Talking with Leo

i was talking with leo last night
after soaking in salt water for over an hour
feeling like i was dead
a big cold stiff dead corpse

these things happen sometimes
Leo called me as i was near finished
on the phone with him
i put my house to sleep
and crawled into bed
chatting with Leo until his cord-less phone’s battery died
and my iPhone battery nearly died

Enough.

we’re still dear friends
we love our conversations
once a week
or every other
or a few times…
we almost always talk for an hour

Also, he almost always gets me into some explanation of my life
where i describe things i’ve been aware of that i’ve been very unhappy with
come to some unsatisfactory conclusion of. . .
he listens
and often says
“but hearing you say this makes me proud of you
because you are Aware of your life
and in that
you are growing
you are much better than most
who aren’t aware
and just continue blindly through their lives, no matter how miserable they become”

i suppose i’m always just on the surface
able to breathe and swim and see the sights and beauty
but still a good deal of my body swimming through the misery.

last night we were talking about my “break up” with a recent friend
i’d known this guy for just over a year
and i told him over and over and over that i didn’t want a boy friend
but it just kept falling into that
easy: something about him and something about me just clicked
i got to be his dad, his idol, and some of the people that had hurt him in the past
he got to be my mother and… me as a kid.

as the relationship developed
i was able to see these relationships coming up clearly
within a few months
i already had him pegged as my mother
and within a month of that
i saw myself acting as my father did towards me

i desperately tried to re-direct the energy
i asked him to do the work, of course
“don’t try to please me: it will only give me reason to be disappointed in you”
i tried warning him
“when i act like this just LEAVE… i can’t stop myself and don’t want to do it”
but he sat there and allowed himself to be hammered upon

even in the stories i told Leo about my recent trip home
it became apparent that my friend acts how i do towards my father even now
when my father kept blowing up at me
i would remain calm and silently mock him
my friend never mocked me (he’s not so cruel)
but he would just let me explode and not really respond
this drove me crazy because i THOUGHT i was being an asshole and causing him so much pain
AND i felt like he wasn’t listening to me or taking anything i said seriously

it was a lose/lose situation as far as i could see
so after trying to months to change my actions and not being able to
i had to cut it off

i have a lot more peace since then
and time and space to be able to see OTHER things i am dissatisfied with in my actions
but without the confusing projection and blaming i was doing before

i wanted to hear “Rebel Rebel” by bowie (i think it was in my dreams)

i got to hear it
and

“Rebel Girl” – Hazel Dickens
“Aging Young Rebel” – Ken Nordine
“Rebel in You” – Supergrass
“High on Rebellion” – Patti Smith (twice)
“The Rebel – Johnny Yuma” – Johnny Cash
“05 High on Rebellion” (again)
“Rebellion (Lies)” – Arcade Fire (three times)
“Rebel Yell” – Billy Idol

and then i stopped it.

i never cared when i lived there
but i imagine
that as i get older and older
i’ll wish more and more
that i had been James Dean.

went to sleep at 7am
woke sometime after 2
and couldn’t manage to put the pieces of myself in the right order to accomplish anything

for a year now
i’ve been telling myself
i just need some rest

it’s all this socializing! it wears me out!

i tell myself . . .

i had dinner with a friend of mine tonight
visiting from amsterdam
— i am late to meet him EVERY time i meet him
— this is not something i plan, but can’t seem to avoid
tonight he said he would never make an appointment with me again

i didn’t mention that he’d stood me up Twice two weeks ago

as artists
we cannot hold it against our artist friends
if they do not want to come see our art

we must remember
we are really more entertained by ourselves than by anything else

we
yet he tells me about this show at the MoMa i really must go see

i accepted a client tonight
even though i said i wasn’t going to do any last day / first day of the year
but having done nothing with myself all day
i took him

i’d seen him before
months ago
entirely forgot who he was
his voice incredibly slow and mellow

it wasn’t until i saw him at the door that i remembered him:
his hairy muscular chest more than his face
but there he was, Yes: Hello.

he took a few puffs off a joint before we hit the bed
and only let me massage him a few moments before we were wrapt in 69
then sprawled on our backs
him saying “i really needed to release that energy”

i’m constantly amazed that people often think of their sexual energy like a waste product
as my father says about shitting “i need to take a dump”
as the boys post on craigslist “i am a cum dump” or “just looking for a pump-n-dump”

but if you’re reading this
you may have read the posting i did a year or so ago about me being an energetic garbage man

the silly thing is
everything you feed the swine is pearls
they just don’t care.

someone has to

back to massaging him
he tells me
“i really need to get my mind back to where yours is
i’ve got too much fear
you know, all thise disease
yeah, AIDS and all the other STDs… and Crabs! they’re so annoying”

we’re both very hairy

i try and continue offering a different perspective
theoretically, and in practice

he explains that he’s a psychotherapist
so i realize anything i say is just fodder for him to continue with his monologue

“i suppose i shouldn’t be afraid
i only got fucked once, and it wasn’t by choice
everything i do is safe
.. well, the riskiest thing i do is 69ing
which, i suppose. . .
but…
i never floss before sex.”

.flickr-photo { }.flickr-yourcomment { }

Full day at the house
Woke at 7:30
Did some yoga
And my sister took me to the dentist to have my teeth cleaned fir the first time in 12 years;
This is the last dentist I saw…

I have some cavities
And useless wisdom teeth that should be removed

I was amazed to learn that plaque firm tartar like barnacles:
Leaching the calcium from the saliva and making stone out of it around the base of the teeth…

Ahhh
Two hours in the dentist’s chair!
Then back to the house
Where my mother made bacon and eggs (fresh picked from her hens last night)
Finished the local yogurt
And headed upstairs to help my dad with computer stuff for an hour
Then massage my mom for nearly two
Give my sister some music files (“freaky folk”)
Then off to the airport

I convinced them not to park: just drop me off
I was scheduled to depart at 6:20
And had scarcely an hour

Kisses kisses and tears from my mom…

When I went to check in
The computer told me my flight had departed already…
A man looked it up on the computer and said there was no such flight
It had been rescheduled and was meant to have departed at 4:55
… But ended up being delayed until 7:20…
lucky for me, I guess
What the fuck is up with the airlines?

In security
A huge goon with a thick accent ate me up
Shoving me into a new detection device called Elroy
Using two magntes or something to image my entire body

This goon’s name tag said “Farnsley”
I asked him how he got such a British name in Indiana…
He ignored me
Looked British
Sounded hoosier

I sat and waited another hour ascrge sun set
Lights kept turning on and off

Now in the plane
Tiny new ones
“labrea”

Waiting to fly. . .

Sent from an iPhone

From: Dima Dubson
Date: Tue, Dec 30, 2008 at 1:25 PM
Subject: I made Trouble and now you can see it

Friends,

here’s a brand new music video I made for the song Trouble by Disco Pusher.

(click on “watch in high quality” underneath the player window)

It has an all-star cast of Camilla Deterre, Bobby Rich, Divya Jagasia, Oleg
Dubson, Lucid Olason, François Leloup-Collet, Sisko, Jean Barberis, Diana
Zwetzich, David Abitbol, Liane Zwetzich, Dominic Vine, Tarynn Wiehahn, Liam
McMullan, Kyle Tregurtha, Clara Kennedy and Joan Crawford.

In addition to beautiful people, the video features candles, chess, cello,
dancing, flowers, sex, and a healthy mix of oatmeal and apple sauce. Well
ok, maybe there’s no sex but I hope you enjoy it nonetheless.

Happy New Year to all of you!

xo
Dima

growing up in indiana
i shared many things with my mother

asthma
hating my father
feeling trapped
deep pains that couldn’t be expressed

and dry hands in the winter

many of these things i’ve left behind
— we’re all working on it
doing the best we can, really

many of these things i’ve forgotten. . .

this trip has reminded me of many things
and this is the first time i’ve been HERE (indiana) in 10 years for a Winter time period. . .
i’ve only been here a week
and in that time
the backs of my hands became red, rough
last night
i felt a tear
and my knuckle was bleeding
seeping through the deep dry cracks of my hand

i’m so happy i don’t have to be here any more.

and yeah
i meant to write that last entry two hours ago
but i had to get lost on silverdaddies and blow my load
so much for a week
i tried to share it with the flesh
but what can we do?

anyway
then i wrote that. . .

then i sent to my SD profile and added this:

was just in indiana for a week
gave my dad a massage again
again: he grabbed my hand
but did it in a public room
still felt a strong energy through him. . .

and a few days before, we were alone in a deer blind in the woods
and it felt like it does when i’m with any other man who wants to have sex with me but doesn’t know how to broach the subject
… just with way too much context

it makes my heart heavy
such a lonely man
– i don’t want to be such a lonely man
yet when i see such lonely men (on here or in real time)
i always want to reach out to them, through them
some how together with them
let them know they are loved and not alone

but i can’t be someone’s life-line
i’m working on being my own

… i wish i lived in a place of a thousand men
all sleeping in a big pile with eachother
cooking for eachother
massaging eachother
fucking eachother like mad
collapsed in happy piles

or just one man
who made love like poetry
like ritual
dynamic, engaged, empowered

i’m obviously not ready for either
or i’d have both

love ya all,
these are my wishes for the New Year.

Taking [Pictures] People

one of the things that was very poignant about this week
is how we never touch

it became most noticeable the few times i posted for pictures
we don’t touch.
my family.
none of us touch.

it’s why my mom and i have become body workers, i’m sure
a context for touching
it’s why my father grabs my hand every time i give him a massage (he did again tonight: held it)

when we go to take a picture
we all stand very close to eachother for the picture
then notice how WRONG it feels to be so close and NOT TOUCHING
so we all put our arms around eachother and stand there with [false] smiles

maybe the girls touch more…
one of my aunts (ukranian, in-law) freaked out when she got my mom’s gift for the exchange:
a half hour massage
she says she hates being touched, can’t stand it
yet whenever she’s drunk
she paws me all over

still: even touching is very different than BEING touched.

it’s so terribly dissapointing to me
i just wish i could lay around touching people all the time
people i love
i wish i were in a nest or something
grrrr

lyric shit

Dogs are Everywhere. . .

my sister currently has five dogs
two just died off this passing year
she got another back that she’d given away because the owner couldn’t take care of it

they fart
they knock over things
they constantly want attention

she says all you have to do is talk to them
but it only barely works when she does it
and has no affect when i do it

my mother talks to her cats and chickens all the time
but this whole talking to animals thing. . .

so all week i’ve been knocking her dogs out of the way
pushing them around
not to hurt them: i don’t like hurting animals
but just using body language

we get home
and i remember why i kinda hate dogs
out in the barn
where their kennels are
they all run in circles
jump around like manics
and bark so loud my ears are aching and my head is pounding

she can’t let them all out at the same time or the males will kill eachother
and they’ll kill other animals: like the chickens or cats
and i suggest giving one to my friend in TN
— he’d probably kill his goats.

fucking dogs

i remember coming to the conclusion with one friend
that dogs are like 2 year olds… but they never grow out of it
and they die after a decade or so

how is that worth it?
supreme infantile beings that age super-fast with no reward but constant needy love?
eeewwwwwww, icky.

two of her dogs will probably be dead in the next year or so
old and withered they already are
and the puppies are all full grown now and freaking out full force
— she’ll have a new litter next year.

on other notes
listening to David Sedaris in the car on the way down with my parents
the last hour
after finishing the incredibly long “Call of the Canyon” by Zane Grey
and a short hour piece by Niel Gaiman
all cool
but David Sedaris is so crazy
my parents laughed in the first few minutes
but the rest of the ride was kinda shocked silence from everyone but me
i kept bursting out laughing at things
but also felt their discomfort

yet when i asked them if they wanted me to turn it off
no one said anything

no response from my dad
(too close to home?)

i thought of how David must somehow have the ability to forever be a 5 year old
his voice sounds a bit like a child
and he’s SO good at being there
remembering it
and re-creating it

he has his time-travel down
aging while staying a kid.

and then i was also thinking about sex:
i masturbated the first night i left NY
but haven’t since
have hardly had an erection
and thought pretty little about sex

i like this
i’m obviously writing more
but i’m getting really itchy to jump back into the flesh pool

all my nights and days are pretty booked when i get back
clients and fuck buds

PHEW

Drving down into Grand Rapids
I’ve only been here twice as an adult

The roads I drove on
So close
But I didn’t know…

My maternal grandmother died when I was 13
I’ve not been here with my family since then

And the house she lived in isn’t the same…
The sidewalk is
I recognize the trees
Though they’re bigger
The side door on the neighbor’s house
Where we played with Jamie
After his dad left his mother
The other house used to be blue
It’s all vinyl siding now
Ugly
Lifeless

I take a few steps in each direction
Getting a feel for myself…

Where am I?
Who I used to be..,

All these people dead now
My grandmother
Her sister
Her mother—
My mom tells a story of getting to go into her mother’s mother’s house a few years ago:
A friend of her favourite cousin happened to buy it
A gay guy even..

Her eyes fill up with water as she gets lost in reverie…

I feel a great sadness as well
Akin to what I’ve felt all week…

Not the sadness of all these people dead
But
All the chances to love we’ve missed