something I always find funny
how those things we did when we were younger
no matter how amazing
are now a thing of the past
and something to be grown away from

pronouncing everything fabulous
pronouncing everything boring
dining at cipriani’s
taking acid in a hotel bar
hanging with celebrities
fucking with the stars

some fantastic twist to get the emotions out of the way
or only living in our heads all the time

when we hear our peers
or perfect strangers
affecting our past glories with such fascination
we can only to be glad to be past it
no matter how many lines of coke are frosting our nostrils
or toilet papers stuck to our shoes
at least we’re not stuck at that Idea of A Good Time
today

we’re something else
only glancing over our shoulders
while striding bravely into the future
either playing our film soundtrack in our headphones
or only in our hearts

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fuckin beautiful.
from Engine Summer, by John Crowley

and I found it

http://rosenschale.blogspot.com/2006_10_01_archive.html

.iP

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with surprising perfect framing: most of my clothes are from other
people.
both of these shirts were left behind for me to find
"but the question is: how do you make love stay?"

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the message board at the corner has been stuck doing thus for days
like most electronics being ignored
it’s constantly flashing in spastic patterns

but the phrase it sticks on
clever
gives me the shivvers.

I’ve been having some intense emothions these last few months
my throat’s closed
I’ve been intensely afraid
and most of the stuff I’ve written I’ve kept private because I find it
embarrassing

why now?

I’m wrestling with dæmons

I’m fine with it
of course
happy to open up my emotional channels
all the things I kept at bay in survival mode while running from dæmons
they’re here now
caught up with me
we’re hanging out
gnawing bone

waiting to see who’ll make the first move
tgat gets carried through

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woke up incredibly drunk
came down to coney island to watch the polar bears
got some good pics…
i’m starting to hang-over now

what to do with the first day of the year?
I’m cozy in all these clothes
but I’d rather be cuddling someone
for now
I’ll lay on these rocks and watch the birds

everything must get brighter now
we’ve had our darkest moment

.iP

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Sun just moved into Capricorn
Looking forward to seeing you all in the brightening of the year…

meanwhile
we have all this lovely cold reflective stuff to maximize the little
sun we do get

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dramatic sunlight at the office

watched The Road followed by Mary & Max.
emotionally overwhelmed. I fill up so easily.
(empty out similarily)
I’ve always imagined myself small… a client today said I was bigger than my pictures make me look.

I slept with a friend last night
who must fly home soon
to serve as a witness in his sister’s divorce trial
“Yes, it’s true that their love is no longer valid. Yes it’s true he does not deserve her love anymore. Yes, it’s true she deserves to be free of this weight. Sorry love doesn’t always work out.”
My Mother and Father met this friend, his sister and that husband
my mother and friend and sister got on great
the two husbands only talked with eachother and were two peas in a pod…

I’d been talking with my friend about my trip to Ireland
and other family shit… er, interractions
and my desire to return to Ireland
I even sent out emails to someone there about renting a house…

so in sleep

I was living with Brother, Sister, Mother, Father
came home
Dad told us all he’d sold the house and we had to be out tomorrow

we found an apartment in London and packed up.. moved as a family
somehow
in the first day
my parents had a fight and my mom decided to have a divorce
so we found another apartment for her elsewhere
Sister and I moved in with mother
brother stayed with father
I remember coming home from Dinner that night and my brother lighting a cigarette on the tube
(the friend I slept with smokes like a…)
and a woman told my broth he had to put it out or get off
he got off at the next stop

back at my dad’s
I was packing the rest of my stuff
and found
in my Inventory (like a video game)
a bottle of Mood Poisoning
I wondered why I thought that important enough to bring with me
a little man moved around in the screen
a worker
I decided to keep the bottle
just in case it might come in handy

and my dad came into the room (didn’t look like my dad)
crying
started to say something:
we all gave him the hand

.iP

I wrote this this morning to someone inquiring advice about seasonal depression

and I’ve been feeling I need to return to witnessing my life more
here’s a start:

I saw your post this morning and thought I’d chime in my 2-cents:

I don’t think travelin to the tropics helps terribly
because the boost you get from the sunlight will wear off in about a week
and make you that much more axious for winter to be over in Your Real Life

I just had it pretty heavy for a month
and knowing is half the battle
when I realized what was going on I decided to shock myself out of the malaise

I made breakfast for a week with marijuana butter
I almost never engage that plant on my own
and it is mostly smoked
but eating it makes the experience slow, gentle and more body integrated

it was great so long as I didn’t have to go out be among crowds

my Chinese medicine pals says it releases stuck liver yang chi
(anger, frustration, pushing)
and allows more creativity to flow

I also moved my furniture around
which broke up the stuck energy in my apt and got me moving again

I’ve been maintaining by doing some yoga/pushups every day

things we’re very quiet during my month of SAD
since I actively broke it up
I’ve had appointsments Every Day
for two weeks now!

but I’m very tired

winter is a good time to Rest
give yourself the chance for sleeping, introspection and recovery:
hibernation

but if you’re feeling everything is a stagnant syrupy mess
move it around and see if it gets your life flowing again

the same magic doesn’t work for everybody

but you’ll know something that will open the locks

.iP