worked on a psychiatrist tonight
i said “oh, you’re a doctor? of what?”
he said “of the mind”
and i kept thinking of that
coz his body was so tense
and obviously not well lived in

of the mind…

and i thought of yoga, buddhists
meditation…

it’s like playing sudoku
sometimes i just get the Feeling that a number should go somewhere
but it’s not logical
that game is just a game of logic
but i’ve long since given up using logic as my only tool
and playing by the rules
so am i right or am i wrong?
but i go by instincts so much. . .

and illness of the mind
can you fix them from inside the mind?
isn’t it like treating the illness with the same poison?

i thought of the days i was worried about being crazy
made histemic these last few days from an “old friend” repeatedly referring to me as “off” “crazy” “nutz-o”

the way i solved my problems of the mind was stop feeding them
get out of the mind
and be in the body

the mind comes to quiet
don’t try to force the bulges of the mind back into shape
just don’t feed them
live in the present
and let them die off…

…i’ve said
many times this week
about the stress in people’s bodies:
“that stress in your shoulders, that tension is you holding onto stress that happens through your days:
work that needs to be done, the numbers, the fabric, the boss yelling at you: whatever. but your paycheck is not meant to be a payment for lease of your body: when you’re at work you should deal with those stresses, when you leave you should let them go, let them die. shake it off like a dog. those concerns are always Right Here when you need them… otherwise, they don’t need to be in your body, your mind.”

present.
talk about being present…

i finished the RFD survey

http://www.rfdmag.org/survey

i’d been fiddling with it half heartedly for weeks
only friday, rushing to get it done, did i figure out that there was some user-setting that made it impossible for me to actually do it (rich-text editing turned on so i couldn’t edit the HTML code properly and no way for me to turn it off) the Admin fixed it for me and i hammered it out today.

i sent out an email to everyone as i was working on it
no one responded.
was anyone paying attention?
did anyone care?

does anyone care?
does it matter?

it’s clunky
and
like everything else i feel about RFD
: unimportant.

but i keep waiting to get proven wrong

i’m always waiting for that
an old friend said that technique would never work
just make the change myself

where’s that switch?

a friend called me today
with some other guy on the phone that i’d met at a few faery gatherings
one of those guys i thought was super hot
but never did anything sexually with

whatever reason

but we were on a three-way call
identifying ourselves to eachother
and one thing led to another
talking about incredibly sexy, furry, butch F2Ms
when he mentioned this story

“i had sex with this guy who was a real-life hermaphrodite
one testicle and one ovary
a mirco-phallus
half-formed vagina, a simple fold for a labia
apparently he’d been married to a woman for 20 years and she didn’t know he was a hermaphrodite
in some parts of america they never look below the sheets…”

golly
people are so stupid

i mean
as a People
we’ve managed to have at least 2000 years of recorded history
(not to mention asian histories, which “we’re” only a fringe of at this point, though many of “us” fear that we’ll be swallowed by their story, which wouldn’t be horrific as far as i’m concerned)
where we’ve learned nearly nothing
oh sure
we have digital watches and computers and fancy cars
but we’re always lying to ourselves
and those we love
and seeing how many people we can fuck over
blah blah blah
you know the horror of western civilization

and most people i know just never learn
they’re hardly there
they don’t pay attention
it does not inspire Life in me

however
i occasionally meet people who Learn
which astounds me
i mean
i count myself as Stupid, just like the rest of US
i’ve always hated arrogant artist fucks who believe they’re somehow in the elite
yet i am impressed when i meet people who appear to have actually learned from their mistakes

maybe they just have more charm than i

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but aren’t We all?

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I took this photo a week ago

but yesterday I saw a little girl getting out of a car
put a little floppy dog on the sidewalk
and I wished I was a Tyranasaurus Rex
so I could sweep my great jaws down
and gulp all the little dogs of New York down as I rushed through the
city

but I was in a rush and scurried on to the subway

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So…
a few people have asked me what housewarming gifts they should get me
i didn’t realize this was part of the deal, i just want to have a party at my place
HOWEVER
i love the idea of gifts
so i’ll ask
and you can bring it if you have it to give:

the big red Allen Ginsberg book of collected poems
a small (hand held?) vacuum cleaner
a small nightstand or lamp table
extra house-plant pots of any size
extra full-size sheets (all natural fabric please, i usually sleep on 300+)
towels
a saw (for wood, not metal)
any interesting lamp…

i’ve already been given tons of clothes, so may be giving some away at the party
but anything beautiful and colorful (and made of natural fabric: including rayon) i would take

every once in a while
( like tonight )
I feel like defying socially acceptable behaviour

I want to stand in front of cars and make them wait
admonishing them for being so big and loud and noisy

I see all the fat men walking towards their wives
approaching the corner I’m crossing to
sitting on the steps as I walk by
I want to reach out and rub their bellies

I am not afraid of getting run over
or beaten up
but of letting myself get away with any whim or compulsion

being crazy is not caring anymore

I care!
I care!