day 1

of course..
i didn´t sleep last night.
i´ve made a habit of it
before long trips
just not sleeping.
trying to wrap up loose ends..
maybe i´ve just got too many loose ends?
— i´m a frayed knot.
i bought four bottles of water for the plane, three for me and one for jim
some dates and a walnut bar
we started driving into LA at 7:30 am
.. i slept about a half hour
the ride in was mostly uneventful
G and J making their customary driving comments
“fucking cunt” and laughing at their jokes
i forgot to call my parents
so
borrowed jim´s phone
nattered with them both a bit..
my father was the one to say ” i love you ” this time
impressed
i nodded off in the back seat
and woke near the airport.
it started raining
and we had to take a bus from the terminal out to the gate
… never had done that before.
we flew LAN
and watched movies..
i got to watch Batman Begins
which i chose of Bewitched and Cindarella man
… i was feeling bitchy from lack of sleep
and didn´t pay much attention to the movie
thinking it was just a stupid fighting movie
until it started to draw me in
inspiring me
the belief of training people to destroy society every time it got over corrupt
and how Bruce Wayne was just too compassionate to believe that all hope was lost…
gonna do it the hard way
stop this avalance one boulder at a time..
the whole movie based on facing and overcomming/using your fears..
my favourite quote was
“it´s not who you are underneath that matters
it´s what you do that defines you”
i wrote down a few other things in my book that the movie made me think of:
-though i was not born a prince
that is no reason for me not to become one
(at this point in my life, i see that)
pleanty of people have mistaken me for one
it would be nice if i´d do the same
and educate myself into a pleasing super-human status
— sciences and martial arts… languages and arts..
… in this world of non-sequitors
all lineage has lost it´s roots..
perhaps i can find a place…
what use is hidden in my anger at the world?
what magic in my lonliness?
! i need a teacher! even still.. i will reject him.
— over all
the movie was entertaining.
i listened the new Moby album
.. the first track sounded promising… but it very quickly got tiring
:
i fell asleep
and woke at the next album.. something in spanish
a few tracks played before it woke me up enough to change it
to…?
the new ColdPlay record
ugh…
same feeling as always with them
— sounds pretty
but it´s really boring.
i turned it off
and started over BATMAN again to see the first 20 minutes or so that ignored
then napped a bit
read a bit
looked through the Machu Pichu book that Thor gave me
then ate again
then started reading “the power of now” that Leo had given me..
it read incredibly quickly for me..
perhaps because i felt like i knew it all already
— still, i was annoyed that i was reading some crap new-age text book
and thought it was funny that i was so judgemental and defensive about it
but it took til about page 30 that something really hit me
the place where he started talking about the difference between Love and Joy
versus
Emotions…
the word comes fromt he latin for “disturbance”
and he was saying
that what most people think is love
is just pleasure
hence
many relationships
quickly turn to anger and attacking
… and i couldn´t dissagree
i felt terrified..
but
we were there
… an 8 hour flight.
if i had started reading earlier, i could have finished it!
so i´ve got this trip to look forward to working through it.
minimal hassle at the Lima Airport
but i was really tired
and jim started telling me stories of when he was a teacher
and how he would hit the kids
and how it was good for them
because
basically
kids need attention
and they like it when an adult takes the time to discipline them
and maybe this is why i´d be a bad father
but shouldn´t there be another form of attention?
one of support and love?
then he went on to tell me story after story of the kind of father he had
drunk
beating up on his sons
killing their dog
— i stopped him
and told him over and over and over to stop telling me these abusive stories
it took me yelling at him a bit
and he said “well go to hell, then”
and pretty much shut off from me
fine.
i needed a rest
but felt bad
: i was not understood
and he was not understanding
and i´d done a bad job of protecting myself
( i hurt someone else )
the hotel was nice
but
such a change from the desert:
everything felt damp
we slept in seperate beds
a little night-stand between
like a Chassidic jew´s bedroom
or the Cleaver´s…