sitting in front of the fire, just finished uploading four posts i’ve written over the last few days, finishing today
and more photos in my flickr site HERE
some of the posts i back-dated
have a look if you’re up for reading
hope you’ve all had a great weekend.
Last Night: dinner
we’ve been eating all day every day
last night we had two pans of lasagna made by my aunt Chris
a big platter of italian sausages: spicy and sweet
roasted green peppers and onions
mashed potatoes
salad
gravy
red wine
i snapped a picture of the table just after i finished writing about “into the wild”
exhausted: we all ate
then had a gift exchange
i ended up with my father’s contribution:
a carpet knife, level/square, duct tape, epoxy, gorilla glue and WD-40 pen.
my mother took my present: knowing full well what it was: an hour massage
even though i told her already i was going to give her one
so i was very angry at her for taking it (i didn’t know the gift i chose was my father’s, my mother knew the one she chose was mine… and my father’s gift was the third one i’d picked: they kept getting stolen from me)
— i’ve massaged my mother for years… why would she take it?
the whole reason i put it in the exchange was to have a new experience with a different member of my family.
grumble:
i’ve always been ungrateful at christmas.
my mother gave the massage to my cousin Laura
i went up and gave her and hour shoulder/arms/hands/feet session
it was great
then the other girls were playing cards: BS
so i learned how to play
poured myself another Campari
and sat to drink with them
we took a break and watched a bit of Rounders
the TV always on (while we were playing BS they were watching some terribly tedious fishing show)
then we played ASSHOLE until everyone was fairly drunk
they all went to bed at 4 something
my cousin Ricki and i stayed up talking
— most of her friends are gay
she doesn’t have a regular job
no driving license
loves talented interesting people
a great freaky girl
who’s also very compassionate and intelligent
i hope she’ll come visit me in NYC
we went to bed at about 5:30
i fell asleep after 6:
i had to put my headphones on
listened to some quiet ending tracks of Arts&Crafts artists
as the snoring from my uncle was too loud
this morning when i woke
i thought about all the faerie gatherings i’ve been to… the billy gatherings
and how they were just like this
Family
except we could all be naked
and fuck in front of eachother
and talk about completely crazy shit
we had a bit more fun
touched eachother more
and things were a bit brighter. . .
what am i doing here with my Family?
i started twirling my balls
waking up (after talking with my new cousin-in-law this morning about my travels)
watching my mother massage my uncle
i offered to chip in
and my mother massaged him
and my favourite aunt-in-law
— it’s fun to massage with my mom.
i laid out my cheese platter for them
they were all interested
nibbled and picked
as there was also a velveeta chicken hot sauce dip and wheat-thins
chili . . . and an organic minestrone
plus i warmed up some lard-bread
we ate til we were sick and tired, again
everybody packed up to go
the rest, waiting
began to watch “Knocked up” on TV
some of us went for a walk.
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Staying up real late
Drinking a lot
Playing ASSHOLE
With one’s cousins
Is NOT pretty
Kinds nice though
i’m glad i went snow shoeing yesterday…
didn’t find what i was looking for
but had a great walk
took some nice pictures
got a sweat going.
today when i woke
the snow was half gone
temperatures reaching somewhere in the 40ºs
i mostly lolled about the house
playing on the computer for a while
after a menial yoga
a day of slushiness
rain pouring down outside
my sister, aunt and cousin went for a walk in the forest
only three pairs of snow shoes. . .
i started talking with another aunt
my mother…
the Men all wanted to go out to Luddington
but one fell, broke his glasses, injured his elbow
and they were hungry
i felt a strange schism
while looking at everyone
wondering how i fit in
all the men
big and brawny
— how i desire them, some honesty, some mark of manhood
yes, these deer heads, these hunter-caps
this somehow is a sign of the Real American Male
how do i fit in with them?
maybe i fit in better with the women
yes
since the whole family has arrived
it is only the women i have been hanging out with
and after the men left
after the girls got back from hiking in the snow
my aunt, wife of my god-father, asked me to listen to a CD on chakra chanting
and asked me to explain a bit
my mother used her tuning forks and cleared our chakras
i sat us down and set up a few rounds of chakra-chanting
it was a nice experience
… then my mother wanted to watch
INTO THE WILD
i got the DVD from netflix just before i left NYC
my father had told me about some movie he’d seen called
“alone in the wilderness”
so i got it to show it to him…
my mother had read the book a year ago
and i came down a few minutes into it
after copying the chakra pages for my own use
sitting through the movie
i cried many times
the dynamic meanings of the events far more poignant
sitting amongst the family i had been spurning for over a decade…
i’m so glad i learned the lesson:
“HAPPINESS ONLY REAL WHEN SHARED”
before i died
i’m so glad i’ve learned the importance of family and community
though i have not yet learned how to be a part of it
at least i’ve know my work. . .
for all you hipsters in NYC who collect trucker caps or deer heads: this posts for you
(it’s not so cute when you come from this culture)
So. Twelve years ago my dad bought a cabin in the woods of Michigan ( for those of you who know, it’s about the second knuckle on the ring finger )
it’s been a Tradition for the family to meet here for Christmas…
i’ve been up here… but not for christmas in over ten years.
my dad made friends with a taxidermist when he first started spending time up here
— i counted about 43 dead animals today while i was photographing them….
click on either of these pictures to see more.
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the night we arrived up here
dad parked the car
then immediately got on a phone call
while my sister and mother and i unpacked the car into the cabin
they were both seething in frustration that he wasn’t helping us
when he got off the phone
he started shoveling the front porch area….
even though it was obvious he’d paid someone to do that before we arrived
he was somehow futzing with the details
while we finished unloading the car
that’s fine
he’d just driven up from indiana, then from detroit
that’s alright
he could have just said “give me a rest, would you please unpack he car”
we might have been pissy, but not in passive aggressive ways…
who was it?
some one was just telling me that Men always feel like they need to be in control
and so many Wives have learned that if they take their own personal power
the men get all threatened and freak out
so the women, when they want something done, have to act passive aggressively
so the men get to say “See what i did for you, Honey? what a great idea i had!”
and she gets to seethe silently… even though she got what she wants.
a million ways
cowardice or just being polite
mother fucker..
i turned on the wi-fi on my phone and saw the network
but it was locked
i asked dad what the password was
and he said “there isn’t one”
i tried it without a password, it didn’t work
i said “there is: it’s asking me for one, what is it?”
he said “there isn’t: i’m sure: there isn’t one”
so, Ok.
he went off to play with the snow blower
didn’t ask for help
just walked off while we arrived into the house
— i called my brother and he told me where i could find the password
it was a long hex key
and seeing that my father figured there wasn’t a password
i just went into the router and turned the WEP off: why would we need it in the middle of the forest?
and i’m sure, once the other relatives arrived, they would have laptops too
why bother with all these silly passwords?
i just turned it off.
mom warmed up some soup
or something
we were sitting around eating
dad came in and opened his laptop
not speaking to us
i was fiddling with my iPhone
he said “you got it to work, yeah?”
i kinda laughed and said “yeah: no problem”
he grumbled and said ” now i can’t get on line… ”
i told him to just re-select the network and it would be fine
silence for a bit
i could see he was having trouble
so i told him what i did and why…
before i could tell him he just needed to turn off his wi-fi and turn it back on
he exploded at me:
screaming at me about how i fucked it up and how it all worked fine and i broke it
i explained i did it because he thought there wasn’t a password anyway, so i figured he wanted it like that and it would. . .
he said he didn’t want to hear it and i reminded him he was barking
he exploded louder
i reminded him i was right there
and started mocking him
that he obviously didn’t care enough to pay attention to what i was saying, so why was he talking to me?
and that if he would be quiet and listen to me i would explain why he didn’t need to be angry
but he was upset i had fiddled with his network without asking
— fair: i should have asked
but him exploding and screaming at me would not make the situation any better
my mother came up and screamed at him for screaming at me
i told her to get out of it: don’t take it on it’s not yours
my father told me to get out of here and leave
he called me selfish
i told him i learned it from my daddy
he screamed at my mother, telling her to tell me to stop bothering him
he was screaming at the top of his lungs
“i just want some peace!”
my sister and mother were at the point of tears and i told them to get out of it: it’s not for them
they stormed off downstairs
i sat quietly while he fiddled with his computer trying to get it to work
he yelled at me a few more times
so i went downstairs
and told my Women-folk that he’s like a dog:
if you let him get away with that shit
he’ll just continue to do so
and it makes me feel so terrible
that i just won’t let him get away with it
— they bitched about him for a while
— they live with him, it’s understandable
he came down and yelled at me a few more times
we flipped through the TV channels (after i figured out how to use the DVD player, but he didn’t want us using it without him so we wouldn’t “mess it up” — control freak )
we watched the last hour or so of “Christmas Vacation”
which my sister had been searching for the DVD before we left the house: here it was on TV
eventually my dad got on line
and chilled out
and didn’t talk about it
but came down stairs and watched the next movie with us:
Meet the Parents
i hate TV
movies are alright
but i mostly hate comedies too.
we went to sleep in a cloud that night
and the next day there was a lot of silence
but i did my best to push through it
… my sister felt he was most angry at her..
and, of course: he needs someone on his side and no one seems to be fulfilling that role with any fidelity.
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We just got to "the cabin"
My father’s "hunting lodge"
There’s a lot of snow up here
At least three feet of pack…
And over 40 taxidermied animals (more reporting on that later)
childhood memories i have forgotten:
my mother can’t swim
my father is color blind (and left handed, but i always think of that)
my mother got him a sweater: rust and musty green
“what color is this?”
apparently
i alway wore many layers of clothes
— i don’t remember this
but in the last few weeks
as new york has got cold
i have been putting on layers and layers…
the day before i left:
two pairs of pants
six layers on top
when i arrived
they all told a story, laughing
of when we were at Red Lobsters
some waitress poured the pitcher of ice water on me
(it was my birthday: i loved PopCorn Shrimp)
i just stood up
and took off my outer layer of clothing:
everyone stared in amazement
something about something
my mother left her medication at home
for her hypo-thyroid issue
i said she could do shoulder stands to increase her thyroid activity
– – –
something something
and mentioned how we’d always do head-stands with my mother
what?
my mother taught us how to do head stands
we’d do head stands all the time with my mother
she’d do head stands when she got head-aches
she even did headstands when she was pregnant with my sister
head stands
i love them
yoga
when i first learned it
i did them all the time
and have been doing them a lot lately. . .
childhood
i got it from childhood.
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