Uncategorized

driving into Rock River on Saturday
the parking area was pretty full
but there was a minivan pulling out
i slid in
waiting to take his spot
the drive spoke to me
telling me i could have it as soon as he could pull out
and he was the most handsome daddy bear
i talked with him a bit
growing tumescent
he said he wanted company
but did not want to go sludging through the forest
i understood
he shook my hand with his warm meaty paw
“my name’s Dave; i’m a bear bottom”
yes…
well that would be fine by me!
i gave him contact information
and off he went..
but as i walked through the forest
i kept wondering why i didn’t just suggest we drive back to the house so i could fuck him RIGHT THEN
what?
why didn’t i think of that?
yes
i really wanted to be naked out in nature
have the buffet of cocks in the forest
but a full bodied naked bear in bed
…
grrrr
i couldn’t call him back
and would he ever call me?
at the top of the far bank
before crossing the river
i ran into the most beautiful man
a big lumbering hairy bear man
sexy muscular body
round full belly
his name was also Dave
he was from Western Mass…
i wondered if i’d seen him on bear411?
he’d never heard of it
knowing only local AOL chatrooms
ahhh
and i forgot to get his handle!
i could have emailed him
instead
i massaged him
he didn’t grow hard at all
so wasn’t into me
reticent to even let me touch him
but succumbed to my massaging hands
yes
yes
Yes
but why didn’t i get contact?
he wouldn’t let me photograph him
but i got one as he was walking away..
what was most interesting to me was his ignorant masculinity
not Gay at all….
he told me he was a Hunter
Bear, moose, elk…
he tracks…
he climbs trees and shoots them too..
made me regret my father, again
his “blind” hunting
sitting in warm headed rooms in an easy chair
(louis said)
how embarrassing
that’s not HUNTING
this Dave
he was so hot
and he walked away
off to “the Ledges” to do some Kayaking..
i kicked myself all the way to the beach
why didn’t i get contact?
later
at the beach
i met a man named Hugh
who had some “something something” so his penis didn’t form fully
down curve…
but nice and thick
he was a nice fellow
and gives massage
he rubbed me on the rocks
warm rocks
he talked about Classic Attraction:
Classic Female Attraction
looks for a man who is powerful and a good provider
generally
the body hair
broad chest
beefy – healthy looking
someone who can provide for her and her children until they are old enough to provide for themselves
Classic Male Attraction
looks for someone young and healthy, fit
who he will be able to breed
and not waste his seed on
someone who will pop out good babies
and take care of them
until they are old enough to take care of them selves
Yes yes
that makes sense!
and as faggots
we can have both
and something else! (our fetishes)
a good reminder…
and So…
Zo…

— you should know
where he’s gone
because again and again
he’s explained…
“”
So
i’m in Indiana right now.
i came here for no reason but to be here
of course
reasons were made
one being
Morrissey was playing Sunday night (i arrive saturday)
and Kari said she’d get tickets..
she didn’t get around to it
so i looked on line
and there were MANY
i called a number
and got two tix in the second row, front and center
for $35 bucks each– flat.
i got to see old friends
one of whom i blanked on his name…
but i used to google him all the time
wondering what’d happened to him…
did he start that band?
did he move to france?
no: he’s still here in Indy
looks like he has a girl friend
but still flirting with me..
and the boss i used to work for..
Morrissey has turned into Quite the Handsome Man
(nice thick eyebrows)
he started off the show with an excellent “The Queen Is Dead”
“dressed in your brother’s bridal veil…”
he was very playful and didn’t take himself too serious
— i ran up so i could touch his hand when he leaned down to us…
—-[ post cut off by living] —-

(some one asked me to “give some tips” on Yoga)
best i can say about it is this:
the word means Union
the act of Yoga is a meditation and prayer
very often the way it is taught
is as a stretching excersize to keep fit
which by far misses the meaning
in any pose that you do
try doing the most simple one you remember:
mountain pose; corpse pose
your intention should be to be present with every aspect of yourself
every muscle
each sinew
everything feeling and thought
and then further
to be present with every aspect of everything
thus, God
— traditional yoga is from a hindu perspective
which gives the divine many different points of reference (they being polytheistic)
but the eventual goal, even then, is to become fully present with all existance
that is what yoga is about
and it makes those very difficult and strange positions much more interesting:
understanding your place in eternity
and what to do there…

Surrounding sense of embracing love and comfort to you
that’s a bit wordy to actually have at the end of every email..
but it just occurred to me i don’t know exactly WHEN i started doing that
but it’s not a salutation that was used until recently
the last few years..
and it occurs to me that it is Common now
probably not in letters
but in Emails
…
all of us
so loving
so distant
so lonely
wish to span the gap
and
surround eachother in embracing love and comfort
instead
we just write it.

from “The Machine Stops” by E.M. Forester
as found in the book
“Fairy Tales for Computers”
as found in the books
the Books.
”
Ere silence was completed their hearts were opened, and they knew what had been important on the earth. Man, the flower of all flesh, the noblest of all creatures visible, man who had one made god in his image, and had mirrored his strength on the constellations, beautiful naked man was dying, strangled in the garments that he had woven. Century after century had he toiled, an here was his reward. Truly the garment had seemed heavenly at first, shot with the colours of culture, sewn with the threads of self-denial. And heavenly it had been so lang as it was a garment and no more, so long as man could shed it at will and live by the essence that is his soul, and the essence, equally divine, that is his body. The sin against the body — it was for that they wept in chief; the centuries of wrong against the muscles and the nerves, and those five portals by which we can alone apprehend — glozing it over with talk of evolution, until the body was white pap, the home of ideas as colourless, last sloshy stirrings of a spirit that had grasped the stars.
“

Also
today i wore blue jeans for the first time in many years… possibly 15.
i own a pair now
i bought them on saturday for 12$
Lee’s
my sole distinction for this pair was
button fly
they also have bell Bottoms
— i needed work pants
i bought them because they were the only ones button fly’s in my range
it’s been a long time since i wore Size W32
… i feel like they’re girl pants
they way the hug my ass
it’s kinda nice too
today i cooked some pasta
with damiana in it
and raw minced garlic
some sea salt
i boiled it to make a mess all over the stove
reduced it
it was good
i also threw some raw olive oil in at the end
(that is an ingredient, not just a functionary to fry the onions)
and garnished it with pesto
periodically through the day
i stopped to photograph things
we find many things interesting to photograph
today we emptied the attic
i even photographed myself in an old house-dress-coat
it was very nice.

Thanks to my new friend, lolitasir
i got news of an art show i had some fitting work for
— i applied and got in
Opening May 1, 2007 from 6 to 9 pm
Runs through July 28, 2007
Arena Studios,
407 Broome Street, Suite 7A
New York, New York (for those of you curious)
i’ll be there at the opening and would certainly appreciate anyone who can make it to show up!
for more, look behind the cut

i left the big island friday morning
last week
my intention was to move across the island
once i’d finished my month commitment with N&K
and live at another farm
where i would have internet access and electricty
the man who owns that farm wanted to meet me, of course
and doesn’t live there full time
so
because i have an “art opening” in new york
i suggested i fly to meet him on the mainland instead
so i could be there for my opening
the only good flight he could get
was the next morning
so off i went
i spent the weekend in the SF bay area
this man i’ve met has agreed to mentor me
… i’ve always wanted a mentor
and i believe he is the right person
per many a friend’s suggestion
the relationship is not sex based
he thinks and processes like i do
but he’s older
and much better/clearer at it
so he’s helping me sort through some of the lies i tell myself
— i’ve needed this for a long time
and being in my saturn return as i am
i am ripe for this treatment
(if i continue in this way.. .i’ll be blowing around the world for the next 28 years… if i survive that)
so we’vve got some plans in the works for me
as it looks now
i’ll be living in Vermont this summer
working on his farm up there
i will visit NYC occasionally…
and the midwest
in the fall
i will return to the farm in hawaii to live for a few years
(stationary-like)
and go to school
get my self focused!
so there’s that
the vaugeries of my plans

i’ve known for a long time how a kiln works
if you open the door when you’re firing your pieces
the process doesn’t work.
i realize a lot of what i’ve been posting here has been my standard journaling
which, shince i’ve been 14, has been about what’s going on internally
but when i post here
i’m making all sorts of little edits
and it’s fucking up my process
so i’m going to keep the door closed a while
i’m not going to be writing, publicly, about my internal process
like this post
this is the last of this kind.
.. so tehre will be a lot more private posting in here
Still
i’ll put up events and where-abouts
and the occasional rambling conversation scraps and ideas
restraint…
happy saturn return to you all.