maybe there it’s early
maybe you’re awake
had your first mug of coffee
(only a splash of scotch)
i’ve not gone to sleep yet
and decided i should dial-up
just to read the lyrics to a song i once loved
“only not
to be of use
— impossible”
i just finished watching “Some Like it Hot”
coz i’d never seen a movie with Marylin Monroe in it
and…
Jack screamed it at Tony
“not Tonight, Josephine”
which brought back the ideas of such a long time ago…
longer, before me
was Napolean refusing wife to his sex
(and how did that line become famous?)
Tori used it
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/toriamos/josephine.html
and i did too.

so
i have this guest here
he’s been here two days
though it seems like forever
and though i had just written a plea for teachers
i feel like much more of a teacher here
ah-zo
guess i need to practice what i’m preaching:
Slow Down
Listen
of course i’m learning a lot
through is example
(and what comes through me)
but i’m doing InStructing!
he’s very New Age
hasn’t really lived in the USA much over the last 20 years
so has very fresh excited eyes;
i wanted to show him the beauty
we went to Gurneville/Rio Nido/Forrestville last night
to stay with some artist/friends of mine
visit some faery friends of mine
and swing through the happening nightlife..
Yesterday was Samhain
the midpoint between the autumnal equinox and the winter solstice
the point when the viel between the living and the dead is at its thinnest
All Souls Day
the day of the dead…
halloween
we celebrated it with Crow
storytelling and ritual
it was beautiful
releasing and connecting
feeling very vulnerable
and safe…
afterwards
Lewis (my guest) and i
headed into Gurneville to check out the bars (his desire: he loves the Eagle)
and go to the Russian River Resort to do some Karoke (i sang the song “Laid” by James)
and then soak in the rather sexy hot tub in the back
ah… small town gay mecca.
the sexual energy was pretty fun
both L and i were having a good time
but i spent my last 45 minutes in there hugging
connecting
flowing
kissing
messhing
undulating
being in love
with some guy i had seen sitting at a bar stool an hour before
and told him i was going there
— it’s where he was staying
and he was so so so so sweet.
that’s the kind of thing that ONLY happens to me in CA
the energy of the land
somehow makes it easy for those of us who are here
to just melt our bodies and merge
(which is also what annoys me about SF — people’s boundaries are often kinda sloppy because of this)
no cumming, though
just love
and exchange of emails for later
i was walking down the street with L afterwards all filled with love
and in the middle of ranting to him about this
as we were approaching a group of guys on the sidewalk
i said “and sometimes i just want to touch Everyone!”
some very hot, tall, stocky bear guy said
“you can touch me”
and i jumped over with glee and wrapped my arms around him and buried my head in his chest
He pushed me away and said
“what the fuck are you doing, faggot?”
and i felt the energy immediately
went with the flow of that push
and kept on walking down the sidewalk
he was yelling behind me
“i’ll fucking bury you! come back here and touch me again, faggot! COME ON!”
walking….
Gurneville IS a small town
with plenty of rednecks
but the only times i’d ever been there
it’s been SWARMING with gay men
THOUSANDS
up from SF and everywhere else
Lazy Bear Weekend
it’s a Very Gay Town
… and i’m sure that makes the straight red-neck locals really angry
especially at the end of the night when they’ve been drinking…
my mind coalesced on it:
a group of guys standing in front of the only bar i didn’t know on the street: the straight one.
they would have loved to have beat the shit of me together…
i grew up being beaten a lot
by individuals and groups
and i’m not a fighter
though i have confidence now that i could kill a guy if i needed to
i’m not Master enough to take on four
especially not big bucks like that
and i also know how to just walk away
with that confidence
and not be afraid
he got in a kick with his big booted foot
left a slight bruise on my ass
i felt today
as i hiked for two hours through the redwood forest…
it’s funny
in all the years i’ve been attracted to men like my father
and MORE
the rednecks
the hunters
the truckers…
i’ve never made the mistake of crossing that line
though i’ve always been afraid of doing so
being engulfed in love
and two glasses of bourbon was enough to make me forget
and imagine
for just a moment
that it was easy to just love everyone you saw
i LOVE that!

ah
so it’s official!
i’m terrified of intimacy!
who would have thought?
does this happen to everyone?
i was thinking about it one day
and then Leo and i were laying in bed together
and he kept KISSING me and CUDDLING me
and i rolled away and laughed
he reached for me
and ever time he touched me
with utter LOVE, ov course
i would shudder and break into hysterics like i was being tickled
it was tickling me!
and of course
this doesn’t happen when i meet someone for the first time…
—-
there was a man i fell in love with in Germany while i was there
(and i haven’t fallen in love in a while now.. i’ve been in love… but you know.. falling is different… swept off feet, stuff like that)
the sex was amazing!
it was mostly all about laying on top of one another
licking and kissing and nibbling
but there was hardly even any dick sucking
it was more just the full body contact
the heat, the smells
and the chakras opening up and aligning and flowing
got me very high
very wild
very happy
but he freaked out
he said
“i usually only have sex with somone once.. then can’t do it again..
even my lover of 8 years… i only have sex with him once or twice a year”
that, of course, freaked me out
and the longer we were friends
the less intimate we became
—-
i was talking with a man on the phone last night who grew up in germany
well, til he was 13
then moved to Oklahoma, where his father came from (his mother was german)
and left to be gay as he got older
the gay meccas around america
but would always go back to OK coz he liked the people
he was a little confused with how gay men act
getting together and having sex in the middle of crowded bars!
bath houses! Sex Parties!
argh!
yet
when he moves to the bay area
he rooms up with a 75 year old from eastern europe
and is
yet again
“he doesn’t really keep them around for long… they come in and stay for a few hours and leave… i don’t know how he can do that”
which makes me think of an interesting man i met a month ago of 62
grew up in NYC
and had sex with 12 people a day pretty regularily for 20 years
and has a penchant for picking up homeless guys
which doesn’t include a lot of intimacy
well, plenty, of course, deep and everything
but temporary
and that’s all.
which brings me back to my own 57 year old friend who also grew up in NYC with similar sexual habits
(minus the homeless, more into the married)
and most of my lovers have been in a generation older than mine
and i wonder if it’s given me a model that now i’m living with
and no wonder kids of my generation are astounded by how i deal with people sexually
it’s been scared out of our generation
is there more intimacy in the way they behave?
the long getting-to-know
or the quick-jump-into-soul-mate?
San Francisco…
where i percieve (*almost) everyone as having this strange relationship to intimacy that’s So Very Addictive
you meet someone and open up into them and pour like a river into a canyon
and they look at you with stars in their eyes
and say LOVE LOVE LOVE
and ask you right away all the questions they need to know
so they can keep you happy til the end of their days
as opposed to my time in europe
where they would have sex with you
as if you were a blow-up doll
enjoy your piss or leather pants
or the fact that you even existed and had a cock (or hole) in the black spaces in/ontopof/around bars
but to get someone to come home and lay down in bed with me
or to take me to their home
was near impossible
(well, i’m specifically thinking of amsterdam, but it holds true for some other places as well)
Intimacy
i thought i was so good at it
but it comes again and again
that it freaks me out… in prolonged doses
— i always rationalize it
“HomeoStasis: if i spend too much time with him all my energy will flow into him to balance us out and i’ll feel as tired and stressed out as he is — -DISTANCE!”
or some such tale
or
like my recent sojourn into love
i would lay next to him and feel at home
i would kiss him and it felt like my heart was being used in a way it was unaccustomed
pain would burn through it
but then, like opening to a good
well…
the pain turned to a pleasure lined well and beautified with the pain
and overthrew me
yet most of the day and the time we kept eachother at mind’s length
or some occupation
Distance slapping into togetherness
which i always think is healthy
Lover, darling, spend most of your time with me being yourself
doing what you do
and leave me as i am
when it comes time
every night
every three?
every two months?
i’ll be with you fully
i need to be alone
so that i have the capacity to be together
so i’m a hermit…
for a few days at a time
give me a few days or weeks
then come visit me
and i’ll be happy to take you in my arms…
hopefully
in my solitude
and visitors
i can rework my emotional model.
any one want to give me some good modes to work with?

Sometimes i wonder if i’m just bad at this living thing
or if i’m missing the whole point
shouldn’t i be out there in the thick of it trying to sell myself for all i could possibly get?
perhaps that IS what i’m doing
i’m just not going for much
OR
that’s not what i’m doing
i’m just looking for a trade
equal shares
not trying to rip anyone off
or
up the ante
i’ve always been a bad gambler
some of you can contest…
but i look at some of these faces
the billboards
these glossy prints
and i feel like i’m missing the point
Or
feel awkward
like walking in on someone fucking a stuffed panda bear
when i just wanted to tell them lunch was ready
what is it we’re doing here?
anyway
come eat, babe
you’ll starve if you keep that up all day.

“…the caterpillar, at a certain point in its life cycle, becomes a voracious, overconsumptive glutton consuming everything in sight and within reach.  At this point in its evolution it can eat hundreds of times its own weight, and the more it consumes the more fat and sluggish it gets.  At that same moment of developmental excess, inside the caterpillar the imaginal cells begin to stir.  Imaginal cells are specialized cells, and in the minority, but when they connect with each other they become the genetic directors of the metamorphosis of the caterpillar.  At some point in the caterpillar’s feeding-frenzy stage, the imaginal cells usher in the process in which the overconsumptive caterpillar becomes the “nutritive soup” out of which the imaginal cells create the miracle of the butterfly.” 
 —Elisabeth Sahtouris

Wow
that feels good..
hold that a moment
hold that
put it in your heart
and let it melt there
flavouring the whole thing.
I got back to California a week ago.
Leo and i went out to the coast
and back and forth and back and forth…
from city to mountain to shore
to wedding to shore
to mountain
somewhere in those long drives
conversations came up
there was a placid destructive anger in me
speaking of my lover, my friend
the bastard leo-snake beauty my heart was so burned by
i spoke of wishing him ill
over chinese food i detailed over and over
trying not to
but just wanting to hurt him
such anger
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhu
today
back on the mountain
i am going through old files
from Leo’s computer
that litterally went up in smoke yesterday
pictures from ICUII, a camera-chat program
and last year, in the spring
that Robert found me there
as if in a forest, sneaking up behind me
“Psssst…Hello”
looking at his face
his words of love
his smiles
his eyes
seeing even Trevis in there
(the boy i ran from for him)
seeing the love
and i didn’t WANT to
but i tipped
felt the precarious edge
and fell
back in love
before i could do anything about it
i giggled
(!)
and then could look at his face with love!
i’m looking at his face with love
and
imagine him at his home now
busy with whatever he’s doing
finding some scrap of me
(there are so many)
and hastely trying to get it out of sight
and maybe it’s hitting him too
stopping him between cigarette puffs
“ahh, i love him”
i won’t know now
but my heart feels good to imagine it.
i extended past that
before even writing this
and thought of Eli
who i’ve had similar angers about recently
the same
the same.
think of him is painful
my heart aches
but there is love
and it pours over it,
soothing…
the root of love
is in our loves
our lovers
all our pasts and futures
and we have to forgive over and over and over again
we can do nothing but
for in anger
we still love them
and the intimacy brings biting and nashing
pain begetting pain
here
in love
forgive
kiss
heal
rest
i love you
and thank you
and more and more
yet again
i will remember the task i set upon myself in your name:
i will be a better lover for this world needs lovers
i will help re-create this world in love.

did everyone go home?
have i been silent enough to get the room empty?
well
we’ve been drumming up some business
well, i’ve been scouting some new talent
i’m not going to say i’m wallowing in any old pains
or make full bodies out of the bones of making any new ones
i want to explain why i’ve been quiet
i want to tell you how it was
but now is not the time for that
the fire is dying down out in the main room
the electric oil-heater in here is keeping me warm enough to be naked
and there are still some sunny days here in northern california
i can only hold my hands up as if i’m innocent
and say
‘ it was love, it was love
that stuff scares me to death
it was love and i was somewhere kicking cans in an alley
and broken bottles hitting that beautiful boy
i don’t want to feel like i’m leaving scars
i don’t want to feel like i’m poisoning the well we’re drinking from ‘
but i don’t trust the devil who’s been wearing her wings and sitting on my shoulder and telling me everything is alright
i’ve just been going along with the song because i’m tired of moaning like the junk-yard cats that are taking over the city
Somehow
i’m setting off on a journy here
being still
looking for life
beyond my searching and grabbing and wanting
somewhere
i’m going to remember the light of my center
and sit back down in it
When i kissed him
my heart poured out like a waterfall
and
whenever i feel that
what people call Love
it just hurts so much
well, i couldn’t say Just
but i couldn’t say Stay either.
Listen
i’ll do my best to make it clear
that’s not what this is about now
this is about picking the crud away from the plug i jammed the hole up with
i’m counting on a torrential flood
soon
right now i have to trick myself into at least whispers
as always
this isn’t for you, dear
it’s for me
but the more i do this
the more i can love
(and all of you anonymous fearers of love or words, thank you, thank you)
and the more i can love
the more i can be with you
and that’s all i want
not much of a life?
Girls
i’m becomming famous of my little virtues
and it’s time i do something to earn them (again)
don’t want to just rest on my laurels
(though this mountain is made of laurels, i mean it, i’d say half the trees up here are bay laurel..)
the world needs more generation of beauty
and we do it while we can
i’ll stop now while i’m unwinding
it really is time for bed
blessings
and thanks
hopefully you’ll read this in a few weeks
where it’s just a funny introduction
to something less ominous than this appears.

well, what can i say?
i’ve been… busy.
NYC
Vermont
New Hampshire
Philly
Love? Lee…
i’m leaving in a few hours for Tennessee for the faery gathering at Short Mountain
i’ll be there til round the 11th or so
so
if you’re looking for me
that is where you’ll find me.
what?
oh
there’s been this thing about love
immense comfort
so much it’s scary.
there’s been lots of cuddling
really appreciative
with lover
with lovers
beauty!
and intelligence
and… forget me not: stupidity
wrapt up the fear, twirled around
it’s been OK
it’s been alright.
today i have been sleep deprived all day
and it all seemed odd:
i don’t belong here
all of these people live here
i am a visitor here: i am not permanent
so i’m leaving
though i planned on doing that anyway
so it’s not out of place
but
so STRANGE!
for those of you who don’t live here…
there are so many flashing lights
and little rooms you can get in
that rumble
and take you across the city
now we’re at the beach
now we’re in the dark
by the park
up the stairs
lost in pizza
and some strange raw-meat dish from korea
beautiful creative people
insecure people
fabulous people
humble people
children!
men
somewhere…
pretty girls too
i am glad i’m in love with everybody
(laughs)
while i was in bed with Pop a few days ago
i realized we were all in love
while i lay with that stout manifestation of Mars/neptune and mercury
i tried to express it:
we have so much trouble getting it together
strip us down
butter us up
roll around in love
so hard to get in sometime
hey
i’m tired
and can’t begin to tell you all about it
sorry i’ve not seen those of you i’ve wanted to see
sorry i’ve not served those of you i’ve wanted to serve
there will be more
now
i’m going to the trees
to the people who are pretty OK with being crazy
and dreaming up a different reality than that which is Just being offered
clashing the regular creative cycle
but all of it is neccessary
thanks for doing the work

hey all
i’ve not posted for a while…
i know
i’ve written a bit
but not for mass consumption
i’ll catch up on a few details:
i’m staying with a friend who feels not like a trick or a hot fuck
but a Friend
not like a daddy
a Friend
i feel like a kid with him
silly
like watching tv
and Laughing!!
playing video games
and nuzzling a lot
Thankful for love and friendship
i’ve been running around NYC
the massages have been pretty good
from me getting paid more here
to just enjoying SO much working on people
loving the textures of their skin and auras
(i wrote a piece about it, but don’t have my computer on line, so it’s waiting there)
to just laying with people and hearing them thank me for bringing what ever it is i bring into their realities
i love inspiring people to fuller living!
but i also love meeting others that do the same for me
i finally met the singer(s) of a band that i love
(being specifically conscious of not being a star-fucker right now, i’ll not drop names)
and got to give the main writer some money
coz i’ve mostly just downloaded his music
(i travel: i don’t want to cary cds around…)
and the conversation with the pretty voice
inspired me yet again in a way i need to be inspired now:
To create more fully what i need!
i’m moving into a phase of creating more
and that also means reigning in my sexual energies
using them more skillfully
and more disciplined
less wastefully
but that’s also the reason i’ve not been writing
last week
i just needed to retreat and rest
and spent far too many hours
just beating my meat to the hot NYC men on line
coz i DIDn’t want to go out and have sex
because of the friend i was staying with
not that he was the hot-fuck-studd that kept me drained or anything
but quite the contrary:
i loved the energy we had
and didn’t want to confuse that
so at the end of the week
i got out and played a bit
and felt a little spun and drained
ahhh, so goes
now i’m feeling better
still not having lots of sex
but missing him as i miss my friends
my lovers
true lovers!
i am thanking love
and the moon… when i get to see her again
til then i’m just reading “Dhalgren”and it’s making me so confused:
a book where the main character doesn’t know who he is or what’s going on in a big way
i come out of the pages feeling much the same
looking at this city
feeling the apocolyptic streaks running through it
like tremors from an impending earth quake
and stagger about a bit til i get my barrings
and stagger i must!
the whole place is dancing and shifting
forever happy to see my friends
yes
still in love
(thank blessings!)
and tired:
it’s 2 again and i’m not yet asleep
so i’ll move there
but i just wanted to say hello
pass on my love
and let you know i’m in town
— call me!

so sleepy
feel like i’ve been drugged
outside the window
is a pile of clouds
which looks funny
among the languidly rolling sea of its friends
i only slept a few hours last night
and this is my second flight of the day
i just ate a big burrito
the last one made by mexicans i’m sure i’ll have in a while:
i’m heading to New York
jersey first, really
for a few days
then i’ll walk into the city. . .
but what’s been going on?
little escapades…
tell the stories.
I arrived at Zuni Mountain Sanctuary August 21st.
i got a ride from a guy i had talked with on the internet down to St Helena to do a massage on thursday night before that
got another client while i was waiting for him to get home
picked some fruit
gave the other massage
came back to his house
ate and slept
massaged him in the morning
and he drove me down to town
where i met a guy i’d talked with on line for a while who lives at Gay Ground Zero
despite himself
(laughs)
sweet guy
nice cuddling and play
and then SF hit me as it always does with talks of disease and worry and distraction
and i did my best to hold course
after my little rest and romp in bed
i went out to meet a friend of mine i’d not seen in a while
really cute red-bearded bear who’d taken some pictures of me
there is an attraction between us
but we’ve not had sex
we have hung out as friends a few times, though
so we walked through town talking
to Delores park
to sit on the hill
and rest in the shade
(though i like the sun.. he’s a fair red hair…)
There
another friend called
big red beard, but more of a sun-bear
he isn’t so cute
i just find him astoundingly beautiful
he’s really sexy and hot and stuff
but his beauty de-rails me
i sometimes forget about sex with him
or get so nervous from his beauty
that i forget about how sexy he is
we
he met us
and there i was
between two adorable men
with red beards
walking through the park
through the mission
back to the first friend’s house
nice conversation:
i nearly surprised myself
by asking them about apartment prices and suggestions
as i felt tired of treating San Francisco like a Bath-house
all i did when i was down there was massage and sex
and Misha, the beautiful/hot one
made me feel almost cheap
(but more inspiring than degrading: that quality that makes me want to be a better person)
by his talking of all the events he did
the way he interracted with his sexual groups in other life-affirming ways than just CUMMING
also a certain level of trepidation and respect that i have been lacking lately.
of course
he then followed up a comment David (the other beautiful red bearded boy) made
when discribing his neighbourhood
“oh yes, a very nice bar.. and very nice resturants… and at the base of the building is the unemployment office…”
Misha says
“oh man, if i lived here i’d be standing at the edge of that line with a 40 ouncer and a pack of cigarettes asking the boys if they’d like to come up and watch some porn”
Misha and i walked back towards the Bart
but i reminded him that the Mex in the Mission don’t exactly take kindly to guys making out in the public space
(my friend Leo got chased around and spit at after i kissed him in the same place)
AND
i fully intented to burry my face in his arm pits before i left town
so we walked over to Rainbow grocery
even though it wasn’t really necessary
i was still feeling in love with the city
so i was happy to walk around
and it made for the perfect place
among the trees in front of the main entrance
for us to chew on eachother’s beards
breath into eachother’s mouths with hungry fiery kisses
sticking our hands into eachother’s pants to grab eachother’s furry asses
and fingers in the moist hair of the pit
to taste and smell
and be followed fully by the tongue and beard
we gasped and laughed
and straightened our clothes
and said good bye
and i walked towards the castro on Market
deciding, eventually, to go to RadioShack
because i was looking for a car-power-adapter for my mp3 player
… they didn’t have one
but the salesperson talking to me was in LOVE with me
totally jumping down my throat
and in 15 minutes had convinced me to buy a digital camera
… i flipped a coin
and it said NO
but i went along and did it anyway
only to find
a day later
that the camera didn’t do anything that he said it would
didn’t even take the kind of memory card he sold to me
and wasn’t compatible with the recharable batteries
SO
…
i met up with Trey
the friend i was heading down to New Mexico with
… it took a while of preparation
in which i began to feel tired
but realized i loved Trey more and more
(he had the first ever paper-back copy of John Crowley’s “Ægypt” i’d ever seen)
we got on the road at midnight
with the little suzukie sidekick packed to the gills
with an old cat in a box
and all of us kinda sleepy
— i needn’t tell that whole tale
but i ended up driving most of the way
munching esspresso beans and drinking an “energy drink” called
ROCK STAR
it was just a little over 16 hours of travelling
and i was pretty blown out buy the time we got there
we got incorrect directions to boot
and
this being monsoon time in NM
there was lightning and rain sweeping the mountains
the road we turned on was a mud pit
and i had to drive through fast in second gear with the windshield wipers running fast and spraying fluid so i could see through all the mud splashing on the car
and it ended up being the wrong road
no bother
we found our way
set up our tents
just as it started to rain
i walked down to the main camp and said hello:
joyous to see some of the kids i knew
and happy to just head back to my tent and crash
i wrote a good deal during the gathering and just after
and have posted it back-dated round the times i actually wrote them
they aren’t so much Events
as they are things i thought of while i was there
and after:
my time near Santa Fe with Wolf…
but there was one thing i meant to write about
that i didn’t get around to
so, seeing that it’s mostly story
i’ll tell it here:
the second day i was there
i was talking with a guy named Red Wolf who attracted me by the faboulousness of his being
and up to me walked a guy who looked a bit like Tom Hanks
and instead of having a strange ole faery name
he introduced himself as “Will”
(maybe that IS a faery name…)
after he said Hello
he turned to Red Wolf and said
“did you hear there’s a guy who wants to hike up into the Notch to find some Osha?”
two days before leaving the Hermitage
i was talking with Leo about herbs
and got out my books
and was showing him stuff and encouraging him to investigate these things for himself
… my curiosity took me into reading about Osha: one of my favourite roots…
i found that it grows where Zuni Mountain Sanctuary is
in the mountains
above 7000 ft
and i made a decision that i would try and find someone to go pick it with when i got there
so
WHAM
here it is
presented to me
before i even needed try…
it was two days later when we went up to find it
Will and i… and Dream Eagle.. and a boy named Matty
the Notch is a part in the middle of a long mountain ridge
apparently caused naturally by water erosion
it’s been used for hundreds of years by local tribes for trading
the top of the ridge was above 10,000ft
so we set out shortly after 9am so we could be back by dinner: it was an all-day hike.
it was amazing
the slow plodding required by us all
not being used the elevation…
all the petrified tree we found
and other strange and beautiful agates…
four of us boys
and four dogs came with us
… whenever we split up
the dogs always split up to match the groups… it was odd
we found Yarrow and wild Rose, purple asters and wild strawberry.
and
eventually
at the top of the mountain
on the north, more moist slope, we found the Osha
not as big as we suspected it would be
but we did fine some big roots
and ate some fresh
(which i’d wanted to do ever since Bridget told me how amazing it was)
and it was!
it was like i was kicked by lightning
— i felt my body jittering and bucking
i’d try to talk or laugh or anything
but had to stay bent over against the hole in the ground i was digging
for about five minutes
just feeling it coursing through me…
Osha is called “Bear Root” by folk tradition
When Bears wake up from hibernation
they find this stuff and dig it up
chew on it
and it makes them cough up all the stuff that’s been settling in their body while they were sleeping…
and i heard that some of the tribes around where it grows
would wear it round their neck
so the bears knew they were friends
… i have carried a piece of root with me on most of my journies since i first discovered it at heartwood back in 2000…
so the bears knew i was their friend
(grin)
– – –
by the time we got back to ZMS
we were all pretty hungry and tired
and so ate
and rested a bit
… because i intended to do a Sweat that night…
an Apache Beardache sweat…
it thouroughly kicked my ass
i was so tired
but when i got there
i got all raucious
and started mouthing off
but half way through the second round
i was shoving my face in the mud and whimpering
— it was very powerful
but left me feeling run-over by a heard of bulls
(i’ll skip ahead to tell the rest of the tale)
i went into Albuquerque last saturday
and spent the night there with Will
got a ride up to Santa Fe
from a cowboy named Kelly
–he was going up for an artist’s supply show
and i wanted a ride to see my friend Wolf
… so i went with Kelly to the show
and ended up buying a bunch of pens and markers
and oil pastels..
the prospects of creating images from hand thrills me: i’ve not done it in ages
(mostly)
then met up with one of Wolf’s friends
who took me back to his place…
nice conversation
and interesting:
he had three head-dresses from the Fulnio Tribe from brazil on the wall
he didn’t even know where they came from
but that they were brazilian: someone had given them to him
(i had visited people from that tribe in Abadiania while i was down there)
then he took me over to Wolf’s for their Sweat
it was much kinder
and certainly helped me feel good
i gave Wolf a massage the next day
and cooked dinner for he and his husband, Michael
then we sat down to watch the Fasbinder film of Jean Genet’s “Querelle”
— i’d not seen it since i was 18 or so
it struck me pretty powerfully
i didn’t remember the importance of Passivity portrayed in the movie
how it implied the Strength of the character
but it makes sense to me now…
as that is what i’ve been trying to learn for years now…
the next day
Wolf gave me a session
— very different than anything i had ever received before
and during our drive back down to Albuquerque yesterday
he told me what he read in my body
he was quite surprised
though he didn’t read me this way before
during the massage
it was apparent that i was a control freak
it bothers me that i present myself different than how i really am
what a game!
me and my charms..
during my visit with the Sowinski clan back in indiana
it came up from many directions
that our family tended to deal with everything like that
“i must take control because no one can do it as well as i can…
and if i fuck up i’d much rather take responsibility for the mistake
than get pissed off at the faults of someone else”
it’s more acceptable to beat ourselves up than those we love.
Wolf also saw
that i was excellent at reaching up
… the sky energy
connecting with heaven
i could do it very easily
but was not so adept at dealing with the earth
which i had told him as much before the session
but he said it was very apparent in my body…
followed by…
staying with West:
a guy i had met back in 1999
when i left Robert with my Buddhist Chariot, Thubten
West is one of those Fellows…
Cancer
can feel everything going on around him
and works directly with the energetic nature of reality more than he does with the acceptable human story part of it
though he does his best to balance it
so we talked about an hour before he said he was ready to ground me
i lay down
and felt my body becoming heavy
and pain seeping into my consciousness
yes
the stuff i’ve not been feeling
we did a lot of work: reacquainting myself with my body
— i’d been abstracted for so long
through conversation
West said this
“ah, you’re pulling your energy up again… keep connecting with the earth!
from what i can tell
you keep pulling your energy out of your body and UP
because you regard your body as Dead”
‘yes, i regard the earth as dead, the whole human story as dead.
there is no such thing as the future
and we’re obviously hell-bent on destroying ourselves
the majority of consumption is based on empty plastic garbage
meant to be thrown away at a moment’s notice
this world is not alive: it’s dead…. i’m already withdrawing my life from it’
“yes, but the more you do that the more you make your body Dead
thus the more sick it becomes”
(which is something i figured out when i was 17)
‘ yeah, but i don’t want to just decide everything is OK and make shit up so i’m filled with life ‘
” the best lie is a half truth: you know there are many things in the world are dead.. but there is also Life in everything… and you only seeing one side isn’t really fair either ”
Ohhhh, yes.
Funny.
so i’m feeding through meet again
opening
doing my best to connect
and trying to work myself out of this place i’ve created from my anger
to appreciate the Life
a song by Pulp:
“i’m sure you had something to Hide
i took your bag and looked inside:
i was looking for Life. . .
there was Nothing inside but Merits
the same as those i keep with me
when i’m looking for Life . . .
but i’m Looking for LIFE. . .”
it’s very confusing to me
i went out into the city with West and a friend of his
into the dark city
for some greek food
and ice cream
and conversation
it was like dogs playing
biting and snarling round eachother
making jokes
Ha Ha!
you’re life is a mess!
i find things contradictory
and it’s hard for me to choose one over the other
but silly to choose both
yet it seems the only way to really be healthy.
The night went on with West going home
and his friend taking me out to one of the local bars
to drink
and talk about sex
another guy who needed a sister to talk about his attractions with
hear of my sexual escapades
i made it real for him right there
and went to play with a beautiful sexy mexican man in the women’s toilets
he was so excited to hear of my stories..
the Beauty of the Husband..
the things we suffer for love and sex and friendship
what’s better: to be free, but alone?
or to be with a love who holds you back?
smoke a cigarette and laugh
and back at the house with West
we talked until three or four, i don’t know
i was so tired
stories of re-creating the body
and why didn’t the buddha tell anyone his story for six months after he became enlightened
— he didn’t think anyone would get it
then
when he told them
he was made a teacher for the rest of his life
and the vedic master said
“any blessing i TRY to give you is a curse: all i can do is speak the truth for you to hear”
his brother who had noticed the Zen being of the world at age 4
had killed himself last year
with a sigh
he showed me pictures of him
saying
“he was a bear: you would have loved him”
and he was right: this man was SO beautiful…
and his father too
even in his late 80’s
a robust man with a big beard an a light in his eyes
eventually
i was falling asleep
and i did
drifting into dreams
as West explained to me the problems of the comming ice-age
and the re-birth of the world that will be poluted with toxins of ours
but i didn’t care at that point
i passed out
and woke after only sleeping a few hours
i’ve been feeling burnt out all day
so now
i feel better
for having written it down
in mid air
when i land i’ll be in New Jersey
and a step closer to understanding something about loving
armed with the memory of my body and existance
the rules of the game
and a little bit of my hearts desire
oh.. i’m so tired
see you when i wake up

Each man kills the thing he loves
da da da
-dada
–dada
When i was just a boy
Younger then than this mix of man/woman and child i am now
i wanted to be a sailor
blessed of the high seas
of solitude
and cold winds
Faggot lover of Querelle
a million lovers around the world
never needing to even make an excuse why i wasn’t staying
all the while
desiring the cold hard love of death and being taken
the strength of passivity
the knowledge of a true friend
given up all
and set out to sea
to know a husband is just a story to me
but i sit in that nest now
loving
daily gifts
calling him “baby”
hallmark relationship
one man to another
neither of them me
but with my prick poised at the gate of his body
head just under that shelf of softness
the pause gave me time to understand
i would never take that from a lover
no feeling of lust is worth it
and i could get off
my cock pressed firmly into his root
the pulsing and the heat
the connection
just not the moistness
though i know i could enjoy that
as the perpetrator
he lacked the shock and wave of having me inside him
but he could still feel my heat radiating through him
soft pale milk flowed
covered in oil and sweat
collapsing
satisfaction just the same
a week with no love making
ended after a sweat
with thunder bear
no feeling of entrance
just the wrapt tight embrace
bodies building sweat
swimming into eachother
the breaths louder and gasping
shuddering in to him
to go out and piss under the blaring full moon
poor boy trying to sleep next to us
i know what pain that feels like
the sweet sorrow of isolation
in presance
Each man kills the thing he loves
Each man kills the thing he loves
da da da
-dada
–dada

Heaven and Earth are not kind:
The ten thousand things are straw dogs to them.
Sages are not kind:
People are straw dogs to them.
Yet Heaven and Earth
And all the space between
Are like a bellows:
Empty but inexhaustible,
Always producing more.
Longwinded speech is exhausting.
____Better to stay centered.
( Tao Te Ching, Chapter 5)
Once Upon A Time
i agreed with this
and aspired to the be the Sage
reading it today
made me pause:
i have had the gift, these last few weeks, of being held in simple loving
that is
much of my anger and confusion has subsided
to a form of clarity about what must be done
and my feelings therein
as well as a base of unconditional love and forgiveness
(with, of course, the human highlights of judgments… but they’ve been passing like t he wind)
a part of me wonders what my relationship to the Christian paradigm this has
i am curious
because of my trip to Brazil
there i felt a loving embrace
and since
have been walking in friendship with … Christ
not that i have gone to church yet
Even my love for Leo will not move me to attending mass in any regular manner
but i feel
in part
this love
comes
from
respecting each and every individuals’ lives
with love
(if even not intimacy or interraction)
Though, i suppose this chapter does not exclude love
it’s not that Tao excludes love
it’s that it functions beyond that
i must say i love the idea of functioning beyond humanity
yet i have great desires in the human realm
perhaps that is my crux
because
the growth i have experienced in the last few years
has grounded me much more in my humanity
that is
i no longer just want to be a lone wizard attending to the needs of the reality as it shifts
i feel the longing to be a lover with another
(perhaps many, but deeply and truly)
THAT requires existing on another plane than just Spiritual
and
indeed
that desire has always been in me
it’s only recently i am not frightened by it to the point of pretending it’s not there
it is only recently i have been embracing it so fully and
feeling the warmth of that embrace
flowing into it to make it stay
to make it pleasurable
to get past my bullshit and baggage
to another
and rest in love
what better vacation or retreat is there?
many of you may have love that you can rest in
cynically, i doubt it
but it may be true
i’m still moving slowly
to be friends
to understand
hear and feel you
perhaps, my dear scarecrows
i will discover a way to dance with all of our hearts