this is a little catch-up post
my plans involved coming to NYC and getting an apartment
then taking many steps from there
square one has not been covered
i’ve been here nearly a month and a half
and things are not opening up
PLUS, my first two weeks here were incredibly painful and disturbing
— it was mercury retrograde
so i just took it in stride
but now i’m viewing it more as a definitive ” you’re not supposed to be here ”
indeed
living in NYC makes me tired and a bit cranky
but it also makes me grateful for all the people, music and art
all the Happening
all the Life
and i know i could make it work..
i still very much feel i would like to live here
but (grrrrrr)
i have been trying to get grounded now for years
and felt that if i didn’t succeed by the time my saturn return was over
then i would have just missed that opportunity
well, that was the 23rd
and i’m not nested
so i feel like i was dangling on a hook
and have now been sent back to the wind
instead of reeled in
per my plan earlier this year
i was going to give it a month here
then go to Portland Oregon
to spend a month in that city again
and see how i felt there
Would I want to Live there again?
my major trepidation about that right now is from my getting back in touch with an old friend
who appears to be a huge vortex right now
and i worry that if i went there
i might just get sucked into that
(for we are old friends and her current energy is reminiscent of my manic days)
so i would like to spend a year here instead
coz i know i can have better boundaries here
just to hammer out some of my work
Time Frames!
the other direction, of course
is just to pick one of the places i want to live
{Amsterdam, Berlin, Istanbul, Sheffield, somewhere in Spain, Swizerland, or Cusco Peru}
and just GO
live off my savings
and see if i can find a way to make it work
teaching english
or getting some sort of job to survive
or
just go to Thai land like another friend suggested
live on a beach for a few months for a total of $100
and walk around Anchor Wat
all that stuff
settle down
or keep traveling?
settle on some temporary nest
(like tenneessee)
and keep on my way?
Adventure!
i don’t need to be famous anyway
but i would like to get some work done
that i’d like to do
now now now!
i could just do it know, i suppose
if i didn’t feel so worried about what next…
anyway
i’m here in NYC
i’m working at the Floating Pool at the Brooklyn Park Beach
thursday to sunday, 2 to 9pm
stop by
or
come to the gallery my art is at tomorrow night
207 Broome street (at lafayette) suite 7A
for the closing cocktail party
when anything feels definite
i’ll write about it
(click)
i love philosophizing
but some i find tedious
just recently
someone threw that
“well, how do you know the same blue that i see is the same blue that you see? they might be different colors we’ve become accustomed to calling the same thing” crap at me
however
last night
while laying next to a new friend
i felt his heart beating
pounding
his breath fast and shallow
i thought “he’s so scared… why is he so scared?”
and i asked him
and he said “i’m happy”
and it made me think of my mother
or other people i’ve known
who burst out into tears
sobbing and crying
and then say “i’m happy”
or the man i fucked a few times in tucson back in 97
who cried every time i was inside of him
and it terrified me
“i’m so sorry!”
i would feel
and had to not call him or see him again because i didn’t know how to deal with it
was this some painful abusive memory i was re-initializing for him?
or was he just very “happy”?
and maybe i’m getting Old enough to allow people their own experiences
and can accept that if he says he’s Happy
he must be Happy
who’s to say that his Happy is the same as my happy?
what i read as obvious fear
is his happy
he’s kinda a nervous guy as it is
from the perspective i have on people
new yorkers, in general, tend to be neurotic and a bit high strung
of course
he’s a notch up on that
so maybe he’s got that rabbit-heart as a base for his other emotions
so the happiness is just too much excitement
and makes him feel like he’s going to burst?
it’s so difficult to know another
how they say it
how they play it
and the feelings
the waves
and the physiology
how am i to know?
to spend time with
to learn he language of
the customs of
everyone is another country
some my passport is not good for
and
no matter how much i want to live there
… will i always be a tourist?
today
one of the dominican girls i work with
Angelina
said
as i ran by her
“i love seeing you with bare feet!”
so do i
running around in the sand
it’s not a bad gig
being barefoot
in the sand
seeing the sunset every day
lower manhattan looking like a toy
like a jewelry box
but it’s all the time spent Having to Be there
that gets to me
Having to be On Time
During Time
when i could go to a movie
or an art opening
or could be writing
which i haven’t done since i started the job.
there really is a lot i need to write
not just my experiences
— skinny dipping last night with Jorge
— not getting the apartment, worried about my father as A Failure
— the job i’m working
— indian food dining as a sinyasi
— delivering Art
— keep in contact with old friends
— enjoy a drink now and then
— old priests
— new amusements
and not just my current experiences either
all the past i’ve been meaning to re-write
but all the ideas i’d like to share
i have a lot to write
and thousands and thousands of photographs i want to sort through
post
and edit
and print
and hang around my room
then write about some more
and get them in a gallery
but i don’t have a room yet
and i’m currently massaging out my place in reality
where am i?
and where can i be?
i’m just moved to write a bit now
the fat jewish guy selling icecream down at the beach
who refuses to let me do anything sexual with him
(though he let me touch him today — i gave him a bit of a massage and was tumescent the whole time)
– he gave me the dvd for “Altered States”
which i’ve been told to watch for years
and
indeed it was a great reminder
like i should be delving into psychedelics again
but i’d like to learn to meditate better First
but really
the beauty of the film is more about
Love
ah
that old desire
where did i put it?
must have put it somewhere precious so i wouldn’t lose it
but for the life of me
i cannot remember where…
delving into the chaos void of eternity
it is love that recreated him
and
it was him having to do the same for her
that brought the film to a very satisfying end
Yes
Love
when will i get the one who is willing to reach out to me through the chaos
and grab my face back into existence
through love?
i have tried so many times
lost in the fog.
sorry that last post was so cryptic
most people assumed it was I who was being rejected
most of the stuff behind this cut is just usless details about relationships… but i’m mostly just saying that i’m aware of many relationships i have rejected through my life…
so i woke a little early this morning…
the last month in Vermont re-instilled in me
the importance of Meditation
Yoga is a form of that
but i’ve also been doing two sets of 20 minute sitting practice as well
immensely beneficial
So…
i’ve been in NY a week today
and
of course
haven’t been keeping it up (when i need it most)
i spent last night with my Injun Daddy
and we always work our ju ju
i woke with a start around 7
a swirling mass in my head
i sat up and started meditating:
too many desires, diffused focus
moving too fast
remembering nothing, feeling nothing
too fast
so
Slow Down.
after that
i got on my knees
and started some asanas
Injun Daddy lay on the bed (smoking cigarettes) watching me
being witnessed makes a field of presence
makes everything more clear
i felt the blocks, the stickiness (the new york heat, the stickiness)
and moved into them
and through them
Yoga
i said
is a ways of trying to make sense with the world
to notice
“being a human isn’t helping me be at peace. i want to be one with the world. maybe if i’m a tree i can be one with the world (tree pose), maybe if i’m a mountain i can be one with the world (mountain pose), maybe if i’m a camel i can be one with the world (camel pose) maybe if i’m dead i can be one with the world (corpse pose)”
and so we try
we fit into these shapes
and feel them
like
i said
when i was a child and had no emotional understanding
i would watch the expressions on peoples faces (the laughing, the anger… the tear falling)
and i would wear it on my face
put it in my voice
to try it out
to be accepted
to see what it’s like
it was
a way
to learn
but yoga
it also, as, perhaps, i’ve forgotten
a way to make love to myself
(different than just operating my body with my joystick like a video game)
using my body to make love with god, make love with everything in existance, make love with those witnessing
just from fully being
so i
bent over my extended foot
relaxed
and heat spread through my shoulders
up into my face
and the stuffiness (new york summer heat) and pain
the stuckness
melted
poured down
and out
while i talked about dogs
and camels
and trees
i felt my body be at ease
yo yo yo
blowing in the breeze
now i’ll go for a walk through central park
good morning, first full day of summer.
i working on the 50 words book project today
i found THIS in someone’s journal
i grew up in indiana
— the entire thing is like a “silent horrible homophobic murder”
(well, maybe i’m being a bit too wide on that one… but mostly)
i narrowly avoided the axe
but hey
if you’ve got some stomach to you
go HERE
read about it
and knock Indiana on the head a few times.
i had a great ride down yesterday
i’ve been using craigslist for years for rideshares
and never before has it happened
where i got a big sexy gay daddy bear
maybe it’s a sign of good luck?
i’ve never had a gay man before at all
nor have i had someone of my “type”
but when this man arrived to pick me up
i lusted after him the moment i saw him in his Subaru…
in fact
oddly
the day before
when he first called
the house was crammed with people
and when the phone rang
it cut through all the chatter and resonated in me somewhere
“it’s for me”
and it was
and it was this guy who was giving me a ride down
and just talking with him made me feel warm and fuzzy
— though i knew absolutely nothing about him
and he very little about me:
it was just a simple craigslist rideshare.
still
with all of my craigslist ride shares
i like to give them something more than just some money for cash
the first one i gave tons of MP3s to
dumping them on his hard drive when we arrived at his house
before he took me to his destination
the last one
i showed a nude swimming area on the way up to Arcata
and though it was late January
we still stripped naked and jumped in and played around
this man and i
when he arrived
he asked to use the bathroom as i was packing my stuff
he kinda reminded me of Shrek
but in a good way, ya know?
big jaw, big shoulders, big arms, big hands, big belly
no facial hair (hence the Shrek even more)
as i lead him to the toilet he asked me how i liked my stay in vermont
i told him about Rock River
he said he’d heard about it… which pools?
as i could feel my balls and second chakra humming
and struggling with wanting to wrap my arms arond him
i made it clear i had been going to the gay area where many people were having sex in the forest
“oh, i definitely need to go there then,” he said
only ten minutes after being in the car
we cleared it all up
and i was massaging his neck
his huge, thick neck
and feeling all of the tension in my body draining
often, when i connect with people, i feel the energy coming to homeo-stasis
when i believed myself to be more limited
this made me scared i was being drained
now i love the feeling of that connection
and the lessening of the pressure inside of me
even just from touching like this
i closed my eyes and enjoyed the comfort as we rolled down the road
one hand on his neck
the other hand in his hand
so we were boy friends for the day
we stopped a few times and had sex on the way down
once at this place in new york that i’d stopped at a few times back and forth
a trail head
obvious for what it was
it was very hot
and with a stream right there
so easy to wash up afterwards…
and again
in a parking lot
he said “i’ve never done things like this before…”
-he’d just come out 5 years previous
he was nearly 50
and still in the divorce process with his wife
amazingly, we had lots of “cuddling”
as much as you can do in a car barreling down the freeway
stuck in traffic
took a little longer than we’d suspected
but it was a very nice ride
i arrived at my friend’s house
to a home cooked meal
and a three-way
(with a big black man who i’d talked with for years on line and never met– also a nudist and goes to GNI every year… maybe that’s in my future too!)
i slept early
woke early
and feel grateful
of course
i checking my email
i heard from a guy i played with a few times a few years ago
a big bear
bi-sexual, you know
he always had a girl friend too
but now they’re married
and get this (this is great)
in marriage counseling
(i don’t get it: they got married just so he could share his health benefits with her… APPARENTLY)
she pulls out the most recent issue of the New York Press
which has an article about the Sex Worker’s Visions show
with one of MY photos illustrating the article
and she says, to the counselor
“See! he’s been going to whores! this is HIS BODY!”
she knew he was part queer
what’s she complaining about
and that body is nothing like his body!
he’s even chubbier!
i asked him
“did you tell her that NO, that wasn’t you… but that you knew who i was?”
“oh no, of course not, no. she does not know we know eachother.”
review:
http://nypress.com/20/23/abouttown/about4.cfm
i ganked this from bitterlawngnome
(it’s that LJ friends user-icon meme)
it’s really beautiful…
beautiful beautiful beautiful
drove around and around in the pick up today
ended at Destiny
talking with Bambino in the car
playing him music
kissing…
it reminded me of sitting in the driveway outside of my parents’ house
in whatever car
“my” car
their car…
at 3 am
2 am
midnight
late
later than i should be
should be asleep
all the stars out
having to stay awake late at night because it’s the only time that was mine
having to live in the margins of someone else’s life
and that’s why i’m leaving…
that’s why i’ve always been leaving
looking for a blank page to make my story in
i think i’ve collected enough now, yeah?
it’s time to start writing.
Yesterdays Headlines
blown by the wind..
Yesterdays People
end up
Scatterbrained
— everything in the mail
i’m trying to have sent
is going to the wrong place
i called
i tried
i spent the time
it went to california
it went to Tennessee
out of my hands
no control
Carrington
artist
beautiful girl-boy
reminder
see some kid in Ottawa
remember Eric
what a reminder
so i look through some pictures
and my heart spills everywhere
everywhere
i look through the pictures
and the eyes
the cheeks
the nose
the lips
the chest
the shoulders
the neck
the hair
the face
the way he looks at his boy
love
love love love
a boy a bit more ripe than i
the right time
a moment too late for me
that was a heartbreaker i had to forget
another thing crushing me
crushing me
even now
my face hurts
around my eyes
my chest
my heart
i want to run away
i want to scream at the sky
i want to fight with Odin
and damn Loki
but it does me no good
so i bless them for their love
i’m grateful for their love
loved and loving
good for them
but there are some heartbroken things about me
i need to forget
to keep from tearing the world down
luckily
i can’t do either.
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