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all the poetrys in Dylan’s Just like Tom Thumb’s Blues
“When you’re lost”…”and negativity won’t pull you through”
“I’m going back to New York City…
I do believe I’ve had enough”
… as performed by Nina Simone
thank you thank you
I’m so ready to be home
I’m lifting the plane
just with my hope
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I sat in Rocco’s pizza trying to feel nostalgic
but really
what’s great about Portland
can’t be had in a visit
maybe I know this; it’s something I’ve learned
maybe I just feel like this right now
perhaps it’s true of everywhere:
you only get the heart of a place ( thing?) if you commit to it
you have to BE there
why am I so far away?
I left my heart in new York city
and the pizza here is crap
but out the window I see the ideal of my Portland man
middle aged
full beard
dark hair
nice plaid shirt
black slacks…
he keeps pulling up
he looks really strong
and a bit soft
he walks into Powell’s
and I imagine meeting him in the stacks…
ten years ago
when it would have been possible to take him up the block the the bath
house
in a moment of inspiration
or desperation
… that’s what I’m feeling now
just like those days when I first came here
the endless grey and constant rain
walking around these streets
not wanting to go anywhere
but knowing I had to find somewhere
can’t walk around forever
or the oil-skin will be soaked through and pull me down
but I don’t want to talk with Jerry
I know I never loved him
just wanted someone do simple and beautiful to love me
and similarly
I’m mourning the loss of Trevis and Sheridan
now that I’ve spent time with both of them again
I know that what we had is really gone
irretrievably Lost
that amazing relationship of tinkering with the makings ov eachother
we don’t have that trust anymore
we’re all much more alone
it seems only Sheridan is blundering forth hopefully into new loves…
I decide to walk into powell’s anyway
I don’t want to buy anymore books
and I’m not hungry for a cookie
but maybe I’ll feel at home there?
and as I wait at the corner
my Ideal Portland Man walks out
we cross the street at the same time and nod at eachother;
he’s gorgeous
a curled mustache, and stylish simple metal framed glasses
I reach the curb and turn back to look
but he’s crossing the next corner…
and walks down past Rocco’s
I watch after him
and cross down
pounding the pavement to head him off at the next block…
where’d he go?
I walk up the street looking in the shops for him
and there he is in Counter Media
an erotic ( and odd ) art book store
I imagine what I might like to buy
but then notice the Closed sign is up…
he’s talking to the shop person
they head to the door and I mock playing with my phone while they get
in their car
then put it down and stare at them openly
a wish as old as myself
I want them to take me with them…
as they drive off
I follow them up to the corner
cross
come into Powell’s cafe and get a Ginger brew and some cookies for later
decide to write
because I can’t imagine a friend I could tell this to who I’d feel
would understand me
I try and take a picture of myself
but it does it again
it must be broken
but it’s what I’ve got
I’ve always fought against my natural perception of finiteness
as a child I felt so singular and isolated
as I got older and started having sex
I got veryparanoid about people sucking out my life force
cumming too much
wasting my vital essence
of course
studying yoga and Chinese medicine supports that paranoia
and I sometime collapse into the fears of how to preserve my Jing or something…
but occcasionally I meet men
like that guy yesterday
who is 75
and cums many times a day
fucks and gets fucked
and is much healthier, vibrant and happier than most people I know much younger…
I… I wanna be like that.
but we all live our own life
like Spawn
counting down the power we have before we return to the grave
some have more
some are better at preservation and cultivation
but some are unlimited
and ride the waves of joys and pains through lifevwith a smile on their face
( and a hardon brandished high )
is it faith or genetics?
will I always be dispossed to feeling depleted?
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I ate with Sheridan last night
she’s vegan
I was very impressed
with mushrooms, seaweed, kale and tempeh
it felt so good
clean
and I felt nibbly again an hour later
today
my final Portland disappointment
is not getting to any hot springs while being here
so I was walking down Belmont
my old neighborhood
through the rain
I found a Buiscuit restaurant
it was full
so I read a bit under an awning of a near by bar
then went in to eat
egg on top of excellent biscuits
half sausage
half shitake mushroom gravy
mmmmmm for a cool grey day
which I’m happy for
portlant isn’t supposed to be sunny all the time
also
my iPhone camera is fucking up a lot lately
Sunday morning I was able to open my back
it’d been fucked up since I left new york
something stuck
and digestive trouble
lots of skin break outs
and joint pain
I was a mess
and
of course
circumstance of Not being able to get the nature fix I had hoped for out here put me in such a foul mood
I did yoga every day
inspired by the classes I’d been teaching in Brooklyn last month
and with that tiny bit of clarity
pushing through my misery
showed me just how powerful and detrimental allowing myself to sit in anger and depression
well
it wasn’t depression
because I was aware of my emotions the whole time
I was just consumed with anger and ugliness
I really don’t like that
” what use are these dark suggestions that I follow?
are they part of some sort of plan? ”
– Rumi
but I’d primed myself for it
wrote an article about the inevitable power of chaos
and the attraction for people to manifest as agents there of
then saw The Dark Knight
and Heath Ledger’s perfect example of a Chaote
which, I’m sure is what spun him out of control
it’s rare to be able to delve into the dark and be able to rebalance
without any wounds
anyway
I’m better
I’m back in keel
thank you for all of your support
either through comments, emails, prayers or just witnessing
— this photo was taken a few days ago by a photographer here
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it’s the same tired, lost, unhappy faces you’d see anywhere…
but here
they all have dyed hair, huge piercings in their ears, a few in the
face, and tattoos somewhere…
they’re probably stoned…
going with the confusion always helps.
i’m kinda seething
seething in hatred and seething in lonliness
i’ve been sitting here working on this magazine for days
in the sweltering heat
thinking that i flew here to be at a hot springs
when i could use it … so badly..
my skin is a mess, my digestion is a mess
my energy is all fucked up
i’ve been sick and achy and tired and feeling broken
and there are the hot springs
and fucking diva queens playing in them
and i’m stuck here
because they didn’t fucking care that i flew here to be there
i was too late
so what the fuck ever
but i’m not at some other gathering
i’m not joyously traveling around
or seeing old friends
i’m sitting at my fucking computer working on their fucking magazine
a magazine i don’t even like
but work on out of some sort of abject guilt
a friend called to remind me of that fact:
that they wouldn’t allow me into their gathering
but i’m sitting here working on their rag
and the next issue is about this gathering
now i’m seething in anger
how can i do this?
i hate being a hater
but i just wish i were home
not that i have any really great friends there or anything
i don’t have any real great friends anywhere
coz i’m such a nasty hater
but i’m fucking holding my breath in limbo here
and i want to explode.
… for what it’s worth.
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I’m in Portland
and the Gathering at Btietenbush starts today.
I’m not there.
it’s all well and good
but I’m allowing myself to fall into depression.
I suppose it’s good I can’t find any good ice cream around…
the pizza was ok…
there are ghosts of me here..
potentials…
I’m hitting my head against all I never was…
it’s just a luxury…
fall
constantly talking about not falling in love anymore
or with what signs
and he says
“not doing the soul-mate thing again for awhile… like til when I’m 60” ( he’s my age )
and feeling stupid for looking at him too much
or dumb for wanting to hold his hand on the car ride home
but sharing a Sarsaparilla and Cream Soda with him
the water was more beautiful
as was the sky
the blackberries more complex
the drinks more rich
maybe I’ve just not been here in a while
or maybe I AM a romantic…
or maybe I’m just the sort of guy who can only have what’s impossible to live with
lots of knowledge
does not equal
Intelligence
the Obituaries page has lots of hot guys on it
we don’t touch eachother as much in new York, not on purpose…
“America, You and I are Perfect
Not the Next World”
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childhood friends
bears
faeries
clients
been busy
but things are looking up
rushed to catch the bus yesterday
turns out
it was on faery time
the driver wasva bear/faerie guy I met last gathering
gave me a free day pass…
and his phone number
today
passing the
“Chinese Baptist Church”
Why?
complete with broken English:
“For Make Disciple of Christ”
there are a few things here I miss
but also so many I’ve totally lost interest in
( like arguing about or mocking religeons )
or
–! gasp !–
am Sooo Ooover
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