Sitting in Leo’s Silver Slipper — in Trinidad
Reading “For one more day” —
a book my mother gave me for christmas
i think i found the root of my
“trust issues”
even my Mother – who loves me unconditionally
made choices which depleted?/ignored? my life.
certainly my father made plenty…
i have No Trust in Love.
even with compassion…
i view that everyone does what they need to do for themselves First
…& that’s alright.
That’s how it is —
but i’m wired weird:
when i get in relationship, i want to give myself over to the person.
relinquish control ?
no…
i know i include them in my Identity.
there fore- many of their choices i go along with — as i would my own–
but i’m quite a peculiar fellow
& it takes very little time to become disappointed in the choices made by another 00
i get angry at them for being so careless; i get angry at myself for going along with it.
— i then try to take control
to prevent that violation from happening again
— But Relationships are driven by all the people in the ship!
— This never works.
————————–
Knowing this — how can i change my emotional
landscape ? blue print ? roller coaster ?
my inner child ?
– it’s these ideas … therapists/psychologists try to find the key to “heal what is “damaged” in a person… perhaps it’s just “who i am”
and i perceive it as damage because it’s dysfunctional
— but that doesn’t mean it CAN be healed.
— do i really want to accept it?
/-/
i suppose it is all of my years of journaling that make me a good listener — a good
Advice Giver.
in situation where people are begging for help — just in their speech
i just have to come up with something…
but myself for myself?
i have too much labyrinthine stuff in my head
easy to get lost in
hard to see clearly through
over
around
it takes time.
but i see the progress…
i hope…
i’m learning the paths, the patterns:
i’m not going to be lost in here forever
/
yeah
my human maturity.
when i come to Ripeness
then enlightenment i’ve known in soul & mind
will be my life
my heart
then i can love & be loved
it’s not a Time thing.
… bit it will happen..
/
it’s a couple thing
everyone here in the park is a couple
— in the book —
the tragedy of Divorce
Divorce
the loneliness of Separations
i have my books to write in .
by books to read
camera to see things with
never alone. no, never alone. no, never alone. . .
— always lonely
—————————-
Hey – at least i don’t have a dog
– yet