one of the things that i find most piquant about how lovers hurt eachother
well… for me
is
we do the same things to eachother
(each to our own ability)
if i feel bad for leaving him in my way
off on travels…
he leaves me in his
off on travles
some
but when we’re together
he’s drinking, drunk and gone
or falling asleep
when i’m reading
falling into pattern
and who started this?
who ever starts it?
there is no Starting it
it just keeps happening
and when the pattern is finally noticed
we can sit and feel sorry about it
or inject some dynamite, maybe?
try and blow the whole thing up?
it still doesn’t complete…
the only way i know
is to Move On
and try and find the one where we aren’t hurting eachother anymore
and
really
looking at the whole scope of things
i would have to say i have some faith in that
because the Hurts have got to be much less severe over the years
maybe
mostly
in that i’m getting older
and things dull down
or
perhaps i Am getting wiser and knowing more
and hurting less
thus
being hurt less
what’s going on?
the world is turning into darkness
(i’m really only alluding to winter)
but i feel like i’m waking up all of a sudden…
such excitement
hopes and possibilites
as if my heart is salivating for desires it had long given up on
here we are again
let the banquet begin!

i have stated it
i have made it perfectly clear
and even in understanding
since the first year i had sex with a boy
i was 12
and we had been friends for years…
Best Friends, even
we were both dorks
but
for some reason
i liked his style of dorkyness more than other dorks
at the time…
at 11 or so
we both set off to be psychics
— as my childhood dream to be a wizard became less and less practical
i dummbed down slightly to a more acceptable story as a Psychic
we worked on telepathy
and did dark rituals with candels in the barn to a friend we had found in the field behind my new house
in the hole
where we balanced and bounced on a board
only late at night
over the mouth of Death
but we started having sex at age 12
(his birthday was less than a month before mine)
his Golden Birthday, as they call it
the sex wasn’t very advanced
just handjobs, mostly
and mostly masturbation
it was only after i turned 13
that we started giving blow-jobs
— a cue from a 26 year old i worked with at the time
that i decided Sex (with him) was Boring.
i told him so
‘ we used to do all sorts of things together…
we lived in our imaginations
and now we just see how many times we can cum in a night
— it’s boring.. i want to have less sex and more of other things ‘
but instead
we stopped being friends
i then became friends with kids who were intelligent
i mean
dorks who were intelligent
freaks, really
sex with them was less of an issue
because i had already started then
a relationship with another guy of 32, when i turned 14
it became very clear to me at that point that if you had sex with friends
they would turn boring
so i never tried to have sex with them
we explored other worlds together
in magik
and Art
Films and Novels
(before i had mostly read Greek Myths, some sci-fi and some fantasy (all the Tolkien)
they introduced me to Ginsberg and Morrissey and Wilde
but also to Satre and Camus and Kafka
we would do drugs together (mostly pot)
and travel to other levels of being
when we started taking LSD and mushrooms together
at the age of 19
things completely when somewhere else
and lost in the desert
naked
on the night of the solstace
i begged them to go
they said
“we’re going”
of course
i wasn’t trying to get them to go away
i wanted to leave the Earth
i wanted to Go
they said
“we’re going”
i said
‘ wait! ‘
“common”
‘ how? ‘
they would look at me
“common”
‘ but how? i don’t know how to? ‘
i couldn’t even ask the question
it’s like in my dreams
i can be walking down a street
and just step up into the sky
fly across the town
or over the wall
or… just through it.
How?
how do you walk across the room?
How do you Swim? or Breathe? or Dream?
“common, let’s go”
‘ i want to … but how? am i ready yet? how are you going? ‘
“dominic. don’t talk. common, let’s go”
‘ but… ‘
perplexed i just watched them
their eyes begged me
this wasn’t happening in this reality anyway
they were telling me
just step out of it
leave it
come HERE
But
How?
i’ve made it clear, ok?
Eating is great
sex sure is fancy
yeah! drugs and TV.. YEAH!
but i need more than that
i know there IS more than that
i’ve done it with people
the Leo Snakes i knew would just go there with me
we’d put our heads and our bases together
touching one or another and transmitting through the illusion of the distance
with drugs
or not
we could be there
Right there with It
i’ve even got there with a friend on a bench in a public square in a small french town a few years ago
just looking at eachother in reality
and extending far beyond even the Here and Now
into the Eternity.
fully alive.
but it’s so rare!
and such a struggle!
what the fuck?
and it seems to bore everyone to death!
Literally!
people don’t want to talk about it.
they change the subject
some look visibly offended
like i’m violating some sacred code
some just dissapear
go to sleep
i believe that Everyone is aware of Everything
and do as much as they can to forget it
forget it every night
have countless thoughts and attempts at remembering it
[ create art, do yoga, pray, fuck, take drugs, watch movies, read books, perform… listen ]
and at other times, and often fairly regularly
work with the dull exactitude of a Pendulum
to wipe it out, blur it, disolve it, burn it away.
forget it so hard that they commit to the ultimate act of forgetfulness
and Die
get out of all the responsibily
or Even just the Awareness of it
{what’s so scary? not a threat in sight! you just can not handle… you just can’t handle Love}
it’s what i really want, oK?
why’s it so hard for me?
and why is it so hard for us to talk about it?
and why can’t i just Go?
not even to Leave
but to exist on that further level of awareness
Really. if there is any one interested
even just as an experiment
or as a guide
or as a tourist!
common
let’s go.

it’s always surprising
when we have to look in the mirror
and admit
“It happended to me!”
last night
i lay naked in front of the fire
sweat glistening on my skin
though at 3000ft
cold night air
moon shinging bright
the fire i’d built had kept me not only warm
but HOT
i couldn’t sleep
Leo snorning beside me
i prayed to clear all my warts
and the heat through the bottom of the ball of my right foot was too intense
the mirror made a creak above the mantle
and i rushed to the computer:
onto Amazon.com
.com!
.com!
i ordered 81$ worth of stuff!
so many cheap books
and must get enough new stuff to qualify for Super Saver Discount!
and don’t forget “The Faggots and their Friends!”
so many things that slip through the mind
like whispy coulds
in the night sky
before the bleary eyes
of a boy trying to stay awake
this is the first time i’ve been ruled by compulision to run to the computer late at night
and
BUY BUY BUY!
i felt i needed something
something so important
and somewhere in the middle of the process i forgot what it was
but i got something anyway
i hope it fills it
while i lay and stare at the fire
… i wonder

When i came back from England at the age of 18
i very quickly Died back in Indiana
there were many many nights of being drunk to vomit and blackness
in an effort convince myself i didn’t do what i had just done:
come back to indiana.
the summer was endlessly depressing
with “old friends” occasionally coming over to see me again
hear my stories
— it didn’t last long because i was so fucking misearable that most of them didn’t make that mistake twice
this girl i used to know
— all you fags of my generation know her
: she’s kinda short, very round
a goth girl
and making me mix tapes explaining how much she’s in love with me.
(she was the first person to put false eye-lashes on me and do me up in full goth make-up)
She decided she was leaving Indiana
going to go live with a cousin of her’s in Rhode Island
(it was only months later she moved to New Orleans to be a Vampire)
she’d picked up quite a cocaine habit since i saw her last
and the few times i hung out with her that summer
i was subjected to it every time
however
the last time
she called me
and asked me to go to dinner with her and her mom
she used to love her mom
but in the year i’d been away
her mother had married some rich guy
got a face-lift, a boob-job and a tummy-tuck
and Heather now Hated her.
she didn’t want to have to sit at the table with her alone
rather, with no one on her side
Heather’s mom was bringing along old friends of the family
(whom Heather refered to as “her stupid hippy friends”)
for some reason
i just don’t consider middle-age people as “hippies”
perhaps it’s my optimism… my perverted kind of hope:
if you’re still a Hipster that late in your career there really is no hope left.
anyway
my trip to England had done a very important thing for me
and that was letting me live for a time NOT seething in hatred
i had put down all of my anger and judgements
(which were killing me before i left… but i’ll tell that story another time)
so that i would be allowed to experience things freshly…
(instead of just being caught in my own cycles)
so the stupid hippy friends didn’t bother me
they seemed like nice people
very much the people they were…
one of them owned a Yoga school up in northern Indiana
right on the tip of Lake Michigan
she invited me up to learn…
That summer
i had spent all my days off from work driving around the states:
Indiana to Illinois
Indiana to Ohio
Indiana to Kentucky
Indiana to Michigan
and the
occasional just driving around Indiana
as i really didn’t know anything about the place (though i’d lived there 17 years)
i didn’ t know anyone
and i was new to the Internet
so hadn’t yet really learned how to meet people around the state
(not that i really wanted to at the time: i was reveling in my depression as i often do in indiana)
so
it came to pass
that i went to visit Marsha up in Michigan City
she offered me to take care of her kids: Dakota and Kiva
and i could take a class of yoga from each of her and her husband, Don, every day that they taught one at the house
(Don went to Chicago once a week)
it was pretty amazing for me
i fell into it naturally
and the balance of taking care of the kids and Helping both of them with projects
(building things, cleaning things, … computer things…)
it stopped me drinking and smoking pot and everything
for the first time since returning from england
i felt ALIVE again
so alive…
i remember feeling the depths of the earth with every step i’d take
the flows of air and prana
the tangible energy that would vortex through my body as i moved
always High
it was amazing…
and then i went back to my parent’s house
and the black pit of muck that was the emotional medium there
clogged me up and made me instantly sick
— i was layed out for a week of misery
and stopped doing yoga right there.
there were times when i would remember it
but it hurt so much there: to feel life more fully in such a sad and poisonous place
(yeah, my “home”… the place i grew up. UGH)
i did yoga occasionally once i left there
NYC… not very much
but i got really sick in Tuscon Arizona near the end of 1997
i’d been snorting riddlin, taking trucker speed… cocaine.. drunk all the time again… lots of bad sex
got arrested shoplifting, etc etc
and decided i needed to stop my train wreck
and started eating healthy, stopped smoking again, and started doing yoga every day
(once again, kinda poisonous environment… but still so close to home: living with Trevis)
the Yoga had, once again, an amazing affect
i began to notice that every time i stopped doing yoga
i was gradually decline into unconsciousness
and when i started again
everything on my body would hurt
but the more i did it
i would realize that the Pain wasn’t pain…
it was my body trying to talk with me
and if i did yoga enough to get into it
and listen
i would learn so much about myself and… Everything
(laughs)
the word Yoga means “union”
Still
i’ve very rarely taken classes
those first two weeks are the only steady classes i’ve ever taken
but i always meet people who do yoga
sometimes we do it together
some times they teach me something i didn’t know
and i’ll work with that pose til i learn it
when i lived at Heartwood in 2000
there were daily yoga classes
but they were Iyengar
and holding Downward Dog for 15 minutes was just too much for me
i very quicly stopped going to that regularily
but i’d started going to Billy and Faery gatherings as well
and there was always someone leading yoga
or at least people doing it
and i taught and learned many things there
i took a Kundalini Class with my mother in 2003
and the Spanish boy, Danny
taught me a few great positions
so many
and also
my logic works like this:
Yoga was not a book given from god
or was it?
as far as i know
the body taught the Yogis
so i listen to my body
and combine everything i’ve learned from Tae Kwon Do
grade school PE class
wrestling
qi-gung
yoga…
i do a little bit every day
sometimes a few hours
sometimes a few minutes
many times through the day…
this year i started taking classes down in San Francisco
at the Faery House
monday night’s at 6 we do Ashtanga for 2 hours, then have a pot luck dinner
the great thing about the Faery House
is it is always Clothing Optional
Yoga included
so i do yoga
sweat dripping off my balls…
Ashtanga is really intense
but So Beautiful!
once again
i don’t find it Too difficult
it seems to come naturally
(well, most of the poses, though some of them are a bit strange- i can do them)
last week
i was really tired
still newly off that fast
and still not sleeping enough
so the first part of the class was very difficult
struggling
but
the most important part of Yoga is Breathing
“Pranayama”
what we breathe is Air, yeah, but Air infused with Prana
that is
Life
consciouly pulling in Prana from the nose
but also through every part of the entire body
from the sky, the earth and everything in between
(i also include pulling in life from the infinite source inside of me)
so
consiously pulling in life
i fed myself
became fuller and stronger and more alive
til it was, once again, easy to be in Yoga
i realized that i hadn’t been breathing through my crown chakra… for how long?
(that is the top of the head… it has 1000 petals… infinite connexions to everything in the universe.. )
it was, of course, like sucking on a powerline
[but like a lover]
jolting through my body
making everything more vibrant…
it was only shortly after that
that He brought us into Shivasana
( where Shiva, who’s constant dancing brings this world of illusions into being, lies down and dies to let the infinite possiblity of the universe dance on top of him )
when i learned this from Don and Marsha
they accentuated lying with the heart chakra open
so there i was, laying on my back working my heart open
when i remembered the Reiki i had cast on the room a few days ago
— was still there… healing loving balancing energy filling the room
pouring into my heart
and then bursting out from my heart and filling not only the room
but every aspect of my existance
it was the first time in my life i felt my father loved me
(i mean, i have understood that… intellectually… for a long time… but never felt it)
there was an image of him [not physically him… but his being…] reaching out to me and handing me a gift… of love
oh, always how it is
being reminded of love
could i carry this awareness with me ALL the time?
always share it
always receive it?
perhaps
if i were in yoga all the time

We were seperated by a river
i was on one side
and you were on the other, with a whole group of people
but we were communicating
talking, yeah, but very close, it was more than that
but we couldn’t touch
couldn’t cross
it was more like a barrier
and out of this group of people
came an older man
from behind you
he put his arms around you
we were seperated by the Lithe
couldn’t reach eachother in body
but were still deeply connected and communicating
even with all of those still in your life
[we were together]

when i left the injuns
i was already late to meet Lucien at the Lodge
but stopped by the Gulch
because i was down there
and still had never had a satisfying experience there
(probably never will, boy)
i saw one hot guy
but he walked out just after seeing me
— must have missed the lunch rush
so i walked off looking for a buss
of course
no buss
i hiked up the hills all the way to sutter
then caught a buss down to Van Ness
and went into the old Scottish Rite Masonic Lodge
Lucien was in pretty High Stress mode
which i find irritating
and felt myself a bit over my head in what he wanted me to do
and what i had expected
which was very little..
i set up a light show (which i have never done before… but Lucien figured that i can figure out anything just by looking at it… which i mostly can… so did)
then helped decorate tables, stuff programs, etc…
i asked him if he needed more help
or could i possibly just lie down and rest for a bit
he said
“you don’t need to relax: you are a walking meditation: you’re a Yogi… you’re the model of calm”
which still surprises the hell out of me when people view me like that
coz i still remember when i was a little anger-ball as a teenager
walking around screaming at people (or just screaming)
projecting all tension/fear/anger/sadness like an exploding star
now people often see me as peaceful/enlightened/calm
OK.
still, i remember
no matter how much of a mess i was
crazy
whatever
people still came to me when they needed someone to listen
and i would do that
a gift. a talent: Listening.
no matter how broken or needy i am
i can ground and help other people ground
better strangers, of course
coz my lovers i desire that service from sometimes as well
and sometimes we clash
before the i met Armistead Maupin
we danced around eachother
his new lover is a guy i met at my first Naraya
it’s such a small…
ahhhmmm
seemed i knew lots of people
high society, almost
it seemed so strange
i went off to hide
but wanted to talk…
i saw timmy
and a boy named Chuck
i nibbled on the salmon and roe and margarita chicken
drinking down rum and cranberry
a glass of redwine and my stomach bit back
great to see Mark Wiegle again
dance around stage
having a great time
his cover of “Jenny, Jenny” (you know: “eight six seven five three oh ni-y-ine!”) was great… “Jimmy, Jimmy”, of course
but by the time everything was done and cleaned up and put away
i was exhausted yet again
at 2 am
sitting in the back seet of Jeff’s small car (all crammed in yet again)
after dropping off Lucien, then Veronica
(just Chuck and i… we made out because we were in SF in the back seat of a car by ourselves at 2am… how could we not?)
but i got home to hear the lovers fighting in the bedroom
and went out on to the night porch to enjoy the night wind
wishing things could be different than that
i stayed out there til he came storming out into the living room
i walked by
he prentended nothing was wrong and asked how i was doing
“Tired”
Marty was in the bedroom
and i just hugged him
took off my clothes
and went to sleep.

wednesday was the day i often meet up with my friend Paul Brown (bigredpaul)
to do a massage exchange
we both enjoy long massages
so i work on him for about 3 hours
and he returns the favour to me
however
i’d had too many nights of not sleeping enough
so i let myself sleep in
and didn’t get to his place til about three
and then another hour and a half passed before we got on the table
the massage was great though
and we headed off to dinner
nice Thai food
i introduced him to Som Tum (green papaya salad)
and then went to catch a bus up to Sutter and Leavenworth
however… i don’t wait for busses
i walk along the route until they come
and this bus never came.
(as often happens to me in this town)
still, i eventually got to where it was happening
the Cantebury hotel
— there was scheduled to be a National Anthropology gathering
but the Hotel strike in SF lead them to cancel it and re-locate to Atlanta
— however factions stayed on in SF
and these, who i were meeting up with, were the Two Spirit Native Americans
my friend Clyde Hall was to be there
but when i got to the room, he wasn’t there
his brother/sister Laney Thom told me he was in the smoking room
which quite surprised me
but
true enough
this hotel had a smoking lounge in it
(i thought that was illegal in california?)
there were a whole group of Red Indians who had been there for hours
drinking and smoking
laughing and telling stories
obviously happy to be all together again (old friends)
the rest of the patrons in the room faded out as the night waned on
the last non-indian couple started to get up to leave
saying, in heavy Glaswigean Scottish
“well, at least we can say we’ve met some real American Indians”
which sent the Injuns flying
they all gathered around and talked with them
Clyde went and fetched Laney and a bag of hand-crafts to sell to the tourists
i sat on the plush green leather settee
watching this scene
and had the feeling
yet again
that the injuns had a gentle sort of gypsy act going on
turning up the charm
and offering the goods
with a subtext i read as
“you people came here hundreds of years ago and you’re still coming and we’re going to get everything out of you we can— til you’re gone for good”
then another elder walks in
she’s near 80
and has a tall beautiful blond girl with her
and the injuns turn on the blond
showing her moccasins with price tags well above $300
beautiful bead work
such luscious smells
of the brain-tanned buck-skin
smoked with a variety of woods to a rich brown
the blond girl kept putting the boots up to her face, nuzzling her nose into the leather grining out through her eyes talking of the smells of her childhood
he gave her a discount
and gave me a beautiful belt-bag he made himself.
buck-skin is so soft.. brain tanned… so soft…
there was an injun there who was teaching at IU in Bloomington!
Indian from Indiana!
i got some good stories, found out a bit more
i had the intuition that “Indiana” was named so because it was a Reservation
but
of course
those were back in the Territory days
and there were no Reservations back then
Still
i was “right”
Indiana was the Indian Territory.
even to this day, there is only one rez there, really, and it bleeds over from Michigan
there are three “homeless” tribes there.
anyway
He didn’t have a place to stay that night
and another friend of theirs who lived over in Oakland was kinda drunk and it was late, so she was coming home with us as well
it appeared i was going home with us as well!
to stay were Clyde and Laney were, with their friends…
we stagged down Sutter street to go find the car
and i was talking to the Yurok (northern california tribe, by the oregon border) guy about those scottish women
he told me he always respected the Scotts
for some reason
he thought the Irish just folded to the english
(i didn’t correct him on that)
but the scotts fought and never caved in (kinda)
still he said he always respected the scotts
and i told him about the lover i once had
“Pittenridge”
cherokee, chikasaw and Scottish
“i bet he was a good man”
‘yes, he was’
we found the parking garage
made quite a noise looking for the car inside it
but found it
and
crammed into their station wagon
seven of us winding through the city
drunk and excited
having to pee
cramped in
my leg was going numb
and the house was full
but Clyde had other plans
so we went off and rented a hotel room
and made magic all night
which was wonderful
i was the undulations of the milkyway
he was a horse; i was a horse
i was a jaguar, he was an eagle
flying down onto me
in my dreams that night
so many things happened
i was out in the fields
in a forreset
living with my friend
he and i…
one night…
sleeping next to eachother
a Hawk landed next to his head
dark feathers with white highlights
bright red under the wings
he started pecking at my friend’s head
i turned and picked him up by the claws
and held him
telling him not to do that
it was NOT OK with me
he pecked at my hand repeatedly
ripped my thumb open
but i wouldn’t let him go until he understood
then i opened my hand and he flew
then
worried about my hand
i looked
but the thumb had already healed
into a purple scar
… i looked up at the sky…

in the morning
we got everything together and i led the injuns down to where they were sitting on a panel about gay native americans and AIDS… and other topics, i guess
i took them to the Indian (dot indian, not feather indian) resturant i often went to with Leo in the days we’d meet up at My Place to suck eachother off before he went home to cook dinner for his lover Michael…
after lunch
i walked them down to their meeting place
all day
they kept calling me their Shirpa
and when Lewis
was here last week
he kept calling me his Shirpa
guiding him
showing him
leading him through the mountains and forest
guide guide
will make my future as a guide
all the shirpas that i am
yoga and massage and sex
herbs and food
and animal prints
the trails
walking people along the tracks to some other vista
some place i know how to get to
how to take them
regaurdless if they’re listening or not…

and it’s been a while
tired
for many reasons
[not one of them sleep]
doing yoga
working towards exhaustion
and falling into it
into love
where all of a sudden
everything Was Love for a moment
and even my father loved me
warm
and
falling
filling up the room
and in the warmth of it
it was all so easy , so clear
>>i should buy him a present<<
and i should carry this around
and i should give this to everyone
and what better could there be to do?

i left the hermitage with Lewis Saturday
early that morning
i’d made a big vegetable broth
and then had a massage client
a Japanese guy
really sweet
he was 38
and just started having sex with men three weeks before
he wanted to hire me for a massage
coz he really liked my personality
he’d picked up on guys from Craigslist
and said it wasn’t really what we wanted…
i mean
he could fuck these guys
but there was no connexion
no cuddling
nothing sensual or tender
i told him
‘ welcome to gay sex in the city ‘
then proceded to give him a three hour massage
and cuddling
but we didn’t get out of the house when we meant to
a little late
always
as us gemini boys can be
down the hill into Calistoga
Lewis wanted to shop at this Indian store
where they had shirts
selling like hot cakes
of four indians holding rifles
with big letters saying
“HOMELAND SECURITY:
FIGHTING TERRORISM SINCE 1942”
which, i had to admit, was very funny…
even more so
because the people who ran the shop were SO white
so white that the woman had a european accent
even though she was all dolled up in indian drag
and the white guy behind the counter
i overheard him saying to one of the suckerpatrons
“yup, i just went down an bought this off the rez…”
For how much, sir? what’s the markup youbastard
but Lewis bought his gifts for friends back in Turkey
and we headed down the Silverado Trail as the light dissapeared over the horizon
but we arrived in SF pretty much on time to make the bear party
Trey comped me in
but they were short of Fives
so i gave them two
and was So tired (coming off four days of fasting)
i just cuddled up with Marty when i introduced Lewis to him
Lewis was so excited: a thin healthy man!
he started smoking pot and i barely saw him the rest of the night
i
however
saw Thom, Urso’s red-bearded friend
sitting on the matresses against the window
he told me he’d had his eyes lazered
which made me wonder if Urso was sad that he no longer wore glasses
coz i know part of Urso’s turn on is Nerdiness
then another guy named Tom sat down on the other side of me
and i cuddled and talk ed with those two
til Red Tom got up to go play
and another guy i knew, Ken
sat down
and then there was all sorts more of cuddling
licking
nibbling
how great is that?
to see all these beautiful burley boys walking around
whilst wrapt up in arms and beards and legs and bellies?
it seemed to go on for quite a while
i got up to get a drink
and saw my friend Wade
(uncut guy)
i docked with him and did a wonderful front fucking thing for nearly an hour
kissing, connecting, writhing
LOVELY
but not cuming…
i went over to sit by the window again
and this very Daddy guy i’d played with before
and stocked around the Castro once
was sitting there
i cuddled and played
just holding on to his cock and smiling at him
and when it got around to me sucking him off
it was full body connection
i came without even touching my cock
the same time he came
i love that!
that over-whelming force that drives the body
hungry and gasping
extatic and falling into arms
smiling
and what is this
life?
i lay there a while more
cuddling some other guy with a nice white gotee
and some south american guy with a huge cock came over
and lay on top of me
with another two guys on my left
huge romping ensued
three hours barely moving and so much touching, feeding, nourishing and cuddling
beautiful
the party went down hill from there
as it always does
but it was still great to see other friends of mine playing
watching beautiful fucking
the moans and screams
the rythms…
beautiful men
cuddling
bristly hair
bellies
i was so exhausted
and there was this beautiful man
Oh
Vincent!
(laughs)
how can i discribe such a perfect belly and chest and furr pattern?
eyes and beard?
best not you
you’ll have to meet him
but Marty was on Acid and took him to bed
and Lewis was so stoned
distracted me
i missed giving him my address i had written out for him
… still in my pocket now…
but i did get to bed
though i only slept a few hours really

on the way down the road
i think
somewhere in the chatter
my mind murmured out an idea
:>>
perhaps some believe the perfect society will be when there is no other country but ours
no other corporation but ours
no other religeon
nor colour
nor culture
just US
we will all say “We”
—
i then wondered if that was what the book “We” was about…
old Sci-Fi novel said to have been the precursor for “Brave New World”
////

Standing
i’ve noticed many times over the last four years
that i stand off-kilter
that is
i seem to put more weight on my left leg
keeping the knee straight
tilted hips
bent right knee.
i’ve thought a lot about it
is it that i am disconnected from my feminine energy?
my Yin?
my reception?
it’s taken a while
and i think i’ve come to understand it now
this year i’ve been noticeably doing it less
consciously willing it so
and noticing it so
today
i noticed it strongly
(that i was doing it, rather)
and it clicked in:
i am not receiving.
closed to reception
channel becomes hard
only useful as pilar
not tentacle nor grass
more like trunk of tree
not like dancing boy
why’s this?
my lover of sky and storm
told me last month that it concerns him that i am so comfortable being around people who devour me
and he’d like me to spend more time with people who feed me
(we feed eachother, he and i)
the situation i’m in now
i feel more like i’m being devoured:
this man is so hungry!
we all are, really
the earth has so many beautiful things to feast on
and i am a specific nutrient, i am
rare
and only some enjoy the taste
and those that do
are often starving for it
the imbalance of this is
when i am around people so hungry
perhaps i am scared by this? this lack… this hunger…
i shut down reception around them
… perhaps i feel they will sneak in through my Yin channel and drain me?
(old fear)
don’t i have saftey valves against this?
— i feel i must be on defense!
like performing too much at a faery gathering or living in community
must retreat
forms shell
keeps me safe
but also seperate
less fed, nourished, connected
fear
stopping life
makes for stone
still
tilted hips
hard left leg
stand strong
spread wide
balance
recieve
give
get on with it!
thank you love.