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(and a tiredy sinusy photo of me)

oh, I got my wisdom and perception
but more oft than not
I feel utterly flabbergasted by most of life
a few days ago
I was talking with a friend i had always liked for his intelligence
(and taste)
we were talking about a band we both used to like
how the first album was near perfection
and the rest were such trash
he said something like
" I think their market was non-English speaking european countries
because all their songs after that used all the same words from the
first record, but just reorganized so they had no meaning… which no
one would ever notice"

also in all my confusion and awe about the god we all worship
endlessly now
the god I should have known
it was clear as a mediteranean sky to him
how’d I miss that?

again
I was antagonistic with family today
I don’t want to push everybody away
no
interraction is my nourishment
but fear of future lonliness is just not enough to motivate me out of
being an unending asshole
how do I?

my understanding of celibacy comes from a Russian Othodox Monk I once
met
who told me he was so grateful
because it gave him the ability to relate to people on entirely
different levels
where before
he just wanted sex with everyone

for me
it’s just about removing that component
that option
that solution

so No
no masturbation
no sex
and even no sexualizing people

challenging, yes
but I want to not only test my will
but wonder at what will happen to me with all that extra energy

even tonight
I didn’t want to just waste time
I wanted to write

and?

and I notice I have some resentment, certainly a weariness
about being so sexual as a duty
from when I first noticed I was being used as a vessel for Pan for
parties
to my current obligation to cast my pearls before swine
and serve the unappreciative and unrecipricals

I want some time to reset
but I certainly don’t want to be asexual for long

I imagine I’ll settle into a few F-buddies
or find one amazing person I can have fascinating sex magic with and
focus on that

don’t know
not the point

the point is
every day
of difference

.iP

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Change! Become!

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I came home to visit my mother for her birthday
see the family
and one of my cousins
before she sets out for a two year stint in the peace core

my grammar isn’t well
and neither is my presentation
I got here
and got sick
sinus infection
which I had much of the time I lived here as a youth
moved down into my chest now
as I drink yoghurt and chocolate milk from our new organic creamery
…new to our town

I’m trying to show love
share in love
be here

but I also talk about my inability to love
where I need to learn
hope to god I can change
am I misunderstood
or a bad case of longorreah?
chronic asshole who needs some immodium?
I never took none
and my mind is a monster
I know
in the silence
I look at people and make judgements
in the silence
I think of old wounds I can bring up
and try my hardest to hold them back
but they find their way out anyway
like Anteros, not Thanatos, killing the live around us
finding a way to dampen spirits
tarnish even the cuteness of bunny rabbits

I do my best to recant
cover my scat
make my blessing
indeed
I say smart things
(stuck up prick)
and wise things
and maybe I’m sitting around the fire at night alone now
just because I’m the last man standing
but I have so much to learn about Being Together
learnings that can only be done through actions

I’m making my attempts
today is the first Full Day of a month of celibacy
but I’m still checking messages
taking pictures of bikers
and wondering if he’s trying to get me alone so we can…

I want that to cool, chill

a part of myself I’m full of
and well experienced in
I can let it go for a while
time to do something else for a while
some other alchemical process can be used to attempt my gold, the stone

some other method of loving
and exploring of life
some other form of nourishment

if only I could abstain from talking as well
from eating and drinking
but no
living must be done
round a full
joys and sorrows
but live myself
and fight myself
and make my prayers myself

but now
it’s late
jupiter is high
the night is cold
and the fire needs to be quenched so we can sleep

glad they saved some rain water
for these last few weeks have been dry

.iP

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i was told about a gay nudist campground south of Indy
looked it up on my phone
and drove here

lots of campers, tents, RVs
no people

I walked around a while
a stranger called me
found bunches of ripe Elderberries
decided to kick off my shoes
go down to the lake
walk off the dock
and take the little metal boat over to the sunshine
where I will read my book a while
before continuing south to Bloomington

(17:19, Wednesday the 16th of September, 2009)

go outside
beyond all structure
creation

knowing your own saturnine key
stone
code

come back
re-knitting all
all

practice
practice
perform

maintain the thread

.iP

I had a thought yesterday
while the beautiful married man told me of being molested by three uncles as a child
raped by a neighbour
thought of how
back then
homosexuality was considered an illness
spiritual, mental, behavioural

sickness
like home sick?
like love sick?

unable to be where and when you are…
unable to survive on the ration reality is supplying

yes
malnourishment leads to sickness
abuse
rape
fetishizing
abstracting
disconnected compulsions
sick
yes.

a long time healing
this county is
these people

lost, starving, sick
unable to live up to the fear and pain
unwilling to face ourselves
know who we are
against a torrent of such fierce denial

mistaking charecters as our true selves
fighting for our lies and excuses

still
we’ve got a light sneeze
aren’t out of the woods yet

I know I’m still fucking hungry
and don’t know what to do

he said he was refreshed talking to someone so bright and clear
articulate

I’d talked about this
even after saying i’d stopped thinking of myself as a healer

then talking myself in circles around it
no way out of who we are
what we’re here for
our destiny
I know

thanks to all of you who are helping as you can

.iP

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Hm.

“So how about it?
Show me please how I will look in twenty years
And let me please,
Interpret history in every line and scar that’s painted
There in front of me.”

I loved this song
but did I understand it back then?
maybe I did
now I only care about this stanza

years ago
years ahead
and still…

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another excert from " Dæmonomania " by John Crowley…

yes
there is an afterlife
sure, of course
as many as those that are believed in
those that can be agreed upon
and those solitary fancies
endless, I’m sure
but only until they get decided upon to end

for everything there is an end
but for that which is eternal
which I assume will end eventually
but you didn’t hear me say that

meanwhile
there are mortal narratives
even supernatural ones who have their time
and just as much as many may re-incarnate into states of perfection:
evolving from a slug into a king
or from an emperor to a blade of grass
many just get stuck on spin cycle
fit for any part needed at the time
extras in someones epic drama
walk-on roles
happy to exist
happy to fade back into the ethers that issued them for our stories to have audiences and fodder for points of illustration

perhaps the fact that some really die
-no afterlife
-no lesson learnings for Next time
makes them a bit more precious for the ears and eyes of those who keep the memories alive and tell the tales
but for those who really let themselves die
it doesn’t matter what is or cannot be remembered of their experiences
just that it happened when it did
changes made
or trials failed
not important
no authorship anyway…
( but for those crazy prophets… are there still slots open for them? )

when we parted I had to listen to the enirety of “The Charm of the Highway Strip”

it didn’t make it any better
but it is instant comiseration

the devil will find work for idle hands to do

.iP