov this
why do i keep forgetting?
“so stay we must
strapped in under died hair
and brown eye liner”
i stared out the door
i curled up in a fetal position
and prayed
i prayed in thanks and desperation
— my friends
those of you who know me
you know i have more nightmares than i ever have sweet dreams
— i am a troubled soul
i asked my heart to show me the way
and i stared at the wall
and i imagined food i would eat
or fuck
or something
and laughed
i got up
and changed directions a few times
the grabbed my camera
and started taking pictures
some poor ones of myself
(i’d forgotten myself today!)
then the path
then down the path
and the field i would be working in today
then back to my yurt
my yurt
and the path to their house
a movie:
and back along the hallway to my yurt
then down the path again
pictures of the guest house (“love shack”)
bath room
office
me
their house
and the Jade plants
the trees
and the tool shed
the place i stand to get phone reception
the other yurt
some flowers
some leaves
i grabbed the tools i thought i would need
and walked back to my yurt
i put on my shoes
and went out work
this is impossible
it’s laughable
what the fuck am i doing?
WEEDING THE JUNGLE?!?
exactly
so i did
i ripped up the thick vines and grasses with my gloves on
realizing quickly
i needed another tool
so i walked back up
couldn’t find what i wanted
so grabbed a small crowbar
enough
Crow
(i thought about this today
where does “Squaw” come from?
is that some fancy injun way of calling a dame a “chick”? just another way of calling a lass a “bird”? it Sounds like a bird name…
hey Injun Daddy, you reading? ‘splain it to me… tell me a story)
some dead tree
dead tree here
i moved the lava rocks
ripped up the roots
pull up the roots
rip rip
and the rocks rocks rocks
i walked back and saw the other two
let me explain:
i’m in a jungle
and down the path from my yurt
there’s a little forest
populated by “Weed trees”
because Everything Grows here so well
even Trees can be Weeds
they grow so fast..
and they’re weeds coz they’re useless wood
break down easy in storms
in less than a year
the wood snaps like balsa…
so i’m hauling branches away
clearing spaces
to plan Avocados
see
because Everything Grows here so well
all of the avocado trees are surrounded by their offspring
so i’m using this huge metal rod called an “oh-oh-bar”
to pull up the roots
this bar is very heavy
i’m twirling it and lifting it
like i was in a gym
cept i’m naked in the jungle
did i mention that?
i don’t think i’ve talked about it:
i’ve been naked here for over a week
i mean
i’ve put on clothes
(like now, i’m wearing a shirt… coz i’m kinda cold. it’s cold. i’m wearing a shirt. no pants)
this is a-fuckin-merica
so i have to wear shoes and a shirt when i go into a business
though some of the hawaiians don’t bother
most places Make Ya
so when i finally post this today
i’ll be wearing a shirt
but the shorts i’ll be wearing is this really fancy sarong kinda shorts Kelly gave me the first day i was here
you tie them around your middle
like a flap
then pull the other end through the front
and tie it around the waist again
wha-la
Shorts.
— i’ll take a picture
anyway.
i’ve been naked here hauling wood
and chopping bananas from trees
and ripping up fucking vines
something like “My-lee pee-lau” is how you call it
it’s a nasty one
no thorns
no
it just grows up around things
strangles them off
then pulls them back down into the forest floor
and i understand
it’s keeping the contenders down
some of the big trees..
the Willi-WIlli’s
it grows up
becomes woody
doesn’t kill them
i guess they’re friends
but the young ones…
Dead.
so i’m cutting this shit back:
gotta give our Avos a fighting chance.
there are two planted here already
they’re looking pretty week:
so many weeds
and not enough light
so i weed around them
then go off hunting for my babies..
i wander to the wrong field first
those huge holes
going down down down
i stick the Oh oh bar down one
all the way down it goes
hits nothing
how the fuck far does that go?
i realize this is the Wrong Field for Avos
but the Right field for Thimble Berries
so i practice from the book:
ask permission
give gratitude
Bridget is there with me
she’s always talking to plants
maybe she’s Hawaiian…
i ask the thimble berries
and i’m finding the biggest
fattest
tastiest thimble berries i’ve had yet
i thank them
and continue on my way
when i get to the Avos
i forget to ask permission
i just introduce myself
and jab the bar in
turns out it’s useless
well, for a dumb ole Howlie like me
so i just hold the tree
and pull it up gently
it’s not clinging to rocks
the soil is so wet and soft…
i pull up three trees
there’s about twenty
so i figure if i plant three together
they’ll be happier
family
brothers!
and at least one will survive, yah?
back we go (hav’ta get more tools)
and i dig out the fucking lava rocks
9 to 10
really
rocks to soil
only one tenth soil
i’m saying
damn.
but i make the pit big enough
and gently work the soil (and rocks) around their roots
i pat it in
i arrange the rocks
and rain falls for about two minutes to make me feel better
sun’s shining
Thanks.
i go back to my yurt
put the tools on my deck
grab my camera
and take a picture:
Thanks.
now what?
i go to the banana shed
and look at the wood i’m going to work with
dig through scraps
yeah
this will work
i’m being fucking eaten alive by mosquitoes
i’ve got two cuts
one on my left foot (from lava rocks, swimming)
one on my right shin (i’m always banging my shin, living)
but they’re getting big and red
all this humidity
damnit
the flies are all over them
so i throw them back in the pile
(oh, didn’t i tell ya? i’m making a rope swing.
first carpentry job: something that’s not intimidating…
i’ve got other ideas too)
back up to my yurt
i’m sweaty
and dirty
and
hey
today i started peeling
it’s time for a shower
with Soap!
and
— i’m gonna clean everything
the bed sheets
and the two shirts and one pair of pants i’m wearing here
oh, and these borrowed socks.
i pile it all in my arms
and the tools
and head up to put them all away
do some laundry
take a shower
play some video games
as the night sets
the dryer is done
i rush back to light the lamp
grab my flash light
head back to the house
K&N are eating dinner
and watching On The Water Front
on their little 7″ DVD player
so i grab my laptop
and we all watch it together on the Big Screen ( 13″ )
eating stew
and potatoes
and salad
the movie is fucking amazing
you know that?
brando is beautiful
and we’ve got matching scars
kinda
i feel alien
Kelly says
“he sounds like Billy Crystal”
it’s a fucking New York accent..
and i wish they knew how much fun it was to run over the tops of the buildings
just like those kids are doing
they’re like dolphins
how beautiful.
the movie keeps me on the edge of laughing and crying the whole time
it’s beautiful
(and for those of you who have read this far, i just went on a tangent about a story i wanted to write that i have always wanted to write… but was, again, inspired… Remind of it tonight watching this movie… so i posted it HERE )
but i have to write now
before i go to sleep
tomorrow i’ll have a window for a while
i’ll be on line
and hopefully i’ll post all about this
as i packed up my computer
i felt some walls coming down
kelly said “good night”
good.
as i walked back
blew out the torch
saw the moon
saw the stars
(for some romantic reason…)
i realized that doing the work i need to do
puts me in accord with my life
which makes me feel better in it
it’s alright
just gotta keep doing it
it’s alright.
Thank you.