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Oh!
Fuck!
what a day!
Stories!
Passing out, fainting… triggered by the Vegas nerve? Ugh!
I didn’t remember the "dreams"
but woke to two nurses looking at me with concern

thread
cord
red
holding life here
together

one foot in
one foot out
shake shake shake

(over wrought, horrible! pretentious, too much! aaaaah!)

when I pass out
I go to another life
in another world?
on another plane?
another Dimension?
something more
other

somewhere I lost
but remember how real it felt

when I woke up here
looking at those two women
I instantly forgot where I had been

was embarrassed
after realizing I wasn’t sure where I was, what was happening, who I was

on Reality TV
know the schedule, the channel
and what role you’re playing

fuck

I rested on the highline
kicked off my espadrilles
opened my shirt
let the sun flow in
-my belly got hot
my marrow radiated…

on I went
worked
gave advice
tried to be a good brother
napped on the couch while he cut hair
went to see a Show
no
so to another
The Tree of Life
which tried so hard and made me impatient
whatever

what I loved
though
was remembering how Dinosaur bodies were the perfect body to play on this earth
back then…

all the green we could eat!
sun, water…
that was good…

what a horribly pretentious nostalgic farce!
but I remember talking with someone
about Nostalgia
crying for the past
last generation
last generation
a period
before before before

who said Dinosaurs?

"but who dies for the dinosaurs?"

"right?"

"oh, children do. boys at least. every boy cries for the dinosaurs… they…"

they remember when they first came to this planet

"that’s where god lives"

up in the sky?

but now he lives INSIDE of everything
I thought
iPhones
all these devices
in there
in electricity

the trillion fragments of God
God’s Homes
my hands…

argh!

worked up to a froth
low on blood

this moon
of course…
so heavy
the eclipse…

make a wish, darling
I’m in a state, muñeca

pulled back to some other life I imagine more real
other
the suit of presence
God’s (fucking) magic wand

I’m
in
a state

(number thirteen)

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fuck you, sucker
I hold my own hand

there are an infinite number of superficial aspects to fixate on

–“I pulse in order to enchant
realizing receptivity.”

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tickles

I

I’m trying hard for reality
searching deep for presence

I’m real, I’m present
but there is a more-full way of being
I’ve felt it
it feels different

spherical
(I say..)

multi-dimensional

if I could move like that
the Reality
putting on the suit
scepter
crown
cloak

stepping in to

when I practice
I often have revelations
of the sort I only ever got on acid
or orgasm
the occasional meditation

I feel deep inside myself

have you ever been with a baby
fully opened yourself to receiving and reflecting its experience?

baby-super-molecule
(we called it)

we were all once fully alive
dying starts quite young

…when my brother would sit his bulk on me and tickle me
I learned how to pack the feeling away
not being affected by it
"it’s just a feeling, why lose control to it?"
numb and still

but now
in this practice
I feel the presence of myself
and them
us together
shared
in/with each other
and it tickles me

I love it
that giddy feeling
out of control I smile and twitch and buck
grinning and giggling

this is really good
and
perhaps
it is the key and door
back into Life

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I’ve been staring at the moon

just watched a movie called "Beginners"
after getting an astrology reading
telling me my life will most likely be what it’s been from now to twice its time
more sagas of travel
adventure
struggle and help

no clear one-love/one-career

restless soul
a late bloomer gifted with impatience

offers of porn
and endless mysticism
"either a monk or a hedonist"
after saying I had the chart of a monk
and discussing how I don’t feel I can worship anything honestly
and how many lives I’ve been a monk
but the teacher appears when the student is ready
and I just gotta wait
keep living
everything will be different next year
but no peace for a long while yet

I want to make a shirt that says
" Ascetic Hedonist " on the front
and the reverse on the back

I had to doctor this image to tone down my sweet tooth
but the rest I took later in the day
after all these experiences
and the weight is on me now

I spoke with a friend and strangled on my emotions
I watched the sky this dusk
and wanted to jump in

iyam wat iyam
there are far worse fates

I’m in transformation
yes, station-to-station
just to do the work
to carve the block
and set him free

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there are days out of time
no system is perfect

time is a suggestion anyway
a theory of how to apply quantity to eternity
how to apply meaning to breaths
heartbeats
blinks
the moments between dreamings

the gears click between systems imperfectly
here
is a missing tooth
not exactly
but a representation of

now
when it suits me

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sugar coma
cup cake today
cup cake yesterday

my mind feels cloudy
far away

I’m upstate
up in the woods
to slow down the time

so the story goes

I want to write about people
clothes
ideas and relationships
but I’m too sleepy in the fog

what?
we played cribbage last night
my oil
and cider
and beers
I was so tired
I slept in this morning
back to sleep

my dreams were disturbing

but didn’t involve police
which is s nice change
it seems the last few nights had…
we got stopped by a cop last night
but absolutely nothing came of it

today we went into down town Livingston Manor
to see the trout parade

of course
visiting small town America can be beautiful and quaint
nothing like the oppressive feeling of living there

I liked all the big dogs
and puppets

as I said
when I’m in small towns like this
I feel compelled to spend something
give a dollar any way I can
another hand-decorated belt
a "s’mores" cupcake
chocolate chip cookie (mmmmmmbutter)

and I’m loving seeing all the lush green
(in the last days before the fraking turns it all into a barren burning wasteland)

mmmm
going to nap

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subject to humidity
thinking of fire spirits
my logic is scattered
or I’m thinking spherically instead of linearly

I miss the moon

I feel I need some time away
a little quiet

I’m in a car heading back to the Delaware river
further south than last week

I’m longing to feel water rushing over my skin

when he died
he wore his wedding ring
twice

I’ve never had a dead friend

dear friends
dead to me?
surprised if I ever hear life from them

but not friends
current and loving
leaving the body
to walk in ghost with me
to show up at my side
in times of need
in the darkness
in dreaming

–“I pulse in order to enchant
realizing receptivity.”

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gifts
I like them

look
I’m smiling

this hat
too

I have on my pearls
and then there’s dinner

across
we’re together for a moment

stymied
in attention

days days days
the heat keeps us from sleeping

though my imagination is fuzzy
my emotional response is clearer

and I see the city playing
many floors into the future

we’re on time with the rain
enough money and time

patience and presence
listening

enough for my needs
tonight I’ll rest in my own

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again
it’s nearly three
I wish to be sleeping five hours ago
(I gotta learn)

what to say of today?
another gift
lunch with a friend
the walking
the sweating
the working on bodies
how I love touching bodies

in extreme today

after work on the roof
the E.S.Building purple and blue
the moon orange

I’m surprised at how much hair I’ve grown in a week

I’ll give myself 33 days of growth and see how it looks
but will have to trim it then…

I imagined myself yesterday
or this morning
with a wide-brimmed straw hat
then he gave me one

grasping at the feeling of gratitude and joy…

but I find I haven’t lost those
they are now just weighted with those of sorrow and judgement

but it’s all still there

nothing to complain about

.d

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it takes more muscles to frown than smile

but really
I’ve been grateful
very

today I woke
feeling pretty good in my body
with the compulsion to do some excersize and concentration
a beautiful morning walk through the village where people were nice and flirty
or white
and more like me than in my neighborhood

I met Gerald
we(mostly me) had a bowl of granola and fruit
then up the A to the B to 81st
across the park
pulled anyway to Ben’s

saying Fathers are just humans
perfect targets for compassion and forgiveness and love

impossible to ever pay them back for the damage they’ve done
or the sacrifices they made
the blessings they bestowed

impossible

I refused to take part in his war against fathers

he felt sad to me
I felt i said what I could
but that I was ineffectual
or out of place

we left as he was beginning more picketing

but went to the Met
saw the Alexander McQueen show
oh
Yeah…
the beads and balsa wood
the masks and facial plates
horse hair

(I’m passing out
like during last night’s writing
— stalling out in the middle of words)

(and then I was gone. blinked out in the blackness. woke slowly in stutters into this humid morning… locked still in this trecal feeling. eyes worn out… can I recount… can I carry on in all my imperfection?)

listened to "Sorry For The Delay" by Grizzly Bear this morning,
face timed with Denny
spent some time hanging on sexual energy to pull myself out of my Malaise…

here it is
midday
and I’m just getting back to work
if "work" can be wrapped around recapitulation
if self-awareness can be called Work
the work I do…

Yesterday, the night before
for days since my 300 "happy birthday"s
I was soaring in a blissful mania
more important for the sense of live and gratitude I felt
and yesterday’s walk with Gerald continued that
Manic: with Kevin Barnes manic chirpings escaping my lips
"Unicorns eating baby meat
-here’s a dragon rape if you want one.
…soak us in animal blood"
all sounding like the best night at the disco
with bi-polar schizophrenic paranoias
love song
fits perfect for me in NYC
"Ternage Unicorn Fisting"
"Don’t treat me like a tourist"

but somewhere in acting class
after walking with blistering feet in agony
I was a bad improved with a bad partner
and felt the heat of shame and failure rise and cover me

I wanted to escape and evaporate
I felt like I was on messy dulling drugs
– I’d had nothing but mint lemonade and Labnae

I met with Ian at Tony’s
we were both bleary eyed and distracted
I was depressed from class
or ben
or Alexander
or not being able to connect
I wanted to smoke and drink and obliterate myself
he gave me Nux Vomica
and I headed off to The Ranch: Jorge’s
where I tried not to be in a foul mood
had fun
happy to see them all
a week’s birthday dinner
excellent Piñon
and we rattled
here is part of a recording of it

www.dominicvine.net/recordings/ranchrattling.m4a

but then I flipped into my clear decisive description as to why we weren’t doing our road trip
which was sad and frustrating
but I think I was able to stay present through most
but I was sad and exhausted
and decided to leave
already past midnight
I called Leo on the walk to the train
and talked with him long enough to walk all the way back to Tony’s
–perhaps why I passed out before finishing my writing

but I was sad, still
still feeling the gratitude
but not blissed or excited
sad
talking about how my time with Leo made me feel like a superficial child

I could tell a story any way
any perspective
any spun
so why get mired in this sadness?
is it fun?
of course he did what he always does
telling me it’s great I’m aware of these things
it’s how I’ll grow
oh, but to know my flaws… is it really helping?
of course: I’m grateful
and he said he’ll still be telling me it’s good I’m aware of my flaws long after he’s dead

well
I’m grateful and tired and trying hard
but I’m glad
and thankful
so
Thanks.