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it’s so easy to point the finger

i’ll listen to “Bang&Blame” for an hour

yeah
it’s not too crazy to accept

no one gave me anything
it’s mine
it’s mine
i do it to myself
i do
that’s why it really hurts

i remember Martin telling me about having lice at a gathering
and he took some mushrooms
and got rid of them

even if it’s a physical manifestation in Reality
doesn’t mean you can’t change it from behind the scenes

behind the scenes.

write it out of the script.

Yesterday
i went out with Jan to see some art by Orr Marshall

(that’s the best image i can find)
free experimental films and his paintings at the Museum here
we ran from that
to get burritos from a nice little place where three cowboys were playing their acoustic and doboro guitars
but we were in a rush over to the Accident gallery to see two Stanley Kubrick films
i’ve not seen his stuff in a while
and it was a major emotional assault
first was Paths of Glory
which i took these pictures from
the men were hot
but as the drama increased
i forgot about that
and just felt terrified at the state of humanity
wow, who knew it was so apparent even then and in France?
(well, i would have suspected…had i been born)
next was The Shining
which i kinda felt like skipping after being so shattered by the first film
but i’d not seen it in years
and Jan was up for it
so we stayed..
..
..
staggering home near midnight
ice on everything
Jan was surprised that i’d found fun free stuff to do in this town the first few days i’d arrived
when he’s been here 3 months
but damn
i know how to survive in a small town if it has Anything to offer
i took more images
attempts
but no fruits
so i’m just including these because the men were stunning..
this guy on top
(repeated again)
reminded me so much of thornyc
i had to write him and tell him
the actor’s name is “Robert Freed”
and no pictures are available of him in this Hotness on the internet
so may these be proliferate…

just a little vent

wow. i love being in california
emphasis on the sarcasm

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thoughts i wrote in the airport before i took off

So
i’m heading to the airport now
arriving in Oakland at 4pm
probably only in the bay a day
then heading up to Eureka to be with Leo
haven’t been in CA for over a year
hello again

this and this and this… and just this… and a bit off this…

one room one night. one man one night. just like before,

a friend of his recently committed suicide
— his son had died in iraq
his wife was very distant from him for the last few years anyway
it was just a few months after they buried his son
that he shot himself in the head
at his memorial service
the pastor said
this had happened many times in the last few years.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – –
he told me he’d only had sex with 3 people in the last twenty years.
he told me he never cared too much what somebody thought about him
the music he made, though: that’s a different story
and i took this genuinely
and admired his devotion to the etherial art of sound
yet the reason he came to me
was for the realm of the body
which he could not stop thanking me
for escorting him back into.

Yo, what’s up?
i googled myself today and found this:
http://www.fireflyfans.net/sunroomitem.asp?i=13229
… where’d she get that?
i’d never heard of FireFly before
but i named one of my hard drives that last year (the one i travel with)
and someone just emailed me with that as their address
100000 fireflies all around . . .
(and i need more sleep)
(but i did just finish another big project, thank you full moon)

i left the shop so late last night
everything was frozen over
i let the truck idle for a while
warming up
i walked around
looking at the moon.
when i got in the truck
i switched the parking lights on just so i could read the dashboard
and when enough of the ice on the windscreen had melted
i pulled out
4:30 am
no cars on the road
i was over half way back home before i noticed i hadn’t turned the driving lights on
the moon was SO amazingly bright
i could see just fine
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i keep getting smacked with the feeling
of how many people there are in the world.
and i don’t need to be famous
coz… even if is were, like (um) Johnny Depp famous
there would be many many people who didn’t know about me and didn’t care about me.
where did this fucking fame bug come from?
am i so lonely?
there are SO many people in the world just living their lives
finding something to do with every day…
as i packed up the my stuff in goat’s house today
putting my stuff into storage
yet again
i thought of all the days people have
all the life lived
all the life wasted
and is there really anything wrong with just watching TV and smoking pot all day?
or drinking?
i guess i just want to have a full life experience
and some sort of noteriety is involved in that
do i have enough?
it’s a constant being, it needs to be nourished
and then my body
and then my emotions
and then money
and then stuff
today i was daunted many times by the immense puzzle that is life
as
yet again
i feel like i have to address square one.
[ until i make my own square one, (yes i see now, N) i will keep getting people trying to give me their square one…
which they’re doing because they don’t really have one either. ]